Chapter 3 Kate

(two weeks later)

"You look nice."

Chakotay entered Kathryn's quarters, his eyes lingering on her as he openly admired her appearance. Her auburn hair was longer, almost shoulder length. She wore it loose in waves, the bronze hi-lights more prominent. She was clad in flattering aqua blue leggings with a matching tunic top and a mid-thigh sleeve-less jacket.

"Thanks." He always made her feel good. "Care to join me for coffee?"

"Sure"

After using the replicator, they sat at the table with steaming mugs. Kathryn sipped slowly from hers, making it last. While she'd rediscovered her passion for the beverage, she was horrified that she'd become overly sensitive to caffeine and could only ingest a cup a day at most to avoid triggering migraines.

"How did your stint in sick bay go?"

She smirked. "Let's just say the Doctor isn't the easiest person to get along with. But I enjoyed assisting him. I actually felt like I accomplished something."

The Doctor had become impatient when she mixed up instruments. But for the most part, she'd been able to follow instructions and accomplish her duties. She'd used the dermal regenerator for cuts and abrasions on several crewman, helped coordinate several physicals, and administered booster shots, as well as monitoring and reassuring injured patients. Her natural compassion had surged within her. She enjoyed feeling useful and planned to return for more duty shifts.

"Glad to hear it."

She eagerly reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Are you going to tell me your idea?" Her foot tapped with excitement.

Two nights ago, he made dinner for them in his quarters. Apparently, this was something they'd done in the past, so they were continuing the tradition. After talking at length about a variety of subjects, he suddenly brightened and claimed he had an idea about a project for her. She was ready to throttle him when he refused to elaborate, claiming he needed to do some homework first.

She was going to punch him if he didn't reveal it now.

He grinned in response. "Yes. How about working with Naomi Wildman?"

She was confused "Isn't she a child?"

"Yes, she is."

"You want me to babysit?"

With the strong focus on technology on the ship, this felt like an inferior position. Yet, given the change in her circumstances, could this be worth exploring? Did she like children? Could working with them be rewarding?

"No. I want you to teach her."

"What? How do you propose I do that? How can I plan lessons? I can't read for more than a few minutes. I'm worthless when it comes to math. What can I possibly teach her that's important for life on a starship?"

"You can listen, can't you? To classical music, to your favorite literature. Remember how animated you became when you were remembering your favorite music and books? You can admire famous paintings and appreciate works of art. You can use the holodeck to experience historical events or works of fiction. You might even be able to discuss simple religion or philosophy."

She laughed in response. It sounded a bit ambitious to her.

"Aren't these subjects equally as important as technology?" Chakotay insisted.

He did have a point.

She was flooded with emotion. Touched that he'd listened to her, that he'd understood what a breakthrough that had been to uncover more of herself. To understand who she was. The fact that he was trying so hard to help her brought tears to her eyes.

"But isn't the Divine Comedy a bit much for a six-year-old? Even a precocious one."

She was having trouble seeing how the curriculum could be adapted. Just one more task she couldn't manage.

"You're right. You'd need to simplify. I'll bet Neelix and Samantha Wildman could advise you since they spend more time with Naomi. You could focus on main themes. Or choose simpler works. Your goal is not to have her memorize books or go into a detailed plot analysis. It's not the accumulation of knowledge to pass exams, it's simply exposing her to the arts."

"And her mother is okay with this?"

Although part of the plan was appealing, she seriously doubted that she could offer Naomi a well-rounded education.

Chakotay nodded. "You wouldn't be replacing her regular studies, only supplementing them. Maybe meeting with her a few times a week. You could still serve in sick bay and wherever else suits you."

She liked those suggestions. Although working with a child made her nervous and she had no curriculum plans, she agreed.

XXXXX

(A few days later)

"I don't understand why I can't call you Captain." Naomi said. Her body language clearly conveyed her discomfort. She slunk in her seat on a chair in the mess hall and stared towards the floor while fidgeting uncomfortably. "That's who you are."

Kate sighed. Everyone was used to this highly competent dynamo that people rallied behind. Who was an expert at quantum mechanics. Who knew the ship inside and out. And they got her instead.

She heard the clatter of dishes from across the room. Glancing over towards Neelix, he offered an encouraging smile.

Kate wanted to relate to the child. "True, I am the captain. But right now, I'm not able to perform those duties."

The young girl's lower lip waivered.

She quickly said, "That doesn't mean I never will. Just right now, at this moment, I can't."

What could Naomi understand? How could she convince her to accept her as she is?

"When you call me captain, it reminds me that I can't do that job. And that makes me sad. Could you call me Kate instead?"

Meeting her gaze, Naomi reluctantly said, "Okay. But it still feels weird." More eagerly, she said, "Neelix told me we were going to learn about Klingon creation myths."

Kate made a mental note to thank the Talaxian for the buildup.

"I thought we could listen to the stories first and then experience a version on the holodeck."

"That sounds fun!"

Kate dug in her bag for a PADD.

The klaxons went off, sounding red alert.

Her heartbeat raced. What was happening? While she was aware that this was an emergency signal, she still wasn't sure what was considered normal on a starship. What was she supposed to do?

Certainly, she'd experienced these alerts in the past weeks. But she'd usually been in sick bay or with Chakotay or someone else who had instructed her. Given her limitations, what was she supposed to? And how could she protect a child?

Perhaps this was a bad idea.

She nervously grabbed the little girl's hand as several crewmen raced out the door.

'What's going on? What do we do?" Kate said, trying to sound calm, consciously attempting to slow her breathing. She was embarrassed by her fear.

Neelix raced over. "What do you do during red alerts, Naomi?"

"Get to safety. Go to my quarters. Or if doors are locked, stay in the room with an adult, if possible. Or out of sight. That's my job, my mom says."

"Why don't you take Kate with you to your quarters?"

She offered her hand. "Come with me. We'll be safe."

Kate felt terrible that a six-year-old was leading her.

XXXXX

(A few weeks later)

"Naomi, you have to finish cleaning your room before you can join Kate."

"Mom!"

"It won't take long. We all have responsibilities." After her daughter dashed into her room, Samantha turned towards Kate. "I can't tell you how much Naomi has been enjoying working with you."

"She's a pleasure."

Kate meant it. She loved the child's fresh approach to life and her novel ideas. They'd started their studies listening to fairy tales and fables from different cultures, and then they discussed what they learned about the cultures. Kate had even convinced Neelix and Chakotay to stop by and share stories from their traditions.

Next, they were going to explore art and music. Tuvok was pushing Vulcan opera, but she had other ideas.

"I was wondering if you'd be okay taking Naomi with the next landing party that brings the biologists," Samantha asked.

Kate had been working with that group, focusing on descriptive data that could be easily dictated, classifying plant and animal samples. Chakotay had also been subtly pushing for her to attempt this type of excursion. She suspected he'd put Samantha up to this.

Her feelings were mixed.

On the one hand, all she was aware of was life on the ship. While the holodeck provided realistic simulations, ultimately those scenarios were not real. How would authentic sunshine feel on her face? The wind in her hair?

It sounded both exhilarating and frightening.

How would those variables affect her headaches which were triggered by a multitude of factors? If a threat was present, would her delayed reactions allow her to evade it?

Then add the responsibility for a child on top of that?

Kate put her off. "I'll see what I can do."

Samantha suggested. "Naomi's very interested in plants. She also mentioned she might like to plant a garden on the ship. At one point we had one in the aeroponics bay, but it hasn't been well maintained since Kes left."

Kate wondered if she had any talent for gardening. Didn't Tuvok tell her that her parents came from a farm in Indiana?

She was willing to explore that option. Perhaps she and Naomi could provide more appealing fruits and vegetables for the crew.

XXXX

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Tom tilted his chin towards another couple. "They've become awfully chummy."

"Uh-huh." B'Elanna nearly growled, trying to focus on her food.

The Captain and Chakotay were having lunch together a few tables over. It was becoming a common sight. Since she'd decided to ditch her uniform and work in different venues, she was no longer depressed. Although she still looked tired, she was blossoming. The change in her outward appearance was stunning. With a smile on her face, she practically glowed.

B'Elanna suspected there was more to the Captain's newly found contentment. Although their table in the mess hall was across the room, B'Elanna and Tom could clearly hear their occasional laughter. They could see how the two gazed into each other's eyes and occasionally held hands. While they'd flirted over the years with subtle glances and casual banter, this brazen display suggested that it had advanced several stages.

"It's nice to see her happy. This experience has been difficult for her."

"I don't know, Tom. Not wearing her uniform? Insisting that we call her Kate? Does that sound like Captain Janeway? It's just a bit odd. I'm worried she's losing herself."

The Captain Janeway she knew and loved would never have been content tutoring Naomi Wildman or acting as an assistant in sick bay.

"C'mon, in a way, she already did. And like the Doc said, barring new insight or technological advances, at this point we don't know if she'll improve any further. Her progress seems to have plateaued. She's moving forward with her life as best she can. Cut her a break."

B'Elanna considered this. "I suppose." Sadly, she added. "I miss the Captain."

Captain Janeway had been such a strong presence, inspiring hope and confidence. It had meant so much to B'Elanna that the Captain had believed in her. Not that Chakotay was doing a poor job in that position. She missed their technical discussions and Kathryn's bright mind. She found it difficult to have a conversation with this version of Janeway.

"We all do. But remember, she's still here."

Pupils focused on Chakotay and the Captain, B'Elanna said, "It still makes me nervous."

"Why? Those two have always had something special between them. Remember when they were isolated on that planet for a few months? And who knows what the two of them did behind closed doors before her accident? Maybe after all she's been through, they've decided to go public."

While she sincerely hoped that was the case, she knew Chakotay. Based on the interactions she observed between the Captain and Chakotay prior to the accident, it didn't ring true to her.

"I don't want Chakotay to get hurt."

Her friend had worn his heart on his sleeve for so long it was almost comical. It would destroy him if the Captain's memory fully returned one day and she were to hold him at arms' length again.

"They're adults. They'll figure it out." Tom assured her. "Let them have this. Let them be happy."

XXXXX

(A few weeks later)

Dinner together had gone from once a week to two or three times, circumstances permitting. After a disastrous attempt with the replicator, Kate had gladly ceded the cooking duties to Chakotay. He was always generous with his replicator rations. They even started sharing a single dessert, with the justification that they were conserving rations to use for future meals.

She sank on to the couch in his quarters, propping her feet on the coffee table. He joined her, with two glasses of antarian brandy in hand.

"Is this safe for you?" He asked.

She sighed, tired of having to be so careful. All the daily medications and still so many things triggered headaches. "We'll see." She took a generous sip as he settled beside her.

Finally, she was feeling like a whole person, not some pathetic husk. Even though her personal memories had not yet returned, huge chunks of her working knowledge were finally accessible to her. When she was up for it, she was feeling fulfilled working in sick bay and with the biologists. She especially looked forward to the time she spent with Naomi Wildman.

Even though nearly four months had passed since her injury, many of the crew were struggling to accept her as Kate. When she paused to speak with them, she could see confusion or pity in their eyes. While she understood that they cared about her, they still had issues interacting with her on these new terms.

Yet several people, such as Samantha, Naomi, Neelix, and the biologists, had embraced this new version of her. They valued her for who she was now. She was thrilled to no longer feel like damaged goods.

Chakotay always made her feel valued.

She studied him, her eyes lingering on his firm jawline and bronzed skin.

She would never have reached this point without his steady support. Even during the darkest times, when she was deeply discouraged, he'd been there to encourage her. To make suggestions. And many times, just to listen.

Did these strong feelings she had towards him result from gratitude? Or simply from the amount of time they'd spent together? Despite constant demands on his time, he always made an effort to keep up with her. She felt something within her had recognized that she could trust him, even when she barely recognized her own name.

Had there been more to their past relationship than Chakotay alluded to?

Had they been more than close friends?

She nestled closer to him, leaning against his shoulder. He didn't object.

He seemed distracted.

"Where'd you go?" She asked.

"Nowhere, just thinking."

"About what?" She leaned closer, enjoying his scent of soap and sandalwood. Impulsively, she pulled his head closer so she could kiss him.

He eagerly returned the kiss. Then he abruptly pulled back.

Kate's brow furrowed. "Chakotay, what am I missing? I feel like you're holding back on me. Were we a couple before my accident? You said we were continuing the weekly dinners we used to have, with candles and soft music. You're always there holding my hand when I'm in sick bay. Were we something before all this happened? Have you been giving me a chance to learn how to love you on these new terms?"

Not that she'd had any clear-cut memories of him. The moment she saw him in sick bay, something within her had responded. Instinctively she'd known that she was safe with him.

And this sounded like something he would do.

He couldn't meet her eyes. "No, we…were never together that way."

From his subdued tone and the set of his shoulders, she could tell that disappointed him.

"No. I can't accept that. That doesn't make sense. I know you care about me."

Then it came to her.

Maybe he didn't care about her. Was he rejecting her advances because she was the inferior version of the original Captain Janeway? That he loved Kathryn more than Kate?

"You want her instead of me." She was ashamed that tears came to her eyes and choked her throat.

Horrified, he blurted out. "No! That's not true. Kathryn, you know I love you either way. They're both you."

Considering that he was the only one who stubbornly insisted upon calling her Kathryn, she knew that he honestly believed that.

"Then why were you holding back?" She leaned closer, pressing against his chest.

"You weren't interested."

"What? Are you kidding? I find that hard to believe. Why not?"

He made a half-hearted attempt to edge away from her, but she climbed onto his lap and grabbed his shoulder to anchor him in place.

"I could make some educated guesses, but I honestly don't know for certain. You seemed interested but over the past few years, you pulled away."

She burrowed closer to him. Tilting her head, she pulled him nearer to brush her lips against his. He made a feeble attempt to resist, but his heart wasn't in it.

When they broke apart, he said, "You wouldn't be comfortable with this."

For Kate, that was becoming a moot point.

"You mean the old me. She's not here. I am. And like you said, I am her." She playfully kissed his nose. "Has the Doctor ever indicated that I'm so damaged mentally that I'm incapable of making my own decisions?"

"No. Of course not."

"That's right. I'm perfectly competent. I know what I want."

Rather aggressively, she stood, yanking his hand to lead him to the bedroom. Then she methodically removed his jacket and pushed him onto the bed so she could yank off his boots. He helped her with the rest.

XXXXX

Kate stirred, sensing Chakotay turning in bed. Feeling warm and comfortable pressed against him, she was about to drift off when he shifted positions again.

Turning to lean against his shoulder, she asked, "Are you okay?"

When he didn't respond immediately, she added. "What's wrong? Did I do something you didn't like?"

Making love with him had been as wonderful as she'd expected. From his responses, she thought he'd enjoyed it as well. Would she always be second guessing herself? Judging from the stories of the fearless Captain Janeway, she doubted her alter ego did. This annoying attribute was unique to Kate.

"No, not at all. That's not it." He turned to face her and reassure her.

"Are you okay with me staying here?" She didn't want to return to her empty quarters. "I can leave if you want me to."

"No. Don't go. I want you here." He settled his palm on her hip. Then he took a breath. "I just worry that we're moving too fast. You've been through so many changes. I don't want to make things any harder for you."

"I know. But you're not. I appreciate what you're saying but that doesn't change the way I feel about you." More confidently, she added. "Or the way you feel about me."

"I'm…just concerned that if…when we're able to restore your memory, that you might interpret this wrong. That you might feel I took advantage of you."

"Why would Kathryn assume that?"

She couldn't help but refer to her former self in the third person. For the idea of Kathryn was that abstract to her.

"Besides, if the Doctor is ever able to restore my memories, won't she share my memories? Since I am her."

"You're probably right." He buried his face in her hair, and they drifted back to sleep.