A/N: Well, it's been a while since the last update of this fic, at first I really tried to keep weekly updates, then they became monthly and now I don't even know how long it's been since the last one. I haven't forgotten about this story, I still have all the chapters drafted, but adult life gets busy, which it sucks but I will keep updating this fic whenever I get some free time. Anyway, I hope you guys are still interested on this story, personally I enjoyed writing this chapter, it's a long one, I hope that makes it up for the long wait, it's always nice to get back into writing addek after a while, in this chapter you'll see a lot of Addison and Derek talking about their relationship and their insecurities.

I also wanted to include a quote from one of my favorite books because I think it summarizes perfectly the idea I had for this chapter. Same as the tittle that I chose which is from the same book. Oh, and thanks to those who keep reviewing this story, it means a lot that you're enjoying it.

HEARTBREAK IS A LOSS, DIVORCE IS A PIECE OF PAPER

"People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy."

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, Taylor Jenkins Reid.

The day of the surgery for Luke Holloway had finally arrived, the patient had responded positively and he was strong enough to have his long awaited procedure; the nurses, interns and residents working on the case had done their part while the surgeons were getting ready to start it up. Every person involved in that surgery, except for the patient who was already unconscious on the table, could feel the tension between both surgeons in charge of the case. As much as St. Ambrose wasn't anything like the Seattle Grace, there were still some things in which they had many similarities, the gossip spreading fast was unfortunately one of them. Some of the nurses had even started a bet on which one of them would lose their temper first during the upcoming surgery, the bets were on Sam's favor, since Derek was still a stranger to all of them.

While this was happening, Sam and Derek were too focused on their common patient to even notice what the nurses were doing, besides they haven't even had a proper conversation from the past couple of days, not that any of them were looking forward to it, but since Derek had seen him and Naomi the other day, things started to change really quickly. Suddenly, Sam wasn't being the pain in the ass he had been since Derek's arrival, on the contrary, they would greet each other at the practice as the colleagues that they were, not like the friends they used to be, but at least they were not starting arguments anymore. This change didn't go unnoticed by Derek, he knew that the only reason of it was for him to keep his mouth shut, but if that was the price to be able to actually have a quiet day, then he didn't care.

During those couple of days, and thanks to Sam being distant to both of them, Derek and Addison had been getting closer, they knew how to keep it professional at the practice, but once the working hours were over, Derek would go to her place and spend the night with her, this time with none of them walking away in the morning.

It wasn't until the morning before the surgery, while they were getting ready on Addison's bedroom to start up their day, when she kept asking him about what was his plan for the procedure and what was going to be his approach, that was a small ritual that she always enjoyed during her time married to him, they would discuss their cases and would listen each other's opinions about it, and to this day, Addison would like to think that those conversations were part of their journey to become the world-class surgeons that they were.

"…All I know is that I promised that man that he would have a life to live next to his family and I'm not willing to let go of that promise, Addie." Derek added after summarizing to his ex-wife the surgery he was performing along with Sam. "There's no room for mistakes, not this time. If Sam loses it, I don't know how much Luke could…" He was about to continue, but a very curious Addison interrupted him.

"Why would he lose it this time?" She asked curiously, sure they were broken up and she had seen the way that he was acting around Derek, but they weren't teenagers, they were more than capable to keep their personal lives far from their work, especially in a case like Luke's. "Look, I know that things have been complicated between all of us over the past few weeks and probably we're not his favorite people right now, but we know him well enough to know that he will do his best for the patient, don't you think?"

Addison didn't expect Derek to answer her question, he assumed it was just a rhetorical one, which is why his only answer was to shrug his shoulders.

Well, he might lose it because he has a thing going on with Naomi and he's afraid that I'll tell you about it, but who am I to judge? I won't blame him for not being able to keep his hands off his ex-wife when I keep doing the same with mine.

That would have been Derek's answer but still, it was better to keep it on his thoughts.

"What I'm trying to say is that yes, it's a risked procedure, Luke and his family are aware of that, but they're still taking the chance with you. Let's face it, any surgeon would walk away after seeing the risks of that surgery, damn it, Sam wouldn't have even seen the case if you weren't involved. But as I said, you're not just any surgeon. You're the kind of doctor who is willing to take those risks and turn them into actual miracles…" She stopped for a brief second as soon as she saw that smile on Derek's face, the one that she had fell for many times. "…I've seen you do miracles before, for God sakes, I stand on what I said when you did Archer's surgery, you've been a God and walked on water, and that right there why they chose you to do the surgery. They didn't choose Sam or any other surgeon. They believe that if someone can keep his promise and make it work, that's you."

Addison encouraged him while she helped him to button up his shirt, just like she used to do all those years ago, even after the divorce, she had always admired Derek as a surgeon and that never really changed. From time to time, she would read about Derek's surgeries or reports on any medical journal and a smile would appear on her face.

During the time that Addison was talking and handling his shirt, the smile on his face kept growing while his bright blue eyes wouldn't lose her sight for a single second. "I almost forgot how supportive you are, Addie."

And damn, she was good at being supportive, so much that Derek stopped thinking about everything that was troubling him regarding that surgery, and as natural as he would do it during their marriage, he closed his words with a quick peck on Addison's lips. "Thanks for that" Derek whispered against his ex-wife's lips.

"Glad to keep your memory fresh." Addison smiled, at this point she knew that they were both playing with fire by being not only together but also failing at their first agreement of just sex, nothing else. There were a lot of things left unsaid between them, but why would they break the reality during that perfect morning? One where they've woken up next to each other after a long evening together and had proven that their intimacy was still intact. They were still able to be there for each other, to listen to one another and understand what's going on though each other's mind even when there are words unsaid.

There are many things that even a divorce can't simply erase.

Addison thought just before they would share another kiss and part on different ways.

"I'll make some time to see you at the gallery. Maybe I'll even carry some good juju." Addison added while he walked way, once again this made him smile, those little things that Addison used to do gave him even more confidence, not that he needed more of it, he had always been the most confident person and surgeon in the room, but knowing that he had her support meant even more, especially in days like that. Derek made his way to his rented car, which was parked on Amelia's spot, that day as the past others, she was once again spending the night in another place different that Addison's house, maybe she had started to date someone, Derek wondered but while she wasn't there, then he was allowed to be closer to Addison without having his sister on the next room.

xx

Just minutes before the surgery started, Derek and Sam were scrubbing in together, washing his hands next to each other, accompanied with a long and awkward silence and completely ignoring the rest of the people involved in the surgery have their eyes on them, but Derek Shepherd was more focused on keeping a clear environment during the surgery than anything else on his surroundings.

"Look, I know the past couple of weeks have been hard and we didn't exactly start on the right foot this time but… I need to know that once we walk into that O.R we'll leave out of it any personal issue going on between us." Derek broke the silence getting Sam's complete attention.

"I am aware of it, as a surgeon, you know that…" Sam was about to excuse himself to get out of that talk, but Derek wouldn't let him finish.

"Let's cut off the crap, Sam. If there's anything that you need to say to me, something that's bothering you, then now it's the time, not while your hands are on my patient's heart." Derek explained firmly. He wasn't willing to take another risk, he wouldn't break the promise he made to the family and certainly, we wouldn't leave the O.R with bad news to share.

Sam took the chance and quickly grumbled. "So, did you tell Addison about what you saw the other day?"

The nerve this guy has. Why focusing on a man's life when he can keep focusing on himself? Whatever, I gave him the chance to speak out.

"It's not my place to mention anything to anyone. I'm guessing that if you'd want her to find out, then you would talk to her by yourself." Derek snorted. "Was that all? Or is there anything else you want to discuss before you open that men's chest?" He sighed, at that moment, he hated the fact that he had chosen Sam for that case, with any other cardiothoracic surgeon there wouldn't be any kind of complications, neither medical or personal.

"How about you and Addison? What's going on?"

Is he being serious? God, what did Addison even see on this guy? I wouldn't take her for someone who deals with this kind of crap.

But then another thought, or even a reminder popped on Derek's mind.

Though I did put her through a lot of crap during our last year of our marriage.

"We're spending time together of that's what you're curious about, there's nothing else to say besides that we're close friends, we're very good friends, actually." Technically, that's exactly what Addison kept saying to refer to whatever they had been going on over the past days, they were old friends reconnecting with each other. "But then again, you can talk to her directly if you wanna know any update on her life."

If only that man's life wasn't on your hands, then maybe I would be more specific, surely your reaction would be better than this conversation.

"That's clear. Now, can we stop with the dumb questions game and actually save this man's life?" Sam sneered as he left the scrubbing area. As he walked into the O.R he noticed that at least five doctors were watching from the gallery, among those it was impossible not to notice the redhead holding what it seemed to be a Starbucks cup and it wasn't until Derek showed up that he noticed a soft smile on her face, a smile that not so long ago it was only reserved for him.

As soon as Derek was ready to start, he also noticed Addison looking from the gallery, they only exchanged a quick glance that could have been unnoticed if Sam's wouldn't be paying attention to both of them, it was in that moment when he realized it, they didn't need to admit it, it was all there. There was definitely something going on between Derek and Addison.

"Okay, everybody. It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun."

This time around the surgery turned out to be completely different than the first time, everyone in the O.R was just hoping for Sam or Derek to have a confrontation like the last time they worked together, even in the gallery, during the few minutes that Addison was stood there, she heard people wondering if the patient would make it out alive this time if the doctors were to lose their temper. The air was filled with tension, both doctors would only talk to each other to refer to their next steps in the surgery, they were both so focused this time that by the end of the procedure, the rest of the people looked a bit disappointed that nothing had happened.

"Well, we've done it. Thanks to all of you for your help, please keep me updated on his progress, I'll go talk to the family." Derek announced as soon as the surgery was completed, they've made it, the patient was going to make it this time.

Sam followed Derek as they walked out of the O.R to remove their surgical equipment.

"So, that was something… Being honest, I wouldn't think that we were gonna be able to pull it through. I mean, there were a lot of things that could go wrong. There's usually a big risk of atrial fibrillation, especially on his case but… I gotta say, it looks like he's gonna make it." Sam admitted after some moments of silent between him and his old friend.

"Sometimes we need to take those risks and turn them into miracles." Derek answered with a smile on his face, remembering Addison's words from that morning.

"I'd say I'm impressed, but that would be an understatement. I don't care whatever that's going on, I've always respected your work…" Sam admitted, something that surprised Derek because for the first time since his arrival to Los Angeles, she was seeing the Sam that he remembered, though that didn't last long.

"…That being said, now that your work here is done, I think it's time that you go back to Seattle. Surely Amelia or any other neurosurgeon will check on Luke's progress and they will let you know." Sam added being once again the same person who was giving him a hard time.

"Excuse me?" Derek mouthed, Sam wouldn't stop surprising him. "As far as I know, my agreement to be here is between me and St. Ambrose, if you have any issues with that then you've got the wrong person, you will have to discuss it with Dr. King, as for what I have seen, I don't think she would appreciate to have someone contradicting her decisions." Derek responded still surprised on how quickly Sam had turned the tables and go from a successful intervention to immediately try to kick him out of there.

"That's crap, Derek. There's no one else here, let's keep it real. The only reason that you're here is because probably you're running away from something in Seattle, am I mistaken? it's the same thing that you did back in New York, except that this time you're not hiding from her. Whatever that you're doing, you're involving her again, and deep down, you know that you've hurt her enough. It's time for you and Mark and whoever else to stop treating her like some kind of shelter. At the end she'll be the one broken and we'll be the ones picking up her pieces."

What the fuck is going on with him? And how does he even know that there are things in Seattle that I've been ignoring?

"And that's exactly why you've been so supportive with Addison? That's why you've been sneaking out with Naomi? Don't pretend to be the bigger person here because you're clearly not, and stop pretending that you know Addison only because you've dated her for what? Few months?" Derek snapped sarcastically. He was surprised, after all this time probably he did still know him.

"Look, I'm not looking to start another schoolyard fight here, I'm just telling you to stop whatever you're doing with her. At the end of the day, you'll be back in Seattle and will forget about these days faster than she would. If you really care about her, then you know I'm right this time."

I swear to God that if he keeps talking I won't hold it.

It was funny how Sam was able to remove all the joy that Derek felt over the success of the surgery and change it for rage.

"I will go and talk to Luke's family, you should come too if you want." Derek said right before walking away, he wasn't going to stand him anymore, not when he's trying to play the "good friend" talk and "advising" him on what he should do or not.

You should be grateful I still have work to do in this hospital, otherwise I'd punch you so hard that you wouldn't even dare to speak to me one more time.

"Fine." Sam simply said as he followed him to give the news to the patient's family. On his side, Sam finally felt relieved to tell Derek what he really thought about his stay and his "closeness" with Addison.

XX

Later that evening, Addison had joined Derek to his hotel room, he wanted to celebrate with her the fact that the surgery was a success, and being there next to her felt like the proper way to do it. Besides, if they stayed on his hotel, then they wouldn't have to worry about Amelia showing up or seeing them together, not that he cared about it, but it was better to be just the two of them. Besides, there was another part of him that wanted to prove himself that Sam was wrong about what he had said.

The hotel was perfect for their small celebration, they've spent some time in the Jacuzzi, they've opened few drinks from the minibar and now they had just asked for the room service. Derek had been talking to Addison about the whole procedure as she asked him to walk her through it, and once again, at that moment, she felt proud of her ex-husband's surgical skills, as she had always felt.

"…Not even a single side effect. That has to be impressive, even for you, Derek." Addison repeated as she poured another glass of wine for herself and filled Derek's glass with the bottle of scotch on the table. "No wonder why you were so eager to celebrate." She handed Derek his glass and sat next to him on the edge of the big bed, both of them were wearing only their bathrobes while their hair was still wet for their time in the Jacuzzi.

"Well, I wouldn't say impressive, but for the record, I'll be publishing that surgery."

"As you should. I've never doubted about the surgery having any other outcome." She didn't need to say much; he knew that she was proud of him. There was this thing about Addison that Derek had always adored, they have grown together since the moment they met, they were there for each other during each step of the way when they became successful, they understood each other. Any other person would call out Derek's arrogance, but Addison, she understood him, she would act just the same whenever she had a successful surgery, especially one of those where nobody believed she was able to do it. And that's how they became the best of their respective fields and that was why they used to be New York's golden couple.

"I'm glad you were there, at least at the beginning. It was definitely a good juju." He confided her. "You've been so supportive through all of this, whenever things got complicated down in the O.R, I kept thinking on what you said in the morning and I have to say that it helped me to get through it." Derek admitted as he held her hand closer to him.

Addison smiled softly at his words, she didn't say a single word about it, she knew that Derek was aware that she would always be supportive and be on his side, even if they under different circumstances, she would always be there to encourage him, even if he wasn't aware of it.

Was she always like this? How did I just stop paying attention to her? Derek silently regretted.

There was a moment of silence between them, Derek's eyes were set on Addison's which made her smile, even after all those years, he would still make her feel like the young med student who fell for him, and even though she had been the one who kept insisting that her feelings wouldn't get in the way, it was hard to avoid it when she knew that Derek had been her actual first love. Once their lips were joined once again, it felt like the time was stopping, it was in moments like those where that intimacy that they've shared before seemed as alive as it was on their good years. The more time they've spent together, the more real things felt between them and as much as both of them refused to talk about it, each time for each of them felt more real, they felt safe and more than anything, it felt right.

Those were the moments that they didn't want to end, where they weren't just a divorce couple but two persons who still cared much about each other and even though they took time to rediscover it, none of that mattered because at that moment, they were exactly where they wanted to be. It was a strange feeling for both of them somehow, because none of them would have ever imagined they would end up so caught on each other after years of distance, but there were things that wouldn't change, and Addison and Derek were very well aware that whatever that attracted them the first time that their paths crossed was still present.

A couple hours later, Addison was resting on Derek's chest while they were quietly laying together on bed, it was getting late but now, unlike their first time together in Los Angeles, none of them were walking away. They were in a good place, living that fantasy that both of them had allowed to create, they didn't care what the future will grant for them, they weren't even thinking about it, they were just happy to be there, reunited together.

"You know; I was thinking… This hotel might be one of the best ones we've shared. It's strange that I've been living here for some time and I've never noticed it." Addison said out loud what was on her thoughts, however Derek's mind was in a completely different place, Addison's words brought him back to reality.

"Well, it's good. I was actually staying in a different room, but I might have asked for an improvement for tonight." Derek admitted, he had been staying in a different and smaller room, as soon as he invited Addison to spend the night he asked for a better suite.

"So, you're saying that you weren't spending your lonely evenings on the Jacuzzi by yourself?" Addison laughed and rolled back to her side of the bed to face him.

"You've got me." Derek teased laughing along with his ex-wife. "But now that you mention it, one my favorite places where we've stayed was that one where…" As soon as Derek started, Addison knew exactly what he was going to say.

"… The one in Miami, during that one medical conference. We didn't want to go and Vivian and Richard insisted." Addison complemented Derek's words. "God, that was a lifetime ago."

"Yes, that one with the big pool, remember?" Derek smiled at that memory, it had happened many years ago but he still remembered it very well.

"All I remember is that it was a crazy night, but we did end up having it on our way."

FLASHBACK

MIAMI 1998 - MEDICAL CONFERENCE

"Shouldn't we at least pretend we're interested to be out there?" Addison asked her husband after she opened a second bottle of wine on their hotel room, they've ordered room service, and had spent some time opening bottles from the minibar, each time the other would mention that they needed to actually socialize with the other doctors, the other one would make an excuse and they ended up delaying the time to leave the room.

"Do we have to? Addie, the only reason why we're here is because we can't apparently say no to Dr. Carlsmith."

"And Dr. Webber. I think he was more interest for us being here than Vivian was, maybe he just wanted to show us up with his colleagues. I mean, it's not every day that you get to show how two of the young promising doctors that you've trained have accomplished so much at the age of thirty." Addison guessed, she had never been a fan of medical conferences, she would find the whole experience a bit tiring, she felt like all of those doctors should be actually saving lives instead of gathering there to drink at the hospital's cost.

"So, we can still make something up and run away to a beach or something, I saw that new swimsuit that you've packed and I'm actually offended that I haven't seen it on you."

"We'll have time for that, honey. Now we do have to go and…" Addison had started talking, but Derek smile made her wonder. "What? Is there something in my face?" She asked curious.

"What? No, no. I was just thinking… Maybe we should go out there. We're always complaining about these conferences being boring, and how people here is almost twice our age and we have nothing else to talk about except medicine, right?"

"Yes, or even worst, most of them have worked with The Captain and keep asking me about him and what he's up to, and when they do, the only thing coming to my mind is something like "Oh, I don't know, he's probably screwing with an intern, a resident or any other woman that's not his wife, but why would I know?", which is clearly not a proper response, so I have to smile and pretend I actually care about whatever he's doing lately… But that was not the point… The point was… I'm not sure where you're heading with this." Addison mentioned still confused by her husband's idea.

"I'm not heading anywhere, I was just thinking that maybe we can go outside, try to see these other doctors and whenever we feel like we're dying out of boredom, we will go and drink a round of whatever alcohol of your choice. And that's how we will survive through the night." Derek suggested. "By the end of it, if we're still standing on our feet I'll bring you back here and I promise you, you won't be standing anymore. What do you say?"

Addison laughed. "And what if we end up so drunk that we can barely remember our names?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

"I'll still bring you here and we'll have a whole night of drunken sex. The way I see it, the night will turn out to be great in any scenario."

And even though that second option seemed tempting, she wasn't still very much convinced about it. "Seriously? Because I was thinking of getting drunk with you right here and just skip the part where we have to actually interact with all of those doctors outside."

"Come one, Addie. What's the worst that could happen?" Derek insisted.

"Well, this endocrinologist I talked to earlier kept saying very bad jokes about doctors, which is kind of insulting if you ask me. I don't think it can get worse than that."

As much as she wasn't exactly excited to go and actually have a conversation with their colleagues, it was better to rip off the Band-Aid, after all that was the reason why they had been invited, and if they could get some fun out of it, then following her husband's suggestion wouldn't be that bad of idea.

They left the room some minutes after their conversation, once they were out in the outside bar surrounding the pool, they approached different surgeons during the evening, it didn't take much longer for Addison to realize that the endocrinologist from earlier wasn't even near to be the worst of the evening.

By the end of the evening, they've lost count on how much they've drank, so much that the bartender refused to give Addison another glass of wine.

"Oh, come on. Do you want me to pay more for the drink? I can do it; I'll pay you… How much are they paying you now? I can give you a tip much bigger than that." Addison tried to bargain but the bartender didn't fall. "Come on, it's just another glass of wine. Fine, you know what? I'll just go back to my room and will have it from the mini bar. I just need to find my husband, he's a brain doctor, but of course, how would you know?" Addison bumbled before walking away.

Derek on the other hand, was talking to a much older doctor who kept talking about… He didn't even know what he was talking about, he kept nodding as if he was paying attention.

"Oh, that's interesting, Dr. Odenkirk… That was a very detailed story. But you know who is way more interesting? My wife, I need to find her… We… It's time for us to… We need have to go." Luckily for Derek, the older doctor was also drinking, so much that he wouldn't even remember his conversation with Derek the next day.

Derek started to wonder around to try to find Addison, as she had left for another drink as soon as Dr. Odenkirk started to talk non sense about… About whatever he was talking about. He went straight to the bar but Addison was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, have you seen my wife? Redhead, blue eyes, the hottest woman in the room?" Derek asked.

"Oh, you're the brain doctor. She was here about ten minutes ago, I wouldn't sell her more alcohol and she said that she will find you, but I think she went near the pool." The bartender explained while pointing at the pool behind them.

Derek quickly approached to the pool, some people where inside it, but Addison on her side, was sitting on the edge of it. "Addie?"

"Hey, honey… I was trying to find you… I just wanted to get some more wine, but that man wouldn't give me more. Can we just leave? I remember you promising something exciting for us at the end of the evening… And I don't know about you, but… That's all I can think about… That and the fact that I am not using my swimsuit." Addison was clearly drunk, probably drunker than Derek was, he didn't know if she had drunk more than he did or he had a higher tolerance towards alcohol, in any case, of course he wanted to go back to their room.

"Babe, I promise that after this whole thing is over, all I want is to spend a whole day with you on that bikini." He whispered to her ear. "Now, can we just go back to our room? I have better things on mind for you." Derek lowered to kiss his wife and as soon as he did, she held her closer and leaned to kiss him back, just like she would do it when no one else was around. She wrapped her arms around him to grab him closer.

"Addie, let's get out of here." He whispered as he stretched his arm for Addison to grab it to stand up from the edge of the pool and go back to their bedroom, however he wasn't hoping for her to have such a strong grab, or maybe the floor was just slippery, so much that he fell into the big pool in just matter of seconds bringing Addison along with him.

Addison held him as soon as both of them fell on the pool and simply started laughing as loud as a child would do it.

"Honey, are we really…?" Addison kept laughing while holding tight to Derek. "What were you even saying about me and the pool?"

"Wait, was this on purpose, Addie? Are you out of your mind?" Derek gushed, laughing along with his wife.

"I don't know what you're talking about, all I know is that Richard will not be happy when he hears about this." Addison said between her laugh, grabbing her husband closer in the water.

"No, he won't." He kept laughing. "Now let's get out of here before the rest of this idiots notice how we ended up on the pool."

END OF FLASHBACK

"That was so embarrassing, I haven't thought about that in years, I can't believe we got that drunk. But in our favor, we did end up giving our speeches the next day like nothing ever happened." Addison said between laughs, she wasn't even aware on how much she actually remembered about that medical conference considering how much they've drank that night.

"I don't care how drunk we were, I loved each minute of it." He admitted it, those memories seemed so long ago, back when they were young, reckless and only cared about each other.

Good times.

Their memories were abruptly interrupted by the sound of Derek's phone, it was around the fourth time during that day that he had ignored those calls, and that was something that would make Addison curious.

"It's from Seattle, isn't it? You will have to take those phone calls eventually." Addison didn't even have to guess, there was only a right answer for it.

"It can wait." Derek wanted to shut it down, that wasn't a conversation that he wanted to have, they were having too much fun. Why messing that up while talking about their reality?

"Maybe they just want to know about your returning, at first your stay was only for few days. I mean, you do run the neurosurgery department. There's also a lot of people waiting for you there, I guess." Addison insisted, she knew that Derek had been getting those calls quite often, and whenever they were together he would simply ignore them, and she knew him well enough to know what happened when he started to ignore calls. Once she was the one on the other side of the phone, trying to contact him when all he did was ignoring her, but what was different this time?

First Sam, and now she also wants to know when I'm leaving? You've gotta be kidding me.

"So, let's say that I leave tomorrow morning and I go back to my normal life in Seattle… Will you be considering to get back together with Sam? Is that why you want me to take those calls?" He added those last words without even thinking, because as much as he had enjoyed those hours with Addison, he knew that there was a reality that he had been avoiding.

I won't let Sam Bennett be right. Derek thought while remembering his words to him after the surgery.

"What? Where did that come from?" Addison didn't know how he had turned the tables on her this time, but the question was enough for her to turn to her side and sit on the edge of the bed while reaching her robe.

"I'm just asking, just me being curious, I guess. Your colleagues can't keep their mouths shut about you two, I just happen to listen. Can you blame me?" Derek tried to excuse himself from the conversation that he had tried to start. "But if you really don't, then I'll just assume that it's because your ex-husband showed up and the sex was so good that you can't just go back to any other guy." Derek teased after seeing her reaction to his last comment.

Addison rolled her eyes and somehow, he made her smile again over that statement.

"God, I forgot that your God complex isn't just about your job." After saying that, she left the bed to fill once again her glass of wine. "And please, stop gossiping about my life with the people from the practice. They clearly don't have boundaries."

"Clearly they don't." Derek teased once again with that soft smile on his face.

"If you're really interested to know, we've been over for a while, long before you arrived here. Probably some week's after Bizzy, I don't know exactly." She admitted, Derek wasn't exactly the responsible of Sam and Addison's break-up, all she knew is that he had changed a lot from the man she thought she had fell in love to.

"Did she know about the two of you?" Derek asked curiously, he always had bragged that he had Bizzy's approval and somehow and in her own ways, they did get along.

"She did, she was actually all in, surprisingly." Addison confessed after having another drink of her glass of wine.

That statement was a low blow for Derek, he didn't expect to feel some kind of void to know about his former mother-in-law's approval of Sam. Some part of him had always been proud to be the one that Bizzy had approved.

Bizzy was supposed to have a better judgement than that.

"I wouldn't have guessed that. But being fair, he did look like a nice guy. She had a nice catch for it, I mean, she approved me after all." He added instead.

"Yes, she did approve you, I think a part of her never forgave me for letting you go. Much unlike your mother, who never really liked me." Addison thought out loud, even years later it was a bit painful to have confirmed that. There was a time where she liked to think about Derek's mother as the caring parent that she lacked her entire life, and knowing that she hadn't been enough for her made her feel the same kind of disappointment that she felt about her own parents.

"Addie, you know she didn't really…" He tried to make excuses, just like he used to do whenever she asked the same question during their marriage, but this time, Addison just knew it.

"Derek, you've admitted it before. She hated me. It's okay, a part of me always knew it and it was nice of you to confirm it, at least now I know I wasn't going crazy during our marriage. Seriously, I've made my peace with it, but being honest, it was nice of you to pretend that it was all on my mind."

"If it worth, she was clearly wrong." He said immediately, to the date even for him was still shocking how she could hate someone like Addison, sure her affair didn't help or the fact that she gave Nancy salmonella but way before that, Addison had been the sweetest any time that they've visited her or even when she showed up unexpectedly at their place, Addison had a good relationship with the rest of Derek's family, he would never understand his mother's reasons.

That conversation had been enough for Addison to finish up her glass of wine and fill it once again, she took a sip and after that, her glance was back on Derek.

"So… Since you asked me…. I think it's only fair if I ask you the same." She made a small pause with her eyes laid on her ex-husband. "What do you think it's going to happen once you're back in Seattle? Are you taking Grey back?" She snapped, he had started it when he asked about Sam, and sure even if they agreed that they were just exes sleeping together, she still could ask about it, right?

"I don't see that happening, honestly. We reached a point where we realized that we're too different, so much that things just weren't meant to work out, no matter how much we tried. I didn't want to affect her career, we kept having arguments about many things, she's willing to help every patient no matter the cost, she's not afraid to take some kind of risks, no matter how much it might affect her... I guess that she sees things differently, for me there's right and wrong, but she… She sees more of it, and believe me that's something I admire but it's just not…"

"It's not you." Addison finished Derek's sentence, it was actually the first time when he was opening up about what had happened, she wasn't expecting an answer so straight-forward and still, she had opened that subject and jeopardizing what seemed to have a good start for a quiet evening. "I'm just saying, it would make sense if you were to fix things up. The two of you clearly have a lot of history behind, you did spend years trying to make it work, why giving up now? All I'm trying to say is that it would make sense." Addison inquired, she didn't even know why she was even… Encouraging him about his past relationship?

Why is she suddenly trying to sabotage this thing between us? Two can play the same game, Addison.

"I don't know what to say, Addison. We've been over for good, it's been like that for months, I don't know what else do you want to hear about it. Right now, all I know is that if someone is taking an ex back it would be you, after all, according to everyone at the practice you and Sam were pretty much Oceanside's golden couple. I've heard people at the practice saying that you even made up this word… How was it… Addisam? Isn't that a bit embarrassing?"

"What's your point, Derek?" Addison snapped sarcastically. "Is there anything about my personal life that the people from the practice haven't said to you? Or do you just gather them to ask them about whatever the hell that is going on with my life?"

"I'm sorry to break it out to you, Addison, but not everything is about you. If I hang out with the people from the practice is because I like them, I'm not expecting them to tell me stories about your life… Besides, I am only mentioning it because you asked me about Meredith, I answered your question, I was thinking that maybe you would do the same about your relationship. At least, that was my first thought when you asked me about going back to Seattle, because if you weren't even considering a future with your ex-boyfriend, then why would you even bring it up when were supposed to spend the night more focused about each other?"

There it was, everything they've been avoiding over the past few days was now out there, and as they feared, of course it was affecting both of them.

Somethings are better left unsaid.

"And what if I do? I mean, I keep saying that I won't and you don't seem to listen, but what if I do? You'll be far away in a different state, why would you even care? After all, we are just sleeping together, it's not like there's something else going on." She argued, was he even trying to listen to her?

And now, Satan is back. Her own defense mechanism, I guess.

"That's what you keep saying, Addison. You're the one who says that we're just sleeping together and nothing else." He affirmed.

"Of course I am, what else could it be?" Addison was holding her ground, there were some seconds of silence after the heat of the argument. She wasn't expecting an answer and she was grateful he didn't say anything after that. Probably he knew that she didn't want to hear something else about it, because none of them would be ready to explore what could be the alternative of them being something more than that.

"I'm not taking him back; I'm not even considering it. There are things that he's not willing to compromise and I'm certainly not giving them up." She added with much calmed tone this time.

"And you shouldn't." Derek already knew about those things, or at least he learned some of it during the gentlemen evening with the guys from the practice, it turned out that no one from that place new how to be discrete about their own personal lives.

"I think he knows about us…" Derek admitted, he wasn't supposed to mention it, especially on how things ended once the surgery was done, but he preferred Addison to hear it from him. "Well, I might have said something before the surgery. You see, I wanted to clear the air before starting the procedure and he asked me if there was something going on..."

"You did what!?" This time she raised her voice, her expression was completely surprised, they were supposed to keep that thing between only them. That was what they had agreed, or what she agreed, at least. "What the fuck, Derek? Why would you say anything to him? Please, don't tell me you're back arguing every five minutes because that's not something I can take anymore."

"I only said that we were spending some time together and if he wanted to know more, then he should talk to you." Derek was very much aware that he had screwed up by even mentioning that to Sam, but when he said those things to him, he was only thinking to avoid a future argument on the O.R.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even… Damn it, Derek!" Addison couldn't even pretend to hide the frustration she was feeling in that moment.

"Addison, it isn't like we're being so discrete. And why do you care, anyway? We're just friends sleeping together, aren't we?" Derek proclaimed sarcastically, using Addison's each choice of words.

At least Sam and Naomi are far more discrete than we are, if you only knew about that. But no, it's not my place to say anything. I won't say anything.

"That's what we keep saying." She answered distantly.

"Oh, no. We didn't decide anything. You were the one who decided that this didn't have to mean anything. I didn't get any say."

"Why would you, Derek? You get to fuck your ex-wife and end up that stupid rivalry that you started up with Sam, you'll leave in few days, no strings attached and no feelings involved. It's any guy's dream." Addison bellowed, not even thinking about her words, not anymore when all she wanted to do was to run away, not only from Derek but also from the whole situation, she knew she had been playing with fire and if she still hadn't burned, she was getting closer to it.

Certainly not mine. How is that she turns the tables and becomes again the queen of passive-aggressive?

"That's what you think it's all about? Me wanting to fuck you just to tell Sam that I'm the bigger guy in the room? Is that what you think about me, Addison? I thought you were the one who knew me the best, but if that's what you think, I was clearly wrong." Derek argued instead, deep down, it pained him that Addison would think that was the only reason why he had been around her.

Did I really damage her that much?

"What do you want me to think? Let's be honest, you didn't even care to look at me while we were still married. We've had more sex over the past week than we did during the last year of our marriage. Damn, I've even felt better sneaking around with you these days than when I was your actual wife. What does that say to you?" It has been a lot of time since the last time Addison allowed herself to free those thoughts from her failed marriage, now they were not only out there once again, but even though those moments were many years apart from their present, it wasn't any less painful.

"Well, maybe it says that we're finally over the fact that you slept with my best friend." Derek fumed immediately, without thinking. To which Addison replied with just the same resentment.

"Or that you slept with your intern."

There they were, once again after many years, having that same fight, the one that ended up their marriage and caused deep wounds in their long relationship.

"Can you just stop bringing Meredith into this? I've told you what happened, I opened up to you and this time, I have nothing to hide. And still, somehow we're still having the same damn fight as the day you've showed up in Seattle out of nowhere."

Addison shook his head with a sarcastic laugh. She couldn't believe Derek's nerve to actually say that, not after everything he pulled her through after she showed up in Seattle out of nowhere. "Fight? Please, you didn't ever bother to fight anymore. You didn't even care if I was fucking Mark Sloan on your own bed."

Wow, she did not just say that.

"That is a low blow, Addison."

"Why would it be? That's water under the bridge."

That doesn't make it any less painful. He wants to say, but he doesn't. Water under the bridge or not, it doesn't change what happened.

"I can't believe we're still bringing Mark or even Meredith into this, that's why it didn't work out. We kept arguing about other people but we didn't care to focus on what was really important in our marriage. We should have focused on us instead of our mistakes." Derek was aware that he didn't make things right but now that they were finally admitting those feelings they've repressed over the years, perhaps they could finally heal those wounds.

"No, we're not having that conversation. You know when we should have focused on us? Years ago, when I was in Seattle trying to give us another chance and you were too busy trying to make me pay for what I did or even worse, you were too busy trying to chase on your intern or claiming your love to her during the holidays, so much that you didn't even care about the fact that I was there, hoping for you to would notice me or to have the slightest gesture to make me think that we still held a chance but…." Addison didn't complete that sentence; it was too painful to even keep thinking about that time on her life. On the contrary, she finished her glass of wine on a single drink and quickly picked up her dress from the floor to quickly get dressed.

So much for no feelings attached.

"What – What are you doing?" Derek asked as soon as she started to get dressed, he quickly left the bed and started to do the same, he wanted her to try to stop her from leaving.

"I'm going home, we said we would do this while it made sense, and honestly, right now nothing makes sense. This was a huge mistake."

"Addison, wait…"

"No, no. Derek, I just can't be here anymore. I thought being with you would be easier, that we would be able just to have some fun but… There's a reason why divorced people shouldn't be together and maybe a lot of people does it anyway but that's not us, it's better to stop fooling ourselves to pretend we can do it." She repeated repressing the need to cry, she wouldn't allow herself to do it in front of Derek.

Derek didn't have anything to say, it wasn't the time to discuss their past mistakes, not when they happened almost a decade ago.

"That's not why we're arguing about, Addison."

But if it wasn't because of their past, then what it was? Things were better left unsaid, sometimes it was better to avoid the reality and just enjoy the moment.

She didn't say a single word after that. Once she was fully dressed, she wanted to walk away, she wanted to leave and close that door to the past, that one where she had been having too much fun during the past week to allow herself to see what was really happening: Her feelings for Derek were still there and if she was honest enough with herself, those feelings never left, but so were the damages and the pain they've caused each other was as alive as the flame between them.

"Addison, don't go." He insisted and followed her path to the door, Derek then grabbed her hand as an attempt to make her stay, which made her turn back to see him. "You don't walk away, that's not what you do."

"No, things have changed, this whole thing was a huge mistake. We weren't thinking properly, things are getting out of hands, I just – I can't keep on whatever this is, I can't stand here while we keep having the same argument that ended our marriage. This… This shouldn't have happened at all. This is wrong, we are wrong together. Time just keeps proving it."

Time's a bitch.

Addison's phone was now the one that interrupted them, but she didn't have the will to pick it up, not while they're still there. "You need to go back to Seattle, you'll forget about this whole thing very quick. Amelia can take care of Luke's post operatory and keep you updated. You will still be able to publish under your name, or even along with Sam if that's what you want."

Addison's words didn't match what she was really thinking, her feelings for Derek were all over the place but the best thing was to walk away from them and keep them locked on the tiny box she had created for him. She was tired of being hurt by Derek and she preferred to walk away this time, before they would get even deeper into each other, if that was even possible at this point.

In the meantime, Derek kept holding her hand in silence, he didn't want to let her go, even when they were not supposed to let their feelings get in the way, they've failed badly. All the memories, all the disappointments, every single thing left unsaid during their marriage was out there.

Addison's phone kept ringing, it wasn't until the third time that she took it from her handbag and saw Sam's name on the screen. There were at least five missing calls besides the incoming one. As soon as Derek saw it, he rolled his eyes and let go of her hand.

"Of course it's Sam, is that why you suddenly wanna go?" He said frustrated on the whole situation.

Addison didn't even acknowledge that comment and answered the call anyway, if he was being so insisting there might something happening at the hospital.

"Sam… I am kind of in the middle of something, I can't… Wait, what? What are you saying?" However, she was left speechless as soon as he started talking, her face expression changed completely, the anger and disappointment from her argument with Derek changed to a lost expression that kept getting darker while she listened to what Sam had to say.

"Addison? What's wrong?" Derek asked as soon as Addison's expression changed, now she had been the one grabbing his hand stronger by the second. "Addie?"

"Sam, slow down… Please, tell me what happened… Oh, God…'' She looked at Derek and nodded. "Uhm… Yes, he's with me…" Addison's feared eyes met Derek's during that brief mention of his name during the phone call "I will… We'll be there. Thanks for letting us know."

"Addison, what happened? Addison? Talk to me, Addie." Judging by Addison's look and how her voice started to break slowly during that phone call, he knew that there was something wrong. Something bigger than their fight, bad enough for them to put it aside.

"Derek…" Her voice was softer, it was slowly breaking, her usually steady hands were shaking. Her anger and frustration had changed for a big fear and a void in her stomach.

She met his eyes and announced Sam's news to him, knowing this would completely change the course of their evening.

"It's Amelia. There was an accident."

A/N: Well, this happened now. I'm sorry for leaving the chapter there, but here's an insight if you're interested to know more about what's coming up next: If you read the first chapters, you will see that from time to time that someone mentions that Amelia has been absent or that she's not coming home, there's a reason for that and you will find out on the next chapter.

As for what happened between Addison and Derek, I wanted to write this chapter focusing on their relationship and how they're feeling about each other during this moment in their lives, I like how they start like "no, of course this is nothing" but they keep acting the completely opposite until it all blows on their faces. There are a lot of issues that they needed to address and they will have to work on them. Or at least that's what I hope, we still have four more chapters for this story, we'll see.

Oh, and there's a fun fact about the flashback, it is slightly based on a personal experience (even though I'm not married to Derek Shepherd or I'm not a world class surgeon) once I went to a conference and I got so drunk that I ended up on the pool fully dressed. I wasn't planning to add that on a story, but it was funny thinking about Addison and Derek on that situation.

Again, sorry for the long author's note. Please, review and tell me what do you think.