Chapter 38
Questions and Answers
Harry chewed on his lip as he stood outside the Book Nook. He overslept this morning. He had panicked and raced downstairs when he had realized it was already after ten in the morning. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so long. When he had reached the kitchen, he found a note from Snape. It had said that he was in the lab and would be there for the day. Snape had also said he could go out but to be back by dark.
He didn't know what to make of the note. He hoped Snape wasn't mad at him for oversleeping. He'd decided he should go to town. He had been avoiding Mary, but he had the money to repay her now. He wanted to get his debts paid.
With a deep breath he pushed the door open and stepped into the shop. The dust had started to collect again, and Harry felt a surge of guilt. His fingers twitched to just go to the cleaning cupboard and get the supplies.
"Welcome." Mary called from the back.
Harry looked down at the ground, he felt guilty. He hadn't meant to abandon Mary. She hadn't done anything wrong. He'd just felt wary about how intertwined the various parts of his life had become. Cokeworth had been his place to just be himself. Now that Snape knew, it felt like a weakness. Like Snape could look past the walls and masks and see something deeper in him. It scared him.
His mind began to run through all that Snape was now aware of. All the things he'd told the man. All the things he had seen on the exam. It was too much.
His mind jumped to yesterday and learning about Remus and Sirius. He still hadn't sorted out the memories he'd seen, and they seemed to be assaulting his mind.
Then there was the strange conversation with Snape last night. Was Snape just pitying him? He'd been pretty firm with not using magic and not using his Animagus. Then last night he had just done a complete turnaround. Maybe it was a trick.
"Max?" Mary asked as she walked up to him.
He could feel his body shaking. He missed spending his days in the quiet bookshop. He could feel tears in his eyes as he thought of all the ways he'd messed up this summer. He just wanted to go back.
"Hey. Hey now. It's okay. Come on. Come sit." Mary said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. He forced himself not to flinch away from the touch. He wanted this touch. This moment of human contact. He sat gently in the chair and remembered it was the same one in the photo Snape had given him last night. It was the last crack that broke the dam. Tears started falling down his face. He kept his head tipped down, embarrassed at the scene he was making.
"Sorry." He whispered.
"You're okay. Everything's going to be okay." Mary said softly, still standing next to him with her hand on his shoulder.
Harry felt the weight too many stressful days crashing over him. He'd been pushing everything down. Over and over again. He'd avoided thinking about any of the things that had happened. Every time he did, he seemed to find himself in this state. Completely overwhelmed and breaking down.
Harry sucked in a shaky breath and focused on his wall. He pulled it up a little and tucked as much as he could behind it. No one could help him. Mary certainly couldn't. He wiped the tears from his face and felt his cheeks blush deeply.
"Sorry Mrs. Ash. I should go. I um…" Harry pulled the bag from his shoulder and Mary took a step back.
Harry dug to the bottom, found the envelope for Mary, and pulled it out.
"I um…I just came by to give you this. Sorry again." Harry said standing and holding out the envelope.
Harry glanced through his long hair and saw the worried look on her face. If he didn't pull himself together, she was likely to call Snape. The last thing he needed was Snape getting a call about Harry having a breakdown in the middle of town. He'd be livid.
Mary took the envelope and opened it. Then she closed it and held it out with a confused look on her face.
"What is this?" Mary asked.
"I wanted to pay you back…for um… the money you gave me. I appreciate you helping me out and I…Um I still plan on finishing the roof. Sorry." Harry muttered out.
Mary made a disapproving sound at the back of her throat and set the envelope on the small table between the two chairs.
"Sit. You're not leaving until we have tea." Mary said with a touch of annoyance. She turned from Harry and walked into the back of the shop.
Harry sat as she had instructed. He should have just gone to the park. He was too raw to be with people right now.
Harry sat twisting his hands together nervously.
When Mary returned with the tea tray, he took it from her and set it on the table. Mary took her seat and picked up one cup and handed it to Harry. Then she picked up the other one and took a sip.
She sat back in her seat and studied him. He could see her out of the corner of his eye, but he couldn't look at her. He couldn't help but constantly disappoint everyone around him.
"What's wrong Max?" Mary asked softly.
Harry shrugged. What wasn't wrong right now? He felt the lump growing in his throat again.
"I just keep disappointing everyone. I…I just want this to stop." Harry whispered, putting his hand in the middle of his chest.
He felt like he couldn't breathe. Like the weight of everything was physically crushing him.
"Max, take a breath. You're getting yourself worked up again." Mary said softly.
Harry tried to take a breath and realized he really couldn't. He closed his eyes and tried to pull up his wall. That wasn't helping. Harry patted his pockets and found the inhaler he'd gotten yesterday. He pulled off the cap and sprayed the medication while he inhaled as deeply as he could. He recapped the inhaler and shoved it back into his pocket.
He closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths. When his breathing seemed normal, he looked at Mary.
He gave her a sad smile.
"Sorry, I haven't been to the shop. I can do some work today. I really am sorry about all this. I'd just wanted to come to pay you back." Harry said.
Mary pursed her lips.
"You worked hard for that money Max. I won't take it back. Where on earth did you even get that?" Mary said waving a hand at the envelope.
Harry took a deep breath.
"My father's family was well off. I have money. I just didn't have access to it while I was…well while I was here. You gave me more then I'd earned that first paycheck and I…I spent it on something I shouldn't have. I needed to pay you back." Harry explained.
Mary hummed a little.
"Do you have any idea how much it would have cost me to have the work done, that you did?" Mary asked.
Harry shrugged.
"No, Ma'am." Harry said.
Mary nodded.
"Quite a bit more than that. I appreciate all the hard work you have put into the shop and my home Max. I can't accept this money. In fact, I asked Severus to send you my way so that I could pay you for the work you did on my roof. I also have a few books I think you'd like." Mary said in a no-nonsense tone.
Harry bit his lip. When had she talked to Snape? Had they talked about him? Snape had never said anything about Mary wanting to see him.
He couldn't possibly take more money from Mary. He didn't need it. He didn't want it. He just wanted to go back, and no amount of money was going to do that.
"Did you get the supplies to finish the roof?" Harry asked.
Mary nodded.
"I Um…I could work on the shop for a bit and then head over to your house and get that finished." Harry offered.
Mary's brows furrowed as she looked at him. She eventually nodded.
"Sure. I wouldn't mind the company around the shop. Have you had breakfast?" Mary asked.
Harry blushed.
He had not felt comfortable eating at Snapes. Snape had told him he needed to eat at least two meals. However, Snape had clearly moved on with his day and Harry had overslept so much, he didn't feel like he was should eat the mans food.
"No, Ma'am." Harry said, shaking his head.
Mary nodded.
"Alright. Go up to the diner and get something to eat. Then come back." Mary said.
Harry hesitated for a moment then nodded. He had money in his bag for Jane too. He wanted to pay her back for the meals she'd given him when he couldn't afford them. He also needed to stop next door and pay Julie back for paying his stay at the Sundown.
Harry stood and swung his pack back on his back.
He nodded at Mary and headed out.
Mary watched the boy leave. Once he was past the window she stood and headed for the back of the store. She had no idea what had caused the boy to break down. She hadn't seen him in over a week. Severus had stopped by and asked about him, then Julie had passed on a note yesterday but that had been all. However, as far as she could tell the only people he'd been around was Severus. The boy seemed so broken. She'd told Severus not to upset him.
When she got to the back of the store, she took the phone from the hook and dialed Severus's number. He'd be getting a piece of her mind. He better have a good explanation.
Mary huffed as the phone just rang and rang. She finally gave up and put the phone down. She'd need to talk to the boy and see if she could get the story out of him. She was rather attached to Max. She didn't want to see him so upset.
She also wouldn't be taking his money. He had left the envelope on the table, but he would have it back in his hand as well as the pay she had for him when he left today.
She had not wanted to put the boy to work but she was hesitant to turn him away. He clearly needed someone to keep an eye on him today.
Mary took a deep breath and collected the books she had been setting aside for him. She had found a few that she thought he would love.
Mary set the books and both envelopes under the front counter and started working on some of her neglected accounting while she waited for Max to return. She would close early tonight, she decided. If he insisted on finishing the roof tonight, she would not have him doing it in the dark. Then she would make sure he had a hearty meal before he left. He somehow looked thinner than he had been the last time she'd seen him.
She hoped Severus was actually helping the boy and not making things worse. She would stash the boy back in the motel if he was. She'd take him home with her if she had too. She'd not let Severus take out his frustration on Max.
Harry returned to the Book Nook after his quick meal. Jane had been thankful for the money. She'd also tried to turn the money away but eventually thanked him for paying her back. Julie had been busy with another customer, and he'd just slipped it into a stack of papers near the register and sent her a nod.
Now he was settling into the old familiarity of cleaning the quiet book shop. He was glad to be here again. He liked the peaceful feeling here. There had been a few people in and out of the shop, but he had stayed out of sight. He didn't want to have to interact with anyone today.
He had nearly cleaned the whole store when Mary called out to him.
"Max?" Mary called from the front of the store.
"Yes, ma'am." Harry said, coming out from between the aisles with a dust rag in his hand.
Mary smiled softly at him.
"You've got dust in your hair." Mary said.
Harry blushed and ran his hand through his hair hoping to brush away the dust.
"I think we ought to head to the house, if you are still wanting to get back on the roof today." Mary said.
Harry nodded and put away his supplies.
He followed Mary out of the shop and walked the two blocks to her house. He was feeling significantly calmer now. He'd been very wound up when he had shown up at the shop. He had buried enough of his thoughts behind his wall he was now enjoying the day.
He made Mary her tea before heading to the yard and acquiring the latter. He made quick work of the last of the patching and returned to the kitchen.
"All done?" Mary asked.
"Yes, ma'am." Harry said softly before heading to the sink. He washed his hands thoroughly before he turned off the water. He dried his hands and turned to look at Mary.
"Would you like me to make dinner?" Harry asked.
"That would be lovely. But only if you're up to it." Mary said from the table. She had a book open in front of her.
"Yes, ma'am." Harry said, as he retrieved things from the refrigerator. He still felt terribly embarrassed about breaking down in front of Mary this morning. He set about making dinner. Mary had had chicken, and he knew a wonderful chicken recipe. Well, he supposed he didn't know if it was any good, but he'd made it several times when the Dursley's had company.
He hoped to start fixing the relationships with the people he had disappointed. For Mary, he had given her back the money, cleaned the shop and finished the roof. It probably would never be enough, but it was a start.
He was still thinking of ways to make things right with Snape, Sirius, and Remus.
Mary watched as Max cooked. She had her book open, but she was mostly watching the boy. Julie had come into the shop while Max was working and shown her an envelope he'd left for her.
Julie said it was the same amount she had paid for Max's stay at the Sundown. She had no interest in being paid back. She had been so upset about Mark hurting Max, and so thankful for him stopping Mark, she had wanted to help him out.
They had talked quietly about it and Julie had left the envelope with her. She promised she'd get it back to Max.
She had tucked the books and the envelopes in a bag before they had left the shop and planned to make sure he took them. When they finished eating dinner they would be talking. She had never seen Max so upset as he had been this morning. She wanted to get to the bottom of this situation. If she could help him, she would.
Max set the table and placed a wonderful smelling meal in the middle. She was once again amazed at the boy's talent in the kitchen. He had so many wonderful skills and was such a bright boy. It was heartbreaking that he had suffered such a painful life.
Mary watched as Max went back to the sink and scrubbed his hands. She'd noticed when he seemed more stressed the repetitive hand cleaning became more common.
She sighed.
When Max joined her at the table, they both dished up. She was saddened to see how little he took. She'd never seen him eat more than what a small child might eat in a meal. She hoped Severus was aware of this problem. She wasn't sure how it could be corrected. She also didn't know if it was a self-imposed restriction on food or something medical.
Mary took a bite and hummed in appreciation.
"This is wonderful." Mary said with a smile.
Max blushed and looked down at his plate. He was so bashful of any kind of praise. It was depressing really.
"Thank you." Max said softly.
They ate in comfortable silence and then Max stood and cleared the table. When he was done with his cleaning, he seemed to hesitate a little. He seemed nervous and she noticed him ringing his hands. She'd noticed the same behavior when he'd first been working in the shop. It was troubling to see him back sliding so much.
"Come sit." Mary said softly.
Max sat but kept his head down.
"I want to apologize again for this morning. I shouldn't have…well I should have been more put together when I showed up. I hope you'll forgive me. I'm also sorry that it's taken me so long to finish the roof." Max mumbled.
Mary sighed.
"It's fine Max. I missed you around the shop, but you don't need to feel bad about it. As far as the roof I do appreciate it, but I'm not concerned. It's done now. Thank you." Mary said.
Mary hesitantly reached out and laid her hand on the boy's arm. She could feel a slight flinch but he didn't pull away.
"Please talk to me. I'm not angry or disappointed with you at all. I am worried about you though. Can you tell me what had you so upset this morning?" Mary asked softly.
Max bit his lip and took a few deep breaths.
"I suppose I was just overwhelmed. Things have been very stressful, and I feel like I keep disappointing people." Max answered.
Mary considered that.
"Who do you feel you've disappointed? Severus?" Mary asked.
Max nodded and slightly shrugged his shoulder.
"Yes, but also…Well I don't really know what to call them. They…They were friends of my parents. They're trying to become my guardians…but I don't know. I feel like I keep letting them down and I don't think they really want me. Who would? I'm a mess." Max said with a shaky breath.
Mary was curious about these potential new guardians. Max seemed hesitant about them. She wanted to correct him and tell him he wasn't a mess. He was just struggling and that things would get better, but she didn't want to interrupt.
"They told me some things yesterday and I was confused, but I think I hurt there feelings when I told them that I needed some space to think about it. I just didn't know how to feel. I still don't know how I feel. Lied to, I guess. I thought I knew them but now I'm just not sure." Max continued.
"I always try my hardest to be who everyone expects me to be but it's exhausting. I just can't do it anymore. This summer has been the first time I feel like I've ever been able to just be myself. Now I feel like I have to put all the masks back on." Max finished dropping his head into his hands.
"Snape gave me something last night. A photo of him and my mother. I…I don't know what to make of it. He didn't want to talk about it, and he was busy when I left today. When I got to the shop today and saw the chair that they were sitting in, in the photo. I…I guess everything just got to be too much. I'm sorry." Max muttered, not raising his head.
"I just don't want to do this anymore." Max whispered.
Mary sat back in her seat. She was proud of Severus for giving the boy the picture. However, she'd expected him to talk to Max. Not just drop it on him and walk away. It sounded like the boy had far too many expectations being put on him and just needed a break.
She wasn't sure how she could help with that. She hoped he would keep coming back to the shop. He seemed so at home there. She didn't even care if he did any work. She'd be happy to just have him sit and read or visit with her.
She wondered if Severus was aware of just how close to the edge the boy was. She would try and call him tomorrow. The sun was starting to set and although she didn't want to send Max away, she didn't want him to get into trouble either.
"Max, look at me honey." Mary called softly.
Max met her eye, and she could see so much pain on his face.
"You're not a mess and anyone would be lucky to have you. You're a wonderful child. I've only known you for these past few weeks and I know that. If these other adults can't see it, it's their loss. Try and give them a little grace though. Life is hard and sometimes people think they are doing the right thing in the moment. They think they're making the best decision with what they know at the time. It's only later they realize they are wrong." Mary said honestly.
"I'm sorry you have so much on your shoulders. I know it all feels overwhelming right now, but it will get better." Mary said.
She wished she could offer more.
Max took a deep breath.
"Yeah. I hope so." Max said.
He looked exhausted.
"Do you plan on coming back to town tomorrow?" Mary asked.
Max shrugged.
"I'm never sure if I'm going to be allowed out. It was nice being back in the shop today. There isn't much left to do though…I might see if I can work for Jack tomorrow." Max said thoughtfully.
Mary nodded. She didn't think what the boy needed was more work. He needed a break. Some time to just enjoy being a kid.
"I should get going. I need to make a quick stop on my way home." Max said standing from his seat.
Mary smiled.
"Feeding your kitten?" Mary asked.
Max looked surprised.
"Julie told me about it when she brought me your note." Mary said.
Max blushed a little and nodded.
"Yeah. I want to check on him before I head back." Max answered with a little smile.
"Very well. Stop by the shop tomorrow if you have a chance." Mary said with a smile.
Harry smiled back at Mary. He'd almost made it to the kitchen door when Mary spoke again..
"There's a bag by the door for you. Some books I thought you might like." Mary said softly.
Harry smiled. He had really grown his book collection over the past few days. He was sure whatever Mary had picked for him would be perfect.
"Thanks." Harry said over his shoulder as he made his way into the hall.
Harry picked up the bag by the door. He looked inside and found four fantasy books. They looked good. Then he saw something peeking out between two of them. He reached in and pulled it out. It was three envelopes. The first two were the envelopes he'd given to Mary and Julie, and the last he'd never seen but it also had money in it. The pay Mary had said she had for him, he supposed.
Harry walked into the living room and set the envelopes on the small table next to Mary's chair. He'd not take the money.
Mary and Julie had paid him plenty in kindness and understanding. They had made him feel comfortable in the little town. Allowed him to feel like he belonged somewhere.
He took the books and put them in his bag and headed out the door.
Severus sat at the kitchen table with a cooling cup of tea. He had worked in the lab all day. When he had woken and saw that Harry was still asleep, he had tried to be quiet and not wake him. He wasn't ready to talk about the photo he had given him. It had been impulsive and now he wished he could take it back.
He had headed to the lab as soon as he had been ready for the day. Harry still hadn't come down, so he'd left a note. It was cowardly but he just couldn't face all the memories. He'd been steeling himself all day for the inevitable conversation. He had thought out answers to all of the likely questions. He wanted to be prepared.
His mind had bounced back and forth between questions he expected, as well as the gnawing questions he wanted to ask Harry. Their conversation from two nights ago had been illuminating but he was left with many questions unanswered. He found himself wanting to better understand Harry. To get to know him.
Severus had come to the uncomfortable conclusion that he really knew nothing about Harry. He'd taken what he thought the boy would be like when he first came to the school. Then he had just run with it.
He rubbed his temples.
The bag of drugs was still in his drawer upstairs. He wasn't sure how to address that yet. It was clear from everything that he'd seen from Harry that he was hurting. He just didn't want the boy to numb his pain that way. He had seen too many good kids get drag down by drugs and potions, trying to run from their pain. Things would likely get more painful before he was able to heal.
He thought perhaps sitting Harry down with Black and Lupin would be ideal for that conversation. He didn't want the boy to feel like he was in trouble. He just wanted to help him before he was in too deep.
Minerva's comments about his trip to Diagon had also circled in his mind today. Aside from the large amount of money he'd taken out of the bank he'd also bought an excessive amount of books. Then he'd insisted on buying his clothing from a thrift shop. The boy made no sense at all.
Severus glanced out the window. It was nearly dark. Harry would be back soon.
Severus waved his wand at the cup in front of him and warmed it back up. He watched as the steam swirled around. He wondered what Harry had done with his day. Yesterday had been a lot. He chastised himself for forgetting once again to pass on Mary's message. He hoped Harry had gone to town today. If he hadn't, he would tell Harry to go tomorrow.
He took a sip of his tea and then heard the front door close softly.
Severus took a deep breath and steadied his nerves. Whatever the boy had done with his day he hoped that he was in a good mood. Harry deserved to have a few good days.
Harry walked in with his head down.
Well, this didn't look promising, Severus thought. He would keep his tone calm. He needed to talk to Harry about his potions schedule but if he didn't want to talk more then that he wouldn't push.
"Good evening." Severus said.
Harry raised his head and Severus noticed the exhaustion on his face.
"Would you like some tea?" Severus asked.
"No thank you." Harry answered.
Harry seemed to shift from one foot to the other for a moment.
"I'm sorry I overslept this morning." Harry mumbled.
Severus raised his eyebrow. He'd never asked him to be up by a specific time. It was summer hols and Potter's body had a lot of healing to do. Not to mention he'd nearly died the day before.
"I don't have a time you need to be up by. How was your breathing today? Any more asthma attacks?" Severus asked calmly.
Harry pulled on the sleeve of his shirt. Severus was pleased to see that this one at least seemed to fit him and was clean and presentable. He was thrilled the boy had not just replaced his rags with new rags.
"I had a little trouble breathing earlier in the day. I used my inhaler. I've been fine since." Harry mumbled.
Severus sighed. He'd hoped the medication he was taking would help prevent some of the issues. Though the doctor said it may take a few days.
"Have you eaten?" Severus asked.
Harry nodded.
"Where did you eat?" Severus asked.
He had been sickened by how light the boy had been when he had picked him up yesterday. He needed to get some weight on him. Severus wouldn't nag Harry, but he would do what he could to help him. He felt the boy sometimes answered questions the way he thought people wanted them to be answered. Not an outright lie but something closer to omission. He wanted to make sure that Harry had actually eaten.
"I made dinner at Mary's." Harry said softly.
Severus nodded.
He was glad that the boy had gone back. He wondered if he'd mentioned the picture to her. Though he was hesitant to talk about it he now found himself wanting to get the conversation out of the way.
"I'm sorry I forgot to pass on her message." Severus said.
He genuinely had forgotten. He'd felt so scattered this summer. He wasn't sure if it had to do with his exit from spy duties or the unfamiliarity of sharing his house, but he felt like he needed to start leaving himself notes.
Harry just shrugged.
"It's fine." Harry said, shrugging his bag higher on his shoulders. It looked heavy.
"Why don't you set your bag down and come have a seat." Severus said, waving his hand at the chair across from him.
Harry seemed to hesitate for a moment before nodding and shuffling to the seat.
Severus reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He looked it over and slid it across the table.
"This is the schedule for your potions and medication. I'd like you to stick to it as closely as possible. I have brewed the other potions. They are on the counter. You may use the stomach soothers and calming draughts as needed. Though I'd advise you take the stomach soothers with each meal for a while. You're not eating enough." Severus said softly.
Harry sighed.
"I'm sorry, Sir." Harry said as he looked over the paper.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. The boy needed to learn to stop apologizing for things that weren't his fault.
"It's hardly your fault that your previous guardians didn't see fit to feed you." Severus drawled.
Harry bit his lip. Severus wondered how the rest of the boy's day had gone.
"Can I ask a question, sir?" Harry said softly.
Severus braced himself for whatever would come next. He would try and be as honest as he could about Lily.
Severus nodded.
"Do you think Sirius and Remus are really going to get custody?" Harry asked, looking Severus in the eye.
Severus felt thrown off by the question. He'd expected questions about Lily. Or even questions about himself.
"That is the plan." Severus answered.
Harry looked down at his lap and twisted his hands together.
"What happens if that doesn't work out?" Harry asked.
Severus sat back. He hadn't really thought about it. Black and Lupin were biologically his parents. They'd done a blood adoption. Even with Lupins condition there wasn't anything stopping them from taking Harry. The only reason he wasn't already with them was that they hadn't figured out the wards. And Albus, he had to concede.
Though Severus didn't think Albus would truly be able to keep Harry from them, if they decided to take him.
"I'm not sure." Severus answered honestly.
Harry nodded.
"Okay." Harry whispered.
Harry kept his head down and twisted his hands together.
"Are you worried about staying with them, or are you worried you won't be able to?" Severus asked.
Harry just shrugged.
"Both I suppose." Harry answered quietly.
Harry stood from the table and Severus watched as he walked to the stove and set the kettle.
Severus considered how to approach this. He wanted to reassure Harry that things would work out. However, he supposed there was still a chance it wouldn't. He also wanted to better understand Harry's worries about living with them. Harry clearly had a lot going on but if he had specific concerns Severus would do what he could to address them.
A few moments later Harry was sat back across from him cradling a cup of tea.
"Why are you worried about staying with them?" Severus asked.
Severus still didn't fully understand the dynamic between the mutts and Harry.
Harry took a sip of his tea and then set it on the table.
"I…I just don't want to let them down again. I've been trying to be better, but I just don't think I'll ever be what they want." Harry said.
"They don't want something broken. No one does." Harry said softly.
Severus' heart clenched. He would keep Harry if things did not work out with the mutts for some reason. He'd not allow Albus to make any more decisions for the boy.
"When you were missing Lupin was practically beside himself with worry, Harry. I think he very much wants you. I'm sorry the adults in your life have let you down so much. We're only human and we've made a lot of mistakes. I promise though that if things for whatever reason don't work out with Lupin and Black, you will always have a place here." Severus said earnestly.
Harry looked shocked and a little wary.
"You…You'd keep me?" Harry asked.
Severus smirked a little. It was a strange thought. He'd never thought he'd be offering this child a place to stay.
"Yes, I would. Did Black and Lupin show you the paper that I gave them?" Severus asked.
He'd made a copy for them. However, he and Harry hadn't talked about what was actually on the parchment.
Harry shook his head.
"Just a minute." Severus said, standing from the table.
He went to his office and retrieved the top piece of parchment from Harry's exam. Then returned to the kitchen.
"I told you the other night I wished to speak with someone about this. It was Black and Lupin. I was unaware that they were your parents and couldn't explain it. I wanted a chance to speak with them first. Did they explain how that came to be?" Severus asked, holding the parchment out to Harry.
Harry shrugged a little and took the parchment.
"Remus showed me." Harry said distractedly as he looked over the page.
Severus sighed and nodded.
He still couldn't believe Lupin's stupidity. Harry may be a Legilimens, but he had no training. He could have hurt Lupin in the process. Not to mention the amount of information Harry had taken in, they were lucky the boy hadn't been catatonic after.
"Do you understand how it happened?" Severus asked cautiously.
Harry nodded.
"I saw them explain it to you." Harry said looking back at Severus.
"You and McGonagall are both on here?" Harry asked in confusion.
Severus nodded.
"Yes, it appears your parents wanted to make sure there were options for guardian should anything happen to them." Severus said softly.
Harry bit his lip and looked back down at the paper.
"Why didn't any of you take me then?" Harry said brokenly. His eyes pleaded for an answer.
It was a painful question in hindsight. There had been so many people who could have taken the boy in and given him a better life. What on earth had Albus been thinking leaving a magical child with Petunia? Had he never once checked on him?
Severus occluded. He felt the pain of the question deep in his chest and he knew that the answer would be a painful one to give.
"We were unaware. Your mother and I…" Severus started before cutting himself off. He didn't know how to explain all that had happened. Despite his planning today he still felt unsure of himself.
"You were her friend. Right?" Harry said softly.
Severus met the child's eyes. So like his mothers. Especially now, full of compassion and understanding.
Severus nodded and took a sip of his tea.
"Yes, we were." Severus said softly.
Harry nodded.
"Were you still friends when she died?" Harry asked.
Severus sighed. He felt like his heart was in a vice.
"No, we had a falling out years before. I had no reason to believe that I would be listed as any sort of guardian." Severus explained.
Harry nodded in thought.
"What about McGonagall?" Harry asked.
"She was also unaware. None of us knew that so many potential guardians had been named for you. Albus should have checked. I'm not sure why he didn't." Severus said.
Harry bit his lip and looked away. Severus could see anger in his eyes. He was proud of the boy for keeping himself in check. They were all upset with Albus, but Harry certainly had the most reason to be.
"Why didn't they tell anyone?" Harry asked softly.
Severus wished he had an answer for that but there was nothing.
"I don't know. Your parents' deaths were sudden. We are unaware of when they made these decisions. There may simply not have been time." Severus said.
Harry sighed.
They sat in silence for a while. Severus watched Harry as he stared at the paper in front of him.
"Do you understand everything on there?" Severus finally said, breaking the silence.
Harry shrugged and then nodded.
"I think so. Does inherited mean that all of these things I got from my parents? Or would that include Sirius and Remus?" Harry asked.
"They could have come from any of them. They may have also skipped a generation, such as the metamorphmagus abilities. Those certainly came from the Black family. Although they may have been past from James as he had Black ancestors as well. However, none of your parents had the ability." Severus explained.
Harry's brow creased then he nodded his understanding.
"Do you know where any of them come from?" Harry asked curiously.
Severus smiled softly.
"Your mother had aura sight." Severus said.
A small smile pulled at the corner of Harry's lips.
"We would go on adventures around town. Looking for things that were magical. She would tell me how they looked to her. The way she would describe auras was beautiful." Severus said a little wistfully.
Harry gave him a huge smile. Severus felt his heart get a little lighter.
"They are amazing. Growing up I only saw them sometimes. I didn't understand what I was seeing. Some things just looked more brilliant then others. Some people too. Coming into the magical world was like stepping into a world only made of that brilliance. It was almost blinding." Harry mused.
Severus nodded. He could remember he and Lily's first trip to Diagon.
"Yes, when your mother and I first went to Diagon together, she was amazed. She said the whole world looked like it was covered in shimmering glitter." Severus said rolling his eyes a little at the silliness.
"You went to Diagon together?" Harry asked.
Severus snorted a little laugh as he thought back to that day.
-Memory-
"Severus!" Lily called.
Severus ran down the street as fast as his little legs would carry him. He was getting to go to Diagon Alley with Lily and her family. He couldn't help the grin that was splitting his face despite the turmoil at home last night. His father had been raging at them both when his mother had said that Severus needed to get his school supplies.
He now sported a split lip, but he wouldn't let it ruin his day.
Lily flew into his arms and crushed him in a tight hug.
"Can you believe it? Were finally getting to go. Only another week and we'll be off to Hogwarts!" Lily chattered loudly as they walked up on the front steps and took a seat to wait for her parents.
Severus smiled. He was excited too. He couldn't wait to be away from his father and on a new adventure with his best friend.
"Mum's making snacks for the trip. She's excited too. I think my dad still doesn't believe it's all real." Lily explained.
"Is Petunia coming?" Severus asked.
Lily nodded.
"Of course. She is still hoping she can go. I tried to tell her she doesn't have magic and she just got all pinch faced and called me a freak again. I wish she could come with me. Maybe she wouldn't be so mean then. I think she just feels left out." Lily said a little sadly.
Severus scooted closer to her. Lily's head leaned on his shoulder, and he leaned his head on hers.
"This is amazing Severus. Look at it all. Everything is like glitter. Like all of our shimmering treasure from back home." Lily said, spinning around in the middle of the street. Her red hair shimmering in the summer sunlight.
Severus smiled. He loved to see her happy.
"Come along kids." Mr. Evans said.
Severus smirked at the awed look on his face.
"I think you're dad believes now." Severus whispered into Lily's ear.
Lily giggled and nodded.
She took Severus' hand and dragged him along behind her.
They'd had a truly magical day. He hadn't had much money and was planning to use many of his mother's hand-me-downs, but he had been able to get a wand and a few books. They'd finished the day with ice cream, and it had been the best end to a wonderful day.
-End Memory-
"Yes, her parents, your grandparents, took us both after our first letters arrived." Severus answered.
Harry smiled.
Harry wondered what his grandparents had been like. He was surprised at the ease that Snape was talking about this. He'd gotten the impression that the man wouldn't be willing to talk about it at all. Especially after his abrupt exit from the kitchen the night before after giving him the photo.
He was feeling significantly lighter than he had all day. His trip to the park had been disappointing. He couldn't find Edgar and was worried that he was gone. He'd left food at the base of the tree and left. He'd felt so broken down when he'd gotten back to Snapes. He was exhausted and had hope to just apologize to Snape about oversleeping and go to bed.
However now he was glad that they were talking. Snape had said that he could ask questions, but he was always hesitant about such things. The Dursley's had beaten inquisitiveness out of him. At least when it came to asking others. He had always just had to find the answer to his own questions or go without the information.
He was trying to imagine the two children in the picture he had upstairs running around Cokeworth. Playing in the park. It was nice. He wished he could know more but felt he'd already asked to much of Snape for one night.
Harry fidgeted with the cup in front of him. He was unsure what to do now. Snape seemed to read his mind as he spoke again.
"You may ask more questions if you wish. I must admit I have a few questions I'd like to ask you as well. Though I will not push you to answer if they make you uncomfortable." Snape said.
Harry rolled that around in his mind a little. He did want to ask more questions, but he wondered if the answers were worth answering whatever questions Snape had.
Harry bit his lip, as he thought. He'd already felt so exposed the last two days. Could he really handle more questions? He supposed if it meant getting more information about his mother, he could answer a few of Snapes questions. Perhaps he could ask Snape some questions about himself as well. He didn't know the man very well, but he'd certainly seen a different side of him since coming to stay.
"A question for a question?" Harry asked cautiously.
Snape sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. He studied Harry for a long moment before he nodded.
"I suppose that would be fair." Snape answered stiffly.
"Rules?" Harry asked cautiously.
If he and Snape were going to do this, he wanted to know what the boundaries were. He didn't want to set the man off unintentionally, asking something he shouldn't have. He always preferred it when the rules were clear.
Snape brought his finger to his mouth for a moment and looked deep in thought. They sat in silence for a while before Snape sat forward and clasped his hands on the table.
"I think as long as we remain respectful that there won't need to be any further rules. Is there anything you would like to add?" Snape asked.
Harry thought for a moment. He was hesitant to talk but everyone kept saying or implying that talking would help. Perhaps this was his opportunity. He didn't want Snape to share what he said with anyone though.
"Can we keep this between us? I understand that you had to share some of the medical stuff but…can this just stay between us?" Harry said, twisting his hands together.
Snape stared at him for a long moment before nodding.
"I believe that will be acceptable. As long as it is reciprocated. I'd prefer what I share to also remain between us. I will also add the caveat that if you share something I feel needs to be talked about for your safety, I will. I will inform you beforehand however." Snape explained.
Harry thought about that for a moment. He could certainly keep whatever Snape said to himself. He was good at keeping secrets and not just his own. He was hesitant about the second part but decided Snape could easily back out and share all of it, so it hardly made any difference.
"Okay." Harry said with a nod.
Harry looked into his cup and realized it was nearly empty. He stood and collected his and Snapes cups. He walked to the stove and set the kettle.
"Go ahead. I already got a few of my questions answered." Harry said softly not facing Snape.
He took a deep breath and waited.
Severus considered Harry for a moment. He wanted to ask the tough questions. However, he felt he was being given an opportunity to actually get to know the boy. More than just his trauma. Perhaps he could build a little trust with some easier questions.
"What's your favorite color?" Severus asked.
Harry looked over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow. Severus smirked a little. The boy looked terribly skeptical of such a simple question. He didn't really care but he figured he could start small. The boy was a Gryffindor, no doubt it would be red.
"Green." Harry said as he made the tea.
Severus was surprised and a little skeptical.
Harry chuckled a little as he sat down the cups.
"Thank you." Severus said, moving the cup a little closer.
The smell of mint caught his attention. He looked into his cup and found that his was his calming tea which had no mint.
"Is your stomach bothering you?" Severus asked, his brow furrowing. He only kept mint tea for nights he couldn't get his stomach to settle.
Harry just shrugged and cradled the mug closer to him.
Severus let it drop.
"So, green. Why green?" Severus asked.
Harry smiled softly.
"It's the color of new beginnings. Trees and grass. It's fresh and calming. I used to hate the color green when I was little… But it's been my favorite for years now." Harry murmured as he blew gently on his cup.
"Why did you hate it?" Severus asked curiously.
Harry frowned.
"You've already asked your question. More than one actually." Harry said.
Severus nodded. He had asked the boy a few questions. However now he was curious. He'd been given a surprising answer and it left him wanting to know more.
"What's your favorite color?" Harry asked with a little smirk. No doubt the boy expected him to say black.
Severus rolled his eyes a little.
"Blue." Severus answered.
"Really? Why?" Harry asked, setting his cup down on the table and leaning forward.
Severus smirked.
"Do I need to have a reason to enjoy a color?" Severus asked.
Harry looked into his cup in thought. Then shrugged.
"I suppose not."
"Why did you hate green?" Severus asked.
Harry's shoulders dropped a little and he took a deep breath.
Severus felt a little bad. He'd meant to keep the conversation light to start but the boy had brought up his own childhood. Hopefully, he would learn something.
Harry bit his lip for a moment.
"My whole life I've had nightmares." Harry started, his cheeks getting a little red at the admission.
Severus nodded. He kept his face neutral. It wasn't uncommon for anyone to have nightmares. Given what he'd learned about Harry, the nightmares weren't surprising at all.
Harry fiddled with his sleeve a little and kept his face turned down as he continued.
"My aunt told me when I was little that my parents had died in a car accident. I thought that my recurrent nightmare of green light and screaming was the accident. When I came to the wizarding world, I learned that my aunt had lied. In third year…when I was faced with the dementor I could hear the screaming again. There was more to the memory. My parents' voices. The next year Moody…um Crouch performed the unforgivables in class. When I saw the green flash, I understood what the green in my nightmares really was."
"Green was the color of my nightmares. As I got older my only wish was escape and I fell in love with the color green. It was the color of that escape. Something new to look forward to. I wouldn't let that lesson take green away from me again. Turn it into endings again." Harry said softly.
Severus sat there staring at Harry. The story was heartbreaking. He had no idea that the boy had retained any memory of his parents' deaths. That he remembered there last words. He was livid at Petunia for lying to the boy. He admired Harry for his positive outlook though. Green is the color of new beginnings. It was lovely.
He wondered what the right thing was to say in this moment. He himself felt choked up at thinking of Lily's death.
"It's a wonderful outlook on the color green. I'm sorry you have to live with such a painful memory." Severus finally said.
Harry nodded and peaked up through his fringe.
"I'm sorry for your loss professor. I wish I could have taken their place. He was after me, not them." Harry said bitterly.
Severus realized his shields were mostly down. The boy's quick glance had likely exposed a lot more emotion then he'd meant to project. Harry needed lessons in the art of Legilimens. It's something he would have received when he was a lot younger had they been aware. He was practically an empath with the level of magical power he seemed to have.
Severus could only imagine the amount of additional pain living with the ability in an abusive home must have caused.
Severus pulled up his shields and refocused on what the boy had said.
"You are not responsible for your parents' deaths Harry. They loved you and chose to protect you. Just like any parent would do for their child. It's tragic and painful but it's not your fault." Severus tried to console.
Harry just shrugged and reached for his tea.
Severus thought he should probably drink some of his as well. His emotions were feeling a bit scattered at the moment.
He breathed in the herbal smell of the tea and exhaled a deep breath before he took a long drink. He focused on the taste and allowed his mind to settle. It was Potter's turn to ask a question and as much as he expected more questions about Lily, he hoped the next one wasn't. He needed a moment's reprieve.
Harry just sat staring into his cup for a long moment. When he looked at Snape, he could feel the pain and anguish rolling off of him. It was like his eyes were screaming for the pain to stop. Harry could tell the pain was for his mother. He felt it too. He had never gotten to know her, yet he missed her. He wasn't sure how that was even possible.
He felt embarrassed that he could feel the man's emotions. Remus had asked yesterday if he knew he was a natural Legilimens. He hadn't known that was what he was doing until he'd read the rare abilities book. He had grown up being punished for making eye contact. He thought the strange feelings he got from it were normal. He still didn't fully understand the ability. Perhaps the book he'd gotten yesterday on Legilimens would answer his questions.
"It's your turn if you would like to continue." Snape said, breaking Harry out of his thoughts.
Harry startled slightly and looked to the man. His shields were back up and the man seemed mostly blank again. Harry felt grateful. Then he felt guilty for feeling gratitude for that. He knew it was painful to keep heavy shields like that in place.
He thought about what to ask next.
"Why did you become a teacher?" Harry asked.
He figured it was a simple enough question. He had appreciated that Snape had started with simple questions instead of diving into the hard ones right away. He could tell that Snape was hesitant about the conversation as well. So, he could offer the same courtesy.
Snape cleared his throat and tapped his fingers lightly on the side of his cup. He seemed to be considering his words. Harry wondered if he'd accidentally asked a deeper question then he'd meant to.
"The Dark Lord asked me to spy on Albus. I applied for the job of defense against the dark arts. The previous Potions Master was retiring however, and I was asked to take the Potions position. The headmaster also wanted me close so that I could report back what I was learning from my spy role for him." Snape answered staring intensely at his cup.
Harry swallowed hard. He wondered if Snape was such an angry teacher because he'd never really wanted to be one. He'd been forced into the position by two manipulators trying to spy on each other. Harry wondered how Snape had become a spy. He'd ask another time. He was starting to get rather tired.
With that thought his face split into a wide yawn.
"Sorry." he muttered.
Snape just nodded.
"It's your turn." Harry said softly, sipping at his now cool tea.
"How did the Weasley twins learn of your home situation?" Snape asked.
Harry sighed. That was a much more intense question, but one he was willing to answer.
Severus watched as Potter left the kitchen. They'd decided to call it a night after Harry had finished explaining his adventure with a flying car and the twin's intervention.
Severus rubbed his face and sighed. He was thankful Harry had been willing to talk to him. The conversation was a step in the right direction. He was opening up a little. Severus could only hope that it helped.
He stood from the table and realized Harry had left there cups sitting there. He actually smiled a little. Perhaps the conversation had been more helpful than he'd thought. He'd never seen Harry leave any kind of a mess anywhere. His anxiety about anything being dirty or out of place was obvious. However, it seemed that it could be eased when he was feeling more relaxed.
Severus took the cups to the sink and quickly washed them before heading upstairs.
He saw that the lights were still on in Harry's room, so he stepped past and made his way to the bathroom. He stripped off his clothing and stepped into the shower. He stood under the hot spray letting it wash over him. He wished it could wash away the guilt he felt. It had gutted him to hear Harry try and shoulder the guilt of his parents' deaths.
Harry had little to do with their deaths. Yes, he'd been the prophesied child, but he'd had no control over that. He'd also been nothing more than a toddler at the time. Severus on the other hand had personally handed over most of the prophecy to the Dark Lord. The mad man had become obsessed with it.
Severus raked his short nails through his hair. He focused on the sensation and pushed the memories away. He couldn't deal with it right now.
He quickly washed and got out of the shower. He performed a quick brushing spell over his hair and teeth and left the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
The light was still on in Harry's room when he reached his door. He hoped the boy would go to sleep soon. He needed his rest.
Severus stepped into his room and gently shut his door. Tonight had gone better then he expected and he hoped things would continue to improve. He turned out the lights and settled into bed. He closed his eyes and fell into his mind. He walked the dungeon corridors until he found a room he had recently made. It was where he was keeping all of the new memories of Harry. He wanted to keep them separate from his previous thoughts. He was slowly starting to see a clearer picture of the boy.
With his mind sorted, he took slow deep breaths and allowing sleep to claim him.