Author's Note: I would like to start by thanking those who have added The Reason to their follow or favorite lists. I am so glad you've found the story, and that you've decided to continue reading. A special thank you to those who commented, I love hearing what you think: Bint-Lilith, ela11, HauntedSecrets, ChaseingTheWind, nirroca, Anubis85, TMGermany, Jules Hawk, Kateriel79, Vorcha Girl, Zacharti, and Kirsah. The last chapter was difficult to write as I simply adored Alex. Hopefully, his death will serve a purpose.

With that said... Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter Fifty-Eight

The gentle night breeze rushed over the inlet and brushed against his face. Chilled, salty air cleared his senses like a splash of ice water. The sky was dark. The stars sparkled and reflected in the sea. He inhaled deeply and let the breath out slowly. It misted white in the air. He was startled when a door opened behind him and he realized he was standing on his parent's balcony looking over English Bay. He heard his mom's bright laugh from inside and it was joined by, what he could have sworn was, Shepard's.

"Hey, Kaidan," Alex Alenko said as he closed the door behind him. Kaidan's eyes searched his father's face, looking for something but he wasn't sure what. "Have a drink," His father nodded at Kaidan and he looked down and noticed he was holding a tumbler with a generous serving of whiskey. Kaidan cleared his throat and, without removing his eyes from his dad, he did. The whiskey burned beautifully on the way down warming him from the inside out. "It's beautiful out here tonight," His father said as he moved to stand next to him and look over the bay. Kaidan watched him, looking over his features. His hair had long since turned gray but was still full. Kaidan was slightly taller than his father, but his father was stockier. He had a firm jaw, and narrow, intelligent eyes. For some reason, Kaidan felt the urge to memorize his features, to burn them into his mind so they would never fade. Kaidan was surprised when he noticed a sad smile on his full lips. "I sure am going to miss it."

"What do you mean?" Kaidan asked, his voice thick and his tongue felt heavy as he spoke.

"Your mom's a strong woman, Kaidan. She's going to be okay, and I think she's isolated enough that she'll make it until you and Shepard end this war," His father said, gesturing towards the glass again and Kaidan was lifting it to his lips to drink without deciding to do so. It burned a little less this time. "Shepard really is an amazing woman. She's strong, too."

"Of course she is. She's a Spectre and an N7," Kaidan said, he felt like he was stuck in a stasis. He wanted to say more, do more, but he couldn't. It was infuriating. His father gestured for him to take another drink and Kaidan found himself drinking before he realized he'd even lifted his hand.

"Yeah, no shit, but she's strong like your mom, too. On the inside, it's a special kind of strength. The kind of strength that lets you look at those you love and watch them walk into battle knowing they might not come home. The kind of strength that allows you to put yourself between the business end of a pistol and your family to keep them safe. The kind of strength that will allow you to order your lover away so you can finish the job knowing they are safe. It's a woman's strength," He knew his father was speaking and his words sounded clear but Kaidan's vision was blurry. "Kaidan, you fucked it up with her, didn't you?" His dad asked, and Kaidan dropped his eyes to his nearly empty glass. Wasn't it full just a minute ago?

"I didn't mean to," Kaidan said but no sound came out. Why couldn't he talk? He tried to drag a breath into his lungs, but the air was too thick.

"Finish your drink, Kaidan," His father ordered. Kaidan felt the panic rising in his throat as he lifted his drink to his mouth. He didn't want to finish his drink. He wanted to stay here and keep talking to his dad. "Fix it with Shepard, Kaidan. You're going to need each other. When she orders you away, Kaidan, let her. Let her keep you safe, it has to be her. It's always needed to be her but she won't be able to do it without you," His father knocked back the rest of his drink. Kaidan lowered his glass, and his father gripped the back of his head and placed a firm kiss to his forehead. Something he hadn't done since before Brain Camp.

"No, Dad, please," He said, still unable to find his voice, as his father turned away from him to go back into the house. "Don't go," He mouthed the words, trying to beg him to stay as he felt the burning of the whiskey rising in his throat but his voice wouldn't cooperate. His father turned away from him to open the door, and then looked back at him.

"I love you, son. You've made me more proud than you'll ever understand. Maybe… maybe someday … Someday you'll have a son and then you will understand," His dad said, with an astute smile on his face. The light from inside the door grew brighter, and Kaidan was forced to look away.

The light went out quickly and Kaidan's eyes snapped back to the now closed door. Kaidan could move freely again. He rushed to the door. He threw it open and called out for his father as he searched the empty rooms. He noticed absently that he was at the house at the orchard now, and not his parent's home and his search slowed. He checked room after room for his father but he was gone. His heart was pounding and he felt oddly disconnected from his body as he opened door after door.

He wondered when the hallways grew so long.

He went to the front door and opened it going out to the porch. He called out for his father. He jogged around the porch that circled the house and when he reached the back he found the plum trees in full bloom. Big purple plum blossoms topped the trees and he walked slowly down the stairs to stand under them. He missed his father already and he couldn't figure out why the pain was so intense. He trembled slightly, and his hands fisted at his sides.

He closed his eyes and inhaled, their sweet fragrance filled him. He was trying to calm himself down and make sense of the things his father had said to him as he took slow deep breaths. He felt the heat of the loss of his father burning in his chest and his hands lifted to his cover his face. He jumped when he felt chilled hands slide around his waist and up his chest. His heart pounded against his ribs. The hands fisted in his shirt and he felt her press her face between his shoulder blades. He reached up and took her hands in his. He turned and looked into her warm blue eyes.

"Kaidan…" She whispered and wrapped her arms around him again. She buried her face in his chest. He slowly ran his fingers over her long brown hair, he closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair and inhaled. After a long minute, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the Captain's cabin of the SR-1. He looked down to her and she looked up at him. Her scars were back. No, not back, never gone. He lifted his hand and traced the scar from her eyebrow, over her nose and to her cheek. She smiled brightly at him. He framed her face, looked down and tilted her head back. He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her gently. When he pulled away, she whispered, "I love you."

He opened his mouth to reply, and though he had wanted to tell her the same, all that came out was the word, "Traitor." Her face scrunched up in pain like he'd hit her. He might as well have. He was nauseated. She pulled away from him, and when he opened his mouth to call her back more insults fell from him, and he was unable to stop it. Her face hardened as she continued to back away from him. He looked around the room panicked; he saw their clothes from the night before on her floor. It was the SR-1, after they were together. His eyes flew back to her as the door opened and she turned to walk away from him. He tried to call her back. The alarms started on the ship. Kaidan watched helplessly as the beam from the Collector's weapon cut through the Normandy's hull and right through Shepard. He screamed, but it was too late.

Kaidan woke.

It took him a minute to orient himself. The Normandy. The SR-2. The Starboard Observation Lounge. Heading towards the Citadel. Shepard had spent the night with him, on the couch in the lounge, pressed up against his side and tucked under his arm, because his father is dead. He scrubbed his hands over his face, his stubble scratching against his palms as he let out a long sigh. He looked around, unsure of when she had left him.

He checked the time. They had about ninety minutes before they were scheduled to arrive at the Citadel. He stood and went to his bags. When he bent, he felt the pressure in his face, around his eyes and sinuses. He had cried himself out the night before. He was grateful he didn't have a migraine. He squatted and dug through his belongings looking for his shower bag so he could get ready for his day. There were multiple people who had contacted him looking for Spectre assistance since he'd left the Citadel, and he decided to take advantage of the trip back.

He was surprised when he heard the door sigh open. He stood, and couldn't help the rush of emotion when he saw Shepard enter with two steaming mugs of tea. He sighed when his eyes met hers, and she offered him a tentative smile. "I thought the tea might help your head," She explained and he nodded, meeting her at the table set off to the side of the room. Instead of sitting across from her, he sat next to her and she shifted slightly, turning her body towards him. He met her eyes as she lifted the mug and took a sip. "How are you feeling?" She asked as she set the mug down.

He was silent for a long time, staring at the mug of tea he had wrapped his hands around. "I'm not sure," He admitted, darkly and Shepard nodded.

She whispered when she spoke, "There are no magic words. Goddamn it, I wish there were. I know what you're going through and I'm not going to tell you it will get better. It will always hurt. You will miss him every day," Her voice was tender and distant.

"I know," He whispered, his voice thick and husky. His eyes met hers, and he watched the realization dawn on her face. If there was one emotion he had intimate experience with, it was grief. He thought of the two years he had spent putting himself back together when he thought she was dead. She just nodded and look down at her hands.

"Of course you do," She answered quietly. She took a deep breath, and looked up at him, her earnest blue eyes meeting his, before continuing, "He was so fucking proud of you, Kaidan," She whispered and a sad smile graced her features. "You should have heard the way he spoke about you that night in Vancouver," Kaidan looked at her, trying to remember that night at the bar. Truthfully, he'd spent so much of the last three years trying to remember everything that came after they'd left his father, the early events of the night were a bit hazy now. What opportunity would his father have had to speak about him to Shepard when he wasn't there? It was like she read his mind when she continued, "When you went to the bar for another round," She paused, and he kept his eyes on hers waiting for her to continue. "I'll never forget it, he said, 'I've done bad things in my life and I've done some good things. In the military and as a civilian. I've hurt people. I've helped people,' then he smiled and pointed at you at the bar and said with drill sergeant tenacity, 'That man, right there, is the best thing I've ever done.' He loved you, you know that, right?" She asked him.

Kaidan was surprised to hear his father had spoken about him like that. "He," His voice stuck in his throat. He cleared it and looked away from her again. He took a drink of his tea as he tried to find the words around the rising emotions, "It wasn't something we said. He always supported me, though," He released his mug and looked down to his hands. He opened them and let his biotics flare, his hands gloved in blue. "I was so scared when my biotics manifested. He wasn't, well, he didn't let me see it if he was. Then, after Vyrnnus, when BAaT was closed, and everyone I came across, families in the neighborhood who had known me forever or strangers, it didn't matter, they all looked at me like I was defective. I mean, I was but, Dad never made me feel like it. I was so lost. Felt like I'd never belong anywhere. He came to me and told me I shouldn't be too hard on myself for doing what I thought was right, that even right choices have consequences. He seemed so confident that there was still a place for me out here, bigger than I could imagine," He paused, and took a deep breath to calm himself.

She placed her hand on his knee and he searched her face as she spoke. "He was right," He could feel the skepticism play on his features as he searched for some sign that she was just saying what he wanted to hear. "Would that lost seventeen year old Kaidan Alenko have ever imagined you'd be the man you are today? A Major in the Alliance, a Spectre, Commander of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company…"

Shepard wasn't one for platitudes, so he knew she meant it when she said it, but it didn't make it any easier to believe. He shook his head and cleared his throat. "He liked you, though, right away," He said keeping his eyes locked on her, and smiled sadly when she blushed, and pulled her hand from his knee. "He told me in no uncertain terms not to fuck things up with you," Kaidan let the statement linger between them as he drank more tea. He felt the tension leaving his face, and had a feeling she has laced the tea with something more potent than herbs. After a very long moment, he looked to Shepard. "You know, he met me on Arcturus for your funeral," He whispered, and she paled. For a moment, he regretted bringing it up, but just for a moment. He wanted to talk about it, about what his father had done for him when he needed it most. He spoke for a long time, about the ceremony. He told her about the way Alex had stayed with him, forced him to engage. He told her that it was because of his father that he was able to get back to work when he did. It was nice to talk to her about him. It was nice to talk about him with someone who knew him, even if they'd only met that once. "I was so glad he was there, too, because he was the only one who knew. How ironic that you're here now and he's…" He shook his head, and she reached out and took his hand again.

He didn't know what to say next, so he flexed his fingers and they linked with hers. She chewed her lip. "Sorry about last night, Shepard. I don't want you to think I can't work. I'm alright. I'll be alright," He insisted. "I just … I don't know how you do it."

"I have my moments," She promised him somberly, and he felt the skepticism on his face as she sipped her tea. "Well, maybe it's a little easier for me." She looked away from his face and down to their linked hands. When she had come back he had been so afraid to believe that she was real. People didn't come back from the dead. He couldn't handle letting himself believe it only to find out she wasn't his Shepard. Then he'd received the reports from Miranda. She was scientifically, medically, miraculously alive again. By the time she had brought him the records, he had already broken the one promise he'd made to her. He had walked away from her.

"What makes it easier for you?" He asked, his voice raw with spent emotion. She didn't answer as she stared at their hands. Her thumb tracing circles in his palm. "Shepard?"

"I was a mess after Mars," She admitted quietly, the abrupt change of subject disoriented him momentarily. Kaidan found he couldn't take his eyes off her as she spoke. "I didn't sleep for days at a time. Liara was worried about me. I was snapping at everyone, Garrus, Joker, Adams, Chakwas, shit, I was snapping at people I didn't even know. The thought of you near death, in the hospital, because I failed to take the shot? I was barely keeping it together," She paused, she was looking at their hands. Her thumb was still teasing his palm. Then the silence was broken when she sighed. It sounded relieved, "Then I got your message, that you were okay and I felt like, for the first time since the SR-1 went down I actually wanted to fight. I had my own reason to. I don't know what I would have done if you had, hadn't woken up. I… I think I know what it was like for you, after Alchera, at least a little bit." She stalled. He was watching her, he could tell her cheeks had darkened, her chest was rising and falling quickly with every breath. She still hadn't looked up at him, he wanted nothing more than to look into her eyes as she spoke.

His thumb caressed her wrist and she cleared her throat before she continued. "David and I have said our goodbyes. We both know the odds of us being in the same place at the same time again are slim. We've accepted that," She paused, and Kaidan could taste the sweet, heavy tension as it danced in the air between them. "Now that you're here, everyone I care about, everyone I want to keep safe, everyone I … love is on this ship, where I can see them," She lifted her eyes to his and his heart jumped at the naked, raw emotion in their icy depths, "Talk to them and touch them," She reached out with her free hand and her fingertips traced his jawline, leaving a tingling heat in their wake, "when I need to." When her fingertips reached his chin, she let her hand fall and her palm rested over his heart. He knew she could feel it pounding.

He felt that familiar twist in his core as she spoke. He hadn't felt it in a long time. There was a time he thought he'd never feel it again. With one of her hands still on his chest, she lifted their linked hands, and flattened his palm over her heartbeat covering his hand with hers and holding it in place. "I don't know if there's a real heart in there," She whispered, with a shrug as her eyes dropped from his face. She was referring to the cybernetics Cerberus had used to bring her back. He knew he'd given her hell for her connection to Cerberus, and he wished he could take it back now. Cerberus may be evil but they brought her back to him, "but it still beats like it used to."

He kept his eyes on her as he moved closer to her, hands holding steady on each other's chest. He looked down to where his hand rested and then back up at her face as she released his and let it fall to his knee. It was the same. He remembered it, his favorite rhythm, albeit faster, harder as it felt like it might jump out of her chest. He was surprised when he finally met her eyes, and he noticed them glistening with tears. He sighed deeply, "Sloan," Her eyes closed, hiding the emotions that danced in them at the sound of her name in his voice. It was the first time he had spoken it since she returned. "I've missed you," He stated simply, the hoarseness of his voice surprised him.

"I am right here," She responded, it was so quiet he almost didn't hear it. He moved closer without thinking, his knees brushed against hers. She chewed her lip as her fingers twitched. Their tips rested just at the dip in his neck. He swallowed. She was right there, warm and alive and right there. His eyes moved, darting between her eyes and her lips. He watched as her tongue slipped out to wet them.

Her omni'tool started beeping, and she jumped, pulling her hands back and dropping his. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and never let her go. She sighed, "We're docking in ten minutes. I have to go talk to Javik about the Council. We'll have to finish this later," She said, scrubbing her hands over her face. Her cheeks were still pink and her eyes wetter than normal as she knocked back the rest of her tea. She set the mug on the table before she stood.

Kaidan felt as if he'd been slapped by the quick change in her demeanor. She walked briskly to the door, and he watched her. He was unsure of how, or if, he should stop her. She paused, and looked back at him over her shoulder, "That's how I do it, Kaidan." She said as the door sighed open and she walked through.

He sighed, and finished his tea in silence cursing their lost opportunity. He grabbed his shower supplies and decided to get a start on his day. Shepard kept going, by going; he would do the same, but he'd be damned if they didn't finish this conversation today. At the risk of sounding cliché, he didn't know how much time either one of them had left. He wasn't going to let another day go by without telling her how he felt, without putting it all out there and letting her make a decision.

Not another day would go by with Sloan Shepard not knowing he was in love with her.