Author's Note: Thank you to those who favorited, followed or commented. Truthfully, the comments really motivate me to keep going. So, I definitely hope you continue to enjoy. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think! Enjoy. - TLC
Chapter Nineteen
Kaidan woke in the med-bay early the next morning. He didn't open his eyes, he simply assessed his remaining headache. There was some residual throbbing, but nothing he couldn't handle. He allowed his eyes to open slowly. He glanced down and saw he was dressed in his night clothes. He didn't remember changing into them. That was an interesting thought. The lights were still dimmed, and Chakwas was not in his immediate line of sight. He lifted his wrist to eye level and checked the time: 0530. He had time for a shower and breakfast before they would have their debriefing. He turned to sit up, and that was when he saw Shepard sitting on the cot next to him, wincing as Dr. Chakwas administered a shot into the side of her knee. His face screwed up in concern as he sat and swung his legs over the side of bed.
"You okay, Shepard? Ah, Commander?" He asked, correcting himself when Chakwas looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. The woman missed nothing. Chakwas stood and patted Shepard's other knee, and smiled at the Commander before turning and leaving the two of them alone. Shepard pulled her pant leg back down and turned her attention to Kaidan.
"Yeah, fuckin Asari commando yesterday, she got close enough that we ended up going hand to hand. She took a cheap shot to my knee and aggravated an old injury… so I Threw her across the room," Shepard answered with a shrug, and Kaidan chuckled as he remembered the image of the Asari flying passed him in the middle of the fight. "How about you, Kaidan? Are you okay?" She asked, naked concern in her voice as she hopped off the cot.
"Yeah, I am much better this morning," He answered and stood as well. They thanked the Doctor and left the med-bay, heading to the mess together. Kaidan tried not to think about the night before, and the way her hands had felt on his face as he fell asleep. He had slept better than he had in a long time, especially considering he'd had a migraine. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he watched her in his periphery as she filled her tray with a biotic helping of breakfast. He was thankful for the distraction when he turned his attention to the mess sergeant to thank him and walked with Shepard to an empty table. "I didn't get the chance last night, but I have to thank you," He said as they sat.
"I'm just glad it helped. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right but then you started snoring. So, I figured I was doing something right," She said and hid her smile behind her coffee mug. Her eyes were bright, as they locked on his.
He pointed his fork at her, "I do not snore."
"I know what I heard," She argued with a shrug and her face fell when she glanced over his shoulder. Kaidan turned to see what had caught her attention. He found Liara had left the med-bay to get her own breakfast. She was currently gliding gracefully through the line at the counter. Kaidan turned back to Shepard, and watched her watch the Asari. Shepard's reputation boasted an ability to compartmentalize. Kaidan had seen it first hand back on Eden Prime. Jenkins had been killed and Shepard had no problem moving her grief aside and finishing the mission. Even when he had made eye contact with her, there was no trace of sadness or frustration; just the determination to get the job done.
Lately, however, Kaidan had noticed he was able to read the emotions behind her eyes much easier. Whether it was because she was allowing it or because he had come to know her and her tells, he wasn't sure, but he liked to think it was the latter. He had felt sure, especially after last night, that there was something between Shepard and him. He knew how he felt and he thought he had read her feelings as well. Yet, as he watched the emotion in her eyes as she followed Liara across the mess, he was suddenly not as sure of it. She cared for the Asari, and was concerned for her wellbeing, of course, but was there more to it than that? Who knows what kind of connection could be formed with those mind melds?
Shepard dropped her eyes to her plate when Liara disappeared into the med-bay. "Have you spoken to her?" Kaidan looked to Shepard as he spoke softly. There was no use in pretending Liara's presence hadn't distracted her from their conversation, Kaidan just wished he knew why it had.
"Not since yesterday," Shepard admitted dropping her fork and leaning back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest. She looked almost defensive. "What do you think?" He wasn't sure what she was asking about, so he asked her. "About what happened on Noveria," She clarified as she sat forward and resumed her meal. Their flirtatious, friendly conversation was over and it was back to business.
"Killing Saren's – What was Benezia, anyway? Second-in-command? Advisor? I don't know, either way, it should set him back a bit," He paused, and weighed his decision on whether or not to continue, "I'm sure Dr. T'Soni's hurting, though," He waited a heartbeat before he continued as he attempted to gauge her reaction. "Poor kid. Having to kill her own mom," He looked to his own meal as he took the last few bites.
She chuckled, though it lacked any humor, "'Poor kid.' It's really something, you know? She's over one hundred years old, but she still seems so young. I mean, I know we've talked about this before, but it really gets me how naïve she seems, almost fragile. She definitely stepped up yesterday, though. If she hadn't taken that shot, Benezia could have taken us both out. She is quite impressive," Shepard admitted, non-committedly before finishing her meal. Kaidan thought back to his previous conversations with Ashley, about Liara and her interest in Shepard. Liara would be the easier choice for Shepard, no regulations; nothing standing in their way. "Any thoughts about the Rachni?"
"Off the record?" He asked, and she nodded as she stacked their empty trays and folded her hands in front of her, resting her arms on the table. She was leaning in, waiting for him to speak. "If we'd had the option, I'd as soon have left it to the Council. We weren't out here during the Rachni War. I'm not sure we have business getting involved," He had answered her honestly, and watched as she chewed her lip and considered his words.
"I see that, but that's why they have Spectres: to make those hard, fast decisions," She responded. "So, if you were a Spectre and the decision was in your hands, you would have killed her?" She asked and it was Kaidan's turn to sit back and cross his arms over his chest as he considered the options. He meant what he had said, he would have rather left it up to the Council. She posed an interesting situation, though. If it had been his call, would he have made the same one she had?
"Yeah, I think I would have killed her. There is no way to know what will happen. They were wiped out for a reason," He answered, clear in his conviction. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he felt like squirming under her scrutiny. She was still chewing on her bottom lip, and he swallowed hard as he waited for her to speak.
"A valid, and arguable, point," She admitted, and he felt himself relax. She stood and picked up their trays. She looked down at him when she spoke again, "I have to ask, though, if I had killed them because of what we think they might do, how am I any different from the Reapers?" He blanched, and swallowed hard again as he watched her take the trays to the sink to be cleaned. It gave him a moment to consider her words. She was right, of course. What gave one species the right to decide if the other should live? Humanity had fought that battle more than once, even going all the way back to World War II in the 20th century.
She returned to the table and stood in front of him. She looked over his face, and locked on his eyes. She could see that she had reached him, and he chuckled, "That's why you're the Spectre and I'm the lowly L.T.," He answered as he stood. She laughed softly, her smile brightening her eyes. She nodded her head towards the stairs, and they started walking together as she spoke.
"Well, I would be lying if I said I hadn't considered killing her. As I spoke to her, I thought, ironically, about Wrex and the conversations he and I have had about the Genophage. The Salarians elevated the Krogan to fight the Rachni, and the Krogan did as they were meant to do. They became the weapon the Salarians intended them to be. Afterwards, when the Krogan's numbers started growing, and their homicidal nature – the very thing that made them the perfect weapon for the war - forced them to expand, and then to fight over colonies and space, how did the galaxy thank them for their service? By nearly sterilizing them. If you speak to Wrex about the struggle his people, his women, face every day with infertility and the excruciating reality of multiple stillborn births, it's heartbreaking. It's no wonder the Krogan hate the Salarians and the Turians for working together against them. No one species should hold that much power over any other species. That's what this fight against Saren, the geth, and the Reapers is about: Freedom to exist. I couldn't kill that queen, and come back to this ship and look Wrex in the face, let alone the woman in the mirror," They had reached the bottom of the stairs, and she was standing in front of him. Some of her features were hidden by the shadows of the stairwell, but he had them memorized.
As she looked up at him, and waited for his response to her explanation, he was struck again by how unique she was. She was sincerely compassionate, intelligent beyond her years, braver than anyone he had ever met, and insanely beautiful. "You're not like other women," He answered her without thinking, and felt the heat of humiliation rise from his collar. Her eyes stayed locked on his, and he could see the gentle embarrassment his statement had caused her, but also the appreciation she felt.
She reached out, discreetly, and squeezed his hand at his side, "Yes, I am," She answered quietly before releasing her hold on his fingers. His breath caught in his throat as they looked at each other, his fingers tingled where she had touched them. He squeezed his hand closed, hoping to hold on to the sensation. "Now, hit the showers, Lieutenant. You smell."
"Yes, Ma'am," He responded with a chuckle and she rolled her eyes with an exaggerated sigh as she turned to head up to the CIC. He went the other way, towards his locker, to grab the items he would need for his shower.
Kaidan showered quickly, his conversation with Shepard during breakfast ate up a lot of time and he didn't want to be late to the briefing. He turned the corner at the CIC and was on his way towards the comm room. He stopped mid-step when he neared the door. Shepard and Liara were standing outside the room and Shepard was holding both of Liara's hands in hers. Neither of them noticed him, and he didn't want to interrupt their conversation; though a childish part of him wished he could hear their whispers, and with that thought he felt even worse for intruding. He was brought out of his thoughts when Liara wrapped her arms around Shepard and placed her head on her shoulder. Then, Shepard slowly returned the embrace.
He walked quietly towards the room, and the door sighed open and he crossed the threshold without casting another glance at the pair. He sat in his seat, "Hey, L.T., you're looking much better today, you feelin' good?" Ashley asked him.
"I am. Thank you for the assist last night," he offered her and she waved him off. The door opened and Shepard and Liara entered. The Commander's presence caused a hush to fall over the room and everyone sat a little straighter.
Shepard started the meeting by going over the events of the day before and the things they had learned. "So, what's our next move, Commander? Head for the Mu Relay?" Ashley asked as she shifted in her seat. She seemed to be itching for a fight, and Kaidan couldn't blame her. He had a sudden urge to fire his weapon at something, too.
"The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren is going, we'd just be wasting our time," Shepard answered shaking her head.
"The Commander is right. We cannot rush off blind. We still need to learn more about Saren," Liara agreed, and everyone's eyes turned to the Asari, who flushed a gentle purple with the attention.
"Who put you in charge? Did the Commander resign when I wasn't looking?" Ashley snapped, her tone annoyed and defensive. Liara's eyes dropped, shamefully, down to her hands in her lap, and her cheeks darkened another shade.
Shepard turned a heated stare to Ashley, her voice was hard when she spoke, "We're all on the same team here, Williams. Liara more than proved her loyalty to us, and the cause, yesterday on Noveria. I will not accept this bickering. You're a soldier in the Alliance, act like it," Shepard snapped to Liara's defense.
"Yes, Ma'am. Sorry, Skipper," Ashley offered and Shepard sighed as her eyes moved over the room. Kaidan lifted his eyes to hers when he felt them land on him, and he could see she was tired.
Shepard let out a loud sigh, "This is a tough mission. We're all on edge. We're still waiting on some intel from the Salarians before we can continue looking for Saren. In the meantime, Admiral Hackett of the Fifth Fleet has asked me to look into some scientists that are turning up dead, so we're heading for Ontarom. For now, everyone just… take the day off. We've got plenty of travel time and I think we all need it. Dismissed." As everyone stood to leave the room, she dropped her head into her hands. Kaidan stood and followed the group from the room. He didn't turn to look, but he could have sworn he felt Shepard watch him go.
He went to his station with the intention of replying to the message from his mother. He thought about the day before, and his eyes drifted up to the med-bay. Liara had killed her own mother. Sure, there had been a battle and Kaidan and Shepard had both taken shots at the Matriarch, but in the end it was Liara who fired the kill shot. Just like Shepard had said, there was no room for doubt anymore. Liara was part of this team, Shepard's team, and she deserved to be treated as such. He would have to make an effort to remember that, and include her. Her being alone now was not the best thing for her.
He heard footsteps and looked up to see Shepard heading towards her quarters. When her eyes met his, she stopped and altered her course towards him. He made himself look involved in his message. "Are you busy?" She asked, her voice was soft and quiet, and he felt a shiver trace his spine. He looked to her, she was standing close to him, her arm nearly touching his. He told her he was in the middle of a message home. "Oh, of course. I'll leave you to it, then," She said and took a step away from him.
He spoke up again without deciding to do so, almost reflexively, "No, don't. It can wait," He saved the message and locked his console as she turned back towards him. Her brow creased as she asked if he was sure. "Definitely. Did you need something?" He watched as she sat in one of the seats behind him, leaning back and crossing her arms over her midsection. He turned to face her, leaning against his console.
"No," She said, with a gentle shake of her head. His head tilted at her as he found her eyes. He offered her a timid smile, and she chewed her lip. Her eyes followed him as he took a few steps to sit in the seat next to her, turning his body in to seat to face her. She smiled at him when he sat, and she turned in her chair, folding her leg underneath her. It was as if in that simple move, she changed from being his superior to being just another soldier, and he appreciated that. They sat in silence for a minute, and Kaidan simply enjoyed the proximity. He let his mind wander for minute as he tried to place the familiar undertone in the fragrance that always followed her. "What are you thinking right now?" She asked quietly, and the question caught him off guard. He couldn't very well tell her he was thinking about the way she smelled.
He sighed softly, and decided to speak of a safer subject, "Well, does it ever feel like we, this ship, your crew, are alone in this? I mean, the debriefing wasn't the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is so wrapped up in their own problems, they don't see what's coming." His frustration was evident in his tone, and he was surprised when she smiled at him.
"Can you blame them? Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Ignorance is bliss, right? Sounds like human nature to me," She offered, with a cocked head. Her left arm rested on the back of the chair and her hand went to a loose piece of hair. It seemed as if that one section of hair always rebelled against the pins and the bun.
"Yeah," He admitted, "I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus." He was always surprised at the way she made him see other points of view. He would have to remember that before he made decisions. It was no surprise she had advanced as far as she had, and as quickly. She was younger than him, but she taught him something every day.
"It is refreshing to see you get along so well with aliens. I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus. I mean, look at Ashley, and her problem isn't direct, it was inherited," She pulled the pins from her bun as she spoke, clearly frustrated with the errant hair.
He forced himself not to be distracted by the way the hair framed her face and brought out her eyes, "Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I don't think aliens want to dictate to us, and a lot of people don't understand that. I don't think that people, humans or aliens, understand that we're out here trying to save everyone. We can worry about who is king once the dust settles."
She left her hair down and he watched with envy as she ran her hands through it. It fell forward over her shoulders. It looked soft, and as always smelled amazing. He focused on what she was saying, "We have to worry sometime. It's going to happen sooner or later."
"Shepard, it's only been 26 years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them, or for them to understand us. It was everything with Vyrnnus that made me realize how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time everything came to a head with Vyrnnus, I didn't even want payback anymore," It amazed him still how easy it was for him to talk to her about this.
"That whole situation was so fucked up, and the Alliance just pretends it didn't happen," She shook her head, her disappointment in the institution that saved her was clear in the way her eyes dropped and shoulders fell. "I mean, shit, you were just a kid. How did you even deal with that mess?" She shifted again, and pulled both legs up in front of her, so she was folded and compact on the chair facing him. Her arms wrapped around her legs and she rested her chin on her knees. Kaidan smiled at her, and then looked away.
"I didn't, not right away," He admitted. "I wasn't upset he was dead, but I was sorry that I'd killed him. So, I dropped out of sight for a bit. The Alliance, and my parents, let me go. I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did. I went and stayed with my Grandparents at the Orchard for a while, a couple years, actually. You know, worked on the farm, took care of the horses," He admitted, and Shepard's eyes lit up at that specific piece of his history. He chuckled before he continued. "Obviously, I came back to the Alliance, but I came back on my terms, because I wanted to serve. Not because I was a biotic freak with no options. Anyway, this is… I had a point here," He paused, "Aliens are individuals. Just because one's an ass doesn't mean they all are. So, yeah, I hated that Turian, but he wasn't just 'A Turian' to me, he was Vyrnnus."
She was silent as she watched him speak. He noticed, but ignored, her eyes moving between his eyes and his lips as he spoke. When he finished, she smiled at him, "And here I was concerned you were damaged goods."
He grinned, "I've got a few scratches and dents. I hope they just give me character." She sat back and pulled her hair back to pin it up. He wished she'd leave it down, but she was on duty. "Anyway, I don't think we'll be operating without support much longer. Pretty soon, not even the Council will be able to ignore what's going on."
She was shaking her head before he'd even finished speaking, "I'm not so sure. Whenever anyone out here starts to listen to us, the Council starts up with their treaties and heel-dragging. We can't wait for them to realize we're right. We can only rely on ourselves." He was enjoying this back and forth with her, and he felt like maybe she was glad he didn't just agree with her right away.
It was his turn to shake his head, "We're not doing the galaxy any favors if we try to force our way into a seat at the grown-up table. They aren't malicious. The Council's just… slow to change. My story doesn't get any better if Vyrnnus is a good guy."
"You have it backwards…" She said and Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, she smirked before she continued, "The Council isn't Vyrnnus, the Council … is you. Gun-shy after past wars, too worried about what might happen to take action." She was serious with her comparison, but he could hear the teasing accusation behind the words.
He leaned forward and spoke softly, "I'm not gun-shy." She looked him straight in the eyes, as she smirked. Her eyes were sparkling with humor as she leaned forward, too. They were close, so close he could feel her spearmint breath dance across his cheek. He cleared his throat and sat back. She dropped her head and hid her face behind her knees, laughing.
"I beg to differ," She responded before lifting her face again, the smile still wide on her full lips. Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He decided to drop it. It was a dangerous game they were playing. Maybe he was a little gun-shy, but there was more on the line right now than a broken heart; for both of them.
He changed the subject, "I can't deny the Council has been reluctant to step up, but with everything we've dumped in their laps. You have to admit, it's overwhelming. They don't know what to do, so they don't do anything. I know how paralyzed I was after Jump Zero," He admitted, using himself as the example again.
"They're scared," She continued to argue with a shake of her head, the wayward hair falling again. "They can't make the hard calls. They're too afraid of what might happen. You had more spine as a kid than they're showing now." He considered her words. She had a point.
"Well, then that's a low bar for them to be tripping over. I don't know, maybe we should push for a bigger role when we wrap this up," He conceded and she grinned triumphantly. "You're pretty damned persuasive, Shepard. Maybe you should be the Ambassador."
She threw her head back and laughed loudly, he grinned. She looked to him, "Fuck that! No way are you getting my ass stuck behind a desk. When I'm done out here, and it's time to put the guns down, I'm retiring to a farm. I'm going to raise some chickens and horses. Maybe I'll get a dog," Her eyes shone with excitement as she spoke of her future plans. There was a pleasant smile on her lips, and he had a hard time keeping his eyes off her as she continued, "We'll plant just enough crops for my husband and kids and I to live off of and just… I don't know… be still."
An image flashed before his mind's eye, unbidden. Shepard years from now, standing barefoot in the grass with her hands on a white fence. The wind whipping her long chocolate hair around her face as she watched her daughter ride a horse around the small circular training area. She wore a long white cotton skirt and a blue top that was snug around her swollen belly. She turned her face towards him, and grinned, and that was when the image disappeared, and he was with her again on the Normandy behind his station. Her eyes locked on his, "That sounds like a great plan, Shepard," He agreed in a whisper and she chewed her bottom lip. He looked to that stray hair, still hanging in her face. "I'm glad you'll be here when this is over," He whispered as he reached out tentatively, and tucked the curl behind her ear. "I'm uh… looking forward to some shore leave," He heard her breath catch in her throat, and her eyes slid closed as the back of his fingers brushed against her cheek. His heart pounded as she leaned, ever so slightly, into his touch.
"Commander!" Joker's disembodied voice rang out over head, and Kaidan snatched his hand away like he'd been burned. Her chest rose and fell with a deep sigh as she answered the pilot. "Admiral Hackett is calling for you on the comm." She thanked Joker and turned back to Kaidan.
She leaned forward over her knees. "Gun-shy," she whispered with a grin, and Kaidan froze at the accusation. Before he could respond she had stood and was on her way to the stairs to speak with the Admiral in the comm room, leaving a speechless Kaidan at his station.