"And that's why the first rule of self-defense in the Cookie Cartel is to scream, 'That's My Purse, I Don't Know You!'" Leia declared, demonstrating the code of conduct for fighting their enemies, the Bluebell Scouts. "Then do whatever feels right. At least, that's what I did at your age."
"Cool! When can I try?!" Holly jittered, rocking on her toes and heels.
Leia couldn't help but feel a tinge of relief at her little cousin's eagerness to join the Cookie Cartel. Compared to her enemy, Stephanie's gang, the Bluebell Scouts, the Cartel was severely outnumbered. The sheer numbers of the Bluebells outnumbered them 3 to 1. And as effectively specialized as many of Cartel were, she knew they would stand very little chance against the sheer numbers of the Bluebells should they ever choose to attack. As far as she was concerned, adding new members to the Cookie Cartel was a must. Being an impressionable young family member was a bonus.
"Right after I get your donatio—I mean, initiation fee." Leia calmly corrected herself, maintaining an air of arrogance over the now teetering toddler. "Since you're new, it's only 30 dollars ."
The television blared as the voice artist, Peppily, announced the return of the show. "We now return to a brand new episode of The Loud House on Nickelodeon!"
"Uggh, Lemy?! Will you and your ugly friends, PLEASE, go back to the junkyard and stop watching that old garbage?" Leia grunted, glaring between the trio of troglodytes her big brother referred to as friends and the television touting a terrible children's show.
How Lemy could sit around staring at some poorly rated cartoon show with those two low-minded cretins he called friends simply confounded her. Gordon COULD be considered acceptable. After all, he would help keep her and her friends safe while crossing the streets of Royal Woods. Plus, he was kind of cute—for a dumb boy, that is. But their cousin Lina?! The wannabe rocker? No skating skateboarder? The two-toned hair, beanie wearing, big brother stealing hussy?! Surely he could do better.
"No way. It's my turn on the TV, and I'll use it to watch whatever I want. Besides, this show isn't half bad." Lemy declared, casually counting the somewhat 'familiar' faces in the show's cast.
Gordon readily returned fire, effortlessly appearing aloof. "Nah, I'm good, but I wouldn't mind if you gave me some free cookies, though."
"Aww, it thinks it's in charge." Lina taunted, deftly demotivating the tween, towering over her from a now seemingly small distance. "Sowwy wittle girl, but the real world doesn't work that way. Buh-bye now, 'princess'."
Uggh. How things changed for the worse since Lina joined their little group. How could someone like Lemy be so lovable but misled by that lying trollop. What would make Gordon give up their profit-filled friendship for a grody, poorly dressed poseur? Luckily for her, Leia was much too occupied to teach her to respect her betters. The day would one day come when she would put that punk in her place. But for now, a flash of a middle finger, followed by a quick, completely unafraid retreat, was the best approach.
"Whatever, C'mon Holly, we'll go to the kitchen since they're too busy being butt buddies, with their thumbs too lodged up their backsides." Leia snarled, storming up the stairs with Holly's hands firmly snatched in her own. "Who knows, Lina, your guitar playing might actually sound better from there." She sniped, innocently delivering one last snide remark to the subtly twitchy eyed teen.
"Hmm... Hey Lemy, I'm a little thirsty; ya mind if I grab a soda?" Lina's tone carried a faint air of menace, the air of someone who wanted trouble and revenge.
Gordon, not one to pass up the view of a potential fight, took the cue. "Mind if I grab something too?"
"Yeah, sure guys, I'll come with. Let's just hurry back; I wanna see if this white-haired kid ever gets to hook up with that Mexican chick in the hoodie." Lemy exclaimed, enraptured by the show, excited to listen in on what would happen next.
"Go 'head." Lina smirked, standing there menacingly to the side of the kitchen door, simply daring Leia to walk past her. "After you, 'princess'."
"Don't get cute with me, Lina, or I'll show you what happens when you cross a loud... Leia Loud." Leia wasn't about to let this slight inconvenience take away an opportunity at recruiting a new scout.
Leia was prepared. If Lina tried anything, she would be in for a swift kick to the front; body parts may vary. She wouldn't have to worry about Lina making a move on her at home. Then again, she never knew what ideas were boiling under that smelly beanie-baked hair of hers. Nonetheless, a quick kick to her nuts would take her down if needed, and Leia was pretty sure that's what she was hiding under that ugly hat.
As the warring group of five made their way to the kitchen, to their surprise, Reina was happily sipping the first of an unopened six-pack of sodas.
"Hey guys, what's u- ?" Reina started to greet them but stopped, sensing a thundering tension.
"Yes, yes, hello Reina, don't mind me or our brother and his friend's poor taste in women. We're just here to iron out some details." Leia said, sauntering over to the six pack, lightly sipping her soda while addressing the teens. "I do hope you can keep yourselves from being an inconvenience and let me work in peace. After all, I abhor violence, but I Stand On Business when it comes to removing any minor threat." She said, staring back not so subtly at a certain blonde haired intrusion.
Lina promptly replied, ready to fiercely return any backhanded remark. "Nah, sweetie, we're more like a black flag; we got nothin better to do than watch TV and have a couple of brew-.. sodas."
"I admire your most noble generosity and humbly await your return with the utmost of bated breath, your grace." Gordon jested, gently joking with Leia as she lightly giggled.
"Yeah, yeah, Whatevs. Let's just hurry up and finish here before the show comes back on!" Lemy argued, anxious to return to his unrecorded show. "That kid with the white hair keeps coming up with some crazy plans; I gotta see if this one works."
The way Leia saw it, things couldn't have been settled any more perfectly; her three potential obstacles were quietly contained in their own worlds. She couldn't possibly imagine what drew Lemy to obsess over a show about some albino boy and his lower middle-class family. Let alone what made it interesting enough to keep watching for more than a couple of seasons. She would have been content with spending time talking with Gordon about new delivery routes and watching him dork out over the latest Banksy piece. But only for so long; after all, he was still a big kid and a smelly boy, no less. And she would absolutely scream if she had to spend more than 10 minutes with Lina. How she could be related to anyone with such a crass voice, trashy clothes, taste in music, and even grodier hair was beyond her.
"Fine. Whatever. You're all flaming butt buddies who can keep talking about your lame cartoons all you want. Just don't make any noise." Leia declared before leaving the table to talk out a deal with Holly.
"You heard her, guys. You're both my girlfriends." Lemy chuckled, chugging his soda.
"Pfft, Lemy, you're cheating on me with Gordon?" Lina joked, jesting that her little cousin could have a jealous lover. "I thought what we had was special."
Gordon happily played along, giving his feisty friend a hearty run for her money. "Don't hate the player, hate the game, sis; a top G always keeps his main girl around."
"Speaking of girlfriends, I think we're getting an actual love interest in the show, not just that Cookie girl or Christina." Lemy stated, sipping his soda.
"That just sounds like a long list of girls to play will they or won't they with." Gordon was less than convinced of the cartoon's shipping. "Just ride the 'we're just friends train'; it'll save you a roller-coaster ride of shipping disappointment."
Reina immediately inserted her input. "Don't listen to him, Lemy! True love always conquers all and wins in the end. At least that's what Mom always says."
"Sorry, Reina, but all those fanfictions and OTP's don't count." Gordon replied.
"Of course they do. The writers even take ideas and recreate characters from them every now and then." Reina readily responded. "I even have some about You x Lemy, Lemy x Lina, Dad x Mom, You x Leia x Lyra, Me x Bobby, Dad x Sid x Mom, Bobby x Lemy x Me, and... why are you looking at me like that?...stop that.."
Gordon replied, perplexed at being in a pairing made up of his friends. "Oh, Nah, you tweakin. Take my name out of those comics. I don't want to be hooked up as a part of your family shipping circle."
"Told ya dude, you're all MY girlfriends." Lemy sipped the last of his soda, satisfied with Gordon's suspense.
The teens continued to chuckle at the kitchen table, fatefully ignoring the younger children's conversation.
"Hey, wait a minute Reina, y'know that new girl sounds a lot like your Mo- "
"Hey! No fair! I bet no one else had to pay 30 dollars to join!" Holly exclaimed, enraged at the faintest thought of being excluded from a fair deal.
Reina readily joined in. "Wait, she's paying 30 dollars?! I paid 40!"
"Well.. That's because.. It's only..." Leia stammered, lost for words at the now staggering allegiance of her newest scouts.
"She's trying to think of a lie! Call her out on it, Hollywood." Lina shouted, stoking Reina and Holly's growing suspicion.
Leia quickly quieted her. "Shut up, Sharpe! Nobody asked you!"
"Sounds like commercials are over. I'm headin back, guys." Lemy explained, leaving the kitchen, excited to get back to his television show. "Meet me on the couch when you're done."
"Sure, man, but I'm telling ya, that white-haired kid and the Spanish girl don't work together. They're only at the restaurant because their older brother and sister were dating." Gordon suggested, ready to follow his friend before gazing back at the arguing girls. "Yikes. You kids have fun now."
"Huh, that's funny. I don't ever remember Gwen, Marsha, Bed, or the rest of those girls paying a fee to join. Is there even supposed to be a fee?" Lina touted, devilishly leaving for the living room as she whispered to herself. "My work here is done."
If looks could kill, Lina would've dropped dead, with Leia holding it, dripping with her blood. But that had to wait for tomorrow. Now, she had to handle a growing cookie-sized revolt.
"You're lying to me! You're just trying to steal my money!" Holly yelled.
"I bet there was never any initiation fee. You're just lying to us!" Reina added.
"Show that gremlin who's the boss, girls." Lina howled from the couch, hoping to loosen Leia's so-called stranglehold from the inside.
"Shut your mouth, you mediocre guitar player. No one is talking to you!" Leia screamed.
It just couldn't be possible. Within the last 30 minutes, a power struggle seemed to brew. Not just within the ranks of the Cookie Cartel, but the family dynamics, perhaps even within the very fabric of the universe itself! At least so far as Leia was concerned. She realized she'd have to tread carefully or end up losing authority, or even worse, having to give them a refund.
While the battle continued to rage, the boys were casually trying to guess if Lincoln would or wouldn't get with the Latin bruiser Ronnie Anne.
"Right there, see, dude, they're joking around with each other. I told ya they were gonna hook up." Lemy said, hoping to convince his friend of the chemistry between the cartoon characters. "Just give em time. They'll be just like Bobby and Lori, callin' each other Boob Bear and stuff. Then the show'll probably start gettin all mushy, talking about feelings and stuff, but you get my point."
"Nah, dude said he'd rather lick the bathroom floor than her." Gordon protested, unpersuaded by the small display of friendship. "See there? He said it again, this time in front of a whole restaurant. It's a dead ship, dude."
Back in the kitchen, the argument became much more heated.
Leia carefully studied her cousins, angrily but accurately. For such a tiny child, Holly had a booming voice. And had Reina always been that much taller than her? It didn't matter! Leia was in charge, and they were about to be given a swift and serious reminder.
Reina was now furious at Leia for finessing her out of her hard-earned money. "I want my money back!"
"I wanna free box of cookies!" Holly growled, growing impatient with her less, than conscientious cousin.
"NO! I'm the boss, and what I say goes!" Leia finally snapped, standing against the set of now simmering siblings. "Now you get back to work! And you give me your initiation fee!"
"It's habbening! She's panickin guys; stay on her!" Lina cajoled from the couch, coaxing the angered girls to go in for the kill.
Leia screeched. "That's it! I've had just about enough of you and your mouth, Sharpe!" She said, dashing to the living room.
"Not even on your best day, ya brat." Lina sneered, hopping off the sofa, standing her ground.
Oblivious to both the charging little girl and the enraged teenager, Reina subtly snuck her hands into Leia's purse, lying on the kitchen table, quickly relieving it of 40 dollars. Oblivious to both Gordon and Reina, Holly snuck through Leia's duffle bag, treating herself to Leia's gourmet edition cookies, which she'd normally keep for herself. Gordon simply marveled at the growing tussle, torn between stopping the wrestling girls and seeing which one would win.
-SCRATCH!-
"GAaaa!" Lina howled on the ground, looking up as Leia's sharp nails skated down her arms.
"Hurts, don't it?!" Leia taunted.
-POP!-
Leia gasped as she fell back, guided by the snap of Lina's backhand. "Plfft!"
"Ya mean like that?!" Lina returned.
"Umm, bro, don't you think you should... I don't know. Stop them?" Gordon questioned, concerned for the cousins' safety. "It's getting.. well, I meant they're fighting is pretty.. bad."
-CHOMP-
"Oww! No teeth, ya runt!" Lina screamed, jerking her hand from Leia's mouth.
"I heard your mom say that last night." Leia teased.
Lemy simply ignored, far more interested in Lincoln's dilemma. "Nah, this is normal. After you see Leia fight everyone over the remote, the sweet spot in Vanzilla, and everything else, you kinda get used to it."
-TUG-
"Gaaah! Stop pulling my hair!" Leia roared.
Lina yelled, yanking Leia by her hair loops. "That's what your mommy said last night." She smarmed.
With no end in sight, Gordon finally stepped in, ending the battle between the teen and pre-tween. With no obstacle in sight, Holly grabbed the last of Leia's premium gourmet cookie stash.
"Alright, that's enough of that. Back to your corners, ladies." Gordon proclaimed, separating the girls from their slap fight.
"You're lucky.. Gordon... was here to save your sorry hide, I ...almost broke a nail." Leia huffed, practically hugging Gordon as she hung to his shoulders.
Lina shrugged sarcastically. "Oh yeah, you sure showed me ki-
-THWACK-
"YoOww!" Lina howled, hurting from the sudden kick in the leg as she hopped in place.
Ha! Exactly what that little punk deserves. Leia thought, quickly drawing back her leg and then shooting it forward. She hoped her foot would've aimed a bit higher than a leg, intending to turn an assault—a necessary act of self-defense, into an educational moment for Holly. However, a rival's defeat, an increased standing on the family hierarchy, and a vulgar display of superiority towards an unruly loudmouth made it all the worthwhile. Lina should've known not to cross a Loud, Leia Loud, to be exact. Of course, half meant apologies would be in order as well as ice packs to now swollen areas. But all in all, this battle was rightly won.
"Oops, silly me, my foot slipped." Leia teased, testing the teenagers' patience.
Lina charged at the little girl. "You little Bitc- "
Gordon heroically shielded her from Lina's flailing hands. "Come on, calm down, Lina; she's only like 6 or something."
"Tch! No, that's how many of her bones I'm gonna break." Lina roared, ready to pounce.
Leia quickly quipped back. "No, that's how many bones YOU broke pretending you could skateboard."
"Stop all that now." Gordon now demanded, single-handedly separating the dueling girls. "I could use a lil help here, dude."
Lemy was much too engrossed by the climax of the cartoon. "Uhm..kinda in the middle of something here, dude. He's getting on a guacamole stand, trying to apologize."
"Not if I have to get your sister to help first!" Gordon threatened, beyond being annoyed at Lemy's lack of aid. "Oww! Watch the hair, you two!"
"..Fine. Leia, if you don't stop, I'm gonna tell Dad." Lemy casually remarked.
Leia immediately ignored his idle threat. "Yeah, right, Lemy. Daddy will be too tired to play, he said she said after work. Let alone believe anything you have to sa- ."
"And... I'll tell Lyra." He said, stopping her reply.
Uh-oh. Leia could be cutesy and talk her way out of trouble from her overworked father, but not Lyra. If Mrs. Goody two shoes got involved, it would be an almost adult and Lemy's word against her once Dad got home. And with so many witnesses and roads leading back to her, the odds of winning were not in her favour. She decided retreat was the best possible option—for now.
"Whatever." Leia dismissed, making her decision to fight another day. "I can tell when my lovely company is not appreciated. Come along now, Holl- Hey! What do ya think you're doing?!" Leia stormed at Reina and her sister.
"Umm...re-allocating profits into a marginal investment towards the workforce?... " Reina nervously recited, praying the use of jargon was successful.
"Oh, I thought you were just taking your money back." Holly accidentally revealed. "And can we take some of these cookies too?"
Leia screamed, snatching Holly by the shirt collar. "You two put my merchandise and money down, right now!"
"Put her down!" Reina demanded.
"That's MY capital and merchandise. Both of you hand it over!" Leia countered.
"That's My Purse, I Don't Know You!" Holly growled, reeling her foot back.
Lina shouted, excited to see her cousins' newfound courage. "Don't let her push you around Reina! Stand on Business Holly!"
Leia bolstered herself for war, bracing for an attack. "DON'T YOU DARE."
Just great, this again. Another fight from a poorly prepared and dressed competitor. If Lina was somewhat of a challenge, then Holly was most certainly not. Sure, the girl showed promise; she had the guts to make a move, but she was much too fragile to outmuscle Leia Loud. Her being a small 4-year-old didn't help. Nevertheless, Leia Loud was not going down without a fig-
-THWACK-
"OOOOUUF!" Leia howled, humbled, onto the ground from the heavy blow.
"YES!" Lemy shouted.
The room froze in shock and awe, apart from Leia's grunting.
"She kissed him! See, I told ya bro, they totally hook up in the end!" Lemy continued, confirming his cartoon's shipping. "She even helped him out with those background kids who kept giving him a hard time."
"Y'know, I've gotta give this one to you. It's not every day you're right." Gordon responded, reclining back onto the sofa. "Just as long as you don't start trying to ship me next."
"Pfft..way to Stand On Business, Leia."
Lina smirked, smiling at the now-shaken girl, congratulating the pair of sisters. "By the way, nice shot guys; you really took her down a peg."
Leia growled, gathering her strength. "You're..DEAD!"
"...RUN!" Reina shouted, swiftly grabbing Holly's arm, dragging her from the living room and up the stairs to their last hope of refuge, Lyra.
"Cool!" Holly beamed, led by her big sister's better judgment, looking back at the pained, raised, and now enraged Leia in pursuit. "I didn't know YOU learned that move too!"