A/N: Hello friends, hang in there, I will get Kate out of this all alive and mostly well. For those still sticking around, this chapter is a bit of fluff and a time jump, so I kind of apologize in advance. Just like in real life... I'm avoiding the break-up until I absolutely have to deal with it. Turns out dissecting the inner thoughts of Kate, Josh, and Rick when Rick finally goes to see her is a beast! But I'm tackling it, one bite at a time. Until then, enjoy, ;)
Chapter 7
Another day, another battle with relentless pain. Kate wasn't sure which was worse, the boredom that was starting to sink in or the how little she could shift without the pain overmatching what little comfort she could glean. All the other times she had been shot or injured on the job hadn't required such long stays in the hospital; they hadn't required intensive heart surgery either. So here she sat, or laid most of the time, a solid twelve days since her shooting. She also hated how little progress she seemed to have made. Sure, she could sit upright on her own, and stand assisted. She had beaten the pneumonia down to just a slight tingle in her lungs solved by one nebulizer treatment a day. These highlights had earned her an upgrade out of the ICU and into a regular room a few days ago. Her care team's new goals were to have her walk across the room, raise her left arm up without gasping in pain, and eat more than just soup. Her goal was to be out of the hospital as soon as possible. These didn't always align.
Kate's battle with the corticosteroid she turned out to be allergic to and the pained yells she had involuntarily let escape back in the ICU had earned her the loss of the PCA. Part of her deal in the move to a regular room was that she couldn't be in charge of her own pain management anymore. She hadn't wanted to use the PCA at all - as had been predicted by Jim when it had first been hooked up- and despite it being a bit unconventional, it was now gone completely. She managed through a significantly lower concentration - a less harsh combination with things like acetaminophen mixed in- but still a steady drip of pain meds. Progress. She liked the less intense spikes and dips, battling the morphine spiral was exhausting and had felt so unproductive. However, each time she tried to grit through the pain, the nurses insisted on a slightly drug induced rest, the only way they had found to get Kate to actually slow down. She had just woken up from one such nap, post afternoon PT, to Lanie greeting her with a smile and a to-go bag from Remy's.
Instead of a hello, Kate blurted out, "Has Castle been by at all?," startling even herself. Her voice was still croaky and weak, both from the damage and the little use it had throughout her stay.
It seemed like a simple question, but I wasn't actually sure if he had been by at all. I had a vague recollection of Castle's face hemmed with worry, but I couldn't place it. Short flashes of it at the cemetery, here at the hospital, in bed next to me. I also saw his longer tousled hair on a motorcycle, but I knew that couldn't be true at all. There were snippets next to my desk at the precinct, soundless pleas as my vision tunneled red through incredible pain. What made it worse was that I was starting to see Josh's face in the same scenes. So many flashes from so many different directions, I really didn't know what to think anymore. I wanted Castle here, in a way that clearly overrode even greeting my best friend. His voice still floats through my perception, professing his love, but still at that same low faint volume. What would I even say to him if he did show up?
Lanie, a bit startled by Kate's question, answered with a distracted, "Yes", as she retrieved a styrofoam container of chicken soup and a plastic spoon from the bag. Not Kate's favorite, but she wasn't exactly at milkshake and burger levels of eating yet. Even though Kate's visitors had been limited per her own personal instructions, it had still been a revolving door that Lanie surmised had been too hard to keep track of. Lanie unwrapped her usual veggie wrap and sent Kate a sympathetic look as she settled into the chair beside Kate's bed. "Yeah, he's stopped by more than once."
Shit. More than once? Which of the whirlwind snippets of his anxious face here at the hospital were real? What have I said or done to him?
Kate bit her lip in silent contemplation to hide her private panic as she rode the slow ascension of her bed into a sitting position.
Swallowing her bite as Kate began to fiddle with her spoon, eyes staring blanking through the steam coming off her soup, Lanie piped up, "He saved your life, you know."
'Huh?" Lanie's voice had only slightly pulled Kate out of her spiraling thoughts.
"He saved your life." Lanie repeated between bites. She hadn't eaten yet today and was uncharacteristically ravaging her wrap.
"Josh? Yeah….yeah I knew that. He told me." Kate's inattentive pauses between sentences indicated she hadn't actually been listening.
Josh? Why had I suddenly thought of him? I had asked about Castle….. was this some kind of slip? When Josh wasn't working, he was hanging out here with me. He's shown up to some of my PT sessions, for late night coffee, and although he wasn't my doctor on record - for obvious reasons - he had been consulting with Dr. Kovacs on my recovery. Just last night he had walked me through how he had stitched up my vein when I first came in. How he had alerted Kovacs to more bleeding that led to the heart and lung damage. I would have died right then and there if he hadn't been involved. I know I should be grateful for him, and I am. But I'm still something back.
"No honey", disdain dripped thick through the friendly caring Lanie always held for Kate. Clearly Dr. Jerk - Lanie's secret name for him - had already gotten to Kate, attempting to convince her of his own heroism. Lanie would have to tread through this carefully. "Once you got to the hospital, sure, Josh was involved, but…" She paused, shaking her head. "Castle tackled you at the funeral."
That made one of the images of Castle's anxious face leaning frantically over me make a little more sense. I couldn't stop the flood gates anymore. All of the little moments with him came cascading over me. Everything Josh had told me, every semi-lucid moment from the past two weeks was suddenly shrouded in that stinging haze that accompanies opening one's eyes underwater. I wanted Castle here. I knew he could pull me out from this deluge. Why wasn't he here?
Kate squeezed her eyes shut, an intense mix of layered emotions that Lanie found difficult to read. She continued anyways, "If he hadn't tackled you, the bullet would not have ricocheted off your sternum."
After a painful swallow, Kate clenched desperately onto any coherent thought in the chaos. "Josh saved my life," a strained whisper that held the faintest hint of doubt.
I knew that wasn't true. Truth does more than just sting. It gores and stabs until it leaves one raw and bleeding out on the floor. I had already been dissected enough; the truth didn't need to keep digging. A small, vain thought tried to hide behind the vulnerability by clinging to Josh's amazing looks, the magic of the motorcycle rides, the ecstatic evenings that chased the nightmares away for both of us. But I knew. None of those sublime saccharine days could last. Love, much like truth, thrives best in darkness.
"Kate? Are you listening to yourself?" Lanie was measuring her words carefully. The last thing she wanted was to create more stress for her best friend.
Kate didn't even perceive Lanie's question, her mind oscillating dangerously between a handsome yet arrogant man she knew she had to break up with, and a slow but steady partner who had confessed his love.
Too much. This is all too much. Too much confinement. Too much out of my control. I'm too tethered. IV's and heart monitors. Oxygen cannula on my nose and coursing pain when I move. I can't even lift my arm, damn it. How am I ever going to carry a gun? Run down a suspect? How am I ever going to be Detective Katherine Beckett - indomitable, intimidating, intriguing - ever again?
How am I going to break up with the man who saved my life?
How can I look Castle in the eye after all of this?
"I'm not going to call you out when you are in this state, but I want to make sure you see. See what's right in front of you." Lanie could tell she was hitting something tender, but couldn't tell if it was working yet.
I do see! It all clicked into place quite suddenly actually. The far off echo of Castle's 'I love you' roared close, connecting to the previously soundless movements of his face leaning over me in the grass.
"I do," Kate's strained whisper was only a touch stronger. She blinked back the moisture forming in the corners of her eyes.
I know Castle loves me. I've known about it for a while now, I just haven't been eager enough to jump in. What I don't know is if I'm ready to love him back. He fell in love with the woman I once was. But that woman is gone. She bled out on the grass. Her heart stopped momentarily and she has a chunk of lung missing. The woman he fell in love with would take a long time to come back. If she ever did.
Lanie could tell her prodding hit the mark based on Kate's tears. Feeling guilty, she reached over to hold Kate's hand, "I'm sorry."
"What for?" Kate sniffled around the oxygen cannula, using her free hand to wipe the lone tear that managed to slip past her defenses.
"For making you cry over this."
"I needed to hear it."
It's like when everything is on the murder board, and I'm sure who did it and why, but I need to process the steps to finish it off. I know I need to break up with Josh. I know I need to take time to myself to sort through my injuries. I know I need to talk to Castle at some point. But right now? Right now I'm still tethered, breathless when I move too fast and not allowed to get my heart rate up just in case I tear the delicate stitches again.
"What are you going to do about it?" Lanie was earnest, handing Kate tissues from the table in front of her. Kate's soup had definitely gone cold by now, but it could wait.
"I don't know." Kate meant it. She really didn't know. "I have to break up with Josh. But it's hard Lanie….." Kate hated the whine her voice had picked up. "He did do some amazing things to save my life…here… and he makes me feel so taken care of."
"But?" Lanie needled, preserving the momentum.
"But…I don't know if I can handle Castle right now." Kate provided a little shrug, followed by a wince as her rib cage broadcasted her limitations.
I need to rebuild myself first. Learn to love the severely wounded version of me I was now confronted with. Curl up in the dark, lick my wounds and rise up when I am fully healed. Fully content and ready to face the harsh world again. I certainly couldn't have Castle in the way for any of that.
"Then don't." Lanie leaned back in her chair and continued her way through her wrap. "Eat your soup and think about it." Lanie hated treating her best friend like a child. "Castle tackled you. Saved your life. I know he's annoying, but he wouldn't have done any of this if he didn't love you."
"Lanie I know. I see it now too." Kate had managed to pull the tray table closer without sloshing the now cold soup too much. She fished out some soggy vegetables as she continued, "I'm just….I know what I need to do… I just need the time and space to do it." She fished around trying to find any warmth that might remain in the denser pieces.
Lanie kept munching, recognizing that she had finally gotten to Kate, holding only a little regret that she had pushed a bit too hard.
Now she just hoped that Castle had it in him to stop by before Josh had another run at her.
The cafe had a nostalgic retro feel to it that made Rick's heart flutter. He half imagined that at any moment the waitresses would bustle by in those classic tight blue plaid dresses and lace aprons, straight out of the 50's. The squeaky worn vinyl that sagged from generations of butts, the formica table with the sharp metal edge that stored the same generations worth of sanitized crumbs; it could have been a movie set. The sharp ringing of someone's cell phone knocked the atmospheric charm back into the current decade. This wasn't his usual haunt, but he could get used to this. A gentle rain falling outside provided a dreary backdrop to this Sunday afternoon, more of a "Nighthawks" vibe than a "Mayberry". A small understanding of the appeal of this place, this day pulled the corner of his mouth into a smile. He ordered two black coffees to start, if Jim was anything like his daughter, he would appreciate the gesture.
Chivalry wasn't dead, Rick made sure of that, standing as Jim approached the table just a few minutes later. Rick aimed his hand forward for a courteous shake, but Jim leaned in for a hug instead, smelling faintly of slightly damp leather and Old Spice. He looked like he needed the hug, his cheeks too sunken, the bags under his eyes dark and deep. Fourteen days since his only daughter- the last thread holding his life together - nearly lost her own. Sunday afternoon late lunch was his tradition with her, and last week's had been intensely lonely by himself. The one before that had been skipped due to a funeral. He was grateful when Rick had asked him for a chat to fill this week's slot. He needed the connection.
As they both settled into their respective sides of the booth, memories of previous serious conversations between the two men flooded the mood.
"So…. how has she been?" Rick broke the quiet first, hoping his voice didn't reveal his gnawing anxiety.
"You haven't seen her?" Jim cocked his head over his steaming cup, halfway to his lips.
"Not in a few days. No." The regret was palpable over Rick's face and demeanor.
Jim simply placed his mug down, letting the silence ask the question he couldn't quite voice.
"Every time I do, something awful happens." Jim painfully pictured the scenes as Rick outlined the various times he tried to access the frustrating yet amazing woman he loved. There were the torn stitches and internal bleeding shortly after her surgery- Jim had been there for that one - and the disgusting crash that occurred when she had succumbed to pneumonia - a vision that haunted Rick's nightmares. Being just a touch superstitious, he was afraid the third time would be the worst. Not that her luck could get any worse, but he didn't want to push it. She deserved better than that.
Jim of all people, understood the caution. But he also knew Kate. She had been asking about Rick in the quiet moments, disguising it as trying to fill in the gaps of her memories when she was incapacitated. He could see right through her attempts at lying about her intentions.
The waitress came over to take their orders. If she clocked the mood, she never broke stride. Jim almost ordered a strawberry milkshake for Kate, but remembered that she couldn't do anything that heavy just yet. It would have to wait.
Staring absently at the waitress's back as she left, Rick blurted out the dominant thought that had distracted him since the worst day of his life, "I..uhm… I had told her I loved her."
Jim's only betrayal of the gravity of this news was a widening of his eyes. The lawyer in him knew this kind of confession required silence. It also wasn't necessarily news to him. The depths of Rick's emotions had driven Jim to have their first talk, knowing that Kate would throw herself headfirst into danger. Jim had also seen the smoldering within Rick at the hospital, unsure if she would pull through or not.
He had meant it when he told Rick that he was the best thing that had happened to Kate. He hoped Rick had heard him.
"At the cemetery. I told her I loved her." Rick stared into the depths of his coffee mug, both hands wrapped around the suddenly small ceramic shape. There was a slight emotional shake to his entire being, "I haven't been able to talk to her since. She's such a stone wall."
Jim let out a slow sigh and a subtle shake of his head as Rick continued, "I don't know how she feels. I don't even know if she even heard me.
It was the first time Jim had laughed in two weeks, a small chuckle rippling the surface of his coffee. The two men let the silence soften the space of the moment. "She heard you," Jim's voice was so low, Rick wasn't sure if he had really heard it at first.
Their food arrived and both men eagerly dug into their lunch, grateful for the momentary interruption. As they ate, the conversation stayed superficial - any interesting cases Jim could talk about - any new chapters or developments in Rick's writing, etc. The banality gave both of them time to compose what they thought would be the direction of the conversation that lay ahead.
"How do you know she heard me? Did she say anything?" Rick had just finished wiping the last of the grease off his fingers, dropping his napkin on his clean plate, and providing no further context. The minute the words left his mouth, he wanted to snatch them back. They made him sound more like an overeager pimpled high school date than a mature man checking the depths for his one true love.
Jim took it all in stride. "She keeps asking about you. Whether you have stopped by. What you're doing." Jim wiped a small smidge of ketchup from the corner of his mouth as he stared Rick down.
For a writer, Rick didn't have the words. No matter who he talked to, they all said and saw the same thing. Kate Beckett was into him, she liked him, maybe even felt more than that about him. But, she never said anything. As far as he knew, she was ignoring him and planning to run off with the Dr. Boyfriend who saved her life. The nightmarish collage that decorated the mask as she choked on her own fluids danced over his vision, souring his own stomach against the burger he had just enjoyed, "Every time I visit her something bad happens. I care about her too much… what if her luck runs out?"
Neither man wanted to picture the possibilities.
Jim took a long drink of coffee, now cooled enough to enjoy, "You had originally asked how she's been. She's been good. Amazing actually! Yesterday she was able to get a few steps in, and this morning, she got halfway across her room." Jim took a pause to study Rick's reaction before continuing, "Josh says that she should be able to transfer to less invasive monitoring by the end of the week."
Rick had flinched at the name, adopting a slight bite of jealousy in his voice, "So Josh is still hanging around." As he had surmised the last time he had talked to his mother, Kate wasn't available, no matter how Rick felt about her.
Jim read the subtext, but couldn't disguise the exhaustion of the past two weeks, "Yes and no. I can tell he's making her uncomfortable. Keeps promising the world. Flatters her to high heaven just to get a smile and swoops in to declare his grand heroism." He took a long sip of his coffee, "But she's talked to me about recovery, about what comes next once she's out of the hospital. Not once has she mentioned him."
The glint off the glimmers of hope hidden in Jim's words raised the corners of Rick's lips ever so slightly.
"Yes he's still around. But if I know anything about how Katie deals with things, he won't be for long."
To hide his smile, Rick took another long drag off his coffee. He quickly calculated the appropriate amount of time to figure out when to take his chance. Would it be worth a third trip to see her?
"You should visit again. She would like that." Jim's gaze bored right into Rick's own, carrying a softness that Jim hoped conveyed his intentions. He wanted Rick to stick around, even if Kate wasn't ready yet. He knew his daughter, she often ignored her heart - soft, uncertain and complicated - in favor of the cold objective logic of her head. The wise man in front of him, who had so boldly declared his love for her, knew that too.