Out With the Old Madness, In With the New
"Hear ye! Hear ye! Oyez! Oyez!" Remy chanted ringing a bell while pushing a large, wheeled metal bin down a hallway of the Acolyte base. "Come forth, ye poor souls and bring out your dead!"
"There is no need to shout, Remy," Piotr said exiting a nearby room carrying an armful of broken electronic parts and equipment. "We are right here."
"I'm not shouting for your sake, homme. I'm shouting for Sabes'," Remy explained. "That old Furball is always complaining about nobody ever telling him anything. Which is ironic coming from a guy with enhanced hearing."
"Ah, okay," Piotr nodded in understanding.
"Grrr, I hate this," Mastermind grumbled trudging out of the bathroom while dragging a worn-out plunger and torn-up shower mat. "Why are we slaving away like this instead of lounging around like we usually do?"
"Because it's that time of the month," Remy stated.
"I didn't know that was an issue around here," Mastermind commented. "Unless there's something you lunatics aren't telling me…"
"Not that kind of time of the month," Remy rolled his eyes. "It's the time we all set aside to work on and clean up the base."
"But Magneto already makes us clean the base on a weekly, if not bi-daily basis," Mastermind pointed out. "Not that it ever does much good…"
"Remy means a thorough cleaning," Piotr explained dumping his load of broken electronic parts and equipment into the wheeled metal bin. "To help cut down on clutter and identify any potential problems before they become big ones."
"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense," Mastermind sighed tossing the ruined plunger and shower mat into the bin as well. "Wait, I've been trapped in this metal insane asylum longer than a month. Why don't I remember doing this before?"
"Because you've been unconscious every previous time," Remy said. "Like you were last month after being hit in the head during the sponge cake and anvil flinging contest."
"Or the month before that when you got your head stuck in the ice maker while trying to brush your teeth," Piotr reminded.
"Or the time…" Remy began.
"Enough! I get the picture," Mastermind grumbled irritably. "Ugh, it's amazing I still have my head after living in this looney bin for so long. Not to mention still being alive! If Magneto really wanted to cut down on problems he'd boot the lot of you crazy maniacs out of the base!"
"Magneto has tried that too every once in a while," Piotr noted. "It has never really worked."
"Gee, what a surprise," Mastermind drawled.
"Hey there, mates!" Pyro chirped exiting his room while hauling a large, overflowing trash can. "Here's my latest load of used rubbish all ready for disposal."
"Speaking of maniacs," Mastermind eyed Pyro's pile of discarded items warily. "How did you ever manage to keep all this stuff in one room? I've seen landfills loaded down with less junk."
"What can I say? I use up and go through stuff fast," Pyro shrugged. "Of course, this is just the first load."
"You mean there's more?" Mastermind did a take.
"Yep," Pyro nodded casually. "This load is just the first of three."
"Oh good," Piotr commented lifting up the trash can and emptying it into the bin. "You did not have that much this month."
"You call that a little?" Mastermind gasped in shock.
"Sure, compared to what I usually have," Pyro said hauling out another brimming trash can. "Only used up three tanks of propane and eighteen crates of sterno this month."
"Still nothing compared to the Leaning Tower of Empty Booze Bottles and Beer Cans Sabes manages to construct during the same time," Remy commented. "I swear if Sabes ever bothered to haul his monthly alcohol container collection down to the recycling center for a refund he'd be richer than Mags."
"I doubt any kind of garbage collection could compare to this sorry pile of uselessness," Mastermind snorted as Pyro brought out yet another fully loaded trash can. "Just like the mad fool who created it. What the heck is all this junk?"
"Oh, you know. Just the usual odds and ends generated from one's daily life that are no longer needed," Pyro shrugged picking through the pile. "Empty pens, used silly string, broken sousaphone, smashed writer's blocks…"
"In other words, a bunch of random junk of absolutely no value whatsoever," Remy said.
"Huh, here's a set of that white-striped haired sheila's lipstick marks," Pyro noted pulling out a wrinkled, used napkin. "Now how did that get in there?"
"WHAT?!" Remy yelped making a nab for the napkin. "MINE!"
"Hey! Calm down, Gambit!" Pyro urged avoiding Remy's grasp. "No need to get worked up about it. You said so yourself this is just a bit of rubbish."
"NOT TO ME!" Remy yelled making another lunge. "THAT NAPKIN MANAGED TO PHYSICALLY TOUCH ROGUE'S LIPS! THAT MEANS IF I PRESS IT TO MINE IT WILL BE LIKE MY LIPS PHYSICALLY TOUCHED HERS!"
"O-kay," Mastermind blinked at the scene. "That's just sad. Not to mention disturbing…"
"Um, I do not think that is how it works," Piotr attempted to reason with Remy.
"IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!" Remy declared. "GIVE ME THAT NAPKIN…WAIT A SECOND! HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE TO END UP WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"
"Oh yeah. Now I remember," Pyro recalled while staying ahead of Remy. "That white-striped haired sheila casually handed this napkin to me after we had met up one time. I was going to burn it to ash, but guess I just forgot."
"The one time that flame-brained nutcase didn't set something on fire," Mastermind groaned.
"WHAT?!" Remy howled. "YOU MET UP WITH ROGUE WITHOUT TELLING ME?! WHEN?! HOW?! WHERE?! WHY?! AND WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME ALONG OR HAVE ME GO IN YOUR PLACE?!"
"Whoa! Calm down, mate!" Pyro yelped as Remy pulled out a handful of cards. "No need to work yourself into a tiff! Besides, it's not like it was the first time me and that white-striped haired sheila ended up running into each other someplace dark, quiet and alone…"
"WHAT?!" Remy shrieked tossed his cards. "DIE!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Oh no. Here we go again," Piotr sighed as an infuriated Remy chased Pyro down the hallway. "Looks like our monthly cleanup will end up being bigger after all."
"Gee, what a shock," Mastermind grumbled. "It almost makes me wish I had been rendered unconscious this time. Almost…"
CRASH! SMASH! CRUNCH!
"Oh great," Mastermind moaned at the latest sounds of violence and destruction. "What now?"
"Squeak! Squeak!" The door to Sabertooth's room suddenly burst open just before several small, cloth-like things scooted out of it.
"Arrrggghh! Not again!" Sabertooth roared chasing after the unidentified objects. "Come back here you little twerps!"
"Uh, what the heck was that?" A stunned Mastermind gaped at the sight.
"Oh dear. It seems Sabertooth is having trouble controlling his dirty socks again," Piotr commented casually.
"His what?!" Mastermind did a double-take.
"You see, Sabertooth is very hard on his clothes," Piotr explained. "Especially his socks. They eventually get so dirty they end up trying to escape. We think it is because all the accumulated fungus and bacteria on them manage to merge together and form some sort of new mutant lifeform, but we are never really sure…"
"Are you kidding me?!" Mastermind yelped.
"DIE, SOCKS, DIE!" Sabertooth shouted.
"Squeak! Squeak!"
SPLAT!
"You aren't kidding me," Mastermind groaned covering his eyes. "This is ridiculous! Why doesn't Sabertooth simply wash his socks? And even as I open my mouth the answer is obvious…"
"Oh, Sabertooth refuses to wash his clothes," Piotr explained. "Just like he refuses to wash himself. That is one reason why he buys new clothes so often. That is when he actually bothers to pay for them."
"I had to ask," Mastermind groaned.
"Remy and I did try washing a load of Sabertooth's laundry once, but it did not end well," Piotr shuddered at the memory. "I can still hear the sounds that poor washing machine made as it wailed and squealed for mercy…"
"I don't blame it," Mastermind moaned.
"Magneto finally allowed Pyro to burn Sabertooth's dirty clothes in an incinerator located in a specially separated area of the base," Piotr finished his story. "Which also has to be replaced every month or so. Or more depending on how bored Pyro has been…"
"I get the picture," Mastermind sighed.
SPLAT!
"Ha! Got another one!" Sabertooth crowed. "Only twenty-nine more socks to go!"
"Ugh, that is one of the most disgusting and unbelievable things I've ever had the horror to witness. Which considering all the non-stop, insane madness I've been unwilling submitted to from you nuts is really saying something!" Mastermind groaned holding his head. "What's next, is Sabertooth's pile of underwear going to emerge from his unholy lair and try to make a run for it too?"
"No, that will never happen," Piotr assured him. "Sabertooth does not wear underwear."
"Well, that a relief…wait, what?!" Mastermind yelped and gaped at Piotr. "How do you know that?"
"Well, you see…" Piotr began.
"ACCCKKK! WAIT! DON'T TELL ME!" Mastermind cried desperately covering his ears. "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"
"It is nothing bad," Piotr tried to explain. "We ended up finding out by accident when…"
"NO! NO MORE ACCIDENTS!" Mastermind yelled blinding backpedaling down the hallway and into an open storage room. "NO MORE STORIES! NO MORE INFORMATION…!"
Plooosh!
Squish! Snap! Squoosh!
"AAAGGGHHHHHH!"
"Oh, that is right. It is also time to clean out the squid tanks," Piotr realized. "Thank you for volunteering."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH! HELP!" Mastermind screamed floundering inside a large, shallow water tank with a dozen foot-long squid wrapped around him. "GAAAHHHHHH! THEY'RE GOING TO EAT ME! OW! THOSE BEAKS ARE SHARP! WHY THE HECK IS THERE EVEN A SQUID TANK IN THE BASE?!"
"Because Sabertooth likes to have a more varied diet than eating fresh fish," Piotr called out as he turned and began pushing the now loaded metal bin down the hallway. "I need to go check the status of the base's supply of fire extinguishers. I will check in on you later. Goodbye."
"WHAT?!" Mastermind cried as he desperately attempted to escape from the tank. "WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME…WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"
Thirty minutes later…
"Where are those idiots?" Magneto muttered emerging from his private lab. "They should have stopped by to haul away the remains of my latest failed experiments an hour ago. Those fools better not be slacking off and making an even bigger mess of the base…"
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Magneto yelped as he was suddenly covered in foam.
"Huh?" Piotr blinked poking his head out from a nearby storage room. "Uh, oops."
"Oops is right!" Magneto snapped wiping foam from his eyes. "What the devil are you doing?"
"Just checking the base's supply of fire extinguishers," Piotr explained. "So far I have found twelve extinguishers which need to be refilled or replaced and zero extinguishers which have expired."
"Gee, what a shock," Magneto grumbled irritably. "I swear we go through more fire extinguishers here in a week than the entire New York Fire Department does in a year! I'd have gone broke twice over if I actually bothered buying the things instead of stealing them…"
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"Gaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Magneto yelled as he was once more covered in foam. "COLOSSUS!"
"Oops. There is goes again," Piotr whistled innocently. "Sorry. The trigger on this fire extinguisher is a little slippery. It was an honest mistake."
"Honest mistake my…!" Magneto began dangerously.
"Look out! Outta the way!" Pyro shouted running by while nearly knocking over Magneto. "Mad Gambit on the loose!"
"GET BACK HERE YOU NUT!" Remy screamed chasing after Pyro while tossing fistfuls of charged cards at him. "GIVE ME THAT NAPKIN SO I CAN FEEL THE LINGERING LIPMARKS OF MY LOVELY, FAIR CHÉRIE!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Whoa! Watch it, mate! You nearly blew up the napkin!" Pyro warned avoiding the explosions. "I don't know why you're so worked up over a few little lipstick marks. It's not like I found another stray lock of that sheila's hair in my pocket!"
"YOU DID WHAT?!" Remy howled. "AAAGGGHHHHHH! GIVE ME MY CHÉRIE'S LOCK O' HAIR! AND HER LIPMARKS…WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANOTHER ONE?!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Yaaahhhhhh!" Magneto yelled as more explosions rocked the hallway. "Gambit, you idiot! Stop that lunatic behavior at once! If anyone is going to finally end up killing Pyro, it's going to be me!"
"Squeak! Squeak!" A herd of fleeing dirty socks raced down the hallway.
"Huh?" Magneto stared at the sight in shock. "What the devil is…OH MY GOSH! THE SMELL! THE SMELL! UUUGGGHHHHHH!"
"Get back here, you stupid socks!" Sabertooth roared as he chased after his wayward garments. "I'm gonna wear ya whether you like it or not!"
"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THESE BLASTED SQUID OFF ME?!" Mastermind staggered around in Sabertooth's wake. "THEY KEEP SHOOTING INK INTO MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE A THING!"
"Do not worry! I will help you!" Piotr shouted running after him with a pair of fire extinguishers. "Just stand still…!"
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"YAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!
"OW! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! MY OWN STUPID SOCK BIT ME!"
"Squeak! Squeak!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Ugh! I hate cleaning days!" Magneto cried while repeatedly banging his head against a wall as the madness raged about him. "I really need to toss out and replace all the useless stuff around here! Starting with my subordinates!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.