Chapter 2: Coming Out
Phoebe stood frozen outside the door to Apartment 20. Her fist was clenched, prepared to knock, yet it still hung limp at her side – much as it had for the past twenty minutes.
She was going to have to knock sometime, before Monica or Chandler opened the door and found her standing here awkwardly in the middle of the third floor hallway…. with her girlfriend. She was definitely going to have to knock before Joey came wandering out of Apartment 19 at her back.
She now felt her girlfriend taking her one hand that wasn't clenched into a fist and squeeze it.
"No one says you have to be ready now, you know…"
Smiling at her girlfriend, Phoebe shook her head, twittering out a kind of bitter laugh. "Oh, I'm not…. but now, I have to be." She had been mortified to rise out of such a magical kiss, gaze around at the lovely summer day, only to spy her dear friend gawping at her from across the street.
"Maybe Rachel didn't see you," Phoebe's girlfriend posited, though this sounded weak.
Phoebe shook her head. "She did. She recognized me. She probably recognized you too."
This affair or whatever-it-was had hardly been planned. Phoebe's now significant other had somehow tracked her down at the masseuse parlor where she worked, not long after Phoebe and her friends had arrived home from Chandler and Monica's wedding. Phoebe had clearly remembered her from their last meeting, and though she had been taken aback, she had also been impressed by her now-partner's forwardness… and intrigued.
A date had followed. Then, before either of them knew it, another. And another after that. That third date had ended with the pair of them in Phoebe's apartment, kissing for the first time, a kiss which had then escalated quickly to the couple having sex on her couch.
After that, Phoebe had fallen, and she had fallen fast and hard. It still left her dizzy, to realize how she had fallen in love.
"You're worried they won't accept you." It wasn't a question.
"I don't know…" Phoebe murmured brokenly. A beat, and then she chuckled, even through the threat of tears. "Well, some of them might be happy for me, actually. Ross's first wife left him for a woman. And Chandler…"
"The one who just got married…."
"Yeah, and I'm still convinced he's gay and Monica's just covering for him!" Phoebe shook her head. She didn't really believe that, not exactly, though there would probably never come a time where she knew just what to make of her close friends' marriage, happy and in love though they clearly were.
Phoebe's girlfriend reared up and brushed her lips along her partner's cheek. "Remember: those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
"Wow….. that's so deep…." Phoebe grinned at her lover, impressed.
Her girlfriend wrinkled her nose. "Didn't you read Dr. Seuss as a child?"
Phoebe shook her head. "The only books I had were the few I could swipe from the bookstore without getting caught…"
Her partner leaned against her. "Knock already, Phoebe. I'm right here with you. The worst that could happen is…."
"I know." It hardly bared thinking about.
That Rachel, of all people, had been the first to see was bad enough. After all, it was strangely thanks to Rachel that Phoebe even found herself in this place: happy in a relationship, for the first time in a long time, and yet terrified of what others might think.
Phoebe's fist was now suddenly rapping against the door without her brain telling it to. She panicked for a second, wishing she could take it back, but before she could act on any impulse to grab her girlfriend's hand and flee, the door tore open. There stood the new Mrs. Bing, looking maddeningly casual, her smile warm.
"Hey, Phoebe! What's up?"
Phoebe swallowed and forced her best smile in return. She mentally double-checked to make sure she wasn't holding her girlfriend's hand. "Hey…." She dove in for a hug with Monica, her smile straining. "I, um…. is there room for one more for dinner? If you and Chandler need a night alone, I understand, but…"
"Nonsense!" Monica bubbled. "Everyone's already here!"
Ev….everyone?... Phoebe's thoughts stuttered, even as she crossed the threshold of Apartment 20 in a sort of trance. She vaguely heard her girlfriend and Monica introducing themselves behind her.
The others were gathered around the Bings' kitchen table. Phoebe's eyes went right to Rachel, who met her stare with a smile that she was clearly trying hard to pass off as casual; instead, the grin was in some halfway land between weak and clearly exerted.
"There you are!" Joey lifted his glass, beaming from ear to ear. "Where you been, Pheebs?" He fought to cover up a wince as he felt Monica now emphatically press down on the sole of his foot.
"Oh, just… busy…." Phoebe twittered, pulling up a chair. She was next to Rachel, and now found it more difficult to look at her than it had been but a moment before.
But Rachel was no longer paying attention, rising out of her chair to greet the newcomer. "Well, I'll be darned…. Michelle Warburton!..." And Rachel hugged her old sorority sister whom she had seen just a few weeks before. The embrace was brief and awkward, considering how the two women had last left things, with a kiss goodbye in front of that taxi outside the restaurant. "How…. how are you?"
"I'll be darned?" Phoebe scrunched up her nose, chuckling a little too loudly and a little too long. "Where did she go and honeymoon: Missouri?" She sent a teasing jab of a smirk in Ross's direction, who just frowned indulgently at the reference to his and Rachel's drunken wedding in Vegas.
"Actually, the proper Southern pronunciation would be Missour-a…." Chandler corrected. Monica rolled her eyes.
"I'm sorry, did my husband and my brother suddenly switch bodies?" That was enough to make Chandler flush. Phoebe had to hold in another twittering laugh. She found herself actually starting to relax, lulled into a sense of complacency. Only Michelle's presence, drifting with Rachel to join the table, reminded the masseuse of how deadly serious this get-together might yet prove to be.
"So, um…. Michelle…. What are you doing here?" Rachel kept up an act of playing dumb. "I, um…. didn't think you'd be back so soon…."
"Of course you wouldn't have," Phoebe abruptly snorted with derision. "You damn near scared her off after making out with her at the restaurant."
A tense silence. It was only broken by Joey, who started, gawping at Rachel, gobsmacked.
"You kissed her too?!" he pointed between Rachel and Michelle.
"Too?" Phoebe picked up on. Then she blanched, gazing around from one face to the next. "You know…. Oh God, you all know…." She turned her head on a slow swivel to Rachel. "You told them?!" she cried, stung and betrayed.
Rachel cringed. "Gossip impulse."
"Impulse?" Phoebe cried, leaping out of her chair, with such force that it nearly overturned. "That wasn't your….!" she suddenly stopped. Took a breath. Rachel's wince only deepened.
"Phoebe…. honey…. I didn't mean to walk in on you and…. and Michelle…. on the street." The other blonde flushed.
Phoebe sighed. "I know you didn't…."
"And I also didn't mean to tell the others. I was just…. shocked…."
"You shouldn't have been," Phoebe cut across. "I kissed you, remember?"
"Hold it: you're saying you…. and – and you….?!" Joey was now pointing rapidly between Rachel and Phoebe in stunned amazement, looking exactly as he had when he had first caught on to Monica and Chandler. "…. And I missed it?!"
"It was a three-way date…." Rachel clarified.
"You three had sex?!" Joey yelped, now looking truly left out as his eyes ping-ponged between Phoebe, Rachel and Michelle.
"No!" all three women barked at him. Rachel huffed. "I ran into Michelle – she's an old sorority sister of mine. We… we went out to dinner, and I was telling them this story about when Michelle and I got drunk and kissed during college…."
Joey threw up his hands. "The next time you ladies get caught up in kissing, can one of you do me a favor and let me know?!"
"Michelle didn't remember the story at first, so to prove to her that it happened, I kissed her outside the restaurant. After she left, Phoebe then kissed me, just to see what it would feel like."
"And what did it feel like, Phoebe?" Chandler turned the conversation back to their friend mildly, tone gentle and patient.
Phoebe shrugged. "No offense to Rache, but I've had better." Rachel actually smiled. Phoebe was now wringing her hands. "I've…. I've had…. feelings for women…. before," she ground out, the admission clearly taking effort. She glanced between her best girl friends. "Remember how we all asked each other who we would date, and I picked Rachel?"
"I'm still smarting over that…" Monica muttered dryly.
"Don't be, because it was actually you who helped me come around to facing these… feelings, Monica."
"Me?" Monica twittered, looking and sounding tickled. "How?"
Phoebe flushed. "Let's just say, Chandler is a lucky bastard to have that body in bed…."
After a moment of astonished and dumb blinking from both husband and wife, Chandler softly smiled. "Huh: the breasts of a Greek goddess…."
"Awww…." Monica turned to her husband, beaming, pleased. "Really, sweetie? That's what you think?"
"Oh, I didn't say it!" Chandler denied, even though he just had said it. "Phoebe did, once." Monica swiveled her head to stare at her friend, the beautiful chef's cheeks now turning rosy pink.
"I'm… I'm flattered…." she murmured. Beyond that, she didn't really know what to say.
Phoebe bit her lip, blushing back. "Then there was the time your cousin stayed over once…."
"Cassie?!" Ross spluttered. "You were making eyes at our cousin?! Our cousin?!"
"Oh, please, Ross, so were you!" Rachel and Monica scoffed at the exact same time. Ross's face twisted, fuming and he curled into himself petulantly.
Phoebe now stared around at all her friends. Her gaze landed on Joey, who, except for complaining about not being present for all the girl-on-girl kissing, had been mostly quiet. Ironically, it was the struggling actor's opinion that Phoebe valued the most. How Joey would react scared her more than any judgment the others might render.
"So…. what does this mean?" Joey studied his dear friend.
Phoebe took a deep breath. In the moment, right before she said those words, her heart was racing. Once she said them, there would be no taking them back. No going back. "Well…. I've met someone. A woman." Her face broke into an exhilarated, hopeful, terrified grin. "I want to be with her for the rest of my life!" She sent a loving look towards Michelle, who beamed back.
Chandler and Monica looked at each other. Husband and wife spoke an entire conversation with no words; it was the kind of intimacy that Phoebe envied, and that she hoped to one day have in her own relationship. Chandler now leaned forward, steepling his fingers on the table.
"Pheebs, if you don't mind my asking: does anyone else know?"
"Yeah! Like…. does Ursula?" Joey interrupted.
"No. Not Ursula," Phoebe breathed. "I'm… I'm not sure if I would tell her, of if I'm going to."
Chandler nodded thoughtfully, feeling sad on her behalf. He couldn't imagine having a sibling who didn't understand you, let alone couldn't accept you. "Anyone else?"
Phoebe gulped and nodded. "Just my brother, and Alice," she whispered. "They support me."
Chandler caught her eyes and held them. "That's amazing," he whispered, genuinely happy for her. He swallowed, appearing to get emotional. "My dad…. When he came out…. I…. I didn't speak to him for a couple of years." He stared around at the shocked stares of his friends. His brother-in-law. His wife. "I'm not proud of it," Chandler mumbled. "And my not contacting him wasn't even really about the gay thing. I…. I was more mad at everything that had been…. disrupted…. on the path to my dad coming out. My dad coming out was just the final result of my parents' marriage breaking up. What their divorce did to me as a kid. Why I hate Thanksgiving." He wiped at his eyes, feeling Monica's gentle touch on his arm. "But…. things are getting better now." Turning to Monica, Chandler leaned in and softly kissed her. Monica held the kiss tenderly. "Thank you….. for talking me into inviting my dad to our wedding."
Monica smiled softly. "I told you if you didn't, you would regret it for the rest of your life."
"You're right. And I would have." Chandler turned back to Phoebe. "I let bitterness and anger get in the way of accepting my dad. I won't make the same mistake with you, Phoebe. Granted, the situations are not comparable: you've never once hurt me, or anyone, and I would never want to do anything to hurt you now. None of us do!"
Phoebe gazed around at them all, moved. Her eyes filled with tears.
"…. Really…..?"
Monica rose, placing her hands firmly on Phoebe's shoulders. "We love you, Phoebe – as you are: no matter what…." A pause, and then the beautiful chef started to cry herself.
"What….?" Chandler studied his bride.
"I….. I wanna plan your wedding….!" Monica bawled. "But…. but I can't, because… because…." She broke down in a fresh round of tears, the rest of her sentence unintelligible.
Michelle chuckled. "Slow down – we're not there yet…."
"Yeah, but same-sex marriage isn't legal here in New York!" Joey's face fell, in pained dismay on behalf of his friend. "Carol and Susan had to sort of do things on the DL."
Rachel now appeared thoughtful. "Pheebs? Can I ask you something?"
Phoebe blinked expectantly.
"Um….. you've dated guys before. David. That cop, Gary…."
"I'm bisexual," Phoebe blurted out. The moment she said the words, her face lit up, as if she had finally been set free from some heavy burden. "I can play tongue tag with the girls just as well as with the guys…."
Joey grinned wolfishly. "I can attest to that!"
Chandler stared. "When did you two kiss?!"
Joey and Phoebe shared loving, platonic smiles. "Wouldn't you like to know…" Phoebe smirked. Chandler gawked.
Ross just giggled. "Sweet! Pheebs plays for both teams!" Everyone else sent him heavy, bemused looks.
Rachel suddenly rose emphatically, staring at Phoebe. "I support and love you too." Phoebe blinked and then grinned, some tears slipping onto her cheeks. Rachel even turned and nodded to her old sorority sister. "You're blessed with this one, Michelle – don't you forget it."
Michelle grinned. "I won't." Taking Phoebe's hand, she stood and leaned in to kiss her girlfriend sweetly.
"So hot….!" Joey breathed, grinning like a loon. He flushed at the others' looks chastising him to give the couple some privacy. Clearing his throat, Joey circled the table and opened his arms, letting Phoebe walk into them. "I love you too – all of you. You know that, right?"
Phoebe gazed up at him, beaming. "I know." She touched her lips to his chastely, platonically. Joey grinned softly.
"Ross?"
Rachel's gentle murmur prompted everyone to glance back at the paleontologist. Like Chandler, he had been affected by someone's coming out, except that coming out had broken up his own marriage, rather than the marriage of parents, as in Chandler's case. Smiling tenderly, a kind of weighted acceptance to the upturn of his lips, Ross rounded the table and turned Phoebe out of Joey's arms so he could pull her into his.
"I'm happy for you, Pheebs."
That was when Phoebe started to cry in earnest, and in utter relief. "Thank you….."
"Nothing to thank us for," Joey sloughed off. "What did you think we were gonna do, Pheebs? – cast you out?"
"We cast out Kip," Chandler offered up in reminder, almost too casually.
Monica shot her husband a pointed look. "Kip didn't cheat on me with a man, honey."
"Thank God! It would have been Susan before there was a Susan!"
Everyone laughed. Phoebe wiped at her eyes.
"The thought… did cross my mind," she admitted softly, glancing around at her friends. "That some of you or all of you might not accept me…"
Monica gasped, her expression and her heart melting even through a twinge. "Phoebe…"
"I'm sorry that I ever doubted any of you," Phoebe shook her head with a smile. "You're all true friends."
Rachel cleared her throat. "While we're in the business of apologizing…. I'm sorry I shared your news before you were ready."
Phoebe smiled compassionately. "Apology accepted." Then, tilting her head almost curiously, she suddenly leaned in and brushed her lips across Rachel's.
Though surprised, Rachel held the kiss, deciding it would be rude to shy away. The girls broke apart after a moment.
"OK, if this is a dream, I'm gonna be pissed!" Joey was beaming.
Phoebe's kissed lips scrunched up in thought. Then she shrugged. "Eh. You're OK." Glancing at Michelle with a grin, she concluded: "… but you're much better." Phoebe pulled her girlfriend close and kissed her deeply on the mouth.
Rachel laughed brightly. "I can live with that."