Author's Note: Here's the aftermath of the last chapter. I have to say hello to those who have favorite or followed the story since the last update. I'm so glad you've liked their story so far. I hope it continues to keep you interested. The last chapter had quite the response, and I appreciate every single one of the reviewes or messages I received. I didn't reply to all of them individually because I was concerned with what I would give away from this chapter if I did. I hope you know that doesn't mean I don't appreciate your words, concerns, or encouragment any less. So, thank you to Taikee, JustSomeGirl18, Kirabaros, Vorcha Girl, Kirsah, JediZelda, Jules Hawk, Kateriel79, Zacharti, Stryper, and the guest. I hope this chapter eases some of your concerns.

A special shout out to Kirsah... I think you'll know why when you read this chapter. Thank you for being so encouraging and supportive. You're attention to my characters helped me learn something about them in this chapter, and for that I can't tell you how grateful I am.

With all that said ... Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter Seventy-One

The tension was thick; like oil, it covered everyone in the shuttle. Even Cortez shifted in his seat as Shepard stood behind him, arms crossed over her chest. Her back ram-rod straight and her eyes forward. Kaidan was seething in his seat next to Garrus, his leg bouncing and his biotics buzzing beneath the surface. He was surprised he didn't have a migraine. He expected he'd have one when he settled and the adrenaline wasn't pumping through his veins.

Something to look forward to.

The Normandy was in sight before Shepard turned to them. "I want your reports in thirty," she announced, her voice distant and her eyes empty. She was pale, and if Kaidan wasn't so angry he would have been worried about her.

"What are we supposed to say?" Garrus asked, his flanging tone filled with disdain on every octave. "Commander Shepard murdered an unarmed woman after promising her mother she would take care of her," Garrus mocked his report, and Shepard's eyebrow cocked at him.

"If that's what you think happened, then yes," Shepard answered flatly, not accepting the bait.

"Isn't that what happened?" Kaidan prodded, and Shepard's eyes darted to his, blank and narrow.

"You and I know a biotic is never really unarmed," Kaidan sat straighter as she finally offered an explanation. "You heard Samara; an Ardat Yakshi without a monastery is supposed to be put down. So, I put her down." Chills traced his spine at her soulless tone.

"Samara took her own life so her daughter wouldn't have to die!" Garrus shouted, and Shepard didn't flinch. She simply shifted her eyes back to the Turian, her face frozen and her eyes hard. Her lips were pressed into a thin line. She swallowed hard before she spoke.

"I was very clear from the beginning. I told Samara I was not here to rescue anyone," Shepard replied and when Garrus started to argue, she held up her hand. "No," she shook her head once, "I'm done explaining myself. Reports. Thirty minutes." The shuttle set down in the bay and Shepard was the first one off. Kaidan stood to follow her, but she was already at the elevator by the time he unhooked himself and set foot down in the bay.

James looked to him as he made his way over to his station. He set his weapons down. "Mission go FUBAR?" the Lieutenant asked as the elevator doors closed on Shepard. Kaidan let a breath out through his nose as he turned his eyes back to James.

"I guess that depends who you ask," Kaidan said as he moved away leaving room for Garrus to deposit his weapons. He stripped off his armor and pulled on his BDUs as the tension creeped from the back of his head up to his temples. He fought the first wave of nausea as he moved purposefully towards the elevator. He stopped on the crew deck and ducked into the men's room. He was glad it was empty as the blood dripped from his nose. He grabbed some tissues and hid himself in the stall to stem the flow of blood.

He swallowed hard, and closed his eyes fighting the anxiety. He knew, deep down, he should tell Chakwas. He told himself it was getting better. He hadn't had a full blown migraine in a while. He could handle a little blood. He finished cleaning himself up and stopped in the med-bay. "Major Alenko," Dr. Chakwas greeted him. "How are you feeling?" she asked, her eyes moved over him efficiently.

"A little tension." It felt good to be honest, at least a little honest. "Got anything to help me through the rest of my shift?" she raised an eyebrow at him as he perched himself on his cot. She walked over to him and he held his breath as she scanned him.

A breath escaped her nose. "Yeah, just a second." he had the feeling she was expecting to find something every time he came in here. It didn't take her long to prepare the meds. She injected the muscle relaxer into his arm and he thanked her. "It's a low dose; make sure you come back later if you need to," she ordered and Kaidan nodded before thanking her. His mind wandered as he left the med-bay. He wondered where Shepard was, but wasn't ready to confront her.

The events of the day sat heavy on his shoulders as he took the elevator to the CIC. He could see the coldness in Shepard's eyes when he closed his own. He could sense how closed off she was, and it broke his heart. He was afraid for her; this was something that could bring consequences. Not to mention his own anger, his own disappointment, in her rash decision. True, Falere was a biotic, so she was always armed, in that moment she wasn't a threat.

Or was she?

Asari High Command had no issue with their own commandos demolishing the monastery, why would they care if Shepard did, and cleaned up what was left? It was too much. He just wished he could understand why she had done it, but every time he thought about it he just got angry. The look of shock and betrayal was plain on Falere's face when she looked at the business end of Shepard's pistol. She hadn't expected it – none of them had. He stepped off the Bridge, and was greeted by Traynor. The Communications Specialist's cheeks held a deep red tint, and she was chewing her lip as her hands moved over the console.

"Hey, Traynor," Kaidan greeted her, stopping at her station and waiting for her to meet his eyes. She glanced at him quickly.

"Hello, Major," she was distracted, and he glanced down at her monitor. "Sorry, Commander Shepard demanded a connection with Asari High Command, and I'm trying to find a signal." Traynor explained her predicament. "There's nothing here!" she nearly growled and Kaidan glanced over her shoulder and watched her monitor. He had the feeling Shepard had been forceful with her demand, and Traynor did not want to disappoint her.

"Try bouncing the signal off this buoy," Kaidan suggested pointing, Traynor paused for a moment.

"That should work," she agreed absently as she set the code. She visibly relaxed as the connection was secured. She looked up at him, a bright smile on her lips. "Thank you, Major. She seemed anxious, and upset; she was yelling. I … well, I wanted to make sure she got it as quickly as possible. I appreciate the assist."

"Don't even think about it. We're a team," he promised and she smiled, her gratitude clear as the lines slipped from her face. He stepped away from her console as she continued to monitor the strength of the connection. He moved towards the Bridge. Garrus was there with Joker. EDI was noticeably absent, again. Kaidan greeted them as he entered their space.

"Hey, Kaidan," Joker spun his chair to face them. "Garrus was just filling me in on the mission." Joker glanced at the Turian who bristled slightly, before looking towards Kaidan. The Pilot seemed concerned, but not overly so. "She's talking to Asari High Command now. I can't imagine that's going to go well."

"Did you finish your report?" Kaidan asked, and a series of clicks and the way his mandibles twitched told Kaidan he hadn't done it, yet. He smirked, and Garrus's eyes were bright. "Me neither," Kaidan admitted.

"She'll get them when they're ready," Garrus added simply.

"Serves her right the way she stormed up here, barking at everyone. They all listened, they all, always listen," Joker sighed, he reached up and removed his hat, scratching at the top of his head before replacing it. "She needs to remember this isn't a Cerberus ship anymore. These aren't Cerberus operatives. We're all Alliance; we're all on the same team: her team."

"I've never seen her like this," Kaidan admitted quietly, and it broke something in him to admit that was true.

Joker and Garrus exchanged a glance, "We have." Joker's response was somber, and Kaidan sighed roughly. The pilot turned around again, and Garrus kept his eyes off Kaidan. Kaidan remained silent as the awkward tension slipped into the space. "Goddamn, she's still on with the Asari. I'm surprised she hasn't cut them off, yet." Joker muttered, and Kaidan turned on his heel. He strode quickly across the CIC towards the QEC room.

He nodded at Westmoreland and Campbell as he passed through security. He entered the QEC area and leaned against the doorway silently. She was out of her armor, and dressed in her BDUs. The only sign that Shepard knew someone had entered was in the way she stood straighter. "A Justicar is dead because of your poor decisions! There was no reason for Samara to have taken her own life!" The Asari displayed on the QEC was not someone Kaidan was familiar with he assumed she was part of High Command.

"Samara is dead because she followed her code," Shepard replied monotone and heartless. "I really don't have time for lectures. You may be ignoring it, but there's a war out here," Shepard said, gesturing behind her.

"We didn't send you there for this to-" The Asari was shouting now, and Kaidan felt Shepard's biotics stirring seconds before she interrupted her.

"Let's not get confused here!" Shepard raised her hand, and her voice. "You didn't send me anywhere. A Council Spectre caught wind of a problem at a monastery. She went there and she took care of the problem as she saw fit!" As much as he hated it, her argument was sound. It didn't make it right, but it certainly wasn't wrong. A soft breath escaped him as he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck.

"We'll just see what the Council has to say about this!" she shouted, "Yes, you're a Spectre but that doesn't mean you can just go out there and kill defenseless beings on a whim! If that's what you think you're as bad as Saren!" Shepard paused, her hands clenched at her sides and sheathed in blue.
"There will be an investigation Commander Shepard. I'll see to it!"

"Let's just hope there's a galaxy left to hear your claims when this war is over." Shepard shut off the comm, and her hands gripped the console as her head fell forward. For a brief second, he wanted to reach out and touch her. He wanted to look at her and see past today. He wasn't sure how.

Before he could speak, the moment was over and she was brushing past him. He reached out and grabbed her arm and she spun around quickly. The force from her turn ripped her arm from his grasp. She glared at him like he was out of line for touching her. "I'm going to the cabin," she answered simply before turning and striding away from him. He followed seconds later. They met at the elevator, and he could feel the space and the confusion between them. It was like they were back on Mars, like the last few weeks hadn't happened and he hated it.

The elevator doors pinged open and they stepped on, Shepard first. She leaned back against the wall and her head fell back, her eyes closed. Kaidan stood in front of her, he couldn't look at her. He felt like he didn't know her, and that terrified him. He could feel her, though, behind him. Her eyes on him as the elevator started its slow ascent.

His heart was pounding in his head as he ignored the increased breathing behind him. His hands clenched at his sides and his teeth were clamped shut. He almost didn't hear her, over the rushing of blood in his ears, when she finally spoke. It was a whisper, "Kaidan," her voice broke as she said his name. He hated that she sounded so fragile, and meek, but she was anything but. He couldn't respond, fear of saying something he didn't mean froze his voice. He simply turned his head and allowed her to see his profile. It was the only way he acknowledged she'd spoken. "Kaidan, I know you're angry with me," her voice was trembling, and her biotics were erratic. "But I can't breathe," she finished on a choked sob, and he turned towards her just in time to stop her from falling.

He didn't know what happened before. He didn't know what caused her to behave the way she did today. He didn't know if he agreed with it. He did know he loved her. He did know she needed him. He did know he would always be there to catch her.

Catch her he did; he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him. Her arms wound around his neck, and she buried her face in his neck. She wasn't crying, not really. No tears were falling but her body still shook with force of her emotions. She couldn't stand on her own feet. He shifted as the doors opened behind him. One arm moved behind her knees as the other supported her back and he lifted her. He carried her over the threshold of their cabin, her face hidden against him. He said nothing. He didn't tell her everything was okay, nor did he promise it would be.

He moved into their space and reached the couch, he sat, keeping her on his lap and holding her against his chest. His hands moved up and down her back as she clung to him, trembling. He took slow, deep breaths as if trying to show her how to breathe. As he felt her biotics start to ignite, he clamped down on his own, keeping them in check, hoping hers would take their cues from his. She didn't move, she didn't even lift her head, she simply trembled. He dropped his head, burying his face in her hair and held on.

Eventually, she stilled. Her white knuckled grip on his shirt eased and her breathing settled. He loosened his grip on her, but he didn't release her. She turned her face up and met his eyes. His breath caught in his throat at the pain he saw there. "You deserve an explanation," she whispered, he said nothing, he just nodded. She pulled away, and he let her. She moved off his lap and onto the couch next to him. She reached up and pulled the pins from her hair, letting it fall down her shoulders. She folded her legs before her and faced him. Her eyes remained on her fingers.

"During my time with Cerberus," she started and it sounded like there was something lodged in her throat. Kaidan turned towards her and stretched an arm out along the back of the couch. His hand rested near her shoulder. "I started by gathering the crew that The Illusive Man picked out for me. Samara was one."

"I know, I read your reports," he reminded her, and she nodded.

"Right, well, you read the reports I wrote," she continued, her eyes darting to his before dropping again. "After I assembled the crew … we all knew what we were signing up for. We all knew the chances of us returning from the Omega 4 Relay. We knew it was a suicide mission. I made the offer to the crew, if they had any loose ends they wanted tied to let me know. Samara's loose end was her daughter, Morinth, an Ardat Yakshi."

Kaidan realized that was the explanation for the missing time in her reports.

"Morinth was just hitting her stride. She was leaving behind a body count every where she went. The problem was catching up to her. Samara wouldn't hear about the deaths until after she moved on to the next planet in the next system. She managed to track her down to Omega. She felt it was her responsibility to stop her," Sloan paused and scrubbed her hands over her face. "We needed to get her attention without alerting her to Samara's presence. We needed bait. That was me."

She kept her eyes down as she spoke. Her face pale, her lips dry. She picked at her cuticles. "Ardat Yakshi, when they mate, they take over the minds of their partners. It's almost like they devour them, they become stronger and smarter after every kill while their partners are left hemorrhaging to death in the aftermath. Thane, Samara, and I went to Afterlife which is where Morinth would hunt. Samara had to stay out of sight, and the only reason Thane was there was because I was so terrified. I hate the thought of something invading my mind, and knowing the kind of power I was going up against…"

"Sloan, Liara always said your will made you a difficult target," he reminded her gently. Liara had difficulty even after Shepard trusted her.

"Yeah, she did, but that was before. This is after I woke up and I was confused. I remembered leaving my family behind, again. This was after Anderson turned me away. It was also after seeing you on Horizon. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to fight. I just wanted it all to go away. Thane knew that, we'd talked at length about it. He promised I would never be alone with her, even if it felt like I was. Anyway, she took the bait. We ended up going back to her place, and well," she paused, and cleared her throat. "I could feel her, trying to get in. She showed me things I wanted, she promised me I could have them. She promised me I could go back to the darkness…," her voice trembled again as she continued. She cleared her throat, and choked out the words, "Kaidan… I let her."

Her words hung in the space between them. She let her. He reached out then and took her hand, as if holding her hand would somehow tether her here while reminding him she was alright. "Thane, I don't know where he came from, but suddenly he was just there. I'm not sure what happened after that. I know Samara killed Morinth and Thane carried me from the building. Kaidan, Morinth made me want to die."

"Is that why you stayed behind on the Collector Base?" As soon as Kaidan asked the question, Shepard's eyes widened and her jaw dropped just slightly. The question surprised him almost as much as it did her.

"How did you…?"

"Thane. He slipped into a memory while we were talking at the hospital."

She didn't say anything for a while. She looked at her hand in his and sighed, pulling away from him and lifting her knees to her chin. She wrapped her arms around her legs. "Yes, I guess," her admission was quiet. "What did I have at that point? The Alliance, the Council…." She met his eyes for a quick moment before turning away. "You walked away from me. I was exhausted. I was brought back to stop the Collectors. When that bomb went off, my job was done," she lost her voice as her eyes glistened. "I just wanted to … I just wanted to be done."

"You had no thought for what losing you again would do to your friends?" he asked, anger welling up in his chest. He knew she was upset, and that this conversation was difficult for her, but he couldn't ignore his own feelings and reactions just because she was.

"I wasn't thinking about them, Kaidan. I had been fighting this war, alone, for over a year between Saren and the Collectors. Sure, there was two years in the middle there, but not for me. I died and it didn't even stop then. I was brought back, a gun was put in my hand and I was pointed at the enemy. To them, I was a weapon, what I wanted didn't matter. I woke up asking for you and it didn't matter. By the time I got to the Collector base, I didn't think there was a chance for this," she gestured between them when she spoke. "What was left here for me?"

"I was still here," heinsisted, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Were you, really?" There was venom in her tone, and Kaidan cocked his head at her. "All those missions you went on after Alchera. Sure, I wanted to die on the Collector station. You're not going to tell me you weren't trying to die then. I've seen suicidal soldiers, Kaidan."

His heart raced in his chest at the accusation. He'd told himself so often that he was just moving to move. Working to work through the grief and keep living. She'd called him out, and hearing the words from someone else startled him. "Maybe," he admitted.

"You didn't think what losing you would do to your friends? You parents?" she threw his words back at him, and he bristled, shifting in his seat and glaring at her. She waited for him to respond.

He didn't know what he could say. "I blamed myself for your death, Sloan. I shouldn't have left you. I should have stayed with you and made sure you got to the pod." She rolled her eyes and started to speak, but he cut her off. "No, I know. I know you're going to tell me you gave me an order and I had no choice but to listen but it's more than that. I love you. I'm supposed to keep you safe." She snorted. "I know, it's antiquated. I know you can take care of yourself. You met my father, 'Walk her home, and make sure she gets to her room safely,' was the order he gave me that night at the bar. That's my dad. That's how I was raised and I left you there. I left you and you died. It was my fault, and I hated myself."

She whispered his name, but he didn't stop.

"So, yeah, there were days, months, really, where I felt guilty being alive. So, I figured if I took the hard assignments and died, well, I deserved it," His voice was hoarse as he spoke, but part of him was glad he was talking to her about this.

"I don't understand," she admitted quietly. He looked up and met her eyes. "You have family."

"I do, but I wasn't thinking about them," he repeated her words and she nodded. "It was easier. It was a temporary escape, with the possibility of permanence. Shit, it was better than being sand blasted all day." As soon as the words slipped through his lips he froze, staring at her. Her eyes narrowed and she stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. He didn't. The silence filled the space between them, and he knew he had to say something, but he didn't know what.

"What?" she snapped, her face twisted in confusion as he turned away from her, resting his elbows on his knees.

He was seventeen again. He was pulling his hood low over his head as he walked through the misty Vancouver evening. He left the alley and turned towards his parent's house. The bag of red freedom tucked low in his pocket. He kept his eyes down. The thrill of breaking the law, of having the substance in his possession, the knowledge that he'd taken the money for it from his mother's purse all added to the moment, in a way he would never be able to explain.

He was in his room. The door was locked and his hair was still damp from the wet weather. He could smell the spicy, metallic aroma of the narcotic as he dumped a dose on his bedside table. He cut it into a line and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The excitement was high in his chest, he could feel it, the aching need for oblivion. He lowered his head and inhaled quickly through his nose, while plugging one side.

He froze, mouth open and eyes closed as the drug mingled with the tissues in his nose and in his brain. The dull hum of his biotics were forgotten with everything else. It was placed by a satisfying numbness. The tension of the guilt, anger, and disgust he always felt when he looked in the mirror evaporated on his exhale. He let himself fall back against the pillows and closed his eyes again. His body tingled, but it wasn't a biotic tingle. It was the distinct absence of the sense of touch that he craved.

He nearly cried with relief as it mixed with his bloodstream, promising him hours of comfort.

"Kaidan, what did you just say?" Shepard's voice brought him back into the cabin and he turned his head towards her, meeting her wide eyes.

He cleared his throat. "It was after BAaT," he admitted, and he felt the bile in the back of his throat at the utter disappointment and shock on her face. What a change from an hour ago. "I was running from Vyrnnus, and what I had done to him. I didn't ask for this, for any of this," he paused and sighed rubbing the back of his neck near his implant. "I wanted to forget and be someone else. About a week after I was home, I ran into another student from BAaT. He was tweaked, strung out, but he looked … I don't know … happy. He didn't even seem afraid to speak to me which was much different than anyone else I had run across. He told me about red sand. He told me about the high, and how it helped you forget. He said, 'and you've got plenty to forget about.' He gave me a hit for free and told me to call him if I wanted more. I took it home, I stared at it for days." he paused, and looked to her face again. It was void of judgment. She was just listening. Taking it all in. His heart raced as he confessed.

"I woke one morning after a violent nightmare. My room was trashed. I must have been flaring in my sleep. My parents were both gone, for the day, work I guess. I pulled the bag of sand out of the bedside table and snorted it." Kaidan admitted, wondering how this conversation went from her killing the Asari to him confessing his deepest secret to her. "I can't tell you how it made me feel. I can't put it in words. It was like … the weight of what I had done was lifted and I could fly. I could sleep without nightmares. It numbed everything. I couldn't think, so there were no thoughts of BAaT sneaking in my head in the middle of the day. It was bliss, and I fell in love with it."

She whispered his name and he ignored it.

"It was about two months later, I was using two, three times a day. There wasn't a day that I wasn't completely stoned. My dad came to me," he let a sad chuckle pass his lips as he thought of his father. "He told me he knew what I was doing. He said he knew there were things I couldn't tell him. He asked me to remember that he and my mom loved me. He told me I had a choice. I could go stay with my grandparents at the Orchard and get clean, or I could get out of their house. I denied it, and we argued. Then, before I knew what was happening, he hugged me, he just wrapped me in this big bear hug and I fuckin lost it. He took me to the Orchard that night."

She reached out to take his hand, he let her but his head was still reeling. He was looking at his feet. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I never told anyone. It's like, after I was clean, I just pretended it never happened. I was lucky I never got caught. I'd never have been able to enlist," she linked their fingers, and Kaidan felt crowded. He turned and met her eyes. "I've never done it since. I've been clean since then."

She nodded, "Okay." He returned the nod and turned away again. They were silent for a long time and she let her head rest on his shoulder. He hadn't thought about that time in his life in years; he hated how vulnerable it made him feel. She spoke softly into the room before he could, "Do you think there will be an investigation after today?" He was surprised by the concern he heard in her tone. It reassured him that she was affected by the events of the day and he sighed and kissed the top of her head.

"I don't know," he replied, "but as much as I hate to admit it, you weren't wrong with High Command. You were there as a Spectre and you did tell Samara that you weren't rescuing anyone. Who knows, maybe she killed herself knowing you'd kill Falere. Knowing that was right, and you would do it when she wasn't in your way."

"Maybe," Shepard agreed and stifled a yawn. He glanced down at the time and was surprised by how late it was.

"I still have to write up my report," he reminded her, and she nodded pulling away from him. She didn't stand, she just curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. He stood and went towards the door.

He paused at the bottom of the stairs when she spoke, "I'm sorry if I upset you today."

"I'm scared for you," he admitted as he looked down at her, she looked so small, so fragile curled up on the couch. "As right as you were today, the Asari have a point, too. You know damn well you can't go around executing everyone you see just because you're scared."

"I'm not Saren," she insisted, her eyes narrow and cool.

"No, you're not," he agreed, and she nodded. He watched her roll over so she was facing the back of the couch. Not yet, anyway. It was an after thought, and one he couldn't say to her, not now. He made himself, and her, a promise: he would try to help her. To help her leave herself a way out. When they won this war, he wanted to be able to take her away somewhere, not have to visit her in some alien prison because she was found guilty of war crimes.

He left the cabin and went to the Starboard Observation Lounge. His mind spun with what he had learned about her, and what he had remembered and shared about himself. His memories were so vivid, it scared him. He went to the bar in the Lounge, and poured himself a drink.

It was going to be a long night.

Author's Note: Just a reminder, I'm on tumblr now. I think this will be the last time I mention it in an note. If you're interested in learning more about the characters here or in any of my other fics, follow me. I'm still tlcinbflo.

Thank you all so much for reading! - TLC