Author's Note: I'm going to keep it simple, because these chapters break my heart and I want to move passed them as soon as possible. Thank you to Vorcha Girl, spacecats, Jules Hawk, Jewels 941, Elissa Theirin, PillarofNormandy, Kateriel79, and the guest for your comments on the last chapter. I wish I didn't have to do it, but I did have to. Surprisingly, now that this chapter is finished, it is one of my favorites. I hope you enjoy this next chapter for what it is... - TLC
Chapter Thirty-Nine
It had been one week since the Normandy went down. Kaidan was in his quarters on Arcturus. Sometimes, when it was quiet, he could hear her yelling, "Get the fuck out of here!" He couldn't stand that those were the last words she said to him. It was late in the morning. Kaidan checked the time as he dressed. He had just over an hour before her funeral. He would be in her Honor Guard. He would have to carry her empty coffin to its resting place. He would have to watch as it was slid into the wall where it would sit forever. It was empty; her body had been burned by it's entry into Alchera's atmosphere. At least, that's what they assumed. No remains had been found.
He hadn't seen any of the crew, aside from Chakwas, since the Alliance ships had picked them up the morning after the attack. Chakwas had stopped by a few days after they had arrived at the station to let him know Joker would make a full, but slow, recovery. Kaidan had simply thanked her before closing the door without inviting her in. He was anxious to disconnect. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to sit, and remember. The way she smelled, sounded, and felt. As the reality of her death had settled in, he shut everything off. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel anything but numb. After awhile, when numbness wasn't working, he decided he wanted to be angry. He wanted to blame Joker, though, that was unfair. There was no way she would have let any of her crew die if she could help it. Her dedication to her Alliance family had killed her. It took a few days, but eventually he realized he was angry with her; for ordering him away, for sacrificing herself for Joker… for leaving him. It was a day after that he realized he was angry with himself. Joker had disobeyed her and it killed her. Maybe if he had disobeyed her he could have saved her.
He was staring at his reflection as he finished buttoning the jacket of his Dress Blues. He had gone a few days without shaving, so it had taken him longer than normal to clean himself up. He was startled by the knock at his door. Grumbling, he went to it and was shocked at the person on the other side. Alex Alenko had heard about Shepard's death, and knew where he needed to be. He'd pulled out his Dress Blues and had taken the first shuttle available to get him to Arcturus before today. "Dad…" Kaidan greeted in a whisper as his father stepped into the room, dropping his bag to the floor just inside the door before closing it behind him. Kaidan felt his resolve start to break. Alex said nothing. He reached out and gripped Kaidan's shoulder before pulling him into a firm embrace. He felt Kaidan shake as he cried and clung to his father's stocky frame. Alex hadn't seen Kaidan like this since he was brought back from BAaT. He barely recognized his own son. Sure, he looked the same; the same color eyes, though they looked haunted, the same mouth, though it was turned down at the corners in a heart wrenching frown. Alex could smell the aftershave, but Kaidan's face was still covered in the shadows of intense grief.
It was the first time Kaidan had cried. It was the first time he felt safe enough to let the walls down. Once he did, he just couldn't stop. His father held him tighter, like if he let go, Kaidan would fall apart at the seams. Kaidan gasped through his tears, gulping breaths as he tried in vain to hold himself together. It was a long time before Kaidan felt the tears subsiding and his father released him and then held him and at arm's length. Kaidan's eyes flicked to his father's wet shoulder. Suddenly embarrassed, Kaidan turned away from him and went to the bathroom. He splashed water on his face and blew his nose. Alex turned and looked around the modest quarters. The curtains were drawn and it was dark. There were empty take out containers left out on any flat surface in the room. The air was stagnant, stale and when he turned to move further into the room, he tripped. He looked down and found the boxes Kaidan had shipped from home left in the middle of the floor where they were left. He sighed, and sat on the couch to wait for Kaidan. Which is where Kaidan found him when he came back out of the bathroom. Alex was sitting, his hat in his hands.
"You're going to be okay," Alex stated after a silent moment. That's exactly what it was, too, a statement not a question. He was telling Kaidan that it would get better, easier, that he would survive. "She would want you to be okay," He added and Kaidan sighed.
"Yeah," He answered, his voice hoarse from the tears he'd cried and the ones he was still choking on. "I keep thinking," He paused and leaned against the desk in the room, looking to his father, "Remember what she said, about her mom and Mindoir, about how everything happens for a reason?" Kaidan asked him and Alex nodded, already knowing where this was going. "Why? What was the reason? So Joker could live? It doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my head around it," Kaidan shook his head and scrubbed his hands over his face, determined not to cry again.
"She also said that she had just recently started figuring out why Mindoir happened. It took her thirteen years, maybe you just can't see it yet; forest through the tree and what not," Alex offered and Kaidan rolled his eyes. Alex couldn't help but be reminded, again, of the seventeen year old Kaidan who had returned from BAaT angry at the world, bitter, and helpless.
"It's just…" Kaidan started, but stopped, taking a deep shaky breath. What he wanted to say was so childish and simplistic it didn't seem fitting. Alex urged him to continue, "It's not fair." It was a whisper and Kaidan was looking at his feet. His shoes freshly shined. It's bizarre, the details you remember. He looked up to his dad, "Why would the universe give her to me just to take her away?"
There was no answer Alex could give him, and Kaidan knew that. His wording, though, told his father more than Kaidan thought it would have. So, Kaidan was surprised when his father simply stated, "You were in love with her." Kaidan felt his control slipping again as he met his father's eyes. Alex could see it in his grief, and Kaidan had known it in the end, but he had never said it. Why hadn't he said it? Why hadn't he shouted it from the rooftops? Kaidan just nodded. He was still in love with her. "You never told her," His father accused and Kaidan shook his head, his eyes dropping, again, shamefully. Alex sighed softly.
"Obviously, I didn't know her as well as you did, and I only saw you together that one night," Alex said as he stood and went to his son, who was so clearly heartbroken it made Alex's own chest ache. Considering the state of his quarters, which were normally kept refreshingly, militarily, clean, Alex realized Kaidan had most likely not left this room since they had returned. He sighed before speaking, "One thing was clear to me: she cared a great deal for you," Kaidan dropped his eyes again, and Alex noticed the tears slipping silently down his face. "You know, I really liked the way she looked at you. Like she was the luckiest woman in Vancouver that night," He said as he reached out and adjusted the pins on Kaidan's jacket. Kaidan met his eyes. "She said that night that everything happens for a reason. I can't believe the reason for this, is for it to break you. Like I said, she cared for you. Grieve, but don't stop living because she's gone," Alex stated and Kaidan nodded as he took a deep breath, steeling himself for the upcoming event. Kaidan wanted to say something, but was afraid that if he did, he would break again. "Let's go say goodbye," Alex urged and Kaidan took a deep breath. It was sticky in his mouth, and his throat felt too narrow, and burned, as he pushed the air out. Kaidan stood, placed his hat on his head, and tucked his white gloves into his pockets. He wouldn't need them until it was time to carry the casket.
They made their way through the station down towards the site of the ceremony. Kaidan felt like he was walking through molasses. The pins on Alex's lapel gave his rank, so soldiers were required to stop and salute. What surprised Kaidan was the number of older soldiers who knew his father by name. They reached the site of the ceremony and Kaidan was struck still at the picture being projected behind the podium. It wasn't a stock file photo. She was smiling and her eyes were bright. Her hair was pulled back but not in a bun and Kaidan noticed that same stray hair sticking out from what was holding it back. His fingers twitched at his side as if they themselves remembered what her hair felt like. As if his fingers had a mind and heart of their own that missed her. He clenched his jaw as the image changed to another stock photo. This one was of her with her crew from Akuze. She looked so young in the picture. He realized how much that one event had changed her. He wondered how he would feel, years from now, looking back on today. He shook those thoughts from his head. He didn't want to think about spending years without her. The next was her stock photo, with her hard set jaw and fire in her eyes. This was the Shepard he had expected before he'd met her in that shop. He swallowed hard as it flashed back to the first picture he had seen, and he tore his eyes away.
"Major Alenko," The deep, gruff voice behind them sounded surprised and they turned to meet and salute Admiral Hackett as he approached. Captain Anderson followed Hackett and came to stand next to Kaidan as his father and Hackett caught up. They had served together, briefly, after Hackett had enlisted. As deeply as Kaidan felt her loss, he could feel the grief coming from the Captain. Kaidan had known Shepard for less than a year. He had loved her maybe since the moment he'd met her, but so had Anderson; and Anderson had known her longer.
Kaidan looked up to Anderson's face. It was grim and angry as he stood at a relaxed attention. After a moment, Anderson turned to Kaidan, "How are you holding up, Alenko?" Anderson's voice was low, and thick with emotion. Kaidan wasn't sure how to answer. He couldn't be completely honest, it would sound obnoxious to Anderson, and he knew that.
"As well as can be expected," Was his answer and Anderson nodded. Kaidan was about to speak again, and Anderson interrupted him.
"I've heard a lot of great things about how you handled everything after the crash," Anderson stated as he turned and faced Kaidan fully. Kaidan turned as well, and he could feel the surprise on his features. "She would have been proud of you, Lieutenant," Anderson complimented him, and Kaidan coughed to hold back the tears prickling behind his eyes.
"Thank you, Sir. I certainly hope so," He answered as they were joined by Alex and Hackett. Hackett indicated that it was time. Kaidan made brief eye contact with his dad. Alex was surprised to see the anxiety in Kaidan's eyes. His father just stood a little straighter and nodded slightly. Kaidan turned and followed Anderson as he pulled on his gloves.
The casket was draped with the Alliance flag, and that was the last thing Kaidan let himself notice. He focused on his steps. They had to be perfect. He focused on the too light weight of the empty box that was supposed to hold her. He focused on his breathing, slow and steady as the horns sounded their sad song. They let the casket rest at the front of the room, snapped to attention, and saluted. They waited to be dismissed before marching to their seats.
People spoke. Kaidan heard nothing. He kept his eyes forward, and his jaw clenched as if he was holding back his tears behind his closed teeth. His mind drifted to just a few weeks ago, when they had gathered in a similar fashion, and spoke about her and her unlimited potential. Now, they were gathered again, saying goodbye. It was simply unbelievable. He was surprised that Tevos had attended. The Asari Councilor even opted to speak on behalf of the Council. He imagined that Shepard was here, and this was a ceremony for someone else. She would be huffing and rolling her eyes. Itching in her blues, and anxious to get them off. He sighed and closed his eyes, dropping his head for a moment.
He let the words float over him and focused on everything else. The sounds of the station. The way the seat was cutting into the back of his thighs. The discomfort he felt as the shoes he had on squeezed his feet too tight. He missed his boots. His collar itched and he struggled to sit still. After nearly an hour of focused avoidance, the ceremony was coming to an end. Kaidan, Anderson, and the rest of the Honor Guard stood and moved to the casket. Kaidan swallowed hard and blinked quickly. They lifted the casket on Anderson's order, and carried it towards her spot in the mausoleum.
When they let the casket rest on the stand, they lifted the flag, and folded it in the traditional triangle. There was no one to present it to. Instead, Anderson handed it to Hackett. Kaidan noticed Anderson's hands tremble just slightly as he held it out. It was the only outward sign of the Councilor's own grief. Kaidan wondered absently where it would end up, but something told him Anderson would have it in the end. He turned his eyes to the glistening brown casket. It was so simple, plain, and not enough for her. He was chewing the inside of his cheek, and he felt his breathing picking up.
They saluted, holding their stance as the twenty-one gun salute rang out. Kaidan struggled not to flinch at each resounding crack. They echoed through the station, making noise and bringing attention to the ceremony. When it ended, a lone trumpet sounded: TAPS. Kaidan felt himself losing the battle against his emotions, but it was okay. There were few people in the military who could make it through the sad melody without their eyes blurring. He took a few deep, slow breaths. He closed his eyes and saw her smiling. It was that bright smile that was accompanied by her loud laugh. He felt a tear roll down his face, and it was the only one he let fall. As the somber song ended, they slid the casket into its final resting place before slowly marching away.
At this point, Kaidan was glad his presence wouldn't be missed. His father met him near the back of the area. He was staring at the picture still displayed, and he felt it in his chest: The deep ache of knowing she was never coming back. He swallowed audibly and turned with his father. They went back to his quarters. Kaidan went immediately to the bathroom and stripped as quickly as he could, unhooking his amp and setting it on the sink. He closed the port before he stepped into the hot shower. He turned his face up towards the water pouring from the spout and pounding against his flesh. His hands went to the wall in front of himself to support his weight as he leaned into the stream.
He wept, loud, aching, desperate sobs. Grateful for the water that camouflaged the tears and the noise of the shower that hid the sounds of his grief. He clenched his jaw and his hands fisted. Without thinking, he pulled back and thrust his fist into the shower wall. Once. Twice. Three times. He dropped his head, the water beating at the back of his neck. After another long moment, he opened his eyes. He watched the blood from his torn knuckles as it swirled down the drain at his feet. He cupped the water near his chin and scrubbed his hands over his face. He washed quickly. It was unnecessary; he'd showered that morning but he thought maybe if he scrubbed hard enough he could wash some of the guilt away.
He realized as he stepped out of the shower it was futile. He cursed quietly when he looked at the damage on his knuckles. He wrapped a towel around his waist and ran his hands through his hair, pushing the excess water from it and felt it run down his back. He opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and quickly bandaged his hand. He stepped out of the bathroom. His father had changed into his typical khakis and t-shirt. He had cleaned up Kaidan's living space and opened the windows allowing in the artificial light and fresh air of the station. Kaidan winced. Alex looked at him, his eyes found Kaidan's face swollen from more than the hot shower. He saw his hand wrapped and sighed. Kaidan said nothing, he squared his shoulders, as if daring his father to reprimand him. Alex knew better. Kaidan turned into his bedroom to dress.
He met his father in the living area after pulling on shorts and a t-shirt. Alex handed him an open bottle of beer, and they sat on the couch, turning on the vid screen. Alex scanned through the options until he found a hockey game. Kaidan sighed as he leaned back and rested his head on the couch, taking a long pull from his bottle. Alex set his feet on the table in front of him, crossed at the ankle and said nothing. Kaidan looked to his father wondering how it was that he seemed to know exactly what he needed, when he wasn't even sure. It didn't matter. He'd never been more grateful for his dad than he was in this moment. Alex turned his head and met his eyes. "Thanks, Dad," Kaidan whispered and Alex nodded.
"Shh, the game's on," Alex said in response gesturing to the screen with his bottle. Kaidan felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips. It was the first time those muscles had worked in a week. Since the morning he'd woken up with Shepard. It felt wrong and instantly his face turned to a grimace and he closed his eyes. He wondered if a time would come when he would think of her and not feel pain.
He hoped not.
His father stayed a few days with him. Kaidan would wake up to his father making breakfast. His father would make plans to get to the gym, go for lunch, or meet up with old friends who were still serving. It wasn't until Alex's last day that he realized it had been his father's way of taking care of him. His way of making sure Kaidan fell into a routine, instead of back into the black hole Alex had found him in. It was Alex's last day when Kaidan was summoned to Anderson's office. Kaidan had walked with his father to the docks so he could catch his shuttle back to Earth. They'd embraced, long and hard, Alex slapping him on the back. Kaidan thanked him again and Alex just nodded and made Kaidan promise to come home soon to visit. He promised he would. It was then Kaidan noticed the fear in his father's face. Yeah, Shepard had died but Kaidan hadn't taken the time to realize how scared his family would have been when they heard the Normandy had been destroyed. "I'll be careful, Dad," He promised and Alex smiled sadly. Alex appreciated the promise, but knew it was nothing that could be promised.
Kaidan watched his father go, and turned to head towards Anderson's office. As he looked around, he couldn't help but feel like someone had turned down the lights. He wondered if they had, or if he just saw things darker now. He sighed deeply as he reached the Councilor's door. He was invited in and was surprised to see Admiral Hackett there as well. He moved to salute and the formality was waved away. Kaidan glanced quickly around the office and spotted the folded Alliance flag behind him. He sat across from Anderson and next to Hackett, suddenly feeling nervous.
Anderson cleared his throat as he leaned over his desk, his fingertips pressed together in a pyramid before him, "Would it surprise you to know you were being considered for a promotion and eventual command?"
"Yes, Sir," He answered, though it was a lie. He had assumed as much, especially when he'd considered the conversations he and Shepard had early in their mission. Anderson chuckled softly and Hackett called him a terrible liar. Kaidan forced a smile, it was still painful to do that naturally. "Well, I assumed but nothing was ever disclosed." Anderson and Hackett exchanged amused looks.
"Commander Shepard was quite impressed with you," Admiral Hackett announced, and Kaidan felt himself flush slightly, the heat rising from his collar. "At the beginning of your mission, with Anderson as Captain, she had been given the task of assessing you and deciding if you would be an appropriate candidate for XO," Hackett admitted.
"She wrote a glowing recommendation, referencing your professionalism, level head, and skill in battle. She commented on your biotic ability and how easily you blended your tech, biotic, and weapon skills. She also expressed her appreciation for your medic ability and how you managed to watch everyone on the field, to know where they were and what they needed before they knew themselves," Anderson added, and Kaidan averted his eyes. It was hard to hear what she had thought of him from someone else. She had told him more than once, but the fact that she put it on paper made it more real. It was suddenly more than pillow talk and confidence boosters.
"Between Shepard's recommendation, and the reports we received regarding your taking command on Alchera, you're being promoted," Hackett announced and Kaidan's eyes shot to his. The man's grizzled face wore a grin that was somehow at home among the scars. Hackett's grey eyes sparkled with pride and Kaidan forced another smile. "Congratulations Commander Alenko," Hackett offered his hand, which Kaidan shook firmly. He looked to Anderson, who was smiling sadly. Anderson held his hand out and Kaidan shook it. His eyes moved to the flag behind the Councilor and he clenched his jaw.
If it hadn't been for her review, and her sacrifice, he wouldn't have gotten the promotion. At least not this quickly. He sighed, and when his eyes landed on her flag he made her a silent promise. He would make her proud. He would make sure her sacrifice was not in vain. He couldn't bring her back, no matter how much he wanted to. People didn't come back from the dead. Yet, he could strive to live up to her example, and he would.
Author's Note: I took some liberties with the funeral. For anyone who may not be familiar, TAPS is a song sounded at dusk, and at funerals by the American military. It is usually played on the bugle or trumpet. It's a moving piece of music, and to me, it's not a military funeral without it. There have been a few adaptations of the lyrics. These, by Horace Lorenzo Trim, are my favorite. I hope you'll forgive my interpretation of the funeral, it was a difficult scene to write. - TLC
Fading light dims the sight
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright
From afar drawing nigh,
Falls the night.
Day is done, gone the sun
From the lakes, from the hills, from the skies
All is well, safely rest;
God is nigh.
Then goodnight, peaceful night;
Till the light of the dawn shineth bright.
God is near, do not fear,
Friend, goodnight.