Author's Note: I am a bad, bad writer. To those who reviewed the last chapter: Impslave, Schizoid-Freak, Vorcha Girl, ela11, Kirsah, Kateriel79, Jules Hawk, Topshoteffect, and Taikee. I know I haven't been responding to all the reviews and I'm so sorry! It is holiday season and I am working a ton of extra hours at my second job. I'll stop making excuses and just say THANK YOU. I adore hearing what you think of their story and I can't tell you what it means to me that you take the time to leave a comment. To those reading along, thank you for following along even if you've never left a review.

I'll stop with the excuses and simply ask that you ... Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter Seventy-Four

Kaidan must have read the message half a dozen times. With every word, he could hear her voice as if she was in the room with him. He could hear the tremble when she spoke of her fear, of her pride, of the work she was doing. He could hear the conviction in her tone when she demanded he take care of himself and insisted that she knew they would win and that he would come home.

He knew his mother was a survivor; his father had told him as much, in his own way. He leaned back on the couch in the Starboard Obs and let his eyes fall on the stars outside. He took a deep breath and let it out, slowly, through his nose. She was still safe, still at the orchard, but not alone. Not only was his family there, but she had started a safe house. She was taking in refugees and housing them. The orchard had the room for it, and the steady supply of food between the farms and livestock. She had close to thirty people staying with her, mostly children, and they all worked together to take care of each other.

He felt his chest swell with pride, and his eyes filled with tears. He wished he was with her. He wished, more than that, that his father was there with her. At the thought of Alex, his throat burned with repressed emotion. It wasn't often he allowed himself a self-indulgent opportunity to think of what was happening, of what they were losing. Not only his family, how broken they were at this point, but humanity. Images of Earth burning flashed before his closed eyes and he took a deep breath to quell the rising anger.

He hated that they were out here, gathering support, pandering to politicians instead of fighting. They're soldiers, and they're stuck, stagnant, while planets seared around them. He sighed and sat forward, pulling up the message from his mom again. He read over the words, and told himself she was okay. The fight was continuing on Earth and their work was necessary. His thoughts drifted, as they usually did, to Shepard. He remembered a conversation from a lifetime ago. She never wanted this; she wanted to fight, not talk. If he was feeling this frustrated, he could only imagine how she was feeling about wasted time.

He finished reading the message and felt the tugs of regret that he couldn't send her a reply. Not from where they were, anyway. It would have to wait until they were back on the Citadel, whenever that would be. He still hadn't heard from any of his students, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. They were trained to survive, and if he had trained them well, they would be hard to find. They would be in hiding. Still, it would be nice to know if they were okay. It would be comforting to know they had met up with Anderson to assist with the resistance.

There wasn't much more that he could do, not alone. He forced himself to his feet. Saving the message from his mother, he decided to check with EDI and see if she would be able to help with his search and contact attempts. He was mildly surprised when he stepped off the elevator and found Garrus leaning near Traynor, whose smile held an amused understanding. Kaidan's eyes flicked towards the door that led to the war room, and the conference room. Shepard was still meeting with the Quarians. Garrus's arms were crossed over his chest as his eyes darted to the door every time there was a sound from that direction.

He was tense, and anxious, and Kaidan couldn't help but smile. He met Traynor's eyes as he passed. "Hey, Garrus," Kaidan greeted, and the Turian jumped just slightly. He returned the greeting absently as Kaidan continued, shaking his head, to the Bridge.

He stepped onto the Bridge, and EDI greeted him immediately. "No, Kaidan, Shepard's not done with the Admiralty Board, yet."

"I wasn't going to ask," Kaidan answered, as he looked down to the panel before Joker, watching the pilot's hands as they controlled the ship, keeping her steady. He never failed to impress.

"Good, Garrus asking repeatedly is enough," Joker sighed, and turned to face Kaidan. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah, but not from you," Kaidan turned his attention to EDI, her eyes moved to him. "EDI, I have some students who were left on Earth, and I've not had much luck getting in contact with them. Would you be able to help?" She seemed to assess him and his request, and her scrutiny was unnerving. While she seemed more human every day, she was still, technically, a machine, and the machine that tried to kill him once. He was alright with the platform, and he enjoyed her presence, but there was something about those eyes locked on him that dried his throat.

"Yes, I will begin to monitor communications and activity and see if I can track anything that might be your students," she offered, and Kaidan opened his 'tool to send her the information he had on the students so she had something to start with. Kaidan thanked her, and turned to leave. He nodded at the crew he passed as he made his way through the CIC. He reached Garrus and Traynor just as the door opened and the Quarian Admiralty Board filed out.

Garrus stood straight and waited, most of the Quarians passed and went to the airlock to return to their ship. Kaidan watched them go, he wasn't sure who was who. He was surprised when Shepard had asked him to skip the meeting. The Admirals knew her, and had experience with her from her time with Cerberus. He respected her request, even though he disagreed. He was a Spectre, and a Major in the Alliance, and had every right to be in the room, but still he waited.

Finally, Shepard and Tali emerged, their heads turned to each other as they chatted. Kaidan felt a warmth in his chest at the smile on Shepard's face. She looked up and met his eyes, and he swore he fell for her all over again. Tali stopped and turned her attention to Garrus, whose mandibles fluttered under her scrutiny. Her eyes glowed from inside her helmet, and her hip was cocked as she greeted him with her softly trilling voice.

"Hello, Garrus," she spoke softly and Kaidan and Shepard exchanged an entertained glance.

"Hey, Tali," he offered, "It's good to see you're all right."

"You, too. I'm sorry about Palaven," Her concern, and sincerity was clear in her voice, as she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. Garrus's eyes dropped to her touch, and he reached up and covered her hand with his.

Kaidan cleared his throat, and Tali took a step back, dropping her head slightly. Garrus glared at him, and Kaidan raised an eyebrow before turning his attention to Shepard, who was grinning. "We're heading to a geth dreadnaught. We have to disable the reaper signal coming from the ship. This will allow the Quarian to get their ships out without suffering further losses," Shepard announced. "Once we're in range, we'll determine the best way to infiltrate. I want you both at the Bridge in twenty so we can make our decision." Garrus watched Tali, and Shepard and Kaidan moved towards her terminal to give them the illusion of privacy.

"I can't believe they chose to do this now," Kaidan offered as Shepard turned and leaned against her terminal and looked up at him. "The timing is terrible."

"You're telling me. I told them, if I didn't need their fleet, I wouldn't be here. I don't have the time, and we don't have the resources to take on the geth right now. Unfortunately, there are bigger fish," Shepard said, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes were on Garrus and Tali, and a smile pulled at the corner of her mouth.

Kaidan glanced at the pair over his shoulder. Garrus handed her something small, and Tali's weight shifted towards him just barely. Under normal circumstances, it would have been inconsequential, the gentle redistribution of weight, the shift in her balance, and the angle of her hips. For Quarians, though, their faces were hidden by their helmets. There was no eye contact, not really, you couldn't see them smile or blush – did they blush? They communicated largely through body language and tone. Kaidan wasn't an expert on body language, but he had a feeling she reciprocated Garrus's feelings.

He was happy for them, and hopeful they would have the opportunity to explore their relationship. He heard Shepard sigh next to him. "This fuckin war." He turned back to her, and found her eyes locked on their friends, before darting up and meeting his. She hated this as much as he did. He wanted everyone to be safe and happy and loved. "Why didn't anyone listen to me?" She was whispering, but the desperation in her tone was not lost to him. "We could have found the plans for the crucible months ago. It could have been built before they got here. I bought us time at the expense of the Batarians and for what?"

Before Kaidan could answer her, Joker called to them over the comm. They were approaching Rannoch and the geth dreadnaught. Kaidan simply reached out and squeezed her hand, briefly, before they turned and started towards the Bridge. Garrus and Tali fell in behind them. "What have we got, Joker?" Shepard asked as she stood behind the pilot.

"A shit storm, and that's putting it mildly. There's debris everywhere. Ships actively fighting. Is that a liveship with guns attached? Fuck, Tali, what were your people thinking?!" Joker asked as he engaged the stealth systems and slowly navigated the field.

"I wish I could answer you, Joker," her voice was heavy with regret, and sadness, and Kaidan's heart broke a bit for her. She hadn't wanted this.

"Can we override their controls at the docking stations and enter that way?" Shepard asked reaching out and pointing in front of Joker. They could, but the bays were all full; except one, but that one had been severely damaged in the fight.

"Yes, Shepard, my cyber-warfare protocols are well equipped for that task; however, all the docking stations are occupied, except one, and that one is shredded." EDI's response sounded somber, and Kaidan could almost hear Shepard considering their options.

"Shepard, it's too risky," he offered and she turned and looked at him.

"For the whole team, yeah, but I can secure the docking area and the rest of you can follow me over," Shepard ordered Tali and Garrus to gear up and she stayed with Kaidan. They continued to monitor the situation. Kaidan looked at what was left of the docking bay. It was, just EDI said, shredded. Shepard was planning on spacewalking through an active firefight on a piece of tubing filled with holes, and small spaces of connected metal the only thing stopping it from floating off into space. His chest constricted at the thought of her out there, he was surprised she was so eager. "Let's go."

They fell into step together, and his hand brushed hers accidently. He let out a breath through his nose. He thought of the way she woke, screaming and sweaty, crying and clinging to him. He thought of the night she woke, gasping for air, terrified that she'd been spaced. It was obvious to him she was still struggling with what she had been through; why couldn't she see it?

She didn't want to see it.

As soon as the elevator doors closed, he turned to her. "Sloan, you can't do this."

She sighed his name, her head dropping and her hand coming up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Don't start."

"No, I mean it. Tali could do it, same as you, and she's the better choice." Her eyebrow cocked at him. "She was never spaced," he reminded her, and her icy blue stare shot daggers through him. He stood firm, bracing himself for her anger.

"You don't have to remind me," she growled, crossed her arms over her chest and cocking her hip. "You don't think I can do it."

"No, Shepard, I know you can, I don't think you should," he answered, straightening to his full height, and making her look up at him.

"I'll be fine."

"And if something happens, and the tube disconnects, and you're drifting out there until one of us can come get you, you'll be fine then? Weightless, floating, with no sense of direction, no sense of up or down? You'll be fine?" Her eyes narrowed at him, and he heard her swallow. "You won't wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air?"

"Fuck you," she snapped almost before he got the words out and hurt flashed in her eyes before she looked away from him. It was a low blow, and he knew it. He took an intimate moment of theirs, something personal, and he used it against her. "I'll be fine."

"Commander Shepard." His voice was hard with command, and he saw her spine straighten instinctively. A reaction ingrained in her from years of Alliance training. He saw the betrayal in her face when she turned her eyes to him.

"Yes, Major." She resented him, it was clear in the gravel in her tone, and the hardness of her eyes. Her stare dared him to continue, dared him to pull rank and issue an order.

"Tali's going to do the spacewalk." He ordered her. He pulled rank. For the first time in their relationship, he overruled her. He knew she would be angry with him, but he couldn't let her put herself through that; he couldn't let her pride risk herself, or the mission, not when there was someone else who could handle this responsibility.

"Yes, Sir," she growled at him, and he could feel her anger radiating off her. The elevator doors opened, and she stormed off. Garrus and Tali looked up as she approached. Garrus took one look at her and his eyes flicked to Kaidan. The Turian knew Kaidan had done something to piss her off. Kaidan went to his locker to pull out his gear. "Tali, are you okay to do the space walk?" she asked the Quarian as she quickly stripped to her skivvies.

"Of course, Shepard, I've lost count of the number of space walks I completed on the flotilla," Tali answered, her voice unsure and Kaidan could feel her looking at him.

"Good, you're going to do the walk and free up the bay for Garrus and I to follow. Major Alenko is going to stay behind and help Joker and EDI on the Bridge." Kaidan froze, his shirt half off. He pulled it back down and met her eyes. She was furious, he could see it. She was testing him. Testing to see if he would pull rank again. He wouldn't. He'd accept her order; show her he did still trust her.

"Yes, Ma'am," he answered with a shrug of one shoulder as he tucked his shirt back into his pants. Still, the tension filled the bay, suffocating them. He was grateful James and Cortez were out of earshot and not witness to the power struggle. Kaidan waited, though, until they were suited up. Garrus and Tali walked ahead of Shepard toward the elevator, and he stopped her by grabbing her hand. She ripped it from his grasp and glared at him. He kept her eye contact, placing on hand on her shoulder and adding just enough pressure for her to get the hint to turn.

She did, and he checked the closures on her armor. He could feel the tension in her as he did. He knew he'd set her off, and he knew this wasn't the end of it.

He'd do it again.

He finished and she strode away from him without turning and looking at him. He let her go, letting the elevator doors close before he ran his hands through his hair in pure frustration. He should have expected it. He should have known she'd leave him behind; that didn't mean he had to like it. He went to the elevator and pressed the call button.

He reached the Bridge just as Tali was getting set to leave. "She gave you Turian chocolates?" Tali trilled at Garrus, whose mandibles fluttered just slightly.

"She said she saw them and thought of me. I'll share if you'd like," he offered, innocently enough. Kaidan was sure he missed the teasing tone in Tali's voice. He was going to enjoy watching this develop.

"Only if they're sterilized first," Tali added, a note of disgust to her tone as she turned toward Shepard. Kaidan was grateful for the momentary levity, but it was broken when Shepard spoke up.

"All right, Tali," Shepard started without looking at Kaidan. "Get across the tube, and we'll follow once it's free."

"Sounds good, Shep. I'll see you on the other side," Tali said, and Kaidan noticed Garrus's hand flick towards the Quarian just for a second as she stepped through the airlock. Shepard turned, glared at Kaidan, and moved to stand between Joker and EDI.

They couldn't see Tali yet, Kaidan doubted they'd be able to. The Bridge was silent, save for the running systems, as they waited. It felt like hours went by before Tali's voice echoed over the comm. "That ship is enormous! No wonder the fleet made such minimal damage." Kaidan could only imagine the view she had as Shepard replied easily, and gently reminded Tali to focus. The silence stretched on for a few more seconds, before they heard the Quarian gasp. "Keelah," her voice shook over the comm.

"What's the matter, Tali?" Shepard asked as she leaned to try to see her through the window. An intact section of tubing blocked their view.

"It's … Rannoch. She's beautiful," her voice held a quiet wistfulness, laced with utter sadness. They allowed her a moment, and heard her sniffle. Shepard asked if it was better than a vid, and Tali's voice trembled when she spoke a single word, "Better." They heard her starting to move again, the heavy clunk of her magboots against the metal tubing. Shepard was rocking on the balls of her feet, itching to move, to be doing something.

The silence stretched on as they listened to her breathing, "How are you doing Tali?" Garrus asked when the quiet became too much.

"The lack of gravity is disorienting, but the dreadnaught has artificial gravity, so I'll be fine once I'm inside," she responded, sounding determined. It was as if the sight of her homeworld gave her the added drive to get to the other side, to stop the geth. Kaidan wondered if it had changed her mind on whether or not the fleet should retreat or attack once the geth signal was disrupted.

"Take your time, we're fine here," Joker offered, his voice thick with his usual sarcasm. "That is, until they look out a window." Shepard kicked his seat and he snorted.

"Geth don't use windows, remember?" Tali replied, her tone light and unphased by her current status. "Structural weakness." The banter continued for a few moments more, and then died out as Tali continued the walk. Kaidan began to feel foolish for insisting Tali did the walk. The tube was holding up much better than he had thought it would. Maybe Shepard had been right, maybe she would have been fine.

No sooner than the thought crossed his mind, they heard metal scraping and snapping and instantly Tali was cursing. Kaidan gripped the back of Joker's seat and leaned forward just as Shepard did. "Tali! Tali, are you okay?" Garrus sounded frantic as they listened, waiting with bated breath for her response.

The tubing had detached. They could see it drifting away from the dreadnaught. Shepard's hand snatched Kaidan's as if on instinct. Kaidan laced their fingers and held on. Tali would be fine, she had to be. If not, they could go get her. The silence from her end of the comm was deafening.

After a brief eternity, Tali muttered a few choice curses over the comm. Her breathing heavy in their ears, and her voice shook when she spoke. Her fear was not lost on them. "I'm fine, I'm okay. It broke under my feet, but I'm okay. I'm at the ship already. It fell behind me. I'm okay," she promised them, and Garrus muttered under his breath. Kaidan wasn't sure what he said, but the relief was clear in the way his shoulders relaxed and his head dropped down. It sounded to Kaidan, as if in reassuring them she was okay, Tali was also reminding herself. She continued after a moment of deep, shuddering breaths. "The tube is, well, it's gone, obviously." Nervous laughter rang through the comm. "I'll have to get inside and free up another dock. Stand by."

Silence filled the Bridge, and Kaidan glanced down at Shepard. Her eyes were bright, wide in surprise as she stared at him. He squeezed her hand gently, and she returned the pressure. "Okay, you're all clear," Tali announced, and Shepard dropped Kaidan's hand and turned to Garrus.

"All right, Vakarian, let's go get your girl," she teased, and Garrus bristled as Shepard led him from the ship, snorting. Kaidan's hands balled into fists at his side. He hated watching her leave. "Joker, once we're inside I want you out of here and at a safe distance. There's too much activity this close. Keep our girl safe." Her order was understandable, but Kaidan's stomach rolled as Joker pulled the Normandy away from the Dreadnaught, leaving Shepard, Garrus, and Tali behind.

Author's Note: Shameless plug time... In case you missed it, I posted a oneshot titled What He Meant To Her. It's a sweet oneshot from Sloan's POV. It's a bit smutty, but I have no regrets. It started as a conversation on tumblr, and I have to say I am very proud of how it turned out. I'd love to hear what you think if you haven't alread reviewed. Feel free to follow me on tumblr, too. I'm still tlcinbflo. You'll get a first look at upcoming chapters, and have the opportunity to ask me just about anything about any of my characters. That's all for real this time. Thanks again! - TLC