Chapter 23

Elle's eyes flew open and she impatiently turned her eyes towards the window. She cursed. It was still dark. The pale clock face on the wall opposite her indicated that she had only closed her eyes for seven minutes since the last time she woke. It was four in the morning. On the first Saturday of March.

Finally giving up on sleep entirely, Elle curled up at the window seat she was fond of, paying careful attention to move as quietly as she could so as not to wake her sleeping dormmates. She sat a while by herself, watching as the stars started to slowly fade. It was that sleepy time in the night when dawn had not quite started by the night was certainly over. It was a good time, a time when Elle felt the world was simultaneously holding its breath and sighing it out. She wondered if her mother was looking at the same sky.

Just as the light was starting to paint its first streaks across the sky, feeble but growing stronger by the minute, Cat returned from a late-night hunt and found his way to her lap. Elle scratched him fondly behind his one remaining ear. The smoke grey Cat purred contently. "It was just us for so long" Elle murmured.

In some ways, Elle never thought about the time she had spent alone at all. In other ways, she never stopped thinking about it. She could go days or even weeks where the only things on her mind were Quidditch and the next assignment due. But she still kept a small cache of food in her bedside table, though it had been a long time since she had missed dinner. Sometimes she still woke up in the middle of the night, the face of the man in the alley burning her eyelids. She thought of him every time she saw a thestral.

Foods that were safe to eat if you scraped the mold off, and the foods that were bad all the way through the second you see a hint of green, how to layer newspaper under your jumper for insulation, which streets got quiet at night and which got louder – all useless pieces of information she would never forget. Cat had once nipped her finger from dusk till dawn to keep her awake when it had been too dangerously cold to sleep. She still had that scar, right under the knuckle of her left pinky. It burned white in the cold. That had been the night she thought she was closest to death. But it had not been the only time the thread that held her life had almost snapped. She had lived under near constant tension.

All Elle wanted to know was why. What had been so important, so dangerous, that her mother would knowingly leave her to those harsh months? Sure death. That was the only good answer Elle had come up with. Her mother would not abandon her to possible death if survival was guaranteed to be impossible in the alternative. But why?

Elle was running, running, running, but the second-floor corridor of Hogwarts was never ending. The door in front of her, that she knew she had to get to, was shrinking until it was no bigger than a keyhole, and still it stayed just as far away. There was light streaming from behind the door, the sound of laughter, and a high sweet voice singing 'oh how happy we could be'. There was the smell of roasted chestnuts and cigarettes.

An awful feeling, like the twist of a curved knife, stabbed her stomach, and she fell to floor, sobbing. There were cracks in the flagstone, and the dirt that covered her knees was rust red. The suit of armor in front of her was rusted too, and as Elle looked around her the castle started crumbling, iron bars growing over the windows. There was something dark behind her, she could feel it growing and growing. The knife in her stomach twisted deeper. Shaking, Elle turned her head to meet the shadow straight on-

Ruth woke her up with a light touch on her shoulder. Elle looked around wildly, her mouth dry, her heart in her throat. Asleep. She had fallen asleep. The distant sounds of the clocktower indicated it was seven a.m. "Morning" Ruth greeted. Her eyes were soft and kind. They did not betray for a second that Ruth had found her in the middle of a nightmare, curled up on the window seat, her mother's letter on her lap. For that, Elle was thankful.

Breakfast was quiet, even more so because Albus and Scorpius still hadn't returned from their suspension. Elle felt their absence acutely, the panic she had felt when they hadn't arrived back at the meeting point still fresh in her mind. "Are you sure-" Elle started for the third time since she'd started her porridge. "Yes" Rose said firmly, also for the third time. "We're in this together, Elle." Elle ignored the word that floated to the back of her head.

No one mentioned directly why Albus and Scorpius had been suspended. They had all read the letter Albus had sent explaining everything together. They had all felt the same shame. "How could we have known" had been the only words spoken. Sam's words. It was true enough. But it didn't cushion the blow entirely. She could feel the doubt it had sparked, as hard as her friends tried to hide it. Breakfast was quiet. It was going to be a long day.

"No."

Elle almost screamed, but she fought to keep her voice even. "Why not?" James Potter ran a hand through his messy red hair. "Because." Elle moved to cut him off as he tried to turn away. The older boy sighed in exasperation. "Not good enough" Elle said. Despite her best efforts, the desperation was creeping into her voice. James only rolled his eyes.

Elle could faintly hear the giggles behind her as she continued to follow James while he tried to sidestep her in the corridor. She knew that Imogen Davies was waiting for him at the corner. James clearly wanted to join her.

"Just give me the cloak, and you can go meet your girlfriend." Elle said as she cut off another one of James's attempts to deke her out. "I share the cloak with Albus, not with his friends. Albus isn't even at school right now, for Christ's sake. And don't tell me you had nothing to do with that." Elle blushed. "One more step and I'll hex you" James threatened, as Elle blocked him again. He looked like he meant it.

"You said you owed me one" Elle said softly, standing still. Her voice had the slightest tremble in it. The annoyance in James's eyes dampened to a kinder regard. "Anything else" James said, finally getting past her, "ask me for anything else. That's a promise." A second later James had turned the corner with Imogen, and Elle found herself standing alone in the corridor, a lump in her throat. She took the long way back to the library.

Her friends took the news just as she had expected them to. With scared, furtive glances, followed immediately by proclaiming their continued support. "We're still coming" Rose declared, with a finality in her tone that Elle disregarded. "No. I won't have you lot suspended for me too. We agreed that you could be a lookout for me if you had the cloak. I can go alone. I'm the only one who can turn invisible." "You need a lookout" Sam disagreed. "You know McGonagall doubled the night patrols after Albus and Scorpius got caught. I was with you when you overheard Daffyd complaining about it." Ruth added. "If they hear you talking…" Rose trailed off. Elle bit her lip. She herself wasn't sure what would happen if she was interrupted in her meeting with mother. She really didn't want to take any chances. But she also didn't want any more of her friends suffering because of her. It was all too confusing, she didn't know what she wanted.

"NO" Elle said. She knew immediately by the way heads from other library tables whipped around to look at her that she had spoken too loudly. Elle hurriedly got up, not waiting for Madam Pince to kick her out for yelling. She barely waited until she was out of the large doors to break into a run. It took her a few minutes to hear the wheezing behind her.

Elle slowed, turning around. Isidre was bent over, breathing heavily. "You're… fast." Isidre gasped out. He was easily four inches shorter than Elle. He must have been sprinting to try and catch up with her. Elle felt a surge of affection towards her friend.

Isidre's round face was still red with effort several minutes later as the two walked side by side. It was several more minutes before she realized that they weren't walking aimlessly. Even after Isidre's breath had regulated, they still didn't speak until they reached the clearing.

"They come without the food now" Isidre said softly, as the soft stamping of thestrals in the snow announced their presence. He curled up comfortably underneath a tree, pulling out a book. Elle thought for a minute, and then joined him. She watched the thestrals quietly for several moments.

"I can't do this to my friends" Elle said softly after a time. Isidre looked up from his book. "Friends help friends." Elle watched as a fairly large spider made an intricate web in the branches above them. She fought the constriction in her throat. "Maybe it's better for everyone if I do this alone." "I know what it's like to be alone" Isidre said darkly, "it's never better." Elle thought about what it had felt like, truly felt like, to be alone. She swiped the underside of her thumb over her left pinky. The scar was bright white in the March winds.

"I know what it's like to be alone too" Elle said. Isidre nodded. He knew. Loneliness knows loneliness. Maybe it's something in the eyes, maybe it's something more intangible. But Elle had been well acquainted with a part of Isidre before they had even met.

Isidre traced a finger under a line in his book. "Check out this hex – does something like silencio, but it looks easier. Bet you could get this one quicker. Might come in handy." Elle leant over to read from the old black leather book. "This is a cool book" Elle said, skimming through the rest of the page. Isidre smiled. "Let's practice a few before dinner." Elle's wand was already in her hand.

"Okay. It's almost midnight" Elle whispered, her voice barely louder than a breath. She could feel her heartbeat thrumming in her chest. She was so close. They hadn't dared make their way to the second corridor until now, knowing the longer they lingered in one place, the higher the risk of being discovered.

"We've got the plan solid?" Elle asked. Four faces, barely lit by the torches around them, nodded solemnly. Ruth's watch, loose on Elle's wrist, indicated it was five minutes to midnight. She pointed to Sam and Isidre, who set off, as quickly and as silently as they could. They were going to keep watch on the far end of the second-floor corridor. Rose and Ruth would be keeping watch on the closer end. Everyone had been instructed to run if they saw red sparks from either side, indicating someone was on their way.

Elle waited until She could no longer make out the forms of the two boys as they descended down the corridor. Her heart was hammering now. Two minutes. She had a peculiar feeling in her stomach, like she could either throw up or break the world record for the hundred-meter sprint at any moment. Ruth and Rose gave her thumbs up as she slowly walked towards the door 222.

She checked her watch. 1 minute. Thirty seconds. Cold sweat pricked the back of her neck and slicked her palms. She was standing right in front of the door. She could hear her own blood rushing through her ears. She reached out a trembling hand. She felt the cold metal of the doorknob. Distant bells chimed midnight. Elle pulled.

The door didn't move. It was locked. Panic started rushing up like a tsunami wave, and Elle had to bite her lip so hard she tasted blood to stave it off. Focus. "Alohamora" Elle breathed, tapping her wand softly against the polished brass. She turned the knob again. It didn't budge. It was 12:01. Elle's breath hitched. "Alohamora" she said again, speaking more loudly, tapping more insistently. Again, the door did not budge.

Panic roared again. Elle ignored the sweet spit that coated her mouth. Her stomach was definitely leaning more towards puking now. Her fingers fumbled in her hair, finally pulling out the small metal bobby pin that kept her plait neat. It had been months since she'd used this on the broom shed of the summer farm. The next two minutes were unsuccessful. Elle cursed, tried more desperately, then stopped. Breathed. She started again, her fingers steadier and slower now.

A shower of red sparks erupted from the far side of the hallway. Elle ignored it, just as she had known from the very creation of the plan that she would. She heard a faint click. She was close now. She heard the footsteps of Ruth and Rose retreating. A second click. The seconds were passing faster and faster. There were footsteps approaching. Her hand was on the doorknob. It turned without protest. Elle's heart might explode.

There was a hand on her wrist. "Elle" the voice was shrill, it was Sam. "Elle, we have to go!" Elle fought the pull on her arm. The door was open, her eyes were scanning desperately, locking on the fire. The yank on her arm was harsher now, enough to unbalance her. Suddenly, her eyes were not looking at the fire anymore, as she was forcefully dragged down the corridor. The next few minutes were filled with nothing but the screaming of tired muscles and the gasps of insistent breath.

It took Elle a second to register when they stopped moving. She was in her dorm, in Ravenclaw tower. She blinked once, twice, almost convincing herself it had all been a dream. But Clementine's shriek of "what are you doing here?" directly at Sam was enough. The two stumbled back out of the dorm, crashing onto a deep blue couch.

Sam was speaking rapidly, something about Isidre and a patrol, but Elle could barely hear him. It hadn't been a dream. Elle had actually seen what had appeared in the fire of room 222. She looked at Sam with so much intensity that he stopped speaking in the middle of a word. "I saw her." Sam blinked in confusion.

"I saw my mother's face."