Chapter Two

The Fantasies of Hope

Ji-chan was the closest thing Kagome had to a parent after her father died. Her mother, who had very much been a kept woman for most of her life came from a wealthy family and quickly married a successful young doctor. She rarely had want or need for anything and work was as foreign to her as the brand names she wore on a daily basis. When the broken pieces of her husband's red surfboard washed up on shore that fateful day, she became a cash-strapped single mother of three in one fell swoop. She worked three jobs and had little time for her children while struggling to keep both her family and the ancient Higurashi shrine afloat. Somewhere in her mind, Kagome knew it had to have been difficult for her mother. Her little brother, Seiki, was born five months after her father died. Her mother did not hold him for the first few months of his life.

For all her pampered and primped lifestyle, Mei Higurashi had an uncanny knack for survival and was very much grounded in the perilous reality of their financial situation. While Ji-chan believed Kagome's lavish tale of the magic Well, the grand destiny and the secret powers almost instantaneously, her mother instead gave an exasperated sigh and pulled out a calculator to budget in therapy sessions for Kagome. She had no time for the nonsense dreams of children when poverty threatened to knock at their door with a single overdue bill.

Kagome's powers and nebulous fate that had been dished out by the strange woman in the Well was a thing of great contention in their house for many years. It created an unbridgeable chasm between mother and daughter that widened with each passing day. Kagome heard her mother's distrust and annoyance in the years of silence that settled between them. It was loud and suffocating. Although her mother had no choice but to believe Kagome's incredulous tale when she forced the pale purple sparks of magic from her hand and brought home a 13th century jewel encrusted golden goblet from medieval Spain (stolen from a particularly sadistic demon who had ravaged hundreds of souls under the guise of piety), there was not much that could be done to repair their relationship. It was an ever-yawning distance between them that cut Kagome deeper each time she felt it. It was there when Mei told her to stop crying at her father's funeral, there when she slapped her for screaming bloody murder at the nightmares of that horrible voice that kept her from sleep. Mostly it was there when she scowled at the sight of Kagome's presence.

The day her mother threatened to put Ji-chan in a home if Kagome didn't "stop all this nonsense of world saving and saved her abysmal grades" was the day Kagome knew her mother hated her. The resentment took seed that day and kept growing within Kagome until she could barely stand to be in the same room as Mei. She was, for all intents and purposes, an orphan in this world. But at least she had Ji-chan. He was the one thing that made her life in the present feel worth coming back to. He came up with strange illnesses and weird excuses anytime the Well returned her to the present with days or months between when it had last taken her. He listened attentively, eyes filled with child-like wonder as she regaled him with tales of her spiritual teachers (a 14th century British nun that told curious villagers Kagome was an unfortunate cousin whose almond shaped eyes were a result of an unknown deformity, a 3rd century Indian sorceress that gave her a flower that would never wilt, a 31st century Japanese priestess who was infusing magic and technology, an Egyptian priestess that showed her how to commune with the dead, an accused witch from medieval Spain and so on and so forth). He cherished intimately the gifts she brought him, clearing out the old junk in the shed to make way for all her little trinkets (which were in truth, priceless historical artefacts should anyone deign to test them). He rocked her in his arms when the memories of her drowning became too much to bear. He stood with her each time she tried to overcome her fear of water, never rushing her or shaming her when her breathing hitched, and the panic attacks began. He loved her fiercely and wholly and she loved him in return.

It was hard for Kagome to accept that no amount of love from her grandfather would make her journey any easier. Each time she returned to the present, she felt like her skull was about to explode. All her memories and teachings were shoved violently into her mind. The months and years she spent in another place, another time, experiences that shouldn't have been there were crammed into her head fighting to find equilibrium with a body that didn't match. It was exhausting. Kagome felt as though she was wading through quicksand, a tiring and futile endeavour just trying to keep her head above the surface. It felt like one day she would slip up and sink to the depths below. She fought battle after battle, helped her teachers heal strangers and save souls from demons across time, but her fated evil never showed. There was a secret fear in her soul each time the Well called to her that she would be stuck doing this back and forth for the rest of eternity.

She had lived more than fifty years by the time she was seventeen and she felt those years most when she tried to reconnect with her friends. Kagome's mind was too scattered across the tides of time to be able to keep up with the rapidly changing technologies and social realities of modern-day Tokyo. At some point, she gave up trying to keep friends. Only Hojo stuck around, always making the effort and ever so understanding when Kagome disappeared without a word. She would tell him her secret one day, she swore to herself. He deserved that much.

When Madam Centipede clawed her way through the Well's magic and pulled Kagome into Feudal Japan it felt like destiny aligning. Was this her fated enemy? The one she would battle in a blaze of glory, a fight that had been written in the stars from the day of her birth? Kagome was so stunned that the Well had brought her the great evil to end her long journey to her destiny that her years of training had drained from her body and mind. The demon had enough time to bite her scratch at her chest and reveal the tiny pink stone that had been missing since she had made that fateful wish all those years ago. It was there, hidden inside her and Kagome felt its loss when the demon dragged it from her body. Defeating the youkai was much harder than she anticipated and resulted in the jewel shattering into innumerable pieces. With the discovery of the evil hanyou Naraku soon after, it was cemented even more in Kagome's mind that this was her destiny. She would recover the jewel, defeat Naraku, her fated enemy and return home. Only then would she finally be finished with time travel and fighting demons and wars. Then she would be enough, and it would have all been worth something. It was a dark day, with the enormity of the task before her and the shattered reality of the broken jewel that had been a part of her soul for so long. But in that darkness glimmered shards of hope. Hope that one day she would be free of this wretched destiny she had so foolishly wished for.

It took four years for the jewel to be reconstructed. Over that time, Kagome made many enemies and many friends. With the help of Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango and Inuyasha's half-brother Sesshoumaru, they amassed an army and rode into battle to rid the world of the scourge of Naraku. When the final battle had finally arrived, Kagome poised herself to strike the final blow. It was here, right before her. The final moment. She readied her stance, her katana held high as the battle raged on around her. She spared a thought, wondering what it would feel like to finally complete her destiny. In the blink of an eye, Inuyahsa dashed in front of her, burying Tessaiga into the evil spider's neck. Naraku's head fell with a thud on the battlefield. There was a moment of silence before Naraku's minions retreated and victory reigned on our heroes. As her friends and comrades in war rejoiced and cried around her, Kagome felt…nothing. There was no joy, there was no celebration from her. Only the empty sinking reality that Inuyasha had stolen her destiny from her.

There were many things to hate Inuyasha for; his aversion to bathing, his crude mannerisms, his hurtful words, his morbid obsession with begging for a piece of her soul to truly resurrect Kikyo, but the moment he took Naraku's death from her, the feelings she bore for him transcended hatred. She had trained fifty-six years for this moment, suffered the ire of her mother, the loneliness of time travel, felt the weight of her destiny heavy on her chest like a boulder each longsuffering day. Then, with a snap of his fingers Inuyasha had taken it all from her. There would be no triumphant return to her time, no college, no hope of aging naturally for once, no friends, no life. There would only be more senseless fighting and training until one day Kagome cracked and her addled mind compelled her to fall on her sword and die from the madness of it all. It wasn't enough for him to break her heart, now he had stolen her fate.

The group was lauded as the Heroes of Japan. For nearly three months straight, they were paraded across all of Japan and blessed by every Lord and Lady in every crevice of the nation, both demon and human alike in celebration of Naraku's defeat. They ended their victory tour in the Kingdom of the Moon, Sesshoumaru's very own domain nestled in the western hemisphere of Japan. If the villagers were to be believed, their little rag-tag group had brought peace and hope back to the lives of the common man. Each time a tearful villager lamented how much they had suffered under Naraku and how much they were glad to have been saved from the demon, Kagome tasted the bile that filled her mouth and felt a scowl etch itself onto her face. It was hard to save herself from the bitterness.

There were beautiful gifts filled with magic and luxury and feasts and parties like Kagome had never seen before. They were heroes, the lot of them. InuYasha, Miroku, Sango, Kagome, Sesshoumaru...even baby Shippo. They were celebrated and revered and could live the rest of their lives in this time without ever working a day in their lives. It all made Kagome sick. In the eyes of these people and this time, she was set for life but in reality, she felt imprisoned by her fate. She was chained to an unending abyss of fear, one that suffocated her with images of an infinite fight, of no peace, of no hope and of no end. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. She needed something to hold on to, something to hope for. Like a drowning man in search of a lifeboat, she reached out and pulled down the person nearest to her.

Kagome had developed a strained relationship with Sango over the years. They grew into friends, then into lovers and now they were…nothing? No. Not nothing. Definitely something, but what that something was Kagome couldn't quite say. The longer she thought about it the more her head hurt. All she was certain of was that there was love between them, tender and delicate. Breakable. It had grown steadily in the dark, marinated on stolen kisses behind trees, quickened climaxes in hotsprings, fingers intertwined and hidden beneath blankets; they could never have been open about their love in this time. But that didn't mean it wasn't real, that it wasn't true. The hiding had felt like a collar slowly tightening around Kagome's neck until it had broken them into fragments just as fine and innumerable as the jewel. They parted ways, under the same cover of darkness they had met.

Kagome always wanted more from her life, from Sango and their love. She needed that something more now. She needed Sango to say she loved her, that she wanted to be with her. She needed her to kiss her in front of their friends and tell Miroku to fuck off because she was a taken woman. She needed to be loved loudly in the face of all the pain of her stolen destiny. She was surrounded by magic, here in Sesshoumaru's feast where little creatures flittered about bringing light as the darkness of the evening slowly crept in. It felt like a fairytale, a place where any dream could come through. If she let herself feel it, Kagome would fly away with the sheer beauty and peace of the space Sesshoumaru had created for their final celebration. For a brief moment she felt warm inside, and then to her horror, she felt hopeful. She shook her head and downed her cup of sake, squashing that hope like the fetid little insect it was before she could be fully infected by its fallacy. There was a part of her that knew there was no point in hoping for the love between her and Sango. It would be tormented and plagued by the sickening, taunting voice that sneered at Kagome for even daring to try. She felt the bitterness of her soul collect in her mouth with a sour taste. It brought with it a desperation that made her feel feral and ashamed for wanting. She swallowed thick and hard as she approached Sango, caught in a polite conversation with a minor demon Lord. In a steady voice that revealed none of the frayed nerves she was feeling, Kagome asked Sango for a private moment to chat.

Sango's eyes widened at the question, shifting skittishly as if she'd rather be anywhere else. For a moment, Kagome worried that she would say no. There was a pause before Sango nodded and Kagome let go of the breath she didn't realise she had been holding in. Walking slightly apart, they meandered away from the party, finding a safe place in the thicket of the trees under the cover of darkness once more. When they'd made their way as far from the party as they dared, away from prying demonic hearing they stood across from each other, neither wanting to be the first to break the silence. Kagome felt the corners of her mouth turn sheepishly upwards. Sango broke and smiled back at her. They were alone for the first time in days. The wind slipped across their bodies in a gentle hello, caressing the loose pieces of hair from Sango's jet black braid across her delicate face. Kagome reached out and tucked a strand behind Sango's ear, allowing her hand to graze Sango's cheek in familiar intimacy. Sango cleared her throat, turning her head away from Kagome's touch. "What was it you wanted to talk about, Kagome?" Sango asked, avoiding her eyes.

Kagome frowned. She could feel Sango's irritation but couldn't understand why. It was she who had broken things off, not Kagome. Something inside her groaned in frustration, begging her to just tell Sango to forget it and head back to the party. But the other part of her craved the impending self-destruction. She decided it was the sake talking, pushing her to make a fool out of herself for love. "Sesshourmaru throws a pretty banging party, don't you think?" Kagome tried to make small talk.

"Did you see the fairy lights? I think those were actual baby fairies!" Sango cracked a real smile, breaking the tension between them. "Did you see Jaken? Didn't know that annoying little toad could juggle so well either."

"Well better use for his hands than trying to jock Sesshoumaru off every two minutes," Kagome said with a roll of her eyes. This earned a giggle from Sango, egging her on.

"I could hear him now, 'Oh Master Sesshoumaru, no please let me! Hands as great as yours shouldn't stoop to do that! Please sir let me!'" Kagome mocked Jaken's intonation, making a rude gesture with her hands.

Sango erupted into a fit of laughter. Kagome smiled, enjoying the twinkle in her eyes.

"I missed the sound of your laugh," she said wistfully. She watched Sango's laughter die out and hints of the tension between them slowly build back up. Without a second thought she stepped closer to Sango, taking her into her arms. When Sango didn't move, she brought her hand to her ex-lover's cheek. Sango's face stilled; her eyes grew bigger. Before she could stop herself, Kagome let her lips fall onto Sango's and felt the world stop spinning for a moment. She lost herself in Sango's kiss.

When she pulled back, her eyes met Sango's, expecting to see the heat of passion she felt, but they did not hold the lustre and wonder Kagome was accustomed to seeing. Instead, they felt empty and distant. Kagome felt her stomach sink in fear. "What's wrong, my love?" she asked, revelling in the warmth of Sango's smooth skin. Sango flinched, removing Kagome's arms from around her and holding them in between their bodies. "Kagome, we've talked about this before," Sango said. It wasn't unkind of her, if Kagome was honest with herself. It was said in a tone that was much like what one would use to gently admonish a child that ought to know better. That didn't mean it didn't hurt. Still, Kagome pushed forward. Her head was clear as day, but she would just blame it on the sake. Yes, Sesshoumaru's demon brewed sake would be the perfect scapegoat for any hell she raught upon herself.

"No, you've spoken about this. You said we couldn't be together anymore. You never said you didn't love me."

"You know I can't," Sango said, giving Kagome's hand a small squeeze.

"Can't what? Can't love me anymore? But you could marry that disgusting lecher?" the words came out much harsher than Kagome intended. She saw Sango's face go blank and felt her hands go a little limp in her own.

"Don't call him that," Sango replied softly.

"Call him what? A lecher? Or disgusting? Because he's both if you didn't realise," Kagome smirked trying to make a joke. It didn't land well at all and just made her sound as bitter as she felt.

"Kagome don't do this. You know. You know how I feel about you. It just- it isn't the same for me."

Kagome snatched her hands back from Sango's. This was an old argument they'd had many times over. One that quickly became cruel and angry until she and Sango were screaming so loudly at each other they forgot what they were fighting about. Kagome felt wild and out of control in her hurt.

"I showed you how easy it could be if you wanted it. I showed you. I took you to my time, took you to the places we could be, where we could walk together, hold hands, kiss in the sunlight." Kagome saw Sango's face crumple and worried she was about to make her cry. She couldn't stop. She'd started and now the words kept coming out of her mouth, rancid and cruel like vomit. "I showed you just how free we could be. But you don't want it, don't you. You enjoy hiding, scampering about in the darkness because you're too much of a fucking coward to love me in the light," Kagome felt herself spit the words out. Fuck, she thought. That came out much worse than she expected.

Sango didn't meet her eyes, couldn't. She kept her gaze hooded and lowered to the floor, a distinct aura of shame curled around her. Sometimes, if Kagome's emotions ran wild, she could sense changes in a being's aura. It was strange each time it happened, being able to read someone's feelings and even impressions of their thoughts. It wasn't something she enjoyed. It made her feel disconnected from the person, especially when she caught someone in a lie.

"You're being cruel again, Kagome," Sango said in a quiet, broken voice, still not meeting Kagome's eyes.

"Yea, as usual, I'm the villain and you're being a fucking delight, aren't you?" Kagome couldn't stop now that she'd started. She was going to trample over everything until Sango couldn't bear to spare her a glance. Fuck it.

She thought that would spark the fire in Sango she had come to love, but all she got in return was a gasp. Sango looked up and met her eyes. Kagome felt herself break when she saw Sango's eyes, red rimmed and brimming with tears.

"Yes. I'm fucking trying here Kagome. Trying to be civil, trying to be realistic. And all you're trying to do is hurt me," the tears slid down Sango's cheek. "I'm not like you! I'm not from your world. I don't belong there with your mechanised carts and your strange boxes with people living in them and all that fucking noise. And maybe I'm a coward for not loving you the way you want. Maybe I'm a fucking pain for not giving you all that you want. But I can't. I can't and I won't," Sango was breathing heavily, glaring at Kagome whose own tears had just begun to fall.

"I'm marrying Miroku when we get back to the village, Kagome. I- I wanted you to hear it from me," Sango didn't meet her eyes anymore, but Kagome could still see the tears dripping from her face.

Kagome clenched her fists. The tears were streaming down her face, wet and hot and angry. Without thinking, her hands reached out and she pushed Sango so hard that she flew back and hit the soft forest floor with a thud.

"I hope I never see you again," Kagome ground out through her tears. She took one more look at Sango's grief-stricken face. Even crying, she was so beautiful. Without a second glace, Kagome darted away, running further into the dense darkness of the western forest.

Her feet pounded erratically into the floor. Kagome felt her tears blur her vision in a stream of uncertainty and regret. Fuck, what did I just do. Shit why the fuck did I just do that. She had done exactly like she thought she would, and properly self-destructed all over the things and the people she loved the most. The trees cleared before her and she heard the distinct crashing of waves. She stopped in her tracks, feeling her chest squeeze in both fear and exhaustion. She took deep breaths in and tried to calm her frantic heart. The salty air tickled her nose. Slowly, she dragged her feet out of the cover of the trees and found herself on a rocky shoreline along the edges of Sesshoumaru's domain.

For a moment, she stood still, transfixed by the ebb and flow of the black waters. The moon hung in the sky like a teardrop, lonely and content in the clear night sky.

"Kagome…"

Her breath stopped. It was there again. The voice.

"Kagome…come to me Kagome…"

Kagome couldn't move. In that moment, it didn't matter how many lives she had lived, how many demons she had faced, how many wars she had won. She was 8 years old all over again, scared and afraid and missing her daddy. Everything was silent. She was here, alone at the shore and she was afraid. But it didn't mean anything. Sango didn't love her. Her mother didn't care one shit sideways about her. And she was tired. She was so, so tired. She should go to the voice. She should step right into the water and let the waves wash her away. Maybe then it would all stop. All the pain, all the fighting. Everything would just stop. She raised a foot, about to make the first step towards the frigid night sea when a clawed hand gripped her wrist.

"Kagome, what are you doing here? Don't you hate the ocean?" a voice, smooth as butter slid through her dark thoughts and brought her back to reality.

Looking up, she fell into the warm eyes of Sesshoumaru. His brow was furrowed in confusion as he stared intensely into her eyes.

"I- I- yes. I do hate the ocean," she managed to get out.

"What were you about to do?" he asked, still holding her wrist and drowning her in thick honey pools he called eyes. What was she supposed to say? That he had stopped her from… from… what did he just stop her from doing?

"I- I don't know," she frowned, not standing to look into his eyes anymore. It was a strange feeling that washed over her. A moment of clarity that made her question the thoughts that he slinked around her mind just seconds prior. Was she really about to walk into the ocean?

Sesshoumaru gently pulled her away from the shoreline and back under the cover of the trees.

"I thought you hadn't been to the ocean since your father passed away?" he asked. She could feel his eyes searching her face. For what? She'd forgotten how much she'd shared with him. Over the last few years they had become something like friends. They sparred with each other, training night and day in the months leading up to the final battle with Naraku. At times, she forgot how much she'd shared with him and was always surprised when he revealed how much he remembered.

"That's right," she answered evasively.

He tucked his finger beneath her chin and turned her face so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze. She knew he could tell she'd been crying. She was afraid he'd ask her more questions. She was more afraid that she'd have to lie to him. Instead, he took his thumb, gently wiping a tear from her cheek before pulling her into a warm, gentle embrace. At first, Kagome was in shock and then she felt herself break. The tears came hard and fast as her body wracked with sobs. Her hand made their way to return his embrace and she gripped at his kimono as though he was the one thing anchoring her to the floor. Because in a way, he was. She wasn't quite sure what would have happened if he hadn't stopped her walking into that water.

To his merit, he said nothing. He just held her, making soothing circles on her back until she finally calmed down. They stood still like that for a while, clinging to each other. Slowly, he untangled her from him.

"How can I help?" he asked. It was earnest and his eyes shone with the unknown. Why did he want to help her?

"Can you take me home?" she asked, her voice small and broken.

He nodded. Without another word, he waved his hand. Slowly, the water in the atmosphere condensed around their feet and a soft cloud lifted them into the sky. She buried her face into Sesshoumaru's strong chest, letting herself get lost in the safety of his arms.

"We're here," his chest rumbled with the deep baritone of his voice.

Within moments, he had brought her to the Well. It sat there, seeming to glow in the pale moonlight. She released him from her grip, all of a sudden feeling shy and embarrassed.

"Th-thank you," she stuttered out. She felt shaken to her core and drained of all emotions.

He nodded, saying nothing once more. She turned to leave, and he reached out, ensnaring her wrist in his hand once more. He pulled her to his chest and cupped her face in his palms. Her breath hitched in her throat. As soft as a whisper, his lips descended and he placed a chaste kiss in the middle of her forehead.

"Goodbye, Kagome. I hope we meet again."

Kagome felt her eyebrows knit together in confusion. He waited patiently until she made her way to the mouth of the Well. She glanced back at him, trying to figure out this strange interaction but his face revealed nothing. Without another word she swung her legs over the Well and jumped.

Author's Note:

This one was a rollercoaster, putting it lightly. Yes, yes, I know. Not Kagome being a toxic girlfriend. From here on out, everything will move a little more fast paced. Feel free to leave your thoughts and reviews. Xoxo- SITM.