Author's Note: *sigh* I'm going to start as I usually do, and thank the amazing readers who left me a review after the last chapter: Jewels 941, spacecats, Vorcha Girl, Elissa Theirin, PillarofNormandy, Jules Hawk, and the guest. I can not begin to tell you how much I love reading your reviews; especially on chapters that ended the way the last one did.

I want to tell you to enjoy, the way I usually do, but ... I don't know. Here you go. - TLC

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Get the fuck out of here!

Kaidan was locked into his seat in the escape shuttle as it floated through space towards the frozen surface of Alchera below them. There were soft sobs coming from the corner of the pod, and Kaidan couldn't bring himself to open his eyes and look. He tried to grasp what had happened. The attack had come out of nowhere, and had decimated the ship before anyone really had time to react. Keeping his eyes closed, he breathed deeply and thought back on the day to see if there was something they had missed. Some clue as to who the attacker had been.

Just this morning he'd woken up with Shepard in his arms again. He watched as she stirred gently and when she opened her eyes, she smiled sleepily. He'd been able to lean down and kiss her, just because he wanted to. He hadn't been able to stay too long, the ship was waking up and it would raise too many questions if anyone had spotted him leaving. She was sitting at the console, checking her messages, while he dressed. From behind her, he asked if she thought the coast was clear or if anyone was in the mess. She chewed her lip and pulled up the camera feeds on her screen, "You're in the clear," She promised as she stood.

She walked him to the door, and he kissed her pulling her against his chest. She'd gasped lightly and he smiled against her mouth. "See you later, Commander," He muttered, his nose nuzzled hers.

"Lieutenant," She said with a grin, kissing him once more before the door opened behind him and he slid out. He didn't know where they were with rules now. He didn't know what to expect at the end of the day but he didn't care. For right now, he was going to let the memory of the night before sustain him and see how the evening played out while keeping his expectations low.

Later that day, Kaidan was in the cockpit with Joker as he brought them closer to their destination. He was already suited up for his groundside mission, his helmet hanging at his hip. Joker kept looking at him sideways and Kaidan wondered if this would be the moment Joker brought up his suspicions. The pilot just sighed and said nothing, and Kaidan was grateful as they both turned their full attention to their monitors. "Disengaging FTL drives. Emission sinks active. Board is green… we are running silent," He announced and Kaidan heard Pressly sigh behind them.

"We're wasting our time. There has to be something more productive we could be doing than chasing geth," Pressly complained, the frustration clear in his voice. They were all feeling slightly useless, or overqualified maybe, for their current assignment. No one felt that as acutely as Shepard did, but she wasn't one to express that to the crew. Though, she had mentioned it to Kaidan and Garrus the night before.

Kaidan spoke up, reminding Pressly exactly what he had reminded Shepard the night before, "Three ships went missing here in the past month. Something happened to them."

Pressly scoffed, "My money's on slavers. The Terminus System is crawling with them." Pressly wasn't wrong, but slavers would have left some trace of their presence. These ships had simply vanished.

Kaidan noticed something on his monitor, and he ran his scanner again and, though he felt his nerves rise, his training kept his voice calm, "I'm picking something up on the long range scanner: Unidentified vessel; looks like a cruiser." He stated and the three officers started their own scans to verify the information Kaidan had found.

"Doesn't match any known signatures," Joker added absently, his attention focused on the monitors.

"Cruiser is changing course; now on intercept trajectory," Kaidan announced, confused, as his hands flew over his console in anticipation. They were in stealth mode, there was no way they would be found. Pressly said as much.

"It's not the geth," Joker interrupted them. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" He ordered and suddenly the cockpit and CIC were a flurry of activity as everyone switched into fight mode. Even with Joker's flying skills, they were hit by the weapon fired by the unknown ship. Instantly, the alarms sounded and lights flashed as the hull was breached. Kaidan had one thought: Shepard.

There was an explosion that rocked the cockpit and Pressly went down, his head at an awkward angle. Kaidan felt the bile rise in the back of his throat as he stood. There was an organized panic throughout the CIC. They had trained for this, but the reality of it was not something you could really be prepared for. Shepard's voice rang out overhead with the order to evacuate their stations and abandon ship. He ran toward the stairs to find her. He could hear Joker over the comm as he ran, "Kinetic barriers down! Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline!" His was shouting the status updates, fear heavy in his voice as the weapon cut through the ship like a hot knife through butter. As it passed through levels of their protection, explosions shook the ship. "Somebody get that fire out!" Was Joker's last order before he turned off the comm.

There were people shouting and running everywhere. There were scattered bodies on the floor, soldiers who were unlucky in their positions when the beam from the enemy ship sliced through the Normandy. Kaidan could feel his heart pounding, and swallowed hard. He had never seen a weapon like that before. He did notice the crew were fleeing in the general direction of the escape shuttles.

Kaidan rounded the corner in the mess and ran towards the sleeper pods and the distress beacon. That had to be where Shepard was, he called out for her and she turned to face him after securing her helmet. "Distress beacon is ready for launch," She declared and Kaidan felt the relief wash over him when he realized she was alright. She turned to look at him, and when her eyes met his, he saw the same relief there.

He spoke as he secured his own helmet, "Will the Alliance get here in time?" Just as he finished securing his helmet there was an explosion behind him and he lost his footing and fell. He grunted as he landed hard. Shepard went to him as soon as they stopped shaking and extended her hand to pull him to his feet.

"Well, I'm not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses," She stated as she lifted a fire extinguisher and he copied her in her attempt to put out the nearby flames. "Alenko, get everyone to the escape shuttles." She ordered, and it was an order. Kaidan knew it but for the first time since Vancouver, he didn't want to follow it. He didn't want to leave her.

"Joker's still in the cockpit," Kaidan informed her and she cursed, "He won't abandon ship and I'm not leaving, either," He declared, conviction in his voice, but when she rounded on him he could feel the heat of her glare through her visor. It was a look he hadn't seen since their argument after Virmire and he felt his resolve waver.

"Get to the goddamn shuttles! I'll haul Joker's crippled ass out of here!" She was yelling, she had to for him to hear her over the roar of the flames and the explosions ringing out on other levels. She was desperate for him to listen to her and he clenched his jaw and planted his feet. The alarms were still screaming and the lights still flashing red, orange, yellow; like the fires that danced along the walls.

"Commander…" He started but the words stuck in his throat as she moved towards him. She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards the escape shuttles.

"Goddamn it, Lieutenant, I gave you an order," She pulled rank, though he could see she hated to do it. He'd given her no choice. "Get the fuck out of here!" She growled and he stared at her for just another second. He could feel the desperation in his eyes. He had no choice but to turn on his heel and run towards the shuttles. As soon as he turned his back on her, he felt the cold grip of fear in his chest. He ignored it.

He reached them just as Liara did and he ushered her and the few remaining crew inside. "Everybody in! Go! Go! Go!" He shouted and he looked over his shoulder just as another explosion rocked the corridor, he saw the body of one of the engineers hit the floor hard. He swallowed audibly and entered the pod, locking himself in his seat before he pushed the eject button. The escape pod shot out of the Normandy and towards the icy planet below them.

The silence of the enclosed space was a stark contrast to the cacophony of noise they'd left behind on the dying Normandy. It was broken only by Joker over the comm, "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is the SSV Normandy. We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy. Come on, baby. Hold together. Hold together!" The comm cut off then, the link lost, and Kaidan closed his eyes. It was one of Pressly's navigators crying in the corner, he knew. He could feel Liara staring at him, and he knew it was Liara, though he wasn't sure how. He couldn't wrap his head around what had happened. The ship had come out of nowhere and attacked without provocation or warning. By the time the Alliance answered the distress beacon, their attackers would be long gone.

He could feel when they entered Alchera's atmosphere when they started to shake. Though he tried not to, he worried about Shepard. 'Get the fuck out of here!' He couldn't get the tone of her voice as she ordered him away out of his head. He couldn't get passed the feeling that he should have stayed. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but they hit the ground hard. Kaidan's eyes opened and he checked the crew with him. Everyone was alright, if a little bruised and scraped. Kaidan opened the door and stepped out. His eyes went to the sky and he watched the remaining crew land around him.

The crew was looking to him as they climbed out of their pods. He realized that with Pressly's death, he was the highest ranking Officer, at least until Shepard arrived. He was in charge. He gave himself a moment to let that sink in before he started barking orders. Assigning jobs to soldiers: head counts, injury assessment, and setting up an area for Dr. Chakwas to treat them while they awaited their rescue. Every so often he would look up towards the sky. Waiting for the last escape shuttle to enter the atmosphere. As he spoke to Dr. Chakwas, he felt suddenly nauseated, and she placed a hand on his shoulder to steady him. He brushed it off as it passed and they continued to speak about the minor injuries the crew had sustained.

The area had slowly settled down. A shocked hush fallen over the surviving crew as they set up the heated tents and gathered the rations at Kaidan's order. Though he was helping Dr. Chakwas with first aid, Kaidan kept glancing over his shoulder at the sky. He tried to tell himself that she would be fine, that she would land shortly. He could almost hear her laying into Joker for ignoring her order as the pod made its way to the planet. He clenched his jaw and looked down at the injured engineer in front of him. He was not a religious man. He'd been raised Catholic but he could count the number of times he'd truly prayed on one hand. He never had the kind of faith Ashley had. He didn't find comfort in an all-knowing, ever-present Higher Power who waited for you to make a mistake so He could punish you. Throughout human history they had not been able to agree on one religion. When you added the religions of the galaxy; the Turian and their Spirits, the Asari and their Goddess, it made an already clouded idea even more muddied. Still, he closed his eyes and prayed. He supposed he was praying to anyone willing to listen.

Moments later, he heard the alarm in the voices nearby and turned to see the pod had entered the atmosphere. He estimated where it would land and called a few of the nearby soldiers to come with him as he started towards the expected landing area. Something in his chest felt cold, and he had realized he knew what he was going to find when he opened the door. He still didn't want to believe it, but he knew Shepard hadn't made it. He swallowed hard and let his feet lead him. He reached it just after it landed, and he didn't bother checking the window before he opened the door.

As he took in Joker and his injuries, he absently acknowledged that Joker was, in fact, alone. Joker hadn't made it into his seat, let alone been strapped in before the pod took off. He was hanging by his arm which was twisted in the strap hanging from the top of the shuttle, broken in more than one place. His legs were twisted unnaturally beneath him, and his BDUs were stained with blood in some areas; most likely from compound fractures. He was unconscious, whether or not it was from the pain of the breaks or a head injury sustained during the flight was unclear. He ordered those with him to assist with getting the pilot out of the pod and to Dr. Chakwas carefully, and quickly.

As they carried him, he acknowledged that there were no pods left for her. Shepard wasn't going to make it to the planet. She was gone, for real this time, and there was nothing he could do about it. He stayed with Joker and helped Chakwas as she fought against his injuries. He needed to keep busy, to focus on something else besides the nagging grief he felt deep in his core. He didn't have the time to let it out, he had work to do. He had to make sure the surviving members of the crew remained that way until the Alliance arrived the next morning. He had to make sure Joker lived. If he died, then Shepard would have sacrificed herself for nothing.

It was hours later when Chakwas declared him stable, but critical. The sun had set over Alchera, and while most of the crew were in the tents, staying warm and sharing their rations, Kaidan was standing ankle deep in the snow, staring up at the night sky. His helmet was hanging from his hip and the cold air was burning his face in a familiar way. Like the winters of his childhood spent in Vancouver. It had been a long time since he could look at the stars and see just stars. He would look at the sky and think of the planets and the beings, and the possibilities. Right now, he wished for the simplicity of childhood. It would make his thoughts seem more appropriate.

He looked at the stars, and thought of her. Alone. Breathless. Frozen. He still wasn't sure what had happened. Joker was the only one who would know and he was still unconscious. He felt the burning ball of emotion in his throat and tried to choke it down. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could still smell her. The way the light floral, fruity scent would trail after her when she passed him at his station. That would never happen again. The way she would throw her head back and laugh, loud and rich. He'd never hear it again. The way she would whisper his name as she clung to him while they made love. He nearly choked on the sob as it sunk in that he'd never hold her again. He'd never again lie with his head against her chest and listen to her heartbeat.

How could she be here one minute, and be gone the next? Why? It's not fair. He sighed deeply. They were childish thoughts, he knew that, but it was all he could process. He heard soft footfalls crunching in the snow behind him. He turned and looked over his shoulder and found Liara. He was taken aback that she had come to him. She said nothing, and he watched as she stood next to him and looked up to the stars. He looked back up. She didn't say anything, but her hand reached out and took his. Her hand was warm and comforting in an unexpected way.

They stood in silence for a long while. Kaidan wasn't sure how long it was before he heard more footsteps behind him, heavier, and he turned to find Dr. Chakwas approaching. "Jeff is awake, and asking for you," She informed him and Kaidan felt his back stiffen. He didn't know if he wanted to talk to him, but deep down he knew he needed to.

"Should he be awake?" He asked as he released Liara's hand and she stepped away from him.

"No, but he is refusing medication until he speaks with you," She admitted, her frustration clear as she spoke. He sighed and turned to follow the doctor, leaving Liara where she stood. He glanced over his shoulder and watched as she turned to look back up at the stars. He entered the tent where Joker was set up. The lighting was warm and orange and gave the shadows on Joker's face a darker, more gruesome appearance. "I'll leave you two," Chakwas spoke softly after checking Joker's vitals. She left the tent, and Kaidan stepped closer to the cot.

Joker's head was bandaged, and his arms were wrapped and strapped against his chest to keep them stable. His legs had been splinted, and his face was pale with pain, blood loss, and grief. "Why are you giving Chakwas a hard time?" Kaidan asked him as he opened his 'tool and ran his own scan over him.

"I wanted to give you my report. I'll probably be out for awhile and I wanted to tell you what happened," Joker's voice was small, and sad. The general cockiness absent and replaced by shame. He was clearly blaming himself, and Kaidan felt his bravado soften. He wanted to blame Joker for her death, but it wasn't his fault, not really, and he knew that.

"Very well," Kaidan acquiesced and opened the program on his 'tool that would record Joker's words. He explained that Shepard had reached him shortly after the comms cut off and ordered him to evacuate and he had argued with her. Kaidan's jaw clenched at his admission but he said nothing. Joker explained that she had pulled him from his seat and nearly thrown him into the escape shuttle. Just as he crossed into the pod, their attacker had hit the ship again, knocking her away. He had called out to her, and he saw the resignation in her eyes as she reached out and pushed the launch button, sending Joker away from the ship as the Normandy broke apart.

"She was knocked away from the ship and there was nothing I could do," Joker finished, his voice breaking, and Kaidan nodded closing down his omni'tool. Kaidan thanked him for the report, and Joker nodded. Kaidan turned to leave and bring the Doctor back in. "Kaidan," Joker's voice was a whisper and he turned to look at the pilot. "I'm sorry," His voice broke when he spoke and Kaidan just shook his head and moved back to the cot he was resting on with a sigh.

Kaidan swallowed the emotion and scrubbed his hands over his face, he couldn't break down now, not in front of Joker. He thought back to Joker's response after Ashley's death, "Don't do that to her," Kaidan's voice was rougher than he expected, "Taking the blame just cheapens the sacrifice, right?" He asked the pilot, and was surprised when Joker's eyes filled with tears. "I don't know who it was, not yet, but we're going to find them and we're going to end them," Kaidan's voice had gained a hollow strength as he spoke and Joker's jaw clenched and he nodded. "Now, stop being a dick and let Chakwas help you," Kaidan ordered and Joker nodded again, closing his eyes.

Kaidan left the tent, and Chakwas entered after him. He went to his own tent as he felt himself breaking. He wanted to believe in what he'd told Joker, but right now, he had to focus on breathing. Which was proving harder than he thought it would.