Chapter 8
Afterword and the author's notes
Dear readers,
First – thank you for reading this story. The statistics is already encouraging enough. I would also very much appreciate feedback. This story has taken a lot of work, edit and proofreading, but there still may be typos or grammar flaws left, sure. This I will see to myself later, when I am familiar enough with the editing technicalities on this site. What I will appreciate most is your impressions of that story. Did I get the characters of my two most favorite Star Trek characters right? ;) You tell me. (Well, Data comes close, but that's another story…)
Second - this is my first publication on this site, and I haven't yet figured out some things and peculiarities. Some authors I saw here manage to put author's notes before each chapter – how do they do it? Well, here let's make do with the afterword. Maybe it is better – it is a relatively short story, not a novel or a collection of stories – so why interrupt the mood by chatting at the start of every chapter, really? Maybe if I write a collection of stories – I'll talk to readers at the start of each chapter there.
Third – I am not American, if that matters ))).
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About grammatical tenses in this story. It somehow felt wrong to me to have all the narrative in the past tense, or all in the present (which would be impossible anyway because there are a lot of flashbacks). So the use of tenses goes like that: the change of tense may signify the change of pace. Past tense is used naturally for flashbacks, and also for those parts of the story where the pace slows down – such as where there are a lot of thoughts and reflections. Present tense is used where the pace of the story becomes more … well, tense. If some grammar incongruities are still left after the edit – this will be corrected.
Now, some things and words and thoughts to add to this story…
This is a character story first and foremost, it is a psychological story - that's why it is all about thoughts and dialogues, emotions and reflections, and not so much action (except in flashbacks). Doctor McCoy wakes up the morning after the experiment that left Spock blind – a rude awakening. Spock gets well again because of the Vulcan biology and holds no grudge, but McCoy's career is still over because the doctor has made a grave medical mistake and can't forgive himself. He feels like he has ruined not just his career, but also some ties that have formed on this ship and are now very important to his inner world. And his coping habits are not healthy – the good doctor habitually takes to heavy drinking whenever he is upset, and here he is more than upset. Both he and Spock (who, as usual, shows less than he feels, but has been through a lot and has to deal with it) have to get through this day in their own ways and reach a new level of understanding. A kinda serious take on trauma, guilt, shame, depression, misunderstanding, insecurity and addiction – laced with sassy banter, annoying arguments, character sketches, battles of tempers and some colorful metaphors, with an unmistakable affection underlining it all. It's McCoy and Spock, after all; they do that a lot and always make it through. Solving the moral and mental crises of the end of the 1st season is exactly the reason why Spock then in "Amok Time" names both Kirk _and_ McCoy as his closest friends.
This story is an attempt to fill in the missing scenes and give insight on characters and events. With a lot of respect to the original one; no wish to alter, simply to add and dive deeper.
About the events of "Operation: Annihilate" that are heavily addressed here. Except that it was one of the best episodes in the show, with a really good plot and great acting, very re-watchable… This is the turning point in the 5-year mission for the 2 of the main characters, IMO, when McCoy finally realizes that he cares for Spock much more than for just his companion in arguments or patient. And that their adversary relationship has begun to grow into something important. Even if both of them are not keen on getting sentimental about it. (Although there was a notable occasion before, when McCoy was openly and shamelessly worried about Spock and just as openly and shamelessly relieved to learn that he got well – when Spock got shot nearly to death in the 1st season episode "A Private Little War").
So, all this is mostly about the interactions and unspoken thoughts between Spock and McCoy, still on somewhat early stages of their relationship. It only begins to slowly turn into friendship. They remain arguing antagonists forever, we all know it, but it is interesting to track the moment when they become real friends. IMO, it is exactly what is described in this story. No slash, folks!
The scenes and even thoughts sometimes mirror each other – there's a reason for that. And there is a valid reason why Spock's immortal katra was compatible with the mind of his "frenemy" McCoy. Great minds think alike… even if they have opposing tempers.
Kirk gets in the story, of course, but his POV is not really my thing, especially Kirk in the series (thankfully he matured a little in the TOS movies) – though I am not entirely unsympathetic there too, so to say. It is all about McCoy's and Spock's POV, Kirk just helps a little, Nurse Chapel too.
Now some words about the characters…
The story starts with Doctor McCoy and largely focuses on him, so first let's talk about him. (It is actually Spock who firmly holds the first place in my own list of Star Trek all-time favorites – but McCoy is a close second and is much easier to write. To write Spock you have to, you know, straighten up, mobilize all your mental faculties and get all no-nonsense…).
Doctor Mc Coy may look and sound funny and ridiculous at times, but there are moments that show how deep a person he really is, including in the "deep waters" sense. McCoy has his demons and it rather explains his notorious temper. But he also, of course, has the deep loyalty, compassion, deep empathy and inherent wisdom – the traits that finally won over even a certain stubborn half-Vulcan. And all that irascibility can hide a lot of things, including insecurity and vulnerability. Our dear Doctor McCoy is quite a case…
McCoy is often ridiculous, McCoy is irritable and his emotions are often all over the place… but McCoy is a wise man, and a very honorable man when it comes to really dire situations. Also McCoy, as lovable as he is, is an addict. And this can be no fun sometimes (well, except for drunken jokes). This stuff can be damn dark and deep and unhealthy at times. And it can even be dangerous – mostly to himself, because he really takes the oath "Do no harm" _very_ seriously. His past partly explains why he became an addict, by the way. Thankfully, it is not the trait that defines his character. McCoy is one of the most lovable addicts in the history of cinema thanks to his other traits and a huge heart. It is just a part of this very complex character that must not be neglected.
What is undisputable – is that McCoy is truly a high-class medical professional, with amazing skills and creative approach, as well as with high ethical standards. A professional you can entrust your life to. That's why his character has inspired so many young people to go into medicine. Mc Coy is also undoubtedly good at psychology and can analyze himself just as well as he does others. He is also perfectly capable of directing his irony at himself. He is a very keen observer of human (and non-human) nature. He also has a great sense of humor. There are really a lot of reasons why he is such a good doctor )).
And of course De Forest Kelly was a genius actor that could show so much on so many levels, even with the limited screen time. This depth gives us much to think about.
I also think that the psychological ramifications of McCoy's mistake in "Operation: Annihilate" were not addressed enough – neither in the series, nor books, nor fan fiction that I know of. There are a lot of ethical and personal moments here that can still be addressed. Same with the more serious and disturbing side of his drinking habit in all the series and movies – it is not addressed properly… Movie time limits. He really drinks _too_ much, and he definitely is not a "happy drinker" (well, he remains a kind and decent human in spite of that). I am not a fan of "noir", and Star Trek in general is definitely not about "noir", but I am very much into psychology, and some things must be addressed from the psychological point of view. Not turning it all into some pretentious and boring psychoanalysis, of course! )))
There is quite a lot of inner dialogue on the part of McCoy here. And of course, as shown a lot in this story and what you must always remember when writing about Doctor McCoy - McCoy always contradicts himself, just as often as he contradicts others. That's part of his charm – but it sure makes his own life harder, not only Spock's.
CommanderSpock – he is of course a certified deep no-nonsense one, including "deep waters" and contradictory nature behind that façade of logic (I'd even say – unpredictable nature), and a kind heart behind that stern exterior. This admirable complexity is what draws us emotional humans to his character. We humans should anyway keep in mind that Spock is not like us, and wasn't meant to be, even when he has his "human moments". That Vulcan mind-training stuff is mighty strong stuff, folks, as is their telepathy and general perceptiveness, as is their famous logic. It is really a different mentality – and many humans tend to dislike and distrust what they can't understand. Not to mention the physical differences – emotions actually reside in our bodies, not in our heads. (Vulcans in fact have very strong natural emotions, hope you know it). And Spock was born on Vulcan, was brought up as a Vulcan, and even looks totally like a Vulcan – and balancing his two sides was a really long journey for him.
I'd also say that, as I see it, it's not really his emotions he had to fight, and not even his human half – it's the societal expectations that really were the problem. From both Vulcan _and_ human societies, by the way.
The upbringing in the line of Surak's Way is in no way meant to eradicate emotions – only to control them and not let them control you. This is very important to understand. And Vulcans do not really deny emotions – it is illogical to deny what exists in nature ;). So on the planet Vulcan young Spock is not some "emo teenager" rebelling against an "unemotional society" (fan fiction loves it, but it is not really true to character), it is more complicated that that. Also, on the other hand, among humans and whatever happens on missions, Spock is not "simply hiding it all" – most times he is actually and totally capable of dealing with himself. Which requires great inner strength as the base of all that mind-training. And much respect to Leonard Nimoy for embodying that admirable inner core strength and integrity – something that the later versions of Spock sadly lack, IMO. Even trying to think from Original Spock's point of view makes one a better person.
I actually try to avoid this "emotions versus logic" dichotomy, it is way too overused and superficial, IMO. Spock is a way too much complex and alive character for that kind of template.
And Spock thinks like a telepath, it is inherent to him and must be always kept in mind. What is more, it is my firm conviction (or headcanon, as fanfic writers like to say) that Spock is not only a strong telepath (he doesn't always need touch to establish contact, if you remember) – Spock is a natural born empath! And a strong one. I wonder if Leonard Nimoy himself had the same conviction – because he definitely played it like that. Of course, empathic abilities are directly based on emotions and intuition – and that is something Spock had to hide since childhood. (Vulcans do not _deny_ emotions, remember, they _suppress_ them and _control_ them). But there are way too many moments both in the series and the movies that show: while it is sometimes hard for Spock to define his own emotions, to place them right and to deal with them – he is quite often spot on about what others feel and about how to define and deal with _their_ emotions. He can be an amazing moral support. This is especially true when his friends are concerned, but sometimes he shows the same when dealing with strangers. That is exactly what empaths do.
As for the events in this story: Spock simply doesn't think in terms like "to care about someone" or "to be worried about someone" – they are simply not in his lexicon (at the time, this early in the 5-year mission; later it changes, of course). But it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it. He would rather define this state as "being confused and uncomfortable", and would maybe even try to avoid that person or else offer some practical solution instead of sentimental talk – but it sure doesn't mean that he "doesn't care" (as the good doctor is often too quick to accuse). And don't forget that he has been through a lot in that mission on Deneva, been through literal hell and his life was in danger – so he _really_ has to take care of himself first, as a matter of survival and keeping his sanity. This is why I devoted a whole chapter to his meditation sequence (it was very enjoyable to write, by the way!).
But I hope it is obvious that Spock watches the doctor as attentively as the doctor watches him – it is just that he sometimes has trouble interpreting humans correctly, especially this human. And he _did_ have thoughts about trying to talk with the doctor later, though it made him very uncomfortable – but he _really_ had to take care of himself first. He didn't forget it though (it is unlikely Spock ever forgets anything btw), so it was not entirely by the captain's request that Spock finally decided to visit the doctor in his quarters.
And of course, Spock usually thinks like he was brought up to think – logically and rationally. Mind over matter. Not a bad attitude at all. Actually a better one than making your whole life a drama ))). But any ambiguousness, indeterminacy, uncertainty of the situation and "having no idea what to do or say" can be very taxing here. What helps is the aspect of Vulcan logic that most off-worlders do not understand (or even aware of) – the concept of "being in the moment and taking things as they are, not as you want them to be". In Vulcan it is "kaiidth". A shorter translation is "what is, is". And it is actually much closer to Zen philosophy than to the formal logic of the Earth European mentality. Many of Vulcan concepts actually are, if you try and dig deeper. So "Vulcan logic" is really not so stiff and formal as some prejudiced humans like to think ;). Vulcans _can_ think out of the box and improvise according to the situation. Well, the same prejudiced humans also like to think that Vulcans "have no emotions" – which is very far from truth…
When Spock enters the Doctor's quarters in the last chapter – he has _totally_ no idea what to do or say. He is obviously not used to talks of that kind. And why would he even hope to succeed in such a talk if the captain has already failed in it? One thing Spock knows is that he has a task to make McCoy change his mind and stay. And of course it is just as much for personal reasons as for the work reasons, but Spock is not the one to talk about it, right? And not much experience with "heart to heart talks", with whatever person, not to mention _this_ very difficult person. Spock has to not only improvise, but also to get "touchy-feely", and this makes him _very_ uncomfortable. And so does the state both the doctor and his quarters are in, of course. Any sober human would agree with this, not just Vulcans ))).
He also doesn't quite understand why the doctor has decided to quit. Even though as a telepath and an empath he is aware of the doctor's state of mind and emotions after the experiment, and even considers doing something about it in the morning – Spock is not a doctor himself, and doesn't see this situation as Doctor McCoy sees it. No common frame of reference, as Spock himself would say. Entering the room, Spock awaits explanations and some clue from the doctor, who of course does it all wrong because of his temper (and maybe because of the alcohol fumes too), talking nonsense and making Spock even more uncomfortable and clueless – and this makes him angry, more than the doctor's antics usually do. In case you wondered. But they soon work it out. And Spock decides to simply cut all the nonsense.
Some awkward moments ensue, added for relief – it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, really. Also it is Spock and McCoy, and they _always_ have comic moments even in the direst situations. Also, while Spock is definitely not the one to talk about all that "caring" stuff – actions speak louder than words in his case! ;) Also Spock is definitely not the one to throw around such words as "friends" – at the time, it is hard for him to say it even in his own thoughts. And McCoy of course knows it, and this is partly why it is so hard for McCoy to ask Spock about where they stand with each other after all these events of the Deneva mission. Well… McCoy himself is usually cautious with this word, too. McCoy's biography shows that he didn't have much trust in people before the famous Triumvirate was formed.
But Spock finally gives McCoy his answer, even if the question has never been asked aloud. Spock is a telepath and an empath, after all. By the way, the thing he does in the end before saying "we are still… on good terms" – it is _not_ a mind meld. A mind meld is a _very_ profound thing, and is not given or taken lightly. Especially not without mutual agreement. And this brief telepathic touch that Spock performs – it is a quite common therapeutic thing: the pain relief for the headache, followed by a sleep suggestion. Common among telepathic species, of course. Though some gifted humans can do the same sometimes.
And of course, I must kindly ask the readers to not read any slash stuff into this story of mine. I know that fan fiction readers do it a lot. But I am not that kind of writer at all. Exploring _true friendship_ between such complex and opposite characters feels much more true and is sure more productive. And much more respectful to the original characters too! When two guys care for each other – it is called friendship, it is that simple. When two guys look at each other - they _look_ at each other, it is communication and not sex. Even if those guys look quite handsome to you. (This concerns Kirk and Spock too btw!). Also men make awkward jokes all the time, they do that a lot, but it doesn't make them _all_ gay. And of course there is _absolutely_ nothing sexy in trying to put a really drunk man into bed – noting sexy in it either for a woman or a man, if they are sober themselves. Anyone who really tried it in real life knows it. If you _still_ managed to read in slash stuff where it wasn't meant to be – it is your own business, the author is not responsible for it ))).
No slash, folks. Here or in any future works. Sorry to disappoint you if I did. Slash is bad for your immortal katra. Meditation is good.
About the meditation sequence in Chapter 6. Welcome to the Vulcan Zen! I hope I managed to convey the idea a little. But I had to be brief, to carry on the story. Here I described some meditation techniques that actually work in practice; it is not just my fantasy. I also touched on various different stages and levels of meditation, however briefly. Meditation – real meditation - is not just relaxation, or just repeating mantras, or sitting still. It is much more than that. And you actually have to learn a lot to perform it properly and to benefit from it. And yes, it requires control of body and mind – self-control, not following some "life coach". (Because the so-called "guided meditations" popular with the Western fans of everything "new age" are actually _hypnosis sessions_, not meditations. Real meditation is something that you can only do _yourself_, not have someone tell you what to think and how to feel).
Very little is actually said or shown in TOS and the TOS movies about the Vulcan meditation, but there are other sources. Such as ST "Voyager", ST "Enterprise", special sites on the Vulcan language and culture, as well as… sites and books on Zen and Taoism. There are really a lot of similarities. And of course Spock devoted much time and effort to meditation even at that relatively young age, no doubt here. This is part of why Spock is so cool, in case you wondered ))). One has to try it himself/herself to really understand what an amazing thing meditation is and how it really helps to grow as a person and simply to live!
Unfortunately, Hollywood producers don't understand much about meditation and telepathy, and often either neglect it or get it wrong; so do some book authors too. But I must say that I saw fan fiction authors that sometimes show remarkable insights – so kudos to them. And Leonard Nimoy, even being an American actor of Jewish descent and no Zen monk, sure did have some Zen vibe about him and some innate understanding of such things – probably from past lives, who knows. He did say something btw about how the Vulcan nerve-pinch is effective primarily because of energy, not physical force – and this sounds straight from the "inner styles" of kung-fu, for those familiar with the topic. Maybe there is more to his Asian looks than mere gene play, as well as his way of thinking – if to apply the past lives theory...
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Well, I could go on and on, but I'd better save the energy for creative efforts ))). And listen to your opinions.
Thank you very much.