This will be the last update before Christmas. I've been really busy lately getting ready for Christmas so I haven't been able to write much and I'm heading to Scotland to visit my in-laws for a while so I won't get much chance to until into the new year. I'm not sure when the next update will be, but I'll try not to leave you hanging too long!
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it. Whether you celebrate Christmas or one of the many other holidays around this time of year, I hope you have a lovely time celebrating with family and friends.
As Jasper and I ran through the forest, I let my senses spread out looking for something to hunt. The first thing I came across was the sound of hooves padding across the ground. I forced myself not to take in the scent, and stopped breathing, hoping to get closer before the scent of the blood assaulted me and sent me into that frenzy. I sprinted towards the sound, Jasper following close behind. As I got closer, I could hear the wet, thudding heartbeats of a small herd of deer. I slowed as I neared them, glad that I was able to keep the frenzy at bay for now, though I was still desperate to get near the source of that delicious sound.
I crept silently through the trees until I could see them. Four stags and two doe stood grazing on the grass. The soft thud of their heartbeats was calling to me, urging me to drink down that sweet nectar. Readying myself for the onslaught of the scent, I took a tentative breath. The second the scent of the blood hit my nose, I was gone. I leapt from where I was crouched watching the deer, landing on top of the largest of the stags. Just before I latched my teeth onto his neck, I grabbed the doe closest to him before she could bolt and snapped her neck, my instinct making sure I would have enough of that delicious blood.
When both the stag and doe were drained, I looked up, surprised to see very little carnage around me. The carcasses of the two deer I'd devoured were ripped to pieces, my strength once again getting the better of me, and my clothes were splattered with blood, but the forest around me had survived. I hadn't ripped trees out of the ground or left gouges in the ground as I had when I'd hunted the previous day. It wasn't perfect, but I couldn't help but feel pleased with myself.
"You should feel pleased," Jasper commented from behind me. I stood up, spinning round to look at him, standing between the carcasses of his own meal, not a single drop of blood anywhere on him. "You were really controlled for most of that. I expected you to be much more wild as soon as you could smell the blood."
"I held my breath," I explained, "I just followed the sound of the deer until I was close, only letting myself smell their blood when I was crouched on the other side of those trees."
"That's impressive," he stated, his face showing no sign that he was being anything other than truthful, "Despite not needing to breathe, going without your sense of smell is hard for any vampire. Once you heard the sound of the blood, tasted it on the air, it should have been impossible, as a newborn, to keep holding your breath."
"Impressive might be pushing it," I said, gesturing to my clothes that were covered in blood, "Though, at least it'll give Alice a good excuse to shop."
"Like she needs an excuse," Jasper chuckled, "Let's head back before Edward wears a hole in Esme's floors with his pacing."
~~~PS ILYF~~~
Edward was sitting on the steps at the back door when we emerged from the trees. He stood immediately and strode quickly across the garden to meet us, wrapping his arms around me as soon as he reached us. I leaned into his embrace but kept my arms loosely by my side for fear of hurting him again. I had missed him and was glad to be back in his arms, but I still worried about my strength.
Jasper said his goodbyes and headed into the house, giving us some space.
"How was it?" Edward asked, taking me by the hand and sitting us down on a small bench, facing the forest at the edge of the garden.
"Okay, I guess," I said, looking down at our joined hands as I focused on making sure that my hand was relaxed, not gripping him in any way, "Emmett and Jasper are good teachers and, I suppose, I made a tiny bit of progress with both of them, but I wouldn't be getting out the good china anytime soon."
He smirked at my joke, but it didn't last long as he also glanced down at our joined hands, obviously noting that I was being very careful, but he didn't mention it, instead asking me what each of his brothers had done with me today. I gave him a quick rundown of each of the lessons and he seemed really pleased that I was making some progress with them.
"I mean it, Bella," he said, obviously seeing the sceptical look on my face at his praise, "You have never been around newborn vampires, so you don't know what they are usually like. I know you feel very out of control, but in comparison to what I've seen in Jasper's mind, or even what myself or the rest of the family were like just after our changes, you are doing amazingly well."
I smiled at him, not quite agreeing with him, but I wasn't going to argue with him about it. My talk with Emmett earlier had really helped, knowing that I wasn't the only one who'd been in this situation, but I still couldn't get it out of my mind that I had hurt him, couldn't get that image out of my head and, until I was able to control myself, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
I changed the subject, asking him about his time while we were apart and, though he looked at me warily, seeing my change of subject for what it was, he told me about spending some time with Esme and playing the piano for her.
We spent the rest of the day with the family before everyone began drifting off to their own rooms and I began to get nervous. I knew that when they were all otherwise engaged, Edward would take me back to our cottage to be alone and I just knew that I couldn't touch him in that way, not until I was 100% sure of my ability to control myself. Obviously, Edward would never force me to do anything I didn't want to do, but I didn't want to reject him either. I thought quickly.
"Let's go for a run," I said, as we headed out the door of the main house, "The speed is amazing. I never truly appreciated it when I was on your back, but now I can't get enough of it. It's exhilarating."
"Whatever you want, love," Edward replied and we took off into the forest, running side by side.
I wasn't lying. I did love running as a vampire, especially when I was fully in control of my senses. The wind rushing past me, flowing through my hair. Everything should have been a blur as I passed it, but I could see it even more clearly than when I stood still as a human. The grace I had when I ran as a vampire resembled bounding like a gazelle. If I'd had even a fraction of it as a human, I would have spent so much less time in the ER.
We ran and ran through the forest, leaping over rivers and jumping through trees, heading in one direction for a while before Edward would turn and lead us a different way, so that we didn't end up too far from the house, or God forbid, too close to any humans. It really was exhilarating and I now understood why Edward loved running so much. We laughed and taunted each other as we ran, Edward winning every race, though I could jump further than him, my newborn strength actually being useful for something. After a few hours of running, I knew I couldn't put off heading back to the cottage any longer.
When we reached the cottage again, I held back once again to let Edward open the door and walked in behind him, sitting down on the sofa in the living room. There were only a few hours of darkness left, then I would be meeting Emmett first thing for my next lesson. I needed something to pass the time, a way to keep Edward busy.
"Would you read my journal to me?" I asked him as he sat beside me, "My human memories are still there, though it feels like I'm looking at them through a haze. They are all so blurry. Maybe if I focus on them now, before they slip away completely, I'll be able to get them clear in my head."
So that's how we spent the rest of the night. Edward sat at one end of the sofa and I sat at the other end, my eyes closed and my feet in his lap as he read all of my memories from my journal. I concentrated on each memory as he spoke, picturing it in my head. He started with my early childhood memories, flowing into my summers spent with Charlie, through to my time in Forks before he left, and eventually, ending with everything that had happened after I found him in Chicago. With each word that Edward read, my memories became clearer. I pushed through the hazy vision of my memories as I took in each word. I had tried to be as descriptive as possible when I was writing and that helped me to hone each memory until everything was much clearer.
"Thank you," I said quietly, as the sun rose in the sky, "Not just for tonight, but for the gift of the journal in the first place. Everything is so much clearer now, after hearing all of my memories with my new brain. One of the big things I worried about was losing my human memories, particularly my memories of us together."
~~~PS ILYF~~~
The next week passed quickly. I spent every morning training with Emmett and Jasper, and both insisted that I was improving amazingly, though I didn't completely agree with their assessment.
I had no idea where or how he got them, but Emmett had gotten a hold of many different items for me to practise with. After I had mastered trees and boulders, now able to throw them back and forth without damaging them at all, he moved on to huge tyres from tractors and large scraps of metal, like car doors. Each different item required a different amount of strength to hold and throw without breaking them or damaging them in any way, but I had gotten the hang of them all.
It still hadn't stopped me, however, from snapping Esme's beautiful, wooden dining table in half when I leant on it to stand up from the chair. I didn't even need help to stand up, it was just a leftover human habit, which is why I had exploded with frustration at myself and flew through the house and out the door destroying even more furniture in my wake. The guilt at all the damage I had caused still ate at me, even though Esme had insisted that she didn't blame me and everything had been replaced or repaired by the time I returned from my tantrum. The same thing had happened when I'd ripped the door off Edward's car as he tried to take me out for a drive one day.
I'd also lost my temper, more than once, at flippant, silly remarks made by my new siblings. Jokes made at my expense, and even once or twice at Edward's expense, or comments about all the doorknobs I'd crushed just set me off and it would take all of Jasper's power, as he followed me through the forest, to calm me down.
With Jasper, I was now able to push back the red haze a little and had managed to make it around ten seconds before I flipped and launched myself towards Jasper. However, that was during training, when I knew what was coming, but when it happened in the heat of the moment, I never even had the inkling to try to push that damned red haze back and I just lost it. Jasper wasn't able to disperse my natural anger away as easily as his gift-induced anger, so I still caused a lot of damage every time it happened.
"This is useless," I yelled from the ground in front of Jasper, having only lasted about seven seconds before pouncing, "I'm not getting any better. Sure, I can hold it off for a little bit here with you, but I can't control it any other time. Plus, now everyone is walking on eggshells around me, afraid to set off the volatile newborn." I punched at the ground beside me, my fist easily sliding through the grass and soil until my hand was planted up to my wrist.
"That will come," Jasper soothed, sitting down on the ground beside me, "It's only been a week."
"I know," I sighed, "Part of me kinda thought I might bypass all of this. You know, because I was going into vampirism fully aware, that I might not be as out of control as you all said I would be." I hadn't admitted that to anyone. It felt childish and silly to think that I might be the exception to the rule, but I had thought it, hoped it, I suppose, and that was making it even harder for me to be patient with myself.
"You really are actually doing a lot better than I expected," Jasper said, "After only a week you're able to push back for a while, and I know you can't do it in the heat of the moment, but that will come, and with the way you are progressing, I don't think it'll be long."
"I think that's enough for today," Jasper continued, "I think you're mentally worn out, plus every time I bring you back to Edward, he seems even more agitated than the day before."
I knew why that was. For the past week, every night, when the rest of the family headed off to their rooms, I found something to keep Edward and me occupied. We hunted, we ran, he read to me, either my journal or some of the books I had loved as a human and wanted to remember, but we weren't intimate. It's not that I didn't want to. Every time he touched me, held my hand, brushed my cheek, or placed his hand on my lower back to guide me, I felt a zing of electricity that made me want him, but then I would see a flash of his cracked chest in front of my eyes and the feeling of shame and guilt would flood over me.
We hadn't talked about it. Edward just went along with whatever I wanted to do, but I knew it was worrying him. I knew I should tell him how I was feeling, why I wouldn't touch him, though he had undoubtedly realised the reason behind my hesitation, but I couldn't. Couldn't bring myself to talk to him about how I had hurt him, how I had damaged him, and how it would likely happen if we tried again before I had complete control of my strength.
As soon as we reached the house, Edward ran out of the back door as he did every day, crossing the garden in an instant, picking me up in his arms, and swinging me around.
"I missed you," he whispered in my ear as he set me back down on my feet.
"I missed you, too," I said, sighing at being back in his arms and allowing him to grasp my hand. I looked up at him, the worry evident in his eyes as he stared back at me.
"Can we go back to the cottage for a while?" he asked.
I panicked. Usually after my training with Jasper, we spent the day with the family, watching movies or just chatting.
"Oh, I think I need to hunt," I said quickly, trying to think of any excuse not to be alone in our cottage with him.
"I saw in Emmett's mind that you hunted with him before working with Jasper?" he said quietly, hurt flashing in his eyes, "Please?"
I couldn't bear to see that hurt in his eyes, so I agreed and we walked quietly, hand in hand, towards the cottage.
We reached the cottage, without having uttered another word to each other, and Edward guided me to the sofa, sitting at one side and patting the space beside him for me. I sat, not touching him, but sitting close beside him. I felt guilty for avoiding being alone with him and for the hurt I'd seen flash in his eyes when I'd lied about needing to hunt.
"We need to talk, Bella," he began, and, if I'd still been human, my heart would have raced at those words. His tone reminded me of that day in the woods when he had left me. My breathing quickened and the urge to grab him, hold him to me so he couldn't leave me again, was strong, but I resisted for fear of hurting him again, gripping the edge of the sofa instead. My fingers ripped through the fabric, but I couldn't find it in me to care.
"I'm sorry," I breathed, "Please...don't leave me." The last words were barely more than a whisper, as I struggled to contain my terror. A phantom heart beat hard in my chest, echoing in my ears, as my breath continued to race. My lungs felt like they were constricted, as though I actually needed the oxygen from the air I was gasping in. A glimpse of his face that day in the woods when he told me he didn't love me, flashed in front of my eyes, and then I was watching him walk away, leaving me in those dark woods, all alone. Sobs wracked my body, as I curled into a ball, no longer on the sofa in our cottage, but on the forest floor back in Forks where I'd lay for hours until Sam had found me.
P.S Sorry about the slight cliffie! I didn't plan it to be when there will probably be a longer wait between chapters, it just happened this way, but don't worry too much about our two favourite vamps!