Mamoru felt terrible for what he was about to do. However, he couldn't hide how he felt anymore. His feelings were boiling underneath, ready to blow the lid off the pot.
And when they arrived? He didn't know what would happen. All he knew was that he had to tell her. He couldn't live such lies anymore. He had to stop lying to everyone, especially himself. The truth was that he wasn't into her and perhaps not into women at all.
His heart beat rapidly thinking about it as he was on his couch, awaiting her arrival. He wore his usual outfit, consisting of a green overcoat, black sweater, and lavender pants. He moved his sleeve back to look at his watch. He took a breath of relief, knowing he had ten minutes. Knowing how late she usually arrived, it'd be more like fifteen.
He questioned how he, normally confident and calm, arrived at such a nervous breaking point. He knew that it started when his parents died when he was six. From then on, his life took an irregular path full of an inherited apartment, attending Tokyo's finest schools, and questions.
He had questions as far back as he could remember. Some of them were typical of the orphaned child - What were my parents like? Where would I be if they were alive today? - others were not so typical. Dreams of a fiery past, a moon princess, and darkness had plagued him since childhood.
Combined with his introverted personality, he only ever had one friend, Motoki. He never had a girlfriend until Usagi either. It wasn't due to lack of interest. As an adolescent, he was already 1.80 centimetres tall and came from money, making him the love interest of many. He found no reason to accept their advances.
He never had time. After graduating, his life became even more hectic between med school and his secret identity. For months, he was inexplicably tired despite getting a full night's sleep. Then he discovered he was indeed Tuxedo Mask, putting an end to his insomnia, but presenting more questions. Still, he didn't have time to reflect as he had to fight Zoisite and Kunzite for the rainbow crystals. Then he died and lost his memories once again.
Thanks to the help of Sailor Moon and the Makai Tree, he recently regained them. His entire past was clear. Granted, it was before Kunzite kidnapped him, but that was short-lived. For the first time in his life, he could see who he was.
He was Prince Endymion of Earth, in love with Princess Serenity of the Silver Millennium. The reincarnation of Serenity was Usagi Tsukino, a girl who, truthfully, was like a little sister to him.
She was cute, kind, and fun to be around. He knew that since they first met, one of the reasons he found teasing her so amusing. He could see why his past self liked her so much. However, he didn't like her like Endymion did. He realised it after looking Sailor Moon in the eyes after she had saved his life. He felt gratitude but not love.
When he returned home that night, he assumed it was a fleeting feeling. They would soon become destined lovers like in their past lives. However, their first official date was no different. It was even worse because she tried to kiss him, and he instinctively turned away. The girl stormed off after.
In his bed that night, he imagined kissing her. He only felt repulsion. Yes, she was pretty, but she was years younger. Come to think of it, he never felt the need to kiss any woman. Endymion may have had those feelings, but he as Mamoru Chiba did not.
The thoughts had been weighing on him since his last date a week ago. He had been spending time figuring out how to approach the situation. Breaking up with her, just after they regained their memories and she forgave him, was the nuclear option. However, he was not Endymion, and there was no guarantee he would develop those feelings if he hadn't already.
Everything was much more complicated than when he was a mostly solitary child, making his own way through the world. He now had to worry about Usagi and her friends, particularly the fiery Rei and forceful Makoto, who would reign hell on him for breaking up with her.
All in all, it was a tough call, but he knew what he had to do. It wasn't only for himself but also Usagi. She didn't deserve to live through his uncertain feelings, so he told himself.
So there he was, sitting on the sofa as he ruminated and waited. To think that those childhood nightmares, ones his therapist chalked up to being an overactive imagination, would become a tedious reality. He was always waiting for something, but was this what he wanted?
He supposed he never had a choice. His destiny was determined before he was born. Then his parents' inheritance and connections ensured he would go onto the medical field, so he was in med school. Did he want to be a doctor? He didn't exactly know.
He was snapped out of his thoughts as the doorbell rang. He proceeded to make his way over to the door, looking out the peephole to see a cheerful Usagi in a pink jacket lightly twiddling her thumbs. He took a deep breath, stepping back a bit to open the door for her.
"Mamo!" she beamed, looking up at him.
He gestured to the inside of his spacious apartment, "Odango, please come in."
She groaned a bit at his pet name for her, but he couldn't help himself. Again, it was funny to see her riled up. He'd enjoy the humorous moment before the conversation took a serious turn.
Usagi looked around, not yet familiarised with his apartment. She had only visited a handful of times, all in the past two weeks. She eventually made her way over to the dark green couch, plopping herself on it clumsily as she looked up at him.
He took a deep breath as he sweated from nerves. He slowly marched forth, gently sitting on the couch. He sat straight with his folded hands positioned over his knees.
"Mamo, why so serious?" she asked, curious eyes beaming at him.
His joined hands slightly shook as he began, "Usako, I have to tell you something."
As if she smelled his worry, she responded, "Is this about me getting mad last time? I'm sorry that I did that."
He shook his head, looking down towards his lap, not wanting to meet her eyes as he did it. "No. It's just…"
He gulped. He knew he had to say it now, so he resumed, "I can't be with you anymore."
From the corner of his eye, he could see her lightly smiling at him as tears began to form. She shook her head and lowered herself down towards him.
"Surely, you don't mean that," she said as her voice cracked.
He turned his head towards her, seeing her teary eyes. "I'm sorry, Usako. I didn't want to."
She straightened her back, eyes no longer meeting his as she looked at the ceiling above. "Then why?"
"I don't have the right feelings."
She shook her head. "That's nonsense, Mamo, and you know it. We're meant to be. It's destiny."
His grip tightened. "But what if it's not?"
In a weak voice, she replied, "You know it is. You saw it. Serenity and Endymion, we have a love from another lifetime."
Feeling a tinge of guilt, he said, "Maybe I didn't get the right feelings then."
She scooted closer, turning towards him. "I think you're just shaken up over what happened. You don't need to be. I'm fine."
He turned his cheek towards her. "I feel what I feel."
Her voice became laced with irritation, "Two weeks ago, you felt something for me. You'll feel like that again soon."
"Because it's destiny?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"I'm not Endymion," he turned towards her, "and you're not Serenity."
She stared at him almost robotically, "We might not entirely be, but those are our memories. It's why we're here."
He was creeped out by the way she phrased that. Didn't she have her own life before becoming Sailor Moon? Did she have her own ambitions and goals? Could he even ask that when he wasn't sure he had his own?
What was he doing anyway? Entering a profession he couldn't care less about while dating a girl he thought of as a sister because of destiny? He thought he solved his questions when he got his memories back, but more kept popping up.
She continued, "Destiny has worked for us so far. Whatever rough patch this is, you'll get over it. I'll be here to help."
Mamoru felt his anger surge at her dismissiveness. He took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes, "And if I don't want to get over it?"
Usagi's teary eyes wavered as she met his eyes as if she were pleading with him. "And why wouldn't you want to get over it? We could go back to the way things were meant to be."
"Why were they meant to be?" he asked, more sharply than he intended.
After seeming a bit shaken by his tone of voice, she said, "Do I need to tell you the story of Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion again?"
No, he didn't need more stories. He needed answers. Not answers to what Endymion wanted. He knew that too well. He needed answers to what he wanted.
He looked at her and responded in a cold tone, "Usako, you should leave."
"Mamo," she went to touch his arm.
He separated his hands, quickly yanking both his arms away. She was taken aback and on the verge of tears. He looked away, not wanting to see what he had done.
"You should leave," he repeated.
She nodded and got up. She made her way to the door, slowly opening it. She cast a glance back at Mamoru, who dared not meet her sad yet determined eyes.
"Whatever you're going through, I know you'll get over it. I'll be waiting for you when you do," she said before the door shut behind her.
The moment he heard the door clink back into place, tears started streaming out of his eyes. Another question had come to him. What on earth was he going to do now?