Sitting under the magnolia trees of her childhood, Mulan watched the last petals fall to the ground. It was still early, but her mind was heavy. She had some trouble seeing the beauty of the garden today, yet of all the places in the garden, this was her favourite. Before she left for the war, coming here always made her happy. Here she came as a child to listen to her father telling his war stories. It made him happy, for he had no son to share it with. Mulan listened with open mouth and wide eyes to the stories of her father fighting for China's honour and glory. She did not realise then that her father watered down his stories so as not to make her cry. After two or three stories, her father always stopped, shaking his head, sighing, and saying "War... it changes a man". Mulan's mother always took her by the arm to send her back to her dolls when he said that like it was a signal. Retreating to her room, Mulan could watch her sit near her husband and take his hand in hers. When it happened, Mulan no longer saw them until the evening.

She'd been too little to understand the war had changed her father and that although he was proud to have served China, he sometimes regretted the price he had to pay.

Now Mulan understood what he felt. She too had been a soldier and knew people left a part of themselves on the first battlefield they fought, and in every battle after that. A part of Mulan remained buried in the mountain, under the snow that swallowed up the thousands of Huns she had killed with a single shot. Another remained on the steps of the Imperial Palace. Maybe it was better that way. Those who didn't give up a part of themselves became men capable of killing little girls. Better to be a Mulan with scars on her soul and body than a Shan-Yu.

Still. These scars were heavy to bear. Sometimes, Mulan would meet her father's gaze and they exchanged a sad look, full of mutual understanding. Mulan's mother and grandmother acted as if everything was back to the way it was before, but they both knew it was just wishful thinking. And when she got up in the morning, when she had breakfast with her family, when she got dressed, when she walked down the familiar paths of the garden, and until she went to bed, she kept thinking the same thought.

Mulan was no longer Mulan.

But then, who was she? No one here had an answer to give to her. Her father no longer knew whether to speak to her as the daughter he had seen grow up or a son returning from the war. Her mother and grandmother, who congratulated her for her courage, trembled whenever Mulan tried to tell them what she had lived through. Mulan herself didn't understand. All her life, she had seen her life laid out before her even if, as a girl, she had only proved that she would bring nothing but dishonour to her family. She knew what to do, but failed horrendously. Her duty had been to marry a man chosen by her father and to be as attentive, respectful, silent, and obedient to her new family as possible. After that, society would have expected her to raise sons for war and daughters for marriage. It was not an awful life, but not one she wanted to live. But she knew she had no choice. There was no other path for a woman, at least to any honourable one.

But no man would want to marry a woman coming back from war, even one the Emperor applauded for her filial duty. Where did it leave her?

All Mulan had ever wanted was to preserve her family's honour and to save her father's life. She had never thought about the consequences of her actions. If only the ancestor answered her questions... Mulan had called them for help, but now that the honor of the family and the life of her father were no longer at stake, they stayed silent, even Mushu. Did they feel it was up to her to fend for herself now, or had they withdrawn the trust they put in her? Mulan found herself alone with her questions, walking around a garden that had seemed as big as the Empire, but now looked so small.

The sound of her father's cane on the garden stones pulled her from her thoughts. Mulan looked up and smiled as he approached and carefully sat down on the bench next to her.

"Can I know what my daughter is thinking about?"

"Of course, father. I was thinking that last year on this day I was just a child. And I wondered who I will be next year."

Fa Zhou nodded. He too must have found the world very different now that she had returned so changed. He stood there with her for a moment, watching the flowers flutter gently in the breeze.

"Is there anything else, Mulan?"

She nodded, but couldn't find the words. They remained stuck in her throat, when she once spoke too freely to her parents, especially for a woman. The matchmaker was right, Mulan would have been incapable of being the dutiful wife that every man had the right to demand. Fa Zhou sighed and bent down to pick up a magnolia petal. He raised it to eye level to let the daylight shine through it.

"Sitting under this tree has always soothed me," Fa Zhou said. "It was already here when I was a child, but I saw it flourish and become more beautiful with every passing year. I was sitting here when I learned the gods had seen fit to bless me with a child. Did I ever tell you I named you for this tree? When I saw you were a girl, I decided I wanted the memory of this tree and these flowers to accompany you wherever you go. Of course, I was thinking about your wedding day, not about you going to war."

"I... didn't know. But you choose well! When I thought of home, it was your face and that tree that appeared in my mind first. Sometimes, I wanted to take refuge under its branches, like when I was a child. These memories always strengthened me, so thank you for this present, Father."

"So the tree did what I hoped him to do. I will need to thank him."

"Yet..."

Unable to finish her thought, Mulan shook her head. Her father placed a hand on her shoulder. His hand was frailer than Mulan remembered, but stronger too in a way. Fa Zhou sighed.

"Boys or girls, we must all leave behind the gardens of our childhood. The little bird must take its flight and this garden is already too small for my dear Mulan."

Mulan fought against her tears and lost that battle. Her father said it so much better than she ever could. Some days, the garden walls seemed to close on her. Some nights, even the calm atmosphere of the garden was not enough to calm her anxieties. Mulan didn't want to leave, though. And even if she did, where would she go anyway? Her place was with her family now. Honour had dictated that she should go to war in her father's place. Honour demanded that she stay, even if her family home suddenly seemed foreign to her. Sometimes, it was her mind and body that seemed to be strangers.

Fa Zhou cleared his throat.

"Captain Li has returned. He wants to talk to you."

"Really?"

Shang visited them right after Mulan returned. Without a doubt, it had been the most embarrassing meal ever for every person involved. He had left the next day, apologising that his obligations called him back to the Imperial City. His stay has been so quick Mulan was not sure he was ever there, but she had gladly forgiven him for his precipitation. The gods and the ancestors knew their regiment needed constant attention.

His regiment. She shouldn't make the mistake. It was Shang's future, but Mulan's past and one day it wouldn't hurt that much.

"I think he has something to ask me, but would like it better if the answer came from you."

Mulan could guess what it was about. She had hoped for this moment as much as she had feared it.

"Do you know what it is about?" she still asked, while trying to regain her composure.

"You will see for yourself. I told him to meet you here."

Fa Zhou stood up. Turning her head, Mulan noticed Shang waiting on the other side of the garden for someone to signal him he could enter. Her heart beat faster. Traitor. Mulan ignored it and stood to bow to her former captain. Shang returned her bow, then bowed again as Fa Zhou passed by and disappeared from their sight.

They were alone now. Mulan didn't see her mother and grandmother anywhere. It was strange. Last time, her mother and grandmother had almost suffocated Shang with their thanks, but also took care to never leave them alone.

Mulan swallowed. Of course, she had been alone with Shang or other men plenty of time before. She had been a soldier. But this time, they were alone while she was wearing a dress. It changed things. All customs said they shouldn't be left alone. Anything could happen. As a soldier, she had a pretty good idea of what could happen.

Shang stopped a few steps away from her. He bowed again.

"Fa Mulan."

"Captain. It is an honour and a pleasure to see you again."

Shang opened and closed his mouth. Mulan had to bite her lips to keep from laughing. It was funny, kind of. When she wore Ping's clothes, she struggled to look him in the eyes without shaking and stuttering. Now he was the one who couldn't look her in the eyes.

And just like that, it wasn't funny anymore. How she hated this distance between them! Although he always seemed to judge Ping with such severity, Shang had once addressed her as someone he trusted. It was painful to see this was no longer the case. How a few weeks had changed things between them. No, scratch that. Hours had sufficed, and a revelation on the mountain.

Too late for regrets, and since Shang remained quiet like a carp, it was up to Mulan to fuel the conversation. She had been taught what to do, although it was unlikely that her prospective husband would be willing to start a conversation with his wife. The golden rule was not to broach any subject that might cause a husband's worries, and, with a soldier, never to broach military subjects. It was not a womanly thing to do. A man wanted a woman to take his worries away from him, not for her to make him think about them.

"How are the men faring, captain?"

Mulan bit her tongue. Even when she knew what she should do, she was doing it all wrong. Fortunately, Shang seemed reassured the conversation was getting back on more familiar ground.

"Good. They're fine. The Emperor lent us his best doctor and everyone is recovering from their wounds."

Meanwhile, the village doctor had finished treating Mulan's wound and said she would have deserved to have them infected for doing such an unwomanly thing. Maybe she should have stayed in the capital to recover, but she was too eager to see her parents again, and it would have been awkward for her and the men. She had also feared the Emperor would change his mind about her. One thing for sure, for the people here, the Emperor's approval mattered less than the weight of traditions. The matchmaker had come in person to conduct a new interview and declared to anyone who would listen that even with five swords and ten additional emperor's medallions, Mulan would never be good enough for marriage. It was best not to wonder why this humiliating response had relieved Mulan so much.

She forced herself to smile.

"I'm glad to know they're okay. I hope they don't get into too much trouble."

Shang grimaced.

"They're soldiers in a big city. Of course, they get in trouble, but so far, I've stopped them before it got too bad. Still, I don't dare to stay away for too long. Who knows what shenanigans they're getting in right now? But I had to come back."

"You already brought back my father's things," Mulan protested. "It was really kind of you and more than enough."

She didn't like where the conversation was going, or rather, she feared it. She should have understood as soon as her father told her that Shang was coming back and that he was coming to ask her a question, or when she saw Shang's nervousness, his impeccable uniform, and his way of carrying himself as if he were going into battle. It was obvious. She just hadn't wanted to think too hard about it.

Mulan hesitated between fainting and running to the other side of the house. Her heart betrayed her by beating wildly. She hadn't been this scared since the Huns attacked on the mountain. She hadn't been this torn since she had to choose between risking death by going back to warn Shang of the Huns's survival or returning home having saved her father and bringing dishonour to her entire family, but alive so that her parents wouldn't mourn her.

"I came to ask your father a question," Shang finally said. "He and I have mentioned this possibility before, but I would like to hear the answer from you. Fa Mulan, if I ask your father for your hand, would you be in favour of this proposal?"

Mulan had been right. She should have fled when she saw him come back.

"I'm not good marrying material," she stammered.

Shang frowned.

"Fa Mulan, not good enough to marry?"

The idea seemed to amuse him. Mulan shook her head. She had to make him understand.

"I know how to sew, but my dresses are atrociously shapeless. I know how to cook, but I'm far from being talented and..."

She paused when she saw Shang raise his hand in protest.

"To me, it seems any man would be proud to marry a woman like the one I have before my eyes, a woman who impressed the Emperor himself."

"Is this what you want to marry me for?" Mulan asked, a little annoyed. "To be the husband of the woman who saved China and be sure that my name will not be mentioned without yours added next to it?"

Shang took a step back, his face suddenly cold. Mulan bit her lip. Hurting him had been the last thing on her mind. Shang didn't deserve this. He was only trying to help her, and that conversation was already more than she could bear. Mulan needed air.

She lifted her skirts, pushed back Shang, and ran. He called after her, but she didn't listen.

Running past the house, Mulan passed the altar to the ancestor, and the collapsed statue of the great dragon. She only stopped at the wall that separated her parent's house from the forest beyond. Her side hurt and she was panting, so she leaned against the wall to catch her breath, cursing the dress and shoes her sex forced her to wear. She'd like to tear them to shreds, but couldn't come home in rags and upset her parents again, so she just threw her shoes against the wall. It did not make her feel better, and neither did the curses she'd learned in the army.

Finally, she put on her shoes, feeling a little silly to show such lack of control. A man could show his frustration like that, not a woman. Looking around her, she discovered Shang sitting nearby and looking in another direction. Mulan frowned. She wanted to sneak into the house and not come out until he was gone, but after what they had been through together, she probably wanted him to finish that conversation. He looked sheepishly at her when she approached.

"I'm sorry. Your grandmother told me where you may run before you did."

Mulan sighed. She would deal with her grandmother later, or not at all, if it was to receive a smug look in return.

"Do you want to marry me?" she challenged Shang instead.

"I do. But only if you want it to."

He smiled weakly at her. Mulan forced herself to ignore what his smile did to her inside.

"Why? I'm not good marrying material."

"You said that already. I think I had noticed that already. You are right, a good wife knows how to sew, cook, run a house, and entertain her husband. She's not supposed to run around and spouting soldier curses. She doesn't throw her shoes at the wall."

So he saw it. Mulan blushed at her outburst. If ever she had a chance of finding a husband, she had destroyed it even more effectively than she had brought down the mountain on the Hun invaders.

"Plenty of girls in town would be overwhelmed with pride at the thought of marrying Captain Li Shang. They will make your ancestors proud. I will not."

"Have you not made yours proud?"

Mulan bit her lip. She had brought honour to her family, but a family-in-law would not view her with the same indulgence.

"Then you refuse me? Why?"

She could hear the lack of confidence in his voice. Mulan sighed and ran a hand through her hair to restore some order to her appearance, even if she knew her efforts would be vain. She didn't see what he could find in her. She had been too fragile as a boy and she was relatively ordinary as a girl, especially with her hair that barely reached her shoulders. It was a mystery.

"You did not answer me. Why do you want to marry me?"

Shang blushed.

"The Emperor told me, word for word, that men did not meet a woman like you in every dynasty, Fa Mulan. I would like to know you."

Mulan's eyes widened.

"Did the Emperor say that?"

And if he did, could she go straight to the matchmaker to repeat it? But Shang probably misunderstood the Emperor. Her heart and her mind could not believe he said that. She needed to sit. After she did, she looked at her hands, searching for words. Her captain hesitated, but finally took two steps toward her to sit a little closer to her. He kept his distance, and she was grateful for that. It made her confession a little easier.

"I don't know what kind of woman I am myself. I'm not sure you want to know. You do not know me."

"How could I? You are the woman who lied to all of China."

Seeing her blushing and turning pale in turns, Shang slapped his forehead.

"I didn't want it to come out like that. What I mean... It's hard to find my words today. Let's say I knew Ping and now I would like to know Mulan?"

And for that, they would need to marry. Mulan had disturbed all traditions, but she could only remain an exception. Girls would be taught to admire what she did but to never try to emulate her. If they ever tell her story. It would be better if they forgot about her. Things had to return to their place to preserve traditional order. Out of filial piety, she had taken the place of a man. And now, out of filial piety, she had to fall into line, get married, and start a family. The world would forget that Li Mulan, Zu Mulan, Shu Mulan, or whatever her future name was, had been Fa Mulan, the girl who saved China. Even though Mulan knew this, it left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Only three futures were available to her. In the first, she married a man, any man willing to do anything to see some of the merit that Mulan had gained bled in him. Perhaps her husband's activities would one day lead her to meet her former captain again, but propriety would force them to settle for a vague nod of the head to show that they recognised each other. A good wife would not talk with another man, especially one she met in a war camp. It would be awkward, to say the least.

In the second, she showed the world that she was unfit for marriage, stayed with her parents to care for them as long as they were alive, and then sank into poverty and oblivion.

Or she was marrying Shang. For some unknown reason, it was even more unbearable than the other two.

"Why refuse?", Shang insisted. "It would be the ideal situation for you. My father... my father is no longer with us there to allow or refuse our marriage. My mother will be surprised, but if you give her a little time to get used to it, she will accept you. She is not the type to impose herself. You could rule the house as you see fit. I'm sorry, it is not a thing to say, but I don't see any better prospect for you."

Mulan shook her head. He didn't understand, or he didn't want to understand. It was so frustrating.

"Don't you understand? I would never change! I'll never be the ideal daughter-in-law or wife. I would continue to reply to what you say to me. I would remain stubborn to the point of saw me. I'm impulsive, I'm clumsy... I was like that when I was under your orders, and I will be as clumsy as a wife. It wasn't an act."

"I know that!" Shang answered in the same frustrated voice. "You're listing the reasons that made me fall in love with Ping!"

Mulan had been ready to argue more, but his words stopped her in her tracks. She certainly wasn't expecting that one.

"In love... with Ping?" she repeated, taken aback.

"Is that so surprising?" Shang smiled for the second time in the conversation. It was a beautiful smile where sadness and derision were mixed.

"Why?"

"I know, right? Sorry, I can't explain it myself. It should be absurd to say it out loud, but it's the truth. I don't know, maybe I fell in love because Ping was someone sincere, brave, curious, and intelligent. Yes, he was also impulsive and clumsy, but I was sure the army would cure him from these defaults. It's easy when there's so much potential. I hoped that true friendship would arise between us once we were equal in rank. I even hoped for more."

Mulan nodded. She already knew some men loved each other. She had been in the army, she had heard... and seen things that a woman was never supposed to hear and see, perhaps even after marriage. More than one soldier had made serious propositions to Mulan. Her friends had taken it upon themselves to clarify that Ping was not interested. As for their captain, well, she had heard some soldiers describe in very unpoetic terms what they thought of his muscles and his ass. She always blushed when she heard things like that and had trouble hiding the fact that her gaze sometimes lingered a little too long on the handsome captain. The entire army thought Ping had a thing for the captain. Most of the soldiers didn't care, except to make her blush more. What a fool she had been. She was so busy hiding both her nature and her attraction that she didn't realise that the latter was mutual.

"I betrayed your trust. In more ways than one."

"And I was blind, for which I blamed you, Mulan. You made a fool of me in front of my men, but the worst part was realising I had fallen for a lie."

The blow was painful, but she deserved that. Mulan lowered her head in shame.

"When the Emperor's advisor called for my execution..."

She couldn't finish her sentence. The memory of that moment was too painful. For Shang too, no doubt, because he turned his head away.

"I approved at first, but only a moment. I was so angry, but it went away when you explained you did it for your father. Then I thought how much I wished someone had taken my father's place, that he would still be alive. If your father had come as his duty demanded, mine would still be dead, and our corpses would be rotting on the mountain while the Huns destroyed the Imperial City. China, and I owed you too many lives, Mulan. And I still loved Ping too much to do him any harm."

"Despite what he did to you."

"Exactly. But the anger wasn't totally gone. It took a while to get rid of it. Only during the assault on the palace did I realise Mulan was as sincere, brave, and thick-headed as Ping. You may have fooled me, but I let myself be fooled. Never had I thought a woman could do something crazy like yours. Your main fault may be insubordination, but mine is pride. I was too proud, and you taught me a little humility. I fear that a woman has taught me a necessary lesson, and I thank her for that. Today, I am a better man because of her. At least, I hope so."

He was. Shang would never have been so fragile and honest in front of her in the past, whether she was Ping or Mulan. Now that she was wiser, she saw he had faults, just like she did. Before, she admired him too much to see them. He had pushed them too fast and too far, for their own good, to ensure that they survived the first assault, but it wasn't the all story. He had wanted to prove that he deserved his rank, that he was a worthy son. His behaviour betrayed his apprehension and wounded pride at being assigned to train peasants, while others reaped the glory he felt he deserved.

Mulan took the time to look him in the eyes and held his gaze in return. He had changed, yes. The pride was still there, but now it was the pride of having survived and deserved his rank. His posture was still proud, but she saw less anger in his eyes and more reflection. The change suited him. Captain Li Shang was a stone statue, cold and lifeless. The Shang in front of her was much more alive and human. This Shang, she could love, not just admire physically and intellectually from afar.

Mulan felt a pang in his heart. What did he see in her eyes in return? Mulan was afraid to hear the answer. She heard what he was saying, but it was harder to believe him than to listen to the harsh things her mirror whispered to her.

"Would you have married Ping?", she asked, her voice trembling.

"Even the Emperor himself could not marry a man. But I would have liked to stay by his side. I still want it. Ping or Mulan, I believe you are still the same person."

Mulan jumped to her feet.

"I need to walk and think. Alone. Please."

Shang stood up and bowed before sitting back down in the same place. He was more patient than she could have ever be.

Mulan walked in circles, far enough to not feel obliged to talk to him, but close enough to observe him. She could see the anxiety on his face. He had never displayed his feelings like that before. Mulan could see that every time she refused him or asked him to motivate his ask, she hurt him more and more, but the words he wanted to hear didn't come out. Strange how she had been more courageous against the Huns than against Shang.

She was in love with him. Did it make it worse, or better? Probably the former. But she knew she loved him. Her heart raced whenever she saw him, and his rare smiles put her in a trance. Shang hadn't smiled a lot today, especially since she refused him the first time. He rarely smiled when he was nervous. Suddenly she realised Shang could keep few secrets from her. She could understand each change in his expression, as she did with her mother and father.

They were very much alike. Both were overcompensating to hide their weaknesses. Both had fathers who were or had been soldiers, a model they could never reach. Maybe that was why he hadn't identified her as a woman more quickly. He recognised himself in Ping. And where others had seen her as a runt, a moron, or a weakling, he had tried to push her to improve and prove herself worthy of this legacy. He had pushed her too hard and too fast. Mulan had almost burned her wings before finding in her the strength and discipline that he wanted her to learn. She owed him a lot. And he said she had forced him to question his views. Both had changed for the better. Mulan was stronger, her awkwardness largely gone. He had learned humility and was a better man and soldier than he ever was.

If they had helped each other change for the better and if she loved it, didn't it make sense to just say yes? Sometimes he had confided in her when Mulan pretended to be Ping. It was easy to understand him and to talk to him. Mulan tried to imagine her as his wife. The apprehension returned, with her friend the nausea, like thousands of stones piling up on his stomach.

Mulan knew why she felt that bad, thinking about marriage. She had to talk to Shang now before she lost courage. She owed him that.

When she returned, he was doing practice moves. Mulan would have liked to join him. She missed training with the guys, this easy camaraderie she had discovered with them. She had never been that comfortable in the company of women, even if it was still awkward, with her hiding her true sex.

"I am sorry, for I cannot say yes to you, Li Shang. I cannot be your wife."

Shang closed his eyes, defeated.

"I will accept your answer and I will not ask your father," he promised. "But can't I know why?"

She opened her mouth, but again she could not find her words. Shang looked at her, then motioned for her to join him. Mulan hesitated only for a moment, then joined him. Her skirt didn't make it easy for her, but the reflexes he ingrained in her were still there. After a few minutes of practice, she could already breathe easier. The repetitive gestures soothed her more than sewing had ever done. As she circled around Shang to land a blow on him, she found words were easier to find.

"I left home to save my father. Maybe I also wanted to prove that I could bring something other than dishonour to my family."

"You did it."

"But wasn't the cost too high? I no longer know who I am anymore. You all make it sound so simple, like Mulan hid behind Ping's mask. But for me, it is much more complex."

Shang grabbed her arm and knocked her to the ground. Mulan let him believe he had her and took him down with her, then jumped back to her feet. Both panting, they took a moment to catch their breath.

"Explain it to me, then. I will listen."

There was curiosity in his eyes, but no judgment. Mulan hoped he could understand. Mulan gave free rein to her frustration and attacked with all she had, pouring out everything she had in her heart on Shang.

"I was never good enough as a girl," she said between two blows. "My parents love me with all their hearts, but the fact remains that I have always been too loud, too clumsy, too everything a girl should not be. It made them sad, and they worried about me. I tried my best for years and never succeeded and I had to accept I would be nothing but a disgrace that no other family would ever accept. They had no sons and to compensate, they only had me, which didn't compensate for anything. Then I became Ping."

"And everything was easier."

Mulan tried to punch him in the face. Shang stopped her at the last second.

"No, it wasn't! Your manly world is as difficult to walk in as the women's world. And do not even think the difference is the violence! Both are violent and unforgivable, just in different ways. In the end, you need to be perfect in both worlds. Except for being the prettiest and the nicest, you have to be the strongest, the loudest, the most brawling, the biggest talker... Don't you ever tire of all these demands?"

Shang took a step back to consider her words. Mulan used the pause to catch her breath and gather her thoughts.

"Sometimes I am," the captain admitted.

A small, apologetic laugh escaped Mulan.

"I think I pity you as much as I envy you. I know I am tired of never being enough, neither as a man nor as a woman, of always being too much or not enough. There are days when I miss being Ping. There are days when I feel more like a Mulan. Days when I want to run and scream and hit things, others when I'm comfortable in a dress and I yearn for calm and serenity, far from your thundering world. And there are days when I don't even know who I am. Or what I am. I liked being a man. A man always is more freedom than any woman. But I'd hate being a man all the time, with all those expectations. And I don't dislike being a woman. Like I said. It's complicated."

Shang fell heavily to the ground, out of breath. Mulan did the same, but he unexpectedly pulled her closer and hugged her. She froze for a second. If anyone saw them, they would be married that day to avoid dishonour to both their families. Doesn't matter that he only held her and didn't touch her or kiss her. After the shock, she decided it was nice and the tears that had threatened to come out while they spoke were gone.

"The other day I had to go pick up your friends at the tavern. They were drinking in our honour and saying to everyone you were the most incredible woman in China. When I got there, they were ready to fight some other soldiers who were making fun of them for following a woman and wearing dresses. Your friend Yao may not remember it, given the amount of alcohol he drank, but he didn't hesitate to proclaim that he found dresses to be quite comfortable."

Yao said that? Yao, the King of the Mountain who displayed his virility so ostentatiously? Mulan was speechless.

"I'll have to tell him I can lend him some makeup, but he'll have to shave his moustache first."

"No, you won't, and that's an order from your captain. I prefer not to see what lies beneath."

They laughed together like two friends catching up. It was nice. Mulan wanted this moment to last forever, but she needed to finish, however reluctant she was.

"How could I get married without knowing who I am? Shang, I cannot be your wife! I would like to say yes, but when I think of myself, stuck in your house, or anyone's house, keeping everything nice and clean, taking care of the children while my husband is away... No. I can't do it. I can't be that person all the time. I don't know what I am in the end, man or woman. How can I say… I feel both and neither stuck between two extremes in a world that does not let us find the middle ground. I've been a terrible soldier. Don't tell me otherwise. I had my moments, but I wasn't great. But I'd also be a terrible wife. So what am I? I don't know myself, but if you asked me to choose… I couldn't. You don't know how lucky you are to know exactly who you are, because I don't."

Shang nodded. She wasn't sure he understood, but he wasn't mocking her at least. He kept one arm around her. From the corner of her eye, Mulan could see him drawing something with his finger on the ground. She let him do it and waited patiently for his questions. Mulan could wait for him to gather his thoughts. She had carried these questions within her since her return and knew it was a lot to take in.

"My father asked for me, just before he left for the front," Shang said. "Like all soldiers, he knew he could die and wanted to give me some advice about my carer and the woman I would marry someday. He and I were in complete agreement on the subject. My wife had to be calm, gentle, and obedient above all. I also hoped that she would be intelligent enough not to bore me too much while knowing that I could find consolation with a concubine or another soldier. When I made my peace with what I learned about you, I understood that such a wife would bore me to death. I would prefer a thousand times to marry a woman who is too noisy but with ideas of her own."

Mulan smiled. She had always hoped for a husband to think that, knowing she never would meet such a man. Hearing Shang say it was good, but she found it wasn't enough to make the idea of marrying him bearable. Love and respect weren't enough. Was she too hard to satisfy?

Shang moved his leg, revealing his drawing, a representation of the yin and yang. Mulan thought back on the common saying.

"The yin for the woman, the moon, the winter, the silence, and the weak country."

"The yang for the man, the sun, the summer, the word, and the powerful country. My father said I had too much yang in me and that a wife would restore my balance."

With a gesture, he erased the boundary between yin and yang.

"If my wife also has too much yang in her, it seems to me that we would deal with this imbalance as a couple. And if my wife wanted to come on campaigns with her husband and dress as a man whenever she wanted... Well, that would be a thing to discuss between a husband and his wife. No one else would have anything to say. The Emperor saw nothing wrong with it and I will not. And after all, we both know you fight as well in a dress than in a uniform."

Mulan smiled. She saw nothing wrong with it, either. It was the rest of the world that was the problem.

"I think I could do with a husband like that. I wouldn't be exactly a wife or a husband. Would I be either or both? I don't know if there is a word for what I am."

"Partner, I supposed," Shang offered with reverence in his voice. "Which means I would marry both Ping and Mulan? That would be... You can't refuse me now! Not when I could be the happiest of men. Would you be able to do this to me, Fa Mulan or Fa Ping, after everything we've shared?"

Mulan laughed.

"No. I don't think I could."

An enormous weight had just disappeared from her stomach. Yes, she felt neither truly a woman nor quite a man. Maybe she was in an unstable balance and one day she would have to accept being only yin or only yang. But maybe she could find her place and happiness precisely in this precarious balance. But as long as Shang accepted her as she was, it didn't matter. If she could be a wife without being a prisoner of a rigid house and principles, without being forced into a dress, if she could have from her husband the respect he would give to any man, Mulan could be happy. With Shang, she wouldn't be quite Ping, nor quite Mulan, but she would be herself. And that was all she had ever wanted.

Her heart was so full it could explode. She clutched Shang's hand to thank him and got up. She felt very light and couldn't stop smiling. He couldn't either and they just stood there, leaning against each other, listening to their hearts beat in unison. Mulan was the first to pull back, still smiling.

"Now, captain, don't you have a question to ask my father? I'm going to end up believing that you don't dare talk to him."

"He's a hero of China!" Shang choked. "I spent my childhood admiring his exploits. No one can blame me for being a little intimidated in his presence!"

"I am a heroine of China and you don't seem to lose your means that much in my presence. You did just convince me to marry me, so get on with it!"

She pushed him toward the house and ran, her feet lighter than ever. Shang's laughter followed her, then she felt him running just behind her, reaching out to catch up with her. If they were covered in mud and dishevelled on the doorstep, no one dared to ask them why. It was a relief, for Mulan couldn't have given her parents an appropriate answer.