A/N: Thanks again to those still reading this story and those still reviewing. Here's the next chapter, as expected it is longer than the other ones, I was thinking about splitting it in two parts, but I couldn't just decide where to cut it, so I just posted it as it was written. Here you'll see a lot of interactions between Addison and Derek, and it is my personal favorite so far. And yes, the chapter is named after a line from "All too well" by Taylor Swift, mostly because I kept listening to that song on repeat while writing this chapter so, it made sense to name it after it, also feel free to use that same song as your background for reading this, you won't regret it (Or maybe you will?)
Anyway, here's the new chapter, I hope you enjoy it.
THIS THING WAS A MASTERPIECE 'TIL YOU TORE IT ALL UP
You're not Derek.
Those were the first words Addison could come up after the first time she kissed Sam, she could have said anything else, but her first single thought was comparing him to her ex-husband. Derek had been her one true love, or at least he had been for a long period of time, of course that the bar was high for anyone to top that, even for Sam, and even though she wasn't supposed to be thinking about that, those past days with Derek being around all the time had been intense. So intense that there she was, alone on her beach house with a glass of wine on her hands, listening to the sound of the ocean and thinking about her ex-husband.
Everyone around her kept saying that she must keep things professional with him during his stay in Los Angeles, and God, she was trying to, but once he was there, even his presense made her unable to think, this strange feeling where she wasn't herself took all over her body whenever that he was around. Why on earth did Derek Shepherd had that effect on her after all this time?
Since moving out from Seattle, she tried not to think about it, but then again, why would she torment herself thinking on what could have been? She had already done it on the past, she had spent days crying on their Brownstone in New York each time that he didn't come back home or each time that he would ignore her calls, or at the point he decided to stop caring, and still after all those years, she couldn't even figure when did everything changed for them? Did he just wake up one day thinking that he was tired of being married to her? They used to be the sweet couple that other people looked up to, the names Derek and Addison Shepherd meant a strong alliance back in the day, how did they reach the point where he wouldn't even talk to her while they were living on the same house?
When she slept with Mark Sloan that was their breaking point, but even there, he acted like he didn't care, like she was just doing him a favor by giving him the perfect excuse to finally walk away without him being the bad guy, after that, the blame had always fell on Addison's shoulders, and that's how she carried the guilt for their marriage exploding and ending after eleven years.
Addison had carried that guilt during her failed attempt to make things work in Seattle, but as much as she tried to convince herself that eventually things would improve, it was too late, the Derek Shepherd who was madly in love with her, the one who had been by her side since the start of her medical career was no longer present, now he was a completely different person, and still, that didn't mean that letting him go was any easier.
She wanted to hate Derek so badly, she wanted to hate him for ruining her fairytale, and for taking most of her 20s and her 30s, and of course, she wanted to hate him mostly for being happy with someone else, for sharing with another person the looks and the smiles that used to be only for her, and most of all, she hated that he already had his post-divorce life all figured out while she was still dancing around a probably failed relationship with her best friend's ex-husband.
Maybe it is what I deserve for my cheater past?
Having another sip of her glass of wine didn't help to remove those thoughts from her head, not even the sound of the ocean.
If only things had worked out with Sam, then I wouldn't be here all alone thinking about the man I fell in love with when I was twenty-two.
Sam, right.
He's the one she should be thinking about right now, wasn't he supposed to be her greatest love? But then again, that used to be Derek's place too.
But if that was the case, then why was she tearing up by the memory of the happier times that she had shared with Derek? Wasn't she already over him? Or was she just convinced that she was and had decided not to think about it from the past four years?
Back in Med School, both of them had their life figured out, they've discussed it right after their engagement. They will finish their residency, fellowships, then they will take some time off to have children, two boys and one girl, they would find the balance to make it work with the kids and professionally, and once the kids were old enough, they would move in to The Hamptons to spend the rest of their days there, which even though Derek wasn't the biggest fan of that place, he was willing to give it a try because he knew that it made Addison happy. Of course, what they didn't add into that perfect-picture life was Derek's indifference or the affairs they both had… But that was just how life goes, right?
Addison took her phone on her hands and started looking through her contacts, she scrolled through some names, until she found the one she was looking for: Derek Shepherd. She spent at least five minutes looking at the name on the small screen, of course she wasn't going to call him, she wasn't going to write a message either, but for some reason, seeing that name on the screen, made her think about what would she say to him if she allowed herself to be truly honest.
"It's not that I don't want you here, of course I know that you're the best neurosurgeon on the country, I was there when you became that person, remember? It's just that – Maybe I am not as over you as I thought, which is why you being here is so… Frustrating? Yeah, that's the word I'll use, frustrating. Seeing you here every day isn't easy, you know? You're not just any ex I can just ignore… You know what else is frustrating? You have your life all figured out, which is absolutely annoying. Me on the other hand? I – I don't even know… I want a baby; I want to start a family so badly. I wanted to have a baby with you but I took time for granted… Now? Now I only have one egg left and… And I don't even think that having a baby with…"
She didn't even realize that she was speaking out loud if it wasn't for a familiar voice that interrupted her not so inner monologue.
"Do you speak to yourself now?" Sam said from his porch, he had a bottle of beer on his hand, he knew that Addison was a bit eccentric sometimes, but this was something that he hadn't seen before.
Quickly after hearing that voice, Addison locked the screen of her phone, hiding Derek's name. Speaking alone was less embarrassing than speaking to the memory that she had of her ex-husband, in any case, she wouldn't admit or deny anything. Her only response to Sam was taking another sip of her glass of wine, only hoping that he didn't listen to her whole "conversation" with herself.
"… I've heard you had a patient with Derek at the hospital. How did it go?" Sam tried to start a casual conversation, they haven't had one of those in a while.
Addison on her side, rolled her eyes. "Yes, we had a patient together, everything went well. Is that what you wanted to talk about?"
Sam approached to Addison's property, he even went closer by sitting next to her, on the same long chair where she had been resting this whole time.
"No. That's not what I want to talk about." Addison again didn't say a word, she kept her eyes on him, at least she wasn't thinking about Derek anymore. "Addison, you gave me an ultimatum, the least you could do was to give me some time to think about it… You keep saying that you want me to step in, but that's only if I do what you say, isn't it? You keep assuming that we're over, and to be honest I don't want that." Sam explained trying to caress Addison's hair, but she stepped back avoiding their contact.
"Your inability to answer, Sam, that said more than any words you could came up to."
"You're not giving me a choice, I told you I don't want to start a family again, I am a father, I am grandfather, for God's sake. I can't do it all over again." Sam defended himself, starting a new family will never be a choice for him, he had done it and he wasn't going to change his mind. "You can be a part of that if you want to, but I'm done with the raising babies thing." Thinking that this answer would solve their problems, he grabbed Addison's hand, but she shook her head immediately while a sarcastic smile appeared on her lips.
"Right, I am sure that Nai would love to see me on the middle of her family while raising her daughter and granddaughther". Addison was tired of having this fight all over again. "Why didn't I think about that? We can be a great big family all of us." She was being sarcastic, she knew that, but Sam was making it harder as the seconds went by.
"What else did you expect when you went after this relationship? Naomi, Maya and I were willing to accommodate our lives with you on the picture, now you're giving me an ultimatum, it makes me think that maybe, you just want to be let off the hook."
Did he really just say that? He did not just say that!
"That's not fair, Sam."
That was a low blow.
"Fair? Do you think it was fair of you to stand right here and tell me that if I didn't have a baby with you, then we should break-up? Because as far as I know, that isn't fair either. Not when I gave up so much to be with you. You can't acknowledge the toll I took."
This is unbelievable. Is he really turning the tables on me?
"It took a toll on me too, Sam. I mean, I sacrificed my best friend for a man I was sure I was going to raise a family with. You think I am being selfish? Take a look of yourself!"
She might have raised her voice on that last sentence, but he surely deserved it.
"…You wanted me since med school, okay?" This made Sam laugh sarcastically, Addison had been thinking about this since the moment that Derek brought up that subject, when she revealed how did things went by between her and Sam back then, or better said, how she turned him down. "…So, don't flatter yourself that any pain that this has caused is all my fault. This relationship didn't just happen; you went after it."
He remained in silence for some seconds, looking down until he finally met her eyes again.
"This is not about you wanting a baby, isn't it? This is about Derek being here." Sam figured as she mentioned the Med School thing, and of course he knew that Derek was after that information, maybe they did talk about it. "Am I wrong?"
"Would you just stop bringing up my ex-husband into this? Besides, I thought that talking about Nai or Derek was off-limits, remember? This is not about them. This is about us, no one else."
Sam took a drink of his bottle of beer and didn't say anything else.
"You know what, Sam? This isn't going anywhere… I –I had a rough day and I want to rest… I'll see you tomorrow at the Practice." He couldn't be right, of course this argument wasn't because of Derek, they had been on this dark place long before Derek's arrival.
"No, Addison, you don't get to walk away. I am here now, we're talking about it just the two of us, isn't that what you wanted? Each time that we're on the practice, you keep saying that it is not the place to have this conversation… Now we're here. It's time." Sam grabbed Addison by her arm, forcing her to stay there.
Even though she didn't appreciate the grabbing on her arm, she was forced to look at him straight into his eyes and sighed.
"I'm tired of having this same fight every day, Sam. I just – This is definitely not what I want."
"Then, what do you want?"
I want you to care. I want you to be the perfect guy I was convinced that you were.
"Right now? I just want to go inside and forget about this whole thing. The way I see it, this isn't going anywhere. We can talk about it tomorrow if you're ready to have a say about it. Until then, nothing has changed."
XX
Early the next morning, both Addison and Derek were together on their patient's room, they've met only about ten minutes earlier and only shared a very professional greeting before they both started to check the patient's progress since the surgery they've performed. Derek however had brought with him two cups of coffee and offered one to Addison, which she appreciated. "Just like you like it. Black and sweet, right?" That was something professionally acceptable, bringing coffee for a collague wasn't against the rules, right?
"Yes, that's actually how I like my coffee, I can't believe you remember it." Addison was impressed that he actually remembered that little detail. "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd."
"Well, I did I spent a thrid of my life getting you coffee, there are things that you simply can't forget, Dr. Montgomery." He smiled, but she didn't pay much attention as she was more focused on her patient's chart. Derek had learned over his few days in California that in order to have a quiet day, it was better to avoid any conflict with Addison, especially early in the morning when she seemed to have a very special mood.
She used to be very enthusiastic in the mornings, I hated that… No, not hated, I kinda liked that thing about her.
Derek took a glance at his ex-wife, he kept his silence while she greeted Nora, however he was more focused on her than his actual patient. It has been some days since his arrival and of course he had noticed before, but Addison looked even better than he remembered, if that was even possible, she was wearing her red hair down, which he always liked, and was using one of those many tight dresses she owned.
How did I even stop noticing her? She looks breathtaking. Yeah, that's the word I would have said if we weren't being professional and calling each other by our last names… No, wait… Is that something that some can use to refer to an ex-wife? Maybe Satan is more fitting.
A sudden smile appeared on Derek's face while Addison was checking on the patient, fortunately, she was too focused checking on Nora to even notice that Derek's attention was far from the patient. In that moment, while she was explaining the image appearing in the monitor, she smiled while she showed the patient how the fetus was progressing, and this simple fact made Derek's smile to grow a little bit more.
She might be Satan but she certainly has a good smile… But then again, she also looks breathtaking.
Maybe the fact that Addison admitted that nothing happened between her and Sam during their time in Med School had made Derek more confident and yes, maybe it did make his ego grow even more, because even though he wouldn't admit it, the simple thought of something happening between Addison and Sam while she was his girlfriend was making him lose sleep, but after the conversation that they had, this concern had completely disappeared. Sure, both of them made their share of mistakes during their marriage, but for years things were good, they were better than good and that's an image that he didn't want to change.
Yeah, at least he kept far from you back then, though I would have appreciated if he would have kept his distance from you even now… That or probably I just need better friends, or at least friends who keep their hands off my wife.
Ex-wife.
Suddenly Addison's voice took Derek's attention back to reality, and he tried to focus on the information that she was saying to the patient, after all, that was the only reason why they were there together.
"…Spence is responding as we were expecting, his vitals are strong, same as his heartbeats, Dr. Shepherd had done a successfully shut system procedure, which means that he has inserted a small hollow tube, called a vesicoamniotic shunt, to correct the Hydrocephalus." Addison explained to their patient, or at least that was what Derek was able to hear after he was able to move forward from his own thoughts.
Derek was standing next to her, holding Nora's chart and nodding to Addison's explanation, pretending he had been listening carefully the whole time.
"Yes, as Dr. Montgomery explained, the shut system was inserted successfully, however we would like to keep you on observation to see how does Spence react after the surgery, I would like to keep an eye on his progress, but I am sure that once we confirm that he has recovered completely, then you can go back home and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy… For what I can see, you still have ten more weeks to go." Derek added after closing the chart and giving the patient a warm smile.
"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. And you too, Dr. Montgomery… No offense, but I'm not the biggest fan of this place."
Both doctors laughed quietly.
"None taken. If everything goes well, which we're very confident it will, then you won't have to come back until the time he's born." Addison added while starting to walk to the door to finally leave the room, however she was once again stopped by Nora's voice.
"Let's hope that. Again, thank you so much, doctors." Both Addison and Derek were ready to leave the patient's room but Nora wasn't done talking to them. "Dr. Shepherd? Are you a new doctor here? I've had several neuro consults here but I've never seen you until now." The patient asked curious. "Are you married to the other Dr. Shepherd?"
Addison raised her eyebrows, for a brief moment, she remembered when she used to get that question, back when she was called "Addison Shepherd", which she would proudly announce that yes, that hot-shot neurosurgeon was her husband.
"Oh, no, no. That other Dr. Shepherd is my sister, actually… But being fair, I've only been here on the city for a few days." Derek explained as briefly as he could, he shouldn't be giving explanation to his patients about his reasons to be here, or for how long he was planning to stay there.
"Oh, sorry. But now that you mention it, I do see the resemblance." Nora added, while Addison was just standing there, next to her ex-husband. "Well, I really do hope you're enjoying Los Angeles. Dr. Montgomery is a very nice doctor; I am sure she will make you feel welcome."
Oh, you have no idea, Nora.
That last part made them both laugh nervously, or was it awkwardly?
"Well, Nora, I am sure that Dr. Shepherd appreciates the welcome, but we do have to go to see other patients and you and Spence need to rest. We will come back later to check your progress, we've also told the nurses to page us in case you need anything, okay?" Addison was the one who stepped in this time, because she knew Derek well enough to know that if Nora kept talking, he will just stay there all day.
"Get some rest, Nora." Derek said before leaving the patient's room.
Once they were both outside, Addison stayed signing some forms. "Well, that was something." Derek mentioned while standing next to his ex-wife.
"What?" Addison kept her attention on the forms she was filling on the patient's chart, or at least she was pretending to fill that while Derek was still there, even though that wouldn't stop him to start an inevitable conversation.
"Dr. Montgomery will make me feel welcome?" Derek quoted their patient, which made Addison smile, then she just shook her head.
"Well, I haven't asked you to leave the city today. Isn't that welcoming enough?" Addison kept her eyes on the chart as much as she could, but it didn't take much convincing for her to close it and look at Derek. "Besides, I've made my peace with you being at the hospital, now when you go again to the practice to get free coffee and to hang-out with my friends, then you'll hear from me."
"You've made your peace? You're still calling me Dr. Shepherd. That doesn't seem very peaceful." Derek teased her, which made Addison roll her eyes. "And I'm not going to your practice only to get free coffee, you know that Charlotte keeps asking me to meet her there and I'm also helping Amelia with some consults… And yes, also the coffee is good." He was smiling, just like he used to do it back before everything between them went downhill, back when they were known not only as a successful married couple, but also as AddisonAndDerek. "All I'm saying is that working together wasn't that bad, right?"
"Don't push it, Derek." She made an emphasis on his name.
"Come on, Addie. Even you have to admit that we make a good team, and I think that even Nora can agree." That cocky smile was still on Derek's lips, and Addison hated that, because usually, when he smiled at her, was when she wasn't able to think, and today, she couldn't afford that luxury… Or well, she couldn't be like that around him.
"I've never had any issues with you as a professional. I do acknowledge that you're a good doctor." As much as Addison wanted to ignore him and keep her sight on the charts, she couldn't avoid that her eyes met his. "Fine, we do make a good team in the O.R" She finally admitted.
"See? That wasn't so hard to say, wasn't it?" Derek teased, which made Addison smile again, just like she used to years ago.
"Shut up."
They were so focused on each other, that neither of them noticed that Sam had been there, watching them from the end of the hall, of course they were just talking… And smiling at each other, just like they used to back in New York, that was something that Sam remembered. That's something that two old friends would do, right? At least after they're done hating each other. Should he be worried about what he was seeing?
Addison was very clear the night before; their problems were not related to Derek Shepherd.
XX
"…Do you remember Derek Shepherd being a pain in the ass back in Med School?" Sam walked in to Naomi's office as soon as he noticed that she didn't have any patient at the moment, his ex-wife however, wasn't expecting to have that conversation, but it didn't surprise her either.
"I swear that if I'd get a dollar each time someone in this place asks me about Derek…" Naomi rolled her eyes, unimpressed on Sam's reaction and already tired of the conversation that hasn't even started.
"What do you mean? Who else is asking you about him?" Sam took a seat in front of her, on the contrary of his ex-wife, he did seem more invested into that subject. But then again, Addison had said more than once that Derek wasn't the reason of their breaking point, if that was the case, then why did he feel this great amount of anger about the simple thought of Derek being there?
"Oh, no. I'm not saying anything else. I told your girlfriend that I wouldn't get in the middle of it, and that means that I won't say any opinion I might or might not have about Derek Shepherd being here. Besides, just like her, he is also my friend, and unlike most of you, I do appreciate old friendships, you know? So, if that's why you're here, or if you came here to complain about him, you're in the wrong place, Samuel."
Sam on the other hand, wasn't satisfied with that answer, and of course he wouldn't leave the office without getting Naomi's views on that subject.
"They've been working together; you know?" Sam crossed his arms, expecting any clue or at least a helpful word from Naomi, but instead, she shook her head for Sam's disappointment.
"Aren't you and Derek working together too? As far as I know that's why he's here, isn't he? He's helping the Neuro department, which means he will need to work with other surgeons, which includes you and your girlfriend." Naomi explained just as she would to her granddaughter, maybe that way, Sam will understand that she didn't want to get on the middle of it.
For Naomi it seemed like the more she wanted to be excluded from Sam and Addison's relationship, the closer she got. Especially when the kiss they've shared when Addison was with her family in Connecticut had been not so long ago. Which is why she was determined to keep her distance from them, even when both of them were making it very hard to do it.
"Yes, but… They are also spending a lot of time together, I saw them talking and laughing earlier." Again, Sam tried to defend his point, being honest, he didn't want any opinion from his ex-wife, he just wanted to hear that he was right by being worried, but Naomi wasn't giving him that courtesy.
"So do we, you're here now talking to me, don't you? That doesn't mean there's something going on between us." And she was right, between them there was nothing going on, because even though they have kissed recently while Addison was away, they were both convinced that it wasn't supposed to mean more than what it was, they were married for a long period of time, a kiss wasn't supposed to mean anything at that point, which is how they decided to deal with that.
"You know it is different, Naomi."
"How so? They got together in Med School, got married and then got divorced. We got together in Med School, got married and then got divorced. The way I see it, it's exactly the same."
For a moment, Sam was quiet, Naomi might be right, but still for him felt different.
"Well, we… We've never hated each other, we never cheated… We have Maya and Olivia. It's not the same, Nai. Say whatever you want, but they never had what we had." Sam defended his point this time, and for some parts, he was right, because even though they might have shared more things than Addison and Derek, that wasn't why he was arguing about. "What I'm trying to say is that no, you can't compare."
"All I am trying to say is that they are as over as we are." Naomi made her point more obvious, but somewhere deep down she asked herself if they were really as over as she was claiming. "I know you're worried, which is why you're here trying to get some information from me, but all I see is that they're working together… Before you realize, he'll be back to Seattle, back to his girlfriend or wife, or whatever he has these days… You know him as much as I do, which means that you know that he is not Mark Sloan, he won't have Addison sleeping with him on the floor of her office at the end of the day."
Yes, Naomi was right, Derek was definitely not Mark Sloan but for Sam, he was worst, because he knew that he had been Addison's greatest love, he had been there to see it and even though they didn't share the same things that he had with Naomi, they did also have a longer relationship, not only that, they were Columbia's golden couple, and that nickname even followed them during their residency. Sure, things between Addison and Derek ended worse than for him and Naomi, but that didn't mean that what they once shared wasn't still there.
"I hope that you're right and that I'm wrong." He simply added, without saying anything else that was on his mind.
XX
Derek and Addison were heading together to the practice, because while trying to be professional around him, she even offered to be his ride, that's something she would usually do with the other doctors from the practice, why should things be different with Derek? She was trying to be "peaceful" instead of the Queen of Passive-Aggressive.
For a brief moment, she thought about the last time they've shared a car ride, it was probably back in Seattle, yes, it was during those dreadful events of the hospital's prom, the day when their marriage finally exploded and went far beyond fixing, not that they were even trying to fix it properly. Well, she was trying, Derek on the other hand, had very different opinions about what "working on their marriage" meant.
Maybe I asked for too much?
Sure, looking retrospectively she was aware that she should've given up, since the moment she arrived to Seattle, she had known that the Derek that she fell in love with all those years ago, the one who loved her more than any other thing in the world had disappeared, he became a completely different person, but so did she, and that was what a marriage was supposed to be about, right? Compromise even though things change, they were supposed to be there for each other.
Still, somehow she was proud of that chapter of her life, because she fought for love, and even though she failed, she knew that she had tried her best.
However, that didn't mean that the thought of those days weren't any less hurtful.
FLASHBACK 2005
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON
Derek agreed to take her back only if she moved to Seattle, which she did without hesitation, it took her only a couple of weeks to more her entire practice to a new unfamiliar city where she didn't know anyone besides her husband and where the rest of her colleagues consider her as the wicked witch from the west, or even as "Satan", but in any case, being there was an improvement because her marriage was worth it, she couldn't just put an end to it because they've both made mistakes, and even though both of them had affairs and relationships with other people, Addison knew that she was being the one being punished for it, which deep down she was convinced that she deserved every sign of indifference coming from her husband.
Well, maybe this time, she was getting more that she deserved? There were some signs for her to walk away, but then again, she was determined to work on her marriage… Now her husband, was a complete different situation.
During their first thanksgiving together in Seattle, Addison had made a reservation on a fancy hotel room, she had everything planned, she had even gotten Derek's favorite meals from a New Yorker restaurant she had found downtown in the city, she had made the order about a week before to have everything ready, and even though they had agreed to meet to catch the ferryboat together, Addison spent hours waiting, with not a single answer from him despite her efforts to make the night unforgettable, by the sundown she knew that Derek's indifference meant that their plans were cancelled. That's why she decided to go to his trailer alone and wait for him there, and even then, he didn't show up until very late at night, and still, Addison was thankful he showed up, because even the slightest attempt to see him trying to save their marriage was enough for her.
That was the first of many warnings where she should have just call it quits, then there was Christmas.
Oh God, Christmas was the worst.
That was supposed to be their season, back in New York they used to spend days deciding the Christmas gifts they would get for their families, Addison had always been close to the Shepherds and as the family grew, choosing gifts would take them days. But apparently in Seattle, things were different, because each time that she tried to bring that subject up she kept getting constantly ignored… And then, when he finally showed up, then it was only to admit that he was in love with another woman, and he would rather to be with her.
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like your husband saying that he loves another woman.
Despite that dreadful night, and the sleepless nights following that encounter, she didn't want to give up, that's not how eleven years of marriage are supposed to end, not even when Mark Sloan showed up and asked her to go back to New York with him, because at that point, Addison only wanted Derek, after all, they were AddisonAndDerek, and they weren't supposed to quit.
And even thought there were some other series of events in which Addison could've easily walked away, at some point at the time, things even seemed to improve a little bit, Derek admitted that he was indifferent back in New York and at some point they weren't even fighting anymore… But that was just the calm before the storm.
Then the so-called Prom Night arrived, Derek asked her to go with him, which was expected as they were husband and wife, and even so, Addison was over the moon because if they were able to survive that night, then it meant that her efforts were not in vain and that their marriage was still worth fighting for.
As soon as he asked her to be his date, Addison started planning everything for that night, she left the hospital early to get herself a new dress and to fix her hair, she didn't have a good experience during her first (and only) prom but this one was supposed to be different, she will be there with her husband by her hand, showing that despite of everything they were still together, and that was a reason enough to celebrate.
"Addison, if you take any longer we will be late, and I don't think Richard would appreciate that." Derek shouted while he waited for Addison outside of the trailer, she had made him wait outside, not only because the place was so small that they could barely fit in there, but also because she wanted him to really look at her this time once she was ready.
"Just one minute, I promise." Addison replied from inside, she was finishing her make-up, she wanted to look perfect, not even only for Derek but also for herself, there has been a lot going on at the hospital lately and she knew that she deserved one moment for her. It took her about ten more minutes to finally leave the trailer, a huge smile showed up on her face as soon as she saw her husband still waiting for her. "Sorry for keeping you waiting." She was hoping for him to tell her how great she was looking that evening, years ago he would never have stopped talking about how much he loved the fact that Addison always looked flawless on each event they were invited, but as many things, now it was different, now this Derek couldn't even notice her or even make a compliment.
Derek barely even looked at her, and simply nodded. "Sure, let's go." He said while making his way to the car, he didn't even turn back to see her, it felt as he was once again walking away. It was right in that moment, when Addison knew that Derek wanting to go to the prom wasn't about her, but then again, lately, nothing was because of her.
It was after Derek's reaction when she thought that going to that Prom was not a good idea, all that excitement, the planning and her preparations, everything in that moment seemed hopeless, and certainly the evening itself won't be the improvement that she was hoping for, on the contrary, it was when she understood that she couldn't take it anymore.
She wanted to break down on tears, but then again, she was a Forbes Montgomery, and they don't cry in public, which is why she kept her head high and kept it together.
"You're more quiet than usual." Derek mentioned at some point of the car ride to the hospital, that evening the road seemed longer than other times, where they always that far or was it only his indifference that was making it the longest ride she had ever taken.
You've been quiet for over a year, what difference does it make? She wanted to add, but keeping silence was a better choice.
"It's Richard's niece… She – She deserves a good prom; you know? Many girls dream about that day, to wear a good dress, having their partner dancing close to them, spending the night together and… Let's say it isn't fair that she isn't getting the Prom that she deserves." And even though the situation did apply to Richard's niece, she wasn't exactly talking about her.
"Don't overreact, I think she will be just fine with what she's getting." Derek answered uninterested, not even caring about what did she really mean, his own concerns were far behind Richard's niece or even very far from his own wife.
"I am not overreacting, Derek… She deserves more than that. She deserves the perfect night that she dreamed of." Of course that's what Addison wanted, she was hoping for her husband to at least say something about her dress, to take her to dance and then spend the night together, but at this point, she wasn't expecting anything anymore. "It just isn't fair; you know? Sometimes I guess we expect too much."
"Whatever, I'm sure she'll be fine."
That comment made Addison roll her eyes and take a deep breath, she preferred to look over the car window, the evening didn't even start and she already wanted it to end. That definitely wasn't how she was picturing that night.
No much longer after that brief conversation, the ride was in complete silence, neither Addison or Derek said a single word until they finally arrived to the hospital; he had been too busy thinking about Meredith and wondering if the Vet was joining her as her date, the last worry on his mind was the woman right next to him and how he had just crushed all the expectations that she had for them.
"Are you staying on the car? Or are you coming with me?" Derek asked right after he parked the car in front of the hospital.
Addison looked at him, almost begging him for him to say anything else, to say that he was looking forward to spend the prom with her, that he had been pretending this whole time and he was actually looking forward to share that evening with her, but those were only Addison's thoughts, as usual nowadays, there was only silence.
"I – Uh… I will just fix my lipstick and I'll join you inside."
"Sure, as you wish."
Derek didn't refute, he only nodded and left the car, even though both of them knew at that point that things wouldn't go back to normal, Addison was still hoping for a small change, any sign that would say that the past months weren't just a self-attornment she had to live, but little did she know, that long and awkward ride to the hospital's prom night, was their last car ride together as husband and wife, because after the events that took place that night, they were finally really over.
END OF THE FLASHBACK
"Addison? Are you listening to what I'm saying?" Somehow, Derek's voice brought her back to reality, once they had already arrived to the practice and were walking towards the building.
"Yes, you were asking for how long I've been treating Nora, she's a patient from the practice. She was one of Nai's patients, and as soon as she got pregnant, she came to me." Addison explained briefly, she was still being distracted by her thoughts, maybe being a "normal" colleague around Derek wouldn't work as easily as she thought, not when the tiny box where he was being hid after the divorce had been opened. That was the only explanation that she could come up to justify her sudden thoughts about her time with Derek in Seattle.
"So, that's what all of you mean when you talk about cooperative medicine? You get to see each other's patients and move them around from one specialty to another?" Derek asked curious, because he had never worked in a Private Practice like the one Addison was running, and even though the concept wasn't so interesting for him, it was still a good "professional" topic of conversation, besides it was easier to talk about how does the practice run, than keep having those awkward conversations about Sam and Addison's relationship.
While they were walking, Derek opened the door for her before entering the building, right after, they headed straight to the elevator. Even though he was against that concept of working, he was starting to get used to that place, it was definitely a big change for what they were both used to.
"That's one way to say it. But yes, with Nora for example, she started being Violet's patient, then she started the fertility treatment with Nai, after that, I was checking the pregnancy, Amelia was dealing with the Hydrocephalus, once Spence is born, he will be Cooper's patient… And you see how it goes. All of us, we help each other with the patient care, I know, it is completely different to what we're used to, but believe me, the whole concept grows on you".
She explained while the elevator doors closed on them, one thing she could say about Derek was that he was not only a great surgeon, but his ego was even greater than his medical skills, which is why she understood that the idea of Cooperative Medicine wouldn't work for him, he liked to have all the credit for his own accomplishments, and maybe so did she, but working at the practice was the change she was looking for.
"I don't know, I mean, it does sound like a good approach to have all your doctors together and being focused on each individual patient, but we're surgeons, Addie. We're meant to cut; we belong inside the O.R"
For him stepping down from being a full time surgeon wasn't an appealing idea, or maybe he just hasn't gotten the chance to consider other options, but what he knew for certain is that he loved being in control and fix the impossible in the O.R.
"Which is why we're also working with St. Ambrosse. I haven't quitted surgery and I don't think I'll ever will, you know me better than that, Derek."
"I don't know, I would have never expected you to walk out from running a department on a hospital like Mount Sinai or Seattle Grace, I've always pictured you like the next Vivian Carlsmith."
She smiled about the mention of her mentor, and maybe he was right, if she had stayed in New York or even in Seattle, she would have taken a bigger role for being the mentor figure for younger doctors, considering how much Vivian or even Richard Webber meant to her and her medical career, but right now, she was in a good place balancing her time between the practice and the hospital.
"And now, you're starting to sound like Vivian herself." She answered Derek with a light smile on her face, and he would have added something else if it wasn't because the doors opened right in the middle of their conversation, and as it could be expected, they met a familiar face before they could even leave the elevator.
"Sam!" Addison announced with an awkward smile, even though there was absolutely nothing happening, being there with both of them in front of Sam, after the conversation that they had the night before, where their relationship was left hanging on a thread, it was just weird.
Is it too late to run back to the hospital?
Derek, on the other hand, forced a smile to greet his friend… Because they were still supposed to be friends even though he was fucking his wife, right?
Damn it, ex-wife.
"Addie." Sam leaned to Addison and kissed her cheek, just like Derek used to do back when they were married, and of course, this didn't go unnoticed by the neurosurgeon. "I was about to go to the hospital, just got a call from the E.R, I was hoping to meet you there."
"Yeah, well… I – We are just coming back from there, we operated on Nora Walker, she and Spence are fine now." Addison explained, she wasn't even sure why she was telling Sam about that specific patient, since probably he had no idea about her, but of course, he did care about the fact that both Addison and Derek were working together.
"Spence?" Sam asked confused, still keeping his sight on Addison, as if there wasn't someone next to her.
Of course he doesn't know. Does he even pay attention to the patients? Of course, he only pays attention to the hot redheads around him, especially those who are his wife's best friends… Or those who were married to me.
"That's Nora's baby name. She prefers that we use his own name." Derek added with a victorious smile, he wasn't even sure if he was part of the conversation, but after seeing Sam kissing Addison in front of him, he didn't want to go unnoticed. "Nice to see you, Sam."
"Yeah, nice to see you too, Derek…" Sam turned back to Addison. "Wasn't she one of Amelia's patients?" He tried to guess, surely he remembered something about that specific patient, but his biggest question was why did Derek had to take her.
However, before Addison could even say something, Derek was the one who stepped in and replied Sam's question. "You can ask me that directly, you know? Amelia wasn't available at the time that Addison paged, and well… I guess I'm the best neurosurgeon around and Charlotte does like to keep me busy."
"Apparently not busy enough." Sam added rolling his eyes, being fair they have barely interacted after what happened during Luke's surgery and there was still very much tension around them. "Otherwise you wouldn't be making excuses to spend time here at the practice."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek asked rhetorically.
"Come on, Derek. We all know that any neurosurgeon could take those patients, you've said it yourself, you're the best out there, why do you even…"
Derek didn't let him finish.
"You're right, I'm the best out there, which is why I have to make sure that my patients get the best treatment medicine can offer, not that I owe you an explanation, but Luke Holloway deserves the best and…"
Sam would have continued if it wasn't because Addison cut him off immediately, putting an end to what started to look like the second round between the two doctors.
"Enough, both of you. We're in a workplace and there are patients on the waiting room, you…" She turned to Sam this time. "You just got paged to the hospital, didn't you? You don't keep your patients waiting. And you…" This time she looked at Derek. "You're here to see one of Amelia's patients, that's all."
"You're right, Addie. I don't have time for this. I'll see you tonight." Before getting into the elevator, Sam kissed Addison once again, this time being a quick peck on the lips, which caught Addison as a surprise, they weren't exactly on good terms, and now suddenly he was acting like that?
Unbelievable.
"See you, Derek."
Of course, that gesture made Derek roll his eyes, he also felt how a sudden anger was starting to take control of his body, so much that he had to take a deep breath keep his composure.
Maybe you do care more than you think.
"I believe you know the way to Amelia's office." That was all that Addison could say after Sam finally left. Things were finally being "civil" between her and Derek, and just one look at Sam and they were just back where they started. With both of them being angry at Sam, and also at each other.
Addison made her way to her office instead, but Derek followed her by walking right next to her.
"Was he always like that? And I'm seriously asking, because the last time I saw him he was still a good friend. Damn, he was one of my best friends. I even drove him to get Naomi's engagement ring, what did ever happen to that guy?"
"Derek, we're not talking about Sam." She tried to cut him off, but this time Derek was not giving up, which is why he kept following her to her office, even closing the door behind him once they were both in, being finally on a closed area where their conversation couldn't be interrupted.
"Why not? You two are together, and we are colleagues, we're friends. We should be able to talk about it." The tone of his voice was bitter, he didn't even know why Sam Bennet was making him act like that.
"No, right now, Derek, you're my ex-husband. As much as we're trying to be polite, to be civil, there are some things that we can't change. Now can you just leave my office? I don't remember inviting you in."
"And now you're back to be the same person who doesn't want me around." Derek laugh ironically. "I don't know what was expecting, thinking that you and I could actually work together like grown adults. Thinking that we were a good team."
Yeah, you and me both made that same mistake, Derek, there was a time when I believed that we were going to be able to work together too. Just not on the same sense that you're referring to.
"Oh, come on. We're a good team, Nora and Spence surely agree, we saved their lives… But you know what would be even better than that? If you just go back to Seattle and stay away from this place, my place. I can't deal with you and Sam starting schoolyard fights each time you see each other."
Just in that moment, before Derek could even say something else, their "conversation" got interrupted by his phone ringing. He quickly checked the screen and rejected the call, it was from Seattle but he ignored it, just like he had been doing over the past days whenever he was receiving that same phone call.
Addison noticed that and rolled her eyes, was that what he did back when she was the one calling him?
You would know if you bothered to return any of my phone calls. – That was what she said the first time that she arrived to Seattle, when she found him and Meredith at the hospital lobby.
"Go ahead, take that call. Believe me, they won't be interrupting anything. You will be doing me a favor if you just take it and go away for once."
Derek returned his phone to his pocket and shook his head. "It can wait." He simply answered.
"Whatever, now, as you know, I am very busy and I'm sure you are too, so you can leave my office and wait for that patient on Amelia's office which is across the hall." Addison approached to the door to open it, maybe that way he will understand that she didn't want him there.
"Wait, there's just one thing I want to know and I promise I won't bother you and your boyfriend anymore while I'm here…" Derek sighed after saying that, Addison on her side only nodded and closed the door again.
"Fine, what do you want to know?" In that moment, once again, she wished that she had something like Naomi and her chocolates to deal with those awkward situations, maybe the red wine was her thing, but having a bottle on her office wouldn't be her brightest choice.
"Was it worth it?" Derek didn't even have to put more context into that sentence, both of them just knew what he was referring to.
There isn't enough wine in earth to have this kind of conversation with an ex-husband.
"Was it worth it for you? Being with Meredith and getting your happy ending with a younger woman?" She wasn't going to talk about how messy her relationship with Sam was, if Derek wanted to play that game, of course she would follow it.
"You know that's not the same." Derek looked down at the mention of Meredith, until now Addison hasn't brought her up in any of their conversations, unlike him who kept bringing the "Sam" topic each time he could. "It's actually very different."
Both are different situations. First of all, Meredith wasn't a close friend married to Addison's best friend. Well, there was only that, but still it was very different.
"How so? You keep asking about my relationship, you keep picking up fights with Sam each time you see him… You're right, it's not the same because unlike you, I am not doing any of that with your… Is it girlfriend? Or is it wife these days?"
With those two it was hard to keep track, not that she even cares to keep it or to even ask about it, but Derek was definitely at the top of her nerves at that moment.
"As simple as saying that she wasn't our old friend from Med School, she wasn't someone I trusted, and mostly, she certainly didn't help me writing my vows when I was getting married to you. That's the big difference."
No, she wasn't going to move the conversation to be about Meredith, it was supposed to be about Sam, or not even that, it was supposed to be about them, about him being jealous of Sam Bennett even though those words would never leave his lips.
"Damn it, Derek why do you even care? You have your life all set together. You don't get a say about my life, you don't even get an opinion, you said it yourself, that's one of the many perks of being divorced. That means that you need to stay out of my life just like I stay out of yours, that means that the sooner you return to Seattle, then the sooner all of this will be over."
Why was he making this so hard? They were supposed to work together and continue with their life instead of being there fighting about… Why were they even fighting about?
"Fine, let's say that I'll return to Seattle on the next available flight. Then what? Are you going to walk with Sam to the sunset hand by hand and live happily ever after while raising a bunch of babies? Is that why you want me to leave as soon as possible? You say that I shouldn't care about what you do, and I don't… But what about Naomi? Do you think she's okay seeing you two every day? I've been here for less than a week and let me tell you, it doesn't get any easier."
Definitely not with a bunch of babies, not even with one. But of course you don't even know that I'm barren or that Sam couldn't care any less about wanting to have a baby with me.
"You know what? I don't have to listen to you. You don't get a say here, you don't get a say on my life, not when you were the first to rush things up to have a relationship while we were still married. Not while I've spent years picking up the pieces that you left." Addison had raised her tone, she was trying to avoid that, but Derek surely knew how to make her lose her control easily. "You were the first one to move on and I accepted it, I made my peace with it and I even kept my distance because deep down, I knew that you were happier and that's supposed to be enough when you love someone… So, no, Derek, you don't get a say on what I do or how I am moving on after you."
"When you love someone" that was a daring choice of words, she wondered if that came out wrongfully, or even worst, she wondered if she really meant it.
"Well, maybe I do get a say here since you're doing one of our closest friends… Again." He was raising his voice too, and even though he knew he was being out of line again, that didn't stop him from continue his argument, he couldn't just keep his mouth shut about his feelings towards that relationship. "Same friend who happens to be your best friend's ex-husband. Damn it, Addison, when I first heard about you and Sam, I thought that it was just Mark trying to be funny, but then, when I realized that he was being serious... All I'm saying is that it is as bizarre as sleeping with your husband's best friend."
He did not just bring up my affair with Mark Sloan.
"Why do even you care?" She raised her voice again, she had certainly forgotten how frustrating Derek could get sometimes. "I thought you were desperate to erase the almost 15 years that we spent together. Even I would swear that for the last couple of years of our marriage, you did a good damn job erasing the fact that you had a wife. Now, out of nowhere, you suddenly care about who I decide to sleep with? No, you don't get to say anything about it, you don't get to judge me, not when you were the one who didn't even care about the fact that you had a wife and literally removed me from your life, and in case you've forgotten about that, I'll try my best to recap how did things end between us. Believe me, it didn't end well."
"Damn it, Addison, of course I remember it all too well."
"Do you? Because it doesn't seem like it, the Derek I divorced wouldn't even care if I slept with the whole department, he only wanted a way out of his marriage to Satan, he wanted to be free and happy with his new paramour. He didn't even care if I was there, if I had to live in a trailer in the middle of the woods after leaving a Brownstone in Manhattan only to make a fool of myself by believing that our marriage would actually work or believing that we were actually giving it a real chance, he didn't even care if I was excited to go to a Hospital Prom with him, because he was too focused on his mistress, and that's only the cherry on the top… Let's not mention all the times I felt ignored or mistreated because even though deep down, I knew I deserve most of it, what you did to me was just…" She wasn't able to keep mentioning her feelings towards that year of her life, and of course she wasn't planning to start crying about those memories, she had done that a lot on the past. "…Maybe I asked for too much… But anyway, that's how well I remember those days. Maybe for you it was different, but for me… I guess we see things differently… What I want to say with all of this, is that I walked away and left it all behind…"
Derek kept silence for one moment, sure, they were arguing but he wasn't expecting that Addison would bring up how she felt during that time, now he didn't only feel like an idiot, but he knew that she was right.
"…Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted Seattle and to never see me again. I gave you that, I made a life far from you in a new city because I can't function with you being around all the time, not with you being at the practice, being friendly with my friends. No, Derek, leaving you was one of the hardest things I've done and... I already walked away from you, the least you can do is to respect that."
As much as she was avoiding it, a tear fell from her eyes and she hated herself for that, out of all the days, she had to be a mess in front of Derek. In that moment, she was regretting for saying everything that was on her mind, she was supposed to look like the bigger person, as if she was having her life together instead of still being hurt by the memories of their failed marriage.
Derek was close to her, maybe closer than both of them intended, he felt anger at himself, not only because Addison's words were painful but also because of those memories, those last months of marriage, of course at the time he was convinced that he had tried but he knew that he had hurt her probably like no one else had done it. How was that he didn't notice back then? He had promised to protect her and to take care of her, and yet, he was the one who ended up hurting her.
The best thing he could do was to run his hand through Addison's face, weeping off the tears from her eyes, it was right there when they made eye contact, there weren't any words needed to know what they were both thinking.
Derek got closer to her, not breaking their eye contact at any moment, their gaze was as strong as the feelings that she had just admitted, those repressed memories were out now, and still that look was as truthful as her words, he wanted to make her feel better and show her that he wasn't that guy who hurt her, not anymore.
Addison nodded slightly on approval which lead to the inevitable and the only way to put an end to that conversation, for the first time in many years, their lips found their way to each other, back to where they used to belong.
Maybe time stopped when his lips met hers, but the flutter only intensified. Addison's heart pounded in her chest as her knees got weaker. She could only focus on how soft he felt against her mouth, how addictively he invaded all her senses. She wasn't able to think, not with him around, and especially not in that brief moment.
It still wasn't clear if she was dreaming about this instant, because not even in her wildest dream Addison would have thought she would end up kissing Derek again, and still she felt that same emotion as she did the first time, it felt like coming back home after many years of being lost and now, she was back to where she belonged.
Derek kept his eyes half open, sneaking a guilty peek at her every time he came back for air, just to make sure this wasn't a product of his imagination. If anything, the warm feeling of her breath, although destabilizing, was inviting. This time around he draped both arms around Addison's small frame, keeping her even closer to him and met her lips again halfway.
The kiss would have lasted longer, God, they both wanted it to last longer than it did, because once their lips were together, all those memories came back, this time not the bad ones, but the ones that made them the great couple that they once were, for that brief moment they felt like those young med students who fell in love between classes.
"Addie, I've heard some noises coming from here and I was wondering if you knew anything about… Oh, God."
That was until Amelia opened the door, which for her seemed like she had opened a portal to the past, where this situation was very common each time she visited her brother and his wife, now things weren't that different, except for the fact that now they weren't husband and wife anymore, and they were supposed to be hating each other.
"Amy… I…" Derek tried to say something, but there wasn't any excuse that would justify him for having Addison's lipstick all over him, or the fact that Addison was still on his arms. Addison on her side, didn't say a single word, instead she let go of his arms and stayed right behind him, there was just no way to deny what had just happened.
"No, no. I didn't see anything, it's not the first time this happens. You two just… Keep doing what you're doing… Just please lock the door, I am sure the rest of the people here won't appreciate to see it… But of course, that would mean that something happened, which it didn't… And… I'm leaving now."
Amelia closed the door behind her, leaving Addison and Derek alone again, he looked back to meet her eyes again, how was he supposed to continue his day after that kiss, should they pretend that it didn't happen? Or he couldn't help but wonder, if Amelia hadn't walked in, what would have happened?
"Derek?" Addison said softly, once the initial shock had passed, even though her cheeks were still burning read, however she wasn't sure if it was because of Amelia walking in on them, or because of that kiss... No, there was no denying, it was definitely because of the kiss. Derek wasn't expecting her to say anything else, or at least he was guessing that she would ask him to leave.
"Yes, Addie?" In that moment he just wanted to hold her closer, just like they were just few minutes ago. "Look, I know... I... I'll talk to Amy... I... This was..."
"No, Derek- You... Stop talking... You need to clean up, my lipstick… It is all over your face." She handed him the box of Kleenex that was on the top of her desk, she will surely have something to say, or at least something better regarding that kiss, but at the time, she wasn't able to think properly, because in that moment, her only thought was about Derek's lips on hers and how she had just realized that she missed that feeling. "You… You shouldn't leave my office looking like that."
Oh God, what have we done?
A/N: Sooo, that happened. What do you guys think? Please (please?) review and tell me what do you think about the story so far, as excited as I am for writing this, I would like to know what you're thinking, that would definitely help me to keep writing this.
I haven't yet started the next chapter, but I promise I'll try my best to keep the weekly updates.