Author's Note: Hey! So, the bflo in my name is for Buffalo, as in Buffalo, NY, as in the site of the worst lake effect snowstorm, I think ever. I have been officially snowed in since Monday night. It's been stressful, but you'll get to reap the benefits of my downtime. I have this next chapter ready, and am hoping to have another chapter ready soon since there is no end in sight at this point. Good news? I'm fine. I'm safe and with my family. It's not as nice for others in my city, however, and it's going to get worse early next week ... alright, I'll stop, and get back to the point. Thank you to those who read and commented on the last chapter: Kris B, Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk, AngstyShenko, spacecats, riehull, Elissa Theirin, Kirsah, WiseGirl9859, and Kateriel79. I have to admit, I am excited to see what you think of this chapter and can't wait to hear from you!

Vorcha Girl, I feel like a broken record sometimes, but thank you for everything! You're support has been amazing. Seriously, if you haven't read her work you're missing out on some of the best writing on this site. Definitely check it out asap.

I guess that's all... Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter 48

A Spectre. Councilor Udina wanted him to be a Spectre. Kaidan was standing at the back of the therapy room Throwing the same blocks from the week before against the padded wall and watching them bounce off. It had been another week of daily therapy, and he was feeling stronger with every day. He was not where he was before the attack, but he was getting closer. His shoulders still ached after every session. His head ached, too, but that was to be expected. After his workouts, he would retire to his room and watch the Alliance News Network. He had been surprised to see that Shepard had allowed a reporter on the Normandy. It hadn't seemed like something she would do, but he supposed it made sense. They needed to get the truth out to the public. The best way to do that was to have some control.

The reports from Earth were grim. The death counts were staggering and it was difficult to pick out what was real and what was propaganda. Kaidan wished he had heard from his parents. He hadn't. He wished he had heard from Anderson. He hadn't. He wished he had heard from his students, but they had been scattered and if they were doing their jobs, the jobs he had trained them for, they would not be easy to find.

At least he knew the Normandy had docked with the Citadel that morning. He thanked the news report from the ship's crew deck for that information. If he was being completely honest with himself, he was hoping Shepard would come in to see him, but he wasn't going to send her another message. He had seen Thane around the hospital a few times in the last week. The Drell always seemed so put together, and unphased. Lately, Kaidan's emotions raged near the surface and he couldn't figure out the cause.

Currently, he felt the frustration bubbling up from his core as he whipped the blocks at the wall faster, harder. A thin layer of sweat broke out on his brow, and his amp started burning at the base of his head. He ground his teeth at the reminder of his injury as he continued the exercise. His breathing increased to near panting as the blocks bounced off the wall and ricocheted towards him. He used his opposite hand to sheath himself in a biotic barrier to deflect the rebounding blocks. It was the most work he had done since the injury and it almost felt good. Like working out muscles that had been stagnant for too long.

With a yell, he sent a block to the wall and it broke into small pieces and hit the floor. He stopped and the blocks still in midair fell with a clatter as he took slow deep breaths to calm himself down. He needed to be done with this. He needed to get back out there, into the battle. He needed to be released from this hospital, but it seemed like Dr. O'Connor always found just one more test to run. He felt like a pet, or a science project, with his L2 implant. He sighed and wiped his hand across his brow as the ache started to travel from the back of his head to the front.

This had happened over the last week, he knew he was pushing himself a little too hard but it was too difficult to sit around and know there was something more he could be doing. By the time he would finish his sessions he would have a headache, but they had passed without turning to a full blown migraine and he was grateful for that. He hoped the same would happen today as he took a long drink of his water and started towards his room.

He went to the bathroom, removing his amp and closing the port before stripping and stepping into the shower. He was using a Solaris, the basic amp supplied to all biotic recruits. It was the least powerful amp he had used since before he started on the Normandy; since before he met Shepard at that amp shop on Arcturus. Arcturus. The station had been destroyed earlier that week. His quarters, the small things he had saved from his parents' home, Shepard's … well, the site of her memorial, were all destroyed by the Reapers. Not to mention the deaths of the Alliance Parliament and Prime Minister. The center of the Alliance in space, now a frozen grave for 45,000 people.

He finished his shower, drying and dressing quickly. The heat and moisture had helped his headache, much to his relief. He glanced at himself in the mirror. The bruises had faded to a sickly green and he had a day's worth of growth on his face. He knew he should take the time to shave but he had to admit, he was tired. The workout had taken a lot out of him. As he looked at his reflection, he felt his stomach drop and turn to ice at the sight of the blood trickling from his nose.

He cursed, grabbed a cloth and pressed it to his nose to try to stop the bleeding. Dr. O'Connor had scolded him earlier in the week, telling him he was pushing himself too hard and to take his recovery a little easier. Kaidan had ignored him, and he would continue to ignore him. He had to work hard; he had to get better as soon as possible. He sighed, and checked; glad to see the bleeding had stopped. He tossed the cloth in the trash. He washed his hands and rinsed his face before grabbing the case holding his amp and going back to his bed.

He swallowed hard knowing he would not tell the Doctor about the nosebleed. He knew that the Doc would make him stay in the hospital longer, and that was not something he could do. The door slid open and Kaidan jumped and his eyes met the pinched gaze of the Human Councilor, Donnell Udina. He hadn't changed much over the last few years. If anything he seemed slimier, less trustworthy, with his hunched shoulders, hooked nose, and thin lips. Kaidan always felt dirty after speaking with him. He shifted in his bed, adjusting the blanket over his legs.

"Major," Udina greeted, his nasally voice instantly grated on Kaidan's nerves.

"Afternoon, Councilor. What can I do for you?" He asked as Udina strode in and stood near the bed. He smelled strongly of aftershave, or cologne, or something, but it was pungent and bitter. Kaidan's stomach rolled.

"Have you given any more consideration to our offer?" Udina asked, and Kaidan sighed quietly. He should have known that's why he was here. He had no other reason to see him.

"I'm still thinking about it. Honestly, I can't even be sure when I'll be released and what my abilities will be," Kaidan admitted, it was a half-truth. He didn't know how long he would be in the hospital, but he planned on being the same soldier he had always been, if not better.

"I'd like an answer, Major. The galaxy is in need of exceptional soldiers like you, now more than ever," Udina urged, and Kaidan heard the door slide open behind him. The scent of plum blossoms was on the air displaced by the opening of the door and Kaidan's heart jumped to his throat.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise," Kaidan answered, anxious for him to leave so Shepard wouldn't think she was interrupting.

"I'll look forward to it," Udina sneered, before turning away from Kaidan. It was then that Kaidan actually saw Shepard. When his eyes first landed on her, he was surprised at her appearance. She was dressed in Alliance BDUs with her N7 hoodie over it, and zipped up tight. Her hair was up in its bun and her arms were crossed over her chest. She seemed tense, exhausted, and a bit too thin in his opinion. He felt the concern deep in his core as he took in her gaunt features. "Shepard," Udina sneered at her as he pushed his way to the door.

"Udina," She greeted in return and her frozen gaze followed him from the room. She turned back towards Kaidan, her eyes down. "Hey," She greeted softly, finally lifting her eyes to his. Her lip pinched between her teeth.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan answered, shifting in his bed feeling a bit uncomfortable he was so vulnerable. He wondered if she had felt like this when the roles were reversed. She asked what Udina wanted as she pulled a chair up closer to his bed. He watched her, wishing she would look at him so he could try to see what she was thinking. "The uh, Councilor offered me a Spectre position," He admitted, his voice quiet, feeling slightly embarrassed at the offer. She sat and her eyes finally met his and the air of uncertainty seemed to lift from her as his gaze held hers.

"That's amazing, Kaidan," She replied, sounding proud, and he felt his confidence soar at her surety. "You're taking it, right?" She asked, like it was the easiest decision and not even worth considering.

"It's a big decision. It's an honor, of course, a lot of responsibility," He explained and she cocked her eyebrow at him and smirked. He felt the corner of his mouth twitch, "He says to the first human Spectre," He added, mocking himself and she breathed out a laugh, dropping her eyes to her hands for a moment. His mind spun at the sound as he grinned. He couldn't take his eyes off her. It was still hard to believe she was real. When she lifted her eyes to his, again, her cheeks colored lightly.

"I can't think of anyone more qualified," She admitted, and he thanked her softly as she nodded. A silence fell on them, and for the first time since he met her, it was uncomfortable. There was too much stuff between them. Too much that had been said; too much that hadn't been said. Kaidan didn't know where to start. As much as he tried not to, he'd spent a lot of time thinking about the memory Thane and unwillingly shared with him. She'd meant to die on the Collector station. Call it a sacrifice if you want, it was suicide and it made Kaidan's blood run cold. Thankfully, she broke the silence, "So, Major…" She emphasized his rank and he chuckled lightly, but didn't respond. The promotion still seemed a bit hollow. He was promoted from Lieutenant to Commander after Alchera. He was promoted from Commander to Major after Horizon. He didn't feel like he'd earned the promotion to Major. The only reason half the colony had been saved was because Shepard was there. "What have you been up to?"

"Ah, Anderson asked me to take over this Spec Ops program," Kaidan offered, still feeling a bit awkward. "First Special Operations, Biotics Division." When he met her eyes, she looked impressed as she asked about their specialty. He shifted again, turning towards her just slightly. "Covert, high risk missions," He answered simply. "I turned it down at first," He admitted and her face betrayed her curiosity, her brow creased, "I mean me? Teaching?" He shook his head. "I prefer to get my hands dirty."

"Yeah, but, Anderson can be pretty persuasive," She offered looking down to her hands, twisting in her lap. He could have kicked himself for bringing up the Admiral. Of course it would make her worry, he started to say something, to tell her he was sure Anderson was fine, but she spoke over him. "Besides, with your history, you're the perfect choice," She insisted, without looking at him. He thanked her, and that thickness returned to the air between them. She cleared her throat, "Have you heard from your parents?"

It was Kaidan's turn to feel the uncertainty in his chest, "No, they were on a shuttle out of Vancouver the morning the Reapers hit. They were heading out to the Orchard," He explained, and looked to her. He saw the concern on her face and it woke something in his chest that he had missed. There was a whisper of heat in her eyes, and he wanted to hold on to it. He cleared his throat, "I'm hoping my dad's Alliance training will keep them alive," He admitted and she reached out, almost instinctively, and placed her hand on his arm.

His eyes locked on hers at the contact, and he wasn't sure what she saw in his eyes, but she pulled her hand away as if she was embarrassed at the show of affection. He sighed, laying his head back on the pillow. Her voice was concerned when she spoke, "How are you, really?" She asked quietly.

He turned his head towards her, "I feel good. Doc says my amp was destroyed, and my implant shifted," He was surprisingly pleased by the concern on her features, but he still felt the need to reassure her, "But I'm already working with my biotics again with therapy. Hopefully, I'll be out of here soon."

Her eyes moved to the case on the table next to his bed, and without asking she reached for it. She opened the clasp and looked inside. If it had been anyone else, it would have frustrated him. An amp is quite the personal piece of equipment, but he found he didn't mind her handling it. She raised her eyebrows and looked at him through her lashes, "A Solaris?" She asked, the technical disgust was plain in her voice and he actually chuckled.

"Yeah, it's what was available for practice," He answered with a defensive chuckle, "and I haven't really had the opportunity to order a replacement."

"Right," She responded as she closed the case and carefully set it back on the table. She looked to his face and locked eyes with him. He was surprised by the emotion he saw raging behind her eyes. She seemed so overwhelmed, and that air of fatigue clung to her stubbornly. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan," Her apology was a whisper and she leaned closer to him. Her arms resting on the edge of his bed and her hands folded together.

"What for?"

"You almost died, because… I hesitated. I don't even know why I didn't take that shot but that… that thing almost killed you. I … I don't know what I would have done if you had died. It was terrifying," She admitted, and he reached out and covered her hands with one of his. They still fit perfectly in his palm, and he suddenly flashed back to all the other times he had held her hands in his.

"I didn't die," He reminded her quietly, and she looked up and offered him an unsure smile. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still hoarse with emotion when he spoke, "You have to stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control," He responded, turning her words back on herself. She worried her lip as her cheeks flushed. She let a laugh slip from her nose. "You know, I … I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you," He offered her, and immediately her eyes moved from his and she sat back in her chair pulling her hands out from beneath his.

"It's not like there's a handbook for this situation," She replied and sighed gently, fidgeting in her seat as she looked to the pattern on the floor.

"No, there isn't," He agreed with a chuckle. "It would be a lot easier if there was. Shepard, I-" He interrupted himself and let his breath out through his nose as their eyes stayed locked. He knew what he wanted to say, and he knew what he wanted to ask but he didn't know how she would react to either. He missed the connection they had, and wanted it back more than he could say.

"What is it, Kaidan?" Her question caught him off guard, and maybe it shouldn't have.

He picked at the edge of his blanket. She stared at his face; he could feel it, though he didn't lift his eyes. "I just, I heard something about you and some assassin from your crew," He admitted, and he felt his heart stop for a second when she snorted and his eyes snapped up to her. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest.

"That's fuckin' ballsy Mr. I-Dated-A-Doctor-On-The-Citadel," She bit the words at him, and his ears burned at the vicious tone in her voice.

"Well, actually, it was one date, and you were dead, Shepard," He reminded her, his heart sinking when she didn't deny it. He tried not to think about the Drell's scaly lips on hers. He tried not to think about his hands cupping her face or ... touching her anywhere else. He tried not to think about her head resting on his chest the way she had laid it on his. He was nauseated and angry; he hadn't expected the anger. "Well, I thought you were dead."

"Yeah, Kaidan, I died. I didn't choose to leave. I don't know about you but I remember every second of Horizon and you walked away from me. You made yourself pretty clear that day. 'The woman I made that promise to is gone,' I believe were your words," She reminded him, her voice bitter. He sighed, looking away from her. He had seriously screwed up, he hadn't been able to accept her; not as easily as Garrus, Tali, and Liara. There was nothing he could do about it now. It was silent in the room. There was this monstrous space between them and he had no idea how to breach it.

She mumbled something, and he heard her chair squeak as she stood to leave. His hand shot out and grabbed her forearm. She turned and glared at him, "You're right. I was an ass, but Shepard, you don't understand," His tone was harder than he intended, but he couldn't help it. She couldn't just blame him for everything and walk away. He wouldn't let her.

"What?" She snapped, "What don't I understand?"

"We all thought you died. Do you realize what that means? There was a memorial service. I was in your Honor Guard," He paused, swallowing hard as the memory of that day hit him in his chest. She whispered his name, and her features softened and she sat. He released her arm and she moved her chair closer to his bed. His eyes locked on hers, and he hid nothing. He needed her to see what that time had done to him. She had to understand where he was, emotionally, when he saw her again. "Shepard, I carried your casket. I folded your flag, and I had to pretend like you were just another soldier, just my CO. I had to mourn you, and I couldn't let anyone see how… wrecked I was," She dropped her eyes from his then, and he knew this would be hard for her to hear, but she needed to. "Seeing you on Horizon, it… it sent me spinning and I handled it poorly. I'll own that, and I am sorry." She didn't say anything, but she sniffled. Kaidan let the silence linger for a moment. "I know," He whispered, "I know I said really shitty things, on Horizon and again on Mars but I buried you," He noticed as the faint traces of color in her overly pale skin faded, but he continued. "Then there you were, and you were with Cerberus and I couldn't wrap my head around that. Garrus was with you, and I couldn't understand why you would have contacted him and not me. I was angry, and jealous, and hurt and I wanted to hurt you," He admitted and he could not express how good it felt to get it all out.

He watched her intently, waiting for some kind of reaction from her frozen, unreadable features. "No, Kaidan," She whispered as she leaned forward and rested her arms on the edge of his bed. He wasn't sure what she was saying no to. "Nothing happened between Thane and me," She confessed, and suddenly, it was as if the constant buzzing in his ears ceased, and a knot of tension in his core eased.

"What?" He asked, still unable to process her admission.

"Thane and I, we're just friends. I care about him, but no, nothing happened," She declared. He felt lighter than he had in years, he couldn't remember the last time he felt this relieved. Maybe when he found out Shepard had survived at the Battle of the Citadel. She met his eyes, and sighed. "But Kaidan, I wouldn't have been doing anything wrong if something had happened," she insisted. He knew she was right, but he couldn't help the fact that he was glad she hadn't. Somehow, it made it feel like they were closer; knowing there was no one between them but themselves.

"I know," He admitted, and she nodded and looked to her hands where she was picking at her Cerberus perfected nails. "Shepard, I want you to know that, for me, there is no one else and … and I still care. I've lived without you, and I don't want to do it anymore," He explained, her eyes locked on his and that familiar heat returned. He felt it tingling over his skin. "I like having you in my life, as friends… or … more than friends." His voice trailed off gently as he watched for her reaction. His name was a resigned sigh that slipped from her lips and he ignored the defeat in her tone. He reached out and covered her hands again, "Look, there's a war on and who knows what's going to happen but I need you to know that."

"Okay," She answered and almost out of habit her fingers flexed up and linked with his. He felt the rush of warmth spread through his chest as the emotion choked him. His eyes remained on hers. There was so much else he still wanted to say, but he couldn't. It didn't feel like now was the time. Right now, he settled for the knowledge that she hadn't been with Thane. He settled for the fact that she had come to see him. He settled for her hand linked with his. For now, it was enough.

Their eyes were still connected, and she spoke on a sigh, "I have to get going." He squeezed her hand, and nodded. He didn't want to let her go.

"Where are you going now?" He asked, and she dropped her head with a groan.

"Sur'Kesh, meeting with some diplomats," She said, the frustration dripping from her voice. "I feel like I would be much more effective if I just put my pistol in their faces and demanded they help me, but I can't," She sighed, and he ran his thumb over her knuckles and thought her shiver as she bit her lip.

"You probably would be," He admitted with a chuckle and she grinned, though her eyes still looked tired. "Shepard, I know it sucks but there is no one else who can do this the way you can. It's not right, it's not fair, but it is fact."

"Yeah, you're right. Listen, don't worry about me-"

"Easier said than done," He confessed, and she didn't finish. She squeezed his hand before releasing his almost reluctantly. "Thanks for stopping in," He offered and she nodded. He watched her as she made her way towards the door. When she reached it, she turned to look at him one more time. She graced him with a smile, and disappeared.

As soon as she left, he felt the icy fear settle back in his gut. He hated that she was out there alone in this. He knew she had her crew; he knew Garrus, Dr. Chakwas, and Joker were with her. Still, he wanted to be the one watching her six, making sure she kept herself safe. He made a silent promise to her: that he would work as hard as he could, and be ready as quickly as he could. He had to, no matter what the doctors said.