Author's Note: I hope you enjoy, please feel free to leave me a review. I would love some feedback. - TLC

Chapter Eleven

Kaidan was disappointed when he made it to the mess after his shift. The room was busy, and noisy. He had been hoping for a quick, quiet meal as the tension of the mission was slowly creeping up his shoulders and seemed eager to find a home behind his eyes. He would not be so lucky today. After getting the meal his rations allowed, Ashley called him over so he joined her and Joker. As he started his meal, the table slowly filled with Alliance crew and aliens alike. Liara came out of the med bay and filled her own tray. She stopped a few paces away from the table, seeming unsure where to sit. Kaidan noticed, and called her over to the empty seat next to him. She offered him a grateful smile and took the seat.

"You're looking much better," He complimented her between bites.

"I am feeling better, thank you. I must also admit I am quite impressed with Dr. Chakwas's knowledge of Asari physiology," Liara offered, her tone still gentle and timid.

"Dr. Chakwas is the best, rest assured you'll be in good hands with her on board," Kaidan complimented the doctor as his eyes trailed after Shepard who had chosen this moment to leave her quarters for her own meal.

"Hey Skipper!" Ashley called out, and Kaidan watched as Shepard froze and turned slowly. "Get over here, there's room for one more!" She offered and Shepard walked over. She gave them a smile before setting her tray down on the table and pulling a chair over from against the wall. "No reason you should have to hide in your fancy quarters all the time."

"I wasn't hiding, I was working," Shepard defended herself and then insisted she was just another soldier as she started her meal.

"Sorry, Shepard, that changed the moment you became a Spectre," Joker shook his head, and Kaidan noticed the minute fall of her shoulders and her eyes lifted to his, though she maintained a courteous smile. "That reminds me! I prefer gold to silver."

"For?" Shepard asked as she sipped her beverage and looked to Joker.

"My medal. You know, for pulling your asses out of the fire, literally," Joker explained, his tone held a mock exasperation.

"Why? So you can sit on a stage and listen to politicians give speeches for a couple hours?" Shepard asked, with a playful glow in her eyes. "I mean, if that's really what you want I'll write up the commendation…"

"Though, you'd have to shave," Kaidan reminded him, and Shepard sent a grin his way.

"On second thought, I'll pass. It took me seven weeks to perfect this baby," He said as he stroked his beard. Shepard and Kaidan shared an amused glance. Kaidan's eyes moved to Ashley and she shook her head at him with a smirk. His eyes flicked back to Shepard and he found her looking at him. As soon as their eyes met, her eyebrow arched slightly but she kept her eyes on his. Kaidan felt the urge to look away, but didn't and the longer she held his gaze, the less he wanted to. The teasing glint in her eyes was enticing. It became almost a battle of wills.

"Shepard, I never truly thanked you for saving me from the geth," Liara spoke and, much to Kaidan's frustration, Shepard's eyes turned to her. Liara's cheeks tinted purple in a blush at the sudden attention.

Shepard stared at her, her gaze intense and unyielding. It was as if she were still making her mind up about the Asari. This surprised Kaidan, she had seemed to take to Garrus, Tali and even Wrex fairly quickly, he wondered what it was about Liara that concerned her, "I'm glad we got there in time."

"Also, I wanted to thank you for bringing me along. I know you have taken a risk. I want to take this moment to promise you and your crew that I am not like Benezia. I know you do not trust me, yet, but I will do whatever I can to help you stop her," The table was quiet while she spoke, the Asari's eyes were down, and they didn't lift until she has stopped speaking. Kaidan had shifted in his chair so he could see her. He had the sense she was being honest, and that she truly had no idea what Benezia had been up to. Kaidan turned to watch Shepard who still hadn't responded.

There was no doubt in anyone's mind that the Commander was appraising the Asari, she was not one to hide it. Her eyes held Liara's for a long, silent moment before she spoke, "I appreciate you saying that. Though, promises are easy to make and hard to keep."

Liara's eyes moved over the whole table this time, making eye contact with each person, "I understand your suspicions and cannot begrudge you them, know that in time I will earn your trust." Kaidan noticed a small smile tug at the corner of Shepard's mouth as she watched Liara.

"Why don't you tell us about yourself, Liara? That seems like a good place to start," Shepard suggested. Liara shifted in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with being the center of attention.

"There is not much exciting about me. I am an archaeologist so I spend most of my time alone with my work," She said as others at the table returned to their meals, while listening to her speak. "I have always been fascinated by the Protheans and started studying them as soon as I was on my own. I feel as though more was expected of me, being a Matriarch's daughter, most believed I would follow in Benezia's footsteps and play a more important role in galactic society. Sometimes, I wonder if I became an archaeologist simply to spite her," Liara's tone took on a distant, almost sad quality as she spoke of her mother.

"All children rebel against their parents in some way. It is part of growing up," Shepard intoned as she finished her meal. Liara laughed softly, it was a pleasing sound.

"So, Shepard," Joker started, before swallowing a mouthful of food, then he continued, "how did you rebel against Mom and Dad?" Kaidan could have kicked him, but Shepard laughed and raised an eyebrow.

"I learned to shoot," She answered, and it was her turn to sound distant. "Mom and Dad were not fans of guns, but I insisted that someone should learn to handle a weapon, just in case. Michael, my little brother, was so jealous." Kaidan watched the grin spread across her face as she spoke of her family. "Of course, looking back on it now, I think my parents were more upset over my choice of tutor," She added, as if to stop herself from being bogged down by sad memories and pushed some food around her plate with her fork. Ashley asked who she chose. "He was the son of the farmer down the road. He was a bit older than me."

"A bit older?" Ashley asked, a doubtful smirk playing on her full lips.

Shepard chuckled warmly, "Okay, he was four years older than me, which doesn't seem like a lot but I was 15 and he had already enlisted. He was home on leave," She paused for a heartbeat. "I guess my parents were right in the end. It didn't end up doing much good," The table was silent at the unintended reminder of her family's fate. Kaidan shot a look at Joker, who had the decency to look abashed, as he shrugged. Thankfully, Liara took the silence as an opening and continued speaking, oblivious to the tension.

"You, Shepard," Liara started and Shepard looked up at the asari, "share the wisdom of the Matriarchs," She was smiling, and Shepard cocked an eyebrow at her, "That is exactly what Benezia said when I told her of my decision. There was more to it than that, though. As I said, I have always felt drawn to the Protheans, these wondrous, mysterious creatures. I wanted to know everything about them. It is why I find you so … fascinating," Liara's eyes were full of wonder as she gazed at Shepard while she spoke. An awkward silence fell like a cloud on the group.

"I'm fascinating?" Shepard asked, her face twisted in an uncomfortable grimace and Kaidan heard Ashley sniggering to the other side of him.

"You were marked by the beacon on Eden Prime. You were touched by actual working, Prothean technology," Liara gushed, her meal forgotten. Kaidan couldn't help but be reminded of his own words when face to face with the beacon.

"You sound like you want to dissect her in a lab," Kaidan commented and, much to Liara's discomfort, Shepard grinned and the table let out a laugh.

"What? No! I did not mean to insinuate. I meant no offense, Shepard!" Liara was stammering, trying to backpedal from her statement. "I only mean that you would be an interesting specimen for an in-depth study," She paused and shook her head, "No, that is even worse…"

"Relax, Liara, Alenko was only joking," Shepard offered her through a chuckle while making quick eye contact with Kaidan.

"Joking…" Liara said, sitting back in her chair. "Now you know why I prefer to spend my time alone in ruins. I always seem to say something embarrassing when I am with other people. Goddess, you must think I am an utter fool. Please, let us pretend this conversation never happened." Liara sat forward and resumed her meal. Most of the table had finished but the relaxed, family like atmosphere of the group made it difficult to walk away from.

"Liara," Garrus started and she looked at him, "Do you have any idea why Benezia would have joined up with Saren?" Her eyes dropped again, shame seemed to seep from her at the reminder of her mother's actions.

She was quiet for a moment, while the table looked at her. When she looked up, it wasn't at Garrus, it was at Shepard. "I do not understand it. Benezia was always outspoken about the need for the Asari to play a greater role in the shaping of galactic events. It is possible she believed allying herself with Saren would be for the greater good in the long run," She stopped then, and looked down to her meal where she toyed with her food with her fork instead of eating it.

"We'll figure it out," Shepard promised, with a sigh as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. Kaidan failed in not watching Shepard as the conversation continued around her. Her attention was clearly elsewhere, but she still laughed when it was called or offered a comment when she had one. She even admonished Wrex for not mentioning he had known Saren before joining the crew. He had been hired by him, albeit not directly, to raid some merchant ships. Wrex's voice rumbled when he spoke of leaving his employ just in time, every other merc who had been hired by Saren had been killed. To this day he wasn't sure what they had been looking for. Still, Shepard seemed only half involved in their conversation, and Kaidan wondered where the rest of her was.

"Tali? You alright? You seem down," Garrus asked her, bringing everyone's attention to the young Quarian, including Shepard who now seemed fully vested. Kaidan was ashamed to admit he didn't even know Tali had joined them at the table, she had been so quiet. She had kept to herself since they left the Citadel, choosing to spend her time in Engineering with the Chief Engineer.

She sighed, "I'm fine, just adjusting. You know, trying to find my place," Her admission was timid, and Kaidan imagined she'd be blushing if they could see her face. Shepard's concern was plain on her features.

"Adams adores you," Shepard offered her, "I think he'd throw the rest of the engineers out the airlock, whether we were docked or not, if it meant keeping you with him," Kaidan knew she was saying it to be kind, but he believed her and knew Tali would too.

"Engineer Adams has been fantastic and this ship is a marvel. I understand now why humans have advanced so quickly," Tali complimented, her voice rising with excitement as she spoke of the ship.

"Well, this ship is a prototype. She's one of a kind," Joker added, his voice teeming with pride.

"Regardless, I've never been on a ship like this before. The drive core alone is astonishing," It was clear Tali had a thing for ships. Granted, her whole life had been spent on a ship so it's understandable she'd have an expansive knowledge and appreciation. "It's just too quiet. It's been difficult to sleep," Tali confessed, sounding ashamed.

"You can't sleep because it's too quiet?" Garrus asked, his mandibles flaring in what Kaidan supposed was a Turian version of a smirk.

"Right, well, on the flotilla, silence is bad. It usually means an engine has died or an air filter shut down," Tali explained, and Kaidan had to admit there was something pleasant about the soft trill of her voice. "Plus, the Normandy feels empty all the time, like there's not enough people. Before I left, I couldn't wait to get away from the crowds, our ships are always teeming with people. Now, I – I kind of miss it," Tali explained, and Shepard offered her a compassionate smile.

"You're homesick," Shepard offered an explanation. Tali's head tilted at the commander, "I mean, you don't always appreciate the things you have until you don't have them anymore. Maybe that's part of the lessons learned with your Pilgrimage."

"I am gaining a new perspective on things. There are pilgrims who leave, and never return. I always assumed something bad had happened to them. I could never understood why some would not return. Maybe they decided they wanted a different life," She said, sounding almost sad.

"Will you be going back?" Garrus asked her, and Tali looked over to him again.

"Of course," She said, her voice sounding more sure on this than it had anything else. "I could never imagine turning my back on my people." Kaidan was intrigued when Shepard opened her omni'tool and started rooting around in her files.

"I think I have some audio…" Shepard spoke and the attention moved to her, "Ah, there it is," She played it for the table. It was ambient noise, the noises you'd hear on an older ship or a space station. Tali gasped and Shepard's face lit up beautifully at the young woman's excitement. "I could send them to you-…"

"Oh, yes! Please do!" Tali asked as she opened her own 'tool and both women turned their attention to their wrists. "This is fantastic! Thank you, Shepard!"

Shepard was grinning when Joker asked what she could possibly have needed those audio files for. "After Mindoir, when I first moved to Arcturus, it was hard for me to get used to the noises. Colonies have their own sounds. A friend gave them to me to help me get acquainted." They were interrupted by XO Pressly's disembodied voice, letting Shepard know Anderson was available for her in the comm room. "Speak of the devil," She mumbled before speaking to the table, "On that note, I'm going to take my leave," Shepard stood and wished them a pleasant evening before heading to the stairs.

Kaidan turned and found Liara watching Shepard's retreating form, and swallowed the bitter heat in his throat before turning his attention to a smirking Ashley and Joker. Liara excused herself and made her way back to the med-bay. She had taken up residence in the back stock room after telling Shepard all she would need is an extranet terminal. Once Liara was out of earshot, and Joker had made his way to the stairs, Ashley spoke as she started clearing the table, "Careful, LT, that pretty blue devil's gonna give you a run for your money."

Kaidan said nothing, until Tali stood and started assisting Ashley, "No, Tali, Ashley is responsible for meal clean up this week," Kaidan informed her and Tali stopped and set the dishes back down. Ashley squinted at him and he maintained eye contact with a smug smirk. "It is part of her penance for back talking her Commanding Officer on the Citadel."

"Cute, L.T. Adorable, really," Ashley responded dryly. Tali bid them a good evening before walking away, knowing she had missed out on something, and not sure she wanted to know what it was. Kaidan shook his head and lifted a couple of the plates from his side of the table and took them to the kitchen area for cleaning. Ashley met him there, "I'm not trying to start trouble, I'm just trying to help."

"There is nothing to 'help' with," He argued as he turned and leaned against the sink as she stood next to him for a moment before going back to the table for more dishes. She smiled at the mess sargeant as she finished clearing the table. Kaidan and she made their way towards his station. Once they were out of earshot, he spoke again. There was no use in arguing with her, she had already picked up on the fact that he was attracted to Shepard. He let out a deep sigh as he moved to stand in front of his station and logged on. She rested against it, facing him as he spoke again, "She's my CO, even if she were interested, there are rules. It can't go anywhere."

"I'm not saying you should throw yourself at her, but I learned the hard way that you never know what's going to happen tomorrow," She said, her voice trembling slightly, and she dropped her eyes and crossed her arms over her midsection. Her voice was soft when she continued, "She won't always be your CO. There won't always be regs in the way. Don't count yourself out of the race before it's even started," She lifted her eyes to him, and he had to admit her words made sense. She smirked, any traces of sadness or regret had slid away. She knew he had heard her and taken her message to heart. She bumped him with her hip, "Now, I believe I have some vid-mails to answer."

He laughed softly and she gave him a sincere smile as she left him to his work. His shift was over, but he had started some search programs before dinner to check for information on the different types of geth they had encountered. Unfortunately, they had not returned any results. He decided he would check in with Tali, their resident geth expert, to see if she could offer any insight.

He was pleased to notice the migraine that had been building had dissipated on its own. He attributed it to the relaxed, easy company he'd been in for the last hour that had eased the tension and killed the headache before it could reach its full potential. Anytime he could beat a migraine without meds was a win in his book. He was so involved with his program, he didn't know anyone was standing with him at his station until he felt a cool hand on his arm. He jumped a little and turned to find a warm, amused smile on his COs face. He laughed at himself, "Sorry, I didn't realize you were there." He turned to face her fully, and she apologized for startling him. "Was there something I could do for you Commander? Ah- Shepard," He corrected himself with a chuckle, and was pleased when she grinned at him.

"Just wanted to pick your brain for a minute, if you're not busy," She said gesturing towards his terminal.

"Not at all," he said and motioned to the seats at the wall behind his console. "Just seeing what kind of information I can get my hands on regarding the geth we've seen."

"Any luck?" She asked as they sat.

"None. I think I might seek out Tali, and see if she can offer any insight. She has to know more than the little I'm finding," He answered, his disappointment at the lack of information was plain in his tone.

"I think she would like that, a chance to contribute outside of Engineering," Shepard agreed, and Kaidan nodded. "Any edge we can get, even a small one, could make a big difference later," She looked up at him and then chuckled at herself, "But I don't have to tell you that." She looked away from him then, and was silent for a minute.

"Did you need something, Shepard?" He asked her and she looked up at him.

"Yeah, sorry, wanted to check in and get your opinion on our new crew member. I feel like most of the crew is still wary of her," Shepard admitted, turning in the chair and tucking a leg up under her.

"Liara?" He asked and she nodded. "She seems nice enough, I guess, if you like the bookish sort," He commented, attempting to gauge her interest in the Asari.

She cocked an eyebrow at him, "Any intentions there, Lieutenant? I know how much you appreciated the uh, 'view' at Chora's Den." She replied, sardonically. Her question, and her tone, surprised him.

"Uh, no, Shepard. No intentions. Chora's Den… that was just art appreciation. I prefer more … adventurous women," He answered, and their eye contact deepened for a second until she nodded and looked away. "I do think she's genuine when she says she doesn't know what her mother has been up to," He admitted and watched the relief fall over her face.

"Me too," She confessed, her breathy tone was like a release of pent up concern. "For a moment, I thought she might have been pulling the wool over my eyes. I feel a little better knowing you're seeing what I am. At least, if she's fooling me I'm not alone," A smirk tugged at her lips.

"She seems so young, almost naïve, it's hard to remember sometimes that she's older than both of us combined," He remarked as she lifted a hand and toyed with a loose piece of hair, twirling it around her fingers. "I guess, though, considering our life spans, we have to do a lot more living in a shorter amount of time."

"That's an interesting way of looking at it, I hadn't considered it like that. She's over one hundred years old and hasn't even considered children. I'm almost 30 and on a colony I'd be expected to have at least three by now," She admitted distantly, as she tucked the stray hair back into her bun.

"With your shooting tutor?" Kaidan asked with a smirk. When she laughed, it sent a rush of pleasure to his core.

"No, he … the raid," She said shaking her head, amazingly still grinning. Silence fell on them then but, surprisingly, it wasn't uncomfortable. "Convenient, though, that she's an expert in the Protheans," Shepard commented, then as if she was still working through the pieces of the puzzle, she added before Kaidan could, "However, I'm sure that's why the Saren sent the geth after her."

Kaidan nodded and noticed the stray hair had fallen out of the bun again, his fingers itched to reach up and push it back. If she weren't his CO, he would have done it already, "Maybe she'll be able to help you with the visions from the beacon," He said, hating the guilt that built up immediately as she winced.

"I'll tell you one thing, after talking to her, I'm definitely glad I was able to get you out of the way in time," She commented absently as she reached up and pulled the pins out of her hair, letting it fall.

"What do you mean?" He asked, as he ignored the pleasantly familiar scent he was beginning to associate with her as it seemed to spill from her hair as she combed it with her fingers.

"Well, from what she said, it sounds like I was lucky to have survived the beacon's imprint. Who knows what would have happened to you if I hadn't gotten to you in time. I guess, I'm glad it was me," She answered, as their eyes connected again. He could see the sincerity there, and felt warmed by it.

"If we're looking for a silver lining, we can go with that. I just wish I had known better than to get near to it in the first place," He said with a shrug. "I have to imagine it's not comfortable."

"Shit in one hand, wish in the other and see which one fills up first," Shepard said, a distant look in her eyes and Kaidan felt his face break into a smile.

"Where did that come from?" He asked and her eyes turned to him, and nostalgic smile gracing her features.

"Something my grandmother used to say. Seriously though, I've been through worse. My gram's point was you shouldn't make wishes about things you can't change yourself. Like I said before, you had no idea what would happen and all you did was walk towards it," She softly reprimanded him, "Besides, now we know what Saren knows and I'm grateful for that," She eased his concerns. "And stop making me repeat myself," She scolded with mock annoyance.

"Yes, Ma'am," He teased, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"Goddamn it, Alenko," They laughed again. Kaidan noticed as they spoke that she seemed a little more open when it was one on one than when they were in a group. He was grateful that she would seek him out and was glad that he'd been able to ease some of her concerns, and maybe even help her work through her own thoughts. She pinned her hair back up. It was a simple act, pinning up her hair, but it distracted him momentarily. Kaidan was amazed by it. She had a lot of hair, and was able to get it all back and up with just four small pins and without seeing what she was doing. "You know, I did some digging into Jump Zero," She said, and Kaidan grinned, there was no way she would find anything, no matter who she spoke to.

"Oh yeah?" He asked, "Find anything?" He was still grinning,

"Not yet," She admitted, "It's pretty well classified."

"That's cause, as far as the Alliance is concerned, it never happened," Kaidan answered with a shrug.

"Well, I'm not done looking," She said, and Kaidan could sense the determination in her voice and in the firm set of her brow, even if she was grinning spectacularly. He wished her luck, and she stood. "I should go plot out our next stop." Kaidan nodded, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped as his eyes followed her. He asked her where they were headed. "Feros. There's been some geth activity there, and the colony has dropped out of contact," She answered, and he nodded.

She wished him a good night and turned on her heel. He sat for another moment and watched her walk away. He entertained the thought that maybe he didn't need Ashley's help. His terminal sounded then, bringing his attention back to the program. He stood, and checked the results: still nothing. He sent a message to Tali, asking her to let him know when she had some time free to go over what he had picked up. The response was almost immediate, he smiled at her eagerness and transferred the information to his omni'tool before powering down his terminal and heading down to Engineering. He would like to be able to provide Shepard with some more information on the geth the next time she sought him out. He hoped it would be sooner rather than later.