About Harry

by Scribbling Aloud

Do we really want to believe that our dear Harry after: serious lack of love during infancy, death threaths as if no tomorrow, traumatising losses left right and center, can actually get a carefree and happy life! PTSD just like rain if you ask me. This is a trilogy where we'll find out about his life and struggles 19 years later (where he has been left by J.K.R.)

151. Harry - long end

Harry

(long end)

It's weeks we are already here. I'm writing this because Ted advised me to keep a daily journal as a mean to help my memory. It tends to be unreliable time to time, and this may help to fix it.
He is calling every day to check how I am doing and is giving me tons of advice. He is moving in Grimmauld place with Victoire. Finding out what I had done, he called quite upset, I told him that I'm his godfather and I get to decide what it's best for him. He laughed and from then on didn't oppose any longer. He didn't mention Lupin's memories but, for once, it was me reading through him and I knew he was grateful.
Luna is calling often too. Her pregnancy is going well, a boy apparently. She apologised for having no intention of calling him like me despite being quite the fashion in England, she said is too common and slightly overrated. I totally agree with her. She seems concerned about my wellbeing too and advised me to find a woman to spend my nights pleasantly when Siry is asleep. I told her I don't want any woman.
She suggested to try with a man.
Now, Ted can say whatever he wants about her "insight", to me she is just bizarre.
She also got a puppy for George because, she revealed to me, when to his place she got the feeling, he was a bit lonely.
George didn't take it well. He is raging like mad everyday calling her nosey and complaining about this molest muggle's pet following him everywhere and threatening to abandon it in Regent's Park at the first chance he gets.
And yet already a month passed by, and the dog is still there. Molly and Arthur confided me chuckling that it follows him even to the toilet, if left outside it does such a racket that George is forced to open the door to let it in.
I'm glad of them calling so often, it's something that force me to stamp a smile on my face and it breaks monotony. Otherwise, my life here is quite empty having nothing to do all day long.
The house is amazing. Probably too big as it's only me and Siry but she loves it as I do. I know it was the one at first sight and I got it straight away scarcely giving a glance to the inside. I don't know why it reminded me forcingly of Ginny and Lily, like if I have been here before with them despite absolutely impossible considering we have never travelled to this place for our holidays. I wonder why it feels so.
It's right on the beach, surrounded by greenery and it has got a beautiful porch in front where I hanged a hammock. Me and Siry spend a long time swinging on it. She likes it very much.
At dawn before she wakes up, I go out to run and do my workout.
When I got here, I wasn't doing it as I didn't want to leave Siry alone in the house, but every morning I struggled to get out of bed, as I never sleep properly, and it was very easy to slip into apathy and do scarcely anything all day long. She was whimpering all the time. Ted, reading my mind and my expressions as usual, suggested it to me. I followed his suggestion (unlike Luna's one obviously) and it is helping me much; I feel always better afterwards.
I don't particularly relish in the idea of leaving Siry by herself, I always stay in view of the house and I try to be as quick as possible but I allow myself to take a swim before to get back and the water is so beautiful and crystalline does me some good. It gives me the energy necessary to affront the day and my morning tasks.
While I prepare breakfast for Siry I always take a family picture and I do some memory training. I strive to remember as many details as I possibly can. I start saying birthday and age of everybody. I repeat to myself James and Albus' hobbies, friends' names and whatever I can, then I continue naming every member of the Weasley family and I try to remember something new. I always leave Ginny and Lily for last because I want to give them more time. I don't want to forget them again. So, I struggle to remember everything I can. Sometimes I get so many details is quite staggering, sometimes I find myself not remembering the sound of their voices or some of their expressions. I don't know which one is worst. I'm always very careful to do all this while Siry is sleeping, I don't want her to get upset.
When a new memory pops in my mind, I take it out and I store it in a small bottle. I bought a pensive so to be sure that nothing gets lost. I never watch them, but I store them up for Siry. She may want to peruse them when she'll grow up. I still didn't decide how much and what to tell her about me and our situation; I don't even know if I will be able to do it. I haven't been that good in handling the situation with Albus and James that's why the memories. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
When she wakes up, we get our breakfast with the family picture close by and I tell her about them. I don't want her to forget Ginny and I want her to know something about Lily. We call it "family time".
For the rest of the day, we don't do much, I make her play on the beach, I read to her some children books, we swing on the hammock and occasionally we go to the village.
I didn't make any acquaintance there. Everybody is very nice, and we are looked upon with some curiosity, but their English is not good enough to have a proper conversation and I'm not that willing to say too much about myself anyway. I prefer to remain in the shadow. They only know I'm a widower and I know they enjoy very much in making conjectures and gossips. I let them do it. I don't mind.
In England everybody is doing the same. George said tons of voices are starting to circulate about my disappearance. Some of them are truly preposterous. He gave his contribution and spread some of the most ridiculous for the mere fun of it. Again, I don't mind as I don't think I'll return. Not for a long while at least.
The situation is only going to worsen anyway as Hermione got into her head to write some books about Hogwarts' time. Seven she says, one for every school year. I've always been strongly against the project when in London. But now that I'm here I don't care. Sometimes I ship her some of my memories to help in the project, I always put a present also, something nice from here, sometime sand or if I find some nice shells on the beach, or some dried flowers, there are some amazing colourful ones in here, Siry always make some quite postmodernist drawings to add.
Hermione ships them back when she is done together with a letter and, more often than not, books. To keep up with all she sent me I should read in my sleep too.
She got the divorce quite easily apparently. Ron didn't dare to make too much opposition, but he is scarcely talking to her and hates me virulently imputing to me the fault of it. Perhaps he is right, I don't know. Anyway, chances of me being able to visit the Burrow in future for any holiday are very thin, basically non-existent. He states at every possible occasion that if I as much as set my foot one hundred feet from it I'll regret it. Neville told me that much, he was very sorry. He tried to intercede on my behalf for Christmas but clearly it is not going to happen. I knew it already, but it was nice of him to try anyway.
Ron doesn't live far from Hermione which is good for the kids but probably not that good for her. We all know Ron. She should move back to England; she is not happy there.
I truly hope she'll meet a good man one day that will love her as she deserves to be loved. I cannot be that person unfortunately.
We are not hearing from each other very often anyhow. What happened to my place changed our friendship completely. It is still as strong as ever; stronger on my part I dare say, but I feel I need to erect some sort of boundaries for her own good. I cannot treat her with the same lightness as before, I must keep some distance.
Sometimes I wonder if I took the right choice in coming here. My spirit is no high and I'm struggling against depression every day, I strive every morning to wake up and not to let slip my mind into dark reveries. Often, without apparent reason, I feel a panic attack creeping on me. Ted and Hermione explained to me what it is and taught me how to handle them, but I still feel like dying or losing my mind every time. Siry is very affected and there is nothing I can do to stop them happening.
I miss Ginny dreadfully, day and overall night. I barely manage to sleep more than a couple of hours consecutive per night because when I do, I'm often assailed by horrible nightmares of Ginny being tortured and raped, of her lying on the floor of that house covered with blood. They tend to be so intense even Siry wakes up with hysteric fits. I truly hope she doesn't see what I see but I fear she might, so I cannot sleep properly.
My mind is full of Ginny in every instant racking me to pieces. She is the core of each of my thought, of my feelings and of my soul and I would give anything to have her back. Nowadays life for me is a never-ending battle where I fight not to slip in that searing sorrow that threatens me every day. Seeing Siry happy is my priority though, it's what pushes me never to give in to gloom and yet, since we got here, she lost much of her cheerfulness, she is much more sombre and less chatty. I'm truly doing my best but doesn't matter how hard I try, I cannot improve the situation.
There is also something bizarre, she is having dreams and I don't know what to make of them. Like for example the first time that happened she really shocked me.
She began saying she had one. A sentence that always fills me with dread. Her dreams cannot be treated lightly, and I don't know if I can bear any other distress.
'There was mummy' she told me.
'Mummy?' I repeated puzzled. Dreaming about the future it seems unlikely to meet a person who cannot be part of it.
'Yes daddy. Mummy and Lily' she affirmed assured.
I felt all my guts flipping.
She started an unbelievable tale where she had played with Lily and a rabbit plush (how could she fucking know that Lily's plush had that shape? A picture maybe? I need to check that out). Being as it may, she loved her, she said that she is very nice and, apparently, she liked her hair.
'What about mummy?' I asked her.
'She hugged me!' she chirped joyfully.
I didn't know what to think, her dreams are never only dreams. But then she startled me.
'She told me to hug you too' she said and threw her short arms around my neck, hugging me tightly and I don't know if it was my imagination playing me a trick or it was indeed real, but I got a whiff of Ginny's smell, and it gave me such a piercing pain that Siry faltered.
I got a grip over myself perceiving it and I forced my mind and my face back in a smile.
I thought about it the whole day. It happened a few other times. And she was always giving me short messages, kisses or hugs. I tried to enquire better into the matter, but her English is too poor, or her mind too young to give a proper meaning to it. I have also the feeling that sometimes the massages she tried to convey are uncomplete or translated in baby talk, not that accurate.
I would give everything to have the power to be there too but, unfortunately, she has plenty of access to mine, but it is not the other way round.
Sometime, when I cannot sleep, I go to her room, and I whisper in her ear a massage for Ginny just in case she may be dreaming of her, and my message can be conveyed through some strange means.
But perhaps it's only my longing that makes me build up over what probably are only normal dreams of a child who lost her mother. I have no idea.
I wonder when I'll start to feel better. I don't see how that can be achieved.

---

I didn't do anything special today. I've been to the beach with Sunrise a couple of hours, and we swinged on the hammock a bit. A neighbour brought me a present of food. I thanked him and then I threw everything in the bin. I don't trust food I didn't cook personally.
Siry whimpered most of the morning, better in the afternoon.

---

Today basically the same as yesterday. We have been to the village for some grocery. Some people tried to start a chat, but I cut it off. I don't want people to know too much about me. Siry whimpered most of the evening.

---

Same as yesterday minus the village. A hooker came to my door an hour ago with quite explicit intentions. It's not the first time. I turned her away; I am not in the mood, and I don't trust anybody inside my place. Especially a woman.
Siry whimpered non-stop basically the whole day. I bought her a toy, but it didn't improve the situation much.

---

What the fuck! I still cannot believe what happened today!
In the morning Siry was in a strangely excited mood while we were having breakfast.
'I had a dream daddy. Giny coming'
'Ginny?' I asked startled.
'Yes daddy, Giny'
I halted my eating and I looked at her while she was smearing her entire face with the yogurt that was supposed to go inside her mouth.
'That's not possible, sweetie' I said hardening while cleaning her face. This time it couldn't be other than a dream. In no possible way Ginny can come and knock at our door. Doesn't matter how much we wish for it.
'Giny coming. I dream' she said waving her teaspoon accusingly under my nose.
'You meant, "I dreamt", sweetie?' I corrected her wistfully throwing away my breakfast as hunger was totally gone.
'I dreamt' she repeated assured.
After that, she spent her day in front of the door in waiting making my heart sank every time I glanced in her direction. I tried to take her away from there, but she started to scream tantrum like every time, so I gave up.
One can imagine my surprise when I heard a knock at the door.
Siry shrilled excited and I found myself paralysed. Upon the second knock I lunged there, my heart hammering like crazy.
There wasn't any Ginny outside the door, obviously. But there was somebody. Nonetheless than Regina.
Regina for god's bloody sake! Bold as brass on my doorstep!
Regina, with her usual non-existent outfit, cherry glossed lips, shiny hair, sunglasses on her head and a huge luggage just behind her.
Before I could say anything, Siry was flying in her arms shrilling 'Gina!'
And then I understood. It was bloody Gina not Ginny. The vexation helped me not to feel the disappointment.
'What the heck are you doing here?' I bellowed while she was covering Siry's face with kisses (remarkably not living any lipstick's marks) making her laugh joyfully.
She looked up totally unperturbed with a sly smile 'I wanted to stay with you.'
'That doesn't mean I want to stay with you!'
I know, a bit harsh but bloody hell! She followed me to the other side of the planet!
However, she wasn't daunted in the least.
'Don't worry, I'm not going to be a burden! I saved some money; you won't need to advance not even a sickle. I can buy my own food and everything. I can even chip in with bills!'
I swear to god this girl is unbelievable.
'It's not a matter of money' I hissed 'You cannot stay here!'
'Why?' she asked nonplussed 'Have you got a woman in there?'
While all this was happening, she had managed to untangle herself from Siry who was chatting away happily, pulling her inside the house. I was still transfixed on the threshold.
'No! I haven't got any woman in here and I don't want one'
'Oh, goody!' she thrilled cheerfully 'So it's all settled then! Sunny is happy to have me here, don't you dolly?' she addressed Siry with a sweet voice.
'Yes, Gina! Come see my room!' she thrilled excited pulling her bossily into the house.
Well, what could I do? I certainly couldn't send her back after such a long trip.
And Siry seems so happy…
She followed me to the other side of the planet after all…

---

At dinner I was still a bit grumpy by her forced intrusion in my life.
Regina and Siry were, however, in a girly screaming, shrilling, chatting world of their own and I must say I was delighted to hear Siry laugh once again.
'Don't put any strange ideas into your head!' I warned her as soon the shrills gave way in favour of the eating 'You can stay for the time being, but you'll go back at the first chance we get. You don't belong here'
'I belong wherever you are' she said matter of fact eating her meal eagerly.
I took a big breath. There must be a limit to groupies' devotion for god's sake!
'Haven't you got a boyfriend? Don't you have a job? You must stay in England. You belong there, not here far from everybody. There is no reason for you to stay'
'There is every reason for me to stay. I haven't got a boyfriend; I don't want one. I quitted my job and the only person I was far from it was you. You and Ginny were the people I care most'
I couldn't make a decent retort. I know the girl's past, she hasn't any family over there. I know she got very fond of us.
'Still, you'll go back at the first chance'
'Where do I sleep?' she asked brightly, totally ignoring my comment.
'With me!' Siry chirped with a twinkling in her eyes.
'No, not with you.' I said severe. I don't want Siry to get used to her presence since she will go away soon. I turned to Regina 'Pick a room, make it yours, there are plenty.' I said collecting dirty dishes.
'Thank you, Harry.' She beamed flinging from the chair to throw her arms around my neck, climbing on me to stamp a kiss on my cheek making me almost drop the dirty plates I was carrying 'I love you!'
'Yeah, I know…' I said shrugging her off.

Bloody whippersnapper.

---

This girl is unbelievable!
I was putting Siry to sleep (she always wants a bedtime story, therefore it takes me a bit), when I was done and I was heading to my room preparing mentally for my usual sleepless night, I found Regina there, in her nightie, ready for the night, installing all her clothes in my wardrobe.
'What are you doing here?'
'You said I could choose any room. I chose this one'
'This is my room. Go and pick another one'
'It's because it's your room that I picked it. I don't want to sleep by myself'
This girl will make me go nuts, I swear.
'There is no way I'm going to share my room with you' I hissed but she was already slipping in bed nonchalantly.
'Goodnight' she said turning off the light and nestling in my bed.
I was speechless, honestly… But what could I do? Drag her out of it?
I went on the porch, and I installed myself in the hammock. It was a beautiful starry night anyway and the breeze was perfect.
I swinged myself lazily thinking about Ginny. I try not to while Siry is awake but at night time it gets very difficult to keep her out of my mind. That doesn't help my dozing.
I think I spent one or two hours there observing the sky when a noise on the door made me turn.
It was Regina.
Why in the heck she wears make up even during night-time only God knows.
'Are you not coming to bed?' she asked all sleepy.
'I told you. There is no way I'm going to sleep in the same bed as you.'
She didn't answer she only disappeared in the house.
I was already returning to my gloom when she appeared again with a pillow and a blanket.
'Make me some place' she requested with furred tongue coming to me.
The nerve of this girl is unbelievable.
'No way' I blorted out 'Go to bed. Not mine possibly'
'I need company otherwise I cannot doze. It's all so new here. I feel disoriented'
'You'll get used to it miss Disoriented. It's not my business. I didn't ask you to come' I answered turning my attention back to the sky.
She paused a second and then she arranged the pillow on the floor, basically under the hammock, and she laid on it, wrapping herself in the blanket.
'What are you doing?' I asked unnerved.
'I told you, I want to sleep close to you'
'You cannot sleep on the floor!'
'Good night' she only replied closing her eyes.
For a moment I thought 'Fuck it' if she wants to sleep on the floor, let her sleep on the floor. But then chivalry got the better of me. I cannot let her sleep there, at my feet, like a puppy! It's too degrading.
So, sighing dismally, and asking myself why this girl had to be dropped on my lap with all the problems I already have, I left my hammock.
'Ok all right. Let's go.' I said to a beaming Regina who happily took my hand and followed me inside.
Although, once in bed, marking the middle of the bed with my hand, I told her sternly, 'This is my half, and the other one is yours. No mingling. You stay on your side'
'Ok!' she beamed laying on her side obediently 'You keep my hand until I don't fall asleep though'
'Excuse me?! How old are you exactly?! Six?!' I said cuttingly.
'It helps me sleep' she simply replied clasping my hand possessively.
What could I do? If it helps her sleep…
'Thank you, Harry. I love you' she murmured with a sleepy voice.

'Yes, I know' I said grumpily.
And as her breathing was becoming heavier, my sullenness was likewise subsiding, serenity was taking its place. I forgot how nice it is to have somebody in bed, to hear her breathing beside you, the warmth of her hand in mine. And as I was taking the resolution that, nevertheless, as soon as she was really sleeping, I would have been back on my hammock; the situation was so soothing I fell unwarily asleep too.

---

I woke up in the morning squinting in the pallid light coming from the window. It took me sometimes to realise that I actually slept. And judging by the clock on the bedside table, I slept five whole consecutive hours! It was ages I didn't sleep that well, without any nightmares at all! It's a miracle.
Regina, all bed sides' rule completely forgotten as never existed, was cosily clang to me octopus like, still with a quite perfect make up on. Unexplainable mystery of life.
I untangled myself gently as not to wake her up and I went to have my run. I felt better and more energetic than usual. I managed to run longer, and I swam for some time before to get back. The thought that Sunrise wasn't quite alone at home took away much of my uneasiness and I managed to relax and enjoy it without the usual worry to be back as soon as possible.
When I approached the house though, I grew alarmed. Regina was there, on the porch against the sill scanning the beach with an anxious expression. When she saw me, she jerked, and she started to run in my direction. Despite far I could see she was crying. I sprinted up panicking and as soon as we were close, she flung into my arms wailing like mad.
'Harry…' she whimpered.
'What's wrong? What happened?' I asked beside myself ready to lunge over the house.
'I was worried!' she muttered between tears.
'Worried for what?'
'For you! I woke up and you weren't there. I looked around the house and you were nowhere to be seen. I didn't know where you were!'
I putted the pieces together and I grunted. She gave me a heart attack for nothing.
'Regina, you silly girl! Where the hell do you think I could have been?!'
'I dunno' she wailed 'I got so scared! I thought something happened to you. I saw your wand on the bed side table, and you usually take it always with you, and then I don't know why I started to think that maybe somebody came to look for you, and you were in danger or dead and I was there alone, and I didn't know what to do…'
I sighed. The poor girl. She is as traumatized as me.
Therefore, I took her in my arms consolingly and I caressed her head 'I'm sorry. I should have left you a note. I didn't think of it. I go running every day before Siry wakes up. I'm sorry I didn't warn you. But I'm ok as you can see, no need to cry' I said soothingly brushing away a mix of mascara and tears from her face.
If we should let the world solely in the hands of women, we would drown in a sea of tears.
She nodded still shaken by sobs.
'I love you' she stuttered, her voice chocked.

'I know' I replied smiling 'Let's go home'

---

That girl is a hurricane!
Since she got here, I hadn't had a moment to breath. In the evening I'm always shattered to death, that's why I didn't write for some time but there is no way I'm going to forget anything about these days just passed.
The day of the crying debacle, soon after breakfast, she insisted to visit the village. More than one man lurched in its track at her passage and the women were thrown in a gossiping frenzy that started even before our backs were turned. I cannot understand the language, but the meaning was unmistakable. I thought best to buy a dress to cover her a bit, but it only worsened the situation as when I gave it to her with a request to wear it, she got so excited she jumped upon me with enthusiasm, skilfully managing to get a grip crossing her legs around my waist forcing me in all haste to keep her up, to smack a huge kiss on my cheek triggering the gossip, already quite vivacious, to a sudden fever pitch. Siry, obviously, in a copying frenzy, started to climb my leg energetically. I found myself keeping Regina up with one arm and trying to collect Siry with the other to avoid being denuded in front of the whole village since she was using my shorts to get the right grip for her climbing.
After the village she pushed to visit a beach on the other side of the island she heard about. We stopped eating in a restaurant on the dock. Not even a moment to relax and she entreated to have a walk in the wilderness behind the beach. After that, with difficulty, I coaxed her in laying down a bit on the sand. It lasted half an hour. She and Siry dashed into the water, shrilling and playing for the rest of the afternoon getting out time to time only to beg me to join them with no luck whatsoever.
I contented myself to watch them from the shore with an unusual feeling of contentment I thought lost forever. The always present knot in me, the uneasiness of spirit, the senseless dread, gave some respite while watching them playing happy go lucky.
The next day she insisted for a long walk all around the island. It is too big to be done in one go but she was satisfied with several hours marching. I was knackered. Especially because I was awake from dawn, I had my workout in the morning, and I had to carry Sunrise almost all the way. But she cooked dinner and took care of everything afterward helped by Sunrise who played with the dish-soap and drenched herself in water up to the top of her nose. That was nice. I was also strangely hungry, usually I never feel like eating much but that night I gulped down greedily everything she served me.
The next day she got in a cleanliness frenzy. We tidied up, we cleaned the whole house. She gave Siry a chopstick as a pretended wand so she could help too making her blissful with excitement. She insisted to buy some items she deemed indispensable and some ornaments. The house looked empty apparently, and it needed some homy touches here and there. I let her choose whatever she thought best. I was too tired to argue. But I must admit it looks nicer now. Cosier.
Neighbours started to appear to our door bringing presents of food to welcome her. I wanted to throw everything out like usual, but she told me scoldingly not to be paranoid and waste good food when none of us can cook a decent meal to save our lives. Perhaps she is right. And the food was nice, different but nice.
Yesterday she got in a real state because apparently the new edition of Witch Weekly came out in England and she couldn't live a second longer without it.
I told her that in no way she'll find it here being:

Thousands and thousands of miles from England

There are no witches and wizard living on the island nor in the whole archipelagos as far as I know, therefore no magical shops

She fretted so much hearing it, I agreed for a trip to mainland to see if it could be found in a bigger town.
It took me one full hour to change my and Siry's looks. Regina was quite charmed by the whole procedure. She asked me to round her hips. I refused. She is already round enough everywhere.
We had to disapparate to the closest island to mainland and then take a boat. It's an awful long way. However, Siry enjoyed the trip greatly and, once there, she was exalted by all colours and people. She turned back the chatting box she used to be, and we strolled around quite a lot looking for that bloody magazine. At one point, since the spells were fading, I had to close myself for an hour in a public toilet to put them all back. By the end of it they were about to bring the door down thinking I was sick or something.
Regina wanted to visit thousands of places. She bought a couple of unsuited swimwear for herself creating mayhem in the fitting room. There were two other men waiting in a paroxysm of boredom for respective partners when she came out from that cubicle. They almost dislocated their necks to have a better look and, on their partners coming out just when Regina was observing studiously her thighs in the mirror saying 'I don't know. What do you think, Harry? I think it makes me look a bit fat. (And we are talking about three triangles of fabric so small that couldn't possibly alter in any way the perception of her even too perfect body) My bottom looks definitely too big in this' when her bottom is one of those bottom you just want to it is a very fine bottom (confirmed by the puddles of drool that were expanding on the floor under the males bystanders), well, respective spouses or girlfriends didn't seem very pleased. They shot her a snakelike perfidious stare (she didn't even notice), an even worse to their partners putting a stop to the communal drooling and, as me being clearly too young to be her father but too old to common decency for anything else and as Siry chirped innocently 'Gina you look blutiful' marking her definitely not her daughter but clearly mine, I got a full of reproach bordering on disgust. The blokes, on the other side, reserved me respectively a thumbs up and a conspiratorial grin. I don't know if I was more embarrassed by the chiding or the approbation.
Anyway, being her not happy with that, she insisted for me to buy something also. She said I should mind more about what I wear, and filled my arms with thousands of shirts, jeans, t-shirts, shorts and whatever her young mind suggested her, insisting to check how everything was fitting. She and Siry were over the moon, and I must say it had been kind of fun. She has got some taste for men ware. Some of the things she picked suited me well. Or anyway this is what I gathered between the shrills of approbation. Apparently, I am "blutiful" too.
Just when we had to go back to get the ferry, she spotted a tiny magical shop masked by an apothecary, it turned out to be a sort of a small version of Diagon Alley. I didn't get in; I don't want to take any risk (despite greatly curious to see which kind of brooms are used here). I waited for her with Siry in a toy shop on the other side of the street. She came out all giddy, her precious Witch Weekly pressed against her bosom. I couldn't help but snigger seeing her ecstatic expression but I anyway clarified I'm not going to do this every single week so her addiction must stop now.
We bargained for once a month in the end.
On the ferry Siry fell asleep on my lap and Regina on my shoulder.
When we were in bed (bed's sides as if never contemplated) I asked her teasingly 'So, did you read it? Was it worth all the trouble?'
She murmured an agreement, her eyes (make up on) already closed, snuggling close to me.
'There is an article about you. We can read it together tomorrow if you want.'
'By the way' I asked suddenly curious 'Did that Skeeter woman tried to extort you any information about my whereabout?'
'Of course she did. In any way she could. She offered money, promotions, and all sort of aggrandisement. She had me followed about, listened to all my private conversations and badgered me in any possible way. On understanding it was pointless, she started to threaten to promote me downstairs, to fire me and ruin my career... And you know, after that I couldn't keep silent any longer'
All that was said with a sleepy voice and hearing her last sentence a cold dread crept over me.
'And what did you tell her?' I asked alarmed.
'That she is a nosy bitch, a vicious liar without scruples nor principles. That she must leave you alone and she could shove her menaces where the sun doesn't shine and go and fuck herself and her magazine too'
I was stunned into silence.
'I had to quit after that obviously. And I don't think I'll be able to get a decent job in England ever again. She may be a bitch, but she is influential'
I could not refrain then a vigorous burst of amusement.
'My god Regina! You are savage!'
I must say I love this girl more and more with every passing day.
She tried to pretend to be still sleepy, but I saw a repressed smug smile make way on her face.
'Why do you still buy that rubbish then?'
She dropped all pretence of sleepiness to dart up, offended.
'It's not rubbish! There are some very interesting articles! She is what she is, but she has a knack for her job. She has got the best photographers, best visuals, best models; the fashion inserts are always gorgeous, and there are tons of useful tips for beauty and stuff! She is a cow, but the magazine is spot on'
I arched my eyebrows sceptic 'If you say so…' turning off the light 'Anyway don't worry about your reputation being ruined. As a reward for your put down you deserve pecuniary assistance from me for the rest of your life.'
'I don't need it. I'll look for a job when I'll need money.'
'I've got money enough to sustain me through twenty lavish lifetimes and nobody to spend it for but Siry…' I said yawning 'You don't need to work if you don't feel like. I can get you everything you need.'
'I don't need anything but being allowed to stay here with you'
'You know what? I've got the feeling I have no choice in the matter. I don't think you are the kind of girl who wait to be allowed to do stuff…' I murmured sleepily.
She chuckled and plunged close to me, nestling under my arm and clinging to me with every limb in her possession.
I should have probably pushed her away, keep some distance but it is so nice to have somebody close, such a nice sensation to have somebody to hold, I couldn't help but relish in her touch.
'There shouldn't be a bed side rule in this bed? Shouldn't you stay on your side?' I asked teasingly.
'My side is beside you' she slurred sleepily.
I know it's all some sort of misplaced admiration and blind worshipping, but it still feels good to hear it.
'I had a lot of fun today. Thank you.'
'Don't worry. I'm glad you did'
'I love you' she murmured.
'I know…' I answered caressing her head and enfolding her tightly in my arms.
Yes, it was definitely worth the trouble after all.

---

Today something astonishing happened that greatly improved my mood.
I was reading a Daily Prophet Percy sent to me on the sofa when an owl approached the windowsill.
It was Regina-owl with a letter.
I went hot and cold.
I already received a few from Albus. He is doing fine. Hanging out with Rose steadily now despite in secret. Hermione does know though. She is not overly pleased, but she is wise enough to let things take their course. Right now, Albus is stubbornly striving in any way he can to find a way to have her here over summer holidays but the only way it's for Hermione to accompany her lying to Ron and I'm not sure that is wise for more than one reason.
But the letter in my hand was not from him but from James, and I thought it would never happen. He never answered to any of mine despite I wrote several. McGonagall is keeping me informed about his doing and just a few days after I got here, I thought I had no choice but to go back. Apparently, the situation was deteriorating very fast and even Neville hinted about the necessity of it. But then, when I took the resolution and I was about to settle everything for a departure (not an easy choice; the trip by muggle transportation is exhaustingly long, especially for Siry, we were still a bit lightheaded from it), I received a letter from McGonagall with staggering news.
Without apparent reason his grades improved all suddenly. So much, he is back in being top student. He started to frequent lessons again, which up to a few weeks before had been totally neglected, and he is more sedate and obedient. McGonagall was actually so scared by this abrupt change of behaviour that summoned him more than once in her office to have explanations but all she had been able to get back have been cheeks and impertinence. She is very suspicious and following him like a shadow around the castle to find out what he is up to, but he is not doing much beside studying and hanging out with friends and a girl. She is fearing something big and I'm scarcely less afraid than her. The reason could easily be in that unopened envelop.
I hesitated though. I'm still rather sensitive and easily beaten down and I know how sharp that boy in his endeavour can be to punish me for Ginny.
I took courage, I hardened my mind, and I unfolded it.
Well, I was surprised. It is something big. To start with, it was a normal letter, not long, not effusive, but quite a normal letter not a punishing expedition. Apparently, he has got a new sweetheart. This one seems different from all the others; he had been more communicative about her than what it is usually reserved to the girl of the moment which make me think it may be important. He wants to invite her over the summer to introduce her to me. Allegedly she is different from everybody else and can be trusted. I have the feeling that is not much about me trusting her but more about me trusting him and I'm willing to give it a go despite it may turn out disastrous if she should blab once back in England. However, I cannot ignore the fact that he has taken a step toward me, and I must do the same if I want to recuperate our relationship. I'm ready to do all what it takes.
I spotted a possible problem though.
I looked through the glass door that gives on the porch, Regina was swinging on the hammock reading Witch Weekly with Siry nestled on her side who was sucking beatifically her thumb (I must make her drop that habit as soon as it may be). She was just come from the beach, her hair still wet from the sea water, wearing her shiny new swimsuit that didn't leave much to imagination, her long bronzed legs encrusted with sand.
It is a possible problem indeed.
Nobody know about her being here besides Ted, to whom nothing can be hidden (apparently, I'm more animated), and George who found out by mistake (while I was talking to him through the bedroom's fire, she strode in without as much as knocking, half naked as usual, to get her sunglasses).
Both reckon it is a good thing, obviously for very different reasons. Ted's ones are probably sensible, George's one totally unapplicable since I'm not laying a finger on her. I'm only a surrogate father/friend to her and this is all I want to be. And yet, as George wisely pointed out, it's rather hard to believe, being her… Well… Let's say well endowed.
James has always been outright contrary of her visiting our place, he kept reminding us that she is a Slytherin therefore not to be trusted. Jealous of her because of Ginny and, despite the many assurances of the opposite, suspecting an affair of some sort between the two of us which was absolutely preposterous.
Her being here would be a confirmation of his suspect if anything. He wouldn't react well at all.
I cannot take this chance; we are walking on an edge as it is already, I cannot allow myself any false step.
She cannot be found here over the summer. She must go away.
Why did I feel an unpleasant pang reflecting on it?

---

Today I had another panic attack. Quite sudden and without apparent reason. I was on the sofa polishing the only broom I took with me intending to go for a ride at nightfall, and I felt it growing in me. My forehead covered with cold sweat, and I started to shiver, the usual feeling of insanity menacing to overwhelm me.
I tried to ignore it and carry on with my task, but I couldn't. I left my broom and I started to get long big breath as Ted instructed me. Unfortunately, sometimes it can take quite a while for it to subside.
While I was on it, Regina strode in the room holding Siry.
'Harry, I don't know why but Sunny started to wail and asking for you. I cannot…' she stopped abruptly seeing me.
'Harry! What's wrong?' she asked alarmed rushing toward me with a Sunrise that, as soon as she was close enough, climbed on my lap and curled on herself whimpering.
'It's fine, Regina. It's only a panic attack.' I stammered unsteadily in between heaving 'It happens sometimes. It will pass soon'
'Can I do anything?' she asked sitting close to me.
I shook my head trying to master those awful sensations.
She slipped her hand in mine and I kept it tightly. It helped me. Her physical contact helped me making it die out.
Siry slowly stopped whimpering and fell asleep. She always nods off after one of my attacks.
And when finally it was completely gone, I reclined my head against the sofa, weary.
'Is it gone?' Regina asked concerned sitting back closer to me, caressing my face.
I nodded 'I'm sorry'
'You don't need to apologise'
I half smiled and turned my head to look at her, her hand still lavishing soothing caresses.
'Since you forced yourself in this house, I feel right to warn you that besides having frequent panic attacks, I have some memory problems too. I tend to forget things if I'm not careful, especially when I'm under pressure. Don't get alarmed if you notice it. The last events affected my brain a bit. Ted said I can live with it very well, take care of Siry and everything and it may even get better if I eat correctly, do some mental exercise, avoid alcohol, drugs and traumatic events' I avowed chuckling feebly 'In any case it shouldn't get worse if I take proper measures. That's why you always see me scribbling. It helps me to fix things.'
She nodded grimly 'I'll help you in any way I can'
'And since you kindly forced yourself in my room too, I should probably inform you that I also get scary nightmares time to time. They tend to be quite intense, and I scream in my sleep without realising it. I know it is not pleasant from the other side, but I have no way to control them.'
'Ok' she murmured under her voice wide eyes 'Ok' she repeated more assured 'It's not a problem'
Silence fell and I could feel her concerned gaze on me, so I sniggered uneasy.
'See?! I'm not so strong and great as you picture me. Quite the opposite. I'm a fucked-up guy.'
'You are not' she said as her fingers pushed back my hair and started to trace the contour of the scar on my forehead 'You are great and strong. Another person in your place would be in a mental asylum right now' she continued, her touch sliding down from my forehead to my cheek and on my neck following the mark left by the horcrux and stopping on my chest where the round shape of the locket is still clearly visible, her hand rested there, covering it.
'I almost ended up there. It's only thanks to Hermione if I didn't'
Her fingers left my chest to fall softly on my hand where Umbridge's scar is still as clear as when I was fifteen. She traced every letter of it.
'Surely, she helped you, but she couldn't have done much if you didn't have the strength to help yourself.'
Her hand moved again wistfully to my forearm where the three vertical scars are. She travelled on those too.
I never tried to remove them by magic. I doubt they would come off. Something makes me think they are of the same kind of my forehead's but opposite to that, I don't even want to try. I want Ginny and Lily on my skin, so I won't forget them again. I want to be remined of what I almost done not to repeat the same mistake.
I followed with my gaze her fingers 'Do you know what they mean?' I asked.
She nodded grim resting her head on my shoulder 'Don't be too hard on you. It is understandable. You always showed a remarkable courage and strength. You are still doing it as a matter of fact. You are doing your best for yourself and Sunny, trying to put together the pieces of your life. You cannot expect it to be easy. To me you are the greatest and strongest of them all'
I'm truly convinced to have had a true blessing in my life. And it is not a trifling one. I always met on my path, remarkable, clever women who helped and sustained me all the way. I would have been nothing without them. I'm indebted to them with my life and mental sanity.
'Thank you, Regina' I murmured stopping her exploring fingers and taking them to my lips 'You know?! All considering, I'm glad you forced yourself in my life'
She was so touched by my banal sentence that she started to cry straight away.
'You silly girl!' I exclaimed laughing 'There is no need to cry!'
'I'm sorry!' she jabbered between sobs 'This is the best thing that ever happened to me'
Oh my, these groupies… They get emotional over nothing.
'I love you' she gushed hiding her face in the slope of my neck.

'I know' I replied stroking her head.

---

I found a solution to the summer problem! It's great!
Now that Regina is in the house with Siry, sometimes I do my workout somewhere else, never too far, but I've ventured on the other side of the island a couple of times already and today I've been to the next island. It's smaller than this one, quiet and pleasant as all these places are. There was a man sitting on a bench and behind him a group of houses that looked slightly better than the ones usually met here. Through sign language I asked him who the owner was. It turned out to be an old woman. They are to be let but being now the approaching of low season there are some empty. I got one from the beginning of July until the end of August. I'm sure Regina won't have any problem in there. They seem modern and safe.
Tonight, I'll tell her.

---

Ok, I'm in bed greatly pissed off! The conversation with Regina didn't go exactly as planned.
That girl is stubborn and unreasonable. I shouldn't have let her in!
I waited until Siry was sleeping to talk to her. She was sprawled on the sofa in one of her unsuitable too short shorts and too tight t-shirt trying a spell, or a charm, or whatever on her fingernails, peering intently at the instruction on Witch Weekly.
I sat close to her.
'What do you think?' she asked brightly showing me her perfect hand where her fingernails were of a pale blue 'I thought they would stand out with my new tan…'
'Very pretty' I said my mind on the communication I wanted to make as she turned the page of her magazine.
'I want to try something a bit more challenging now, maybe a pattern. What do you think?' she mumbled laying on the sofa still perusing intently the magazine and placing her long legs on my lap.
Stunning legs by the way.
A bit of internal struggle not to give in to the impulse of caressing them. A bit of internal struggle not to lift my gaze to her even more stunning bottom barely covered by those unsuitable jeans. I began a mental grocery shopping list just to focus my mind on something else.
It worked like a charm.
'Yes, good idea' I replied stepping back in the role of a lust-free friend deeply interested in the utterly uninteresting.
She sprinted up suddenly, her attention caught by something on the magazine, getting to my side all excited and thrusting it under my eyes.
'See? This is pretty. I want to try this one!' she exclaimed pointing to something.
'Mh-mh' I assented 'Regina I need to talk to you for a minute, can we look at it later?'
'Sure!' she trilled leaving it on the coffee table and looking at me expectantly 'What's up?'
'You know summer is approaching…'
'I know, right?! It's not the best season here, but I still thought we could do something nice! There is…'
'Regina, listen to me' I interrupted her 'What I mean is that James and Albus will be here…'
She looked at me uncomprehending 'I guessed that much' She said shrugging her shoulders 'It's gonna be nice. I always liked them. They are sweet boys.'
Thinking that however true this description may be about Albus surely doesn't really apply to James, I continued sternly 'They cannot find you here. You must go away.'
She didn't reply. She only looked at me puzzled.
'But… Why?' she said after a while and it was uttered with so much innocence, I must say I faltered.
'Because I don't want them to form a wrong idea'
'What wrong idea?' she asked keen as her face started to crumple.
'You know… Your being here and everything… It may look… You know!' I gabbled uneasy 'You must go away at least for those two months'
'But…' she wailed, a cascade menacing to pour from her eyes anytime 'We are not doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong about me being here!'
'I know that. But it's better for the moment for them not to find out'
'I don't understand. They know me, I'm not a stranger!'
'I know but it would be nevertheless awkward' I said consolingly though unwilling to explain the whole situation. Actually, a stranger would have been by far better.
'Is it because I'm sleeping in your room? I can move to another room! No problem!' she said suddenly eager with her eyes fixed imploringly on me making my task harder than ever.
'No, Regina. It's your being here altogether'
'You said you were happy to have me here…' She moaned hiding her face against her knees.
'Regina, it's not that bad' I said caressing her head trying to prevent the outburst of tears it was surely about to follow very soon 'I found a solution. I already rented a house for the summer in the next island. You can stay there. I'll come to visit you every day if I can'
She jolted up so suddenly she startled me. Tears were prevented but solely because replaced by a sudden bewilderment.
'You did what?' she hissed.
I was puzzled by her reaction 'I rented a house on the next island…' I stammered 'What's wrong with that?'
'Without as much as consulting me, you actually rented a place I didn't even see, deciding all on your own, I was going to spend there the summer?!'
I replied with a vague assenting sound. Said as she said it didn't sound the greatest of ideas.
She dashed up from the sofa 'You don't get to decide for me!' flying into a fury 'I'm not a child you can order about! I don't allow any man to take decisions for me! Not even you!'
Honestly, all this out of the blue really staggered me and I felt my temper getting hold of me very quickly.
'Of course not. It just seemed a good solution to me' I muttered unnerved 'Look, you can do whatever you want, I couldn't care less. I am only asking you to move out for two months'
'Right. I see. You couldn't care less then, do you?' she said greatly affronted 'Right!' putting her fists on her waist aggressively 'So then, since you don't care and you don't want me here, I'm gonna look for a place on my own' she stated huffily 'I'm gonna look for a guy too to get laid since I'm not getting any for ages and you'll stay here on your bloody own and I'm pretty sure we will be both so satisfied in the end none of the two will want to see the other again. Is that ok?!'
Well, I lost it completely there. I stood up too ominously, thundering on an absolutely undaunted Regina, and I barked 'I don't fucking care what you are gonna do.' And then I added something not very gentlemanlike I'm not proud of, but I do have problems in mastering what comes out of my mouth when I'm mad.
She scowled offended, turned from me and shot toward one of the guest's rooms and showing me the finger, she slammed the door on my face.
Ok. This is what happened and now, hours later, I'm in bed in the worst temper ever. Pissed off as mad for many different reasons. And what enrages me most of all is that I'm enraged mostly against myself.
Firstly, because I realised that without her in bed I'm totally unable to sleep. I'm back in my sleeplessness pre-Regina and that infuriates me. I don't want my sleep to depend on her!
Second, if I find a guy inside her place, I'm gonna dismember him. I need to find out where she plans to go and cast some men-repelling spells on her place or something of the kind. I wonder if they exist. I must check that out.
The only thought of her in bed with another man makes me simmer viciously. She can do whatever she wants of course but that doesn't take away the fact that if I find out there will be a bloodshed.
And I don't want to explore the reason of it!
And I don't want to admit that what enrages me most is that I imagined myself as being that man!

---

Things are getting complicated.
Since sleeping was out of the question I went out for a run and that helped to simmer down. I got back to bed hoping the physical strain would have helped me sleeping but it wasn't the case. I missed her presence there. I wanted her back. Therefore, I swallowed my pride and went knocking at the guest room door to apologise. I didn't behave that well after all.
She didn't answer so I pushed the door open and slipped inside. It was very well illuminated as there was a full moon. I approached her bed and I crouched beside it. She was facing the wall.
'Regina?' I whispered, 'Are you sleeping?'
'Yes'
I sniggered 'So then since you are sleeping, and you are not hearing me, I can avow without undermining my self-esteem that I've been a prat. Very rude. And I shouldn't have taken all those decisions without consulting you first. I'm sorry'
She didn't answer and I went on 'The situation with James is delicate. A few days ago, I received a letter from him, and it has been the first in months. He thinks it's my fault for… you know… the accident…' I gulped down.
'But it's not!' an outraged murmur came from her.
'Well, I don't want to get into details, but he has considered seriously to get adopted from Ginny's relatives and not seeing me again.'
A gasp interrupted my sentence.
'Lat time I saw him he told me he was going to come here only for Siry, and he is not very happy about me taking care of her. He wanted to have her raised away from me so she could forget about my existence'
I got back an astounded silence.
'Perhaps he is changing his mind. I don't know. But I don't want to lose my son and I need to be careful. He has always been jealous of you in regard of Ginny. He thinks we were having an affair'
'But this is so not true!' she exclaimed 'I would never have done it to Ginny! You would never have done it to her!'
'I know. You know. She knew. Albus knows. Everybody knows, but him. That's why you cannot be found here. I cannot run the risk. Do you understand?'
A murmur came from her 'Why didn't you tell me before?'
'Because amid my lovable traits that you are starting to discover, amid my dreadful temper, being prone to outburst of rage and being totally screwed, I've got also an unhealable tendency of secrecy. I find very difficult to speak about my problems.'
She was silent for a bit and then she said in a low voice
'We can go and check that place you rented and if I like it, I'll go there to spend my summer'
'Good girl'
'Will you come visiting me though?'
'Every of my leisure moments will be bestowed on you. Will you return back here at the end of the summer?'
'Only if you want me to' she muttered with a bit of a grump.
'Let's say that if you don't, I'll come to look for you wherever you are, and I'll take you back that you want it or not.'
She laughed softly 'I love you…'
'I know you do…'
And then something weird happened, she turned toward me, and the window projected the moon light right over her face and she looked completely different. A completely different girl!
I staggered so visibly she gasped, covered her face hastily and turned from me.
'Wait!' I exclaimed 'Turn around! You looked different!' I pressed on trying to make her turn, but she shrugged me away keeping her hands clasped on her face.
'Don't look at me!' she pleaded.
'Why? What did you do?'
'Nothing! It's only I haven't got any make up on! I didn't think you were going to come here, and skin needs to breath! I cannot keep it on all the time! I completely forgot I didn't have it!' she whined.
I was stunned for a couple of seconds, speechless. Then I burst out laughing like mad.
'Regina, you are unbelievable! Let me see your face, come on!' I insisted trying to make her turn 'Why in the hell you felt obliged in wearing makeup day and night, I'd like to know!'
I managed to make her turn but in no way, I could prevail in lowering her hands that remained glued on her face.
'Because I'm ugly without and I don't want you to see it'
'That's ridiculous! Why do you say so?'
She hesitated a moment and then in a lower voice 'I've been told'
I was puzzled 'By whom?'
A silent pause ensued so I repeated my question.
'The woman who brought me up'
'Did she tell you that you looked ugly without make up?' I asked uncomprehending.
'No' she muttered 'She only used to tell me I'm nothing special, quite homely, like, all the time. That I'm worthless, that I'll never find a man who wants me, and I'd never amount to anything in my life. She said I was only a weight and now I'm a weight to you and I'm worthless to you'
I sighed dismally. The poor girl had a childhood even worse than mine.
I caressed her hair, and I could see by the quivering of her shoulders that she was whimpering.
'You already amount to much. You are clever, ambitious, and loyal. Full of enthusiasm and energy. You used to be important to Ginny. You are growing to be indispensable to me and Siry. It's only thanks to you if I'm sleeping at night. Before your coming I had a serious problem with insomnia that was wearing me down. Siry was always low; I was always low. You are the opposite of worthless to us. You are the opposite of worthless to me'
She didn't reply and I heard a sniff coming behind her hands.
'Come on, take away those hands. Let me be a judge about your beauty'
'You are gonna lie only because I'm crying' she whined.
'I promise you I am not going to. You know I'm not a natural liar. If you are not pretty, I'll tell you, ok? Come on, let me see. I want to see what has been hiding under the mask' I insisted 'I'm actually kind of excited' I concluded managing to make her chuckle and unclasp her hands.
Some huge grey eyes full of tears presented to me, and despite her eyelashes were suffused with them, I could see they were long and of a light brown, her mouth well-formed and of a nice tinge of pink. She looked younger and at the same time more adult, her eyes bigger and more expressive, her mouth in her nudity was much sexier than with the usual layer of red covering it. She looked fresh. She looked real.
I observed her playfully feigning a serious evaluation 'You are right. You are not pretty' I said at which her smile dropped. She lowered her eyes and as her hands were darting back to her face, I blocked them 'You are stunning' I clarified.
She glanced at me surprised, her eyes becoming even bigger, then she frowned, unconvinced 'My face looks so common'
'Bullshit. You are drop-dead gorgeous. And you never looked better than tonight'
She chuckled tearfully as I was brushing away her tears 'The nasty hag was only envious, believe me. She could see you would have grown up to be hundred times better looking that she could ever aspire to be.'
She threw her arms around my neck vehemently 'Thank you, Harry'
'You don't have to thank me. I'm only saying the truth. For what it regards me you can stop wearing makeup altogether. I like the real Regina much better'
She nodded.
'Now, would you come back to bed? I'm tired and without you there is no way I'll be able to get a wink of sleep.'
She laughed taking the hand I offered her and followed me back to the bedroom.
'What are you going to do in the summer?' she asked playfully while she was laying close to me.
'Don't tell me about it. It'll be dreadful' I answered encircling her feeling a pure contentment in having her so close 'Perhaps I'll sneak out and I'll come to your place to spend the night. That is if you won't have any man there' I concluded teasingly.
'I won't. I don't want any other man but you.' she said snuggling up against me.
'Regina, you can have other men. It's fine, I'm not your husband or anything. Just do it in secret please, or I may have to kill them'
She laughed 'Are you by any chance jealous?'
'Of course I am. This is another of my lovable traits. I'm a psycho. I'm possessive and extremely jealous. Nobody can touch you besides myself'
'Don't worry. Nobody will ever touch me but you'
Despite feeling quite smug by this answer I couldn't refrain to want to clarify the terms in which I want our relationship to stand. 'That's flattering, Regina. But you know you cannot expect certain things from me, do you? It's a kind of fatherly/friendly thing we have got, right? I have no intention to go any further than that.'
'I know and I'm happy with that' she said assured.
'What if I find a woman one day?' I asked teasingly moving a lock of her hair behind her ear.
'I'll step aside obviously'
'That's very noble. You almost make me feel in defect' I replied amused rolling onto my back.
'I told you thousands of times, I love you' she said steadfast easing herself up on an elbow.
'I know you do. You tell me every day. Can we sleep now? I'm exhausted' I yawned.
She placed a hand on my chest and got pensive 'I indeed tell you every day, but I don't think you really got it'
'Got what?' I asked sleepily.
'That I love you. Like, for real' she added keen.
I smiled, took her face kissing her forehead 'I know, Regina. I got it'
'But I don't think so.' She frowned 'What do you think my love is made of?
'What do you mean?' I asked perplexed keeping up on my elbows.
'Like which kind of love do you think it is…'
I frowned and I let myself fall on the pillow reflecting 'I wouldn't know' I answered tiringly. Honestly, I was half dead by sleep, and I was starting to have problems focusing.
'Maybe the love of a girl toward his idol?' she asked hesitatingly observing her hand wistfully still on my chest.
'Yeah… probably…' I admitted 'But I appreciate it nevertheless'
'So, I was right. You didn't get it.'
'What do you mean?' I asked taking that hand in mine and slipping my fingers amid hers, already half slumbering.
'Harry, when I say I love you, I mean I love you. Not like a girl with her idol, like a woman in love with a man.'
I opened my eyes suddenly.
'I loved you for the wrong reasons when I was a child, because you were an hero and so courageous, a sort of prince charming that could save me from my situation, I loved you for the wrong reasons when I was a teen ager because you were so dashing and sexy, I loved you for the wrong reasons when you and Ginny first welcomed me in your home because you had been kind to me, but you forget that in the last years I got to know you pretty well and since then I loved you for all the right reasons too. I love you for yourself, for all your good traits but also for the ones you speak so ill of. And my love is complete and perfect because I love you for the wrong and for the right, because I love you for the bad and the good. I'm not a kiddo anymore despite you still see me as the girl you met in front of the Ministry. I'm a woman. I can recognise real love and I love you, deeply and absolutely'
When she halted speaking, I was so bewildered I was frozen in exactly the same position as when she had started her speech. My fingers were still interlinked with hers, but I had to force myself not to withdraw it hastily. I had to remind myself also to breath at one point.
'Good night' she said serenely after a while.
Surely there must be men in this world who can listen to such a declaration of profound and devoted love from a young attractive woman and remain indifferent. I'm not one of them.
I never felt so awake in the whole course of my life.
I cannot sleep. I couldn't even stay in the same bed with her anymore. I'm in my hammock and I'll spend here the rest of the night.
This is dreadful.
It is Hermione all over again.

I must send her away.

---

In the morning, I was so jumpy and agitated I couldn't do anything right. I broke a cup, I spilled the coffee, I burned the porridge forcing me to do it all over again.
Siry was chattering blithely in sunshine mode not giving me time to plan a behaviour strategy for the day.
At nine o' clock Regina appeared in the kitchen when I still wasn't ready to handle the situation in the least.
The morning light invested her, and I faltered noticing how different she looked.
She hadn't any makeup on, her hair was hanging loose on her shoulders slightly ruffled and she was wearing one of my t-shirt instead of the well planned nightie or much revealing outfits.
She never looked more womanly and sexier like at that moment. Just a girl yesterday and a full woman today. Unbelievable.
I endeavoured myself to get a grip repeating maniacally in my head "She is not twenty-two, you are soon fucking thirty-nine! She could almost be your daughter! You must send her away!" and doing a quick mental grocery shopping list in the meanwhile just to be on the safe side.
She rubbed her eyes sleepily ''morning' she cooed.
She ambled over Siry 'Hello, dolly. Did you sleep well?' kissing her.
'Yes, Gina!' she chirped 'I made this for you!' she said waving in the air a sheet of paper 'It's a flower!'
'It's beautiful, dolly. You know I love flowers. We will attach it to the wall when breakfast is over, all right?'
She ambled then over me 'Good morning' she said sweetly standing on tip toe and placing a hand on my shoulder to reach my cheek for a kiss.
I mean, she does it every day and I don't mind usually. It's pleasant. But this morning it took another meaning after her avowal.
And it became more than pleasant. The touch of her hand and the closeness of her body sent me such electric bolt, I had to withdraw.
Perceiving it, she faltered 'What's wrong?'
'Nothing' I smiled uneasy.
She frowned 'Why did you pull away?'
'It's nothing. Let's have breakfast'
'I want to know…'
Thanks heaven at that moment Siry upset her milk right on the drawing and burst out in such desperate wailing we had to intervene straight away.
After that the day has been crippling in all my efforts to stay away from her. She noticed of course and tried repeatedly to trap me to talk but I dodged her skilfully.
And it feels like the whole day was spent on my part trying not to see how long her legs are, how perfect and round her buttocks, how sexy her waist, how full her bosom, how exciting her mouth.
With various fantasies attached.
The determination to send her away became as pressing as ever.
This is all wrong.
I don't want this to happen.
I screwed up too much already and I promised myself I was going to behave better. I cannot try to fill the void left by Ginny with nonetheless than a groupie. I learned already how many damages it can produce. To me with the pretension of having her back and to the other part too.
It happened just the same with Hermione. In my need to escape from sorrow I almost destroyed her psychologically. I used her, I hurt her deeply. I don't want to do the same mistake with Regina. Doesn't matter my sleep, doesn't matter my wellbeing.
Why the hell I can never learn a lesson?! I should have slammed the door on her face. I should have seen that behind the girl there was a woman and keep her far instead of treating her kindly.
In between these considerations, something else hit me that worsened the situation further.
I couldn't help but notice how Siry got fond of her. They spend so much time together, she got used to her presence. How can I send her away without Siry being affected also?

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

---

After the bedtime story I kissed Siry on the forehead.
'Goodnight, sweetie' I murmured.
'Good night, daddy'
I looked at her serene green eyes and I felt a rush of love overturning me thinking how much her mood improved since Regina got here. I cannot take her away from her. She already lost so many people in the last months. She needs her.
'Are you happy, sweetie?' I asked placing Teddy to her side.
'Yes daddy' she answered clasping it avidly.
'You like Regina, don't you?'
'Very much.' She said assured.
'Are you happy to have her here?'
'Yes daddy. She is funny'
I laughed 'Is she?'
She nodded and then she added something that startled me 'Mummy is happy too.'
'What do you mean, sweetie? How do you know?' I asked keen sitting on the bed.
'She told me'
'When?'
'Tomorrow'
Adverbs are still a big problem.
'Did you dream of her?'
She assented all taken by her Teddy 'Do you want to give Teddy a kiss?' she asked waving it under my nose.
'Yes sweetie, later, first I want you to tell me what mum said'
'She is happy'
'What else?'
'She tickled my tummy!' she chirped laughing.
Like usual I understood there was no point in enquiring further. She is still too young for this. I wonder if she will have these kinds of dreams even growing up and the whole thing will become clearer then. In any case, being them real or simple dreams, I'm happy she is having them. At least one of the two has got the comfort of being with her.
I kissed her and Teddy, I bade her good night and I switched off the light. Just when I was leaving the room, she called me back.
'Yes, sweetie?'
'Mummy said not to send her away'
That sentence left me speechless on the threshold.

---

Ok, let's calm down.
Regina must stay. This is clear enough. Siry is happy, Ginny wants it too apparently or it's just Siry who wants it so much to give voice to Ginny which is the same.
She must stay but we need to keep distance. I can do it. I'm not an animal, I'm a fucking human being, I can control myself and I will. I'll be a friend to that girl or nothing at all.

---

I like recidivism anyway. There is an unalterable pattern in my life I cannot conquer.
Instead of heading to my room I decided to have a night-time swim to clear my mind. I felt an enthusiasm a bit too marked at the thought of her staying I wanted to check before to find her in my bed.
Water was just perfect, velvety and warm. I swam for some time enjoying the sensation of it gliding against my skin. It calmed me amazingly.
Turning back to shore I spotted Regina there. Sitting on the beach observing me.
'What are you doing here?' I asked while she was handing me the towel I left there.
'I wanna talk to you'
I took time rubbing my face.
'About what?' I said in the end.
'Why did you avoid me today?'
'I didn't avoid you' I answered making for the house in an attempt to close the conversation.
She totally ignored my reply and got hold of my arm, stopping me 'Is it for what I told you yesterday?'
I was a fool thinking I could avoid that conversation. If you look for clever women as a company, you must pay the consequences of it.
Not hearing an answer and spotting how my eyes were on anything but her, she took the towel from my hand and spread it on the sand 'Let's talk' she said imperatively, beckoning me to sit.
Since there was no possible way to escape or avoid answering, I sat, deciding for the truth 'Yes, it's for what you said yesterday' I began as she sat beside me 'If I knew the love you felt for me was of that kind, I would have behaved differently'.
'Why?'
'Because I don't want to screw up. A situation of the kind happened before, and it didn't end up well. Not for me but especially for her.'
'Hermione?' she interjected.
'How do you know?' I blorted out bemused.
She sprawled her legs in front of her, resting back on her palms, tracing circlets in the sand with her toes.
'I can still add two plus two. I know she is a very good friend of yours, I know she helped you after the accident; I asked daily updates from George. You took her surname and everything… And she is the only person that hasn't called you since I'm here and you always seem a bit awkward when you talk about her…'
Yes, I confirm it. If you decide to hang out with clever women, you must accept the consequences of it.
'Well, you guessed right. She has always suffered seeing me with Ginny in the knowledge I couldn't love her back, but I have nevertheless been even too caring, prone to forget that she may get hurt from it. It wore her down eventually. I had to take distance for her own good'.
'I see' She said rubbing away the sand from her hands and crossing her legs 'But you see Harry, to me is totally different'
Looking purposely, she continued 'I was happy to see you with Ginny, I wasn't jealous or pained by it. You deserved one another and that was enough for me. I lived all my life with the notion that you are unreachable, it is nothing new, I learned long time ago not to hope for anything. I'll always love you no matter what. You are the man I want but I'm not expecting to be the woman you want'.
Only the ripple of the sea was disturbing the quietness of the night, and the light of the porch was so dim it couldn't obfuscate the many stars in the sky.
My mind was mulling over her words wondering what I've done to deserve this undivided love when she continued.
'I'm not building up hopes. You don't need to avoid me. I'm not a danger'
Saying that sentence she looked at me and her legs were deliciously naked, her black panties slightly visible under the rim of my t-shirt, and her mouth so inviting. She could have no idea of the enormity of the danger she represented.
And just when I was starting to feel the necessity of a mental grocery shopping list, she leaned toward me to kiss my cheek, but my list hadn't sorted its effect yet and I was still powerfully turned on.
Her kiss was a bit too soft, a bit too close to my mouth and when she withdrew, a bit too slowly, the erotic charge a bit too strong, I couldn't help myself but look for those lips.
I simply pecked them, out of an impulse already regretted and she, after a faltering moment, pecked them back.
And the dam was down.
The smell of her invaded me in all her wilderness and femininity, the softness of that kiss overpowered me and in a split second my mind was bursting by all those moments when, unwillingly, I imagined her naked, every time in which, involuntarily, she filled my mind in all her voluptuousness and all those times when, unintentionally, I imagined myself profiting of that body.
And I was devouring that mouth as I always wanted to do, and the taste of her was so aphrodisiacal that glimmering part of common-sense still preaching was shut for good.
I don't remember much of what happened next, a part of pinning her to the ground, and not because of a mind blank just because I was too blurred by the excitement.
I only know that, after an embarrassing short while of mind and body blowing bliss, I was panting heavily on the top of her. And the thing had been apparently so sweeping and sudden that I didn't even bother to take out my pants or her panties for that matter.
Human being? Animal more like.
'I'm sorry' I muttered withdrawing from her in a fit of deep shame. And honest to God I don't know if was apologising for the fact that I attacked her beastly like or for the scarcity of my performance.
'It's ok' she said sitting up, all flushed, trying to compose herself 'It was just a bit unexpected'
'My god. I'm sorry Regina. I don't know what it got into me!' senses returning back and realising fully what I had done 'I'm unforgivable'
'It's fine, really!' she said keen seeing me in such distress 'It wasn't my first time or anything. It was my dream since I was fourteen actually… Though perhaps not so short...'
'You could be my daughter for fuck's sake!' I exclaimed rubbing my face, shame overcoming me.
She came close to me and locking my eyes with hers stated firmly 'I'm not a child, Harry. You are not my first man and I'm definitely not your daughter.' And then added smirking 'thankfully'
We couldn't help but chuckle over it.
'In all the times I fantasised about it I never imagined it like that though' she said among the sniggers.
I shook my head 'No, me neither. I'm such a loser'.
It took me some seconds of her staring at me to realise what my sentence meant, and I felt a flush.
'I mean…. It's not that I… I mean only fleetingly time to time.' I gabbled confusedly and then getting rather hot 'I mean one should be made of stone not to!'
Bloody girl she brought me to admit what I did.
I can avow to myself now that she has always been my forbidden fantasy since day one. Unwillingly, reluctantly, always repressed, never allowed but so it is.
With that body, come on! Most of the time spent with her has been trying to think about something else. This is the reason of my humiliating short performance. Never in my sex life I lasted so little, not even when a teenager. This girl really makes my blood turn into scorching lava. I wouldn't be in the least surprised if she turned out to be part Veela.
I know, I'm a pervert and shouldn't be allowed to walk freely.
'How could you expect otherwise with the letters you sent to me?'
'Did you read them?' She beamed all sassy.
The whippersnapper.
'Some but they were very unappropriated. You shouldn't have done it.' I scolded her playfully.
'I know, I'm sorry' she avowed not at all repented, I'm sure, 'but I was young'
'Excuse me? Young? Why, what are you now?!'
She slapped my arm with an amused frown.
'Well, let's not get all wrapped up just for a shag anyway' she added matter of fact.
Let's keep in mind that this is the same girl that only days before wept because I told her I am happy to have her in the house.
She rubbed her arms and legs to get reed of the sand and pushed back her hair 'I would be glad if we could keep going as, obviously, I didn't even get to enjoy properly but if you think it has been a mistake and you want to revert to the father/friendly thing, it's fine by me. That is, if you manage'.
I'm starting to have second thoughts on comparing her to Hermione. She is not like her at all.
'Let's get back inside anyway, unless you have a tissue, which I don't think so, I greatly need a shower' she said standing up and peering down at her panties 'Did anybody ever told you that you should cum out and not in? Oh well… We will have to brew a potion tonight or at latest tomorrow morning.'
No, not like Hermione at all.
I'd very much like at this point to write that my integrity has been strong. That given the opportunity I've been able to make the best of it erasing this unfortunate episode and start afresh. That I'm not an animal but a human being able to control my instincts. A human being who learned his lesson.
Unfortunately, I'm the opposite of what written above.
That taste of her hadn't quenched my thirst at all, it had had only the power of giving it a keener edge.
I barely waited to be inside the house. Surely, she didn't manage to get that shower. She took it a long satisfying later with me.
And her body under that shower inflamed me so much that once in bed we carried on. That potion will be needed alright tomorrow and the infamy of premature ejaculation is definitely swept away thank god; she seemed well satisfied judging by all the troubles she had to make it silent not to wake Siry up.
She is sleeping now, in all her exciting nakedness. I'm wrecked but I wanted to have everything written down because despite my behaviour is reproachable and I should want to forget everything, I don't want not even a second of this night to slip away from my mind.
It should feel wrong but, like all the wrong things, it feels great.
I'm crazy for this girl.

---

In the morning the first thing that met my eyes was her bronzed self, sleeping on her belly. The light projected on her beautiful back told me that I abundantly overslept, a new wonderful experience since I got here.
I was ready to feel overpowered by shame and regret, but I noticed with delight that I didn't feel any; I felt perfectly well, better than usual actually.
I took some moments to observe her sleeping overwhelmed by good feelings long forgotten and a newfound energy pervaded me. My wrongdoing of the night before had been so thrilling that I was ready to roll deeper in it with her.
I kissed softly all the patches of sun on her back, indulging in that delicious softness but she only stirred feebly, still deep in her sleep.
Mastering my ravishing urge, I went in the bathroom with the intention to shave. It was a long time since the last. I couldn't see any point to it, I lacked the motivation. But this morning I felt like doing it again.
When my face was finally smooth, I paused looking at myself in the mirror. Somehow it seemed like I wasn't finished yet. Something was missing. I looked at the sink. Before Regina's coming it was quite empty. Only a not much used comb and my toothbrush, now it's cheerfully clattered with thousands of her things. Between those I spotted a scissor. I took it and without much knowing what I was about to do, I pulled one of my curls and I cut it. It felt right straight away. I always kept my hair quite longish to hide the scar on my forehead, Ginny time to time trimmed it but now it grew quite a lot.
I didn't trim it this time. I cut everything short, lock after lock. There is no reason to hide my scar here.
When I was done, I putted down the scissor and passed a hand in it. It felt good. I don't know why. I looked different and it felt good.
A voice came from behind me.
'Your curls…' a naked Regina was standing close to the threshold looking at me with a sleepy critical frown 'You look good, but we should probably adjust it a bit though'
I half smiled 'If you can, go ahead'.
She left and reappeared again with her wand, making me sit on a stool and starting to work on my hair while I admired her forms from the mirror 'Did anybody ever told you that you look perfect?' I told her when she was done, quite skilfully if I may say so.
She simpered smug 'Yes, I've been told'
I turned to look at her with a mocking reproach 'Really? Does it?'
'Yes, but it's worth more coming from you'
I stood up swiftly and I scooped her up making her shriek and laugh.
'That's good because from now on you won't be allowed to hear it unless it's from my lips' I lay her in bed, and I used those lips to learn her body by heart 'Now, you are only mine'
'I've always been only yours'
I slipped in between her legs easily, caressing all that there was to caress, kissing al that there was to kiss.
'You must promise me you won't have any other man but me. You must swear you won't allow on your body any hands but mine' I slurred already in a vortex of lust.
I got only some moaning as answers which sounded as an agreement in full form to me, and as I was about to exact that possession over her with the intention of claiming it for the whole morning, a hoot filled the house reminding me of a crucial detail.
'Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!'
I'm a father of a child of three with no time to spare for sex morning-marathons.
'I think Sunny woke up' Regina panted running her fingers in my now short hair.
I groaned, sagging on her.
'Yes, sweetie' I bellowed disheartened to the door 'Give me a sec'
'Sorry' I murmured to Regina 'This is what happen when you take a guy with a family attached'
She laughed softly her fingers sliding on my back, her long nails tickling it pleasantly not helping much in make me return to a sedate composure.
'It's all right. For the moment the enjoyments are by far exceeding the vexations'
We had just the time to make ourselves presentable that Siry was striding bossily in the room, dragging her Teddy behind.
'You didn't come' she said all reproachful trying to climb on the bed.
I helped her out 'You didn't give me the time. You prevented my even starting' I said naughtily stamping a kiss on her plump cheek while Regina burst out laughing.
She studied Regina interested and then me 'Gina is sleeping with you' she stated very much offended in all her childish innocence.
Regina laughed 'Yes dolly. I'm sleeping with your dad.' And then looking at me slyly 'Finally'
The cheeky, impudent girl.
'You didn't let her sleep with me' Siry said puckering her lips.
'I wanted her for myself I guess' I said squeezing my baby tightly.
It's silly when I think about it, I didn't allow Regina to sleep with Siry and as a result, she came to sleep with me rendering me dependant of her person as I was fearing it could happen with Siry.
She looked pensive and then she piped up 'Like mummy'
Well, right at that moment it was like if a sudden icy breeze swept in the room taking away all the cosiness in a moment.
Regina's smile dropped, and I felt an unpleasant sensation at the pit of my stomach.
'No, sweetie. It's different. Totally different.'
And it was right at that moment that I understood many things.
Ginny is Ginny, Regina is Regina. Two completely different things.
This new notion staggered me. The only shadow of my proceeding (lying aside the whole age gap, James's issue and her having been one of my groupies) was coming from the fact that I feared what is happening with Regina would end up being like with Hermione giving me some uneasiness on her behalf and mine, but I realise now it isn't in any way comparable. It is totally different. It feels totally different.
There are all these positive emotions agitating in me again and that shiver that always marks something special. I never experienced any of this when making love to Hermione. I only felt wretched, I felt I was reaching my lowest point, there wasn't any shiver of anticipation, not any complicity. Not by me. It was only a way to escape from my grief. I only wanted to die. With the strength of desperation, I tried to reproduce Ginny in my mind racking me in the meanwhile with the notion that it wasn't her. I never really made love with Hermione.
While when I make it with Regina, I am doing it with Regina. I, never, for one instant, made love to her pretending to be with somebody else. I am not trying to fill any void left by Ginny, I'm building something new. There is no sadness, no regret, no longing for anything different. It's what I want. It's her I want.
'Yes, dolly. Your dad is right. It's different. I sleep with him only because if by himself he has nightmares and cannot doze' Regina added peeping at me trying to guess my thoughts.
Siry nodded eager 'I don't like nightmares. They are scary'
I pinned Regina close to me and I kissed her hair as a reassurance that everything was fine.
Taking courage by my gesture she asked with a smile to Siry 'Can I sleep with him then? Do I have your permission?'
'Yes. I don't wanna have bad dreams' she said imperatively 'I wanna go to the sea'
It took us forever to get ready as me and Regina felt impelled to snog like teenagers every two minutes in every corner of the house.
When finally there, we went for a dip all together making Siry over the moon.
She has never been so happy since we got here and now that I think of it, It's the same for me.
And I don't think this sentiment has sprouted this morning out of the blue, it was there already but only not recognised as such. Judging by Siry's behaviour had started more or less when Regina got in this house.
Is she so happy because I am or the other way round?
Does it matter really?
Being a way or the other, finally I managed in my intent to bring cheerfulness back on that face.
I understand now how fruitless all my attempts were to bring it back not feeling any myself. All I needed to do to achieve it was only to strive for my own happiness. Perhaps I've been wrong my whole life endeavouring to make everybody happy but never working on mine, perhaps mine has always been essential in order to have theirs.
I'm ready to learn my lesson and work on it from now on because I want Siry happiness, Albus and James happiness and, looking at Regina playing in the water with Sunrise, I realised her happiness is important to me as much as everybody's else.
And tonight, taking Siry to bed after she had fallen asleep in my arms while me and Regina were cuddling one another on the coach and chatting about her plans for the next day, I lingered there, beside her bed, for a few minutes caressing her corvine curls. Before to leave I whispered in her small ear a message for Ginny. I murmured a thanks for the twenty years of unabridged love she gave me. A goodbye because now I really need to let her go in order to put in action my resolutions. It's silly, I know. But somehow it was necessary for me to do it.
No woman will ever be able to make me forget Ginny, no love will be as the one I felt for her, and I know she will be part of me forever.
But I also know I don't need to forget her to be happy again, I can keep her there and go on with my life.
No love will be the same, but I can have a different one as strong without taking away anything from the one I felt for her.
Like I loved Siry from the first instant I behold her keeping loving Lily with the same strength, the love for one not substituting the other, the same will happen again.
I got back in the living room; Regina was still on the sofa. Sitting down I pulled her against me to kiss her and looking in those big grey eyes I felt wanting to share all those discovering with her. I wanted to make her part of all my feelings. Being open as I've never been before.
So, I took her chin, brushing those beautiful pink lips with my thumb.
'Regina, I need to tell you something…'
She interrupted me with a sly smile 'I know, Harry' and I was so surprised by her sentence that I halted in mine. Considering what I wanted to tell her and, considering what I always answered when she made the same avowal, for a moment I thought she guessed my meaning, but then she went on 'It's nice of you to want to explain about this morning but you don't have to, really. I know everything already. I know it's different. I know it's only sex, I know I'm "just for now" and it's fine. I know the rules of the game. One day you'll meet a woman worth of you and when that will happen, I'll disappear without a word. I won't reproach you and I won't feel ill-used. I know very well that people like me don't get to stay with people like you'.
I was perplexed by the whole speech; she completely misunderstood everything. I wanted my avowal to be straightforward and simple but after that I felt a bit more eloquence was necessary. There were still many points to straighten out.
'I see…' I began sitting back on the sofa 'I don't exactly know your definition of "people like you" and "people like me", neither "the rules of your game" albeit I can guess them but let me tell you mine.' I stopped making sure I had her full attention '"People like me" are people who endured a fame undeserved' she was about to interject but I stopped continuing 'that fame rendered the life of "people like me" a nightmare, forbidding them normal interactions, condemning them to solitude'
Hearing this she halted her endeavour to speak and kept listening slightly bemused.
'Now "People like you", despite having had difficulties enough, managed to become positive people, full of energy and good values, to "People like you" I would entrust my life without hesitation".
Those two sentences were enough to lead to a cascade of tears. I tried to take her in my arms despite her unwillingness to be hold. She crouched on herself getting away as if scared by what I was telling her.
'Now that we clarified those definitions, let me tell you the rules of my game. If you decide to stay here with me as my partner (as I very much hope you will), you must know that I basically banned myself from England and probably I'll never go back, my kids will always come first, their wellbeing have every priority on any of my decisions, and you know that I'll never stop to love my wife with all myself. She is the only one who will retain that title. I will never get another one, nobody will ever substitute her. But beside that, if you will have me, I'll be only yours. This morning I asked you to be only mine, and it goes the same for me. I'll get older much sooner than you and you will find out very soon that my temper is dreadful, that I'm messy, prone to anger, freaking out over nothing and jealous as hell but, on the other side, you can expect from me a sworn loyalty and devotion. I'll take care of you; I'll do my best to make your life as happy as I possibly can every single day of my life. This is not only sex' By this time she was sobbing convulsively crouched on herself like a ball in a corner of the sofa despite my attempts to unravel her from that position 'You are not a "just for now", you are, I hope, a "just forever".' I paused a moment and then I added what I wanted to tell her from the beginning 'Regina, I love you'
All this declaration had been made chiefly to the back of her head and since the sobbing didn't seem about to subside, I caressed her head 'Are you ok?' I asked a bit concerned.
She sniffed and a wail ensued 'Yes… I just never thought… This is…. I cannot believe it…'.
I managed to lift her face and I kissed her.
'I love you' I repeated. And kissing and brushing away her tears I repeated it to her again and again. One for every time she told me the same and I answered so unfeelingly.
When she grew calmer and started to respond to my kisses, I thought the moment had arrived to show it in a more practical way. I showed her my love as I know best, striving to give all the pleasure necessary to reach that conviction. And right after it, when I was still inside her and her body was still tingling against mine, I murmured it to her ear one more time.
Well, I'm pretty sure the message sank in; I'm pretty sure she believes it now.
Now, I really need to sleep. It's past one, it took me forever to put down all this. I feel like I'm ready to write a period, draw a line and from tomorrow everything will be different because I'm different.
I'm determined; no more brooding, no more overthinking, no more torturing myself with the past. The present is all it matters. I don't know if this new-born thing with Regina is right or wrong, whether it will give problems in future. I don't care. I only know it feels right, I feel well, and this is what it matters. I'll go with it without worrying too much, I'll live day by day savouring every instant with her.
But before going to bed I want to write down a last consideration that just struck my mind. I almost laughed aloud realising it.
Isn't it ironic that the person who has brought back happiness in me, the person who forced me to love again, the person, I hope, I will spend all the rest of my life with, is nonetheless than a Slytherin?!

Note: And this is really all! Thanks and goodbye!