PART 2: IT'S HARD TO TRUST WHEN ALL YOU HAVE FROM THE PAST IS EVIDENCE YOU SHOULD NOT

Chapter 19 - Lost and found

The other boys couldn't quite believe it when they realised they had been at Hogwarts for a month. Remus had no trouble believing it, as his body once again started to ache. The second full moon was soon going to be upon him. He wasn't ready, not in the slightest, but when had that ever mattered.

Remus knew he was lucky with the timing of the second full moon, just as he'd been lucky with the first. While the second full moon wasn't exactly on the weekend, it was on Sunday night to Monday morning. Having no classes the two days that led up to the full moon was helpful as he was still settling down to his new life as a student. And yet, this time he would certainly miss classes. If it was a good month, he might be back by Tuesday, but Remus could already tell it was not going to be a good month.

Remus spent most of the weekend in bed. He remembered Madam Pomfrey's promise of potions that could help alleviate some of the symptoms, but Remus had no energy to go and ask for any. He should have thought ahead, of course, but maybe - after all - he too had been caught in the delight at being at school enough to forget to manage his condition. Maybe he had started to believe his own lies, that he was just like the others, that there was nothing for him to worry about other than homework and pretty Defence Against the Dark Arts professors.

On Saturday, the boys seemed happy to leave Remus be once they had checked that he was, in fact, not dead. Peter took up some dinner for Remus, realising Remus had not gone down for any meals that day, but that was the extent Remus interacted with any of them.

The trouble began on Sunday when James and Sirius too became worried about Remus. James wanted to fetch professor McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey while Sirius was convinced they could help Remus on their own. Remus wished they could just leave him be again.

After insisting that all he needed was rest, James decided to go flying, inviting the two others but both declined due to the awful weather outside. What Peter and Sirius did to entertain themselves without either Remus or James was something Remus couldn't quite picture, but they seemed cheerful enough when they returned with a soaking wet James a few hours later.

'We can bring some food from the kitchen, if you'd like?' Peter asked as the three boys prepared to leave for lunch.

James had showered, presumably to get some heat into his body; he couldn't exactly have gotten any wetter.

'Anything you like,' James added. 'I'm sure Lulu would be most obliging to help any friend of Master Sirius, Sir.'

'James is a prat,' Sirius said after having punched James in the stomach, 'but he's right. We can bring pretty much any food you could dream of.'

'Or just tea?' Peter suggested.

'I'm alright,' Remus said, hearing how not-alright he sounded. But he intended to leave for the Hospital Wing as soon as he was sure the boys were at lunch.

Sirius hesitated, then said: 'look, I'm the last person to want to suggest this, but we could take you to that horrible place?'

Sirius' mind had gone to the same place Remus' had: The Hospital Wing.

After Sirius had been released he had been quite vocal about how bored he had been there. While he'd been unhappy about it at the time, Remus also suspected his view of the place had changed after his recovery. At the start, Sirius had been too unwell to be really bored.

'Yes, it's no problem to us,' James added, having caught his breath again after Sirius' punch, then repeating the offer from earlier: 'Or we could fetch Madam Pomfrey here if that's easier?'

'I might go down if I'm no better later,' Remus said, desperately wanting the conversation to be over.

He wasn't sure why he wouldn't just let them walk him down to the Hospital Wing, when that was where he was intending to go. It wasn't as if Madam Pomfrey would greet him with 'are you here for your monthly werewolf transformation?' But the more his friends wanted to help him now, not knowing what was wrong with him, the more it hurt to think about what they would say if they ever found out.

The boys eventually left, Peter promising to bring some food and tea, and Remus left about half an hour later, feeling a little guilty.

It was only when Remus realised he must have taken a wrong turn or the stairs must have led him somewhere new that he recognised his mistake. True, thanks to Sirius' stint in the Hospital Wing, and even James' short visit in their first week, he had walked down to the Hospital Wing from the Gryffindor Tower more times than he would have expected by now, but it still required work to find the way. Work required effort; and Remus had no energy to think or pay attention. He was lost.

He startled at a sudden bang ahead and turning the corner he found a girl, likely in her 6th or 7th year, with dirty blonde hair that looked like it had just been on fire. But that couldn't be right, could it? Yet, the evidence was there before him: her hair was wet, singed at the edges and there was a burnt smell in the corridor.

'Sorry,' she said, her voice gentle and nothing like anything he'd picture of someone who had just needed to put out a fire. Especially considering it had been her own hair that had been burning.

'I didn't mean to frighten you,' the girl had silvery eyes which were slightly wide, and Remus worried she might be in shock.

'Are you alright?' Remus managed to ask. He wished more than ever that he could have just accepted the offer from Sirius, James and Peter to take him down to the Hospital Wing.

'I am fine,' she said. 'A little disappointed,' she added, 'but fine.'

Remus nodded. Intending to leave her he just said: 'alright, well, I better be going.'

'Do you know where you're going?' the girl asked, 'you look a little lost.'

Remus debated whether to be honest with the girl, but he could need the help.

'The Hospital Wing. You don't happen to know how I can get there from - erm - wherever we are now?'

'Hm,' the girl said thoughtfully, and Remus' heart fell.

Despite his question he had been sure she must know the way, seeing as she was much older than him. She couldn't possibly not know? But then again, most people didn't visit the Hospital Wing several times a month to see friends or to hide a dark secret.

Maybe, he hoped, she was thinking of the shortest route.

'I suppose most people who are lost in this castle know where they are going, just not where they are, which is so very different from life, where most people know where they are, but not where they are going.'

Remus realised he would have dearly liked to run into this girl at any other time of the month. Surely she was a Ravenclaw, she was curious, reflective and different (but not, secretly-a-monster different). Had he ended up near the Ravenclaw tower? Surely not, he had been walking down the stairs the entire time.

'Or maybe,' she continued, 'maybe it's the same in real life: people think they know where they are. They think they are lost because they don't know where they are going, but in reality they have lost their way and that's why they can't find the next right step?'

Today was not the day for this, Remus thought desperately.

'Right now, I'm afraid I don't know where I am and I'd like to go to the Hospital Wing,' Remus said, trying to hide all traces of impatience.

His father had drilled into him that nothing was worse than a temper one cannot control, and while Remus typically considered himself quite patient, he felt the strain of the approaching full moon wear down even his patience.

'Oh yes,' she smiled, 'I'm not good at giving directions, but I can take you down. I am Pandora Beavin by the way.'

She waved her wand, causing her hair to dry. Another wave of her wand, and it was in a bun that mostly hid the burnt edges.

'Remus Lupin,' Remus said as they started walking.

'Oh, you must be Lyall Lupin's son!'

'You know him?' Remus asked, surprised. Usually it was Sirius' family people tended to know, or Fleamont Potter.

'I know of him, of course,' Beavin said happily: 'he's a world-leading expert on Non-Human Spirituous Apparitions. Boggarts are fascinating, don't you think? I wonder what they look like when no one can see them. Does your father have any theories?

When Remus made no reply, the walking demanding all his concentration, she shook her head slightly: 'I'm sorry, Remus, you're unwell, that's why you're going to the Hospital Wing. Don't worry, I'll get you there safely.'

And, to Remus' relief, in silence.

Beavin said goodbye right outside the Hospital Wing, saying she did not want to impose. But to Remus' surprise, she stroked his chin as she wished him a speedy recovery. It was a maternal gesture. While not overly fond of strangers touching him, Remus found that he liked it.

Remus thanked the girl, and she departed.

/

When he woke up in the Hospital Wing a few hours later, Remus wondered whether the girl had been a fevered dream. But then, it had been an odd thing to make up.

'Your friends were here to see you,' the matron said, dragging him back to reality.

'What did you tell them?' Remus asked fearfully, realising he had not left a note. This month he was really slipping up, and it was only the second full moon.

'That you were too unwell for visitors.'

'And they accepted that?' Remus asked before he could help himself.

The matron raised an eyebrow. Right, Madam Pomfrey could be quite frightful if she wanted to.

'Are you ready?'

No, Remus thought. Definitely not, and I never will be.

He nodded.

'It will pass, Lupin, and I'll be there to collect you as soon as it does,' Madam Pomfrey said not too unkindly.

/

Remus had been right. It wasn't a good month.

After his transformation and until Madam Pomfrey arrived, Remus had been sure he'd die from the blood loss. He had desperately tried to stem the worst of the bleeding, but there was only so much he could do with a bit of fabric from the bed and being unable to move much. He found himself crying when he saw the matron emerge in the doorway, and while the pain was bad, the tears were mostly of relief. He didn't want to die. Not like that.

Madam Pomfrey could heal most of his wounds (and replenish the blood he had lost) before she got him back to the Hospital Wing, but this did little to remove the aches that the still strong pull from the moon was causing him, nor could it make his body forget the trauma it had undergone.

Monday was just a big fevery blur to Remus. He was vaguely aware that he was in the Hospital Wing, and though he realised much later that he must have continued to cry, he could not remember any of it.

It was only late in the evening that he was conscious enough to notice that there was a man sitting next to his bed.

'D-dad?'

'Remus, my boy, how are you feeling?' Lyall Lupin looked tired and relieved.

'I'm … what are you doing here?' Remus had been about to say that he was okay, but he was far from okay. Instead he needed to know why his father was here.

'Poppy - that is Madam Pomfrey - contacted us and suggested that you might need a bit of company. I take it the wolf wasn't particularly well-behaved this month?'

The wolf. Lyall, like Hope, wanted so badly to pretend it wasn't Remus. But it was Remus. Remus hurt Remus. Yet, this time, Remus was overcome with relief to have someone who knew his secret, so he accepted the terminology without any argument.

'It wasn't,' he said simply. What more was there to say? Describing the pain - or how scared Remus had been - would only hurt Lyall too.

Lyall reached out and squeezed Remus' hand, which was resting on top of his bedcovers.

'I am sorry I can't-,' Lyall stopped, drawing a steadying breath. Remus looked straight ahead. He hated seeing his father so torn up.

'I am sorry I can't protect you from it, Remus, but everything else, you don't have to do alone. I am here, your mother is here, Poppy is here. I know it's not enough -'

'Dad, stop, please!'

Remus couldn't take his father's self-loathing, like it was his fault that Remus was the way he was.

'It's enough,' Remus said, squeezing his father's hand back. 'You being here is enough. Just don't -'

'Don't make you worry about me,' Lyall smiled sadly. 'You'd think I got the bedside conversations sorted by now.'

'Don't worry,' Remus said, smiling back, 'we've still got plenty of years to practice.'

Lyall laughed, but it quickly turned into a half sob. Leaning over, Lyall carefully scooped Remus up in his arms and held him tightly.

'My dearest boy,' Lyall whispered into Remus' ear, 'we both love you so much, your mother and I.'

'I love you too,' Remus muttered back, feeling somewhat embarrassed.

Lyall pulled away slightly and studied his son's face: 'you are strong Remus, far stronger than you give yourself credit for.'

Remus didn't feel strong. Not in his father's arms, exhausted and in pain. Not when he fell asleep, knowing his father would be gone when he woke up, and especially not when morning arrived, and with it, the empty seat that his father had occupied the previous evening.

Strong people didn't cry, which was exactly what Remus was doing when the matron came to check on him that morning.

A/N

Pandora won't have a big role in the story, I just adore Luna, and needed a bit of her, so I brought in her mother.

I have shamelessly stolen the 'good'/'bad' wolf language from Moonpigeon90.

Remus says it took him years to learn the truth about Fenrir Greyback, so I have interpreted that to mean he does not yet know the truth. I feel for Lyall so much: I am sure he blames himself every day, but the thing is, he didn't do this to Remus.

It was meant to be a longer chapter, including Remus' return to classes, but honestly, I feel like I just put Remus through hell and he deserves that we process this with him before we push him back into everyday life.