Author's Note: Well, this chapter is not what I had thought it would be. I wasn't planning on getting here for at least two more chapters. Alas, my characters decide how their story is told, not me. Thank you to those who left comments on the last chapter: Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk, riehull, Kateriel79, PillarofNormandy, Elissa Theirin, RBurger, xXVioletscriptXx, and the guest. Especially considering the content, I'm glad you liked it and took the time to let me know.
To Vorcha Girl, a special thanks. Your support has been fantastic, and I can't express how much it means. THANK YOU.
Thank you all for your patience. This chapter is not only in a new spot, but it's not at all like I originally saw it. I quite literally wrote it out half a dozen times before it was right. I hope you enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Forty
Human colony of Horizon; 27 Months after Sloan Shepard's Death
Kaidan stretched in the small bed and looked to the clock. It was still dark in the cramped space he was staying in. The sun wasn't up yet, but his day was beginning. He went to the kitchen of the standard colony home and prepped the coffeemaker. He drank a large glass of water from the fridge before walking to the small living area. He stretched his arms over his head before bending and touching his toes. Without thinking, he dropped down and started his morning routine. Push-ups, crunches, and pull-ups, followed by a run around the colony's perimeter; all before his morning coffee.
As he started his run, he had to admit Horizon was beautiful, and peaceful. Colony life was much different than life on Earth and he was beginning to see the benefits. The sun was just barely starting to rise, and the colonists were waking up. Most ignored him as he passed, a few offered a good morning. The colonists weren't too keen on the idea of having anyone from the Alliance here, let alone a Commander whose task was to set up defensive towers that no colonist actually wanted.
He'd already been on Horizon for two months, and he was still unable to calibrate the targeting matrix and it was enough to drive him insane. He had to be missing something, he just wasn't sure what it could be. It was quite possible, after the message he'd received from Anderson the week earlier he was simply distracted. He let his mind wander as he considered the Councilor's words. Human colonies were being attacked. Entire colonial populations were disappearing with no sign of violence. The belief was that Cerberus was behind the attacks on the colonies, though motive was still a mystery. Anderson was convinced Horizon would be next, just taking into consideration location and population.
Kaidan enjoyed the pounding of his feet on the dirt as the sun broke over the colony. A thin coating of sweat had broke out over his skin as he ran, and the air brushing over him was refreshing. He tried not to think about the other part of Anderson's letter. The part that referenced the rumors. Rumors that Sloan hadn't died, and that she was working with Cerberus. He simply couldn't believe it, it was absurd. She had died in space over Alchera more than two years ago. He had been to her funeral. He had loved her, and though she had never said it… Well, at the very least he knew she cared about him and he couldn't believe she wouldn't have contacted him if she were alive. He spent two years grieving, and trying to let go.
He'd even tried dating. Well, that was a stretch. Some of his buddies on Arcturus had convinced him to go out with a Doctor friend on the Citadel. She was nice enough, and attractive. She had rich, auburn hair and bright, happy green eyes. Her skin was fair, and her thin lips stretched pleasantly over bright white teeth when she smiled. Even in heels, she was a bit shorter than him, and he could see why his friends insisted he go out with her. She had curves in all the right places and she knew how to wear a dress. They'd had a good time together, enjoyed their conversation over their meal. He'd even genuinely laughed with her.
He had politely ignored the flirtatious comments she had dropped his way. The hints that she was looking for more than dinner fell on deaf ears. When she reached out and trailed a finger over the back of his hand, he'd used that hand to lift his glass of wine. He was having a pleasant time, but it was missing something. There was no rush in his veins. There was no pounding in his chest. He wasn't pleasantly nervous and lightheaded. It felt hollow. He found he was grateful when the waiter brought the check and he quickly handed over his credit chit to pay the tab.
When he walked her out of the restaurant, it was later than he had thought it would be. "This was fun," He commented, and she nodded as she let a sound of agreement slip through her smiling lips. When he felt her hand brush against his, he tucked his in his pockets. They reached the console and called her shuttle before she turned towards him. He rocked nervously on the balls of his feet. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, and bit her lip. She reached out and her fingers toyed with the buttons of his shirt just over his belly button. He'd swallowed hard and barely heard her when she asked if he wanted to share a cab. He seriously considered it. It was clear what she wanted, and Kaidan knew he could go home with her and enjoy himself. He smiled politely, and covered her hand with his removing it from his shirt.
"Actually, Arianna, I'm heading the other way," He squeezed her hand briefly, and she dropped her eyes to her feet as a blush that was not unpleasant spread over her cheeks. He mentally kicked himself. What was he holding out for? Shepard was gone, and Arianna was nice enough. "I would like to do this again sometime, though, if you'd like," He offered and she looked up at him and smiled brightly. He forced a grin, and with her hand still in his, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. She had leaned into him at the contact and he had to force himself not to pull away too quickly. She was smiling, and blushing, when the shuttle pulled up. He helped her inside and closed the door for her. He watched it pull away before turning.
He shipped out shortly after, and never called her. That was almost a year ago. It wasn't one of his proudest moments, but he didn't see the point in trying to force something that wasn't there. He reached his temporary quarters and stretched before starting the coffee maker and getting into his shower. He had fallen into a nice routine here on Horizon, and though the people were resistant to him and his work, he was beginning to care for them. The thought of Cerberus bringing ships here to abduct them enraged him. Cerberus was a group who claimed to want to protect and promote humanity, why would they be decimating whole populations? It was another reason Kaidan could not believe Shepard would be working with them. Violence towards colonies was not something she handled well, and was not something she would stand for, let alone assist with.
He finished his shower and dressed quickly in his BDUs before pouring his coffee and making himself breakfast. He ate quickly while reading over the messages that came in for him over night, and replied to the messages that required it. He stood, dropped his dishes in the sink and left his quarters to start his day. He went to the center of the colony where the defensive towers were set up and immediately got to work.
He heard soft footfalls after working for a few hours, and glanced to his left. He saw a pair of brown boots with blue jeans hugging slender calves. He chuckled and slid out from beneath the tower. "Morning, Lilith," He offered as he looked up to her face. The sun was shining brightly in the sky behind her, and all he could make out was the shadow of where she was standing.
"Good afternoon, Commander," She corrected him and Kaidan's eyes widened as he checked his omni-tool. He shook his head, sure enough, it was well passed noon and once again he'd missed lunch. He was surprised his stomach hadn't reminded him. She held up a bag, "You forgot to eat again, didn't you?" She asked him and he laughed as she held her hand out to him. She pulled him to his feet and they walked around a corner towards a table. "Have you had any headaches?" She asked him as they sat and she pulled the food from the bag. She was the colony's medic and he had gone to her a few weeks ago requesting the meds from Dr. Chakwas's cocktail.
She had been surprised by the strength of the meds he was requesting, but thankfully she hadn't questioned it. She medicated him, and insisted he stay in the clinic overnight. He wanted to argue, but didn't have the energy. He curled up in a ball and let the medication put him to sleep. He'd woken up the next morning, as refreshed as he could be. Thankfully, she let him eat before she started with the third degree. He'd filled her in on his migraines and she'd listened intently. She made him promise to come to her in the future, and not to wait until it got that bad. He agreed, and when she smiled at him he felt an uncomfortably familiar warmth in his chest.
"Not lately, no," He answered, and lifted the sandwich she'd brought for him. They ate together in companionable silence. There weren't many on Horizon who were friendly with him, and he appreciated her kindness. He opened his mouth to say as much when they were interrupted by Delan.
The mechanic rushed up to the table and glared at Kaidan before speaking, "Lilith, communications are down. We need your help," He announced and she nodded.
"Did something happen?" Kaidan asked as he wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked up at him. He suspected his tech skills would be able to help with the issue, and wanted them to know he was available to help.
Delan scowled at him, "It's colony business. You just mind your towers and get the hell out of here as soon as possible." Kaidan nodded and dropped his eyes to the table. It was frustrating. He was here, and he had the skills to help, but people like Delan were too focused on their hatred of the Alliance to accept the assistance.
"I'll be right over, Delan," She announced and Delan glared at Kaidan for another moment before walking away, muttering under his breath. Kaidan looked back up to her, and they shared a laugh. It was par for the course with Delan. "If I can't get it up and running…" She paused and he smiled, and promised to help if she needed it. Together they stood and cleared their table. They fell into step with each other as they walked back towards the center of the colony. "Though, I don't know how much help you'll be if you can't even calibrate the targeting matrix on the defense towers," She answered, the teasing tone in her voice made Kaidan laugh.
"Ouch," He added, and she giggled. It was soft, and feminine, and Kaidan liked it. It was surprising, but her genuine kindness and the ease he felt in her company warmed him to her. "Seriously, though, the towers are useless if we can't get it figured out."
"Sorry, Commander, but getting our comm systems back on line takes priority," She answered, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. He stopped and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"It's Kaidan, Lilith, please," He asked and she blushed looking to her feet without saying anything. He sighed, "Yeah, alright. I guess I should be grateful they haven't tried to blame comms going down on me yet." He said, the frustration plain in his voice and she looked up at him, her eyes gentle.
"People out here don't trust the Alliance," She took a step closer to him, and he was surprised when she reached out and touched his forearm. "It's nothing personal," Her promise was quiet, and he recognized the look in her eye. He hadn't seen it in a long time, and he was glad the sight pleased him more than anything else. He was about to thank her again for bringing him lunch when he noticed her eyes move over his shoulder.
He turned and saw an enormous ship entering the planet's atmosphere. It was following a cloud of something, they looked like birds but moved in an odd way. He lifted his pistol and used the scope to get a better look. "Get everyone to the safe house," He ordered, and he could feel Lilith's fearful gaze on him. He turned and looked at her, "Now! I'll cover you!" He said, his tone more forceful. He shot off a couple of rounds into the cloud of bird size flying insects before he was stung. He felt the sharp stab in the back of his neck, and pulled it off of him and threw it to the ground.
He felt the strangest sensation. It was like he was suddenly walking through water, which thickened to molasses. Then, he couldn't move at all. Like the ancient bugs trapped forever in amber, he was frozen in place by some outside force. He could hear, though it was muffled. He could see, but he couldn't move more than his eyes. He tried to focus, tried to flare, anything to break the hold on him. It was futile. He panicked deep inside as he realized this was the beginning of the attack and he was helpless to stop it. A lot of good his presence was going to do.
It seemed like hours passed, he wasn't entirely sure how long it had been. Eventually, the force holding him eased and he fell to his hands and knees. He could hear gunfire near the center of the colony and he took off running. He was just a few feet away and he heard Delan yelling, begging for whoever he was talking to, to do something. "What the fuck do you want me to do?" He heard her snap and he stopped dead in his tracks. At the sound of that voice, he was fairly certain his heart stopped heating. He felt the bile burning in the back of his throat. It couldn't be… "Where the fuck were you? Hiding in your bunker?" She continued to yell. He started walking again, slower this time. Forcing his feet to move, one in front of the other. His head felt fuzzy.
"If it weren't for Shepard you would have lost the whole colony," The familiar two-toned voice rang out, and Kaidan paused again. He reached out and braced himself on the crates near by.
"Shepard? I know that name, you're some kind of big Alliance hero…" Delan accused as Kaidan continued walking towards them. He saw her before she saw him. It was like, all of a sudden, everything was moving in slow motion.
He rounded the corner, and said her name, "Commander Shepard," She turned to look at him, and he took in everything about her as his heart thundered in his chest. His extremities were tingling with the desire to touch her, hold her, and confirm she was real. He noticed the relief as it washed over her face. Her lip trembled slightly, and her hand twitched towards him as a small smile graced her familiar full lips. He tore his eyes from her, and looked to the irate mechanic, "You're standing in front of a legend, Delan," His eyes moved to her again, and he met her cool gaze. "And a ghost."
"All the good people we lost and you get left behind," Delan grumbled, "Figures… screw this… I'm done with you Alliance types." He threw his hands up and walked away. Kaidan looked over the group she had with her. It was Garrus he had heard, he'd thought so. He took note of the intense scarring on one side of the Turian's face and absently wondered what happened to him. He noticed Garrus was standing in his spot behind her and slightly to the right. He felt an irrational pang of jealousy at the sight of the Turian. Why had she contacted Garrus and not him? To her left was an … interesting character, to put it mildly. The woman was bald, and aside from the tattoos covering her flesh she was wearing little else; green khaki pants, black combat boots, and the only thing covering her top half were strategically placed suspenders and leather straps.
His eyes moved back to her. She was staring at him intently. Her hands opening and closing at her sides. He took a few steps closer. It was absolutely impossible. He could feel his breathing increase as he stared at her. His eyes moved over her face, drinking in every curve and angle. Her cheeks flushed under his gaze, her lip pinched between her teeth. It was all so familiar, so Sloan. He'd thought he remembered what she looked like, but with her standing in front of him the memories seemed dim and clouded. He took another step closer and it was then he noticed what was missing. Her skin was perfect, flawless, and her eyes had lost their warmth. There was no hum of her biotics as he neared her. He watched her swallow hard. She took a step closer to him, and his breath hitched in his throat. Her hand reached up hesitantly and her fingertips touched his cheek.
Her touch was warm.
He stepped back out of her reach and her arm fell to her side as he glared at her. "You want to tell me what's going on here?" He asked, his voice hard and his brow creased as he demanded an answer.
She ignored his question as her eyes moved over his face, her hands clenched at her sides. "Are you-are you alright?" He was surprised by her the concern in her tone, and more confused than he could remember being.
"I'm fine," He answered sharply. "What are you doing here?" He was still trying to grasp the reality of her presence. She was supposed to be dead, not standing in front of him, looking at him with soft, concerned eyes.
"I – what?" She asked and he was put off by the confusion in her tone.
"You were declared dead. Do you know what that did to your crew? To Anderson? To me?" He snapped, his eyes dark with pain and anger.
She winced slightly before continuing with an unusual desperation in her voice, "Maybe I was, I don't know. I wasn't conscious. I was in some kind of coma, or something, while I recovered. I don't really understand all of it but then the Collectors started abducting human colonies. So, Cerberus woke me up so I could take care of it, since the Alliance and the Council are turning a blind eye, again."
"Cerberus?" He asked her, looking to Garrus and the woman behind her with wide eyes as he took another step away from her. "You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me, for Cerberus?" He snapped, wishing the hurt wasn't so plain in his voice.
He watched as the intimate nuances of her gaze slid away and were replaced by the cold, hard glare of the Commander he had once known. Her eyes narrowed at him, her lips drawn in a tight line. "Betrayed? I haven't betrayed anyone. The Alliance declared me dead. The Council smeared my name. Cerberus gave me a ship, a crew, and supplies to take care of a problem. So that's what I'm doing... I'm saving the galaxy," She argued, throwing her arms out wide at her sides. Her tone laced with her irritation. Her arms dropped against her thighs as she continued, "It's what I do."
"Bullshit," He snapped. He stared at her, still unable to believe she was really standing in front of him. She glanced over her shoulder at the tattooed woman, and then looked back to Kaidan. He felt the anger boil over as his feet seemed to move, bringing him closer to her, without his decision to do so. She gave no ground as he invaded her space. She just tilted her head back to keep her eyes on his. "I deserve more than this. I deserve an explanation, Shepard," His eyes were locked on hers, begging for her to make it make sense to him. She stood silent, with her arms crossed over her chest. "You have to give me more than that. Goddamn it, I loved you," For a second he saw the surprise in her eyes at his admission. It was gone almost before he saw it, her walls were up, high and wide. His head was reeling. He felt numb, and anxious. She looked away from him then, and his chest heaved as he waited for her to respond.
"No, I don't," She replied simply, shrugging, "All I have to do, is stop these attacks. You can either come with me, or not. I don't have time for this," She turned her eyes back to him as she gestured between them with one hand, her voice was cold and disconnected. He tried to remember the way she sounded before. When she was lying next to him, with her head on his chest, speaking soft and low. It was so far away, and now even those memories were tainted by the ice in her voice.
"Well, I guess that's it, then," He answered barely taking a step away from her. He felt dizzy and their eyes stayed locked. Was he really going to walk away from this? The one thing he had wished for over the last two years was right in front of him. As much as he wanted to take it, to indulge, to follow her, it felt wrong. It was wrong. First and foremost, he was an Alliance soldier. He couldn't understand what Cerberus would have had to do to get her on their side, but she clearly wasn't the woman he'd fallen in love with.
"What happened to 'always'?" She asked in a whisper, the softness of her tone coupled with the naked emotion in her eyes startled him, and he stared at her slack jawed. Her question knocked the wind from his lungs, and for a second he struggled to catch his breath as his eyes narrowed at her.
"The woman I made that promise to is gone," He answered quietly. Regret danced in his voice as he turned on his heel and walked away form her. Each step a sharp stabbing pain in his core. His hands were clenched at his sides, and he was swallowing hard, repeatedly, as if he were trying to swallow the unanswered questions, the hurt, and the anger back down so he could work. He had to work. He had to take care of what was left of the colony. He had to report to the Alliance.
He heard the shuttle lift off moments later as he reached the safe house. He turned and looked over his shoulder to watch as the shuttle took her away from him. It took her back to Cerberus; back to the enemy and the pain in his chest was as acute as it had been the day she had died. No, the day she had left him. He closed his eyes, forced it down and opened the door before him. In the end, the Collectors had taken roughly half the colonists, Lilith included. He scrubbed his hands over his face as he reached out to the Alliance for back up. He was anxious to get to the Citadel and talk to Anderson. He put the thoughts aside and focused on his work; anything to take his attention from the familiar emptiness that was suddenly screaming from deep inside him.
Author's Note: If you haven't already, and are curious about when you should, now would be the time to read my one shot titled, Then, She Woke Up. In it, Sloan Shepard has had the most confusing 48 hours of her life. A one-shot where Shepard tries to process everything she's learned since she woke on the Cerberus station two days ago. - I'd love to know what you think! - TLC