Chapter 165- Severance

It shocked Charlotte, after all the losses experienced in her thirty some years, she could still sometimes forget how precious life truly was. While they would never know all the details surrounding Warren Tremblay's death, she knew, with certainty, their friend died a hero.

Following Warren's memorial service, Allie turned her attention to the new school year, burying herself in her studies. Charlotte worried occasionally about Allie's deep focus on her homework and school projects. What time wasn't spent on her studies, she filled with hours at the mercantile or Bill's office. To Charlotte, Allie seemed to be keeping herself occupied in as much 'busy' work as possible. Not allowing herself much downtime to think or feel the loss they all were experiencing. Charlotte understood it. She and Nathan were in the exact same position a year ago when Allie was living with Dylan in Edmonton.

Keeping oneself occupied, keeps your mind from wondering.

Wondering what could have been done differently. Wondering what else could have been said. Wondering what life would look like now that such an important piece was gone.

Allie wasn't the only one who was hurting. Nathan also caused Charlotte concern. Nightmares, like what he occasionally experienced in the days following their encounter with Beck, had returned. Charlotte would be shaken awake by him thrashing about beside her in bed, muttering incoherent thoughts aloud. Nathan would be dripping with sweat when she was finally able to wake him, but it was the fear in his eyes that made her blood run cold. He put on a brave facade and told her everything was alright, but they both knew he couldn't hide what he was truly feeling. At the same time, he wasn't quite ready to talk about it with her either.

Charlotte was okay with that. For now. She knew Nathan needed time to process. Time to be alone. Sometimes, she thought, it was harder for men to grieve than it was for women. Nathan wanted to be strong for them all, but as Charlotte told him time and again, it was okay to feel things too. To be sad, angry, hurt, and confused.

Her biggest concern was that, in a way, Nathan blamed himself for Warren's death. That he maybe didn't prepare Tremblay enough for the North. That Nathan didn't follow his instinct that told him it was wrong for Warren to have his own post in such a remote area. And that Nathan supported Warren's decision to go back to Cadotte Lake after Christmas instead of quitting the Mounties as he originally planned to.

Charlotte knew Nathan and knew he was the kind of man who always wondered whether he might have done better. Whether some way, somehow, he could have prevented Tremblay's untimely death. Warren had his whole life ahead of him, and it all seemed so unfair that, at times, Charlotte couldn't see how this was all part of a greater plan. What broke her heart most though, was seeing Allie and Nathan carry any sort of burden associated with Warren's murder at the hand of the criminal he was trying to protect his community from.

The only person who consistently seemed to help pull both Allie and Nathan out of their darkness was Liam. A blessing, Charlotte thanked God for every day. Liam was the first person Allie and Nathan wanted to see when they got home. The person they seemed to quietly tell all their secret heartaches to, and occasionally, Charlotte even saw the baby draw a smile or small chuckle out of her daughter and husband. Especially when the child would squeal and wiggle around in the evenings as he sat in Allie's lap and listened to Nathan play his guitar. Nothing too lively, but still music of any sort from her husband would always be a gift to Charlotte. Especially during these times. She believed as long as Nathan still had a song in his heart to play, she had hope for them all to come through this dark cloud that had been cast.

She knew that lesson from her own past. No matter what some people said, grief never completely ended, but it changed. It was a passage, not a place to stay. She also knew that grief was not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It was the price of love. And loving well.

A few weeks had gone by when Charlotte came to town with Liam. She knew that Nathan was out on his afternoon rounds, and she needed to run some errands before their family was due at Archie and Maise's apartment for dinner that night. Charlotte dropped off her son with his grandparents before swinging in to say hello to the Coulter's at their office and then picking up a few items she needed from the mercantile. On her way to check in on Allie, who had been spending time after school at Bill's office, Charlotte stopped to chat with some of the children playing games in the field nearby. They filled her in on what they were studying, and while Laura and Elizabeth were both excellent teachers, the kids mentioned how much they missed seeing Charlotte every day. She admitted to missing them too, and they were the reason she would be starting her Sunday school classes after church this weekend.

When Charlotte made it to Bill's office, the door was ajar and she went right in, scratching Bear behind the ears when the dog came up to greet her. Bill was sitting behind his desk and finally looked up when she took a seat in the chair across from him.

"I didn't hear you come in," he said, quickly taking off a pair of reading glasses he'd started to wear. He didn't like anyone seeing him use spectacles, as though doing so was a sign of weakness.

Charlotte shrugged. "The front door was open. I figured it was okay."

"You just missed Allie. She left a few minutes ago and went over to Archie and Maise's apartment."

"You are more than welcome to join us for dinner, Bill."

"I have work to do," he said gruffly, shuffling papers in front of him.

She sighed heavily. "Now I know who my husband and daughter get it from."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Charlotte's eyes fell on the picture in a small frame behind Bill. It was the one they all took together on Christmas Day. Nathan, a pregnant Charlotte, Allie, Warren, Remi, Archie, Maise, Henry, Abigail, and Bill with Bear in his arms, all standing in front of the Grant's family tree. "What I mean is, Nathan and Allie follow in your footsteps." She shifted her eyes to connect with Bill's. "Doing anything they can not to… Not to feel, I guess."

Bill took a shaky breath. The silence settled between them. He swiveled in his chair and took the picture Charlotte was admiring into his hands. "Young men aren't supposed to die. And when they do, even as Warren did, as a hero…" Bill's voice broke slightly. "It never gets any easier."

Charlotte knew Bill was not only thinking of Warren, but Jack Thornton too. And any of the other comrades he lost in his long tenure with law enforcement. As though sensing Bill's sadness, Bear, his husky puppy that was anything but a puppy anymore, came over to his master's side and laid a heavy head on the man's knee. Bill's hand moved to the dog and with each pet he seemed to shed some of his defenses.

"You're probably right though," Bill finally spoke up. "Allie was raised within the Force for all her life with Nathan. We're taught as Mounties not to show pain." He looked up at Charlotte and she noticed a slight twinkle in his eye. "My old instructor said it upsets the civilians."

Charlotte couldn't help but laugh at his quip as she swiped at the tears that escaped down her cheeks. "Well, you're not among Mounties now, Bill. But you are among family." She squeezed the man's hand and then stood to leave. "I'll see you later for dinner. You may be the judge around here, but you know I will overrule any of your objections."

When Charlotte stepped out of Bill's office, she saw that Nathan had returned from his rounds as Newton was now tied on the hitching post down the street. Sensing her husband was still at work and not with his parents yet for dinner, she made her way to the jail.

"Hi…" She said with a hint of trepidation in her voice.

He looked up from his pile of paperwork. "Hi."

"Are you…"

"I figured..."

Charlotte and Nathan both spoke at the same time, followed by nervous laughs.

"You go first." Charlotte offered.

"I was just saying, I figured you'd be at mom and dad's by now."

"Well, I dropped Liam off with them when I first came to town and then ran a few errands. I just came from Bill's office."

Nathan nodded but didn't say more, turning his attention back to the papers and folders on his desk. The couple had been in this awkward dance for weeks, ever since they found out about Warren. Each skirting around each other. Hoping not to show too deep of emotions over the loss as neither wanted to upset the other.

Enough was enough though.

Charlotte's hand settled over Nathan's on his desk, quieting its movement and drawing his attention back to her. "Let's go for a walk."

Nathan's throat bobbed. "I have some things to finish here, and mom and dad will be expecting us soon."

"We won't be long," her voice softened, folding her fingers into his palm. "I was thinking of just a quick loop around the pond. It's beautiful this time of year with the trees changing color and their reflection in the water."

"I don't know, Charlie…"

"Nate… Take a walk with me." Charlotte didn't wait for an answer or a rebuttal, she tugged lightly on his hand and drew him to his feet and then towards the door.

As they walked to the pond, they spotted Bill closing his office and making his way to Archie and Maise's apartment. Charlotte smiled and called out that she and Nathan were going for a short stroll and would be to dinner shortly.

The couple stayed silent the rest of their journey to the pond until they found themselves at the dock. Nathan leaned forward over the edge of the railing, staring out into the distance. Charlotte studied him, seeing the weight on his shoulders, the tense jaw, and the worry in his brow. He was there physically, but his mind was anywhere else.

For this to work, she needed him here. With her.

Charlotte removed the few steps between them and weaved her arms around Nathan's waist from behind. Pressing her body close to his. She felt him flinch at first. As though surprised by her touch and his muscles tensed and strained beneath her. She could feel his heart racing through the fabric of his uniform. His reaction caused Charlotte to hug him all the closer, chasing away his ghosts with the certainty of her. Slowly she felt him soften in her arms, like the final thaw of spring on a frozen river, the ice giving way to the flow of new life within its banks. First a great wave of trepidation, followed by a calming current.

With the crumbling of his walls, came the tears. Not full sobs, but soft, concealed whimpers of despair. Nathan's hands found hers at his waist. With slight pressure he loosened her hold just long enough to turn in her arms so they now faced one another. Charlotte's palms spread along his back keeping him close and their connection even closer.

Nathan gave her a tender and tear-stained expression. One she was sure matched her own. His two large hands came to frame her face in that way of his. "What did I ever do before you?" He asked with sincerity.

"It doesn't matter about before," she said. "All that matters is now."

He pulled her close, settling his chin atop her head as she fit perfectly against him, like two pieces of a puzzle.

Charlotte was happy to hold Nathan for a long time, but she knew it was also time to talk and she didn't want this opportunity of her husband being vulnerable with her to slip away. "Nate," she began. Her voice muffled by the expanse of his strong chest she rested against. "Are you ready to tell me what's on your mind? All of it?"

He took a sharp breath, a contemplative moment hung thick in the air before she felt him nod against her hair. "Yeah. I think I am."

She drew back ever so slightly and took his hand, directing him back towards the railing of the dock. They both leaned against it, taking a few moments to collect their thoughts as they watched the duck family, that settled on the pond over the summer, swim slowly by. Charlotte kept Nathan's hand in hers, refusing to let go.

When Nathan was ready, he shared all that had been troubling him over the past weeks since the news of Warren broke. Yes, he was grieving his friend and comrade, but it was more than that. He lost a brother. And as Charlotte anticipated, Nathan carried some guilt over Warren's death. Could he have done more to prepare the young man for the brutalities of being a Mountie in the North? Should he have done more and trusted his instincts when he first found out about Tremblay's solo posting in Cadotte. Should he have told him not to return after Christmas, and to give up his posting? Most of all he wondered if he should have given him more advice on how to handle the illegal whiskey trading that was happening around the territory.

But there was something else that gave Nathan pause which Charlotte hadn't anticipated. "I know we've talked about it before…" He ran a hand through his hair. "About, given my profession, if I was ever worried about something more happening." Charlotte saw Nathan's chin tremble. He had no more words immediately forthcoming. When he spoke again, there was a tremor in his voice. "I've always known there are risks with being a Mountie, but I've become confident in my abilities- in who I am. I don't inherently put myself in situations that could cause me to…" Charlotte's attention was drawn away from Nathan's face to where his calloused hand she'd been holding was now squeezing hers with increasing pressure and intensity. "But that's the thing I've realized with Warren's death- You can never be a hundred percent sure, can you? I could be out tracking a robber or transporting a criminal and something I didn't pay attention to, or one wrong move could cause me… Could cause me to… God, I can't even say it-" Nathan tilted his head back looking towards the sky. "It could cause me to leave my children without a father. Or you…" His gaze returned to Charlotte. His blue eyes full of turmoil. "A widow."

Charlotte could not deny his concerns. She had the same thoughts since beginning her relationship and marriage with Nathan. His job was dangerous. He battled the elements and maintained the right. At times, always needing to be on edge and aware of everyone and everything happening around him. His instincts were truly incredible, but even Nathan Grant was human. Mistakes happen. And mistakes in his line of work didn't just cost money, time, or business opportunities. They cost lives. Especially his own.

"Nathan," Charlotte began. "It makes complete sense for you to… to be concerned about this. And yes…" She traced a finger along the back of his white knuckles. "Maybe even a little afraid. I know how much your family means to you. How much you care for us and protect us. I… I imagine you know how things were for Elizabeth and Mrs. Novak after they lost their husbands and how that impacted their futures. And I…" It was Charlotte's turn for her voice to break. "I can't imagine what my life would look like without you in it, Nathan Grant."

She shook her head trying to physically remove the vision from her mind. It took her a while to collect her thoughts. "Fear is a funny thing. It always has us asking the question 'what if'. But do you know the one thing I've found that is stronger than fear?" Nathan didn't answer, but his gaze never wavered from her. "Faith, Nathan. Faith is stronger than fear. Because instead of 'what if', it lets us say 'even if'."

At that moment, the winds picked up, causing the crisp leaves to whirl around them. Charlotte heard her music then. God's answer in the breeze and the soft sounds of the ducks on the pond. "Nate, I'm choosing to have faith over fear. I truly believe you will always be a part of my life. And your children's. And…" She gave him a small, disarming smile, the one that deepened the dimple in her cheek. "Your grandchildren's, too. Because remember your dream you told me about at Christmas? That one day, you and I are going to be sitting on our front porch, still madly in love, with maybe a few more grey hairs and laugh lines, watching generations of our family live and grow right before our very eyes."

"Grey hairs, huh? I don't remember including that detail when I told you about my dream." Nathan's teasing made the last of their defenses fall. He pulled Charlotte close as their laughter overtook the pent-up tension of the past weeks.

"No. The grey hairs were an artistic flourish I took."

"I thought I was the published author in this partnership."

She giggled against his cheek. "But honestly, why don't you take a few days off. It may do you some good to take a step away from work and Mountie business. Maybe take Allie fishing. Or you and her go up to the mountains on a camping trip like you did last year. I think it would do you both a world of good. A little father and daughter time is just what you two need."

"That does sound wonderful. Do you think Allie would be up for it?"

"Having the chance to play hooky from school? She'll be all over it. And spending time with you…" Charlotte kissed his cheek. "Well, that's just the icing on the cake."

Nathan and Charlotte didn't stay much longer at the pond. It was getting late, and they knew that dinner would have been ready long ago at Maise and Archie's apartment. Nathan took his wife's hand, leading her back towards town. They were joking and discussing Nathan's plans for his trip to the mountains with Allie, accompanied by Charlotte warning him not to leave their daughter alone this time in the name of Mountie recruit training.

It wasn't until they rounded the corner to Main Street did their laughter wane. There, parked in front of Nathan's office, beside where Newton was still tied was an official RCMP cruiser. As they came closer, a Mountie stepped out of Nathan's office and spotted them.

Charlotte's eyes squinted as she looked to see who the man in the serge could be. "Is that…"

"Hargraves." The officer's name fell out of Nathan's mouth with an audible thud.

"Sargent Grant. Mrs. Grant." Hargraves gave them both a curt nod in recognition as they came together on the boardwalk. "I thought I missed you for the day since you were not in the office."

"I convinced Nathan to take a walk with me by the pond after work. It's beautiful there this time of year," Charlotte said, trying to make pleasantries. Neither she nor Nathan had seen Hargraves since the Mountie Ball almost two years prior.

"What brings you to Hope Valley?" Nathan asked, direct and to the point.

"I have a matter to discuss with you," Hargraves looked from Nathan to Charlotte and back again. "It may be best if we did it in private. I'm sure you'd understand Mrs. Grant."

Unwanted warmth wrapped around Nathan's stomach. In that moment he knew why Hargraves was here and he determined that he could not face that news without Charlotte by his side. "I've never known you to beat around the bush, Superintendent. I imagine the news you plan to give me affects my family just as much as it does me." Nathan felt Charlotte's face turn towards him, trying to silently read his thoughts. "You might as well tell us both, right now."

"Very well. If that is what you want. I imagine you understand this isn't pleasant news, so I won't delay in giving it to you." Hargraves drew out a large envelope from his breast pocket and handed it to Nathan.

"No, I'm sure you won't." Nathan took the papers and began to open them, but before he could read their contents, the superintendent continued.

"It is your severance."

"My severance!" Nathan's head shot up and he felt Charlotte come closer to his side. "What do you mean?"

"As you very well know, when a Mountie dies, it warrants a review per regulations. Upon the investigation into Tremblay's death, correspondence was discovered between you and the constable during the time he was concerned about illegal liquor trading in his territory. Upon headquarters review, it has been determined that your advice and suggestions to Constable Tremblay on how to handle this problem cost a good Mountie his life. Your mentorship caused Tremblay to disrespect orders and act irrationally."

"Now wait just one minute, Superintendent." Charlotte spoke up, unable to see her husband's character tarnished in this way. "That is a complete fallacy. And what makes it worse is you know it! How can you end a good man's career with a stroke of a pen?"

"Mrs. Grant, I warned you at the Mountie Ball that this would be the result if it was determined your husband's carelessness caused yet another Mountie to pay the ultimate sacrifice."

Charlotte felt Nathan's eyes glance sideways to her. She never told her husband about the conversation with Superintendent Hargraves at the Mountie Ball. It had been such a happy evening for Nathan, his hard work had finally been recognized and he was on the receiving end of some much-needed praise from the Force. While that evening her talk with the Superintendent rattled her, she was able to brush it off as it seemed insignificant at the time.

Hargraves continued. "One loss of life with the Mounties can be viewed as an accident, as was the case with Jack Thornton. A second time, Constable Novak's death, requires us to look deeper. I informed Mrs. Grant that if a third time should occur because of your willingness to not follow orders and go outside the normal protocol, it would be determined you are more of a risk to your fellow Mounties than an asset, and I would have your badge."

"You can't do this!" Charlotte cried; her fists clenched at her sides as she took a step forward. For a fleeting moment she contemplated striking the man in front of her.

Nathan must have sensed it too as his hand wrapped around her wrist, stopping her advancement. "Char…" He muttered under his breath. "Let it be."