I tap my foot nervously against the coffee table filled with magazines in front of me.
Parent Monthly. Today's Mother. The Mindful Mom.
Crap…. Are the other women here reading these?
I feel a hand on my thigh then and it startles me, bringing me out of my anxious stupor.
"Case", Cappie says quietly as he steadies my leg and I stop tapping.
"Sorry I'm just…", I trail off, shaking my head.
"You're the one that's been to these appointments before", He laughs. "I'm the rookie here. Not to mention I'm sitting beside a plastic model of a vagina".
I lean forward to look over at the model.
"Cap…", I give him a look. "That's a uterus".
"Oh…", He nods awkwardly as I struggle not to laugh at him. "Well see, at least I made you laugh".
I ease up a bit then and lean back in my chair with a sigh.
Me and Cappie had been in a bit of a groove lately. We talked more and more about things. Every day figured out at least a bit more of the details of this arrangement. I started to make a list of all the things I would need for the baby since we had absolutely 0 baby items.
Cappie held a formal meeting for the KTs, a rarity for them, and told them all that he was gonna be a dad. And afterwards we went and got pizza and he genuinely seemed excited about this whole thing. Said the guys were all up to babysit anytime we needed. Not that I would take them up on that. But it was sweet nonetheless.
Now we were at the gynaecologists office, the same one I went to last May to confirm the pregnancy, except I was pretty sure I was seeing a different doctor this time since last time I'd mostly just seen a nurse who broke the news that this whole thing was very very real. But I'd been able to get an appointment pretty quickly which was great.
And having someone else here with me wasn't so bad either. Since these appointments always seemed to make me nervous.
"Everyone here is so much older than us", I whisper to Cappie as I continue to play around with my bracelet on my wrist, nervously.
"Well… maybe a sixteen year old will show up and then we won't look so bad", He jokes with a shrug and then turns towards me further to look at me seriously. "Don't worry Case, it's gonna be fine".
"I know…", I nod, feeling embarrassed for even worrying. "I just want to make sure she's okay, and that I know how to be the best mom to her… Cap I read something online the other day about a woman who had a late stage miscarriage at 30 weeks… so I'm just paranoid I guess".
His face softens then as he looks at me empathetically.
"That's super rare Case. Plus, we'll see her in a few minutes and I'm sure she'll be totally fine and it'll ease all your worries", He smiles.
"Yeah, you're probably right", I nod and smile at him. "I'm really glad you're here".
"Well thanks for letting me. I'm not that nervous, more just excited to finally come to one of these", He smiles.
"Casey Cartwright!", the woman at the front calls out my name and me and Cappie sit up quickly and go follow the woman.
"Alright Casey, room 3 right in here", She gestures and leads us in. "Dr Goldsmith will be in to see you shortly. No need to change into a gown".
"Okay, thank you", I nod as she closes the door.
"Dammit so you're not going to be taking off your clothes in front of me today?", Cappie fakes disappointment, sarcasm in his tone. "That's the only reason I showed up!"
He never failed to make a joke out of any and every situation. But it was always in a way that made me laugh, made my nervousness about this whole thing fade away.
"You mean you didn't come to get a look at your daughter for the first time?", i giggle at him.
"Eh, I guess that parts not bad too", He smiles and I sit back on the reclining ultrasound chair as Cappie sits in the chair beside me.
"It is a lot nicer to have someone here with me", I smile at him. "Because they always throw a lot of info at you".
"Don't worry I'm here to take notes for you", He grins. "Not that I've ever done that in my life but for you… anything".
We hear a knock on the door then and we both sit up straight, ready to meet the doctor.
"Casey? Hi there, I'm Dr. Goldsmith", She smiles at me as she walks in the room. She has shoulder length brown hair and looks to be in her 40s. "And who's this?"
She smiles as she gestures over to Cappie.
"Hi, um this is my… um", I stammer nervously.
"The baby's father", Cappie says confidently, immediately saving me from my nervous stuttering. "I'm Cappie, nice to meet you".
He sticks out his hand to shake hers which she does and then she looks at me with a content smile.
"Well that's great. I'm really glad you have someone here with you, it makes the appointment a lot easier when someone is here to help you remember things", She sits down on her wheeling stool. "We're gonna be going over quite a few things today since you're a new patient here".
"Sounds good", I nod.
"So in your file here it says that you called in for an appointment last week and you're 22 weeks? And you've been to an OBGYN in Chicago", She asks.
"Yes, I was in Chicago over the summer and have come back here to Cyprus now so I just wanted to set up your with clinic", I say. "I'm gonna have her here in Cyprus".
I catch Cappie's eyes when I say that.
"Great, well we got your paperwork from Dr. Vaughans office in Chicago so we have all your previous ultrasounds and paperwork here which is great. Because you're a new patient here our policy is usually to do a pap smear, I'm sure it'll come back normal but we're just going to check for any abnormal cells and do a basic std screening", She explains. "We can do that at the end of the appointment.
"Okay", I nod. "Um… I had an std screening back in the spring at my OBGYN in Chicago and it was negative and I haven't… had intercourse since then".
I look at the doctor with an uncomfortable look and then look at Cappie with the same awkward glance.
"Okay great, thanks for telling me. That means we can probably just use your results from May and forget the screening. We're just going to be testing for abnormal cells but everything should come back normal. Most people, especially at your age, have very healthy pregnancies", she smiles at me.
"Okay good", I nod.
"So you've made it quite a ways into your pregnancy, are you having any issues arise? Any dizziness? Headaches? Body aches?", She asks, holding her clipboard.
"Nothing too bad. I feel like my lower back hurts more than usual but other than that I don't feel too bad", I say. "I had really bad morning sickness but, thank god, it's finally gotten better".
"That's great. I see that you're having a girl on your paperwork here", She smiles. "It's funny but we usually find that women with worse morning sickness end up carrying girls".
"Yay for me", I laugh slightly.
"Has sleeping been okay?"
"Yeah I find I have to get up to pee all the time", I laugh. "But I'm not too uncomfortable yet".
"Great. If it gets hard to sleep we often recommend pregnancy pillows, we sell them here for when you grow bigger", She smiles.
Growing bigger. Ugh. I already felt like a billion pounds.
"And have you felt her move?"
"A few times, yeah", I smile, touching my stomach. "Mostly at night I feel little popping feelings".
"Amazing. Her movements will likely become stronger in the next few weeks, which won't exactly be comfortable for you", She laughs slightly. "But it is a great sign".
"Great", I laugh awkwardly.
"And any abnormal discharge or bleeding?", She asks.
"No, just at the beginning of my pregnancy, before I knew… I bled for a bit and I thought it was just a really light period. But obviously it wasn't", I say awkwardly.
"That's not uncommon. It's called implantation bleeding and many mistake it for their period. But that's great that you haven't been having spotting. If you do start bleeding, don't freak out, oftentimes it's nothing but you should definitely call us if you start bleeding more than you think is just basic spotting", She advises me and I nod up and down and then look over to Cappie who looks like he's just sat through one of Rusty's science lectures.
"And you've been taking the prenatal vitamins?", She asks.
"Yep", I nod. "Every day".
"Well everything sounds great Casey. You've been doing a great job and you seem to be very healthy", She smiles. "How about we do the ultrasound now".
This part is always exciting to me and I see Cappie sit up in his chair, ready to finally see the baby.
"The best part of the appointment, right Dad?", Dr. Goldsmith smiles at Cappie who looks at her for a moment, his eyes wide, probably scared of the word 'dad'.
"Yeah", He nods nervously. "This is um… the first time I'm seeing her".
"Wow", She gives him a smile. "Well let's find her for you".
I pull up my top and then glance over to Cappie as he scoots his chair over slightly, so he's closer to my head.
I look over to him for a moment, giving him a nervous smile. It wasn't often I saw Cappie in this element, being nervous. Usually he was the most self assured, confident person I knew.
But I could tell he was nervous because he cares.
"Alright so this might be a bit cold", Dr. Goldsmith says as she puts the jelly across my small bump.
She waves the wand across my stomach until she finds the right spot to get a look at the baby.
"Alright", She says and then clicks to freeze the image. "There she is".
Cappie leans forward in his seat beside me.
"She looks good", I nod, sighing of relief. "She's okay right?"
Dr. Goldsmith gives me an empathetic look.
"It's natural to worry, but try not to Casey. Everything looks perfect. She's got all her fingers and toes", Dr. Goldsmith laughs slightly. "And is measuring great for 22 weeks. You're doing a great job".
"Thanks", I nod, contently, then feeling Cappie's hand grab onto mine gently.
"See Case, nothing to worry about", He says softly to me. "I can't believe it actually looks like… a baby".
"That's because it is Cap", I say with a laugh, turning my face to look in his eyes, but I'm taken aback when I realize that his appear watery.
"We can even do a 3D ultrasound if you want to, it's a bit more money but lets you really get a good look at the baby's face and features. You can think about it and come back anytime", the doctor explains.
"We should do that Case", Cappie says to me immediately.
"Okay", I nod, feeling excited at the idea of seeing her better.
"When you leave today just ask Alicia at the front and she can pencil you in anytime", Dr. Goldsmith says. "We can do it next time you come in".
"Awesome", I nod.
"Now how about we check her heartbeat?", Dr. Goldsmith moves the wand across my stomach again until we hear a strong, quick boom boom boom throughout the whole room.
"Wow….", Cappie looks floored. "It's so strong".
"It's at 120 BPM which is great. She's even moving around a little bit here", Dr. Goldsmith laughs slightly.
"Wow", Cappie whispers to me, and takes my hand up to his lips to kiss. The feelings that arise in my stomach as I watch him like this takes me by surprise. As much as I was telling myself I should get over Cappie, be just friends for the sake of the baby, I couldn't help the way I felt. I didn't want to get over him because this felt way better. Feeling close to him like this.
"I'm gonna make you guys some copies of the pictures", Dr. Goldsmith interrupts my thoughts. "When I come back we're just going to weigh you, do the Pap smear and then go over your birth plan".
"Okay", I nod, and sit up, using the paper towels she hands me to wipe off my stomach, suddenly nervous.
Birth plan? I didn't even think about a birth plan. Is that bad I was 22 weeks and hadn't figured that out yet?
"Don't worry, we have a lot more time to go over the specifics", Dr. Goldsmith could sense my nervousness. "It's just to get you to start thinking about how you want to bring her into the world, who you want there, if you want to use pain intervention, that kind of thing".
"Oh okay", I nod.
"I'll be back in a moment", she smiles and excuses herself.
When she's gone I look beside me to Cappie, giving him a slightly panicked look.
"Cap I haven't made a plan yet… I just thought that I would take it as it comes… which is stupid I guess and unlike me since usually karmic synergy is your thing but-", I ramble until Cappie cuts me off.
"Don't worry", He smiles at me nonchalantly. "You heard the doctor, she said you have lots of time to think about it".
"Okay", I nod, and then relax back onto the ultrasound chair.
"Just remember you're doing a good job", He touches my leg then. "Dr. Goldsmith told you that. I'm telling you that".
We laugh slightly.
"Yeah but you're biased", I smile at his attempt to make me feel better.
"You're taking your vitamins, eating well, making tough decisions for her sake. You're doing everything right Case", He says softly. "Which isn't surprising since I always thought you'd be good at this".
"You did?", I ask.
"Yeah of course I did", He looks at me, a glint in his eye, staring back and forth until Dr. Goldsmith interrupts the moment and we both sit up straight, our attention back to her.
"Alright Casey, I'm just going to have you step on this scale here", She instructs me as I get up and get on the scale.
Weighing myself was not exactly something I was happy about doing these days. I had never been more than 120 pounds in my life, and suddenly I was carrying a whole other small person.
"Perfect, that's a good weight", She notes, writing it down on her clipboard. "Keep eating well, keep up the healthy foods and you're perfectly on track to continue growing at a good rate".
"I feel like I'm already huge", I say with a laugh.
"Every woman thinks that halfway through the pregnancy but trust me, when you get to the end of your third trimester you'll think you were tiny now", She laughs.
"Great", I say sarcastically.
"So the next part of the appointment will be the internal exam", She explains. "I'll just check your cervix, make sure everything appears normal, and do a quick pap smear".
"Okay", I nod, slightly nervous about this. This was definitely my least favorite part of these appointments. It was uncomfortable and you felt vulnerable and awkward in front of the doctors. But, it was just one of the unfortunate parts of being a woman.
"So there's a gown here", She hands it to me. "And I'm just going to go out into the hall for a moment, let you change. It's totally your choice if you want your partner to be in the room or not".
I look to Cappie. Never did I ever think in a million years that I would be having a doctor poke around inside me, checking my cervix, with Cappie right next to me.
He looks to me and mutters something about it being my choice.
"Um, yeah I don't mind you being in the room… if you're… okay with that", I stammer awkwardly.
"No yeah, that's, that's cool", Cappie says awkwardly and Dr. Goldsmith gives us a nod and then exits the room so I can get changed.
Now that we're alone I look at Cappie and let out an exasperated laugh.
"Well what do you know, I am going to get to see you naked today", Cappie gives me a devilish grin.
"Nice try", I give him a sarcastic glare and throw my purse at him. "You can hold my clothes for me, but that's it".
"Dammit", He fakes annoyance as I throw my top onto him, and then my pants.
I'm in my underwear and bra now staring back at him.
"Are you done pelting me with clothes now?", He laughs and I can feel his eyes on me.
I give him a look and then put the gown on, tying it up in the back.
When it's on I pull my underwear off and throw them onto Cappie's lap.
"Now I'm done", I give him a smug look.
"Jeez I've never been turned on in a doctors office before but I guess theres a first time for everything", He gives me a grin which is met with a roll of my eyes.
I get up onto the reclining bed again.
I then hear a knock on the door.
"Come in", I say.
"Perfect", Dr. Goldsmith comes back in, putting her clipboard on her desk. "I'm just gonna get your feet in the stirrups here".
She guides my feet into them and I lay back, unable to even see her.
"Alright", she says, grabbing her gloves. "Just scoot down the table if you can here and then I'm just going to use some basic lubricated jelly".
Man this was awkward.
"Great, okay you're just going to feel my finger now, let me know if there's any pain on insertion", she says casually.
I wince slightly at the uncomfortable feeling.
"No it feels fine", I say and turn my head to the side to meet Cappie's gaze.
"Everything seems good Casey", She pokes around and then finally comes out. "Your cervix is a good length for 20 weeks. So everything seems totally normal. Now I'm just going to insert the speculum and grab a quick swab and then we're done".
"Okay sounds good", I nod.
The speculum always feels the most uncomfortable but luckily she's in and out pretty quickly and then it's over with.
"Alright perfect", She gets the sample. "You can sit up. Now I mentioned earlier, but halfway through the pregnancy we usually ask expecting mothers to fill out our birth plan paperwork".
She takes off her gloves and then grabs a small stapled stack of papers from her desk and hands them to me.
"It's just so we know your preferences for the day you give birth. Sometimes it can happen quite unexpectedly if the baby comes early and we just want to make your day as close to your wishes as possible", She explains.
I look over some of the sections on the papers.
"Oh okay. Great, that's probably a good idea to start thinking about these things", I nod.
"Yes, so that's yours to keep and maybe next time you come in you could bring it in completed so we have it on file for the hospital, if you're going that route", She smiles.
"Oh I'm definitely going the hospital route", I say immediately. "I'm gonna need the drugs".
Dr. Goldsmith laughs then.
"That is totally valid and usually what is preferred among our patients", She says. "Well it was amazing to meet you two and we are always a call away if you need us. You can book your next appointment by phone or with Alicia at the front. I'll see you for your 30 week appointment".
"Okay", I nod. "Thanks so much Dr".
"Of course hun", She smiles at both me and Cappie. "You can put the gown in the clothes basket. Have a good day you two".
"Thanks!", Cappie thanks her as he arranges my clothes and my purse on his lap.
When the doctor leaves I grab my purse from Cappie and put the papers in it.
"Cap we're gonna have to go over a lot of things", I sigh.
"Okay, well first things first...", He hands my panties to me. "I'm gonna need a second to collect myself after seeing you in your bra and underwear".
I glare up at his smirking face as I pull my pants on.
"I'm happy you're amused by this, but this is serious! I have nothing planned out for the birth!", I sigh.
"We have a lot of time", I can see him making an effort to calm my worried self now, being more serious. "Why don't we get some of whatever you're craving right now, which if I'm placing money on it I'd bet on McDonald's fries and a sprite, and then we go back to KT and fill those forms out".
I smile at him then, feeling myself soften.
"McDonald's fries… and an ice cream. To dip them in", I correct him.
"Alright. Now we're getting somewhere", He grins at me as I adjust my top on and throw the gown in the hamper.