Warning: This chapter contains a lot anti-gay slurs and general homophobia, proceed with caution if you need to lovelies.
JPOV
"Jay, if you go up and down those stairs one more time I'm going to tie a string around you and call you a yo-yo."
Emmett looked up at me over the rim of his coffee mug from the kitchen table as I sunk down to sit on the stairs in defeat. He was right, I'd come and gone repeatedly this morning as I tried to psych myself up to leave the house for school. I had been awake since around 4 am and I was starting to go mad catastrophizing all the ways that today could go horribly wrong and trying to convince myself not to just crawl back under the covers and hide forever.
Truthfully, the only reason I wasn't currently still holed up in my room was because I couldn't bring myself to make Edward face the shitstorm alone. It was my fault that this had happened in the first place, and it wasn't fair to hang him out to dry while I hid. Even if I am a colossal coward.
I scrubbed my hands over my face and through my hair, ruining the attempt I'd made earlier - twice - to make it look neat. I glanced at my watch, it was nearly 7:30, and I knew Edward would arrive soon to pick me up. I'd dug out the watch my Abuela had given me for my 14th birthday so that I could avoid having to look at my phone, which was currently buried right at the bottom of my backpack and turned off. I'd spent most of last night doom scrolling through the dozens of messages I'd been sent since Jessica Stanley had posted a picture of Edward and I holding hands in Port Angeles in some group chat she was part of. Apparently that one small action was enough to napalm my entire life because shit had hit the fan and spread it far and wide.
Once word got out to Jess' cheerleading squad, they had decided that outing me was retribution for dumping her, even though Jessica had a new boyfriend anyway and I genuinely didn't think she had cared about me in the first place. Somehow my being attracted to men was a personal sleight against her, or so she thought. The whole thing felt like a plot of a bad teen drama.
I'd resolved myself to attempt to not let it bother me, at least as far as I would let anyone know. As long as I had Edward by my side, I knew I could get through this, no matter how much the idea of even calling myself gay freaked me out, let alone other people identifying me in that way. I still honestly didn't know what I was. I knew that I was head over heels for Edward, and that was about as far as it went. I had never felt even remotely the same way for anyone else, guy or girl. When I really thought about it, which I had been, all night, I don't even remember having crushes on anyone as a kid. Rosalie had taken great fancy in having many different suitors as a precocious child, hosting several mock weddings in the kindergarten playground. That had never been my thing, though I always had the job of walking her down the 'aisle' during recess.
I jumped when I heard the latch on the front door, startling me out of my thoughts. Edward let himself into the house and scanned the room, his green eyes searching for me as I stood up from my place at the foot of the stairs. I walked over to him and he immediately opened his arms to embrace me as if reading my mind. I sank against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face into his neck, closing my eyes as I breathed him in.
"How are you feeling, my love?" Edward murmured, his arms wrapping around me.
"Better now," It hadn't even been 12 hours since I last saw him, but the time had dragged on after he had left last night, and the buzzing anxiety in my brain felt momentarily lulled by his presence.
Edward and I stood in silence for a moment, neither of us requiring words to convey what we needed. I realized then that it had always been this way between us, we had both always found comfort in each other's touch and presence without ever having to ask or explain what was wrong. The day Edward had decided to come out at school by effectively spreading a rumor about himself to the right people who would carry the message, I had held him like this after school when the mask of his confident bravado had finally been able to slip. I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to see what was right in front of me.
I pulled back from his hug, leaning up to press a small kiss to his lips, and he smiled at me in a way that made me feel invincible, even just for a moment.
"Are you ready?" he asked softly, his eyes betraying his concern for me.
"Not really, but I guess I have to be."
He gave me a sad smile and squeezed my hand as if to say he knew, and he was sorry this was happening.
"Y'all better get a move on or you'll be late," Emmett said, standing up from the kitchen table and putting his coffee mug in the sink. "I'm going to be home a bit late today, I've got a meeting in Tacoma and those assholes always run long. But call me if you need me, okay?" he walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I swear to the big man himself that if anyone messes with you today I will fuck their shit up. Seriously, I will pretend to be a student and sneak in there if I have to. "
Edward and I laughed at the thought of my brother who was built like an NFL lineman posing as a high schooler. "Not sure that'd be your best disguise, Em," Edward chuckled.
"Yeah, well, it only has to be long enough to find any son-of-a-bitch who has a problem," Emmett beamed a grin at us and turned to gather his things on the kitchen table.
We said our goodbyes and I grabbed my backpack and followed Edward out the door to his car, I was itching to ride this morning but I also knew that if I was in charge of my own transport I'd either chicken out halfway there or split before second period. He held my hand during the entire drive to Forks High School, the dreary weather of the rainy morning not doing much to help my mood.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I already felt like I wanted to throw up from the nerves, and I prayed that it was a fleeting feeling so that I didn't have a repeat of the roadside vomit incident from the day before. Edward looked over to me, his eyes silently asking if I was okay to do this. Was I? Fucked if I knew.
"How do you want to play this?" Edward asked.
"Everyone has already seen the picture of us, there's no fucking point in hiding now I suppose," I replied with a sigh. "I guess we'd better bite the bullet."
I stepped out of the car into the chill of the morning air, already missing the clear skies from yesterday. Edward walked around to stand next to me and even though logically I knew we were pretty much out of sight behind the car I felt my skin itching with the feeling of a hundred eyeballs watching me.
"I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through today without losing it," I said earnestly, my anxiety rising.
"Here," Edward handed me his car keys, "If you need to get away, come out here and take a minute, okay?" I nodded and slipped the keys into my backpack.
The first bell sounded across the parking lot and Edward's hand lightly held mine as he looked at me with apprehension. I took a slightly shaky breath and laced my fingers with his, holding onto him as if he were my life preserver. We made our way across the busy parking lot and I kept my eyes low to avoid seeing anyone looking at us, though I could hear whispers as we passed by groups of seniors making their way to their first class.
I was both grateful and distressed at the fact that my first class was with Edward, relieved at the fact that I wouldn't have to separate from him just yet, and dreading the thought of people staring at us. I tried to concentrate on my breathing and the feel of Edward's hand in mine as he guided me through the halls to our biology class.
Thankfully we were one of the first ones into the classroom, so I could take my seat on the far side of the room and keep my head down to ignore anyone looking at me as they came into the room. Unfortunately, it didn't stop me from hearing their whispers as the class filed in. Edward was arranging his books on the desk, a picture of nonchalantness on the outside though I could feel his right leg bouncing in agitation under the desk. His left leg was pressed against mine, both of us needing the contact as badly as one another.
Mercifully, Mr. Molina entered the classroom at that moment and the whispers were hushed, though I still felt like the back of my head was going to burst into flames from the force of people's stares. The lesson passed in even more of a blur than the usual Monday morning biology class, and I was thankful that it mostly consisted of copying notes from the board so that I could turn my brain off and have something to do with my hands. Before long the bell had rung and we were packing away our books, I was purposely dragging it out to avoid leaving before everyone else, when I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I jumped in surprise at the contact and looked up to see Bella Swan standing behind my seat.
Edward turned and smiled at the brunette girl as he stood, "Hey Bells, how are you?"
"I'm super," she smiled sardonically, "I heard what happened, I just wanted to let you guys know that not everyone at this school is a piece of shit. Just the loud ones, unfortunately." Bella rolled her eyes and I couldn't help but smile at how blunt she was.
"Thanks, that means a lot," Edward pulled her into a hug, an appreciative look on his face.
"Careful now, they'll say you two are dating next," I chuckled as I stood up from the desk, the room now empty but for the three of us.
"Handsome as you are, Edward, you're not my type," Bella shook her head and laughed, "You've got that P where I'd rather see a V." She laughed again as both Edward and my eyebrows shot up at her admission. "What, you think you gays have the monopoly on being an awkward high school queer?"
I was at a loss for words, which didn't seem to bother Bella at all. I could see in her face that she had shared her own secret to make me feel less alone, which I appreciated more than I could express. I pulled her into a quick hug as thanks, and we made our way out of the room towards our next class.
Bella and I had gym second period, so I was forced to part from Edward as he turned to leave for his physics class. He pulled me towards him and placed a quick kiss on my forehead and squeezed my hand goodbye. Watching him walk away down the hall made a wave of anxiety rise inside me again, and if it hadn't been for Bella wrapping her arm around mine and turning me towards the gymnasium I definitely would've bolted there and then.
Bella gave me a small knowing smile as we walked into the gym where the coach had set up volleyball nets. Everyone changed into their gym clothes and lined up along one side of the room as Coach Clapp assigned team captains. I gritted my teeth as he called Mike and Lauren's names and they stepped forward. I was expecting to be purposely picked last to humiliate me further, so I was surprised when Mike called my name after Tyler Crowley and Ben Chesney. I walked over to join their team, wary of Mike's intentions. He and I had always gotten along just fine, though we weren't close to being friends, we'd been in a bunch of classes together for the last four years. Even after he'd gotten with Jessica I didn't think he had an issue with me, but then he'd also apparently been the one to take the photo of Edward and me together. I didn't have long to ponder the politics of Mike's choice before the coach's whistle was blowing and we were on the court. Bella had been picked for Lauren's team and she smiled at me from the other side of the net.
I was just getting into the swing of the game, the physical exertion making it easy to not focus on anything else when I felt the ball slam into the back of my head. The force sent me toppling forward, landing hard on one knee, and I turned around to see what had happened. I saw Coach Clapp reprimanding Mike for spiking the ball at me, to which he insisted it had been an accident, but judging by the snickering coming from Tyler and Ben I very much doubted it. I rubbed my knee and stood back up, not giving them the satisfaction of my acknowledgement.
By the time Coach Clapp had blown his whistle to end the game, I was silently seething. Mike, Tyler, and Ben had continually found ways to bump into me, attempt to trip me, or hit me with the ball throughout the game, and I was ready to deck the next one of them that came anywhere near me. Bella came over to me as I was grabbing my things to go change, her arms crossed over her chest.
"They're not exactly subtle, are they?" she leaned against the wall next to where I was standing, her voice low.
"I doubt they have the brain capacity for that," I grumbled, throwing my backpack over my shoulder.
Bella gave me a sympathetic look as she left to gather her things and I headed towards the locker rooms, wanting nothing more than to get in and out so I could go meet up with Edward again. Thankfully, the locker room had individual stalls that I always used to change, so that I wouldn't have to take my shirt off in front of anyone else. I knew a lot of the guys found this weird, but I didn't care, the last thing I wanted now was to be in a room with any of them. I quickly changed out of my sweaty gym clothes and headed back into the locker room, hoping to avoid any altercations. No such luck.
"Yo, faggot," Tyler called out to me, and I clenched my jaw.
I tried to ignore him and walk to the door, but Mike and Ben moved to block my path, their arms braced against the lockers. "I believe Tyler was talking to you, Whitlock," Ben sneered.
I really didn't want to get into it with these guys, and I knew that if I retaliated things would likely escalate. It wasn't that I didn't think I could defend myself, but three-on-one wasn't the best odds, and they were definitely sporting brawn over brains. I dropped my eyes to the floor to avoid having to make eye contact with any of them, hoping they'd get bored and let me leave.
"What the fuck, faggot, are you staring at my dick!" Mike yelled jumping back, as Tyler and Ben roared with laughter.
"Fuck off, Mike," I said through gritted teeth.
"What did you just say, homo?" Tyler stalked up to me, leaning in close to intimidate me.
"I said fuck off. Like hell I'd be attracted to any of you ugly pricks." I met Tyler's eyes and I saw the flash of anger in them at my words.
"Yeah right, faggot, I bet you and your little fuck toy Cullen jack each other off over the entire football team," Ben laughed and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at their ridiculous egos.
"I'm sure you guys lie awake at night thinking about it too," I muttered as I moved to sidestep Tyler, pushing him away from me.
"Don't touch me, fag!" Tyler yelled and pushed me back, my back hitting the locker as Mike and Ben crowded closer in anticipation of a fight.
My mind raced as I assessed my options, the three jacked-up assholes corning me in the otherwise empty locker room. I knew I could probably yell loud enough for someone to hopefully hear, but being a tattle-tail was only sure to get me more shit in the long run.
I tried to push passed them again to walk out, but Mike and Ben grabbed my arms, shoving me backward as Tyler got in my face, "I think we should teach this fudgepacker a lesson," he sneered.
The three of them dragged me backward towards one of the changing room stalls, shoving me inside. I lost my balance and hit the wall, nearly falling over but catching myself on the small wooden bench inside. Tyler shoved me into the wall again from behind, and I was at my limit at this point, ready to swing at one of them as soon as I had the opportunity. Mike and Ben grabbed me by the arms again and pinned me to the wall face first, as I struggled against them, but their combined body weight was too strong. I could hear them laughing as Tyler pressed up against my back, his disgusting hot breath on my neck.
"This is what you like, isn't it, faggot?" Tyler sniggered, pressing his hips into me.
I suddenly realized how much trouble I was truly in as I was pinned to the wall, I'd thought they were just looking for a fight and even though the odds were against me, I had been prepared for that at least. I squeezed my eyes shut as a ripple of panic shot through me, refusing to let them see my fear.
"Aw, he's gone all shy on you, Ty," Mike laughed.
"I like the quiet ones, from this angle he even looks like a pretty little blondie," Tyler gyrated his hips and and grabbed a handful of my hair.
I could feel his obvious erection pushing against my ass and it sent a stone cold dread coursing through me. I didn't know whether he was closeted himself or if he just got off on fucking with people, but being pinned under Tyler's weight was affecting me in ways he could never even fathom.
I desperately tried to stop the panic that was threatening to take over, knowing that the last thing I wanted was to let these assholes see me cry. I could hear their laughing but it sounded far away, and my breathing was coming in faster, my body was frozen in with a primal fear. Every movement he made behind me was accompanied in my head by a violent flashback, and I could feel my eyes prickling with tears. In my mind, it wasn't Tyler that was the threat, it was my father. I could smell the rum he always drank in my nose. I could feel the burning on my chest where his blade cut through my skin. I could feel the agony of him forcing himself inside me. I couldn't fight him then, and I couldn't fight Tyler now. I was weak.
I had no idea how long this went on, it felt like an eternity, but eventually, let Tyler let up, but not before pushing my face into the wall with the fist that was in my hair, my chin and lip slamming into the hard surface.
"Don't you dare tell anyone, faggot, or it'll be your little boyfriend next," he sneered into my ear.
I stayed pressed against the wall as I heard them leave, my body shaking with fear that was still coursing through me. I sunk to the ground and tried to take control of my breathing, my chest constricting and my eyes were stinging with unshed tears. I hugged my knees to my chest in an effort to keep it together, I needed to get out of here. I got to my feet, fighting the spinning feeling in my head as I grabbed my backpack off the floor and made my way out into the locker room, praying that no one was here to see me and that Mike, Ben, and Tyler had actually left.
The gym was mercifully empty as I stumbled my way out and made my way out into the hall. I didn't know where to go. I needed to get out, to be alone so I could have the breakdown that was clawing at my insides. My body felt numb and my thoughts felt like wading through a thick fog. I couldn't feel, I couldn't think, I needed to leave.
I yelped in shock as Bella stepped in front of me, her eyes wide with concern, "Jasper, are you okay? I was waiting for you but you didn't come out of the locker room with everyone else."
I was vaguely aware that I was shaking like a leaf as I looked passed Bella, not able to answer her even if I wanted to. My tongue felt like lead, and waves of horrible pain kept flashing behind my eyes, rippling through me. I wasn't safe here. I need to leave.
I brushed passed Bella, ignoring her concern, and started running down the hall, though I had no idea where to. The only thoughts I had kept repeating in my mind.
Not safe. Get out.
I ran towards the nearest exit, bursting through the fire doors at the end of the hall and out into the cold rain. My breathing was still dangerously fast and I felt ready to pass out as I frantically looked around for a place to hide.
Not safe.
After what felt like an eternity of being rooted to the spot in fear, I remembered Edward's keys in my bag and sprinted towards the car on the other side of the school. I ran across the parking lot to where we had parked on the far side this morning. I threw my backpack onto the hood, searching for the keys Edward had given me earlier for exactly this reason. My fingers finally felt the cold metal at the bottom of my bag and I hit the unlock button without even pulling them out. The car headlights blinked twice and I pulled the door open, urgently wanting to get out of sight. I got in the backseat of the car and closed the door, locking it behind me as I bent down to hide from the perceived threat of the outside world, trying to make myself as small as possible.
My mind was racing now that my body had stopped moving, and even though logically I knew I was safe, I still felt the ever-present terror looming over me. I don't know how much of the wetness on my face was tears and how much was from the rain, but my cheeks were soaked as sobs ripped painfully through my chest. The fear was overwhelming and I could feel every single memory as if it were happening all over again. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as flashbacks shocked through me, the memories feeling more real than the car around me. I wasn't safe. I'd never be safe. He would always be able to get me.
I felt a scream begin to rise in my chest and I buried my face into the crook of my arm to stifle it. The little boy in my memory was screaming in agony and I felt every second of it.
Through my hysteria, I heard someone trying to open the car door next to me and I buckled against the seat, folding myself smaller to protect myself from their attack. The knocking on the window grew louder and I screamed at them to go away, to leave me alone, but they didn't relent. I forced my eyes open to look in the direction of the threat, my eyes blurred with tears.
Edward's face pleaded with me through the glass, his eyes filled with his own tears and his hands pressed desperately against the glass. I couldn't even bring my brain to rationalize his presence at first because every single cell in my body was convinced I was under attack, the cacophony in my ears screaming to run, to hide.
"Jasper, please!"
I heard Edward's muffled voice through the door and it sounded like he was a mile away, even though I could see him in front of me. I tried to make my body move as I stared at him, the anguish on his face evident. I forced a shaking hand out towards the door, fumbling with the lock, every part of my brain telling me to stop. I managed to open the lock on the door and cold air rushed in as Edward wretched the door open the moment he was able to.
He stood there for a moment, watching me in apprehension before climbing into the backseat next to me. Instinctively I shrank back against the opposite door, the sight of his masculine frame coming towards me fuelling the terror inside me.
"Jasper, my love, It's me, It's Edward." He reached his hands out slowly, "I'm not going to hurt you, you're safe now, I promise."
I could see the sincerity in his eyes and part of me knew that Edward was here to help me, but the rest of me was still so full of adrenaline that was feeding the fear inside me.
"Not safe... Not safe." I squeezed my eyes shut and brought my arms up to shield my head, curling into a ball as much as I could in the backseat of the car.
My head was spinning as I hyperventilated, my breathing wheezing between the sobs that left my chest. This was it, I was going to die. I'd either suffocate from lack of oxygen, or my heart would give out. I could already feel my chest tightening and my throat constricting. I was going to die.
I was convinced of my fate, the overwhelming sense of impending doom was collapsing on top of me, crushing me. I could feel Edward's hands on my arms, but his touch only sent fear ripping through me.
I wasn't safe. I'd never be safe.
A/N: Jasper cannot catch a break.
FYI, if you couldn't tell, this is going to be a fairly long fic, as this hiccup isn't actually the 'main' drama that the boys are going to have to deal with, that will very much center around Jasper's past. Let me know where you think we might be going! Thank you so much to those who have left reviews, it absolutely makes my entire day when anyone leaves me a message! x