She'd slept about four hours. Sadly, that was about her average for the last few days. She was already on her second cup of coffee, and she couldn't wait for the oatmeal muffins she had made to finish baking. Amy had gone to the barn a half hour ago, and Lisa was sure Tim was there helping her. For that, she was extremely grateful, having the entire family around to help right now because running a ranch was a job all in itself when you did remember things. For the moment, she was enjoying the quiet time in the kitchen; she always liked this part of the morning. Jack was such an early riser, wanting to get the chores done to join her for breakfast, and usually, he'd get up, and Lisa would doze for another half hour or so, then would get up and get herself somewhat put together, and then, she would start breakfast. Today, she was still in her pajamas, not wanting to disturb Jack who was still sleeping. She'd cracked the door to check on him and had left it, hopeful she'd hear him moving about when he got up.
Lisa might have turned on the morning news, but again, she was trying to keep the house quiet for Jack, so she sat at the kitchen table and opened her laptop. She did need to take care of some Fairfield business, having put it on the back burner this last week or so. Work was going pretty well, but Lisa had to check a few financial reports and reply to a few emails. That she could do while she waited on the muffins.
Sadly, her mind started to wander, thinking back over the last few days, the mess that that they were now in.
"Jack?" Lisa eyed him, shaking her head. "Jack, it's me, Lisa. Can you see me?"
He waved his hand, grunting in pain, "Who are you? Yes, I can see. What happened? Why am I in the hospital? I wasn't," he paused, trying to think and shook his head. "I wasn't in the car accident with Marion and Amy, was I? No," stopped and then almost teared up, "they told me Marion died. Did she? Where is Amy? Where is Lou? Is Lou back in New York. She was only coming home for the funeral. She lives and works in New York. Where's Amy? Who is watching out for Amy? She's only 15. She needs me."
Lisa's face, even though she couldn't see it, went ghastly white. She knew it and could almost feel the color drain out of it. She fumbled around, looking for the call button there on the bed, pressing it, wanting help immediately."
"You aren't a nurse-"
"No," she said, meeting his eyes, shaking her head at him. "Jack, Honey, I'm Lisa. I'm your wife. It's 2024. Marion passed away, yes, in an accident, but that was 2007-"
"It is 2007," he told her.
"No," she put her hand on his as he started to wave it again, and she looked into his eyes. "It's 2024. It's been almost 18 years since that accident. You are 84 years old now, not 67 like when that happened and when I met you-"
"I don't know you!" Jack exclaimed, clearly frustrated and agitated. Amy had gone downstairs for coffee for the two of them, and Lisa was almost frantic for her to reappear now. Lou had gone home to relieve Katie with Lyndy. Tim and Jess had been out of town for the day on a photography expedition to some wild nearness area and would be back later into the night. Lisa had told them not to rush back, not after learning Jack had 'just' two broken ribs, but they were on the way. Peter was traveling for work, down in Texas, but he had told Lou he'd come home the next day, again even when being told he didn't need to do so. The family was all rallying, but at this moment, Lisa was in a panic, not able to calm down the person she loved most.
"Do you need something?" Lisa heard and looked to the door to see the nurse.
"Yes, the doctor, right away. He has some memory lapse, please, hurry," she said, her voice in evident panic, as she made eye contact with the nurse.
"What is going on?" Jack almost yelled out again, Lisa turning back to him, patting his hand. He jerked it away, "Tell me who you are!"
"I'm your wife, Jack, as I said. I'm Lisa."
"I was married to Lyndy, only Lyndy. I don't know you and marrying someone else doesn't sound like me. I know I really, really loved her, even long after she died."
She heard the familiar sound of feet shuffling and looked up from her memory, sighing at it, trying not to let the hurt she'd felt with Jack saying all the things he'd said to her linger, just in time to see Jack gingerly walking into the kitchen, rubbing his face as he moved. He looked rough, rough like he had after breaking so many ribs just a couple years ago. They'd gotten through that one pretty well, all things considered because Lisa did know how to negotiate with Jack, and he'd not wanted to upset her. She'd learned so much after the missteps with his heart attack years and years ago, but this was all new territory. She gave Jack a soft smile as he slowly reached the counter, putting his hand on it and looking around in the kitchen.
"Hey, good morning," she said, hoping that her soft smile didn't spur on another argument. He'd really been frustrated with the apparent state of things from last he could remember. He didn't remember Lisa, and that crushed her. "Would you like some coffee?"
Jack gave her a nod, still not really talking, but he then gestured and spoke, "Suppose you'll tell me I'm drinking some crazy coffee concoction these days, all those fancy coffees, what espresso, all that junk. I'm guessing you drink that."
"No," she said with a single nod and smile, pointing toward him, where he was standing by the coffee pot. "Your coffee is still the same, all these years later. One of the things that hasn't changed is that. Still the same coffee brand, similar coffee pot, I mean, that it's not a fancy one, very basic, just that we've gone through three or four coffee pots over the last 18 years, but it's there behind you. I can get you a cup if you wan to sit down."
He frowned, almost snarled, "I can get my own coffee."
"Okay, I know," she said, raising her hands in defense. "Cream is here on the table," she gestured to it, and he pulled out a mug and poured his coffee before turning back to the table where Lisa was working.
"Just need cream, no sugar," he said, shuffling to the table, his hand resting on his side. Lisa wanted to jump up and help him, but she knew that would really backfire, so she sat there and watched, nodding.
"I know," she said with a small smile. "That's how we both take our coffee, cream no sugar. Neither one of us like fancy coffee. I realize you don't remember anything about me, but I've known you almost 18 years, Jack. Believe it or not, we've probably now had thousands of cups of coffee around this table and spent hundreds of hours talking over coffee. I've got oatmeal muffins in the oven. They will be done in," she leaned around him to look, "eight minutes."
He frowned again as he groaned, putting his hand back on his side as he stood there, bracing himself at the kitchen chair. It was almost like he didn't want to sit, "Oatmeal muffins?"
"Oh yes," she said nodding, still a soft smile on her face, "actually, they are some of your favorites."
"I don't remember them."
She bit her lip," I know. I'm trying, Jack. This is a pretty normal routine in the morning, well, except for you coming back in from the barn usually. You'd get the chores done with Amy and Tim, early usually, and then, you'd come in for breakfast with me. We often have eggs and toast or muffins, sometimes if the great-granddaughters want them, pancakes. My oatmeal muffins have become your favorite."
"I just remember liking blueberry."
She nodded, "You did, until you had my oatmeal. I mean, you still love blueberry too, but these and oh, pumpkin muffins in the fall have become your favorites. You can try them again this morning."
"I think I'll freshen up," he gestured to the bathroom, "that is if I can find my way around all of the products out on the bathroom sink."
Lisa chuckled, nodding, "Hmm, yes, well, with a household of women, that is a problem. We talked about adding another bathroom-"
"I don't want to do that."
"Exactly what you said when the girls brought it up a few years ago, so we all make do." He scowled slightly but shuffled toward the bathroom. Lisa watched, biting her lip as he shuffled in that direction, Jack in his slippers, flannel pants, waffle style undershirt, and robe. She just sighed, watching as his figure disappeared from sight, into the bathroom, and she looked back at her computer. Perhaps getting lost in her work this morning was the best answer.
Lisa looked up from her laptop a few minutes later when Jack made his way back to the kitchen. It was still very early, just about 6:30 now, but she'd gotten up partly because she wasn't sleeping well, but also knowing that Jack, a creature of habit, might be up early anyways. So, she'd made the muffins and tried to wake herself up with coffee. So far, she was feeling every bit her age and older, glancing down to her now empty second cup of coffee. She watched Jack, giving him another soft smile as he shuffled closer to her.
"Did you sleep okay?"
"That pillow is stiff," he complained, and she sighed, hoping he didn't hear her.
She nodded, though, in agreement, "It helps with your snoring."
"I don't-" and before he could finish that sentence, she tilted her head and glared at him. It was hard to talk to Jack right now. He wanted to argue everything, and yet, he didn't realize all that had changed with the family and all that they knew about him. "Okay," he raised his hand in defense, "it's not a flat pillow."
She nodded, "I know. You actually have grown to really like that pillow. Maybe try it, get used to it-"
"I don't want to get used to anything! I just want things to go back to how they were. All these new faces-"
"I'd love that too," she said, almost sternly, nodding at him. "I really would, Jack. The problem is that the 'how they were' for you and 'how they were' for me or the rest of us are very different, 18 years different, in fact. You want Amy to still be 15; she's a grown woman. Our great-granddaughter, Katie, is almost 15. That's how long it's been. I want things to go back to what I remember as 'how they were' which is how things were just a week ago now. We were really happy, and now, hearing you don't even know me or want me here-"
He paused, thinking about things as he made his way around the small table. He nodded, trying to think everything over, but he didn't say more, at least not about that topic. He gestured to the table, "Okay if I sit at my own table?"
"Yes, of course," she sighed, and at that moment, it's as if she was saved by the bell, or the timer, for that matter. The muffins were done, and as Jack sat, Lisa stood, walking to the oven. He watched as she worked there in the kitchen, gesturing at her.
"You seem to know your way around."
She eyed him, nodding, "I do. Lou and I make all of the meals here."
"Lou doesn't cook-"
"She does," Lisa nodded. "She's become a good cook, something she stared working on after Marion died. You do know Lou, that she can't sit still, and someone had to cook. She started trying," Lisa paused, smiling as she recalled the memories. "She wasn't very good to start," she let a laugh escape.
"But, she cooks now?"
Lisa nodded, putting the muffins in a large bowl that was the standard there on the kitchen table, bringing it over to the small table. She eyed Jack as she sat back down, "I taught her a lot about cooking and baking. She doesn't like to bake much, mostly just her banana bread, but yes, she's a good cook. Her favorite meal to make is pot roast, and yes, you enjoy that very much. I like to bake, especially pies, and you enjoy anything I seem to bake. The family favorite meal I make is lasagna, and yes, you like that a lot, but Lyndy puts away the most lasagna."
"Lyndy?" Jack raised an eyebrow and shook his head with a frown. "Still weird to hear that I have a great-granddaughter named after Lyndy. You're telling me that little girl eats the most lasagna?"
Lisa grinned, nodding, "It's her favorite. She is cute to watch when we have it. In fact, maybe I'll make it tonight."
"I'm not feeling like lasagna," he frowned.
"Ahh, okay," Lisa slightly frowned, nodding. "Does something sound good?"
"My stew," he looked at her. "I'm assuming I still make that."
"Oh, yes, you do, but I'm happy to cook. You've been through so much-"
"I want to make my stew. Now, I have this jar-"
"I know all about your jar," she patted his hand, and he looked at that, Lisa realizing he was about to jerk his hand away, so she pulled hers back, biting her lip. She nodded and met his gaze, "Ahh, years ago, when Katie was little, she and I were cleaning out the cabinets, and I accidentally put your jar in the recycle bin. Katie pulled it out to use for her paints-"
"It's not used for my stew?"
"Oh, calm down," she said, sighing. "Honestly, let me finish, Jack. I know this is frustrating for you, but the doctors said memories, or giving you memories, will help. Yes, you have your stew jar. I'd thought it was gone for a few days and didn't want to tell you I'd accidentally gotten rid of it. When that came out, I tried to replace it with something else, but one day, I saw Katie using it for her paints, so yes, she used it for a couple of days, but it is a glass jar, and it's back in the cabinet," she pointed to the corner, "and is still used for your stew."
He huffed, nodding, and then he gestured, "I guess I'll have to tell Katie it's not for painting."
"No, you will not," Lisa said with a nod. "She was like, what four or so at the time, 10 years ago, Jack. It's long over."
Jack started to sip at his coffee, and Lisa stared to sip at hers but remembered it was empty. She stood to get more coffee, offering to top off Jack's cup, which he did let her do. Once she was seated again, he nodded.
"Thanks," he said to her.
"You're welcome," she told him, moving her laptop.
"Fancy computer," he told her. She made a face.
"Pretty standard now for these days. You know," she gave him a nod, "you even use it some."
"I don't use a computer," he said with a shake of his head.
"You do," she grinned, "sometimes, not a lot. Often, if you need something, we look it up together." She tried to smile at him, but he looked down. She looked to her coffee too, a sigh escaping her lips. Jack broke the silence.
"So, you're a horse breeder?"
"I am," she told him. "My parents started the stable, Fairfield."
"I think I knew your father."
"You did, not well, but you did. We've talked about that, the fact you knew him."
"And, I married you?" Jack asked, looking at Lisa, and her spirit was about crushed, with the way he looked at her, the way he said it, all of it. She was really trying not to take things personally, to understand what he must be feeling, but oh, it was a struggle for sure.
"Well, you don't have to be too horrified, but yes. Sorry it's such a disappointment for you to see."
"No," he gestured wildly with his hand, "I don't understand how I'd ever marry someone younger than my own daughter, some fancy horse breeder, no offense meant-"
"Of course," she nodded. Before she could say more, the two heard the door and both heads turned to it, seeing Amy step inside.
"Oh, you're up," Amy said to Jack. She'd already spoken to Lisa. Amy, wiped her forehead, specifically now talking to Lisa. "Wow, it's going to be a hot one today. Height of the summer, I suppose. I'm already drenched and ready for a shower."
"Honey, there's still coffee, and the oatmeal muffins are here, ready to eat. We haven't had any yet."
Amy nodded, stepping toward them, "Excuse me if I'm smelling a bit ripe with the heat and the horses. She looked to Jack as she walked over to fill up her cup of coffee, "Grandpa, how are you feeling?"
"Like I don't know my own body. Everything hurts," he grumbled. "It's like I woke up in the body of some old duffer that I don't remember."
Amy nodded, walking back to stand between Lisa and Jack. She nodded, "Well, in a way, you kinda did. I must say for your age, you do really well. We all say that. You still ride-"
"How is Paint these days?" Jack looked to Amy. Amy glanced at Lisa, and Lisa scrunched up her face, and gave Amy a nod. Amy turned back to Jack.
"Well, umm, Paint died, years ago, Grandpa. I'm so sorry." At that, Amy reached for his hand, and Jack's face went white. It was one of those moments he never expected to have thrown at him.
"Paint died?"
"He got old, Jack," Lisa jumped in. "He collapsed a few times in the field."
"Why didn't Scott-"
"Scott and Ty, mostly Ty, took care of him then," Amy explained. "Ty was with you when Paint passed away. He made sure it was peaceful."
"Ty? This the Ty you married that I don't remember?"
"Jack, you adored Ty," Lisa said with a loving smile as she looked at him and then at Amy. She gave a nod at Amy as she addressed Jack, "You thought of Ty as the son you never had and became a wonderful vet. He was very special, started here as a young man working the ranch, in fact," she glanced at Amy, "just a few weeks before I met all of you."
"That's right," Amy nodded, now chewing the muffin. "Ty and Lisa came into the family about the same time, and honestly, Dad showed back up around the same time."
"I do not want to discuss Tim Fleming! That man is not welcome in my home!"
"Jack," Lisa said, reaching over to touch his hand. Amy eyed Lisa, and Lisa tried to make eye contact with Jack. He pulled back his hand again, crossing his arms. Lisa sighed, dropping her head.
"Grandpa, I know you don't want to believe this or maybe even hear it, but it's been a really long time. You and Dad have worked through so much, and honestly, Lisa and I say it all the time-while you two irritate each other to no end, you are each other's best friends these days. Dad is Dad. We all are very much aware of his schemes, his big ideas, all of it, but he's come a long way. He doesn't drink, hasn't in years. He's done a lot to repair things with Lou and with me. He's a good grandpa, even if he's like a little kid with Georgie, Katie, and Lyndy," and at that, Lisa let a laugh escape. Amy grinned at Lisa, and both women nodded. "Even Jess," Amy waved her hand, "sure, that took everyone by surprise, and while she's really different-"
"Nothing like Marion, nothing. I'm not fond of her either, but knowing Tim, I can't imagine any woman he found to marry him is some catch, not after Marion."
"Oh, Jack," Lisa sighed. "You've barely met her now since the accident. Stop."
"Even Jess," Amy tried again, "is good for Dad. I'll admit, they can both be pretty self-absorbed, but you know, it works for them. It's like they work well together like that. She was Lou's boss in New York-"
"Tim married Lou's boss? Oh, that figures," Jack said with a smirk. "Of course, he did. He was always after some woman or another after Marion. I heard the stories. Drinking, woman after woman, probably has a slew of kids out there," he waved his hand. Lisa and Amy both grimaced, and Jack noticed it, "What?"
Lisa nodded, "Shane. He's Tim's son, Lou and Amy's half-brother. Shane and his wife, Chloe, just got married here, not that long ago, several months ago. We can discuss that all later, but yes, he and Miranda are Shane's parents."
"Who's Miranda?"
"Grandpa," Amy tried to get his attention again, "let's not worry about that now. You originally asked about Paint. He died, and you and Ty put him down. Ty was a vet, and it was very peaceful."
"That doesn't sound like me. I didn't use vets for that."
"You did with Paint," Lisa said sternly. "You couldn't do it, Jack. He was too special to you. He was special to me, I mean, Paint stood over you when you had your heart attack and fell to the ground."
"Heart attack," he grumbled. "That reminds me I need to know about that. I heard you telling some doctor about that in the hospital."
"All in good time," Lisa nodded, "and yes, I did. I told him you've been in great health since that happened, just about 12 years ago."
"So, back to the horses," Jack looked to Amy. "I assume I ride some horse now?"
Amy and Lisa nodded, but Amy answered, "Your horse now is Blue. He's quite special, really a one-man horse, but I ride him some. I rode him yesterday making sure he had some exercise."
"Blue," Jack repeated, and both women nodded. He looked to Amy, "What horse do you have?"
"Spartan," Amy nodded, with a smile. "He was the horse Mom and I rescued the night-"
"The night she died," Jack finished, nodding. "I know there was a horse."
"He's that horse, but he is slowing down some now too. Still a great horse."
"Amy is being modest," Lisa patted her arm. "Spartan is a fabulous horse. She's jumped him, ridden in competitions, all of it. Great at ranching, a very special horse."
Jack eyed Amy, "You jump?"
Amy nodded, "Well, not anymore, but I did."
"And she was fantastic," Lisa beamed.
He pointed to her, "Did you get her into English riding?"
"No, not exactly, I just bought those jumps out there way back when, but that's another story."
Jack sighed, looking to his coffee. Lisa gestured to the basket, where Amy was getting a second muffin, "Honey, try a muffin."
He eyed her at the sweet name. Lisa closed her eyes and let out her breath, "Jack, you need to eat." His eyes locked on hers, he did retrieve a muffin. Lisa looked to Amy, both women feeling like they were walking on eggshells. Jack took a bite of the muffin but didn't comment on it. Instead, he looked back to Lisa.
"So, these horses?"
"Yes, my breeding ones?"
"No, the ones at the ranch. I don't recognize any of them." He looked to Amy, "You're telling me I ride Blue." She nodded, and he continued, "You have Spartan." Amy nodded again. Jack looked back to Lisa, gesturing, "Do you ride, I mean Western or are your one of those who just like your fancy English ways?"
"Grandpa! Be nice!" Amy exclaimed, shaking her head. Lisa's mouth was open, not sure if she should respond, but Amy gave her an encouraging nod, and Lisa bit her lip before doing so.
"I ride English and Western, yes. I rode a lot more English before I met you, but I've come to love long trail rides with you, especially up on the ridge. We do that a lot. My horse is Duke, and you bought him two years ago for me. He's a wonderful trail horse-"
"I'm sure nothing like horses you breed. I can imagine the type-"
"No," Lisa said firmly, meeting Jack's gaze. "What I breed is vastly different from any sort of ranch horse. I love Duke, and he's perfect here. I only sometimes ride one of the horses I raced and have bred, and that is Platinum Bow, but right now, he's being bred."
"Platinum Bow?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "Fancy name."
"Well, he did win the Kentucky Derby," Amy told Jack, and Jack's eyes widened, looking at Lisa. He gestured at her.
"You have a horse that won the Kentucky Derby?"
"I do," she nodded. "Few years ago now."
"That's the type of horse you breed?"
"It is," she said, a single nod to him.
"Grandpa, you're very proud of Lisa and her work. She works really hard here and has to travel sometimes to France, but she hasn't done that much lately."
"France," Jack almost hissed. "Now there's a place I never want to go."
"Oh, don't remind me," Lisa smirked. "You've been there."
"I have not been to France," he stated, but as he said that, Amy turned to the bookshelf there next to the desk and retrieved a picture from it. It was one from France, one in front of the Eiffel Tower, Jack and Lisa together, and while the trip had been a mess, that had been a great picture of the two and had stayed on the bookshelf for years and years.
"You went to France for Lisa a long time ago," she explained, handing him the picture. He studied it, looking at Lisa, almost silently wondering, she could tell, if he thought it was a real picture. He handed it back to Amy and looked at Lisa, "I went to France?" Lisa quietly nodded, dropping her head.
"We can talk about that later," she finally met his gaze and waved her hand. "Oh, just so you know, yes, you did hate it, and that's the only time you've gone."
"Yeah, even though your house there is amazing and so beautiful," Amy added.
"You own a house in France?" Jack asked, eyeing Lisa. She shrugged in agreement.
"So," Jack sat back in his chair and looked at the women, "So, on such a basic topic as my horse, I've now been told all this-Paint died. I ride Blue. Spartan and Duke are two of the horses now here-"
"Harley is also in the barn, I mean, the four stalls are Blue and Duke, side by side, Harley at the end, and Spartan."
"Harley," Jack nodded.
"Lyndy's horse," Lisa offered, and before Jack could comment, Lisa put her hands on the table. "Amy has made little Lyndy into a fabulous rider already. She loves barrel racing."
"Harley was Ty's horse," Amy said quietly, giving Jack a small smile. Jack just nodded with the information.
"Blue, Duke, Spartan, Harley," he told them and looked to Lisa. "You're telling me I up and married you, a horse breeder and racer, and that your horse won the Derby?"
"That's correct," Lisa told him. "I know it's a lot."
Jack sighed, dropping his head. The silence took over the room, and finally, Amy broke it. "Ahh, I'm going to get that shower. I'm feeling pretty nasty, and then I'm betting Lyndy will be up." She grabbed for the coffee pot again, filling her cup, and gesturing to Lisa who nodded. Once Amy had refilled all three adults, she gave Lisa a look. Lisa nodded that it was fine for Amy to get her shower, leaving her alone with Jack again.
"Look, I know it's a lot to try and grasp."
"Oh," he huffed, "you have no idea."
"You're right, but I'm trying, and it's a lot for me too, just in different ways. Just a few days ago, you and I were really happy and spending so much time together. I was serious that we spent a lot of time riding Blue and Duke. Those horses have a special bond because we spend so much time together on them."
"Maybe I just need to get some fresh air and go for a ride," he started to stand. Lisa reached over to put her hand on his.
"Jack, the doctor doesn't want you riding for at least another week. Honey, you have to rest."
"I don't know you!" Jack said at the term of endearment again, and Lisa's face redden. She nodded.
"Sorry, just a habit. I call you Honey all the time." He eyed her but didn't say anything. He sat back into the chair even though he'd not quite stood up.
Finally, he gestured at her, "I can't imagine I have some name for you. That doesn't sound like me. I never called Lyndy things."
She paused, pursing her lips, trying to get him to meet her gaze, and when he did, she nodded at him, "You mostly call me Lise. You're the only one who does."
"Because Lisa is so long?" Jack grumbled, and that actually had Lisa chuckling and nodding.
"Well, true, not that Lisa is a long name to begin with, no, but it's sweet, just you calling me that. Sometimes you call me Sweetheart, but it's mostly Lise. I call you Jack, Honey, or well, Cowboy."
"Cowboy?" Jack asked, eyeing her like he was shocked that would be an option.
She smiled softly, nodding, "I'm the only one who calls you that, and yes, you are my cowboy, almost like the knight in shining armor to me. I love calling you Cowboy, and truthfully, you love that I call you that."
"Cowboy," he spit out, trying it out, but shaking his head.
She nodded again, humming, "Yes, Cowboy, for better or worse, Jack."
He eyed her, "We need to talk about this wedding, this marriage," he gestured between them, "because I'm still trying to figure out how in the world it happened. It just doesn't sound like me at all."
Lisa pursed her lips, looked at her coffee, and she nodded, finally looking up at him. "Okay, yes, we can talk about that, but later today. I think we've both had a lot this morning already, and it's not even 8AM." Hearing noise, she looked over and could see Tim coming up into the house. She gestured at Jack, "That's Tim in from the barn, and just so we don't have World War III right now, why don't you get showered and dressed for the day? While you are showering, I'll get dressed in our room, and maybe we can sit down after that to talk more."
"Well, I heard that doctor. This could end anytime, but it could be permanent. If it is, you and I need to talk because I can't be married to someone I don't know."
Trying not to tear up, Lisa bit her lip an nodded, "Let's just get through this morning, first? Hopefully, that's not a bridge we have to cross."