Fragments of Us
Part 1
Notes: This piece begins immediately after the last chapter of "That Night Beneath the Moon" and ends at the beginning of the second chapter of "While You Were Gone."
I had not intended to write out the bullet points I had for Kaya and Suoh's relationship, but the Day 6: Break-up prompt for Rare Pair Week 2024 gave me the excuse to do it.
May, 1975
Kaya felt her leave.
Sitting in the back corner of a tiny noodle shop she had never been to and would never visit again, Kaya nursed a bowl of basic ramen. Her eyes a bit red, her posture tired, she didn't look much different than the other two patrons there to heal their Saturday morning hangovers. The lone waitress moved between them silently, refilling their mugs and offering a consoling smile if they could lift their heads enough to look at her.
The feeling wasn't what she had been expecting. Last night, laying awake and spooned around Setsuna for the brief period when she'd fallen asleep, Kaya had run through scenarios for when The Gate would close with Setsuna permanently on the other side of it. Then Setsuna had woken up and rolled over. As Kaya was pulled in closer, she let those thoughts go. She'd landed on what she thought was her answer, and there was no reason to spend their last few hours dwelling on it.
When it finally did happen, she was surprised that it didn't hold the violent edge she had imagined. Instead of a deafening blow or a metaphorical blade through her gut, she was given a cross breeze blowing through an empty space. Behind her closed eyes, that cool breeze stirred up the misty color of Setsuna's soul and gathered the dark glitter that Kaya associated with the twinkle of her humor. The breeze kept going in a torturously slow manner, the colors of Setsuna's soul rolling along with it until that part of her soul had been lifted away through a window Kaya couldn't see.
Even though the color had dimmed with the distance, Setsuna's presence was still there. As was the immediate need to have returned what had been taken so far away.
The sting in her eyes annoyed her. She squeezed them closed even tighter and gave her head a hard shake. She was not going to do this any more. She had cried more in the last 24 hours than this situation deserved. She had, after all, known with full disclosure what the consequences of her actions would be. And because she knew, she had a plan. It was a bit dusty, but it was still a plan. As long as she stuck to it, she would be fine.
Catching the waitress' attention as she glided by, Kaya sat up straighter and squared her shoulders. "Do you, by chance, have any empty boxes I could take with me?"
Turned out she only needed one box. Kaya wasn't sure why that surprised her. Of course Setsuna was going to take her things with her. Though she could admit that, in a small corner at the back of her mind, she thought this brilliant, magical being would leave behind such mundane things as photos and notes and her favorite pair of slippers.
"That was foolish. You know her better than that," she chided herself as she placed a photo album into the box.
Setsuna taking her mug did surprise her, though. One corner of her mouth turned up at the little note left behind with Setsuna's. She tucked it carefully inside the mug, then began wrapping it in a sheet of bubble wrap.
"If I have to go to the grocery store to buy them," she whispered through her smirk, "they are, by definition, groceries."
That amused smirk faded as the mug was placed in the box beside a few envelopes of loose pictures and notes from their medallion mission. The walkie- talkie went in with it, the crystal that had powered it noticeably missing. Next were a few books that felt more like Setsuna's than hers, some random knick knacks from trips they had taken… and that left just one last thing.
Kaya's hand came up and lightly gripped the pendant around her neck. She had worn it every day for the last two and a half years. It had become so familiar that the weight of it was invisible against her skin. Gritting her teeth harder than she realized, she reached behind her neck and undid the clasp.
For several moments, she held it in her hand and stared at the two tiny starbursts hanging together in the polished black stone. The silver setting reflected the light of her lamp as the chain pooled between her fingers.
"Don't worry," she said as she gently placed it back in its black velvet box. "I'm always going to keep you with me. But if I'm going to keep my promise, I need to put you away for awhile."
She laid a kiss on her fingertips, then pressed it to the pendent before closing the box.
The box was closed up, taped tightly shut, and placed in the back corner of her closet. Kaya dusted her hands against her shorts and gave a quick nod before flicking off the light. Door closed firmly behind her, she mentally checked off the next box on her mental plan. She needed to move forward. Only forward.
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July, 1975
Ignoring the hushed voices behind her, Kaya turned another page and continued the search for the best way to tie her medical ethics and genetics projects together. She didn't blame the library attendant for being bored. It was late on a Friday afternoon, and most of the student body had already started their weekend. People had better places to be than here. The young woman had to be here regardless, though, and if her giggles were any indication, her boyfriend was keeping her entertained.
Kaya sighed and highlighted a line in her notebook.
"Damn, Ishida, do you ever go home?"
The amused voice right behind her ear made her jump and drop her highlighter. Her chair bobbled, and two hands landed on her shoulders to steady her.
"Christ, Suoh, why do you always… wait…" Her ire turned to surprise as her head tilted backward to look up into laughing blue eyes. His dark hair was still just a bit too long, and in the two years since he'd graduated he had picked up a scruffy, close cut beard and mustache. But it was definitely him, infuriating grin and all. "What are you doing here?"
He let go of her after making sure she wasn't going to tip backwards, gave her ponytail a little tug, then dropped into the chair beside her. "Have a temp job starting in Hamamatsu next week. Thought I'd stop on my way through this weekend and visit some friends."
"At the library?" returned Kaya, her brain still trying to catch up with the reality of the man sitting next to her.
"You count. Sort of." Suoh chuckled, then shrugged. "And I can't get a hold of anyone else." He leaned forward to see what she'd been studying so hard, then shook his head in playful disapproval. "You don't change. Hey, let's get your 'roommate' and go out."
Kaya looked down and started shuffling around her papers. "She… isn't around anymore. Left a few months ago."
"Oh." It was said softly, that one syllable holding a multitude of things. There was subtle surprise beneath an implied 'I'm sorry,' both layered between a hint of curiosity that seemed to ask if being frenemies with benefits might be back on the table. "Okay, well, it's still Friday and it's getting late. Pack all this up and let's go do something. Maybe we can find some of the old manga club guys. I know a few of them are still around."
She was shaking her head, but the words coming out of her mouth didn't match the action. "Yeah. Yeah, okay, why not?"
Suoh smiled, an annoyingly thousand watt grin Kaya never would have thought she'd be so happy to see again.
As it turned out, Suoh had actually spent a good bit of time living out of the back of his Isuzu. Kaya still didn't think that should be part of a legitimate life plan, but it seemed to suit him.
She had him leave the truck in her building's parking garage so they could go walking around campus before heading into town. As they peeked into some of his old haunts, Kaya began to get the impression he didn't entirely grasp how long two years with no communication had been for everyone else. While he had been roaming around the country, bouncing between jobs and trying to figure out how to turn some of his artwork into a steady income, most of his old friends had moved on to careers and marriages.
She was still here, though, and that was enough for now.
They laughed over dinner as Suoh told big fish tales and tried to convert her to the reboot of Frontier Revelations. She pointed her pizza slice at him and insisted the only version worth the time was the original, and even then only the first half because after the invasion arc it had lost any of the little focus it had to begin with. Suoh, highly offended by this, expressed his displeasure through lewd pictures doodled on his napkin.
Kaya's blush and barely hidden grin as she chided him only encouraged him to draw more.
She lost track of time after that. He draped his arm casually over her shoulders as they walked, and she let him lead her to a little hole-in-the-wall place with a scratchy jukebox playing and a tired looking pool table at the far end of the room. Suoh didn't recognize anyone there, but everyone sitting at the bar was greeted like an old friend. He bought the first round of drinks and pulled her over to the pool table, putting a showy flare into his shots to cover for the fact neither of them was any good at the game.
Three beers later, with Kaya past her limit and feeling it, they were dancing to that staticy record as if they were the only two there. Her mind was pleasantly fuzzy, her cheeks pink and her smile wide as Suoh held her hand and kept her a half an arm's length in front of him. She didn't think he was as fuzzy as she was, so he didn't have that as an excuse for the awkward way his hips swayed counter to his arms. His eyes held a certain gleam, though, as if he was confident he was the sexiest thing in the room. And his crooked smile held an invitation.
He was leaving the first move to her.
Trying to match his movements and keep time with the music, Kaya closed that half-arm length. She rested her arms on his shoulders, her fingers clasping loosely at the back of his neck and tickling the edge of his hair. Suoh's hands moved to hold her hips, and she let him tug her the last little bit to close the space between them.
Their easy pace slowed down even more, and his fingers slipped along the inside waist of her shorts.
It surprised her how much she didn't mind. It was… kind of nice. She rested her head against his chest, listened to his heart. It wasn't quite the right beat, but this warm, temporary haze felt good after months of everything feeling cold and hollow. His fingers teased her shirt hem up just enough so he could feel skin, the tips of his fingers drawing little circles that were a soft contrast to the roughness of his jeans against her legs. His breath against her ear was a seductively lulling sound.
Kaya tilted her head and looked up at him. His eyes were darker, and he was still waiting for her. Because he really did know her.
She stopped moving and stood up on tip toe, reaching for his lips. He didn't hesitate at all, his kiss firm, his tongue parting her lips, almost fighting with hers as the arm he had around her waist pulled her up to him and held her in place. He tasted like cheap beer and salty pretzels, and when he stopped to take a breath, he didn't loosen his grip. She could feel his heart pounding, and he was here, and he was real, and he could still get that spark in her belly to flare up no matter how much that might vex her.
"I hate your beard," she breathed out, though those were not the words she intended even if she had been thinking them.
Suoh chuckled. "I'll shave it in the morning." He tilted his head toward the exit. "Your place?"
Kaya nodded, refusing to think about this any harder.
It was such an odd feeling. The heat of him burning so brightly right there beside her, but some thing that kept it from fully reaching her.
The arousal part of it was easy. He was a handsome man, and when he focused his attention on you, it was complete. The sex had always been good with him, and as they stood in the elevator, the feel of his lips brushing her neck and his hand beneath her shirt rubbing lightly along her spine brought a familiar anticipation that bloomed in her stomach and tingled along her skin.
But there was something missing in that anticipation. No pull as she got closer to her door. No warmth wrapping around her s…
Kaya shook her head, startling Suoh. He pulled back and looked at her askance, but she didn't give the question a chance to fully form. Her arms were around his neck and her lips against his before either of them had a chance to second guess anything.
The elevator dinged, the doors opening to a thankfully empty hallway. He chuckled as she pulled him by his t-shirt to her apartment and again as he tickled her sides, making her jump and almost drop her keys.
"Damn it, Suoh," she muttered as she got the door open, though there was no consternation in it. Rather, there was an affection, she mused for the second it took for the door to close behind them.
His shirt came off faster than his shoes, Kaya pulling it over his head and tossing it aside. She managed to get one shoe off before she was up against the wall, Suoh's weight holding her in place as his nimble fingers worked at the buttons on her shirt. Her shirt fell to her feet, and she wrapped her arms around his neck as his tongue traced a languid line along her collarbone until his lips found that divot at the base of her throat.
Kaya tightened her grip on him, the sound she made desperate to her own ears. One leg bent up, trying to wrap over his hip. She needed him closer. That had to be it, had to be why she couldn't feel him.
And he was going too slow.
He was teasing the strap of her bra down her shoulder as his lips sucked at that spot at the base of her neck. Rather than waiting for him, she reached behind her back with one hand and tried to undo her bra, the movement awkward and taking his attention from his task.
Kaya growled in frustration at both not being able to pop the hooks and Suoh's confused frown as he stopped. She reached for his zipper, because he was losing focus. She needed him to focus.
"Kaya…"
She ignored him, quickly unhooking his belt and tugging roughly on the button of his jeans.
"Kaya, stop!"
"Why?" she asked almost angrily. "Don't pretend you don't want this."
Suoh's hand came up to rest against her cheek, his thumb carefully wiping at the tears that had begun falling down it. "Because I don't think you really want it."
The surprise at her own tears was fleeting, and she bit out, "It doesn't matter."
"Christ, Kaya," breathed out Suoh as he took a step back from her. "Of course it matters."
"No, it doesn't!" Kaya crossed her arms tightly over her chest and turned toward the livingroom. She took several steps before his hand landed lightly on her shoulder, and she whirled on him. "Don't you get it! What I want didn't matter! Neither of us ever mattered!"
Suoh's arms dropped and hung at his sides, and he took a slow breath.
That just seemed to pull every last bit of Kaya's anger out. She threw her arms up and moved fully into the livingroom, stopping in front of the balcony door and staring hard out into the night. "It just never mattered, did it? She did everything you wanted. Everything! She didn't have to go. She did everything she was ever asked to, and she would have kept doing it no matter where she was. She could have done it from here! She could have! So fuck you! Fuck you, and all of your rules for her, and all of your demands that won't let her have her life! She could have stayed!"
Her tears were hot against her face, and she could feel them now. Just like she could feel her body shaking. And then Suoh was there behind her, gently draping her shirt back over her shoulders. Very slowly, he wrapped his arms around her from behind to hold her up as she yelled out her anger to the moon.
The morning sun was bright as it flowed in through the balcony door along with the smell of Suoh's cigarette. Kaya rubbed at her eyes as she sat up in bed, embarrassment immediately washing over her. She pulled her knees up to her chest, her day-old clothes twisted uncomfortably after a restless night. Her bra felt like it was on backwards, and all she wanted was to climb into a hot tub and stay there all weekend.
But that left Suoh on her balcony, and after how he'd made sure she didn't fling herself off of it in raging despair last night, she couldn't just ignore him.
She sighed at her own dramatics, then fished around for her glasses before pulling herself out of bed.
Sitting at the little table in his t-shirt and boxers, Suoh gave her a half smile when he saw her come out. She returned it, then went and leaned on the balcony. A moment later, after stubbing out his cigarette in one of her juice glasses, Suoh joined her.
He waited for a few beats to see if she would say anything, but when she didn't, "So… what happened?"
"She had family obligations." It was an easy half truth, one Kaya had settled on when Kimiko asked the same question.
"Any chance she comes back?"
Kaya shook her head and said simply, "No."
"Okay then." He stood up and stretched his arms out in front of him. "I'm going to go get cleaned up and then let's get some breakfast. Do you know the only food in your kitchen is half a box of frozen waffles and a dusty pack of instant ramen? How are you not dead?"
Kaya smirked. "Hey. I have access to the best chicken cutlet boxes in town."
Suoh snorted, then started walking into the apartment. He stopped at the door and turned to look back at her. "By the way, your neighbor and her blunted broomstick stopped over to check on you. I'd appreciate it if you could let her know you're okay and that I'm not an abusive bastard."
She couldn't help laughing at that. "I will." Kaya walked over and laid her forehead against his back. Quietly, she said, "Thanks, Suoh. For last night."
He moved so he could put an arm around her shoulders. "No problem." He started moving them inside. "Let's get going. I'm starving."
Kaya nodded. Forward. Just a few more steps forward.
.
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January, 1976
"Happy New Year and Happy New Apartment! Here's something for the walls so they aren't as bare and depressing as the last ones were."
The little caricature that was Suoh's signature on the note stuck its tongue out at her as it winked. Kaya laughed and shook her head.
The small painting was a pretty winter sunset scene. A large stone lantern stood on three arching legs beside a barren, snow-covered tree, a tiny bit of warm light coming from it. Behind it was a frozen pond, and further in the distance were village lights just beginning to light in the evening sky. Near the bank of the pond was a small stone pillar, possibly a seat, with a red book atop it, a ribboned bookmark hanging from the center.
"By the way, I got a possible lead on a show for later this year. I'll tell you about it when I come through."
"You're going to need a tie," she said softly, then grinned, knowing how much he was going to hate that.
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June, 1976
Kaya sat at one end of the couch and leafed through Suoh's sketchbook while he sat at the other and filled her in on art show updates. The details changed each time he passed through, much like his jobs, but he spoke like this was all the normal way of doing things.
"So he's only got room for two pieces now, but it should still be a good opportunity for some contacts. And if I can sell either one, even better. Just need to get the second one started."
Smiling at a drawing of a tiny bird all puffed out and bathing itself in a puddle, Kaya offered, "You know, my father…"
With a hard frown, he cut her off. "No. I don't need my girlfriend's father buying my way for me."
One of Kaya's eyebrows arched up. "Girlfriend?"
"Well, yeah." He shrugged. "This is pretty much how we did it last time."
Kaya closed the sketch book. "No, it's not. We have sex once in awhile when you're in town. That's not dating."
"Sure it is." He sighed and hung his head. "Okay, it's not normal dating."
"It's not dating at all." Kaya pushed her glasses up and crossed her arms loosely over her chest. Then she chuckled, surprising both of them. "But we aren't really normal, are we?"
A big grin nearly split his face in two.
She chucked a pillow at him, ignored his laughter, and went back to his sketchbook. "You still need a tie."
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December, 1976
"Stop fidgeting with it so much." Kaya gave Suoh a reassuring smile as she reached up to straighten his tie. His poor necktie was the easiest target for his nervousness tonight, but he looked good and was presenting the right impression. Standing on tiptoe, she whispered quickly in his ear, "You're doing great."
And he was. There was a lot of good chatter over this new artist. Granted, it hadn't led to a sale yet. She had a plan for that, though. One of the paintings had a particularly happy, bright feeling to it. It would make a wonderful, anonymous donation to the children's ward at the hospital. She was going to have her agent wait until the end of the night, of course. See if someone else would buy it and give him further reach. It would give him a good boost, otherwise.
Suoh returned her smile, noticeably relaxing at the sound of her voice.
She looped her arm through his, then looked around the room. Her eyes settled on a slightly bored looking man in an obviously custom tailored suit. The woman beside him was in considerably better spirits, sipping on champagne that sparkled almost as much as the diamonds on her jewelry while she had an energetic conversation with the couple with them.
"C'mon."
She pulled him over to the group, and after some polite compliments to break the ice, Kaya pulled back and let Suoh's naturally social personality take over.
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March, 1977
Kaya waited for Suoh's release, then moved off of him, falling onto her back entirely spent. Eyes closed, limbs pleasantly heavy, and already half asleep, she listened as he tried to pull the trash basket closer to the bed.
"Tie it this time," she mumbled. He always forgot to do that.
She heard him snort, presumably amused, which meant he hadn't tied it. Hopefully his aim was good, because she wasn't taking care of it herself this time. That thought made her smirk, the humor top quality to the tingly haze of her mind, and she wondered if he could see it in the dark.
The mattress shifted, but he didn't lay down. Kaya could feel him propped up on his elbow beside her.
"Let's get married."
She huffed. "It's the 70's. We can do this without being married."
"I'm serious."
Kaya opened one eye and peered up at him. She could barely see him in the dark, but the intensity of his gaze was like a physical thing. Slowly, she sat up, words entirely escaping her. This was not a bullet point on her revised life plan.
As if he could read her mind, Suoh went on, "You're about to start clinicals. Tokyo is still the goal for both of us, and you've got the connections to get the residency you want regardless of how random it's supposed to be. It will be a whole lot easier to get an apartment there if we're married, and I know there's a husband and kids somewhere on that stupidly detailed life plan of yours."
Sitting up, Kaya held up a hand to get him to slow down. "Hold on, Suoh. Just, wait a minute." Then she scrubbed that hand over her face, feeling the confusion that had scrunched up her features. After a few moments, she let out a deep breath and looked at him. "Marriage is a really big deal."
Suoh laughed. "It is? Really?"
She smacked his chest. "Idiot."
Still smiling, he threw back, "Genius," in the same tone.
Kaya chewed on her lip, turning the idea over with far more seriousness than the logical part of her brain liked. Of course, the logical part of her brain never did like Suoh. He was a force it couldn't reconcile, all big dreams and crazy ideas and whims that looked like a baggie of Scrabble tiles next to her clearly laid out plans. To the rest of her, though, he was light. Warm and bright, and when it was focused on her, it made her the center of his world. He made her not alone.
And Goddess help her, she did love him.
"You do make a good argument, Mizuno," she said after a few long beats of silence.
"Of course I do," he answered. "And face it, Ishida, you're never going to get a better offer."
She smirked, then laid on a hand on his cheek.
He turned and kissed her palm. "So when do you want the wedding?"
"I don't want a wedding." The speed in which she said it caught him off guard. Suoh tilted his head, and she answered the silent question with, "I just don't want the hassle. Besides, who would we invite? My dad will agree but he's going to hate it, and the only other person I have on my side is Kimiko. And your parents…"
Suoh grabbed his pillows and piled them against the headboard to lean against. He held his arm so Kaya could sit and lean against his side, then picked up her sentence. "My parents think I'm wasting my life and am going to leave them drifting with nothing in their old age. They'll be thrilled when they find out I'm marrying a doctor. They'd invite the entire damn city."
Kaya smiled up at him. "I'm glad I can help you out with your status there. But I still don't want a wedding."
"So you wanna elope?" When Kaya nodded, he laughed long and hard. "Damn. I swear I didn't think you could surprise me anymore. But there you go."
That got her to chuckle. She rested her hand against his chest and played her fingertips through the hair there. Thinking she perhaps wasn't done surprising him, she went on, "You know if we get married, you're going to have to familiarize yourself with my life plan. And since you brought it up first - three children, 18 months apart. And we're going to have to get started on that bullet point, because the first one is penciled in for July next year."
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October, 1977
She really did not have time to listen to him grumble about getting ready for this appointment. And since he insisted on going into this venture without any more of her help and none of her money, he was going to have to suck it up and follow some business world norms. Besides, they had some other business to take care of tonight, and she needed both of them in the right mood for it.
Kaya finished buttoning her blouse and tucked it into her skirt, then put on as sweet a smile as she could before turning to him. "It's not that bad," she said, trying to sound at least a little sympathetic as she reached up to fix his tie and straighten his shirt.
"Yes, it is," he returned, his feet fidgeting because his fingers couldn't. "The lender already knows what our work looks like, and they have the written plans."
"You're welcome," she grinned.
Suoh's freshly shaven cheeks pinked up. "Anyway, I don't get why we need such a formal meeting just to get money to buy some studio space."
"Because this is how business works," answered Kaya. "They want to get to know you and your partner, and to feel reassured that they'll get their money back. Jeans and flip flops don't say 'I can pay my bills.' A tie and jacket does. Besides," her voice dropped an octave and she ran a finger lightly along his jaw, "you look very handsome when you get dressed up."
One corner of Suoh's mouth turned up and his arms wrapped loosely around Kaya's waist. "You think so?"
"I do." She giggled. "You haven't looked at the calendar, have you?"
"Of course I have. You circled this meeting date in red, like, five times."
One of Kaya's eyebrows rose to accentuate an almost wolfish grin. "That's not why I circled the date."
Suoh's eyebrows knitted in confusion. Then the light went on behind his eyes. "Oh. OH!"
Kaya laughed and stepped away from him. They both needed to be on time this morning. "Just be ready when I get home tonight. But maybe keep on the tie."
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September, 1978 - Part 1
Kaya hated this. She hated how her back hurt and how hard it was to walk up stairs. She hated that her breasts were out of proportion and leaky, that she was tired all the time, and that every question took three beats longer to answer because of the brain fog. She hated the unsolicited comments, the entirely unhelpful advice from books written by men who framed mothers as paragons of womanhood, and that her mother wasn't here to make it all better. She hated that it had taken longer than planned to get pregnant and that her current due date was throwing off her entire schedule. And with only a week left to go, she was still waiting for the magic and miracle part to kick in, because the odds of it ever showing up were diminishing by the second.
"Your frown is so sharp right now it could cut paper."
Without really meaning to, Kaya turned that frown on Suoh.
Sitting at the opposite end of the couch with her swollen ankles in his lap, he continued to rub her feet, unfazed. "It's only one week, Kaya."
She fidgeted, trying to get the pillows under her back positioned better. "It's one week I could be doing rounds. I'm already getting enough crap for having to miss four weeks after she's born. I didn't need another added to it. And besides, it's a hospital. I'd be going there anyway once I'm in labor. It may as well just start there."
"You're on a neuro rotation."
"I can take an elevator." Kaya closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry." She cracked one eye open and gave him a sheepish grin, then wiggled her toes. "I love you for rubbing my awful, swollen, grotesque feet."
He smiled back at her. "I've got something that will make you love me even more."
Suoh reached down beside the couch and fished around in his satchel for a minute, then came up with a dog-eared manuscript. The typewriter text on the front was a beautiful, familiar purple font, and Kaya's eyes lit up as he dangled the fanzine for her to see.
Her excitement quickly turned to consternation as her swollen belly refused to cooperate enough to let her sit up the way she wanted to no matter how much shimmying and rocking she did. Throwing out any pride she may have had left, Kaya resorted to holding out her arms and making grabby hands at the zine. "Gimme."
Suoh let out a hearty laugh as he handed the zine to her. "And this is why you're now on maternity leave."
Kaya ignored his amusement and opened the zine, willing to forget the unfairness of it all for just a little while.
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September, 1978 - Part 2
It was… just after one am? Kaya squinted at the polar bear clock on Ami's dresser. Yes, one am. She shifted the tiny baby in her arms and adjusted the rhythm of their rocking chair. With two weeks behind them, Kaya felt like they were finally settling into a routine. Except over the last two days, Ami had become extremely fussy, and she couldn't figure out why.
"What are you trying to tell me?"
The whispered question turned the unhappy mewling into a real cry.
Feeling as unhappy and helpless as her daughter, Kaya stood and started pacing the room. She moved Ami onto her shoulder, hoping that being upright might solve part of the problem. She patted the baby's back gently as they walked in front of the window. She had successfully handled infants smaller and far more fragile than her own healthy daughter and never once felt so lost as she did now. And for all the advice other women had wanted to give, once Ami was here, the most sage thing anyone would say was 'you'll figure it out, mother's always know.'
Except she didn't. The cries all sounded the same, the diaper didn't always feel wet, and she was feeling more than a little guilt for the edge of stir craziness at not having anyone but a newborn to interact with all day.
Ami seemed to settle a little at the change in position, though she was still agitated.
Through the split in the curtains, a pale yellow beam of street light shone in, and when Kaya glanced outside, she could see the half moon hanging in the starry sky. She paused, a tired frown on her face. "I was told once that you always have answers. I could use a few right now."
A light knock on the doorframe startled her, the slight jump sending Ami back into a crying fit. Kaya hung her head, about ready to start crying herself.
"Sorry, sorry," said Suoh, contriteness in the way he cringed. He walked into the room and held up a warmed bottle. "Here, see if this helps."
Kaya shook her head. "I just fed her an hour ago, and I'm not going to stick a bottle in her mouth every time she cries."
"It doesn't have to be every time," returned Suoh, his voice low in deference to the late hour. "Just try it this time. See if she's still hungry."
"She's tiny," argued Kaya. "For her weight, the book says two ounces every two hours."
She could hear Suoh's smirk more than she could see it. "I thought the books were BS."
"They are."
Kaya did appreciate that Suoh didn't laugh at her for that.
He reached for Ami and tucked her into his arm with an ease that was enviable. "You are so very tiny, aren't you my sweet girl. But you're trying to get bigger and need some help with that." He offered her the bottle, and after a moment of hesitation, she took it and began to suckle. Her body relaxed and her fists flexed in contentment. Suoh cooed at her a minute more, then kissed the top of her head. "Now be good for your mama. She's trying really hard."
Kaya sighed as Ami and the bottle were handed back to her. "Thanks, Suoh."
He leaned in and kissed Kaya's forehead. "No problem. I'm going to go see if I can get some sleep. Holler if you need anything." He turned to go, but paused in the doorway. "Oh, in case I forget later, I'm going to be late tomorrow night. Kozu and I have some extra things to deal with at the studio. To start getting ready for us moving in the spring."
"Okay. Good luck with sleep." Kaya gave him a rueful smile that he returned before heading back to their bedroom.
Kaya moved back to the rocker and resumed the gentle, slow pace from earlier in the evening. "Your papa just seems to know, doesn't he? My mom always knew, too. I'm sorry it's taking me longer to figure this out, but I promise I will."
Ami's fist wrapped around Kaya's finger, like she was saying, 'It's okay, mama, I know you will.'