Author's Note: Sorry it took longer to get this chapter up. I needed to make sure I was happy with it. I would love to hear what you think, so please leave a review. Enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Sixteen
Kaidan was in the co-pilot's seat with Joker early the next morning when Shepard returned to the ship. He kept his eyes on the console as Shepard moved and stood behind the pilot's chair. "Set a course for Noveria," She ordered, and Kaidan hazarded a glance over his shoulder. She was standing at parade rest; back straight, hands folded behind her. She looked refreshed but still tense, and she kept her eyes glued to Joker's console as he pulled the ship away from the docks. Kaidan blamed the flash of vertigo on the ship moving away from the station and nothing else. He looked back to his console, "Travel time?" She asked Joker.
"Ah, eighteen hours," Joker replied, sounding slightly distracted though still professional.
"Very well," Shepard answered, "When we reach the Pax system it will be the middle of their night. So, we'll have a few hours before we can land. I'd like you to scan the nearby planets on the way. Engineer Adams was looking for some raw materials. Get with him and see what you can find," She ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," Joker answered, sounding a little put off by the coldness in her tone.
"Alenko, gather up the team and meet me in the comm room," She dictated and Kaidan didn't look at her, yet he could feel her gaze burning into his back. He answered in the affirmative and felt the heaviness of her presence for another moment before she left them alone.
"Wonder what crawled up her ass," Joker muttered, and Kaidan offered no response as he sent the message to Williams and the others. He stood to leave and Joker wished him luck as he left the cockpit to make his way through the CIC. He felt unreasonably anxious. He tried not to let himself dwell on Shepard's attitude; which was easier said than done. As he reached the comm room, the rest of the group were coming up from the stairs. They were quiet as they entered and took their seats. Ashley sent a curious look towards Kaidan, who shrugged minimally. Shepard was facing away from them, dressed in her BDUs and her back was hunched as she leaned over with her hands on the control console.
There was a thick silence in the room, and the group exchanged anxious glances and fidgeted as they waited for Shepard to speak. She turned then, folded her arms over her midsection, and leaned back. "The Council has reports of geth on Noveria, so we're heading there to look into it," Shepard informed them, "Alenko and Tali, I've reviewed the reports you've already submitted. Now, I'd like you to work together and combine all the information we have on the geth. Also, see if there isn't more information out there. The geth are not moving around without being seen. I would like you to focus your search on what other technology they may have so we're not so surprised," She ordered and Kaidan looked to the Quarian who nodded. He knew Tali and he already had a lot of information together, but it did seem as if every time they encountered them there were new machines with different tactics. "Williams, Noveria is frozen, and barely habitable. I need the weapons checked and modified to ensure they won't freeze up while we're planetside. Wrex, if you wouldn't mind assisting her," They looked to each other, shifting in their seats and nodded. "Vakarian…"
"Yeah, yeah, the Mako," He nodded, his tone less than enthused, and waved her off. Shepard's face broke into a seemingly affectionate smile and Kaidan felt a rush of warmth through his center. He watched as she turned her attention to Liara and when her eyes reached the Asari, her face lost all traces of humor. Kaidan felt his anxiety return tenfold.
"Liara," Shepard's voice was gentle, and the Asari's eyes lifted quickly to meet hers. "There are also reports of an Asari Matriarch at the compound."
"Benezia," Liara breathed out her mother's name and Shepard nodded.
"I would like to bring you with me planetside. If she is there, maybe you'll be able to reason with her," Shepard said and Liara was nodding as her face paled to a dusty light blue. "I need to know, though, before it's even an issue, if it comes down to shooting me or shooting your mother… I need to know I'm not going to end up with a bullet in my back," Shepard stated, without removing her eyes from Liara's face. It wasn't even a question; not really, Shepard was just stating a fact. There was a dense tension in the air as they waited for Liara's answer.
"Yes, Shepard, you can trust me. Benezia may be my mother, but she is not acting like the woman who raised me. I do not know who she is anymore. I am on your side. You can trust me," She answered and her voice held more conviction than anyone had expected and Kaidan felt bolstered by it as he looked back to Shepard.
"Okay," Shepard said and nodded after a long, silent moment; her eyes moving over the group. "Due to the compound's restrictions, I can only take one other person with me. I don't like being told I have to leave most of my crew on the ship, but we need to avoid an incident. That being said, Alenko, it has to be you. I'll need your tech and I can't reasonably leave behind the medic," She ordered with an unexpected explanation which muzzled Ashley's forthcoming argument.
"Yes, Ma'am," He answered as her eyes finally met his, and he was surprised when he thought he saw a flash of humor behind them at the formal response. After an all too brief connection, she turned her attention back to the group. She dismissed the room, and turned her back again lifting her omni-tool. The group left and went together down to the crew deck.
"Kaidan," Tali's trill rang out behind him as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He stopped and looked over his shoulder before turning the rest of the way towards her. "Did you want to come down to Engineering or should I come up here?" She asked him. He gestured to the seats behind his console and suggested they work up here, where it was quieter and she agreed. "I'll run down and get my datapads. I'll be back in a few," He nodded and offered her a smile as she bounced away. She had really come out of her shell. Shepard was right. It had done her good to give her a way to contribute more directly to the hunt for Saren.
He reached his console and powered it up, syncing his omni-tool and opening the files he had already gathered. He thought about the information they had just been given. He wondered if the mission on Noveria would escalate the way Shepard thought it would; if Benezia would actually raise a weapon to her daughter. He had to admit, when she had started talking about only being able to take one other person with her, he was surprised by the anxiety he had felt. He didn't think he could sit still if she had left him behind. He had grown accustomed to watching her back during the missions and he didn't trust anyone else to do it. The thought of someone else standing in his spot behind her made his stomach roll.
He smelled her before he heard her, and breathed deep the light floral scent before he lifted his eyes and saw Shepard heading his way. She stopped in front of him, and he turned to face her, "Shepard," He greeted gently. Her face remained passive when she told him she was just checking in. "Everything's fine. Do you have a minute?" He asked her, searching her face for something. He wasn't even sure what he was looking for, she just seemed so detached.
"Sure, what can I do for you?" She asked him, looking almost pointedly over his shoulder instead of at him directly. He gestured to the seats behind his station. They sat, and she kept her body faced away from him and leaned forward resting her arms on her knees, her hands clasped in front of her. She kept her eyes down. She was being attentive but not connecting, and the frustration burned in his chest. He voiced the question that had been on his mind since the meeting: if she truly believed they would have to kill Benezia. She was silent for a minute, and then turned just her head to look at him, "At this point, I'd just as soon kill everyone and sort it out after," She admitted, a frozen severity coating her tone. He stared at her, surprised by her answer. He was taken aback by the honesty in her tone.
"Do you mean that?" He asked her quietly, and instantly her face softened and her shoulders dropped slightly. It was like she had surrendered to something. She turned in her seat to face him, bringing one leg up underneath her.
"No… Yes... Maybe sometimes," She answered with a deep sigh, the indecision shone brightly in her eyes when they finally met his. "Yes, I think it's possible we will have to kill Benezia and as much as I want to believe Liara I don't know if I can trust her in that moment. It's her mother," She looked away from him again and shrugged, "I spoke with Anderson some more and I just have a sinking feeling that it's going to come down to a fight to the death," She answered, "and while I don't enjoy killing people, I don't plan on losing." Her hands were twisting in her lap, an unnatural sign of nerves.
He chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered his words, "One thing the situation with Vyrnnus taught me is to always leave a way out," She looked up at him again, "He cut corners, and the kids he was there to teach suffered. Just remember, that when you cut corners it's not always clear who ends up paying for it. Remember to leave yourself a way out," His voice was quiet, he knew, but it sounded loud in his ears as she held his gaze.
"Do you think I'm cutting corners or … is there something I can do to help you get over that stuff with BAaT? I guess I don't understand your point," She admitted softly, her brow creased.
"No, Shepard, I'm thirty-two. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. I'm saying I agree with you and when the shit hits the fan, I want you to know I'm here to help you," He paused, and waited a heated moment before he leaned in closer to her, his voice dropping slightly in volume and timbre, "I'm saying, when someone special to you is up on a ledge, you help them. You try to keep them from making mistakes," He explained his motives, and realized he may have said too much as her eyes shot down and she picked at a torn cuticle.
"Special, huh?" She asked quietly, her voice almost hoarse, as if his words confirmed a suspicion. He studied her profile while she kept her eyes on her hands.
"If I'm out of line, just say the word," He said just as softly, offering her the out. He wished she would look at him. He wished he could watch her reaction to his admission. His hand itched to reach out and lift her face towards his, to make her look at him, to feel her soft skin in his hands again.
"You're not out of line, it's just…"
"Kaidan, are you ready to – Oh! Commander," Tali had returned with her arms full of datapads and Kaidan's heart was pounding wildly against his ribs when he realized what Shepard had been saying. He silently cursed the Quarian's timing and when Kaidan looked up at her, she nearly dropped everything she was holding. He stood quickly and caught them. "Sorry, I can come back," She offered shyly as Shepard stood and Kaidan turned towards the Commander, hoping his frustration wasn't plainly written on his face.
"No, it's fine. We'll talk later, Alenko," She said and forced a smile. He asked her to think about what he said and she promised she would. She turned on her heel and disappeared into her quarters. Kaidan sighed but not loudly and turned his attention back to Tali who had already started talking about the information stored on the datapads and the best way to combine everything to make it as accessible as possible, even in battle. She was completely oblivious to the weight of the conversation she had interrupted. Kaidan wondered absently when later would be.
As he worked with Tali, he had to admit he was constantly surprised by her vast knowledge and found he appreciated her enthusiasm like a breath of fresh spring air after a long harsh winter. It wasn't just knowledge of the geth, either. She had written a program that would scan their systems and combine the information for them while they continued to actively research more sightings. They discussed the code she had created. The amount of work the program could do with such a simple code amazed Kaidan. As they reached the end of their research, she started their standard debate on omni-tools and which company had the best model.
The day had passed by quickly with the day shift ending a couple hours earlier. Kaidan and Tali had eaten dinner while working at his station. They were proud to admit they were able to dig up some additional information on geth they hadn't encountered yet. They submitted the results of their work to Shepard and shortly after had received a response by message that simply read, "Nice Work – Shep." At that, Tali had taken her leave and went back down to engineering. Once the task was deemed complete, he had gone down to the cargo bay for a work out.
With the distraction of his assignment over, he stressed over the last conversation he had with Shepard. He wondered if he had gone too far, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He had simply vocalized things he was sure she had already been aware of. She is special to him; she is his CO. Maybe he could plausibly deny any other meaning. He knew it would be fruitless, he wasn't that difficult to read. With a frustrated grunt, he finished his sets with the free weights and went to the crew deck for a quick shower. He washed quickly within the time he was allowed and, thankfully, it was long enough to relax his overworked muscles. Once he finished in the showers, he made his way over to his locker. On his way his stomach growled loudly and he realized how much time had passed since dinner. Between his biotic appetite and the workout, he would need to refuel before he would be able to sleep. Unfortunately, the mess sergeant had closed down the kitchen and gone to bed.
He opened the small fridge and found some version of steak and genetically engineered potatoes and vegetables. He wondered for a moment if it would be missed, and then decided he would risk it. There wasn't much left, and as he considered the meals they had this week he assumed it was most likely leftovers from the stew they had for lunch the day before. With a mischievous grin, he pulled the ingredients out and set them on the counter. He found a few spices, a frying pan and a knife and went to work on the small meal. He was able to not think for a while as he focused on preparing the food. The sizzle of the meat in the pan and the aromas of the vegetables and spices made his mouth water.
He poured the mix into a large bowl and turned, "Got enough to share with your fellow biotic?" Shepard asked from her spot leaning against the wall at the entrance to the kitchen area. Kaidan nearly dropped the bowl of food. She laughed softly, and her eyes sparkled as she walked towards the counter.
"I guess this means I won't be written up for taking the extra food?" He asked as he turned around to grab another bowl. When he turned towards her again, he watched her eyes return to his face from his torso and he felt his pulse pause as he remembered he was in a faded, worn out Alliance tank top and his sleeping shorts which hung loosely off his hips. When their eyes locked, her lip was pinched between her teeth, and he let himself smirk. His eyes moved, shamelessly, down to her clothes. She was back in her sweat suit, though the hoodie was unzipped and revealed a loose fitting Alliance issue top that hung low on her chest. It showed enough to be enticing without being inappropriate. Her hair was twisted in a loose, messy braid and pulled forward over one shoulder. She sat, and when his eyes moved back to her face, he was pleased with the gentle blush that adorned her cheeks. He set the bowl and fork down in front of her before sitting across from her.
"I won't tell if you won't tell," She whispered as she lifted her fork. They paused, eyes locked for a long moment. He knew the statement had been about the food, though he felt his heart jump at the innuendo.
"Scout's honor," He promised, his voice husky, and she dropped her eyes to the meal. He watched as she pierced a chunk of red meat and lifted it to her full lips. She blew lightly on the food, and he felt almost jealous as her lips touched the steak to test the temperature. He swallowed hard as he watched her mouth take in the forkful of food, her eyes closed and a quiet moan left her. His lips turned up in a smile as her jaw worked. When her eyes opened and found his, he dropped them to his own food and he joined her in eating.
"Where did you learn to cook?" She asked him, speaking delicately around a mouthful of food as she stood and went to the fridge. He turned and watched her over his shoulder as she squatted and dug around towards the back of the appliance. She pulled out a carton and set it on the empty countertop before reaching high for two glasses. Her shirt rode up on her midsection as she stood on her toes and reached. Kaidan admired the flash of pale skin before she brought her arms down, this time unaware of his appraisal. She filled them each half way before returning the carton to its hiding place in the back of the fridge. She turned and set one of the glasses down in front of him on the counter and sipped the white liquid as she walked around to her seat.
"Classes at BAaT," He confessed quickly, his tone curious. "What is-"
"Milk," She interrupted him.
"Real milk? From a cow?" He asked, incredulously, as he lifted the glass to his lips and sipped. She raised an eyebrow and he closed his eyes as the ice cold, thick beverage coated his tongue and did something amazing to the spices from the meal he had already eaten.
"Being the first human Spectre has its advantages," She said as she shrugged her eyebrows and he grinned at her and set the glass down.
"I don't remember the last time I had real milk," He added, disbelief in his tone as he resumed his meal. They ate then in silence, stealing glances at each other between bites. There was something nice about this; sitting with her. The ship was quiet, just the dull hum of the drive core beneath their feet. It seemed so normal. It was as if, for a moment, they could pretend they weren't soldiers. They were just two people enjoying a meal together. He let himself entertain that thought, however fleeting. He was done eating before she was, and he watched her as she finished. The contentment that passed over her face as she finished and smiled warmed him. "Satisfied?" He asked.
"For now," She answered as she wrapped her hands around her glass of milk. He clenched his jaw and reached over to grab her empty bowl. He turned and washed them quickly. He could feel her watching him, and it made his heart race. The blood was rushing through his veins, and he took a deep slow breath before turning around again. He sat at the stool after drying his hands. She looked down at her glass when she asked, "Do you have siblings?" The question was unexpected, and caught him off guard. He answered her, letting her know he was an only child. "What was that like?" She asked him, her eyes lifting to meet his.
"Quiet," he answered and she looked up at him, it was clear she was looking for more. He just couldn't imagine why. He let out a soft sigh and his mind drifted back to his childhood, before BAaT. "Mom and Dad lived, well, they still live, in Vancouver. Dad's family has an orchard. Every Sunday the family would get together at the Orchard for dinner; Aunts, uncles, cousins. Dozens of people, all day long, in and out. We would eat and laugh and pick on each other until it was late. Other days, it would be just Mom, Dad and me. Dad would take me shooting out back. Mom hated that," He found himself smiling as he thought about it. "She would make dinner, and yell out the back door for her boys to come home. We would come trotting in heads high from our time out back with our toys. We would eat together, at the table, every night. Mom was big on that. Then I'd clear the table and handle the dishes while they took their coffee and tea into the living room. Mom would knit, Dad would catch up on the news, and I'd lie on the floor and read crazy sci-fi novels. It was great," He answered coming back to the present and was shocked to notice Shepard's eyes glisten as a smile played on her full lips as she watched him closely.
"That sounds nice," She said with a smile and she dropped her eyes and lifted her milk taking a small sip. He asked what it had been like for her, growing up on Mindoir. "It was work. We were all farmers and outside of school, we had farm work to do, as well," She paused and let out a breath, "Michael was every bit the stereotypical pain in the ass little brother you always hear about. Though, there were times, when Mom and Dad were out at the market or in the farm and it was just him and me that I still cherish. You see, he was born premature, and was smaller than the other boys in the colony so he tried really hard to be a tough guy. He always insisted he would enlist in the Alliance as soon as he was old enough," He smiled when she chuckled, it was warm. "He got hurt a lot, and he used to hate when Mom would see him hurt. I think they both felt guilty over his weak demeanor. It was because he was born so sick. So, he would come to me," Kaidan thought he saw tears in her eyes before she dropped them, and nothing would have surprised him more. It was a silent second before she continued.
"I thought I had moved passed it, and I had, but after talking to Talitha it was like I was 16 again," She admitted, and Kaidan was taken aback by the emotion still lacing her voice. "For a long time after I was rescued I focused on trying to find Michael. I thought, after I was trained, I could storm Batarian space and find him and bring him home," She paused and a sad smile tugged at her lips. "It took David a good eighteen months to … not convince me, just make me realize how insane that notion was. It was a hard realization for me. Honestly, Michael was probably dead already, and if not, there would be no semblance of him left to save considering the implants the Batarians use to control their slaves," She stopped then, and sighed softly.
"Then we met Talitha," He filled in for her, understanding now why that had been such a difficult experience for her. Not only did it bring back the memories of the attack, but the guilt she must have felt for not trying to find her brother. She lifted her eyes and nodded.
"Yeah," She answered, "what if he is out there alive, wondering where I am? Wondering why I haven't come for him." Kaidan wanted to say something but he didn't know what he could say. "David reminded me though, if Michael was still alive and if he remembered me, which I know are both slim chances, he would most likely think I had been killed, or taken too. He wouldn't be expecting me to come for him. That helps, but doesn't make it all go away," She admitted and looked up and locked eyes with him. He found himself admiring the way her blue eyes reflected the lighting of the ship again, and his eyes flicked down to her mouth where her lip was once again pinched between her teeth. "I am reminded of something David told me during that time, and I feel like I want to tell you things. Things I haven't spoken about in a long time. Almost like I owe it to you, especially after everything you've shared with me."
"You most certainly don't owe me anything," He promised as his heart jumped up in his throat and he searched her face. He was surprised when she offered him a small smile.
"I know," She answered simply, with her head cocked to one side. His eyes were on hers, and it was almost like he could see her taking the walls down. After a long moment, she looked down to the table. She seemed afraid of what he would find there. "I was sixteen when Mindoir was attacked. It was sunset and I wasn't home when it started. I was out at the edge of the fields with Caleb, my boyfriend," She paused for a heartbeat, "My shooting tutor's younger brother," She added as she lifted her eyes to his, and he chuckled. She gave a small smile and continued, "We were lying in the grass, watching the sunset and making plans for when I finished school. He was two years older than me and had already graduated and was already in the process of taking over his family's farm. Once I finished school, it was expected for us to be married," Her face held the nostalgia she felt for a simpler time. He was overcome with the wish to make life simple for her again, though he knew that was an impossibility.
She continued, "Then we heard the first gun shots. We weren't sure that's what it was, at first, but we froze and waited. I remember, the fear on his face and knew it was a reflection of my own. Then we heard the screaming and we ran. I ran faster than I had ever run before, through the corn fields. The leaves on the stalks we ran through were rough and slapped against our legs, arms and faces. It stung as they broke the skin. When we reached the other end of the field, we were in my backyard. I had expected Caleb to run to his house, but he didn't. He stayed with me as I went to mine. We entered my house through the kitchen, and that was when we saw the Batarians. They had guns pointed at my parents, and they turned one on us when we entered," She paused and took a deep breath, "It was just like Talitha said. Honestly, with all my training, I'm still not sure what kind of weapon it was that they used. When my parents yelled for me to run, they shot them. A stream of white light shot from the weapon and hit them, and it was like they melted," Shepard wrapped her arms around her midsection as she leaned forward slightly, it was like she was closing in on herself; almost like she was trying to protect herself, to keep it all in.
"I screamed," Her eyes were distant as she continued, clearly back on Mindoir, and Kaidan suppressed the impulse to reach out and hold her. "I turned and looked to Caleb and his head just exploded. It took me a second to realize he'd been shot as his… mess splashed on my face. The alien that had shot him hit me in the face with the butt of his gun and I fell landing hard on my hands and knees. Blood was dripping down my face and into my mouth. I was inhaling it. It was warm. My hands slipped on the floor. I think I was still screaming. I looked up and saw them taking Michael. He was bleeding," She lifted her hand to her temple, "from his head and he had a metal collar, connected to a leash," Her hand went to her pale neck, "around his neck as they were dragging him to the ship. The alien kicked me in the ribs and I fell to my side, splashing in the… gore. I could feel it soaking into my sundress. When they came to me and tried to put on the collar, I flared. The energy just erupted from me, panic and fear. I had no control over it. They flew backwards; one hit the wall with this sickening crunch. I'm pretty sure I killed it. Once the biotics dissipated they shot me in the stomach and left," She paused and lifted her glass to take a mouthful of her milk.
He wanted her to continue, but felt like if he spoke, she would clamp shut and stop, so he remained silent as she stared at her glass of milk. After a brief eternity, she continued, "I remember, it didn't hurt. It just burned and I stopped screaming. I cried. I prayed for death. Then, mercifully, I lost consciousness," She paused and Kaidan's heart was pounding loudly against his ribs as she relived this, he couldn't believe she was sharing this with him. He would take whatever he could get, any little piece to help him understand her more. He was mildly surprised by the amount of details she remembered, but knew from his training that traumatic experiences often left more vivid memories. "I don't know how long I was out, but when my eyes opened again the sun had risen and I could hear muffled voices shouting. I was cold, and couldn't move. I'm not even sure how I was alive. When I saw the black helmet with the red stripe and the flashlight, I thought the Batarians had come back for me. The helmet hovered just inside my field of vision, telling me to look at him, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to die, I should have died. I kept turning away until he removed the helmet and I saw a human face staring back at me. I'll never forget the way his eyes looked, they were the most beautiful brown eyes I had seen, until then at least," She looked away from him for a second, and shifted in her seat. When her eyes flicked to his again, and she blushed, he realized she'd been complimenting him. He enjoyed the rush of heat that washed over him as she continued, "His eyes were warm, concerned, and he looked down at me so gently, his voice was comforting as he told me to hold on. He told me I was safe, and that I was going to be okay. He applied pressure to the gunshot and I lost consciousness again."
"Anderson," Kaidan whispered and Shepard smiled sadly, and nodded.
"I woke again, days later, in a hospital on Arcturus. Doctors tried to get me to talk but I wouldn't. I just laid on my side, curled in a ball looking out the window, wondering why I survived. I was angry that I lived while my family, and Caleb died. Then David came in. He stood between me and the window. I just stared through him, and then he started talking. He told me about his service in the Alliance, his N7 training. He told me about his family. On the fourth day, he asked me about mine. He told me I had been quiet long enough and that's not how relationships work. Both people have to share, and if I didn't start sharing, he was going to stop coming to visit. Then he left. The next morning, I woke up and the sun didn't hurt so badly anymore. I sat up. The nurses were shocked when I asked to shower. I ate a small breakfast. When David came to visit, he said he didn't recognize me."
"He asked my name, and I answered. He stayed with me all day and we spoke about me. I still wouldn't talk to the shrinks they sent to see me, but I told David everything he wanted to know. I told him I was a pretty good shot and we talked about my biotics. I was hospitalized for a month before the doctors were ready to discharge me. David told me then that I had a choice. I could go into the foster care program on Earth until I was eighteen, or I could enter the Advanced Training Academy for Juveniles on Arcturus and be a ward of the Alliance while I finished school so long as I enlisted when I turned eighteen. I asked if I would be able to see him if I stayed, and he promised he would make sure of it. So, that's what I did. I still kept to myself most of the time. David had me take dance classes, he had me take self-defense classes and he taught me to cook and taught me Marine hand-to-hand combat. He became my family. He was there when I finished school. He was there when I enlisted. He was there when I received my first orders. He was there when I volunteered for Akuze," She paused then and took a deep breath. She leaned back in her stool and rubbed at her face.
"Shepard," He tried to interrupt her. He could only imagine how difficult this was for her and he hated that she was telling him out of a sense of obligation.
"No," She stopped him, "it's like David said. It's a two way street and I want you to know," She admitted quietly and Kaidan nodded, trying to wrap his head around her admission. She continued, her voice quiet, "My unit and I had become really close. I guess, aside from David, it was the closest I'd had to a family since the Raid. We landed on Akuze and set up our camp. Then night fell," Her voice stuck in her throat and she cleared it. Kaidan reached out across the table instinctively and covered her hand with his. She stilled, and the emotion fueled blue energy of their shared biotics flared up for a moment at the contact. Her hands were much smaller than his and cold. He watched her reaction as she was silent for another moment while she stared at their hands. She flexed her fingers up and entwined them with his; his heart skipped a beat and she looked up at him. "I still have nightmares sometimes. I can hear them screaming. I can hear them calling for help. There was nothing I could do, Kaidan," He squeezed her hand lightly. His heart swelled a little when she said his name. "For the second time in my life I prayed for death. I prayed… that… when I was taken… it would be fast."
"Then, the sun came up, and the maws went back underground. I looked around and they were gone. I switched … off. Everything. All emotion was turned off, and I went to the ship and hailed the Alliance. There was nothing left, no bodies, no tags. I was picked up before sunset. My family was gone, again. David wasn't on Arcturus when I got back. He was off on a mission of his own. I was given two weeks leave, and I was alone. I spent the first week completely wasted. I mean, numb drunk day and night, I didn't do any harder drugs or anything, but I made a lot of … bad decisions while I was in that state. Let's just say…" She blushed, and looked away from his face, her eyes falling to their linked hands, "I didn't sleep in the same bed twice and leave it at that," She cleared her throat, and Kaidan could feel the embarrassment coursing through her. Not wanting to speak, and interrupt her, he simply squeezed her hand, and she continued, "David came home after the first week and found me, mid-afternoon still drunk from the night before, unshowered and covered in my own vomit and … it was bad. He picked me up, literally, and threw me in the shower and let me have it. Oh, how he sounded like my dad," She chuckled softly and cleared her throat before continuing, "I had never seen him so disappointed. After I was dressed, we talked and I promised I would get better and made myself a vow never to see him like that again."
She let out a short breath through pursed lips before she continued, "I spent the next week cleaning myself up. I spent a lot of time in the gym. After my leave, I went on two missions before I got my N school recommendation," A pleasant grin spread over her face, and without thinking he ran his thumb along her finger, and he thought he heard a slight hitch in her breath before she continued, "David knew the recommendation was coming. He'd been called as a reference. He had been grooming me, since the day I was released from the hospital. The dance classes, the self-defense, all of it. He is the reason I finished and reached N7. He is the only person I let myself count on since the raid."
She looked up and her heated gaze met his eyes, "I don't like having to rely on people. I don't like needing someone at my six, or admitting I need help," She stated as firmly as she could around the emotion in her voice. "Whenever I did, bad things happened to them and I hate the immense guilt I would feel because I had survived. I felt awful for a long time, after Akuze, when I thought of the brave men and women who'd gone down fighting while I hid, like a kid I hid, and I survived. They called me a survivor, but all I did was hide. Then I got angry, at my squad, shit, at my parents, for dying; for leaving me alone. Anyway, I had a point," She stopped, her eyes still locked with his. Their hands were still linked, and the Alliance part of him was screaming at him to look away, to pull his hand away. This was way more than it should have been. The man in him couldn't look away, or pull his hand away. This wasn't enough for the man in him.
"It hit me for the first time, on Feros. When the creeper knocked into me and I lost my balance and I went over the edge. You reached out with your biotics and pulled me back. I realized I knew you would. There is no one else I want at my back. I trust you. I didn't even feel scared as I fell. I knew that you would be there to pull me back," She finished, her cheeks pink, eyes wet and her lip pinched between her teeth. Kaidan's heart was pounding in his chest.
"Always," He promised her, his voice gruff with emotion and something else. Something he wasn't ready to admit to the Alliance part of him. "I'll always be there." It was her turn to squeeze his hand as she smiled. He wondered what it would be like to lean over and kiss her. She was right there, warm and alive and right there. It wouldn't take much. A quick tug of her hand and a lean forward would close the distance. He could still smell the light fragrance she wore, and wondered again what it was. He imagined what it would be like to have her face in his hands, his lips on hers as they opened for him. It wasn't the first time he thought about kissing her, but it was the first time he thought she might let him.
"Good," She said ending the moment as she pulled her hand away from his to grab her milk and finish it.
He cleared his throat as he leaned back and watched her. He crossed his arms over his chest and kicked his feet out under the counter, crossed at the ankle. Their eyes linked again. "You're amazing," He let out, and blushed himself as she cocked an eyebrow. He huffed a little. "Seriously, you've been through so much in your life. You have every reason to be shut off, and cold, and hard and… and you're not. You're kind, and warm and willing to help everyone who asks. You're amazing," He repeated and she chuckled.
"Well, you haven't had it easy, either," She reminded him, as she kicked his foot lightly beneath the counter. She seemed embarrassed by the compliment and eager to return it if only to take the attention off of herself, "but I like the man it's made of you," He blushed and their eyes were still connected. He could feel the air between them heating up with a comfortable charge. His body tingled with the tension, and he kept his eyes on hers. He was about to speak when she did first, "It's late," She whispered, breaking the intensity and he nodded dropping his eyes to his glass. He lifted it to his lips and finished it.
He looked back to her, and still didn't want to move. He let a breathy chuckle escape through his nose, "Shepard, you are a hard woman to walk away from," He answered her, and she bit her lip as something warm washed over her face.
"I guess I'll have to walk away then, huh?" She asked quietly as she pushed away from the counter and stood. "Good night, Kaidan," When his whispered name left her lips, he felt the shiver trace his spine as he watched her take two steps backwards before turning on her heel and disappearing towards her quarters. He watched her disappear. His heart pounded as he thought of where this could go once the mission was over. He hoped they'd get the chance to explore it. With those thoughts in the forefront of his mind, he dropped their glasses in the sink and trudged to his pod. Sleep would prove to be illusive that night.