Author's Note: I have to start by thanking Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk, Kirsah, JediZelda, Kateriel79, Elissa Theirin, spacecats, and riehull for your comments on the last chapter. I think I replied to all of them; if I missed you, I'm sorry. I'm going to make excueses now and tell you I'm working two jobs and one is retail and we're two weeks out from Christmas. Next week I'll be working close to 70 hours. So it may be a little longer for the next chapter. Thank you all for spending your time reading my work. I appreciate it more than I can say. With all that said... Enjoy... - TLC
Chapter Fifty
Kaidan was tying his boots and thinking about how good it felt to be, not only in real clothes but, dressed in his uniform again. The day he had been waiting for was finally here. He was being discharged from Huerta Memorial, his Spectre ceremony was scheduled for that evening, and the Normandy had docked with the station earlier that day. He was excited to get out of the hospital and on with his life. He was hopeful he would see Shepard before the ceremony, but he wasn't expecting anything. He stretched, enjoying the fit of his BDU.
He took the few steps into his bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He seemed to have aged ten years while he was in the hospital. He hated the gray hair at his temples, and the worry crease that seemed permanently etched into his brow. He sighed and looked down as he reached for the amp case. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he thought, again, about Shepard buying it for him. He liked that she was associated with something so personal, something he had to touch and use everyday, something that allowed him to access the part of himself that really made him special.
He opened the port and slid the amp in, reveling in the charge up he felt throughout his system as the amp connected with his implant and ignited his power. He discharged the energy on the sink like the release of static electricity. The amp was truly a work of art. Being an L2 meant he always spiked higher than his L3 peers, but with this amp he was more powerful than he had ever been. The ease with which he could access the power had made him dizzy at first.
It was intoxicating, really; the rush of the power. He had gotten used to it, and quickly.
He heard the door open in his room, and left the bathroom. He was surprised when he saw Admiral Hackett had entered. Kaidan had only ever seen the Admiral in his dress blues. It was disorienting to see him dressed in his simple BDUs. The war had, already, taken its toll on the older solider. He seemed tired, as evidenced by the dark shadows around his eyes. Though, Kaidan had the feeling the darkness came from more than lack of sleep. "Kaidan," He greeted, extending his hand towards him and catching Kaidan off guard by the lack of formality.
"Admiral," Kaidan responded as he shook his hand. "What brings you here?"
"Wanted to check in with humanity's newest Spectre," He answered and Kaidan nodded. "How are you feeling?"
"Anxious," Kaidan answered simply. He gestured towards the chair in his room, and Hackett accepted. He sat, leaning back and relaxing momentarily as Kaidan rested against the side of his bed. The way he sighed gave Kaidan the impression he hadn't sat down in a long time. Kaidan let the silence stretch for a few moments and Hackett seemed to appreciate the quiet.
"I hear that," Hackett's grizzled voice answered softly. The Admiral's eyes narrowed momentarily as he stared at Kaidan. Kaidan had to admit, it slightly unnerving having his intense gaze on him so plainly. "You must have had dozens of offers, crews to work with, ships to Captain," Hackett suggested and Kaidan nodded. The offers had flooded in once his appointment had been made public. "If I am being completely honest, my main reason for stopping here was to throw my hat in the ring so to speak," He admitted and Kaidan cocked his head at him. "I have a position for you, with the Fifth Fleet. It's yours if you want it," Hackett offered and Kaidan was floored.
The Fifth Fleet was the most well respected Fleet in the Alliance, and Admiral Hackett was not a man who made offers like this. It was difficult to be assigned to his fleet, and it was an honor to get the posting. Kaidan would be a fool to turn it down. Hackett would have an understanding of Kaidan's training and abilities, more than any alien Fleet that had offered him a spot on their ship. He wanted to say yes, but what he wanted more than that was a conversation with Shepard. He wanted to be back on the Normandy. Before he could answer, the vid screen in his room caught Kaidan's attention as it showed press footage of Shepard leaving the Normandy that morning.
Hackett's eyes followed Kaidan's and he thought he heard the Admiral let out a quiet chuckle, but he couldn't be sure, "I don't need an answer right now," He admitted, "but we're scheduled to fly out in two days time, and I'll need the answer before then. I can't wait around for it," He stated as he stood.
Kaidan looked up into the man's face and nodded, "I appreciate the time, Sir. You'll hear from me before then, either way," He promised and Hackett nodded, extending his hand one more time.
"Congratulations, Kaidan. You've made so many of us proud," Hackett offered before releasing Kaidan's hand.
"Thank you, Admiral. That means more than I can say," He replied and turned to leave. Kaidan sat back on the bed and watched him go. His eyes moved back to the vid screen as the reporter spoke more about Shepard, the Normandy, and the fact that she had cured the Genophage. He stood and went to the window to look out over the Presidium. A position with the Fifth Fleet was not something he ever would have thought was possible for him; then again, he never would have thought he would be a Spectre, either.
His career had certainly soared in ways he had never dreamed possible. When he thought about how young he was when he joined the Normandy, it shocked him at times. It was only three years ago but he was not just a different soldier, but a different man. Now, he was more aggressive on the field, but still stopped to consider all angles before making a decision. He was more confident in command, and when speaking with Command. He knew who he had to credit for the changes in himself. Shepard had always encouraged him to use his biotics to his full ability. She taught him to stop and consider every outcome. The fact that she had shared so much of herself with him – emotionally and physically – proved he was more than a broken, biotic freak. Serving under her, loving her and losing her changed him. He had a lot to thank her for.
"Spectre Kaidan Alenko," Shepard's voice was soft and teasing as it chimed out behind him. He was startled and he jumped slightly before turning to face her.
It was as if his thoughts had summoned her. He noticed the playful smirk tugging at one corner of her mouth as she leaned against the doorway, her arms crossed over her midsection. He must have been really lost in his thoughts; he hadn't even heard the door open. He chuckled, and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Yeah, it's pretty crazy, isn't it?"
She took a few steps into the room coming to stand next to him. She joined him in watching the activity outside. He looked over at her, instead, watching as the artificial sunlight bounced off her features. Her haunted eyes concerned him. Her stance was tired; it was as if the weight of the war was literally on her shoulders. He wondered if she was sleeping, or if she had nightmares. He channeled his mother when he realized she looked too thin. He wondered who was there to make sure she was eating. She answered him before he could inquire, "No, it's not crazy at all," She said with a shrug as she looked up and met Kaidan's eyes. He was struck by the pride he saw shining in her gaze, "I can't think of a better candidate."
Kaidan felt the heat rising from his collar at her praise, "Well, thank you, Shepard. That really means a lot coming from you." She simply nodded and asked when he was getting out of the hospital. "Should be just a few more hours. Doc ran a few last minute tests," He was surprised at how pleased he was by the concern that flashed across her features. "It's nothing, he just wanted to run a few last minutes blood tests. I think he's disappointed he's losing his pet project," Kaidan answered and Shepard nodded, a forced smile on her lips.
When she looked back out the window, his eyes moved over her, again, taking in her posture. It was then he noticed the tension in her shoulders, and when she looked up at him, there was something not quite right about her eyes. Yes, she looked tired, but everyone who had accepted that there was a war on looked tired. She looked sad. "What's wrong?" He asked quietly, unable to keep the concern out of his voice.
"Nothing," She insisted shaking her head and forcing a smile. He simply said her name again, turning to face her, letting her know there was no getting away from this conversation as his tone turned slightly admonishing. When she sighed, it was in defeat. It made his chest tighten with unease. "It's really not here, yet," She said softly, looking back over the peaceful gardens and waterfalls. He sighed in understanding. "I've seen a lot in my time," She paused and let the silence stretch for a long moment. "This is worse. They have no idea what is out there, what is coming for them. It's this war, Kaidan. On Tuchanka, we … we lost people; good people. The Turian Primarch's son and most of his platoon were nearly wiped out, and I lost a friend. It's just… it's going to get worse before it gets better, if it gets better, and I still feel like no one is listening," She snapped and Kaidan nodded. It had to make her crazy to be here. The war hadn't reached the station, yet. Out of sight, out of mind made it easy to ignore.
"The Reapers aren't going to focus on the Sol system forever. Unfortunately, it will get here. You're doing all you can," He said and she snorted, shaking her head. "Bringing Allers on the ship was a genius move. I've had a unique perspective over the last few weeks, having seen it. As the injured made their way here, to Huerta, their stories combined with your news reports… the hospital staff are taking the war seriously. They're stocking up on supplies and doing what they can. You have to start somewhere, and then when it hits you can take great joy in your 'I told you so.'" Her eyes were still sad, but she was smiling when she met his. "What?" He asked.
"Thanks for the pep talk, Mr. Bright-Side," She whispered, and he chuckled softly. She dropped her eyes as the air around them seemed to vibrate with the memory of things said, and the emptiness of unspoken words. He watched as she looked down and picked at her nails. She looked so small, and fragile. He fought the memory of a time when he could just hold her, whenever he wanted to. There was no way to know for sure if it would be welcome, now. He didn't think he could handle the rejection if it wasn't. Not today.
His voice was soft and sincere when he spoke again. "I am sorry about your friend, Shepard," He offered her, and she closed her eyes with a deep sigh before thanking him. "Did you want to talk about it?" He asked. She turned and looked around the room before gesturing towards the chair Hackett had vacated. Kaidan nodded and they made their way over to sit. He sat on his bed, and was surprised when she sat next to him. He was warmed to the core as she tucked her leg up underneath her and he flashed back to their nights on the SR-1. He shifted so they were facing each other, mirroring each other, as she started to speak.
"He was a Salarian scientist. His name was Mordin Solus," Kaidan thought back on the reports he read. It was the scientist who had worked with her and Cerberus. "About a year ago we came across one of his students on Tuchanka who had started synthesizing a cure for the Genophage. He, the student, was running tests on Krogan females that were truly closer to torture than testing. He obtained his data in the worst way. Mordin ended up killing him for his actions, but we saved the data. Good thing, too, without it I would have still be stuck on Tuchanka," She paused and Kaidan waited patiently. She scrubbed her hands over her face. A stray lock of hair had fallen out of its bun, and she flicked it off her forehead. "Long story short, in order to disperse the cure we had to use the Shroud," He felt the question in his eyes and she paused, "It's this huge building – facility - the Salarians built it to help stabilize the atmosphere, and then they used it to spread the Genophage. Anyway, we had to use it to scatter the cure. The Dalatrass informed me that they had sabotaged the Shroud and that if it was attempted, I don't know the science behind it but something with the temperature rising to destroy the cure. Anyway, Mordin went … insisted it had to be him, and the Shroud… there was an explosion," She explained, her voice breaking and she dropped her head for a moment.
He let the silence linger as he watched her. Her eyes were bright with grief, her whole body seemed tense. "You said it had to be him, why?" He asked after a moment, and was surprised when she lifted her head and was smiling.
"Someone else might have gotten it wrong," She answered quietly, her voice still had a tinge of sadness but, for a reason Kaidan would never understand, she was still smiling. She shrugged. There was nothing else to say. She sighed and reached above her head in a stretch, her eyes locked on his. "Enough sad talk for now," She insisted. "How are you doing, really?" She asked, tapping his knee. For a moment, he imagined he felt her biotics through the fabric of his pants.
"I feel great," He answered simply. "I feel better than I have in a long time, actually. There's nothing like a forced vacation to invigorate you and make you anxious to get back to work," She nodded as he said it, and he wondered if this was how she felt while she was locked up in Vancouver. She pushed the hair out of her face again. "Dr. O'Connor really knows his stuff. I don't really know what he did in there but my biotics have never been stronger," He admitted and her eyes simply sparkled as she smiled. "Maybe my biotics have gotten better with age," He chuckled.
"Or maybe you have," She added quietly, and he cocked his head at her. She chewed her lip as she looked away from him. Kaidan felt the tension between them at her words. It was frustrating. There was still so much that needed to be said. So much he wanted to say, but it didn't feel right, right now. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to ask if he could rejoin her crew. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her. He could feel it in his gut, though, that now was not the time. Kaidan watched as that stray piece of hair fell back in her face. When it did, he realized that it was the same section of hair that had always gone rogue. It was familiar; it was Shepard. It was one of the many things he remembered from before.
"Maybe," He whispered as he reached out, almost on instinct, and tucked the hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed against her cheek as he brought his hand back. Her skin was soft and warm. He thought he heard the breath catch in her throat, but he couldn't be sure. Her eyes locked on his, and he liked what he saw there when she smiled, her cheeks coloring.
She seemed almost disappointed when he pulled his hand back, and she cleared her throat softly. "Any word from Earth? Your parents or your students?" She asked him quietly. It was like she was as afraid of the answer as he was. It was his turn to look away from her. He looked down to the bed, and sighed.
"No," He answered simply, his voice sounded hoarse in his ears and it surprised him. "My students, if they're doing their job, if I trained them well, will be hard to find. My folks, I keep telling myself: They went to the Orchard, they don't really have high tech communicators on the farm… but it doesn't make sleeping any easier," he admitted, and was startled when he felt her hand on his knee. It was a show of support, of understanding and camaraderie. When he lifted his eyes to hers, she moved to pull her hand away. He reached out and held it on his leg, wrapping his hand around her fingers. That small connection, it helped. She offered him a timid smile, and let him hold her hand. Hope bloomed in his chest.
Hope is powerful.
"What about you?" He asked and her eyebrow lifted in question. "Have you heard from Anderson?"
She sighed, and looked down to their hands, "Not since before Tuchanka," She admitted, before forcing a more upbeat tone to her voice. "He seemed good though, younger somehow. Invigorated, maybe. Desk work was never really his calling," She said with a chuckle, and Kaidan nodded in agreement. A gentle quiet fell between them, and shockingly, it wasn't tense or angry. It was comfortable. He still held her hand in his, and she still seemed okay with it. It surprised him how warm her hands were now, and soft. She had told him once, the reason her hands had been cold had to do with her implant. Since her implant had been upgraded, he had to assume that was the reason her hands were warm now.
"How long are you here?" He asked her, and she looked up and met his eyes.
"Just until tomorrow, the Normandy's restocking and I gave the crew twenty-four hours of Liberty. They needed it," She answered as she pulled her hand from his. He felt the absence of her touch more acutely than he had felt her hand in his. She pulled the pins from her hair and it cascaded down her back. He ignored the rush of emotions he felt when the plum blossom scent met his senses.
"Oh, well, I don't know if you know but Udina is having a ceremony tonight, uh, for me. He thinks it will help with morale, give people something to celebrate. It would mean a lot to me if you were there," He stated, it was simply the truth.
"Kaidan, why do you think I rushed here from Tuchanka?" She asked, leaning forward conspiratorially, and Kaidan felt his face split into a grin. "Of course, I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it," She said as she turned and stood. She wiped her hands on her pants, and he watched her. "I do have to go, though, I have a few people to meet while I'm here," She explained, and he nodded. He didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to sit back down and hold his hand and talk to him.
"See you later, Shepard," He reminded her and she grinned, nodding as she turned on her heel to leave the room. He watched her go, still feeling shocked that she had made sure she made it back here, in the middle of a war, to go to a ceremony for him. He laid back on the bed, one hand tucked up under his head. His eyes on the vid screen, a random biotiball game was on, but he wasn't paying it any attention.
When he thought of the way their conversation had played out, he was glad she had stopped in before the ceremony. He was glad they had a chance to catch up, at least a little before all the pomp and circumstance. He hoped he would be able to actually spend time with her at the ceremony. He hoped she would allow him back on the Normandy.
Hope would get him through his remaining hours in the hospital.