Author's Note: Hello again! An immense thank you to those who have added The Reason to their favorite or follow lists. I'm so glad you like what you've read so far, and I hope I continue to please you. An extra thank you to those who commented on the last chapter, it was a difficult chapter to write, and this one wasn't much easier. I'm glad to know what you thought: Vorcha Girl, Kirabaros, Foxterra, Impslave, Taikee, Heraldcmdr, Kirsah, Zacharti, Jules Hawk, Schizoid-Freak, Kallie6891, ela11, and the guest.

Thank you all again! Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter Seventy-Six

Kaidan was on the elevator, returning to their cabin hours after Sloan had learned of Jacob's betrayal and Kahlee and Kasumi's death. He had escorted her to their cabin. EDI assisted with the elevator to ensure as few crew saw her with tear stained cheeks as possible. Once in their space, she insisted she was okay, that she had cried herself out. She needed him to talk to Garrus and Tali so they would continue to work with Admiral Raan on the plan for Rannoch. Her personal tragedy could not stop their progress. He hated to leave her, but she was right. The war must go on.

He obeyed her request, her order, and made sure the business aspect of their day would continue while she prepared to deliver the news of Kahlee's death to Anderson. EDI was in the process of securing the link to Earth and contacting the Admiral to make sure he was available.

Finally, the elevator reached their floor and he moved quickly into their room. He found her sitting at her desk. She was in her dress blues; her jacket hung over the back of the chair behind her. Her hair was damp, from her shower, and fell down her back. She had her hairbrush in her left hand and he could see the four pins on the desk in front of her. He said nothing, and she had no reaction to his entering the room. He moved to their closet and pulled out his own dress blues. He pulled them on quickly. "Admiral Anderson will be available in approximately five minutes," EDI announced into their room. Sloan had no response, so Kaidan thanked the AI.

He moved back to stand behind her and looked down at her. She was staring at nothing, her gaze was clouded and he ignored the tear that slipped down her cheek. It mocked the make-up she had applied as it left a trail in its wake. Still standing behind her, he reached down for her brush. He took it from her hand, and she sniffled. He ran the brush through her hair. He let the bristles gently scratch her scalp as he smoothed her hair back into a low ponytail. Her hair was cool, because it was damp, and heavy because it was long. It smelled sweet, like plum blossoms. Kaidan's throat was hot and thick with his own grief as he reached in front of her for her pins. He placed all four between his lips and sent up a silent prayer that he knew what he was doing.

He twisted her hair, the way he had seen her twist it so many times before, and secured it with the same four pins. He felt no small sense of pride when the bun stayed in place. He let his hands fall to rest on her shoulders, and she reached up and covered his hands with hers. "I don't know how to tell him." Her admission was a whisper.

"Sloan," he spoke her name, and she turned her face up to his, searching for answers he couldn't really give and he felt her pain acutely in his chest. "You won't have to." He knew she understood. Anderson would look at her, dressed in her Blues, with her professional mask covering her own sadness, and he would know something had happened. She would only be confirming his guess. It didn't make it any easier, but at least she seemed comforted in some small way.

"You'll stay with me?" she asked him as she stood and he took her jacket in hand before she could. He held it for her, and she slid her arms in the sleeves. He adjusted it on her shoulders and she turned to face him. He buttoned it, and adjusted the collar before meeting her eyes.

"If you want me there, of course," he promised before taking her hand. She nodded and forced a shaky smile before leading him towards the elevator. He kept his hand in hers, her fingers tight. He could feel her biotics pulsing with her heartbeat and knew she was not as okay as she was pretending to be. He turned towards her, and pulled her into his chest. She trembled as she seemed to bury herself in him. He pulled back and she tilted glistening eyes to his. His heart hurt at the pain he could see there.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning into him. Her hands slid up his chest and fisted his collar. He held her, hoping he was a source of strength for her, a comfort. He knew that she was about to change Anderson's life, forever. Losing your love is the hardest thing to survive. Sloan's death had been harder than the death of his father, and Anderson would always have the memory of Sloan telling him Kahlee was gone.

After a long moment, the elevator reached the CIC, and the doors opened. Kaidan released her and she took his hand immediately. They walked through the CIC and, to Kaidan's surprise, she continued to hold his hand. Most of the crew averted their eyes, Traynor hissed at a few which made them look away. Shepard was, thankfully, oblivious.

They passed through the security checkpoint, and Kaidan reminded himself again to apologize. Finally, and too quickly, they were in the comm room. The QEC was activating and Shepard turned and looked at him, panicked. He reached out, straightened a pin on her lapel, and stood at attention. She followed suit, her eyes hardening as she turned towards the Admiral.

"Sloan – Commander," Anderson had started to greet her warmly, with a smile. He missed nothing though, as his eyes took in her distress and her uniform. Anderson's gaze darted to Kaidan, who was grateful he had released Shepard's hand before the connection was stabilized. "What can I do for you? Your message said it was urgent." Kaidan could hear the tremor in his voice. He knew something had happened, and when the Admiral dropped into parade rest, Kaidan knew he was bracing himself for it.

"Sir, I'm not contacting you as my CO," Shepard started, her voice cracking and she dropped her head. Kaidan swallowed hard, and waited. After a few moments, she looked up. Her face stony and Kaidan watched as the seasoned Admiral steeled himself for the blow, "I am contacting you because you are Kahlee Sanders' next of kin. I am very sorry, Sir. There was an incident on the Crucible, and Kahlee Sanders was killed." She spoke the words quickly, devoid of personal emotion, and it wasn't until Anderson whimpered and leaned forward, his hands gripping the bar before him that she faltered.

"Sloan, what happened?" David asked, his voice trembling as tears filled his eyes. Kaidan suddenly felt like he was intruding on a too personal moment. "Tell me." So, she did. She explained everything that Hackett had told her. That she had died saving not only Hackett's life but their progress on the Crucible, their progress in the war. She died a hero's death, even though she had left the Alliance. "Did she suffer?" He asked, his voice a whisper.

"She was killed instantly, when the device detonated," Shepard answered, her voice broke with her resolve. She sounded so young when she spoke again, like a child who had disappointed a parent. "David, I'm so sorry. I sent her there. I sent her there, then I sent the scientists there. I should have known Taylor was indoctrinated. I was supposed to keep her safe. I sent her there. Kasumi, Kasumi didn't even want to join. I convinced her, bribed her practically, and now she's dead. Goddamn it. David, I'm sorry. I should have done better," Sloan wasn't sobbing again this - this was worse. She was beating herself up. She was demanding more of herself than anyone could demand of another person. She was demanding perfection. Kaidan reached out and tried to take her hand. She wouldn't take comfort from him. His jaw clenched as Anderson stood straight wiping his eyes.

"You stop that. Do you hear me?" Anderson asked, his voice held an alien tremble and Sloan stood at attention instantly. "This is not your fault. There was no way for you to know Taylor was under their control. Kahlee knows … Kahlee knew this was a risk in her work. It was something we both accepted. I just, I never expected… listen. There's still a war to win. We owe that to Kahlee. We owe that to her sacrifice. Do you hear me?" Anderson asked, and Sloan nodded. She reached up and scrubbed her hands over her face. She sniffled.

"Yes, Sir," she answered, and David nodded. They spoke for a brief moment more. Simple platitudes that fell on deaf ears on both ends before they said their goodbyes. Shepard turned her back on the QEC as the connection was broken. She didn't see the image of Anderson fall to his knees with his hands over his face. Thank god for small miracles. Her hand found his and she turned her face to him and met his eyes. "I have to tell the crew." He nodded and shot a message to those who knew Kasumi from their time with Cerberus.

The entered the conference room and found Admiral Raan, Tali, Garrus, and a geth – Legion. Kaidan had missed him earlier. It was strange to see the synthetic on the Normandy. He barely hid the twitch of his hand to his sidearm. Instinct. Muscle memory. It wore a piece of her old armor. That bothered him more than he expected.

"Admiral Raan," she greeted with a nod, the Quarian started to speak until Shepard raised her hand. "We have some Normandy business to attend to before we take on your war. Please, give us the room." There was a soft sound of disappointment before the Admiral trilled her acceptance of the request, and left the room. There was a heaviness in the room as Shepard leaned forward and gripped the edge of the table. Her knuckles were white with strain. The door opened and Liara and Chakwas entered taking spots on either side of Garrus and Tali. Kaidan met each of their eyes.

The silence was heavy in the room, and Kaidan clenched his jaw. Thick, cloudy, it was alive and vibrant and coated his throat with every breath. "Shepard?" Liara voiced softly, breaking the silence. She lifted her head and met the Asari's eyes. "What has happened?"

"Jacob Taylor was indoctrinated and I sent him to the Crucible. He planted and detonated a bomb in an assassination attempt on Hackett. The Admiral is fine, because of Kasumi, but Kasumi and Kahlee Sanders were killed." Shepard's voice cracked as the emotion won. Kaidan's chest clenched with the need to wrap her in his arms and comfort her. He watched as Tali turned into Garrus' chest. The Turian wrapped his arms around her without missing beat. Liara's eyes hardened, and dropped to the table. Dr. Chakwas said nothing. Her face stoic, and seemingly without a response. "Taylor was killed, but this attack has moved Cerberus up on my kill list. I am done with them sabotaging us. Liara, I need you to work to find them, any information you can. I am not losing another friend to their traitorous violence. Thane, Kasumi, Kahlee, and even Jacob, will be avenged."

Liara accepted the order, and Shepard dismissed the room. She asked Tali, Legion, and Garrus to go to the War Room with Raan. Kaidan and she would follow. Chakwas made her way over to the Commander, and Shepard rolled her eyes as the doctor opened her scanner. "Commander, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Chakwas," Shepard insisted, and Kaidan could feel her frustration rolling off her. Chakwas met his eyes, and he tried to keep his concern in check, but he knew he failed.

"I disagree," she answered shaking her head. "I'm sorry Shepard, but I'm taking you off active duty for twelve hours. You're not fit, not right now. You need to rest." Shepard started to argue, but deflated easily. Chakwas reached up and cupped her face. "You've suffered a loss, and you'll be distracted, and put yourself at risk. I will not allow it." Kaidan was surprised when Shepard nodded. She turned and met Kaidan's eyes. She seemed grateful that the decision was taken out of her hands. "See me in the morning, and perhaps I'll clear you after a good night's sleep." Shepard nodded, and thanked the Doctor. She gave her a smile, though it didn't reach her eyes, before turning and leaving the room.

She reached out and took his hand. "Let's go see what kind of shit the Quarians got themselves into." They fell into step together on their way to the door. He allowed her to pass through first, but she waited for him and took his hand. She was holding tight to him, and that made him worry. He was grateful she was so accepting of the doctor's orders. He knew it was the right decision. He just hoped the Quarians wouldn't need anything else today. He wanted to be able to stay with her while she was off duty. He wanted to be there to comfort her and to make sure that she did rest.

They entered the War Room. Kaidan could feel her reluctance to release his hand, but she did. His eyes moved over those assembled. Tali, Garrus, Legion, and Admiral Raan. He was momentarily distracted when Raan started speaking. Another Admiral, Koris, sacrificed his ship to take out a planetary defense canon the geth were using to rip apart the fleet. He was currently alive, and stranded on Rannoch with little to no protection. "We'll go get him," Shepard agreed, before Legion spoke up.

The geth's oddly digital voice was warm, and vibrated almost pleasantly. It was something that surprised Kaidan as he listed to it warn them that while the reaper signal was no longer being broadcast throughout the area, it was still on Rannoch and would be repaired soon.

"How long do we have?" Shepard asked, her voice steel. Kaidan winced. He knew how drained she was.

"Approximately 12 hours before the geth are back at full strength."

Shepard nodded and reached out and braced herself on the table. Kaidan met Garrus's eyes across the room and felt the same concern from the Turian. "Okay," Shepard breathed the word, betraying her exhaustion." She glanced at Kaidan over her shoulder. She held his gaze for a long, quiet moment. "Vakarian and Tali, take Vega and Cortez and get your Admiral. Bring him back here, along with any survivors you can extract. Make sure everyone is seen by Chakwas." She glanced at her tool. "We'll meet here at 0400 to plan our move to take back Rannoch." She met everyone's eyes before she dismissed them and they filed out of the room. Kaidan was grateful they had no questions.

She turned to him, and leaned her forehead into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, and held her close. He pressed his face into her hair, and inhaled. He whispered when he spoke. "Go upstairs, get into bed. I'm going to get us some food, and I'll meet you up there. Alright?" She didn't speak, but he felt her nod. She pulled back, and he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. She sighed, and pulled back. He wasn't surprised by the tears on her cheeks. He reached up and wiped them away. "Come on." He took her hand again, and led her to the elevator. She stepped on and rested against the far wall. He pressed the door for their cabin, and kept his eyes on hers until the doors closed.

He stopped up on the Bridge and gave Joker the order to go into stealth and stay a healthy distance from Rannoch once the crew was back on board. Joker nodded and Kaidan turned to EDI, "Divert all contact attempts for the Commander and me to our private terminals; that goes for crew as well as Command." She agreed, and Kaidan clapped Joker on the shoulder before leaving the Bridge. He stopped in the mess and gathered some food. None of it was too appetizing, but it was calories and he knew she needed it. He also stopped in the med-bay and Chakwas gave him some tea to help Shepard sleep. She also handed him something stronger, just in case. He thanked her before leaving and heading to their room.

He found her sitting at the foot of the bed, dressed in one of his Alliance t-shirts. He knew it was his because it was far too big on her. The jacket of her dress blues was slung over her desk. Her shoes and tights were left at the bottom of the stairs. Her shirt was on the couch. Her face was streaked with tears and she sighed when she looked up and met his eyes. "Sorry," she said as she reached up and wiped at her face. He shook his head, and silently wished she would stop apologizing for feeling, and reacting, and being human. He set his procurements down on the desk. He handed her a MRE and she made a face at it before she tore it open and started eating.

It didn't take him long to undress. He stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed with his own meal in a bag. They ate in silence, and with military efficiency. Shepard finished first and set the empty bag on the night stand before she laid back. He could feel her eyes on him, and he finished quickly. He met her eyes, and heard her sigh. He wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't sure what she needed. She knew. When he was grieving his father, she just knew what he needed. He felt clueless, lost as he watched her. Then, as if offering him a lifeline, she reached her hand to him. He took it and she pulled him down next to her and wrapped his arm around her.

This was easy. He could do this. He could hold her for as long as she needed. Forever, if she wanted. Forever. That's what he wanted. He didn't want to go to sleep next to anyone else, ever. He couldn't imagine waking up in a world where she didn't exist, a world where they weren't together. He refused to believe that was an option. They shifted easily. Their bodies fitting together. Arms around each other, and legs entwined. Her face buried in his chest. She trembled, and he knew she was crying again.

He shushed her, soothing whispers, empty promises, promises that everything would be okay. His hands moved over her back in long, gentle strokes. Eventually, she stopped crying and pulled back slightly. She wiped at her eyes and apologized. He sighed softly before rolling onto his back. She moved to rest her head on his chest. Her hand moved in lazy patterns on the warm skin over his heart. He ran his hand through her hair. Their breathing was the only thing that broke the silence for a long time. He cleared his throat. She lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest to look into his face. "So, what do you want to do when this is over? When we win?"

She stared at him blankly, and he felt nervous under her stare. She sighed, and shook her head lightly before lying back down on his chest. "Kaidan, I think you need to accept the fact that we're not going to make it."

He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. He could feel it racing, but it was distant as pure confusion filled him. "What?" He snapped the question at her, and she lifted her head to look at him again.

"Kaidan," she whispered his name, surprise clear in her tone. "You really think we're going to win, don't you?" He hated the way she said it, like he was foolish for thinking it. "I think you need to accept the fact that we're going to lose. This … Crucible … it's a shot in the dark. I'm running through the motions because I don't have any other choice, but it's fruitless. We're outnumbered, outsmarted … the Reapers are going to win. This, what we're doing, it's for show. To give hope until it's over."

"Fuck that." He snapped again, and he knew it was harsh but he didn't care. He couldn't believe that's what she thought. He couldn't believe she had already given up. He shifted, rolling her beneath him so he could look down into her face and hold her close. He needed to make her see. He needed her to hope, not just give hope to others. "I refuse to believe they've won already. I refuse to believe everything we've done, everything we've been through, has been for nothing. No, I won't. The Crucible will work. We'll send these bastards back to the dark space where they came from, and goddamn it, Sloan, you're getting your happy ever after." He held her face, making sure she kept her eyes on his.

Her eyes filled with tears, and she nodded, "Okay. Okay, we're going to win." He wasn't sure if she actually believed it, or if she was just saying it to please him. He would take it, for now, but he would show her. He would prove it to her. They were going to win. He felt the emotion at the back of his throat and he wanted to yell at her, and make her see how wrong she was. Instead, he kissed her. She tangled her fingers in his hair as she opened her mouth to him. The kiss was demanding, and insistent. He poured all of his frustration with her into the kiss. She whimpered beneath him before he ended the kiss with a few, quick kisses to her swollen lips. He pressed his forehead to hers, and was watching when her glassy eyes opened and met his.

"Now, Sloan," he said as they shifted again. She rolled to her side, and he pulled her to him. His arm wrapped around her, holding her back against his chest, her head pillowed on his arm. She covered her hand with his as he continued. "What do you want when this is over?" She was quiet for a long time.

When she finally spoke there was a wistful, exhausted edge to her voice. "A farm. I want horses, pigs, cows, and chickens. I want to grow fruits and vegetables. I want to retire. I want to be done. I want to watch the sun set on my back porch. I never want to be awake before the sun rises. I want…" Her voice broke, and she stopped. He pressed a kiss to her neck and she squeezed his hand. "I want babies."

He felt his chest constrict at her words. It had been what she had always wanted. He'd get it for her, even if he died trying. She deserved it. "Then, you'll have it. All of it. Everything you want, you'll have it." He felt her nod. She turned her head, and wet her lips. He kissed her and put every ounce of his promise into the kiss. Their breathing increased, and soft moans slipped her from her. She ended the kiss before it turned into more. He left a trail of kisses along her neck after she let her head rest on his arm again. He could feel how tired she was as her body relaxed and her muscles started to twitch.

"Kaidan?" She broke the silence, and he felt the tug at his heart at the gentle, almost timid, tone of her voice.

"Hm?"

"Will you be there?"

"Always."

Author's Note: This Friday, the 22nd, marks two years since I posted the first chapter of The Reason on this site. I am hopeful to finish it this year. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do when it's over. It will be ... bittersweet to say the least. Thank you to everyone who has been there from the start - you know who you are - and to those who have joined along the way. Again, your support with this has been amazing, and I can't thank you enough. - TLC