Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Hideaki Anno, Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo is property of Yoshio Sawai, this is a non-profit fan-made parody.
I have no idea why I did this, but I had fun. I hope you like it.
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A Cruel Nose Hair Thesis
The missiles crashed against the Angel's AT-Field, and the resulting shockwaves sent rocks flying all over the place. Next to the phone booth, which had already been crushed by a previous shockwave, Shinji could only crouch in fear as a large boulder was about to fall right on his head.
He wished he could return to that morning, when his father's letter had been the worst thing to ever happen to him.
But destiny had other plans, for a black whip came out of nowhere and hit the boulder, somehow with enough strength to cut it cleanly in half. The two pieces fell harmlessly in front of Shinji.
"Are you alright, kiddo?" a voice asked.
Shinji stood up and turned around, wondering who could wield a whip with such skill.
It wasn't a whip. It was an extremely long hair coming out of the right nostril of a tall man.
"Wha-wha-wha-WHAT?" Shinji yelled as his eyes bulged out of their sockets.
The man was ridiculously muscular from the waist up, which contrasted with his weirdly thin legs. His shoulders were as big and round as his yellow afro, and he wore a blue shirt and black pants, as well as sunglasses.
"You ought to be more careful in this weather," the man said, his nosehair retreating and disappearing inside his nostril. Then, he pulled out an umbrella out of nowhere and opened it. "It's raining cats and dogs in here!"
More boulders came flying, but they just bounced off the umbrella. Shinji noticed that they now had the shape of cats and dogs, for no apparent reason.
"Bu… but…" that was all the boy could say, for the questions were piling up inside his mind and blocking his thought process. One of those questions was if he was hallucinating, or if he had died and gone to a really surreal Hell.
"We should get out of here," the man tossed the umbrella aside.
"But… but…" Shinji managed to choose one question. "Who are you?"
The man's sunglasses shone, reflecting a random sunray, and Shinji could've sworn that he heard a sound effect when that happened.
"My name is Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo!" he declared, striking a pose that seemed more appropriate for a shonen manga. "But you can call me Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo! As the last heir of the True Fist of the Nose Hair, I am here to ensure the freedom of fringes and peace of pigtails!"
Floating kanji appeared behind the man. It said APPLAUD NOW
But, before Shinji could even consider if he should clap or run away, or run away while clapping; a blue car came into the scene, tires screeching against the asphalt as it stopped right next to them.
"Oh!" Shinji said. "That must be Miss Misato! She told me she would pick me here!" He ran to the car as the door opened. "Miss Misat–"
In the driver's seat there was a spiky orange ball, with cartoony legs and arms, and also a face. It wore a long purple wig, and visibly fake eyelashes, and lipstick. A lot of lipstick.
And it winked at him.
"M-m-m-m-mi-mimimimi…" Shinji's face went pale as his eyes once again bulged out of their sockets. "Miss Misato, is that you?"
"Oh, no no no no!" said the orange ball, badly mimicking a woman's voice. "I'm Don Patch, and I'm the new female face of the show! I will take care of all the fanservice and I'll get the best fanart!" Don Patch puckered up his lips, and they became as big as his whole body. "Now gimme a kiss, Shinji-kuuuuuuuuuuun!"
Luckily for him –and for us, let's be honest– Bobobo pulled a big wooden hammer out of his afro and hit Don Patch right in the face, sending him and the car flying. They crashed against the Angel's AT-Field and they both exploded.
"Don't mind him, Shinji. He's always been annoying."
"Wait, how do you know my name?"
No time for questions, though; for at that moment a second car appeared, identical to the first. It even arrived in the same noisy fashion. This time, however, Misato was at the wheel when the door opened.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I've finally found you! We have to get out of here before who is that man?"
"Don't worry, Misato, he's a friend. … I think. His name is Bobobo-bo Bo-b–"
"You can just call me Bobobo," he said as his sunglasses shone and made that sound effect again.
"That's not what you told m–"
"No time now, Shinji! Let's get in the car! The nice lady will drive us out of here!"
Misato had no time to protest, and just watched as Bobobo somehow managed to fit in the passenger's seat, hunched and with his knees almost touching the ceiling. She shot a questioning look at Shinji when he took the copilot's seat; but he just replied with a shrug and a look of utter confusion.
She shook her head, deciding to sort it out later, and just drove off. Alas, it seemed fate was against them, for right when they were about to reach the edge of the abandoned city, the car stopped.
"Oh, come on!" Misato snarled, turning the keys again. "What's wrong?"
Behind them, more missiles exploded around the Angel, none of them managing to cause any damage.
"This isn't good!" Misato said. "Once they see that conventional weapons are ineffective, they might resort to N2 mines, and we're too close!"
"Worry not," Bobobo said. "I shall use a special technique that will revitalize this vehicle!"
Misato and Shinji turned their heads, and watched as Bobobo clapped his hands together. They gasped when his body was soon surrounded by a yellow aura, one that seemed to hum with pure, raw power. Soon, the afro man yelled:
"Technique of the True Fist of the Nose Hair: Horsepower Restitution!"
As soon as he said those words, the car's bonnet jolted open, and six reindeer in motorcycles emerged from the engine. They were organized in two rows of three, and all of them were connected to the car by ropes.
"Those aren't horses!"
"Is that what shocks you the most, Miss Misato?!"
Meanwhile, Bobobo, who had somehow teleported outside, was now sitting on the car's ceiling. He had replaced his blue shirt and black pants with a Santa Claus costume, fake beard included.
"Ho ho ho!" he said. "Go forth, my trusty steeds!"
Thus, the reindeer in their motorcycles towed the car out of the city, away from the Angel and onwards towards Tokyo-3.
Inside, Misato was seriously considering quitting alcohol.
"Shinji, where did you find this guy?"
Misato had hoped that, once they reached the Headquarters, they could give Bobobo the slip. After all, any civilian would get lost in that maze of corridors, rooms and elevators.
Sadly, Misato would too, and now they were wandering around, with Bobobo still attached. He now dressed in a schoolgirl outfit, and he cried about ghosts while also making references to horror videogames far too old for Shinji to get.
Eventually, Misato had to admit that her orientation skills were terrible and called her friend, Doctor Akagi, for help. Through the phone, the kind doctor guided them to an elevator and instructed them to go down, saying that she would meet with them on the way. The waiting wasn't too bad, because Bobobo, back in his regular clothes, opened his afro and took out some cold soda for both Misato and Shinji. He kept insisting that they the dengaku-flavored one, though.
After a while, the door opened, and Ritsuko Akagi stepped in.
I mean, Don Patch stepped in, wearing a blonde wig and a labcoat that was too big for him.
"WhattheHell?" Misato jumped back at the sight. Shinji, however, just averted his eyes as he let out a weak groan of annoyance.
"You're too uncouth, Misato!" Don Patch scolded her, waving a finger, again speaking in a fake female voice. "Watch your language when there are kids around! Here at Nerv we are very professional! And learn the layout of Headquarters while you're at it! Oh, don't worry, Shinji-kun. Now that the brilliant and beautiful Doctor Don Patch is here, you will be under the watchful eye of a responsible adult and–"
And he couldn't say anything else, because Bobobo kicked him right between the eyes and send him flying into the corridor. The gates of the elevator closed, and they continued to go downwards.
"But…" Misato was hiding behind Shinji. "But… that thing… what was…"
"Don't bother, Miss Misato," Shinji sighed. "I think it's better if we just go along with it."
The doors opened one more time, and the real Doctor Akagi stepped in. Misato was so relieved that she wrapped her old friend into a hug, much to the scientist's confusion.
Nobody questioned why she was wearing a swimming suit under the labcoat.
"So this is the civilian you mentioned," Ritsuko said, looking at Bobobo from head to toe. "We are grateful for your help, mister, but you can't be here. I have to ask you to leave."
"I can't," he declared. "My nose hair can feel the presence of evil inside this building, and it's my duty to put a stop to it."
"Nose hair?" Ritsuko tilted her head, frowning in equal parts confusion and disgust. "Look, whatever it is you're playing, do it somewhere else. This area is for authorized personnel only."
"No problem!" Bobobo smiled as he pointed to a name tag that had appeared in his shirt.
The tag said ´HELLO, MY NAME IS ARTHUR RICE P. ERSONNEL"
A collective groan filled the elevator.
"Have it your way," Ritsuko said. "It doesn't matter. As soon as MAGI detects you're here, security will be contacted to escort you out."
At last, they arrived at their destination. When the doors opened, Doctor Akagi invited Bobobo to go first, not without mischief, as she no doubt expected that her threat would come to pass.
Instead, they heard a computerized voice through the speakers:
"Hello, Arthur Rice P. Ersonnel. Welcome."
"It's okay, Rits," Misato said, putting a hand on the shoulder of her befuddled friend. "Just go with it. It's easier."
Bobobo, now super-deformed like a cartoon character, was spinning a plate on his nose, with a goofy grin on his face.
"So you only called me here to pilot this thing?" Shinji said, yelling at his father above, avoiding the lifeless stare of Unit-01.
"That's right," was Gendo's reply, as cold as the Eva itself. He had chosen to ignore the man with the yellow afro, who was busy picking his nose with a pinky finger.
The whole room trembled, and the noise of a faraway explosion could be heard.
"He has found us," Gendo said. "Shinji, either pilot the Eva or go home! I have no other use for you here!"
A dead silence filled the cage. Even the technicians stopped, waiting for the kid's reply. Misato shot a begging stare at Ritsuko, but found no compassion in her friend. Under the eyes of his father, who oversaw the whole scene like a cruel director or perhaps even a god; Shinji felt himself crumbling under everyone else's expectations.
"I won't pilot it," he said, his arms trembling in a mixture of rage and fear. "I will never pilot it!"
"It's alright, Shinji! You can pilot me instead!"
Bobobo was a robot. Don't know how, don't know when, he had transformed into a gigantic, mechanical version of himself. Submerged in the same red liquid as Unit-01, only his head was visible.
All eyes bulged out of their sockets, even Misato's and Ritsuko's. A perfectly coordinated WHAT shook the whole room, so loud and long and it drowned out the sound of another explosion.
"When did that happen?" yelled a technician.
"How did that happen?" asked another
"There's not enough space to fit in there!"
"Who would build a robot with sunglasses?"
"Just what is this guy?"
"No need to panic!" Bobobo's voice reverberated in the cage. "This is just a technique of the True Fist of the Nose Hair: Incarnation of Bobobozinger Z!"
"That's from another series!"
Ignoring the complaints, a door opened in the afro of yellow steel, releasing a curtain of white steam. Shinji watched as a mechanical stair appeared on the side of the head, inviting him to board.
"Come on, Shinji!" said Bobobo. "Hop in!"
"No!" Gendo's voice thundered. "Only the Evangelion can defeat the Angels! I will not allow an unauthorized robot to use our installations! Do not let him take off! And you, Shinji! Pilot Unit-01!"
But his son didn't answer. He just glared at him for a few seconds, and then averted his gaze again. Just a weak defiance, a silent tantrum of a kid.
"As you wish," Gendo huffed, and he opened a new comm. channel. "Fuyutsuki, wake up Rei. She will pilot Unit-01."
"Are you sure, Ikari? She is wounded."
"But she isn't dead."
Soon, a gurney was wheeled in, with an IV drip still attached. It carried a girl, dressed in blood-stained bandages, immobile like a statue, with her eyes staring at the ceiling, unblinking, yet looking at nowhere in particular.
It was Don Patch in a blue wig.
Bobobo didn't have to do anything this time. Misato herself kicked Don Patch off the stretcher and began to beat the shit out of him, tired as she was of his shenanigans.
"I will pilot," a voice cut through the scene. Shinji had lifted up his head, and his fist weren't trembling.
Gendo smirked.
"Not Unit-01!" Shinji was quick to add. "I will pilot Bobobo, because I trust him to protect us all! And to spite you!"
Seeing the smirk disappear from his father's lips was one of the most satisfying experiences of his life. Before anyone could try and stop him, he ran into Bobobo's afro, and the opening close quickly after him. Inside, Shinji found a pilot seat surrounded by levers, buttons and screens; just the type of cockpit one would find in a classic mecha anime.
"What do I do?" Shinji asked, sitting down.
"Just push the big orange button by your left."
Shinji did as instructed.
A small door opened and presented him with a cake. The message 'You're a good kid' was spelled in the frosting. Also, a mechanical hand descended from above and gave him headpats.
"Oh… um… thanks?"
Meanwhile, back in the Eva cage…
"Close off all the catapults!" Gendo ordered. "That robot is not getting out of here!"
Bobobo's arms rose from the water and stretched forwards, like Superman about to fly.
Guess what happened.
The whole GeoFront trembled as Bobobo just shot himself upwards, piercing through the many layers of Headquarters as if they were made of paper. It didn't take him long to reach the surface, where he stood tall among the buildings, but not before dusting off the earth and rocks that had stuck to his chassis.
Sachiel, the Third Angel, was waiting for them.
Inside the cockpit, Shinji set the cake aside, with care, and held onto what he assumed were the main control levers.
"I'm ready, Mister Bobobo," he said.
"Very well!" the robot struck a pose. "I will deploy the ultimate weapon, the Sword of Fiery Determination and Unavoidable Victory!" The left shoulder opened, and a handle of steel came out. "Now, Shinji! Take the sword and bring light into the darkness!"
Shinji pulled from the levers, putting his hopes, his courage, his very soul into it. The enormous right hand of Bobobot close around the handle and, in a single and mighty swing, drew the Sword of Fiery Determination and Unavoidable Victory.
It was a white flag attached to a pole.
"We surrender, Mister Angel!" Bobobo said.
"IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL UNAVOIDABLE VICTORY?!" Shinji and Misato yelled, in perfect unison, the former from the cockpit and the latter from the Command Center.
Sachiel didn't react.
"Oh," Bobobo shrugged. "I guess he can't understand our language." He threw the white flag away. "Well, it was worth a shot."
"Mister Bobobo!" Shinji said. "You need to take this seriously! Do you have any other weapon?"
"I do. The Twin Cannons of Num and Sola; but I swore to my master that I would never use them, they're too dangerous!"
"We don't have any other choice!"
"In that case, prepare yourself, Shinji! The recoil is gonna be dangerous!"
"This better not be another white flag!"
"I can 100% assure that it won't be a white flag."
Bobobo stretched his arms. The hands retracted and were replaced by the muzzles of two enormous cannons. Aiming at the Angel, Shinji took a deep breath and pressed the buttons as he yelled:
"Twin Cannons of Num and Sola! Fire!"
The cannons shot potatoes, tomatoes and eggplants at the Angel. Naturally, they splattered harmlessly against the AT-Field.
In the Command Center, Ritsuko facepalmed.
"Ugh… Num and Sola. Solanum. Now I get it."
"I don't."
"It's the genus of plants that contains all those vegetables, Misato."
"I think the eggplant and the tomato are fruits."
"Oh, shut up."
Going back to the surface…
Sachiel, deciding that he'd had enough, attacked the Bobobot with one of its eye blasts, engulfing him in a cross-shaped explosion. When the smoke cleared, the robot had vanished. All that remained was a crater, and in the center was Bobobo, back in human form, protecting Shinji with his body.
"Are you okay?" the afro warrior asked, covered in bruises, dust and small burns.
"Yes," Shinji coughed. "I'm not even gonna ask how."
"Dammit!" Bobobo punched the ground. "The Angel can resist the most powerful weapons of Bobobozinger!"
"Those weren't even weapons!"
The ground trembled when the Sachiel took a step towards them. Bobobo stood up and faced the approaching colossi, extending his arms in yet another attempt to protect Shinji. But what could he do against such a gargantuan monster?
"Mister Bobobo, look!" Shinji pointed at the middle of the street.
There, in the Angel's way, Don Patch was playing with a wooden doll, unaware of the danger or just ignoring it. He sang while trying to feed the toy with a bottle, as if it was a real baby.
So Sachiel stepped on it.
The Angel stopped its advance. There was silence.
Sachiel raised its foot. Don Patch was now embedded on the asphalt, face-down. His many spikes had pierced Sachiel's sole skin… which now was losing air like a balloon.
Shinji's jaw fell to the ground, and so did Misato's and Ritsuko's and everyone else's in the Command Center, when they saw the Angel literally deflating until he was no bigger than Bobobo himself. It even made the sound of a whoopy cushion and everything.
"Well done, Don Patch!" the afro warrior said. "Now that he's on our level, my techniques will be more effective! Let's finish this!"
And he ran towards Sachiel, who seemed quite confused by the recent turn of events. Bobobo's body was once again surrounded by the golden aura, and a long whip-like hair unfurled from each nostril.
"Ultimate Technique of the True Fist of the Nose Hair: Divine Punishment of the Nasal Dragon!"
His nose hairs cut through Sachiel's AT-Field and slashed its core.
They also hit Don Patch.
The Angel didn't have time to fall to the ground before exploding into a cross-shaped column of heat and energy,
Don Patch exploded into an energy column shaped like a leek.
After recovering from the initial shock, and then from the secondary and third shock, for it had been a very long day; Shinji stood up and approached Bobobo. Side by side, they watched the last flames of the Angel's demise.
Bobobo offered Shinji a stick, and soon they were roasting s'mores together.
In the darkness of his office, Gendo entertained his favorite pose as he stared into the infinite. On his desk, the reports of the battle. Minimal infrastructural damage to the city. Zero casualties. The hole in the Geofront would be relatively cheap to fix. The so-called Bobobo had managed to avoid all vital parts of Headquarters while tunneling his way to the surface. All in all, a favorable result, in a monetary sense. And yet, Gendo was not pleased.
"The True Fist of the Nose Hair," he said. "I thought all practitioners of that accursed martial art had disappeared after Second Impact."
"Indeed," Fuyutsuki said. "After all, the Hair Kingdom sunk completely under the waves during the cataclysm."
"Our first priority is the acquisition and control of Bobobo. Nerv must remain necessary at the eyes of the public, so we should make him our new weapon against the Angels."
"Do you think it wise, Ikari?"
"He seems to have developed a bond with my son," Gendo pushed his glasses up. "We shall make use of that, while at the same time keeping the Third Child around, just in case. The Second Child and Unit-02 will be delivered just as scheduled. The Evas, and the pilots to an extent, must remain within the parameters of the Scenario. Bobobo is just an added bonus, to make things easier."
"Will you be able to dispose of him when he's no longer required?"
"Do you doubt me, professor?" Gendo smirked. "We have been planning this for more than a decade. I won't let anything jeopardize it. Not the old men, not my son, not even the last survivor of the Hair Kingdom."
"Good. Now, why don't you eat something?"
A plate of jelly cubes was left in front of Gendo. He turned his head and realized that Fuyutsuki had never been there, just a weird man made of blue jelly, wearing the sub-commander's uniform.
Gendo called security, and they beat the shit out of Tokoro Tennosuke.
End
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AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I've been re-watching Bobobo recently and I just felt the urge to write this short, silly thing. I don't know if it's possible to replicate the show's humor in text form, but it was worth a shot.
Thanks for reading, I hope you had fun :)