JENNIE
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It's crazy to think about how quickly everything has changed. It's been three weeks since I showed up at Lisa's apartment unannounced. I didn't know it then, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made.
We have spent every weekend together since, and every time we part it gets harder and harder. It's scary honestly, loving someone so much.
But that's the thing with me and Lisa, I've always loved her this much. She's always been a part of me, my core, even when she wasn't around. I think no matter what happens in life she always will be. We're just connected that way.
I snuggle down into my coat as I make the less than five minute walk to the grill. It's late February, but I swear the temperatures are colder now than they were in January which is usually our coldest month.
In hindsight, I probably should have just driven, but I was half way to Joan's before the thought crossed my mind, and by that point I wasn't going to turn around and walk back home.
It felt good visiting Joan this morning. She seems better, happier. This foundation she's gotten involved with has done wonders for her. I'm floored by her ability to put herself out there so quickly after losing her son. But that's Joan. She's not one to wallow.
I can still see his loss etched all over her face. The pain is still with her, I doubt it will ever go away. But she's finding a way to manage, to get by, and she's helping others in the process.
I had to cut our visit a little shorter than I would have liked to, considering this is the first time I've been to visit in almost three weeks. But when I got a call from Rosé begging me to meet her at the grill for lunch, I knew I had to go. I could tell in her voice something was up.
By the time I push my way through the front door of the near empty restaurant, I swear to God I'm half frozen. Locating Rosé at a booth along the back wall, I quickly make my way over to her, sliding into the seat across from her before shrugging out of my coat.
She gives me a warm smile, her cheeks still red from the cold.
"Hey. Sorry it took me so long. I got held up by Joan. You know she couldn't let me leave without filling her in on what's been going on with Lisa, even though I tried to avoid it nearly the entire time I was there." I shake my head.
"You know Joan, she's like the meddling mother you never had." Rosé's comment might bother some people who've lost their mother, but considering mine was never the meddling type, I don't take offense.
"Lord knows that's the truth," I agree.
"Better she's occupied with your life than shutting herself off to the world, which is what we were afraid might happen after Michael."
Even though I know he's gone, every time I hear someone talk about him like that it still makes the back of my eyes burn with tears. I don't think, even after everything, that I've fully processed he's really never coming back.
"Agreed." I push back the emotion and focus on Rosé. "So, what was so urgent that you wanted me to meet you? Everything okay with you?" I ask, the waitress appearing before Rosé has a chance to answer.
Already knowing what I want without even looking at the menu, I order a tea and grilled chicken salad, while Rosé orders a grilled cheese from the kids menu, which is so her.
As soon as the waitress is gone, I pin my eyes back on her who is looking down at the glass of water in front of her.
"So, what's up?" I press for more when she makes no attempt to answer my earlier question.
"I'm pregnant." It leaves her mouth in a rush, and I swear my jaw practically hits the table.
"What? Oh my God! Are you really? Holy crap this is amazing. Does Chan know? I didn't even know you guys were trying? Wait, were you trying?" I ramble off so many questions she has no time to answer.
"Shit, I'm sorry." I laugh, shaking my head. "Can you tell I'm excited?" I practically bounce in my seat.
"Um, we weren't trying," she says, seeming unsure about the whole thing. "Honestly, if I hadn't had an annual checkup this week, it's hard to say how long it would have been before I found out because it didn't cross my mind in the least."
"Wow." I let out a slow breath, taking it all in. "Do you know how far along you are?"
"Nine weeks. I found out Monday and then went in today for an ultrasound to determine how far along. Since my periods are so sporadic and we always use a condom, I had no way of really tracking when it could have happened."
"Nine weeks? Holy shit, Rosé—you're pregnant!" I say, clearly way more excited than she is.
"I know, it's crazy." She shakes her head, a small smile finally forming on her lips.
The waitress reappears at our table, setting my tea in front of me. The moment she's gone I continue.
"So, Chan?" I ask.
"He knows." She knots her hands together on the table.
"And?"
"He's ecstatic." She sighs.
"But you're not?" I question.
"Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I mean, I've always wanted kids, but I thought I'd be a little older, a little more financially stable."
"You and Chan do fine for yourselves. Besides, if anyone can make this work it's you. You are the most flexible person in the world. This is just one more thing you'll have to adapt to. And I bet when that baby starts growing and you feel him or her moving inside of you, you're going to be so in love you won't be able to imagine a time that being pregnant ever felt like something to be unsure of."
"You think so?" she asks, voice soft.
"I know so." I give her a reassuring smile. "Besides, aunty Jen will babysit anytime you need. I'm gonna spoil that little baby rotten."
"Thank you, Jennie." Rosé reaches across the table and pats the top of my hand. "This is why I called you; you always talk me down and make me see the good in every situation."
"That's what friends are for," I remind her.
"Enough about me." She swipes her hand through the air like she's batting something away. "Tell me about you. How are things with Lisa?"
"Incredible." I can't hide my smile. It's impossible. Even the mention of her name makes me all giddy inside.
"Just look at you." She sits back in the booth and crosses her arms over her chest. "You're positively beaming."
"God, I can't help it, Rosé. She's..."
"Everything you thought she would be?" she interjects.
"And more." I laugh around the words. "So, so much more."
"It's been a long time coming for you two. I can't imagine how that must feel, loving someone as long as you've loved Lisa."
"It's surreal," I admit. "Sometimes I look at her and swear that I have to be dreaming."
"I'm so happy for you, Jen, truly." She takes a drink of water. "Have you spoken to Kai at all?"
"Not since he left." I shrug. "I still feel bad about everything, how easily I let him walk away after two years together."
"You can't help that you're heart wasn't truly in it. I've known for a very long time that you and Kai were never a forever thing. Besides, it's not just about how easy you let him walk away; it's also about how easily he left. He didn't fight for you any more than you fought for him. That's saying something."
"I never thought about it that way before," I admit.
"If Chan tried to leave me, I would be that crazy bitch throwing myself onto his back and refusing to let him go anywhere." She laughs at herself. "I would fight tooth and nail to keep him, screw pride. I love that man."
"Yeah, Kai and I never shared that kind of love. There was no passion, no intensity. I mean, we got along really well and I really care about him, but it's night and day from what I share with Lisa."
"And that's how you know it's worth fighting for." She smiles.
We spend the rest of lunch going back and forth between her pregnancy and my current whirlwind of a life. By the end of our meal I feel lighter, like just saying how I feel out loud to someone else made the weight easier to bear.
What Lisa makes me feel is unexplainable, like a tornado raging inside my body. I can't control it. I can't predict it. And to be honest, at times it's more than a little overwhelming.
I walk Rosé home first. She only lives a couple minutes from the grill but given her newfound condition, I just feel better knowing for a fact that she made it home safely.
After saying our goodbyes, I head back toward my house, my mind trying to process everything I learned during lunch.
I can't believe Chan and Rosé are going to have a baby. I also can't believe how much the knowledge of this has me thinking about having kids of my own, something I never really gave much thought to before Lisa came back into my life.
I round the bend in the road where my house sits on the corner, and my heart picks up speed when I see Lisa's car in the driveway. She wasn't supposed to be here until later this evening, and the knowledge that she's here now has me sprinting the rest of the way to the house and quickly pushing my way inside.
The second the door slams shut behind me, Lisa appears in the doorway of my kitchen, a huge smile on her face.
"There's my number one girl," she says, opening her arms seconds before I launch myself into her embrace.
Wrapping my legs around her waist, I hug her impossibly tight, not realizing until this very moment just how much I missed her. It's been four days since I've felt her arms around me, which in my book is entirely too long.
"What are you doing here?" I pull back and press my lips to hers before she can answer.
"Seems like someone's happy I came early," she murmurs against my mouth.
"You have no idea." I pull back, cupping her cheeks.
"I actually think I might have a clue." Her words have me kissing her again.
"Let's get you out of this coat." She breaks the kiss just before we get to the point of no return, both of us breathless by the time our lips part.
Setting me to my feet, she helps me out of my coat, tossing it on the couch before flopping down on the loveseat. Grabbing my hand she pulls me down with her, cradling me in her lap.
"You're so cold." She vigorously rubs her hands up and down my arms.
"What time did you get here?" I ask.
"About twenty minutes ago." She pushes my hair over my shoulder and kisses the side of my neck, her lips warm against my cool skin. "You know, you really shouldn't leave your front door unlocked." She pulls back to meet my gaze.
"I know everyone who lives here. I don't feel like it's necessary just to walk down the street." I shrug like it's no big deal.
"But it's not always about the people who live here, Jen. Someone you don't know could walk right into your house and then you could come home and not even know they're here," she warns.
"Look at you being all protective," I tease. "I don't think my mom ever locked our doors when I was a kid, and if I remember right neither did yours."
"Times have changed though, Jennie."
"Are you really that worried about it?" I ask, realizing how serious she's taking this.
"I am. You are all that matters to me. If something happened to you—I can't even think about it." She shakes her head, a tremor running through her body.
"Hey." I turn in her embrace, straddling her lap. "Nothing is going to happen to me," I reassure her.
"I've waited so long to love you like this. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified that something is going to happen to take you away from me again." The vulnerability in her eyes has me overcome with emotion.
"I know how you feel," I whisper, taking her face in my hands. "I'll lock my doors from now on," I promise, laying a soft kiss to her mouth.
"Thank you." She lets out a slow breath.
"So, I found out something pretty exciting today." I drop my hands to her shoulders, loving the way her fingers trace the skin of my lower back. "Rosé's pregnant," I blurt excitedly. "She found out earlier this week. She's still processing, but I guess Chan is over the moon."
"That's, wow. It's hard to think of Chan being a father. I still envision him as the punk kid who always used to chase you around teasing you."
"It was all in good fun. Besides, my mom always said he only messed with me because he had a crush on me."
"Yeah, that's my point," she grinds out.
"Well, clearly he got over it. Rosé is a billion times prettier than me and she's way sweeter, so I think he did okay for himself."
"Why do you do that?" she asks, her eyebrows drawn together as she stares back at me.
"Do what?"
"Why do you always talk as if you're so much less than everyone else?" There's a hint of anger in her voice.
"I don't know. I didn't realize I did," I answer only half truthfully.
"You've been that way since we were kids. Have you truly never seen what I see, what everyone sees, when they look at you?" she asks, her voice soft, questioning.
"I don't know. What do you see?" My voice is so weak I'm not sure she even hears the question right away.
But then her gaze softens, and a small smile plays at her lips.
"I see a girl so beautiful I lose my breath every time I lay eyes on her. Someone who defines selflessness and will give up her last dollar and go without if it means someone else doesn't have to. A girl who welcomed a little, scrawny kid to town with open arms and embraced everything about her on day one. Who stood behind her as she grew, loved her even through all her flaws, and forgave her at the drop of a hat for abandoning her when she needed her the most." She pauses, cupping my cheek.
"A girl who held her family together after her mother's death. Who gave up everything to make sure her brothers were given a chance at a good life. You sacrificed everything for them, the same way you always have, the same way you still do for the people you love.
"You're fiercely loyal. Strong. Independent. And with just one smile you bring me to my knees. You are everything, Jennie Kim. The stars and the moon. The sun and the sky. The very air I breathe. Don't ever believe you're anything less."
By the time she stops, the tears building behind my eyes have begun to spill over.
I had no idea, not even a clue that this is the person she saw. A person I'm realizing now that I've never seen until maybe this very moment.
"You don't see it because it comes so naturally," she continues, wiping away my tears with the pads of her thumbs. "You don't even notice you're doing it. That's one of many reasons why you stole my heart at ten-years-old and why it still belongs to you today."
I can't respond. I don't think I could formulate a coherent thing to say even if I tried. So I do the only thing I know to do. I grab her by the face and kiss her hard.
I use my touch, my kiss to express everything I'm feeling because that's the only way I know how to. There's no way to tell her how happy she's made me. How complete I finally feel after all these years of walking around with a gaping hole in my chest. A hole she put there all those years ago and one she's filled ten times over since coming back into my life.
"I love you," I speak against her mouth. "I've loved you over half my life."
"I love you, too." She kisses me deeper, my words seeming to undo the small knot holding her in place.
The next thing I know clothes are being torn off as fast as our fingers can move. Her touch is rough yet gentle, her kisses demanding yet tender. She's the perfect combination of hard and soft, and everything about her drives my body wild.
I've never wanted anyone the way I do Lisa.
I've never felt complete abandon the way I do with her.
I'm not concerned with anything except her touch, her kiss, the way she feels buried deep inside me. It's exactly where she belongs. It's where she's always belonged.
Being with Lisa isn't just a physical act, it's downright spiritual. She consumes me, marks me, claims me as hers. In doing so, she completes me.
Body, mind, soul and heart.
She is a part of me, she is everything.
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