It was Wednesday morning. Eddie woke up to his 6AM alarm screeching at him. He reached over to his bedside table, switching off the relentless beeping noise on his phone. He sighed as he yawned.
His hand instinctively stroked the empty side of the bed where Rachel would usually be. He had spent every night of the last week in hope that maybe she would change her mind in the middle of the night and he would wake up with her curled into his side. It hadn't happened yet. Eddie wasn't sure if it ever would.
Today was a big day. It was the first day back at Waterloo Road, following the death of Maxine. Lessons were back on as usual. The Governors were also coming in for a meeting, to discuss the events of the previous week. Eddie probably wouldn't have been so nervous if he wasn't still in the role of Acting Head in Rachel's absence. He was slowly getting to grips with the role and what it entailed. He was getting used to the paperwork too. But he hadn't hosted a Governors meeting or done a proper school day in his new, temporary role. If he was honest, he missed having Rachel by his side. This was her job, not his. They worked best together, as a team. He was nothing without her. Personally and professionally.
Once he'd showered and changed into a shirt, trousers and a blazer, he headed downstairs.
He stopped dead in the kitchen doorway. The sight before him had taken him by surprise.
Rachel was sat at the kitchen table, typing away on her laptop. She was wearing a casual, yet smart, black dress, tights and a black cardigan. Her hair was brushed, and she had even applied makeup. Eddie would have assumed she was feeling better, if he hadn't seen the bin sat very close by on the chair next to her. That and her pale complexion. Makeup couldn't hide everything.
Eddie couldn't deny it; he was a little taken aback seeing her sat there. Just a few hours ago, he had sat with her as she had calmed herself down from yet another nightmare. He had held her hair back as she had, once again, vomited. He'd expected her to be asleep right now, or at least resting in bed. He would have been ok with her being up and ready to go to work, if she was feeling better. But, judging from her pale complexion and the bin next to her, it was clear that she wasn't.
Getting over his shock, he walked casually over to her, placing a soft kiss in her hair. To his relief, she didn't flinch, but she also didn't react in any other way either. Her eyes remained glued to her laptop.
"Morning, darling" he whispered
"Morning" she replied simply, continuing to type
"How are you feeling?" he asked tentatively
"Better. I'm ready for the first day back. You'll have to catch me up on everything though" she answered
"Not a problem. Are you sure you're well enough?" he questioned
He chose to ignore her less than subtle eye roll.
"I'm fine. I can't be off work forever. And the Governors are coming today" she huffed, standing up to grab something out of the printer
"I know- it's just... you're still not well, Rach. You need to rest" he sighed, switching on the kettle
"I'm fine" she repeated, sitting back down
Eddie nodded, unconvinced.
"Do you want anything for breakfast?" he asked, putting some bread into the toaster for himself
Rachel shook her head, sipping on a glass of water.
Once his toast and coffee was ready, he left the kitchen. The smell of bread still had the power to make Rachel sick and he didn't want to take any chances. It also seemed that, once again, she wasn't in the mood for conversation.
As he headed into the living room, he paused. The answer machine on the phone was flashing. Eddie frowned. There hadn't been any messages yesterday.
He picked up the phone, pressing the answer machine button to hear the message:
"Hello, this is a message for Rachel Mason. My name is Louise. I'm calling from Rochdale Counselling Service. I'm contacting you, Rachel, as you are on our waiting list. I'd like to schedule our first session. If you could call me back on this number and we can arrange a day and time that would suit you. Thank you, bye"
Eddie put the phone down. If he was honest, he had completely forgotten that Rachel was on a waiting list for counselling. He had been the one to persuade her to give it a go. He was a little relieved. Maybe it was coming at the right time.
He left his toast and coffee in the living room, heading back into the kitchen. He knew if he didn't tell Rachel now, he'd forget.
"Rach?"
She looked at him expectantly.
"There's a message for you on the home phone. It's a lady from the counselling service. She wants you to call her back and arrange a time for your first session" he explained
Rachel sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat. The thought of going for counselling, especially right now, made her feel sick. When she'd referred herself a couple of months ago, she'd been told the waiting list was quite long. She'd hoped it was so long that she'd never be contacted.
"I don't want them" she mumbled, refusing to make eye contact with him
"Rach, come on. You said you'd give it a try" Eddie reasoned
"That was two months ago" she grumbled
Eddie sighed.
"Rach, it's ok. You're scared, I get it. But you need this, it'll help you"
She glared at him.
"No, it won't" she snapped, biting her lip to stop the tears from forming in her eyes
"You don't know unless you try. Look, I'll come to the first appointment with you; you don't have to go on your own. We can do it together"
"I don't want to" she whispered tearfully
"Rach," he sighed, placing his hands on her forearms
"NO, EDDIE! I DON'T WANT TO!" she screamed, pushing him off her
Before Eddie could even react, Rachel was running over to the sink. She only just made it, coughing and retching. Eddie was by her side in seconds, holding her hair back for her.
After a few minutes, it stopped. Rachel clung onto the sink, swaying gently on her feet. Eddie let go of her hair.
"It's ok" he soothed, his hand moving to rest on the small of her back
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she yelled, abruptly pushing his hand off her back
Eddie immediately retreated a few steps back. He watched helplessly as Rachel put a hand to her head, a silent sob escaping her lips.
It was at that moment that Philip walked in. He had heard Rachel yelling from upstairs.
The tension in the kitchen was enough to suffocate him. He knew something was off between Rachel and Eddie; things had been awkward for the last week. He thought they would get through it. They were, or seemed to be, a strong couple who loved one another. He was beginning to wonder now if he was wrong. Because right now, it only seemed to be getting worse.
"Is... everything ok?" he asked, breaking the silence
Rachel glanced at Eddie wearily before turning away from him. She walked out of the kitchen, squeezing Philip's shoulder gently on her way out. Eddie heard her footsteps moving up the stairs. He flinched as the bathroom door slammed, followed by the sound of retching. He closed his eyes, sighing deeply as he put his head in his hands.
"What's going on?" Philip questioned
Eddie wanted to tell Philip everything was fine, that there was nothing to worry about. But how could he? Nothing was ok; Philip could see that for himself. There was no point even trying to lie to him.
Rather than answering, he turned on the tap, grabbing a fresh glass and filling it with water. He planned to take it up to Rachel.
"Eddie?" Philip prompted
"I'm sorting it, mate. Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine" Eddie reassured, exiting the kitchen
Glass of water in hand, he dashed up the stairs, approaching the bathroom door nervously. He knocked gently, sighing when there was no answer.
"Rach?" he called, knocking again
Eddie heard a small sniffle coming from the other side of the door, followed by silence. He was taking it as a good sign that she hadn't told him to go away just yet.
He contemplated the idea of maybe going back down to the kitchen to give her some space. Maybe she would talk to him once she'd calmed down. But, he'd done that so much over the past week, just left her to calm down, and she'd never opened up to him. Leaving her to calm down was just giving her the opportunity to shut him out even more. They needed to talk.
He pushed on the door handle, sighing in relief when the door opened with ease. Slowly, he stepped inside, shutting the door with his foot. His eyes scanned over the bathroom. He sighed heavily when he saw Rachel sat in the corner, hugging her knees to her chest as she sobbed. She glanced at him briefly before returning her gaze to the bathroom floor.
"I got you some water" he said, handing it to her
"Thank you" she mumbled
Once she'd taken a sip, the nausea returned. Rachel shot up, heaving and retching into the toilet bowl again. Eddie watched on helplessly, sighing in relief when she sat back against the cool tiles.
He moved towards her, sliding down the wall so he was sitting beside her. It took everything in him to refrain from instinctively pulling her into his arms. Instead, he held out his arms for her. To his surprise, she sank into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He sighed silently in relief, wrapping his arms around tightly, stroking her hair as she wept.
"Tell me what's wrong, love" he pleaded softly
Rachel shook her head, wriggling out of his embrace. Eddie sighed deeply, his own insecurities about Rachel having fallen out of love with him resurfacing.
"Have I done something to upset you?" he asked
Rachel shook her head again, wiping her eyes with a tissue.
Eddie thought for a moment. Only one question came to mind, and he didn't want to ask her it. Partially because he knew she may react in a negative way, and also because he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. But he needed to know.
"Rach, do you want to keep the baby?"
Rachel's head shot up, her eyes locking with his. She stared at him, a look of hurt and disbelief spread across her face.
"Of course I do! How can you even ask me that?" she snapped
"Ok... then tell me what's wrong?" he responded calmly, placing a hand on her arm
Rachel looked away from him again, more tears rolling down her cheeks. Eddie's concern only increased.
"Rach, please? I'm worried about you! Just talk to me!" he pleaded
Rachel sniffled, turning her head to look at him again. Eddie gave her a reassuring smile.
"I don't deserve it" she blurted
"You don't deserve what, love?" Eddie questioned, frowning
"To have a baby. I don't deserve to be a Mum, or to be happy. I don't deserve any of it" she whispered
Eddie immediately understood this was all in connection with what had happened to Maxine. He didn't even need to ask.
"Rach, listen to me. What happened to Maxine was not your fault. You weren't the one who pulled that trigger. Earl did that" he reasoned
Rachel shook her head to let him know she didn't agree with him. She was too tired to argue with him about all of this again. Maxine's death was her fault. All of this was her fault. Eddie didn't understand and she was fed up of trying to explain, because they just went round in circles every time.
"It will get better, Rach. I promise" he reassured
Rachel found herself uncontrollably glaring at him. How could he say that? A student was dead because of her! Earl Kelly was in prison, she was pregnant, and Steph hated her. She had failed as a Head Teacher. It was never going to get better!
"You don't understand. How can you?" she huffed, standing up
Eddie frowned, standing up too. He was taken aback by her sudden change in demeanour.
"Then help me to understand, Rach"
"Just forget it" she told him
"No, Rach. You say I don't understand, but you're not explaining it to me!" he argued
Rachel shook her head, storming out of the bathroom. Eddie followed, practically chasing her down the stairs.
"Rach, stop! We need to talk about this!" he begged, watching as she put on her coat and picked up her bag
"Leave me alone, Eddie" she mumbled, slipping on her shoes
"No, Rach! We need to talk!" he shot back, desperately trying to control the anger in his voice
"I don't want to" she replied, her lip trembling violently
She groaned as Eddie blocked her path to the front door. He was glaring at her, but she could see the concern in his eyes. She was just wanted him to leave her alone, to back off and give her some space. She didn't deserve his pity, concern or comfort, even if she did crave it.
"Let me pass, please" she requested calmly
"No, because I don't know where you're going!" Eddie argued
Rachel scoffed.
"I'm going to work! It's my first day back; we have a meeting with the Governors. I need to catch up and prepare!"
"Ok, let me drive you then" he offered, grabbing his bag and keys
"I am more than capable of driving myself" she told him plainly
"And we work together, Rach! You're not well enough to drive, so we're going in my car" he insisted
"No, we're not! Will you just BACK OFF?!" she cried
She pushed past him, yanking the front door open and running out to her car. She clambered into her Audi TT, slamming the door behind her as she started the car. There was only one solution to partially fix this mess. If she was going to do it, she needed to do it today.
Eddie watched as she drove away, running a hand through his hair as he groaned in frustration. He'd tried to make it better, but it seemed he'd only made it worse.
He headed back into the house, closing the front door and leaning against it as he sighed. What now?
Philip poked his head round the kitchen door, smiling weakly at Eddie.
"Everything ok?" he asked
"She's gone, mate" Eddie sighed
Philip nodded awkwardly.
"I, uhm- think you should see this" he added, handing Eddie a folded up piece of paper
"What is it?" Eddie frowned, taking the paper off him
"It was open on the table. I didn't mean to look, but..." Philip explained hesitantly
Eddie's eyes skimmed over the document. His heart plummeted at the contents of the letter, which had been addressed to the Governors and the LEA. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her now.
"Will you be ok getting to school?" Eddie asked, picking up his bag and keys
Philip nodded.
"I'll see you later" Eddie told him
With that, he shot out of the door, jumping into his car and pulling out of the drive.