(HBP) CHAPTER FIFTEEN: How I Feel

The next few weeks went on in the same vein. Ron and Lavender became an item, which Hermione struggled with; Ellie and Draco continued to develop a rocky friendship, which both Harry and Fred struggled with; and Fred continued his weekly visits without kicking things up a notch, which Ellie struggled with.

In early December, Slughorn sent out his official invitations for a Christmas party to be held just before the winter break.

It's on the last Friday night of term, Ellie told Fred after Woodstock brought her the letter. Maybe I could convince Dumbledore to let you come up for it?

Much as I enjoyed the last Christmas party we attended together, I don't think we should push it with Dumbledore—especially when I'll be seeing you the next day, anyway.

Ellie, Fred, and Sirius still hadn't fully worked out her travel plans for the winter holiday yet. Sirius, of course, wanted her to spend it at 12 Grimmauld Place, which he had been fixing up with much more ease now that he could come and go as he pleased. Fred had known better than to ask Sirius to let Ellie stay at his and George's new place, but had tried to offer the compromise of her spending at least a few days at the Burrow.

As far as Ellie was concerned, she wanted to do it all. And she liked knowing that there were three different places out there she could call "home."

Slughorn's Christmas party, like his little club, was exclusive. Over the course of the term, Slughorn had initiated Hermione, Ginny, and Liam into his Slug Club.

"Have you thought about asking someone?" Ellie asked Hermione one morning in mid-December as they went through each other's trunks, trying to work out what they'd be wearing to the party. "You know—as a date?"

Hermione and Ellie had chatted a few times about the Ron and Lavender situation, but Hermione was resistant to opening up about it. She had given Lavender her blessing to go for it after Lavender talked to Hermione about it on Ellie's advice, but that was just Hermione being polite—or in denial.

"Maybe," Hermione said, frowning. "Cormac McLaggen has been eyeing me for a few days, and he'll be going, anyway."

Ellie did her best not to grimace—nor to point out that Cormac McLaggen seemed to eye every young witch at Hogwarts. "If that's what you want."

It clearly wasn't what Hermione wanted, but Ellie wasn't going to push it.

"I'm really not sure about this."

Ellie smiled supportively at Hermione, who was wearing a dress she had borrowed from Ginny. Ginny, meanwhile, was wearing a dress she had borrowed from one of her suitemates, and Ellie was wearing a dress she had borrowed from Lavender. They were all in the sixth-year suite, putting the finishing touches on each other before heading down for the party.

"I'm sure McLaggen will love it," Lavender assured Hermione, though the annoyance in her tone at not being invited to the party was clear.

"Yeah," giggled Parvati, "particularly the low cut of it."

Hermione's cheeks reddened, and Ellie knew it wasn't just because of the joke; things had been tense between her and Lavender for weeks by then.

"You and Fred still have that weird thought-sharing thing, right?" Ginny asked Ellie.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You should really take a look in the mirror—show him what he's missing."

Ellie hadn't looked in the mirror much since the previous summer. Despite Fred's constant assurances that her scars only made her more beautiful, she didn't quite believe them. Besides, they served as a reminder of the most painful time in her life.

Still, she didn't want to attend Slughorn's party without knowing how the borrowed dress fit her, so she stole a reluctant glance in the standing mirror.

As soon as she did, she looked away again. She hadn't shown this much skin since before her time in the cage, and she hadn't realized what a large percentage of her body was still covered in scars and burns.

Don't you dare think like that, Fred warned her. You look incredible, El. So incredible that you have me questioning whether it's too late to go back on what I said and ask Dumbledore for a free pass.

She grinned in spite of the insecurity she was feeling. He always knew how to make her feel better. You're going to see me in less than a day, remember?

Too long. On my way.

She knew he was kidding, but she wished he wasn't. Ellie had very little interest in attending this party; she'd much rather leave that night and get to see Fred, George, and Sirius sooner.

"Enough, already," Ginny said to Ellie, laughing. "Come back to reality, and let's get to the party."

As soon as Ellie made eye contact with Liam, she decided that she regretted coming to the party at all. The way he looked at her—the way his gaze raked up and down her body, taking in the scars and burns and reminding her of all that pain she had gone through—it was simply too much.

For a couple that had never really been, the intensity that flowed between them had always been a little too palpable. Especially now that Fred was back in her life.

"Ah, Miss Black!" Slughorn exclaimed, rescuing her from the moment. He glanced behind her and spotted the rest of her group—Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Neville, Luna, and Cormac. Luna had never been inducted into the Slug Club, but Neville had asked her to attend as his date, which had made Ellie smile. "And the rest of you fine young students! So glad to see you're all so closely knit. Friendships are important, you know. Arguably the most important thing."

Ellie felt a pang of guilt at his words. Friendship was important, but she'd had a hard time clinging to it that year, and she and Fred both knew it. Still, at least she'd come with the group, right?

"Agreed," Harry told Slughorn with a smile that was a bit too wide. "Thanks for the invite, Professor."

Harry had been sucking up to the Potions teacher for most of the term by then. Ellie suspected it had to do with the visit Dumbledore had taken him on over the summer, but she hadn't pried. Harry was still deep in his obsession with Draco being a Death Eater, and Ellie's friendship with Draco—if she could even call it that—had kept them at arm's length from each other.

As her friends began to dance, eat, drink, and mingle, Ellie wandered toward the outskirts of the party. She hadn't heard Fred in her head since she and the girls were in the suite upstairs, and she was curious why. She focused her thoughts and let herself slip into his head.

"—said you'll be staying at Grimmauld Place 'til Christmas Eve, right?" George was asking him. They were at their new house, setting up furniture (the easy and magical way, of course). "Maybe we should just close up shop for a few days."

"We can't do that. What about all the last-minute gift buyers?"

"Well, Rae's going to be in Dublin with her family, and Malcolm's going all the way to the States. If you aren't around to help out—"

It's okay, she told him. I'll catch up with Dad. Work much as you need to, Fred.

El? What are you doing listening in? Aren't you supposed to be at a party?

"Ellie?"

Ellie glanced up at Liam, surprised he was talking to her after several months of silence. "Hey."

"Are you okay? You looked a little lost in thought."

"I was just…" She bit her lip. "You know."

She had told Liam and the others, during the height of the B.A., about the mind-reading connection they had. He seemed to understand.

"Tell him you're at a party," Liam said surprisingly boldly. "Tell him he'll see you soon enough."

Tell him he's a prat, Fred snapped back. But he isn't wrong. Try to enjoy yourself, El. George and I will figure this stuff out.

Ellie reluctantly pulled herself fully out of the conversation at Fred and George's house, but she didn't allow Liam a smile. What business did he have, making assumptions about Fred invading her privacy that, in this case, weren't even true?

Before she could ask him that, they were interrupted by the unmistakable voices of Filch and Draco as they entered the room in some sort of tussle.

"…just let me go already, and you'd be perfectly—"

"Mr. Malfoy?" asked Slughorn, stepping over to the tussle. "Everything alright, lad?"

"Caught him lurking around out in the halls," Filch explained. "Says he was on his way to your party—figured I'd come verify."

Ellie glanced from Draco to Slughorn to Snape, heart starting to pound. Slughorn's face was full of pity; Draco's was full of humiliation; Snape's was full of rage. What had Draco really been doing out in those hallways?

Ellie didn't know the answer, but she knew that no one should have to suffer the degree of embarrassment Draco must be feeling in that moment. So, without letting herself think on it long enough to change her mind, she stepped over to them and said, "He's telling the truth. He's my date."

Everyone in the room seemed to freeze at that. All eyes flew to Ellie, wide and utterly disbelieving of the ludicrous statement she had just made.

Uhh. El? Exactly what are you doing?

"Your date," repeated Snape dubiously, crossing his arms. "And how might the red-headed troublemaker who makes weekly visits to see you feel about that?"

Not great, thanks for asking, Uncle Greasy Hair.

Ellie did her best to stifle a laugh. "I asked him to go as my friend, obviously. Fred couldn't make it, and Draco and I are friends now, and…"

She knew the moment the word "friends" escaped her lips that it was the wrong one. One glance in Harry's direction told her all she needed to know about the rage it had caused him, and she could practically hear Fred's heart pounding in her head.

"I had picked up on surprisingly amicable vibes in my classroom," admitted Slughorn. "But why not arrive together, if that was the case?"

"'Friends' is a generous term for what we are," Draco said through clenched teeth. If Ellie wasn't mistaken, though, she thought she saw a spark of gratitude in his gaze. "I planned on standing her up entirely, but my conscience got the better of me."

What conscience? grumbled Fred.

"Very well, then," said Slughorn brightly. "Glad you came around, my good lad. You're free to go, of course, then, Mr. Filch. Mr. Malfoy, might I suggest you make it up to Miss Black with a dance?"

Ellie's cheeks burned as Draco's expression morphed back to one of disgust. He parted his lips to object, but before he could, Snape grumbled, "Do as your professor says, Draco. We will chat afterwards."

As Ellie wondered to herself what exactly Snape planned on chatting with Draco about, Slughorn used a nonverbal spell to crank up the music—thankfully not a Weasleys original, but a notably slow song—and Draco stepped reluctantly over to her.

Just before he reached her—when he was about two feet away—he stopped in his tracks as if really seeing her for the first time. His gaze traveled downwards the same way Liam's had, stopping somewhere below her chin. For an instant, she considered slapping him—assuming he was staring at the area that he really had no business staring at—until she realized that his gaze was on a particularly nasty scar just south of her collarbone.

She didn't even remember how she had gotten it. Her mind hadn't really been in that cage with those torturous spells being cast at her by vengeful Death Eaters; it had been outside of it, clinging to Fred's thoughts—the only things that had kept her going.

Finally, Draco closed the distance between them, took her right hand in his, and placed his left hand behind the small of her back.

For several seconds, he didn't say anything. Ellie didn't, either. She kept expecting to hear Fred's voice in her head, grumbling about how much he hated Draco or how he wished she would just make up an excuse to walk away from the situation, but she didn't. A part of her wanted to slip into his head and judge whether he needed to be comforted or reasoned with, but she resisted the urge. Whatever was going on with Draco, he might need a friend right now. And hadn't she called herself that?

"What did they want?" Draco finally asked.

"Who?"

"The Death Eaters. The ones who captured you. The ones who tortured you."

She stiffened. She probably would have stopped dancing entirely if not for the gentle pressure of his hands as he moved them along. "You don't know?"

He took a long, slow breath. There was obvious pain in his eyes. "I didn't know anything about it, Ellie. They didn't include me in any of their plans back then."

It was impossible not to feel comforted by his words and the knowledge that this new friend of hers hadn't had anything to do with her capture or torture. Still, the use of his words back then confirmed what she had already known on some level for months: Draco was involved with the Death Eaters now.

"They knew about the Perelli charm," she told him. "Obviously. They saw me as a potential asset and a potential threat. They were going to either torture me into submission or death; they left it up to me."

His jaw tightened, as did his grip on her. He looked away from her.

For several seconds, neither of them said anything. They continued to sway from foot to foot, though neither made any effort to dip or twirl the way those around them did. Finally, Draco asked her, "Why did you vouch for me?"

He was referring to the party, she realized. He'd caught back up to the present.

"I've changed a lot this year," she admitted. "More than I think I've fully allowed myself to accept—more than I think the people around me have allowed themselves to accept." She wondered if Fred was listening. "Friendship is… different to me now. I used to have all this emotional capacity and space to work on my friendships—to nurture them. But when I was put in that cage—when my shield drained so much of my life force…"

He seemed to understand. "It drained some of your will, too."

She nodded. "Fred and Dad found a way to heal me, and it did help. Honestly, I think it's emotional scars at this point, rather than physical. Whatever the reason, I look at the world a little differently now. I'm a little worse at friendships, but I'm a little better at seeing people. Probably because I'm lonely enough to pay attention. Does that make sense?"

He was watching her closely. He didn't seem to like the direction this was headed in. "You mean, at seeing me."

She swallowed. "I was in that place, too, Draco. The place where the only decision that made sense was to join them. The place where it didn't feel like there was any alternative."

As with every conversation with Draco that went in this direction, Ellie was starting to get the sense that she only had a few seconds left before he closed the door on this conversation. Still, she couldn't help feeling like she was making progress—like he was finally starting to listen to her.

"How did you get out of that place?" he asked her softly.

She thought of Fred and decided that she did hope he was listening, after all. "With help."

His expression darkened. The song had come to an end. He released her, but didn't immediately walk away. "I don't have help on that side of the equation."

"You're wrong." She said it so confidently that he wouldn't have a choice but to believe her. "You have me."

His gaze trailed toward Harry, and he immediately shook his head. "That isn't true. You claim you want to help me because you don't want me on the other side, but if it came down to it, you'd pick your real friends over me."

She smiled sadly. "I don't know if you know this about me, Draco, but I protect the people I care about. No matter what."

She thought of Cedric then and realized with a pang of misery that her claim wasn't entirely true. Still, that night hadn't been about picking one person over another; it had been about accepting the sacrifice someone insisted on making.

Before Draco could reply, Snape stepped in. "Draco. A word?"

To Ellie's surprise, Draco actually spared her the tiniest upward curl of a lip—not the sneer he usually wore, but a semblance of an actual smile.

As soon as Snape and Draco left her, Harry closed in on her.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" he demanded. "I knew you were chatting in class, but taking him as your date to a party?"

"I was lying, obviously." She barely put energy into it; she was growing weary of Harry's obsession with Draco. "I was just trying to protect him from the embarrassment of admitting he hadn't been invited."

"Since when did you protect him from anything? In all likelihood, he's a Death Eater, Ellie. Is that really who you want to associate with—especially after what happened to you last summer?"

She hated him for bringing that up. She hated him for trying to manipulate her into distrusting Draco as much as he did. "He wasn't involved in that, Harry."

"You can't know that for sure—just like you can't know for sure that he's not a Death Eater now."

She considered admitting to him that she was quite certain he was a Death Eater now—or at least in the process of becoming one—but decided it wouldn't help. Besides, he was already squaring his shoulders and making to move in the direction Draco and Snape had disappeared to.

"Hey," she said, reaching out to catch him by the arm. "Don't follow them. It's not a good idea."

But his scathing look was enough to make her drop her hand, and his words cut even deeper: "I swear, I don't even know you anymore, Ellie."

That one stung—it really did.

As soon as Harry was gone, Hermione approached her.

Ellie was starting to feel very tired. All she really wanted was to talk to Fred, who had remained concerningly silent in the midst of all this. But one look at her friend told her that she had to spare at least a few minutes for her.

"Ellie," Hermione said. Her tone was much more gentle than Harry's had been. "He shouldn't have been so harsh, but he was right to worry. Are you sure you know what you're doing with Malfoy?"

"Of course I'm not sure. He's a person, Hermione. People are complicated. What I am sure of is that he's conflicted. He doesn't want to be evil—at least, a part of him doesn't. So why shouldn't I at least try and show him there's another option?"

Hermione's expression softened. "Because it could put you in danger, Ellie. Because it isn't your job to save everyone."

She thought again of Cedric and decided that even if it wasn't her job, it was still her goal to save as many people as she could—to succeed where she hadn't with him.

But she could tell she wouldn't be convincing anyone in the Golden Trio anytime soon, so instead she asked, "How's it going with McLaggen?"

Hermione sighed. "Terrible. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to ask him. I knew what a dog he was; I just…"

Ellie understood. Oliver hadn't been nearly as bad as Cormac McLaggen, but her mind had been in a similar place to Hermione's when she'd willingly engaged in a relationship with a boy who was far too old for her thanks to Fred's rejection.

"At risk of sounding like a bad friend to Lav," Ellie told Hermione gently, "it isn't going to last. She demands too much, and he offers too little. For her, anyway."

Hermione's eyes started to glitter with tears. "I know—at least, I known on some level. It isn't really even about that, though. It's about our friendship. He hasn't even tried to fix it, Ellie. He hasn't even tried to make things better."

How many times had Ellie thought those same exact things about Fred during her third year? How many times had her heart ached at the knowledge that he had not only rejected her romantically, but also given up on their friendship?

"He will," she promised Hermione. "Just give it time."

Hermione nodded, but a tear still fell from her eye.

Maybe it was that tear, or maybe the presence of Neville so close by, that inspired Ellie to do what she did next. Maybe it was none of those things, but rather, the deafening silence of Fred's absence from her thoughts.

Whatever the reason, she marched up to Slughorn and said, "I'd like to play a song, if that's alright."

It was different, of course, playing a song without the band. Other that her stint as a pop star with bands that Jensen put together for her, Ellie had never done it before. She knew that Ginny, who was in attendance at the party as Harry's date, wouldn't like being excluded, but she also knew that she had no need for a bass player when she didn't have a drummer or backup guitarist, either. So instead she summoned her acoustic guitar and sang a stripped-down version of How I Feel, the song she had worked on with Neville on her birthday.

"I'm completely unconnected; constantly rejected; like everything I've ever loved is coming down. I'm drowning in emotion in the middle of the ocean—never knowing when it's over, and I'm going down. Then you see me—you say you don't even know me."

That last bit, of course, had been added in the moment. It had been inspired by Harry, who had returned from eavesdropping on Draco just in time to hear the song, but it wasn't just for Harry. It was for the B.A., too, and for everyone who had treated her differently since her summer in the cage.

Not you, though, she thought as the song came to an end. Everyone but you.

Finally, she heard his voice come back to her. I'll always know you, El. Even in another life. Even in another world.

She let his words flood into her sad and aching bones like a rush of warm water, rejuvenating her in a way that was sorely needed.

But I really need tomorrow to come so you can head home, he continued. Because there's a lot I want to say to you.

Nice long and emotional chapter for you, folks! If you want the reference audio, that's "How I Feel" by the usual Alexz Johnson of Instant Star fame. Hope you enjoyed these developments, including the Draco ones! I know Harry's behavior toward Ellie was crappy, but he has a right to feel his complicated emotions, just like he does. Surely they'll find a way past it eventually, right? Tune in soon to see what happens next, and don't forget to leave a review and follow if you're enjoying. Thanks for reading!