A/N: Thanks to those who continue to write reviews - always very much appreciated! :) Okay, we have rid ourselves of Francie and Logan, so it should be straightforward from here, right? Well...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 12
"Paris really wasn't very much help. No, that's not fair," Rory reconsidered. "She and Doyle have actually been great, letting me stay with them and everything. I really, really appreciate that. What I meant was, she wasn't very much help when it came to what I should do about Jess."
"Yeah, gotta love Paris for her devotion to her friends, but I can't imagine her doing too well when it comes to tact and diplomacy on the romantic entanglement side of things," said Lorelai knowingly.
"Exactly." Rory sighed. "So, I'm coming to you, Mom. You've never really let me down with relationship advice. As it turns out, you were right about Logan from the start..."
"And trust me, I wish I wasn't."
"And way back in the beginning, even though you really liked Dean, you saw the signs that things were about to go bad."
"He had a jealous streak, it happens."
"You could also see what was happening with Marty way before I could."
"Ha! That was not one of your finest moments, babe. The boy was stone in love with you from Day One!"
"Well, this time I'm seeing more clearly, trust me. I know Jess likes me, at least, the me he knows online, but I also know he absolutely cannot stand the me he has actually met."
"Only because of your job and the whole book store thing," Lorelai threw in fast. "It's not you as a person that he's railing against. You're just getting all of his understandable anger at the big corporation that screwed up his business."
"And I know that," Rory agreed. "I get it, I really do, but if I'm ever going to tell him that me and his mysterious friend CoffeeGirl84 are in fact the same person, I would like him to stop hating me first!"
There were a few moments of silence before Lorelai had an answer to that one. Rory probably shouldn't have expected too much. Amazing as her mom was, in all ways, but especially in the relationship advice-giving department, this was a pretty complicated situation. Rory might even go so far to say it was entirely unique.
"Okay, so this obviously requires careful handling. Lots of tact and diplomacy, which is cool because Chilton and Yale were all about that kind of thing, right?"
"I guess." Rory made a face, trying to recall anything she had learned in her long and arduous education process that could have prepared her for this particular kind of messed up romantic entanglement - she quickly came up empty.
"All those times when they made you stand up and make speeches you were scared to make, and the essays, and debate classes, and that time they put you on ESPN," Lorelai listed with ease. "I mean, that was all tough. You had to convince people to change their opinions, you had to make people listen to you. That's all you need to do now with Jess, only in a less academic kind of way."
"Okay, but how do I do that?"
"Well, first off, you need to be his friend," her mother suggested. "You just told me that if he knew the real you offline, like he does online, then things would be easier. So, show him the real you. I don't mean march right up to him and tell him right off that you are his secret pen pal or anything, that would be a little too much, too fast, but go find him, talk to him, make nice. You're a good person, Rory. I really don't think you have it in you to be anything else. From what you've been saying, you guys always end up fighting over your store being bigger than his store, and you feel terrible that Huntzberger Books got his little place shut down. So, apologise, say it like you mean it, and then, when he forgives you, which he will, I'm sure, then you move onto other topics. Talk to him about the kinds of things you talk about online but, you know, without being super-obvious that you've had those conversations before."
It made a lot of sense, Rory couldn't deny that, but she also doubted it would be as simple as her mom made it sound. If she sought Jess out, even if he did give her the chance to say she was sorry, to admit that she had left her job because she never really liked it in the first place, and apologise for the closure of his store, there was every chance he still wouldn't want to know her. Even if she got lucky and he forgave her about Truncheon and everything, there was nothing to say he would want to be friends, never mind anything more.
It was such a long-shot, but Rory was well-aware that she had to try. She couldn't go on living like this, almost with Jess, but not quite. Half of her in his life and half of her at arm's length from him.
"I guess all I can really do is try," she said, sighing heavily and pushing her hair back from her forehead. "I'm just so scared of losing him completely, Mom. Breaking up with Logan was in no way fun, but if I lost Jess..."
"I know, babe," said Lorelai then, sympathy evident in her voice. "And believe me, I wish I could make it all work out just fine for you, but Mommy doesn't have that superpower. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Rory told her, wearing a smile she couldn't quite repress even in these difficult circumstances. "You're doing your best, just like always, and I appreciate that. I love you so much, Mom."
"I love you too, Rory," she promised her, "and I know that you can make this work. Like I said, you're a good person, one of the very best people, if you want my opinion. If Jess can't see that, in real life as well as in cyberspace, then it'll be his loss, I promise you that."
It helped to be told these things, but in the end, Rory knew she was never truly going to feel better until she did something proactive. She needed to go and see Jess. She needed to make her apology, extend an olive branch, or more than that, the hand of friendship. From there, she really hoped she and Jess could build something real, something beyond emails and screen-names, something very special, perhaps.
The next morning, while she was over at the Huntzberger Book Superstore, checking things were ticking over okay, she was told by one of the floor supervisors about their newest employees. It seemed like fate when she almost literally ran into one of them, only to be told his name was Matthew, formerly of a local bookstore that had recently been forced to close.
"Truncheon," she blurted out, shaking her head in wonder. "You worked with Jess Mariano, right?"
"I did," he told her, nodding once as he looked at her carefully, his eyes widening as he clearly realised where he had seen her before. "Wow."
"Yes, I am the person who launched this store and caused the destruction of your place," she admitted openly, because why not?
It was the truth, after all, and though she wasn't proud of what had happened, Rory knew it was better to own it, maybe even start the apology process now, before she ever got to Jess. Politely dismissing the supervisor who had been giving her the tour, she asked Matthew to join her in a nearby seating area, glad that he didn't argue, wondering if it was because he was curious what she would say or just afraid of losing his job.
"So, uh, I guess I owe you an apology," she told him, as they sat opposite each other, seemingly in a competition for who could feel the most awkward. "You know, it was nothing personal. I never intended-"
"Hey, you had a job to do," Matthew told her, shaking his head. "Do I love it? No, but it is what it is. I don't want to fight with you."
"I don't want to fight with you either," Rory assured him. "And I never meant for things between me and Jess to get personal either. I guess he told you?"
She couldn't quite read the look on Matthew's face. It was a blessed relief when he explained it for her.
"Jess doesn't talk much, not about anything personal, and what I do know, I'm sorry, but you're the last person I'm gonna share that with. If that means you end up getting me fired-"
"It doesn't. I wouldn't," said Rory fast. "I promise you, Matthew, your job is safe for as long as you fulfil your duties and don't give your supervisor any problems. I would never... I really don't want to cause any more damage. Besides, I won't be working here much longer myself. I'll be leaving Huntzberger before the month is out."
That seemed to surprise him, but Rory was grateful he didn't ask any questions about it. Not that she really expected him to, but some people were just that curious. She ought to know, she was that way herself.
"I, uh, I understand that you don't want to share private things about your friend, and I respect that," she told Matthew then, "but I wondered if you could tell me where I might find Jess now? It's just I really want to talk to him, to apologise like I did with you, and just... well, there are some things I need to explain."
She really couldn't say more than that without making things ever more complicated, but there was also nothing she could do if Matthew chose not to help her. He certainly had the right to not want to. She hardly dared hope she might be lucky.
"Since he can't be there much longer, I guess it's safe to say... well, he's living over the store right now. The lease runs out at the end of the month, so it's only temporary, and believe me, that's a good thing. I told him that place is unliveable these days, but does he listen? Nope, not our Jess. Stubborn is for mules, but Jess is a whole other level. Anyway, that's where you'll find him," he finished all of a sudden, standing up and clearing his throat. "So, can I go?"
"Oh, yes, absolutely," Rory told him, rising to her feet and gesturing for him to leave if he wanted to.
In a second, he was gone from her sight and Rory was in motion towards the door. It was only the supervisor from before calling to her, asking what else she wanted to see, that reminded her she still had work to finish. Checking her watch, she took a deep breath, knowing there was just no way she could blow off the rest of her day.
It would be a couple of hours before she finally felt okay in leaving the store and heading around the corner in search of Jess. Truncheon looked the same as she remembered, at least, in part. The windows were covered over, but the signage remained and made her smile. Of course, that look was quickly replaced with a frown as she thought of her part in the downfall of the wonderful little store.
Closing her eyes a second, Rory took a deep breath and pressed forward. A little way along from the main door, she found another with an intercom beside it. Pushing the buzzer button, she waited impatiently for a response.
"Hello?" said a voice, sounding distorted and strange.
"Hi, Jess? Um, this is Rory Gilmore. I was hoping we could talk. I come in peace, I swear."
She fully expected him to tell her to get lost, possibly with colourful language included, which she couldn't exactly say she didn't deserve if he chose to use it. When no more words came at all, she felt her heart begin to sink, then suddenly, a buzzing sound and a click as the catch released. Not wasting a second, Rory tore open the door and all-but ran up the stairs.
As she reached the top, she realised that inside actually felt strangely colder and damper than outside ever had. That couldn't be right or good, she considered, finally reaching another door that stood slightly ajar. She considered for a moment, then politely knocked before pushing on it.
"Jess?" she called out, unsure what she should expect to find as she poked her head into the room beyond.
Whatever she thought she was going to see or hear, it wasn't what she got. The barely-lit room was, quite frankly, a mess, and though she couldn't see Jess at first, she heard what had to be him, sneezing loudly, coughing painfully.
Rory winced at the sights she saw and even more so at the sounds she heard. When finally she was standing fully in the room, she realised Jess was lying on a mattress on the floor, blowing his nose into a large wad of tissue and looking paler than anyone she had ever seen in her life.
"Oh my God!" she gasped, rushing over to him. "Jess?"
"I think that's who I am," he told her, sounding even worse than before.
Rory had thought it was the intercom warping his voice, but it wasn't. He really did sound terrible and looked just as bad.
"How long have you been suffering like this?" she asked worriedly, realising belatedly that she was showing concern for the friend she knew so well via computer, when he was only expecting her to treat him like a veritable stranger. "Um, can I get you anything?" she tried, hoping she sounded a little less panicked than before.
"It's only been this bad a couple of days," he told her, even as he flopped back down against the pillows, breathing unsteadily. "And unless you have a new head or lungs in your purse, there's not much you can do for me."
She felt so awful for him. He was obviously suffering, if not with the actual flu, then a seriously bad cold. The way she was shivering already proved to Rory that the conditions Jess was living in certainly weren't helping him at all. You didn't catch a cold from the cold itself, that was a misnomer, but this way of living wasn't at all healthy. It probably hit Jess' immune system hard and left him vulnerable. The stress of all he had been through with Truncheon lately wouldn't have helped either. Rory felt sick at the thought.
"Why are you even here?" asked Jess then, one hand on his forehead, eyes seemingly trying to focus on her face and finding it difficult. "Shouldn't you be sitting in your ivory tower, counting your money, while the Imperial March plays or something?"
Rory felt her eyes widen at the implication.
"You think I'm a cross between Ebeneezer Scrooge and a Sith lord? Wow, that's... I don't really know what to do with that," she admitted, shifting from her knees to sit down on the floor beside his make-shift bed.
"Do whatever you want." Jess sighed, turning his face away from her. "That's what your kind always do."
"My kind?" she squeaked, just about ready to go all-out crazy at him for being so presumptuous.
His next coughing fit stopped her in her tracks within seconds. Scrambling for the unopened bottle of water she knew was somewhere in her purse, Rory quickly handed it over the moment she found it. Despite what he might think about her, Jess did accept that little bit of help at least, drinking deeply from the bottle.
"You know, I'm really not as bad as you think," Rory told him, hugging her knees to her chest, as she watched him taking time to recover his composure. "There is no ivory tower or piles of money. I mean, I'm not dirt poor or anything, but I didn't have a whole lot growing up. It's true that the Huntzbergers are rich, and yes, I was dating Logan for a while, which meant I got some of the good things in life, but that's all over now. We broke up. Also, I'm currently working notice at my job. A couple of weeks and I won't have anything to do with Huntzberger Inc either."
Those facts seemed to catch Jess by surprise, or maybe his fever was just so bad he wasn't understanding her and was about to pass out right in front of her eyes. Rory really hoped that wasn't true and got her answer when he finally found his voice again.
"You gave it all up. Why?"
She opened her mouth to tell him, but every possible explanation Rory had died on her tongue. All the real reasons she had for changing her life started and ended with him. Things he had said, feelings she felt for him, it had kick-started the whole process and made her realise she had to get her life back on track, the way she wanted it to be. That wouldn't make sense to him. Not without her confessing that she was CoffeeGirl84. It was too soon for that, even her mom had said so. She would have to find some other way to answer his question.
"Because I didn't like the person I was becoming," she said thoughtfully, realising it was as simple a truth as any ever started.
Jess looked at her strangely, though whether that was in response to what she was telling him or just the fever melting his brain was harder to tell. Either way, Rory figured she may as well give him the whole story. Truth be told, she would like him to have it, not just so he liked her better, but because she couldn't think of anybody she would rather talk to right now.
"When I was younger, I lived in a place where everybody knew everybody, and almost everybody got along too. People liked me there," she said, smiling at the memory, that same expression fading the moment she continued. "Hardly anybody in New York really likes me, not anymore, and most importantly, I realised, I didn't like me either. My job, my boyfriend, my whole situation, it wasn't what I wanted. It was making me unhappy and... and it was having a negative effect on other people too," she said pointedly. "So, I made a change. I'm making a lot of changes, actually, and I just wanted to tell you that... that I'm sorry, Jess. I am so sorry about your business and about that night in the diner when..." she stumbled a little over the words, "when your friend didn't show up. I'm just really sorry."
There was a hint of a smirk pulling at Jess' mouth when he said; "Yeah, but are you sorry?"
Rory realised what he meant and actually laughed at herself. Maybe she had used the word enough times now. Jess clearly thought so, which was good.
"Apology accepted, by the way," he said, waving his hand in some vague gesture as he shifted against his pillows, presumably trying to find a more comfortable way to be at least a little upright in front of company. "I mean, why not, right? What do I have to lose? If you hadn't guessed, it's not much."
He started coughing again before he hardly finished that sentence and Rory winced at the sound. He sounded even worse than he looked, which was quite a feat today.
"Can I get you anything, besides the water?" she offered. "I think I have painkillers..." she trailed off, her head in her purse as she dug around for the aspirin she was sure must be in there somewhere.
"I actually took some just before you got here," Jess told her, taking another drink of water. "It's why I was up when you buzzed the door. Five minutes later and you never would've got in here."
Rory smiled. "Then I guess it's my lucky day."
Jess only sighed, his eyes falling closed. "It's great to be you," he muttered, seemingly drifting off to sleep right in front of her.
"So, I should go, let you get some rest," she realised aloud, pulling herself up to her feet, "but if you need anything..."
"I'm fine."
It seemed as if he was trying to be firm in his response, but it didn't really come off, in the circumstances. Even if it had, Rory knew she would never forgive herself if she didn't do her best impression of a good Samaritan, partly because it was the way she genuinely was anyway, partly because it was Jess.
Pulling paper and a pen from her bag, she scribbled down her number then leaned down to press it into his hand. His eyes opened and he stared up at her, just this side of real awareness.
"Just in case," she told him softly and with a half-smile. "I hope you feel better really soon, Jess. I mean that."
Turning to go then, Rory wished she could explain the tears in her eyes as she left the apartment. Maybe she could, to herself at least, but Jess would never understand. Not yet anyway, but hopefully, someday soon.
To Be Continued...