Reliving The Grief

Estelle was thankful that nobody was there to greet her when she returned. She couldn't bear the questions right now, her heart torn open for them all to see. She had second-guessed if it was the right choice to make but knew that Kota deserved to have his questions answered.

The bracelet meant a great deal to Estelle, and even if she didn't have the exact one Kiko had given to her anymore, she was glad that it was in safe hands. She even hoped that he would give it to another to repeat the cycle one day. It would ensure that Kiko's memory lived on because it would have died with her. And that was an injustice like no other.

Estelle held her chest as an ache emanated from it like a blazing fire. She knew what it was; she had experienced it the last time she revealed her memories. It was heartbreak.

Her heart shattered for Kiko every day, but she pushed back the memories as she did with everything else. It wasn't fair on him; he wasn't the problem. Estelle was the problem; she always was.

Why did she let him stay? She could have saved him with a lifetime of joy if she had pushed him away. Hell, if she had run away with him, maybe. No, that wouldn't have worked. Estelle would have gotten him killed either way.

Closing her eyes to try to suppress the memories from her mind, Estelle's body shook as the misery overwhelmed her system. The memories dragged their way up into the surface as if they belonged there.

'Go away, go away, go away, go away, go away.'

The mantra played out in her head in an attempt to lose herself in them. The failure of it only increased the self-hatred she had for herself. Why did she deserve to bury the memory when he never got a spiritual burial?

"You did this to me, Estelle."

'Go away, go away, go away, go away, go. Away. Go. away.'

"I'm dead because you let me stay."

"Estelle!"

Panting and gasping her breath, Estelle realised her arm was being held down in the night. Bakugo's ruby eyes could be seen in front of her, panic and concern overriding any other emotion in his eyes.

"Let me go", Estelle managed to croak out in the darkness towards the bodies on her arm. Taking a few deep breaths, Estelle instantly sat up to the light being switched on. Her hands covered her face as she tried to collect herself and bring her breathing into normality.

The room was quiet with solemn silence as she did so, and Estelle could cry with how appreciative she felt for those in the room at that moment. Her brain was a wreck, and she wanted to hide from the world at how weak she was at that moment.

Knowing that she wouldn't be able to avoid those patiently waiting for her, Estelle slowly removed her hands from her eyes to view those around the room. To her surprise, the whole class were silent as they sat on the ground around her. They were looking away as if they were trying to provide her with the privacy Estelle so desperately wanted.

They knew Estelle suffered from PTSD. They had worried that this would negatively impact her, and they were right. When they heard the stumble and thud downstairs, they all immediately rushed down to see if she was okay. To their surprise, Estelle was hunched over in the dark, muttering to herself as she tried to hold herself together.

They had hoped to wait it out with her, but when her hand extended to hit herself in the face. Bakugo was the one to notice and demand them to hold her arm down. They didn't question him; they knew he was the most familiar with her.

It was a shock to find that she activated her quirk, the air warping around her arm as she pushed them away from her. They eventually had to pile on top of her arm to stop her from hurting herself. It was challenging to see Estelle like that; she was always strong. But it showed that the powerful always had times when they struggled.

Estelle was strong to keep going.

Estelle didn't say a word as the class sat beside and around her. She was too ashamed to say anything at all. But when they didn't move from their seats, they heard Estelle croak out to them. "You all should leave."

Still, they didn't move. Kiko never left when she told him to go; why should they?

Slowly, Momo did eventually get up to move to the kitchen. It was not long after that she returned with Estelle's favourite tea. Feeling conflicted, Estelle accepted the drink but didn't understand why they were still there. Why were they there? They should sleep.

A light thump to her head brought her out of her musings, and she didn't even need to lift her exhausted head up to know that it was Bakugo. "We aren't leaving. Deal with it."

Estelle gave no response apart from leaning her head against his shoulder; she was too tired to keep her head raised. Confused, she muttered, "Why?"

"Because we care about you", Izuku murmured back, his face still looking away from Estelle.

Estelle's hurt increased with his words as her heart split further from the truth of it. It rang out like warning bells and flashing danger signs. But as usual, Estelle didn't know what to do. She didn't anticipate this, being with a group of people that refused to leave her be.

"You shouldn't. This wasn't a one-time case, y'know?"

Their souls dimmed at her words; how many times had this happened? How many times has she lost those she held dear? But still, they stayed.

"Forgive me for asking Estelle, but have you ever had time to grieve?" Momo asked softly, concern in every corner of her tone.

"Oh. No. There was no time."

"What do you mean?"

"My life was spent fighting. If I took the time to grieve everyone I knew, I would be grieving until I'm dead."

The room turned silent. Unsure of what the following words should be.

"Tch, you don't have to grieve them all separately. You can grieve them all at the same time."

"It's easier just to forget."

"Tch, that's not working out well. Look at you."

"Rude", Estelle responded bluntly as she shook her head.

Startled by the change of pace, the class laughed at the response. Taking the opportunity, Estelle spoke up once again as her shoulders tightened back up rigidly. "Alright, enough with the mopey stuff. I'm fine now. You can put on the tv, or you can go to bed."

The class were surprised by Estelle once again. When they had entered the room, Estelle looked utterly broken. And now, when gazing at her, you couldn't even tell she had a breakdown at all. They held in their concern, worried that Estelle pushed it to the back of her mind once again. Did she do this often? Did she just put her blocks back in place, and then she was back together again? It seems like they weren't held together by enough glue. Estelle appeared to be duct-taping her sanity at this point.

"Hell no! You're gonna take the time to grieve, Kiko! Like he deserves to be remembered!" An aggressive shout startled Estelle from her spot.

The room stilled at Bakugo's response. They didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but Bakugo said what they were all thinking. It wasn't healthy for her to do this. Kiko died when she was young. She wasn't over it yet, because she never had the time to.

She had time now.

Estelle slumped with a frown; her so quickly put together facade wasn't holding up well. The pain-filled expression landed back on her face as she scowled at Bakugo. The blonde was having none of it as he glared back at Estelle stubbornly. His hand was on the remote to force her in place.

Falling back onto the couch, Estelle asked, "Well, how do I grieve?"

"Just let yourself feel it."

"That's weak."

"What did I tell you before? You were in a shitty situation. It's a normal fucking response - got it?!"

A silent nod.

A silent scowl.

Staring at the wall, the room became quiet as they thought about Kiko, the little boy taken too soon.

"Y'know, he drew me in like a moth to a flame. He was always so hopeful, so full of life. But, he was naive. I loved that about him. I was starting to get tired of the world. I was living only for myself as I was stuck in a cycle of training and killing monsters. Kiko barrelled himself into my life, and I had no choice but to accept it.

He would offer to help me run away when he saw me covered in bruises. As much as I wanted to agree, I was too deep in my boss's clutches. Still, it made me feel better.

I wonder what could have happened if I had accepted, but to be honest, I think it would have led to a much more gruesome outcome. To this day, I can never find a route that he stayed alive in; I think about it all of the time. I just wasn't strong enough to protect him yet."

"Yet you still blame yourself."

"I do."

"You said it yourself; there was nothing you could have done. You can't blame yourself for that."

"If only I was stronger..."

"You'll drive yourself crazy thinking like that! You can't change the past. What's done is done," Bakugo rebuked, his voice still stern but holding an underlying softness nobody picked up on.

Silent, Estelle felt an ache throughout her body. A heartbreak that was so deep from hearing the words out loud. She never wanted to accept that he was really dead. That was it. It was final.

Her frame trembled as the realisation fully set in for her. Kiko was dead.

Voicing out a wobbly, "Uh, can you look away again?"

The class silently followed the request, sitting by her to show they were there for her but turning their heads in respect. Gripping onto Bakugo's hand tightly. Estelle struggled with physical pain as silent tears fell from her sockets. Feeling fingers in her hair, Estelle revelled in the brief reprieve of comfort as her body disregarded her mind, letting out all the emotions she tried so hard to hide.

"It's okay," Bakugo murmured.

All Estelle could respond with was a silent but choked sob.

Time passed faster than Estelle anticipated. By the time her head left the comfort of Bakugo's shoulder, it was deep into the middle of the night. Scanning the room with bloodshot eyes, Estelle realised the class was still there.

Another ache built up inside her. Why were they doing this to her? Why were they so adamant about pulling out every faucet that made Estelle who she was and succeeded in tearing down her walls?

Estelle felt ashamed.

She had never shed a tear in years. She had hardened her mind and soul to death because she had to. But now? Now that she was away from her home, it was like they fell down on top of her like a ticking time bomb; the students were forced to witness it like they didn't deserve to live everyday lives without her around.

She felt guilty for her presence. Guilty for every tear shed in front of them like she hadn't torn apart normality for them. It just wasn't fair on them, and Estelle knew that others who resided in this world deserved their care; she just wasn't one of them.

She was a warrior, a hardened veteran. She had given her tears for Kiko, and now that Estelle thought about it more. It didn't hurt as much anymore to know that he was gone. She was not weak.

"Hey."

Turning to face Bakugo, Estelle hid her unease at the fact he was probably watching her think through her whole monologue. He made no mention of it and kept the frown on his face as Estelle responded. "Hey."

"Tch, it's late. Get some more shut-eye."

"Hmm."

"Seriously. Do it."

Grunting when Bakugo yanked her down to his side again, Estelle remained in her thoughts until the early hours of the morning. It was only when the classmates sleeping in strange positions on the floor started groaning awake that Estelle let her eyes open.

"Gosh, what time is it?" Ashido moaned as she rubbed the back of her neck against the cushion of a sofa.

"Around eight am, I think", Kirishima answered as he stretched his body.

Turning her head upwards to gaze at Bakugo, Estelle realised he was awake himself. Furrowing her brows, she could tell he was as tired as she was. Confused, Estelle wondered how much sleep he had gotten last night.

Before she could raise a question, Izuku noticed she was awake. Giving a wide and innocent smile, he asked, "Hey, Estelle. You up for some breakfast?"

Nodding silently, Estelle watched as most of the class stumbled into the kitchen for some food. Slowly rising from her position, her movement was stilled by the male beside her. "Hey, you don't have to go if you don't wanna y'know?"

Startled, Estelle's eyebrows furrowed in thought once again as she contemplated Ruby's words. Shaking her head, she muttered, "I'm not a coward."

Grumping over the light hit he landed on her head, Bakugo growled sleepily, "That's not what I'm saying, you idiot. You asked for patience, and we're providing it."

Estelle wondered what she could have possibly have done to deserve this but corrected herself immediately. She knew she didn't, but she couldn't stop the bubble of joy, warmth and appreciation budding inside her. Her throat tightened slightly, and she once again felt the looming time over her head.

She was making everything worse for them. They didn't deserve this.

Feeling the dip of the couch as Bakugo stood up, the blonde walked to the door before halting at the entrance. "Coming?" He grunted out in question as he opened the door.

Nodding silently, Estelle followed behind him and moved to sit at the dining table as he grabbed breakfast. Again, she remained mute as he placed a bowl and some cereal in front of her. Grunting out her thanks, Estelle remained noiseless as she began to eat.

Various students side-eyed her as she did so, a foreign worry in their belly as the meal continued on in her silence. This was a big step for Estelle, and internally they were overjoyed that they had gotten the opportunity to break down one of her barriers. But, it still felt like something was missing - like they had missed something. Eventually, Izuku was the one to speak up. "Um, Estelle?"

"Hm?"

"How are you feeling?"

Startled from the blunt question, Estelle gave a small smile in response. "I am okay."

"Really?"

"Yes. I would like to thank you all. I apologise for burdening you with this."

"Estelle!" The class chimed back loudly in unison.

"Hm?" Estelle voiced as she looked up from her bowl innocently. The student's then realised that she had no idea how heavy those words were.

"You could never burden us because we want to be there for you", Momo assured, a soft smile on her face.

"Yeah, we are your friends!" Kirishima added with a broadened grin.

Scoffing, Estelle uttered, "More like-"

"Nuicences," The class chimed back in, a knowing expression on their faces.

Flustered at how they managed to guess her words, Estelle gazed back down at her bowl to avoid the stares boring into her.