Author's Note: I don't want to keep you too long. I'll offer a quick thanks to those who have added The Reason or any of my writing to their favorite or follow lists. An extra thanks to those who took a moment and let me know what they thought of the last chapter: BioticKitty, bayanbasri, Kirabaros, sirius ordo, Kallie6891, PhoenixAlthor, Jules Hawk, Zacharti, HeroInTraining, Analya-Shepard, Vorcha Girl, Stryper, and ela11.

Now, without further ado ... Enjoy! - TLC

Chapter Eighty-Three

Her heart had stopped.

Kaidan finally let himself rest. He'd returned to the Normandy on full auto-pilot. He ignored the looks and comments from the crew, and his friends. He completed his reports and ordered Joker to the Citadel – which was unnecessary as he was already on the way. Now, he was in the mess with nothing left to distract him from the fact that Sloan's heart had stopped beating.

He wrapped his hands around a slowly cooling cup of coffee. There was a sharp pain every time he took a breath. Tension was building at the base of his head. Nausea rolled through his stomach and he swallowed bile as it burned the back of his throat. His BDUs felt stiff and he focused on the scratch of the rough material to distract himself from the dried blood he knew was crusted on his knees. He glanced up to the med-bay windows as he took a drink of his coffee, but Chakwas still had them blurred. He had no idea what was happening. He focused on what he did know.

Shepard's heart had stopped.

The chair next to him grated on the metal floor as it was pulled from the table. He didn't look, but knew it was Tali and Traynor who had joined him. They didn't speak, just added their silence to his. A heaviness settled over the mess as they waited. Garrus and James arrived next. Garrus found a seat next to Tali, stretching his arm out behind her. James placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder as he passed him and sat at the table. Slowly but surely everyone joined him. The day's tasks were done; the on duty crew was thinning out. The silence was choking him as he waited. Everyone was anxious, waiting for word on the Commander, but they didn't know. They didn't know.

Shepard's heart had stopped.

"So, is it true Shepard beat a Yahg?" Traynor asked, breaking the silence. Kaidan's knuckles turned white as his grip tightened. His jaw clenched so hard his teeth hurt. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

"It is, actually," Garrus answered, his two-toned voice rolling.

"Bullshit," James countered leaning back in his seat.

"No, the Shadow Broker was a Yahg. The Shadow Broker picked a fight with the wrong asari anthropologist. Liara enlisted Shepard's help, and long story short, Liara's the Shadow Broker," Garrus answered, a few chuckles broke the somber mood briefly; too briefly. Garrus let out a deep breath. "She did so much for all of us, especially before we took down the Collectors."

"She spoke so elegantly with the Admiralty Board. If it wasn't for her, I would have been exiled from the Flotilla, branded a traitor. Now look at me! I'm an Admiral!" Tali added, and Kaidan was surprised he hadn't heard about this before. He took another drink of coffee as Tali recounted some of the things Sloan had said about her. Kaidan could tell, even through Tali's trill, that her voice trembled with emotion. Kaidan wanted to say something, but he thought if he opened his mouth to speak or react in anyway he'd vomit. So, instead he looked down to his coffee and bit his tongue.

"She always went out of the way for us. For the craziest things. Saving me on Omega, then helping me track down and kill Sidonis. It was my craving for revenge, and I know she didn't fully agree with my decision, but she knew it was what I needed. So, she helped me. If she hadn't shown up when she did, I would have been dead four times over on Omega," Garrus filled in. Kaidan let out a deep breath and his eyes locked on the med-bay windows, hoping for some kind of clue as to Sloan's status.

"She helped Jack with the Cerberus training facility, and even Jacob with his father," Joker contributed, and Kaidan's brow creased as he looked to the pilot. Joker's eyes were hidden beneath the brim of his hat as he sat hunched forward. Worry on his shoulders like a boulder. "She didn't even like Jacob, but she still did what she needed to make sure his head was clear before we went through the relay." Kaidan watched as Joker folded his arms over his chest and leaned back, his head still down.

"She always looked out for us." It was Tali speaking now, and Kaidan could barely hear her over the rushing of blood through his veins. His palms were slick with sweat against his mug of cold coffee. Rage bubbled in his gut and his leg bounced without his control. "She was–"

"Goddamn it!" Kaidan shouted, his hands slapped the table hard as he stood. His chair falling behind him. His outburst silencing Tali and bringing all of their attention to him. He picked up his chair and slammed it into the table. His coffee sloshing over the side and splattering, pooling around the mug. He stared at the puddle. It turned red and thick in his mind's eye, like the blood spilled from Shepard and congealing around her body. "Stop talking about her like she's dead! She's right there!" He pointed to the med-bay. "She's not dead!" He growled the words, and everyone had the decency to drop their gaze from him – everyone but Joker. The pilot stared at him, and he felt his hands – fisted at his sides – start to tremble. "She's not."

He turned on a heel and left them at the table. He took long, fast strides to the lounge. He needed a drink. He needed something harder than coffee. He needed something to settle his nerves and caffeine wasn't going to work. A frustrating voice in the back of his mind reminded him. Her heart had stopped. He wouldn't accept her death until Chakwas told him she was gone. He wouldn't accept her death until he held her lifeless body in his arms. He had made that mistake once and he wouldn't do it again.

He reached the lounge, and it was vacant. The lights dim and blissfully silent. He went to the bar and poured a healthy serving of some kind of batarian whiskey into a glass. He emptied it in one swallow before refilling it. He moved around the bar to the stools and left the bottle open next to him as he sat, resting his elbows on the bar and his head in his hands. He sighed and it shook on his exhale. The burning ball of unshed tears sat lodged in his throat as he forced the air around it. He took another drink of the whiskey. He refilled the glass and stared at the amber liquid.

He heard the door open behind him and wondered who was the unlucky sap that followed him. "Hey." It was Joker. Kaidan sighed, and said nothing. Joker retrieved his own glass before joining Kaidan. Kaidan was glad he didn't say anything. Joker took the seat next to him, reaching past him to retrieve the bottle and pour himself a drink. "I'm guessing I have some catching up to do." Joker took a long drink and sighed.

They let the silence linger another minute. Kaidan let one arm fall to rest on the table, opening himself up to Joker who glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Kaidan cleared his throat before taking another drink. "Chakwas hasn't given up." The pilot spoke quietly. "That has to mean something." Kaidan didn't respond. He knew if anyone could bring her back to him it was Chakwas. "Miranda's there, too, and she brought her back once already."

What if she doesn't want to come back?

Kaidan didn't voice the morbid thought. Instead, he looked to Joker and sighed. He emptied his glass again. "There was a lot of blood." Kaidan poured himself another drink and sat back, crossing his arms over his chest and saying nothing more. They sat in silence for a long time. Kaidan wasn't sure how much time went by, but he was grateful for his friend's silent companionship. He continued to drink as Joker slowed down. His biotic metabolism would keep him sober longer.

Kaidan could still hear her pained gasp. He could see the pain and terror on her face. He could hear the trembling rasp that was her voice before she lost consciousness. He swallowed more whiskey, hoping to choke down the unshed tears still scorching in his throat. He was so helpless, then and now. "I couldn't stop it." He hadn't meant to speak the words out loud, but there it was, and Joker looked to him. Kaidan met his eyes and forced the words out of his dry throat. "I couldn't stop Leng. I knew, I knew, something was off. I felt it the whole time we were there. I should have known he was there. I missed it. Then, I couldn't stop her bleeding. What kind of medic am I?"

Joker remained wonderfully silent. The pilot took another sip of his drink.

"I'm supposed to protect her," Kaidan spoke the words, and Joker laughed. The pilot threw his head back and laughed, loud and from his gut. Kaidan glared at him, his lips set in a firm, thin line.

"I'd like to be there when you tell Shepard that one, alright; promise me?" Joker asked around his laughter, shaking his head and taking another drink. An unexpected chuckle slipped from Kaidan, and self-hate settled in his core for laughing when Sloan was … whatever she was right now. Joker turned in his seat and stared at Kaidan. "How?" Joker asked. Kaidan stared at him. He wondered momentarily if it was the alcohol he drank that confused him. "How were you supposed to protect her? How were you supposed to know Leng was there?" Kaidan dropped his eyes. He didn't want Joker to make him feel better. He wanted to sit and sulk. He should have known Joker wouldn't let that happen. "Shepard didn't even know he was there, and if there is anyone who doesn't need protecting, it's Shepard."

He knew Joker was trying to make him feel better, but the only thing that would is knowing that Shepard was going to be okay. As every moment passed, Kaidan was less and less sure that would happen. He finished his drink; the empty glass hitting the bar a little harder than expected. "Thanks, Joker." Kaidan offered the sentiment, but they both knew it was empty. There was only one thing that would help, and it wasn't something Joker could give. He could, however, sit in silence with Kaidan, and – much to Kaidan's delight – that's what they did.

It wasn't a heavy silence. It was quite nice, actually. It was the first time in a long time that Kaidan felt like he was in the company of a friend when he was with Joker. Kaidan stood moving to a couch and stretching his feet in front of him. His hands folded on his midsection and his head resting on the back of the couch. He stared at the ceiling. "So," Kaidan started, "you and EDI, huh?"

"What?" Joker nearly spit out his drink, and Kaidan's lips pulled into a smile.

"You heard me," Kaidan answered simply closing his eyes. Sloan's face flashed before him. He opened his eyes and sat up.

"Is it … I don't know. I could break a bone just from some light over the clothes action," Joker exclaimed standing and moving to sit across from him.

Kaidan chuckled softly. "Can't she hear us?"

Joker shook his head. "No, I asked her for privacy in here before I followed you."

Kaidan nodded. "Thanks." Silence filled the space between them. ''I don't see anything… wrong with you and EDI. I mean, let's say you do nothing, and we all die tomorrow," Kaidan's voice was rough with emotion as he spoke of the possibility, of their mortality, ignoring the fact that Shepard was hanging on by a thread. "You wouldn't want any regrets, would you? There's always a risk. That doesn't mean it's not worth it."

"Says the man who broke all kinds of frat regs," Joker broke the tension and turned the focus of mortality to something lighter. Kaidan grinned, the ache growing in his chest at the time it was taking the doctors to work on Shepard.

"Kaidan?" EDI's voice rang out in the room. Kaidan looked to the ceiling as if he could see her. His heart at his feet. "I know Jeff asked me to leave you be, but I thought you'd like to know that Dr. Chakwas is requesting your presence." Kaidan couldn't move. EDI's inflection gave no indication as to whether or not Sloan was okay. Kaidan's wide eyes met Joker's. The pilot nodded to the door and Kaidan didn't think he'd ever moved so fast.

He thought he noticed the group still assembled in the mess as he reached the med-bay. He paused at the door, wiping his hands on his pants and taking a few deep breaths. The door opened and before he could cross the threshold, Dr. Chakwas stepped through with Lawson following. He glanced into the med-bay as the doors closed. He only saw Oriana. Dr. Chakwas placed her hand on his chest, and he looked down and met the doctor's guarded green eyes. His gaze flicked to Miranda and back.

"Kaidan, I need you to focus here for a moment, okay?" Chakwas asked, slowly and calmly and Kaidan nodded turning his attention back to her. "Sloan's heart stopped and she lost too much blood. Her organs began to shut down. There was nothing, medically, I could do for her," Chakwas informed him, and Kaidan's head swam and he swayed on his feet. He felt confident hands grip his arms, steadying him. He dropped his head as tears filled his eyes.

"Major Alenko," Lawson's cool, accented voice broke through the fog of his shock and he lifted his head and met her eyes. "I was able to activate the VI and the programing used during Project Lazarus. Her heart had only stopped for a few seconds before the program was able to take over for her. We've give her blood transfusions from her own donated supply."

"Wait, I thought, Chakwas said…." Confusion won out, and Kaidan stepped away from Chakwas leaning against the bulkhead. "Dr. Chakwas, you said her organs were shutting down, that you couldn't do anything." Chakwas looked to Miranda. "Not medically, but scientifically, I may have been able to save her."

"Tell me again." He needed to understand what had been done to keep her here with him.

"When we resurrected her, we used a VI and nanite technology to repair organs and control system functions. Once she was strong enough to survive without them, we turned off the programming. However, we were unable to remove the technology because muscle and tissue had grown over them. It would have caused more damage to remove it than it would to leave it. When her body gave out, I was able to activate the VI and the programming. This gave us time to transfuse the blood supply and save her vital organs. I believe she will be fine, the question is whether or not there was any brain damage in the time between her heart stopping and the VI starting. We will know more if she wakes up." Miranda explained the science. All Kaidan heard was that she was okay.

"Wait, if?" he asked, his gaze bouncing between scientist and doctor.

"When she wakes up," Miranda corrected. "So long as there has been no damage to the VI since the closing of Lazarus, I believe she will be okay, but I can't promise anything until she's awake." Kaidan nodded.

"Can I see her?" he asked, his voice hoarse as he spoke through the relief. He still had the nagging concern that she wouldn't be okay, but for now, her heart was beating and she was breathing. He would take whatever he could get. Chakwas nodded and they stepped out of his way. The door sighed open and he crossed the threshold. His eyes landed briefly on Oriana again, before bouncing over to Sloan.

A quiet sob slipped from his throat as tears filled his eyes. He took small slow steps to her bedside. He stared down at her face. She looked so small, fragile. Tubes ran under blankets, and down her throat. She was hooked up to machines, some he was familiar with, others he didn't understand. Sensors stuck to her temples and forehead, more on her chest. Her chocolate mane was matted to the top of her head, and tangled beneath her. Her soft, round face which usually held such emotion, was still and cold. Her skin, cheeks he loved to watch turn pink, were pale, ashen. Her lips, usually soft and strawberry red, were chapped and broken around the tubes running down her throat.

He didn't realize he'd actually started crying until the tears hit his chest, soaking into his BDUs. He turned his watery stare to the heart monitor and watched it track the rhythm of her heartbeat. He watched it swim before him, counting the beats and the seconds between. He glanced around quickly finding a chair; he pulled it to her bedside. He sat, taking her hand in his and bringing it to his lips. He pressed kisses to her fingers and her palm, placing her hand against his cheek.

He closed his eyes, taking slow deep breaths. He listened to the gentle beeping of the monitors as it played his favorite song. He wrapped his hands around hers, his fingers resting over the pulse point in her wrist. He focused on her heartbeat. He clung to that; as long as her heart was beating she was alive. As long as her heart was beating there was a chance.

Miranda had said there wasn't much time between her heart stopping and the VI being activated. The problem was the blood loss. If she didn't have enough blood to circulate to the muscles and organs, it didn't matter that her heart was beating. There would still be damage. He forced the negative thoughts from his mind. He chose to be positive. He chose to believe she would wake up and be fine. He leaned forward, his lips at her ear. He whispered, "Sloan, I love you. Please, stay here with me." He pressed his forehead to her temple, closing his eyes and hoping she would choose him over the darkness.

Hoping she loved him enough to come back to hell.