You all still here for this one? I promised an Amanda centered bonus scene.
"You have to give me something!" Amanda complained.
"I'm not sure I have to say anything," Olivia returned.
"Oh come on. I just had a wrecking ball shove his way out of my body, and I'm on a required six week dry spell," Amanda complained.
"Something tells me that you aren't going to want anyone near whatever disaster that wrecking ball left behind," Olivia teased.
Amanda grimaced. "Maybe so, but come on, I can't keep getting second hand details from Fin." She shook her head. "My ignorance over your life is getting embarrassing."
Olivia chuckled. "You're not exactly helping yourself here. Fin definitely doesn't need any more ammunition for his teasing."
Amanda placed a hand in her heart. "I promise whatever is said here will stay between the two of us."
Olivia tucked her legs underneath herself on the couch, and reached for her glass of wine resting on the coffee table. She had to spend at least a little time stringing Amanda along, it was part of the fun. "What do you want to know?" Olivia sipped her wine, trying to hide her smile.
"Uh I don't know," Amanda said with sarcasm. "What, when, uh what's going on now, is he living here, how does Noah feel about all of this, is the sex amazing…" she rattled off her questions in a nonstop stream of consciousness.
"Woah," Olivia laughed, "slow down. Sheesh. So nosey," she teased.
"Can you blame me? This is, God Liv, this is a huge deal. We've all watched that man pine for you for God knows how long, and I'm not going to bring up what you were like…" Amanda hesitated, "you know," her voice dropped, "after he left."
Olivia nodded. A more somber mood fell over them at the mention of Elliot's prolonged absence, but Olivia chose not to wallow in it. The past was in the past. However much she wished she could change it, she couldn't, and she she wasn't sure she wanted to anyway. She and Dlliot missed out on so much, and she wouldn't let regret creep into the happiness they had finally found.
Olivia's eyes focused on her wine as she swirled it lightly in her glass. "I don't blame you," she admitted with a shy smile.
"So?" Amanda prodded impatiently.
"I'm not sure where you want me to start…" she took another sip of her wine before dropping it back on the coaster on the table.
"I feel so behind, so start whenever. I didn't even know he kissed you and then Fin was texting me about you two making out on your office couch." There was a twinge of sadness in Amanda's voice. With her new job and the baby, life had gotten away from them. Olivia hadn't intentionally left her friend in the dark.
"Wellll…" Olivia dragged the word out. "We first kissed the night…" she swallowed, "the night we found Clem."
Amanda's smile dropped a little. "I'm sorry Liv. That had…I mean I'm not sorry about the kiss, I'm sorry about Noah's friend. That whole thing was just…" she let the thought taper off.
"I know. It was hell. But maybe it pushed us in that direction. I mean, I needed him, and he was…"
"He showed up. You needed him, and he was finally there." Amanda's voice softened.
"Yeah," Olivia smiled sweetly. "And maybe that's what I needed. I just needed him to be there for once. I guess I needed him to show me that I could rely on him again."
"It makes sense Liv." Amanda drank her club soda. "He left and he wasn't exactly present the past couple years. He was here, but in a real way he wasn't."
"Yeah," Olivia's eyes dropped to the couch upholstery. "I think that was a big hang up for me. I mean he came back, but it didn't feel like he came back for me."
"Until now," Amanda said with a smile.
"Exactly."
"So he kissed you on a camp out…" Amanda tried to encourage the story along.
"I kissed him, actually," Olivia admitted with a laugh.
"You know what? Come to think of it, I kissed Sonny first too," Amanda laughed.
"Everything from then on out just felt like a sort of natural progression from there." To be honest, the entire time period was lost in a mishmash of haunting memories, only tempered by Elliot's nonstop presence and support.
"I'm assuming you didn't decide to just do it there on the tent floor," Amanda laughed.
"Oh hell no," Olivia laughed at the absurdity of the idea. "Years ago I might have been up for something like that, but it wasn't the right time. We had just found Clem and Colton was still missing," she shook her head. The hopelessness she felt came flooding back with full force. "When it happened…I don't know…we waited so long…I didn't want it to feel…" she waved her hands around a bit. "I'm not explaining myself well."
"No, I totally get it. There was all that fear hanging over you. You just wanted it to be about the two of you." Amanda smirked a little. "Who knew you were such a romantic?"
Olivia smacked her friend's arm lightly. "I didn't need it to be all candles and rose petals, but I did want it to be about us, and not about seeking comfort after a traumatic day. At least not the first time."
"And the first time?" Amanda asked anxiously.
"It was," Olivia's hand pressed against her heart that threatened to pound its way out of her chest. A couple weeks later, and the memory left her breathless. "I'm not sure I can explain it really." How could she explain that it was everything she expected it to be, but also more transcendent than she could have ever dreamed?How could she explain that she had never felt so complete than the moment they came together? Of course there was passion and lust, the product of decades of suppressed want, but it was so much more than that. She had expected the fire, but she hadn't expected the all consuming perfection of it all. She had found the missing piece of her soul, and she hadn't expected the overall emotionality of that final piece clicking into place. It was everything she never knew she wanted it to be.
Amanda's knowing smile brought her from her silent reverie. "He's the one," Amanda said softly.
"He always has been."
For a moment the two friends sat with those words hanging in the air. Olivia knew Amanda understood, at least to some extent. Carisi was her person, her other half. They had walked the tightrope of friendship for years before deciding to take the plunge.
There were similarities, but at the end of the day their stories couldn't be more different. She knew Amanda wouldn't, couldn't, understand the deep pain Elliot's absence etched onto the fleshy walls of her heart. She could never understand the decades-long want that plagued their partnership. She could never understand the feeling of standing on the outside looking in, loving a married man, knowing without a doubt he was the only person who could heal the damaged pieces of her battered soul. How could she ever explain the deep shame she felt for wanting him, knowing that if he ever gave in to what they both wanted, it would destroy him? How could she explain that hurt cut deep, but it only made the joy more exquisite.
Amanda had found her person, and Olivia would never minimize the obstacles Amanda conquered in pursuit of her happiness, but her story would always be clouded and shadowed by a lifetime of want and regret. She thanked God Amanda would never have to experience that sort of hopeless despair.
Amanda reached across the couch to clasp Olivia's hand. Amanda's eyes watered with emotion as she began to understand the depth of meaning behind Olivia's short admission.
He was the one. He always had been. Even when he belonged to someone else.
Amanda released her hand, and as if she could sense the need for some levity, she drank her soda slowly and smiled. "So what you're telling me is it was earth shattering?"
Earth shattering. Mind blowing. Life changing. All of it.
Olivia lifted her wine glass and sipped it with a smirk. "Every damn second."
Amanda laughed. "With an answer like thatI kind of want to ask for a play by play, but I think I'll let you keep that for yourself."
"Thank you," Olivia said in complete appreciation. Amanda loved to know the nitty gritty details, but she also appreciated Olivia's natural need for privacy in the things closest to her heart. It's what made her an amazing friend. "I'll tell you one thing," Olivia gave her a near wicked grin, "the man knows exactly what to do with his mouth."
Amanda spit her soda in surprise. She coughed and her eyes watered. "Oh my God," she laughed. "I did not expect you to say that."
Olivia shrugged and leaned back into her couch cushions. "Figured you wouldn't quit until I gave you something."
"So he was good?, I feel like he would be good."
Olivia smiled broadly, and repeated Amanda's earlier description. "Earth shattering."
I meant to make this a comedic piece...but then it got serious. Sometimes these stories do their own thing and I just go along for the ride.