Author's Note: Well, I got the promotion, so I'm back down to one job and 40 hours a week instead of averaging 65-70. What does this mean? More time to write! Score! That said I have to thank those who have added The Reason to their favorite or follow lists. An extra thank you to those who took a moment to leave a comment and let me know what you think. I appreciate it more than you know: Kirabaros, Vorcha Girl, Bint-Lilith, Schizoid-Freak, Kallie6891, Kateriel79, Jules Hawk, Impslave, Zacharti, Kirsah, bayanbasri, and ela11. Thank you so so much.
I think some of you have been waiting for this chapter, and what happens, so I'll be quiet now ... Enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Seventy-Eight
It had sounded simple enough in theory. They had the coordinates for the Reaper signal on Rannoch. They just needed to get to the site so Shepard could use a syncing laser to line up the shot for the Quarian fleet. Then, the fleet would lock in on the signal and fire simultaneously to take out the signal. Kaidan had to admit, Legion's admission about still having the Reaper upgrades concerned him. It said the upgrades would allow it to break any geth security. Shepard trusted it, but that didn't mean Kaidan had to.
Regardless of Kaidan's concern, the problem didn't actually arise until they reached the site of the Reaper signal. Yes, they had to fight their way through geth, but that hardly felt like something new. The problem was the fact that it wasn't a Reaper signal they were after.
It was a goddamn Reaper.
"Shepard to fleet! It was not a Reaper base; it is a live Reaper! I repeat a live Reaper! I need an orbital strike!"
They had managed to procure a geth vehicle, which Legion drove navigating easily, as Shepard manned the guns and ordered. Kaidan and Tali sat together, and he hated how helpless he was in this moment. Heart racing, he could feel the sweat trickling down his back beneath his suit as he watched Shepard. Tali was mumbling something his translator wasn't picking up. It sounded an awful lot like prayers.
Kaidan heard the fleet's weapons strike home and Legion brought the vehicle to a stop. The Reaper let out a groan and the ground seemed to shake beneath them as they waited. "The firing chamber is a weak point as it's priming. We need to continue to coordinate our strikes to the chamber!" Kaidan wasn't hearing the other end of the conversation. He had to assume the Reaper was affecting the comms. He was just glad Shepard was still communicating with the fleet. With that Reaper chasing them, they were target practice, completely at the mercy of Legion's skills.
"We can escape before it recovers," Legion offered, his head light turning to find Shepard. She looked at Tali, whose head was still down, hands folded together.
"No," Shepard ordered as she stood and grabbed her helmet.
"What's happening?" Kaidan asked, his heart pounding against his ribs.
"Pull over," Shepard glanced at Legion who obeyed the command before she met Kaidan's eyes again. "The fleet can't target from orbit. The Reaper is jamming the signal. I'm going to have to use the laser to help them." She secured her helmet and Kaidan felt the floor of the vehicle fall out from beneath his feet. She was going to go up against a Reaper on foot?
"Shepard," Kaidan started as Legion stopped the vehicle.
"If we leave now, the geth stay under Reaper control, and the Quarians are dead. I need you here in case I fall, you need to get them out of here and back to the Normandy. This ends now." She secured her helmet and opened the door to the shuttle. Kaidan's heart dropped to his feet as Legion moved the vehicle further away from her, keeping them relatively safe. He didn't understand why she had to go alone. His stomach rolled as he stood and moved to the door, he opened the latch and watched, awe struck and nauseated as she started her dance with the ancient machine.
Kaidan barely heard as Legion explained that EDI had the entire Quarian fleet linked in to the targeting matrix of the laser. Once Shepard set the target, it would rain fire on the Reaper. He choked down his heart, which had found itself a home in his throat, as he watched her dodge the blood red beam of destruction the Reaper shot at her.
If it wasn't so completely horrifying, he could have admired her agility and the graceful way she moved to avoid certain death. Her flexibility as she dodged and maneuvered herself around the machine would have been beautiful if a misstep didn't mean her demise. He heard Tali murmuring again and he turned his burning gaze on her. The words rose from his chest in a fit of rage and he spit them at her without thinking. "We're here because of you, Tali." Her head lifted and her eyes met his through the visor. "You and your stupid fuckin' war. If she gets herself killed again, it's your fault." He wasn't sure if she responded; he wasn't listening.
He turned back towards Shepard in time to watch the beam make contact with the ground where her feet had been seconds earlier. Every time the fleet hit that goddamn machine, it moved closer to her, the beam needing less time to aim as she struggled to target the laser. He started muttering his own prayers, but to whom he couldn't say.
Pure, unadulterated terror raced through his veins as he watched her. Her armor the only protection she had. In this moment, he hated her, hated her as much as he loved her. He needed her to stop doing this – risking herself, but he knew deep inside she couldn't. She wouldn't. He winced as she dodged again, and as much as he wanted to race out to her, he knew he would only distract her. He chewed the inside of his cheek as the Reaper continued its fight with her.
It seemed like it was on top of her as she used the laser again, directing the orbital attack. It was as if time slowed down as she locked on. The beam was powered up when the attack fell from the sky for the final time. As the Reaper took shot after shot from the sky, Shepard sank to a knee, spent. He could see her back heaving as she gulped in breath after breath. He could see the Reaper was finished, small explosions going off within its hard protective armor. He grinned as pride, adoration, excitement, and love rose in him all at once and he nearly hollered with the overflowing emotions.
He had an interesting vantage point, as the fire rained down from the fleet, and the Reaper struggled to stay standing, pieces of the landscape were being shook loose. Rocks fell form nearby formations as the ground fractured. Landslides were triggered around her and he had the sinking realization that while the Reaper was on its way down, she wasn't out of danger just yet.
As if in response to his thought, he noticed an ACME sized boulder was rolling towards her and she was completely unaware. He didn't give it a second though. It was instinctual, the way he reached inside for his power and unleashed it on the piece of Rannoch headed for Shepard. He Lifted it with a roar, and noticed only briefly when Shepard turned towards him. His biotics wrapped around the offending piece of stone and held it suspended above her head. She looked up and, when she saw it, scrambled out of the way.
The mass of the boulder was unexpected, and Kaidan felt the heat in his amp as he held it suspended in air. While holding it, he gathered power in his right hand, a sound came from deep in his core as sweat broke out on his forehead and stung his eyes, trails raced down his back at the energy he was expending. He Threw the boulder with a violent flick of his wrist. As it sailed away from her, he knew he had done too much. The heat at his amp broke into full fledged throbbing and black and white spots danced before his eyes. He stumbled slightly as Shepard reached him. She looked into his eyes through his visor, and he had a hard time focusing on her.
"Kaidan?" She whispered, concern shining in her cerulean eyes but his response was cut off when the fucking Reaper called her name.
"Shepard."
She turned away from him, and he was grateful as he stumbled slightly until he found something to lean against. He closed his eyes and listened. Happy she was still able to speak as he fought the churning nausea in his gut. "You know who I am?"
"Harbinger speaks of you." The Reaper's voice was thunder and with each word Kaidan saw stars. He vaguely noticed a second shuttle land near by. He heard footsteps and the soft words of Tali, Garrus, James, and Legion. He couldn't make out what they were saying over the booming words of the Reaper. "You resist. But you will fail. The cycle must continue." Shepard was arguing with it, demanding an explanation. The Reaper insisted they must wipe out all organics to allow order to reign in the galaxy. It promised the Reapers would be waiting, and ready.
Kaidan pushed himself off the wall of stone he'd been leaning on as he swallowed hard. He blinked a few times, until his sight cleared and he moved to stand with Shepard and Tali. Legion was nearby and James and Garrus followed closely. James stopped next to him, gripping his arm as he wavered on his feet. "Hey, Viejo, you alright? You injured?" James asked, and Kaidan shook his head.
"I'm fine," he insisted pulling his arm roughly from James's grip and taking a step away. James shrugged but stayed close by. He tried to focus. He closed his eyes and stood still, hands clenched at his sides as he focused on his breathing. He listened to the voices, turning down the volume on his helmet comm.
Legion confirmed the Reaper signal was gone. It confirmed the geth were no longer under Reaper control. They were free. Admiral Gerrel spoke over the now clear comms that the geth had stopped firing and were completely vulnerable. He listened, focusing on the words and trying to ignore the fire raging in his neck and the thunderstorm in his head. He listened as Legion argued for the geth. He listened as Tali begged Shepard not to sacrifice her people to save the synthetic race.
He heard her complete the impossible, and he only wished he'd felt well enough to truly admire her. She stopped the war, she got the geth and the Quarian to agree to live and work together. Her words alone, spoke with an elegant sense of authority, saved a species. He sensed the panic in their tones more than heard or understood what was happening. Something went wrong. He tried to understand, but he couldn't - not really. The voices were distant as he tried to remain present. His eyes still pressed closed as he ignored the flashes of light and the bile at the back of his throat.
Legion had to sacrifice himself. He heard it, and he heard Shepard's broken sob as the platform shut down. He nearly vomited in his helmet, but swallowed hard. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, but he knew if he did he would lose the control he had on his own body. Somehow, he remained standing. He was aware of the geth and the Quarian agreeing to help with the war against the Reapers; he heard them agree to share Rannoch.
He felt the sweat continue to trickle down his back, and his face. He knew he must be feverish from the migraine. He knew they were still talking around him. He could feel James's presence, an annoying itch at his side, watching him. He heard the soft click of a helmet, it echoed oddly over the comms and he forced his eyes open. He was astounded by the beauty of the scene before him. It could have been in a vid and part of him was glad he'd made himself look. Framed by the rolling red and gold landscape of Rannoch, and the blues and purples of the sky. Tali removed her face mask, and breathed deeply.
She turned toward Garrus, whose mandibles twitched involuntarily as he stepped closer to her. Kaidan couldn't help the grin that pulled at his lips as he watched the Turian take Tali's hands in his and lean forward. He pressed his mouth against hers, and Kaidan closed his eyes and turned away from them, allowing them a moment of privacy. He heard James snigger, and Shepard giggled softly.
Kaidan's heart fell when he tasted copper at the back of his throat. He turned, not able to wait any longer and started to stumble in the general direction of the shuttle. He felt James's hand on his arm again. The burly marine mentioned something to Shepard about needing to get the Major back to the ship to repair some armor. Kaidan knew Shepard wouldn't buy it. He had a very real sense that he was caught, and he swallowed hard, again, as James ushered him to a seat on the shuttle.
It wasn't much later when Kaidan was in the cabin on the Normandy. James promised to take care of his armor, and he stumbled up to the cabin dressed only in his under armor, in the hopes of stopping his nosebleed before it started. He didn't. He reached their quarters and made it as far as the bathroom before the blood started its warm, sick path down his face. He grabbed tissues from the bathroom before he stumbled to the couch. He fell onto the leather seat and applied pressure to try to stop the bleeding.
His head still throbbed, his face felt swollen and his stomach churned with the metallic taste filling his mouth. He wasn't sure how long he sat like that, but eventually he heard the door to the cabin open. His heart raced, which caused his head to throb harder. Shepard called for him, and he only grunted his response. He heard her soft footsteps as she padded down the stairs. She sighed his name when she saw him; her voice was full of concern and disappointment. His eyes were pressed closed, but the tears came anyway, pushing passed his lashes and slipping down his cheeks and he wasn't sure if they were tears of pain, shame, or relief at no longer having to hide.
She placed her hands on his back and urged him to lean forward. He obeyed without question. She unzipped his underarmor and pushed it forward over his shoulders. With a gentle pressure, she urged him to sit back against the couch. She helped him pull his arms out from the suit, allowing him to continue to juggle the tissue to keep it pressed to his bleeding nose. She pushed the materiel down to his hips. His eyes remained closed. He didn't think he could handle seeing the disappointment in her eyes. He felt the prick of a needle in his arm, and the sweet rush of narcotics swimming in his veins.
She disappeared from his side for just a moment. He chanced a glance at her. She was at his bedside table. He closed his eyes again as she turned. He felt the couch give next to him, and then her hands were at the back of his neck, and he dropped his head at her touch. She opened the amp port, pushed the amp in slightly and it popped out enough for her to hold it. She slid it from the implant, and closed the port. He heard the case close and then laid back, his head resting on the back of the couch.
She straddled his legs, sitting on his lap facing him. He opened his eyes slightly, looking at her through his lashes, and he was startled by the tears rolling down her cheeks. His heart broke knowing he'd caused her pain. He sighed, his free hand falling to her leg. She reached up, and pulled the blood soaked tissues from his face and replaced it with an icy cold pack covered with cloth. It was too cold for just a moment, but after that it was a relief to everything swollen in his face. His hands rested on her legs. Sliding up to her hips and down to her knees, apologizing with every stroke.
They stayed like that, the only sound her sniffling, until she finally removed the ice. He felt her weight shift as she twisted; his hands moving to her waist to hold her as she did. He felt a warm cloth on his face, wiping away the dirt and grime from Rannoch, and the dried remnants of his nosebleed. She cupped his face and tilted his head, bringing his forehead to hers. He sighed, and felt the hot regret and shame in his throat at being caught in his deceit. "How long?" she whispered, breaking the silence before pressing a kiss to his forehead. Then his closed eyes, cheeks, nose, and the corners of his mouth.
"Since Mars."
His heart ached at her sharp intake of breath. "Kaidan," she whispered his name, her voice weak with concern and fear. He opened his eyes and found hers, once again, swimming with tears. "Does Chakwas know?" He shook his head slightly. "Why did you keep this from me?"
"If you knew, you would have sidelined me. You would have kept me on the ship, and if you had I wouldn't have been there to protect you. You would have died today if I hadn't been there to stop the boulder," he reminded her, his explanation had sounded logical and right when he told himself, but speaking the words to her felt hollow.
"If you had told me, I would have been sure to get you the help you needed so that you could be there with me, and not be risking your life," she argued, her voice jagged as she spoke.
"My life doesn't matter," he answered her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She cocked her head at him. "You matter. Keeping you alive is all that matters. If I have to suffer with migraines and nosebleeds to keep you alive it's worth it. If I die keeping you alive, it's worth it."
His heart nearly broke at the keening sound that slipped from her throat. "Don't say things like that." Her voice was a broken whisper. It was his turn to look confused. "Kaidan, for a smart man, you're fairly clueless." He asked her, quietly, for an explanation. "What is it you think I'm fighting for?" He shrugged at her incredulous tone. She shook her head and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "I couldn't care less about the Quarian, the geth, the Asari, the Turian, any of them. I suit up and I go out there and I fight for you. For a future with you in it." She paused when he gasped, his eyes instantly filling with tears. Her hands reached up and let her fingers dance over his face, her eyes following their path. She sighed, her fingers tracing his lips and the scar that cut through them. "I don't want to live in a galaxy without you." She paused, her hands resting on his chest, and he would bet every credit to his name she could feel his heart thundering beneath her fingers. She took a deep breath, locked her eyes on his, and spoke in a soft, gentle tone. "I love you, Kaidan."
His breath stuck in his throat, and his heart stopped beating, he was sure. He had known somewhere in the back of his mind that she had never said those words to him. He hadn't thought he needed to hear them. He knew she loved him. It was in the way she looked at him, the way she touched him, kissed him, made love to him. It was in other things she said to him, he had known she loved him. Still, there was a sense of completion that washed over him when she said the words, and he felt like he could do anything. "Really?"
She laughed quietly, and leaned forward. Her nose brushed his lightly before she pressed her forehead to his. "Yes, really. I didn't … I thought you knew."
"I think … I mean, I did," he answered, unable to stop smiling. "It's still nice to hear." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. She tasted salty and sweet, and her kiss was soft and warm. Their lips danced momentarily, before she angled her head and kissed him deeper, holding him close as if she was afraid to lose him. She held him like he was precious, like he needed protecting. She held him the way he held her and he felt like he was going to fly apart on a molecular level, the happy energy was almost too much for him. She ended the kiss early and he was grateful for it. While he wished he could take this further, his head was still swimming, from the migraine and the medication, and he knew he needed to sleep. She stood, and took his hand. He followed unquestioningly. She told him to strip to his boxers and lie down on his stomach on their bed.
He obeyed; wrapping his arms around her pillow, he buried his face in her scent. Moments later, he felt the bed dip as she joined him. She sat on the back of his thighs and, after a minute, felt her warm, strong hands on his back, and her bare legs on either side of his. A moaned slipped from him as she slid her lotion covered fingers up his spine, finding and working out all the knots along the way. She had strong, capable hands but as they moved confidently over his back and shoulders there was a tenderness to her touch that caused a stirring in his chest. What he did to deserve this woman, this amazing woman who loved him, he didn't know. His life had taken him down some dark paths, and he had struggled more than once to find his way. Somehow, that way had let him here and he wouldn't change any of it, not for a second. She continued to work out the tension in his back, which helped to alleviate his headache. They didn't say anything, but he felt full and warm and loved as she cared for him.
Once his body was relaxed, she leaned down and placed a kiss to the back of his neck. He inhaled sharply as her lips touched the skin near his amp port. She moved off him, and sat next to him. Her back to their headboard, he reached over and pulled her closer, placing his head in her lap. She'd changed as he stripped, removing her clothes and pulling on one of his shirts. She slowly ran her fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. She whispered when she spoke, "I'm taking you off active duty until Chakwas clears you. You're to see her first thing in the morning." He sighed as he realized he still had to fess up to a lie. He knew Chakwas would be angry, but in this moment he couldn't care. His head was in Sloan's lap. Her hands were in his hair. She was humming softly. She loved him. Nothing else mattered.