Hello lovies! My apologies for the delay in posting! The next few months are going to be a little crazy for me and my family, but I will try my best to get chapters posted as much as I can. Thank you so much for sticking with me!

I chose Dear Agony, by Breaking Benjamin, for this chapter because the lyrics and tone of this song really capture the mood and emotions that our characters are dealing with. It took me awhile to get through this chapter, as my own emotions got caught up in the moment and I had to step back a few times.

More coming soon! Love you all!

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Chapter 14 - Dear Agony

Sam spent the next day researching ways to contact Anubis. His thinking was that if he went straight to the source, they might be able to finish this without having to deal with Crowley any more than necessary. Besides, double crossing Crowley was definitely on the plus side. After a few hours of leaving messages for Castiel, texting, and straight up praying, Sam decided to take a long shot and called Rufus. When Sam finally convinced him to help, he'd had to promise him two bottles of Blue Label Johnny Walker, instead of his usual fee of just one. The second, most likely, for having to keep this whole thing a secret from Bobby.

"I don't feel right about this, Sam, I'm just letting you know right now. The way Bobby feels about that girl… He'll have all our heads on a spike if anything happens to her. You hear what I'm saying?"

Sam smiled, knowingly into the phone.

"I know, Rufus, we're just hoping if we can finally finish this, we can ALL be done, and Andi will be safe."

He heard Rufus snort on the other end of the phone.

"Well…since it's Andi, I'll see what I can do. But ONLY since it's her. You two jackasses are liable to get yourselves in deep shit if someone doesn't keep an eye on you." Rufus barked.

Sam shook his head. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Rufus."

Well, I'm just tellin' it like it is, son. I'll get back to you when I got somethin'."

Sam heard the click on the other line before he could even say thank you, let alone goodbye. He just looked at the phone and shook his head again before putting it back in his pocket. Bobby was right, he thought. Rufus was a grouchy pain in the ass.

The second Sam walked into the motel room, Dean and Andi both pounced.

"Well? Is he gonna help us?" Dean asked impatiently.

Sam nodded slowly. Yeah. He's not happy about having to keep this from Bobby but… he said he'll do it for you." He nodded at Andi.

She smiled apologetically at him. "How many bottles did you have to promise him?"

Sams eyebrows furrowed. "Two." He spat and sat back down at his computer.

"Sorry, Sammy." Andi said quietly. "So, you didn't have any luck with Cass, I take it."

Sam spoke but never took his eyes off the computer screen. He seemed irritated. "Nope. Not that I really expected him to. He's Dean's bitch, not mine." He retorted irritably.

"Ey!"

"OH!" Both Dean and Andi shouted in response.

"Dude, what the hell is eating you today?" Dean asked.

Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed a break. He needed some space. He didn't want to tell them that the tension, the anxiety, and the bullshit between them was starting to get on his last friggin' nerve! And Crowley now being in the mix just flat out pissed him off. Period.

He closed his laptop, shoved it under his arm and grabbed his jacket. He took the keys out of Dean's jacket pocket and mumbled something about needing some air before the door closed behind him.

Andi and Dean stood silent and watched out the window as he drove away, leaving them both confused as to what had just happened. Dean just shrugged, popped open another beer and turned on the little television before hopping onto his bed. Andi decided to do the same and laid on her stomach at the foot of the bed, silently waiting for Dean to finish searching through channels and land on something decent. When he passed a familiar scene, Andi piped up.

"Wait! Go back."

He went back a channel. "Nope, one more." She said and he complied, giving her a sideways smirk as he immediately recognized the movie and sat back, turning up the volume.

They laughed as they watched Freddy Krueger spouting campy dialogue as he carved up his prey in the cheesiest of ways. The Nightmare on Elm Street movies had always been some of Dean and Andi's favorite "Cheesy Horror" flicks from back in the day. According to the commercial break, there was a Nightmare marathon going on through the weekend. This was met with cheers from the both of them as Andi jumped up to start a pot of coffee, and they settled in for a long night in front of the tube, temporarily forgetting about the world outside of the little motel room.

Sam, on the other hand, found himself knee-deep in the world outside. He stopped at the little diner down the road, ordering some coffee, and pulling up page after page of information on Anubis and the Ankh until his eyes went crossed. Just before he was ready to give up for the night, he read a headline that made him sit up straight.

"Denver Art and History Museum Hosts Egyptian Gods Exhibit." An exhibit dedicated to the art and supposed artifacts of the Gods and Goddesses of ancient Egypt. As he scanned through the list of items that were on display, he raised his hand to the waitress.

"Can I get another cup of coffee, please?"

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Andi had hoped that watching some of her old favorites would help her relax. Ease some of the anxiety, fear, and fury she had been struggling with. She just wanted to feel normal again. Whatever normal was. About 20 minutes into the first movie, she realized her mistake. That the slashing, the screaming, and the blood were more than she could handle. The visuals in her head were too real. Recalling her friends screaming, to fresh in her memory. The smell of the blood, the warm, oozing feel of it as it had poured down her skin. It was making her stomach turn and she noticed she had started shaking. Dean apparently noticed too and sat up, watching her turn from a flushed shade of happy pink to an ashen, sick shade of green. He watched the bottle in her hand begin to tremble as the liquid shook and foamed from the movement. He swung his legs over the bed to face her and turned off the television.

"Hey." He quietly spoke to her. "You ok? You don't look so good." His voice was sincere, truly concerned. Andi just stared at the empty tv screen for a moment.

"I don't think I can watch this right now. I'm sorry, I thought I could. I'm sorry, Dean…." He noticed tears starting to stream down her cheeks as she apologized. She was still on her stomach, her head propped on her hands at the foot of the bed. Dean stood up and knelt in front of her, wiping a tear from her cheek and looking into her watery eyes. He hadn't considered that it might be too soon, after the ordeal she had just been through, to be reminded of that level of violence, blood, and losing your friends to a vicious murderer. No matter how cheesy the effects and dialogue were, it was still a reminder. He silently kicked himself for being so absentminded. Shit, He was SO bad at this!!

"It's ok. Was a shitty movie anyway. Already know how it ends." He tried to make a joke but all he got from her was a look of complete despair and a lot more tears. Instinctively, he rose and gathered her into his arms. Something he had done a hundred times in the past.

This time felt different though. This time she felt broken. Her sobs seemed to be coming from a place within her that he had never seen. A place she had never shown him. The despair, the fear, the anger, it consumed every wrack of her body as she cried into his shoulder and chest, muttering unintelligibly. He thought he caught the words, "make it stop", but he couldn't be sure. She held onto his arms and back, clawing and grasping at him as if she was afraid that he would let go and drop her into some deep abyss.

Dean had always been aware that Andi had a habit of showing off her strength of spirit around him and Sam. Being raised as the only female in a group of egotistical, overprotective men had a way of doing that. But Dean also knew that underneath it all, she was a loving, sweet, kindhearted woman who didn't deserve any of the horrible things that this life had handed to her. He had never seen her break so completely under pressure before. He was suddenly aware that all he wanted was for her to be happy again. For her to be throwing snarky remarks at him and laughing at his silly reactions. He also realized that he didn't quite know what to say to her. He didn't want to say something stupid and upset her all over again. Yeah, he wasn't good at the chick flick moments. He knew that. Dammit, where was Sammy when he needed him?

He pulled her up with him to settle them against the headboard, cradling her against him as she cried. In that moment, all Dean could do was hold on to her, softly stroking her back and hair, trying to calm her shaking. His occasional whispers, urging her to let out the pain, were met with more sobs, but the shaking soon subsided and eventually there were only silent tears.

Andi slowly started to calm down and breathe easier. She felt like a tidal wave had just played havoc with her emotions, spilling everything she had been feeling over the past few weeks until it all came crashing down around her. The sights and sounds of the movie had brought back too many memories, too many feelings, both bad and good.

She realized that she was still clinging to Deans shirt with a tight fist and slowly let go. The front of his shirt was now soaked through with tears, and the remnants of cried-off mascara. She was still lying in his lap, his arms protectively wrapped around her. He held her quietly until he could feel her relax, and her breathing returned to normal. After a few more minutes, Andi felt him kiss her forehead before he quietly asked,

"Are you ok?"

Andi took a deep breath, bolstered herself for another meltdown and answered his question with another question.

"Can we please talk now? I can't take anymore, Dean. Please? There's too much going on …up here… I can't…" She waved her hands around her head. Her voice was shaky, unsure, and desperate, he noted. He could hear the defeat in her tone and his whole body went still.

"Ok. Ok." He reassured her. He paused a moment before asking quietly. "You sure you want to do this right now?" He held his breath, hoping she would change her mind.

She sat up and nodded her head, searching his eyes pleadingly for him to agree.

He lost himself for a moment in the turbulent oceans that peered into his very soul, before answering. "Ok."

Andi slowly sat up and shook her head slightly before realizing her head was pounding from all the crying. She winced slightly and grasped her forehead.

Dean sat up. "What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Headache. We got any pain killers?"

Dean got up and quickly rummaged through his bag, jumping at the chance to escape. "Nope. But I can get you some. Give me a few, I'll be back."

He made his way to the door, grabbed his jacket off the chair and continued outside, closing the door behind him. Andi waited a few moments, watching the door, waiting for him to figure out his mistake.

A moment later, the door opened back up and Dean put his jacket back on the chair. He let out a frustrated sigh, realizing that he wasn't getting out of this situation that easy this time, and proceeded to make a second pot of coffee.

Andi sat down at the table with her steaming cup, opening her mouth to speak but Dean cut her off. If he was going to jump in, he was jumping in headfirst with no pulled punches.

"You left us. You left ME. How did you think that that was ok, Andi?" His voice was full of anger and pain.

She hung her head, shamefully shaking it back and forth. He was going for the jugular, and she bolstered for it. "You were dead, Dean. I couldn't handle it." She took a deep breath and continued.

"I thought I was going to die after you were gone. I was so angry! I felt so helpless, so lost. What was done was done and I knew there was nothing in this Godamned world I could do about it! BUT I knew I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of you. Sam and Bobby were hurting just as badly as I was, and I couldn't help them. Sam would go on hunts by himself and wouldn't let me help him. Bobby would go on benders that lasted for days. I had never seen either of them like that. I couldn't do ANYTHING to make them feel better. And in the midst of all of their own pain, they were trying so hard to look after me. They were both so accommodating and hovering when they WERE home, or sober, the up and down was driving me nuts! So, I left." The tears started again and the anguish in her voice was overbearing. "Your death destroyed all of us, Dean.

Dean took another breath, closing his eyes briefly before starting again. "But I came back. Why didn't you come back then?"

"Because I was angry!" She shouted. "I was angry that YOU had left ME! That you had chosen to sacrifice yourself instead of working harder to help us save you, that you had given up so fucking easily instead of seeing the worth of the life you had with me and Sammy, and Bobby! So, I didn't come back when Cass pulled you out. You were alive, and that was all I needed to know.

Dean stared at her, stunned at her answer. "Really. That was enough for you. And what about Sammy and Bobby? You didn't think that they might need you after what had just happened?"

Andi stared right back at him, daggers shooting towards him. "They never lost me, Dean. I checked in with them every week. Well…up until the last six months, I guess. Cass even kept an eye on me from time to time, helped me out of a few scrapes here and there." She paused when she noticed his eyebrows raise, suddenly veering past that particular can of worms and continuing her statement.

"I cried and fumed over the phone with Sam, AND with Bobby, AND Cass on a regular basis, until I just couldn't cry anymore! Just because I didn't let them know where I was, doesn't mean they lost me. YOU lost me!" she was fuming again. Good, she thought. She needed the anger back. She really didn't want to cry anymore. It made her feel weak. And if there was one feeling she didn't want to feel right now, it was weak.

Dean was speechless. It took him a few moments to process what he was hearing. Castiel and Bobby, he understood, but Sam?

"Are you kidding me? Why wouldn't Sam have told me he was in contact with you? He should've told me! I could've at least…"

"You could've what, Dean? Talked to me? No. I asked him not to tell you because I didn't want to talk to you when you came back. I was so hurt, I held onto as much anger as I could just so I didn't have to deal with it. So, I asked Bobby and Sam to respect my wishes and that's what they did. Castiel agreed as well." She shielded her eyes behind her hair so that she didn't have to see the pain in Dean's. "I made it very clear to them that I was NOT coming home till I was ready."

Dean huffed and turned away from her. "So you made the choice. You chose for both of us and didn't even give me a chance. Well, that's pretty shitty, Andromeda! You never once thought that I might have needed YOU!? That I might have wanted to talk to you and try and explain?"

Now it was Andi's turn to scoff, her voice turned icy and condescending. "Right, Dean, 'cause you were going out of your way to find me, or get in touch with me! Cause I had so many unanswered messages from Sammy and Bobby of your undying love and devotion for me, begging me to come home!!" She was up and out of her chair, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger.

"Sam did tell me that you were fine, by the way. Said you barely even asked about me after they told you I had left. So, no, Dean, I DIDN'T think you needed me OR wanted to talk to me! And what the hell else was it that you WANTED me to think!? Were you expecting me to read your mind and come running back into your arms after that? No, Dean! YOU decided that your life wasn't worth saving. YOU! You chose that for ALL of us! So, like I said, I left it alone and stayed away."

Dean remembered the day he had shown up on Bobby's doorstep after digging himself out of his shallow grave. He had expected Andi to run down the stairs and fly into his arms. To welcome him back with no questions asked. He expected things to return to normal and he would be revered and celebrated for the sacrifice he had made for his little brother. That had not been the case, of course. When Sam had drug him outside to tell him about Andi taking off, he had felt abandoned. Deceived and jilted. The anger that she had been so selfish, and had abandoned ALL of them, after the life they had given her, was indescribable. The pain had been debilitating.

Until the pain turned to rage, and he couldn't even think about her without going on a three-day drinking binge. He never admitted to anyone, let alone himself, That the anguish of losing her was destroying him. That all the anger, resentment and rage stemmed from the hurt that he had lost her, and that deep down, he might just be willing to do anything to make it stop. But getting Dean Winchester to admit something like that was like trying to summon God from wherever he was hiding nowadays. It was likely never going to happen.

Dean stammered for a few seconds; the steam gone from his voice momentarily. "I don't know what I expected, Andi. But it wasn't that you would be gone."

Andi threw her head back and laughed condescendingly. "That's bullshit, Dean Winchester, and you know it!"

He stared at her again. He absolutely hated the way she did that to him. She always forced him to admit to shit he wasn't ready or willing to.

"Fine!" he barked disdainfully. "I was expecting you and Sammy to be so overwhelmed with gratitude that you both groveled at my feet for the rest of our miserable lives! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Andi rolled her eyes and laughed again. "YES, Princess! Without the stupid, fucking drama, but yes, that's what I wanted to hear, Dean. That you were so damned proud of yourself for making the ultimate fucking sacrifice, any other reaction to it other than total reverence was unacceptable! You were so pissed that I didn't grovel after you came back that you basically wrote me off! How did you put it a few weeks ago, 'She's not blood family, not anymore!'"

"What the…Are you… seriously? This just went from bat shit to ludicrous, Andi! You know me better than that! When have I EVER expected ANYONE to grovel? Let alone YOU? You were hurt that I chose to save Sammy?" His voice started to rise, along with an edge to his tone. "Well, that's what family does, sweetheart, so if you can't handle it that's not my problem. Find another family who doesn't give a shit."

She fumed at him but kept her voice as smooth as glass. "It's not the saving Sammy part that pissed me off, Winchester. It was the self-loathing, self-destructive, 'I don't want any help to get me outta this' part that pissed me off. You jumping in, all guns blazing, into any and EVERY situation like a frickin' martyr, just because you think YOU are the one who needs to pay off some fucked up debt for this family! That you deserve to suffer for ALL of us! You selfish, egotistical, ignorant, jackass!"

Dean jumped up from the table, swiping his head and face irritably. "I'm selfish? Me?! I had just spent what was essentially thirty years in hell for my brother, and your calling ME selfish?! That's just fucking perfect!" He turned away from her, he couldn't look at her in that moment, he was livid.

"Thirty years?!" Andi laughed uncomfortably. "Dean, you were only gone for close to year! You're being dramatic again." She smirked at him, not believing what he was telling her.

"A year in 'Earth years', sweetheart!" He returned viciously. "Apparently time moves differently there."

"You're lying." She stared at him intently.

He turned, stared directly back at her, and whispered, "I'm not."

"YOU'RE LYING!" She stood up and slammed her hands on the table.

He just stood still. Never taking his eyes off of hers as he slowly shook his head back and forth.

It took her a moment to realize that she was gaping at him, mouth open, while literally falling into the chair, desperately trying to process the information she had just received. She searched his eyes for any clue that he might be lying, or even exaggerating. He wasn't.

Her voice shook as she finally choked out "Why…why didn't you tell me?"

He immediately descended on her, throwing his hands forcefully on the table on either side of her, causing her coffee mug to jump and fall to the floor, and proceeded to yell louder than she had ever heard him yell before, "YOU NEVER GAVE ME THE CHANCE!!"

Andi closed her eyes at the onslaught, inching back in the chair as far as she could. He stood still in front of her, his breathing labored and ragged as she held hers. She didn't make a sound. Didn't move another inch.

Oh God, she thought. What had she done? She truly HAD abandoned him when he had needed her! She had been so selfish and had only been thinking about herself and her own feelings, that she had actually been cruel and unforgiving to the man that she had loved more than her entire existence! Thirty years?! That was his entire lifetime! In Hell! And he had chosen that. For his family. For Sammy.

Andi and Sam had ALWAYS known that Dean had a misguided belief that HE was the one who deserved to take on any pain or sacrifice for the group of them. For the entire family. They knew that he believed that they would be fine without him. He had always said that their strength, as well as their worth, was greater than his. But he was wrong. He was the best of all of them.

The realization of the enormity of what she had done came crashing down upon her like a 50-Ton Acme safe. When she opened her eyes, he was still inches from her. The pain in his eyes had turned liquid and was now spilling over onto his cheeks. Andi instinctively raised both hands to cup his face, pulling him closer so that she could touch his forehead to hers.

She choked out a whisper "I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry, Dean…"

She could hear a long sigh escape his lips as his entire body collapsed at her feet, wrapping his arms around her waist securely as his knees hit the ground. All Andi could do was stroke his hair as he wept into her lap, absently wiping at her own tears that were now falling onto his face.

"I didn't know. I'm so sorry. Oh God, Dean, I'm so sorry." She just repeated it over and over, rocking him back and forth until his breathing stilled. They lost track of time as they sat holding each other for what felt like forever.

It was her turn to hold him up this time, she thought as she recalled earlier when the tables had been turned. It felt so natural. She had always been there to help him through everything.

Until recently.

Until now.

Dean finally composed himself, stood up and went to the sink to splash cold water on his face. When he sat at the table across from her, he looked utterly defeated and Andi brought him a fresh cup of coffee.

"I don't know what to say, Dean. I mean… Oh God, I am so…"

Dean cut her off. "I know, Andi, you've said it a hundred times already."

She reached across the table and touched his hand. "I was going to say ashamed. What I did was cruel and unforgivable. I was so selfish, and so fucking childish. I… I don't blame you for hating me." She shielded her eyes, too embarrassed to meet his. "I'm actually kinda hating myself right now."

Dean shook his head and sighed, taking another sip of coffee. "Andi, I don't hate you. I don't think I'm capable of that particular feeling towards you. I've been angry for a long time. But no, I can't hate you."

She took another deep breath, not knowing exactly how to ask her next question. "Will you tell me about…?"

"No." His voice went cold for a second, and she saw the muscles in his jaw clench slightly. She inwardly agreed not to push the issue and gave him an indulgent nod. She knew that feeling of not wanting to share intimate details of deeply disturbing personal trauma. She solemnly loathed that he had to feel it at all.

"Well, can we at least try to come to some kind of truce… for now? This back and forth is making me crazy, Dean. I know it's making you crazy too. If we can just finish this case, once and for all, I promise I will leave when it's over and give you some space. I'll even go back to Bobby's and stay there for a while if it would make you guys feel better."

Dean took a few moments to think before adding, "And will you promise…"

"AND I promise not to do anything stupid in the meantime." She smiled weakly.

"Why?" Dean's eyes narrowed. "Why would you do that? You've never listened to any of us in the past, why would you do it now?"

Andi looked at him with guilt and regret evident in her expression. "Because, Dean, right now, I will do ANYTHING to make up for what I did. I'll do whatever you ask of me if it will make you believe in me again."

He stared at her for a long time. He wanted to believe in her again. He wanted to trust her again. Damn, he wanted to just gather her up in his arms and hold her for the rest of eternity. But he couldn't. Not now.

He let out a long breath and shifted in his chair. His voice was gentle this time. "Ok. But you're going to have to hang back when we say hang back. Please, Andi. I can't go through that again. WE can't. When we thought we might have lost you for good…" His voice cracked a little and Andi smiled compassionately, reaching for his hand again.

"OK." She nodded. "I promise."

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They both jumped clear out of their chairs when the motel door suddenly flew open, and Sam stepped in. The look of exasperation on his face was evident as he put a paper bag down on the table and stood in front of them, waving his hands and yelling.

"Ok. I've had enough of this bullshit between the two of you! I've been the go between for long enough! I'm not doin' it anymore. No more secrets, no more passing notes in class, NO MORE! If you two don't get you're shit straightened out right fuckin now, I'm gonna lock you both in Bobby's basement until you do! I'm sick and tired of this shit!"

Dean and Andi looked at each other and then up at Sam. Dean just laughed at him and stood up to give him a sound slap on the shoulder.

"You can untwist your panties now, Sammy, we just did. No more bullshit, little brother. Promise."

Sam stammered, gawking at the both of them. "But… I had this whole thing… I…"

"It's ok now, Sammy. We talked it out. We're good now." Andi assured him, patting his arm.

Sam threw up his hands again. "Shit! I had this whole thing rehearsed and everything! You guys have both been complete assholes for weeks and now I don't even get to vent that shit?!

Dean made his way towards the bathroom, pausing a moment before answering. "I don't know what to tell you, Sammy. Save your little speech for the next time, I guess. Or better yet, record it and then you can play it for us when you get pissed the next time."

Dean shut the door just as Sam threw the car keys at it.