Author's Note: Thanks for taking the time to read. Please review. Enjoy. - TLC
Chapter Thirteen
It was late when they returned to the ship and the night cycle skeleton crew were at their stations as the ground team moved through the CIC and down to the elevator at the crew deck level. After boarding the Normandy, Shepard had given them thirty minutes to clean up before the debriefing in the comm room. Kaidan had to admit he felt a sense of relief as Joker piloted the ship away from Feros. He had no regrets leaving the experience of the Thorian behind them.
As they waited for Shepard, the room was filled with the soft hum of conversation. His attention went to Garrus and Tali as they discussed the pros and cons of their respective omni-tools. It was reassuring to have squadmates who could appreciate and knowledgeably talk tech with him. Ashley and Wrex were discussing their favorite shotguns, and she laughed loudly at something Wrex said. His deep rumbling chuckle followed. Considering the day they had, it was refreshing to talk about something other than the mission for a few minutes. The door to the comm room whispered open, and Liara breezed in light on her feet and took an empty seat.
Seconds later, Shepard entered still looking a little worse for the wear. Kaidan had the suspicion she hadn't taken the personal time to clean herself up since they had returned. The room fell silent with as the Commander's presence filled it. Everyone sat a little straighter as she leaned against the comm controls and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes glued to the floor. "Shepard, are you alright?" Liara asked, her voice was soft and concerned and Shepard lifted her eyes to hers, "You look… pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the Cipher?"
"It wasn't the most comfortable experience," She admitted quietly, "it shook me up a bit." She scrubbed her hands over her face before crossing her arms over her front again.
"I might be able to help you," Liara offered and Shepard looked to her, hope filling her eyes. "If I join my consciousness to yours maybe we can make some sense of it, together," She explained and Shepard's eyes dropped away again as she considered her options.
"Isn't that how you… mate?" Wrex's gravel tone rang out sounding oddly amused. Kaidan felt a burning discomfort in his core.
Liara glared at the Krogan, and then turned a softened gaze to Shepard, "It is a similar process, yes, but I would not be delving as deep into your psyche. I would not be accessing your genetics. It is no different than what Shiala did to give you the Cipher," Liara explained and Shepard closed her eyes with a sigh and considered her options. Kaidan had to admit, he didn't like the idea of anyone else prying their way into her brain. It seemed so violating.
"I don't see as I have much choice," She muttered as she opened her eyes, "We don't have a lot of time to wait for me to figure this out on my own," She sighed and pushed herself away from the controls as Liara stood and took a few steps closer to her. "Just, don't get me pregnant," Shepard attempted a joke to lighten the room.
Liara flushed purple, "I couldn't get you pregnant, it would be me, I mean… Shepard, you have to know I would never violate your trust in that way," Liara answered, her voice thick with sincerity. Once again, she missed the humor being attempted which only allowed the awkward tension in the room to grow nearly palpable.
Shepard sighed deeply, her eyes flicking to Kaidan quickly, he was surprised that she seemed nervous, "Let's just get this over with."
Liara took a couple deep breaths. Reluctantly, Shepard looked back to the Asari, who spoke with authority for the first time since they met her, "Relax, Commander. Embrace eternity!"
It was just as it had been before, with Shiala, except Shepard's body trembled a little as she stood before the Asari while Liara pried herself into the Commander's mind. Her face held the same painful tension, and it seemed as if only her balled up fists and pressed lips held back her scream. Thankfully, it was over quickly. As soon as Shepard's eyes opened again, she stumbled back a few steps until she reached the control panel. She leaned on it for support as one hand went to her forehead. Liara stood straight and still with her eyes open wide. The look of euphoric excitement on Liara's face angered Kaidan, and he hoped she wasn't just using this as a way to learn more about the Protheans.
"That was, incredible! All this time, all my research, yet, I never dreamed…" Liara's voice held a level of enjoyment that was clearly lacking from Shepard's response.
"Shepard, are you-…" Kaidan started to stand, and Shepard waved him off shaking her head slowly. Liara turned her attention back to the Commander who had grown paler with the meld, and Kaidan hadn't thought that would have been possible.
"I am sorry, the images were so vivid! I never imagined the experience would be so … intense," Liara offered an apology.
"Tell me about it," Shepard mumbled, and Kaidan refused to look away from her.
"You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. What you have been through, what you have seen, would have destroyer a lesser mind," Liara commented, and Shepard's eyes flicked to Kaidan again. He swallowed hard, forcing down the regret as he reminded himself of her words from their last conversation, 'I'm glad it was me.' She had said. He wondered if she still felt that way.
"Did you see anything that could help us?" Ashley asked, taking a turn in directing the conversation.
Liara let out a sigh, "The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into the commander's mind is… incomplete."
Shepard sighed, and the disappointment was written in her face and her dropped shoulders, "So, all that was for nothing? You didn't come across any kind of clue or hint? Something we might have missed?" she asked, a burning, angry desperation in her voice and Kaidan winced.
"Everything I saw, you already know. You were right about the Reapers. The Protheans were destroyed by them. It is obvious there is a connection between the Reapers, the Protheans and the Conduit, but I saw nothing that would help us find it. I was able to interpret the data through your vision. What was there, at least, but something was missing. Saren must have the missing information. Maybe he has another beacon, if we can find the missing data, I can…" Liara's voice trailed off as she lost her balance. "I am sorry, the joining… I am exhausted. I should go to the medical bay and lie down for a moment."
Shepard nearly growled, "We're done here, dismissed." Kaidan could appreciate her frustration, and wondered if maybe they shouldn't have brought the civilian Asari with them. Shepard turned her back on the room, and braced herself with her hands on the control console. Kaidan had remained seated to see if Shepard needed anything else from him, but Joker intervened and informed her the Feros report had been submitted to the council and she requested he patch them in to her so she could brief them.
The stress and length of the day seemed to settle on each member of the crew as they left the comm room and descended to the crew deck. Kaidan returned to his station and tried to let himself get lost in his reporting, but he couldn't. He looked up to the med bay and saw Liara being tended to by Dr. Chakwas. Tali, Garrus and Wrex were waiting for the elevator to take them down to the cargo bay and engineering. Garrus seemed to be standing at full height. The tension visible in his rigid spine. Tali was slouching and, for once, she was standing stone still. Her excited energy had been dispelled with the knowledge that they hadn't really gained any leads on Saren. Wrex seemed to be scowling, but it was hard to tell whether that was his reaction to the meeting or just his harsh personality showing plainly on his face.
As the elevator door closed on the trio, Shepard came down the stairs from the CIC. Kaidan watched as she briskly crossed through the mess and entered the medbay. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He was glad she was letting Chakwas check her injuries. He submitted his report and powered down his station. Before he knew where he was going, he found himself in the cockpit with Joker. He found Ashley there, sitting sideways in the co-pilots chair. She looked up at him when he entered, and her conversation with Joker stalled. Joker looked behind him and spotted Kaidan. He turned his attention back to his console as Ashley stood. She said good night to the pair, and Kaidan took the seat she had vacated.
The Flight Lieutenant looked at him once he was sitting in the co-pilot's chair and released a deep sigh. "Hell of a day, huh?" Joker asked after a quiet moment. Kaidan mumbled his assent. "Maybe next time we touch down, let's try not to park the ship in a colony of mutant zombies. Just, ya know, thinking out loud here," Joker added as his hands whirled over the controls. Kaidan let out a reluctant chuckle.
"Hopefully, there won't be any more colonies of mutant zombies in our future," Kaidan responded as he logged into the console. He was grateful that Joker fell silent then, and Kaidan let himself get lost as he monitored the code in front of him. Time seemed to pass quickly as his thoughts focused on the information scrolling over the display, and away from the mission and the Commander. It wasn't until he felt himself relax and his eyes begin to droop that he realized the trajectory of the ship was off from what he expected their next stop to be. He thought they would be heading back to the Citadel to restock and refuel before taking up the next lead, "Joker, what is our next destination?"
"Uh, the Commander has us heading back to Artemis Tau," Joker answered, his voice distracted as the relief pilot, McBanes, joined them in the cockpit. Kaidan's tone was stunned when he asked Joker why. "Shepard tells me where to go, Alenko, not why we're going there." He answered as McBanes handed Joker his crutches. Joker stood slowly and wished Kaidan and McBanes a good night as he left the post. Kaidan stood and offered McBanes a good evening before following in Joker's path moments later.
He made it down to the mess and stopped before heading to the sleeper pods. He went to his station and retrieved some of the tea Dr. Chakwas had given him. The news that they were headed away from the Citadel had woken his mind again, and he felt he needed the additional assistance to get to sleep. Once his tea had steeped he took it to the mess and sat. He leaned forward and let the steam brush against his face as he inhaled the aromatics with a deep breath. He almost didn't hear the soft sigh of Commander Shepard's door opening. He lifted his eyes, and found her walking towards the kitchen area with her own tea bag in hand.
She was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants, her hair was damp and fell straight down her back. Kaidan felt relieved when he realized she had finally showered and changed out of the underclothes that were ruined on Feros. It felt like days ago that he had bandaged her wounds and the fact that it had been just hours ago was a startling realization. She turned a few moments later, and seemed surprised when her eyes fell on him. She made her way over to his table, and with a gesture asked if she could join him.
He kicked out a chair for her, and barely smiled as she sat across from him. She lifted her feet onto the chair next to him allowing herself to lounge back. He was surprised that she still looked pale, and her eyes were tinged with pain. It was a look he recognized, so he spoke softly when he asked, "Are you well?"
She sighed, and stretched her neck side to side, "Yeah… well, I'll be alright. Got a bit of a headache still. I thought a hot shower would help but…" She trailed off as he pushed himself away from the table and moved to stand next to her, she watched him with a raised eyebrow, looking up through her lashes at him.
"I've got some experience with those, let me see if I can help," He offered as he leaned against the table, facing her, and rubbed his hands together to warm them.
She let herself smirk and Kaidan noticed a gleam in her eye as she asked, "You have experience with hot showers?"
He laughed gently, "Some, yeah, but that's a conversation for another day. Headaches. I have experience with headaches," He answered. "Let me try something that, well, sometimes it helps with my migraines." She shrugged and brought down her legs as she turned to face him. He stepped closer to her, his legs brushing against her knees and he felt her eyes on him as he reached out almost tentatively to touch her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and ran them behind her head to the back of her neck. He moved his hands to the bottom of her skull just under her the site of her implant. Kaidan knew from experience that this was an overly sensitive area on any biotic so he wasn't surprised by the gooseflesh that chased his touch. Her damp hair was heavy and cool against his hands. He slowly moved his fingers out until he found a small indentation. She let out a soft sigh, and her eyes drifted closed as he pressed in on the point. Kaidan smirked. "Tilt your head back," He whispered, and she obeyed. "Be sure to breathe deeply," He added gently and continued the pressure in silence for the next few minutes.
Her skin was soft, and warm. He found himself with an interesting vantage point. She had a dusting of freckles over her nose and under her eyes. There was the scar everyone had seen stretching from her right eyebrow, across the bridge of her nose and onto her left cheek, but there were other scars too; smaller, less noticeable. He noticed a soft blush creeping on her cheeks as he continued the pressure on the points and the memorization of her features. He moved his thumbs to her temples and he began to massage them in circles. He could see the tension leaving her face, though her skin still felt feverish. She had long eyelashes, and they rested on her cheeks as she continued to breathe deeply. Her mouth forming a circle with each exhale. He stretched his hands out and, while keeping his fingers on the pressure point at the base of her skull, let his thumbs run smoothly and firmly over her brow.
Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she inhaled through her nose. He bit the inside of his cheek to remind himself not to watch her mouth. Then his gaze lowered and he found himself admiring the way her long, pale neck was exposed. Standing this close to her, fresh from a shower, he was distracted by the familiar fragrance that filled the air between them. His thumbs slipped over her forehead before he moved them back to her temples. A barely audible moan left her throat and brought him back to the moment. Her cheeks were a much darker pink now, and he knew he had to back away, put some distance between them. He did, slowly removing his hands from her heated skin. He dropped them to his sides, and they clenched into fists as if to hold on to the feeling of her soft skin against his calloused hands as he stepped away from her. He pulled out the chair next to her and sat. He enjoyed the charge that had been created in the air between them during the passed moments, and he didn't want to move away from her.
"Wow, Alenko, with hands like that I might have to take you home with me," She stated as her eyes opened and she looked at him. He was seated now, next to her and paused at her words, freezing over the table as he reached for his tea. His eyes turned to her; his own eyebrow raised. It seemed to take a minute for her to realize what she had implied and it wasn't until she noticed his smirk that she tried to back pedal. "I mean, you know what I mean," She brushed off the comment with a wave of her hand and hid her embarrassment in her mug of tea.
"No, I don't, but we can talk about that another day, too," He chuckled and settled back in the seat next to her. "Did that help?" He asked.
"Yeah, actually," She stretched her neck to each side. "Thank you," He nodded at her.
"I learned some tricks dealing with the L2," He offered. "Are headaches a common side effect from … I don't know what they call it. Whatever it was Liara did to you?"
She turned to face him and crossed her legs at the ankle tucking them beneath her chair. He couldn't help but notice how small she seemed, if he didn't know better he'd use the word dainty. "I don't know, embracing eternity seems to leave quite a bit to be desired on my end," She answered sipping her tea, and looking at him over the edge of her mug. They locked eyes and Kaidan felt like there was more to it than that. They were silent for a moment, and she set the mug down, their eyes still connected. She looked away and toyed with the tag from her tea that hung out of her mug. "When I close my eyes now, I just see… I see the Protheans. I see what happened to them. It's awful and now… Now they're coming for us," She was whispering.
Kaidan was caught off guard at the sudden sign of doubt. On the ground, in a fight, she's calm, calculated. Cold. It's hard to remember that she is also a woman, a human, with real emotions; Not a machine. He felt almost proud that she felt comfortable enough with him to let him see this side of her. "We'll stop Saren, and the Reapers," He answered and she looked up with a gentle smile. She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Well, I don't know how but we will." She laughed softly and they fell into a comfortable silence. "Joker says we're heading back to Artemis Tau, may I ask why?"
She cleared her throat before answering, "I got a message from Rear Admiral Kahoku." Her eyes were on the table and she tapped her fingers next to her mug, her other arm around her abdomen, "A group of his marines went missing in the system and he had heard we were out this way and asked me to look into it. I figured we could pass it by on our way back to the Citadel so, why not?" She explained and Kaidan nodded. He respected the fact that she was willing to help the Alliance when asked, even though she didn't answer directly to them anymore. "I asked Anderson about BAaT," She admitted after a silent moment, lifting her eyes to his. He raised an eyebrow at her in response as he drank his tea, "He told me to stop looking into it."
He locked eyes with her, and let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding before he spoke, "That is because the Alliance made mistakes," He found himself talking about it without deciding to tell her, "After first contact, the company Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in 'experts,' instead of taking it slow," He paused and she asked why they couldn't learn on our own as she sipped her tea. "They didn't know where to start. Hell, it took a couple years to even link biotics and eezo, forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs. Their choice of teachers didn't help much."
"If we were bringing in experts, it had to have been aliens," She guessed.
"Dead on. Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think about us asking the Turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them," Kaidan explained, he found it easier and easier to talk about as he opened up. He had to assume the ease with which the information poured from him was simply because he was talking to her. He had never spoken about this before, except to the therapists he had been required to see when he enlisted. His parents didn't even know all the details.
"Wouldn't the Asari have been more acceptable than the Turians?" She asked, and Kaidan appreciated her understanding of the situation.
"Naturally, but the company didn't go through the Citadel. It would have made Earth look weak. So they discreetly hired some Turian mercenaries," She winced visibly, and he chuckled grimly. "They brought in an ex-military Turian named Commander Vyrnnus who would introduce himself by saying, 'I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father.'" Shepard shook her head and lifted her tea again, "I told him my dad wasn't in the war. He'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront. He didn't appreciate my backtalk and Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. A lot of kids snapped; a few died."
"What happened to the program?" She asked, and it was Kaidan's turn to look away. Shame burned under his collar. "It was closed down before I would have been sent there and you're not that much older than me," The honest curiosity in her tone broke the last of his reservations and he sighed.
"There was an incident, ah, with Vyrnnus and me. He hurt Rahna; broke her arm. She just, she reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. I didn't know what I was going to do… just something and Vyrnnus lost it. He beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the Stone Age. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face," He paused and without thinking his hand came up and traced the scar that cut through his lips. Shepard shifted and leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her thighs. He glanced up and locked eyes with her. The concern on her face, stirred something deep in his chest. His voice was hoarse when he continued, "I cut loose, Shepard. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something."
She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his arm. He could feel the chill of her touch through his shirt, "You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing."
"Maybe my intentions were noble, but… I lost control. I killed him, Shepard," Kaidan explained, and Shepard's face betrayed her surprise. "I snapped his neck. They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough, but they didn't. It caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened," He finished and lifted his tea to finish it. She pulled her hand away and the loss of her touch left a burning heat on his arm. She asked about Rahna, and Kaidan sighed.
"Rahna? Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that."
"Why?" She asked and Kaidan chuckled at the surprise in her tone.
"Rahna… she had a gentle heart. She loved everyone and Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her. After what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too," Kaidan explained, and was surprised at the look of understanding that passed over her features. "What?"
"That's why you stay on the defensive with your biotics," He was silent when he thought about it. "You're afraid you're going to scare people away from you, like you scared Rahna."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I want to be trustworthy, and I don't want to lose control," He agreed, and she sighed. He looked to her, and was taken aback again at the plain assessment in her eyes.
"I think it will start with you trusting yourself," She said, and her voice was soft and gentle. "If you have a fear of your abilities, it would be difficult for others to trust you and your control," She suggested and he chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered her words.
"Maybe you're right," He conceded, breathing deeply.
"I am," She said with a chuckle, "Your biotics have already saved my ass more than once, I'm not second guessing you. You shouldn't second guess yourself either." She stood and his eyes followed her. "It's late, and we both need sleep after today," She reminded him, and at her words he stifled a yawn. He stood and collected their empty mugs taking them to the sink. They took the few steps to cross the mess together, and when it came time for them to part, him to the sleeper pods, and her to her quarters, she spoke, "Lights out, Lieutenant," The use of his title seemed like an attempt to inject some formality into the moment, but it was lost on him as she looked up at him. The soft lighting of the dimmed ship reflecting in her sleepy blue eyes.
"Yes, Ma'am," He answered her and she chuckled at the teasing tone and dropped her eyes from him and turned on her heel to head to her cabin. "Good night, Shepard," He called to her as she walked away. She waved over her shoulder before the door whispered closed behind her. Talking about the events at BAaT had been more cathartic than he had expected it to be, and he was more relaxed now than he had been since leaving the cockpit.
He had to wonder if it was expelling his story, or Shepard's company. Then again, it was probably Chakwas's tea. He locked himself in his sleeper pod, and lowered his lights. As he drifted off to sleep, he could still smell the soft floral fragrance that she wore. His hands clenched and opened at his sides as he tried not to think about the way her skin felt. The bright blue of her eyes reflected in his memory. Thankfully, sleep took him quickly.