Author's Note: Thank you so much to those who have added The Reason to their favorite or follow lists. An extra thank you to those who left a review on the last chapter: biotictrash, BioticKitty, Vorcha Girl, MizDirected, Jules Hawk, Analya-Shepard, Kirabaros, Kirsah, Kallie6891, Zacharti, HeroInTraining, ela11, and the guest. Your words mean more than I can say.
With no further delay ... Enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Eighty-Four
He had hoped she'd be awake by the time they reached the Citadel. Lawson and Chakwas had both told him not to expect that, or anything at this point. Still, so much time had gone by since her injury he had expected more improvement. They had to get her from the Normandy's docking bay to the hospital. The last thing Kaidan wanted was press at the bay taking pictures of Shepard the way she was. Hooked up to machines, pale and ashen, looking like death. Not only did it break his heart, and he never wanted her to see it, but the images would be detrimental to the war effort.
He hated that the war effort was even a factor.
Dr. Chakwas reached out to Dr. Michel as they entered the Widow system. She had offered to send an ambulance to the Normandy to pick Shepard up, but it was decided that would bring too much attention. It took them a while to come up with a plan, but in the end Cortez would take Shepard, Chakwas, and Lawson to Huerta in the shuttle. He would take them to a back entrance where Michel would meet them. They would have to be fast. The Normandy docking at the Citadel would bring attention, and the media would be at the docking bay within minutes.
Kaidan's hand was wrapped around Shepard's while he read over reports from EDI. It seemed as if EDI had located some of Kaidan's students. He only wished that good news wasn't overpowered by his worry for Sloan. His attention was caught again but he monitors beeping over her head. He let out a sigh and moved closer to her bed. His eyes trailed over her face. "We're almost to the Citadel. We'll get you to Huerta," he paused, closing down his 'tool. He heard the door sigh open behind him. The click of Lawson's heels bounced off the walls and grated on his nerves.
He reminded himself it was because of the ex-Cerberus agent that Sloan even had a chance. Again. He glanced up at her as she stopped across from him. She opened her 'tool and ran scans over Sloan. "Any changes?" he asked softly, his voice quiet and heavy with nerves.
"Continuous improvement," Lawson answered, her tone cool. "It's similar to the end of Lazarus. I'm seeing a lot of the same readings. My concern is whether or the organs will continue to work independent of the VI."
"When will we know?" Kaidan's gaze moved back to Sloan's face. Her lips were dry and cracked around the breathing tube.
"Once we get to Huerta, I'll be able to run better tests to determine the viability of the repairs," she explained, and Kaidan nodded as the door to the bay opened behind him. It was time to go. Kaidan was ushered away from her bedside, reluctantly releasing her hand. Everything happened fast after that. Machines were moved, somehow made portable. They covered her in a sheet, and moved her to a gurney. A rush of voices, movement, noise, a med bay filled with people for just a few minutes.
As quickly as they had come, they left. The med bay was suddenly still. The silence choked him as he looked around at the empty cords, lying unplugged on the floor. His hands fisted at his sides. He had to take care of the docking protocol. He had to alert the station and Command. He cleared his throat, closing his eyes briefly and taking a deep breath. He would take care of the business of the day. He would shower and change and get to Huerta to check in with Chakwas and Lawson.
He could be back at her side in two hours.
It amazed him how quickly the ship could be emptied. As it was, by the time he left the med bay to head to the Bridge most of the crew had vacated. He didn't blame them. They had to wait for orders, which would depend on Shepard's prognosis. He was standing behind Joker moments later and the pilot looked up at him.
"They want to put her into dry-dock for repairs. I told them they had to wait until we got confirmation of leave from the Commander. They accepted that for now, but I don't know how long they'll wait." The pilot was in the process of shutting down the ship.
"Thanks, Joker. A decision will be made by morning," Kaidan offered and Joker nodded as he stood carefully.
"Keep us posted, alright?" he asked as he met Kaidan's gaze. Kaidan knew he shouldn't be surprised by the worry in Joker's eyes. Kaidan agreed stepping back to allow Joker to reach the airlock. "You heading to Huerta now?"
"I'm going to grab a quick shower and a change of clothes first." They said their goodbyes, and Kaidan turned on a heel to head to the elevator and their cabin. He crossed the threshold into their shared space and was slapped by her smell and the harsh reality of her absence. He swallowed hard and ducked into the shower. As the water washed over him, he allowed himself a self-indulgent moment to feel the fear, to try to accept the fact that she may not return. It was a real possibility that had lingered at the back of his mind since the Reapers hit Earth, but it was something he never really allowed himself to consider. Now that he was faced with having to continue alone, he wasn't sure he could. His chest constricted and his breath stopped on his exhale as tears filled with his eyes.
In the safety of their shared space, he could strip himself of Major status. It was what they promised this space would be. Sanctuary. A place for Kaidan and for Sloan, not for Major Alenko or Commander Shepard, not for the only human spectres. While the Major, the Spectre, could compartmentalize and continue on, Kaidan didn't think he could; he knew he couldn't, not without Sloan. Not again. His tears spilled over, mixing with the hot water of his shower. His body shook with his sobs, and his terror. He nearly buckled under the weight of his responsibility.
He forced his emotions back under control, shutting them away deep inside. She would be disappointed in him. She would hate his weakness. He took a few deep breaths, calming himself. He told himself she would be fine. Lawson had brought her back once; she could do it again. He washed quickly, surprised that her blood still stained his knees. Was this his first shower since her attack?
He finished and dressed with military efficiency, abandoning their cabin and the Normandy as quickly as possible. When he stepped off the ship, he stood taller, broader. He made himself take up more space, made himself look as commanding as he needed to feel. Reporters raced to him, shouting questions about the unscheduled return to the Citadel and where was Commander Shepard? No one had seen her leave the Normandy. Thank god. He quickened his steps to evade them. They reached him just as he climbed into a sky car.
He ordered the driver to Huerta. He wasn't sure if he was grateful or annoyed by how quickly he reached the hospital. He wanted to be at her side, but he feared the conversation he was going to have with Lawson. He quickly paid the drive and made his way inside. He passed reception and moved right to the patient area. He spotted Drs. Chakwas and Michel speaking with Lawson in a corner. Dr. Chakwas noticed and waved him over.
"Major Alenko," Lawson greeted with a nod.
"How is she?" he asked quickly, his gaze bouncing between the three women.
"Stable," Dr. Michel answered. "I have to admit I am amazed by the science at work here." Kaidan watched Dr. Michel's gaze flicker to Lawson. He didn't know if she knew of Lawson's previous Cerberus affiliation, but he could definitely sense a feeling of caution between the women. "I believe Ms. Lawson is correct and we need to allow time for the VI and the nanites to continue working to repair the damage from the attack, and the blood loss, but I believe she will recover. It's just a matter of time now." Kaidan's chest burned until he exhaled, not realizing he'd been holding his breath. "You can go see her, but she's still unconscious." Kaidan nodded, looking the way Dr. Michel had gestured. He thanked the women and turned on his heel to take up his vigil.
He entered the room and was met with the familiar beeping of machines and the harsh scent of antiseptic. His eyes moved over her and he didn't know if he was imagining it but she seemed to look better. Someone had bathed her and brushed out her hair. Some of her color had returned to her cheeks and her lips looked softer. He pulled a chair up to her bed. He reached out and let the back of his fingers gently run along her cheek. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He sat, and took her hand in his. He lifted it, holding it and resting his head against their hands. His fingers found their spot over her pulse point and he counted.
He wasn't sure how much time had gone by as he kept his spot at her side. He knew the Council would have been notified of their arrival on the station and he was expecting them to contact him. When his omni'tool sounded, he started, cursing quietly he set her hand down and opened the message. He hadn't expected Hackett to contact him. He read over the message and felt an unfamiliar sense of rage and annoyance bubbling in his core.
All he wanted to do was end this goddamn war. He wanted to be done. He wanted to finish the Crucible and fire it and see what happens. If nothing else, he wanted to take the woman before him and the Normandy and fly off to a dark corner of the universe and hide. He read over the message again. Maybe it was the tone of the message, the fact that it was an order. Sure, Hackett had every right to order them to do something, but fuck, it seemed like as soon as they had a plan someone – Hackett, Anderson, or a group of people they were looking to for help – would demand their attention diverted to something else. He sent a message to James to meet him here and closed his 'tool.
He looked to Shepard, taking her hand again. "Absconding with the Normandy and living like pirates is looking better and better every day, Sloan."
It didn't take James long to reach Huerta. Kaidan heard the door open and the large man's footsteps behind him. He set Sloan's hand down and turned toward the marine. "Major?" James greeted with a salute that Kaidan waved off. "What can I do for you?"
"Hackett sent me a message requesting we seek out a Dr. Garret Bryson. I'd like you to take Liara and Garrus and meet with him at his lab," Kaidan opened his 'tool and forwarded the message. "I'm not sure what this information is, but I'm putting this in your hands, Lieutenant. Report back to me when you know something."
"Yes, Sir," James nodded, standing straighter and his chest wide with pride. Kaidan watched James's gaze flick to Sloan and his shoulders fell slightly. "How is she?" James wet his lips and turned back to Kaidan.
"On the mend; the docs believe she'll recover. It's just a matter of time," Kaidan offered, his eyes narrowed. "Feel free to share that with the Garrus and Liara, and they'll know who to tell, but aside from that it doesn't leave this room. I don't want word of her injury leaking and causing a fuss." James nodded. "That'll be all." James, recognizing the dismissal, turned on a heel. "Vega?" Kaidan called out before he reached the door. James turned. "Thank you." He nodded, his gaze moving between Kaidan and Shepard before he left.
Kaidan knew Hackett was expecting either himself or Sloan to follow up on the lead. He had to admit, there was no reason he couldn't go – no reason other than he wanted to be here when she woke up. James was a competent soldier and he trusted him, and knew Sloan did, too. He knew James could handle meeting with Bryson. He sent Liara with because of her information connections and knowledge of ancient history. He sent Garrus as additional authority should James need it. Right now, all Kaidan wanted to think about, was the blue of Sloan's eyes and how long it would be before he could see it again.
A nurse came by after a while. She checked Sloan's vitals, and Kaidan watched for any kind of reaction to the numbers. Once she marked them on her 'tool, she looked to Kaidan. "You've been here all day; have you eaten?" Her voice was soft, kind. Maybe even a little familiar. He shook his head. "If I bring you something, will you eat it?" She placed her hands on her hips, her weight shifting to one leg and Kaidan gave her a grateful smile and nodded.
She left then, with a promise to return and Kaidan leaned back in his chair, the time already passed sneaking up on him and tugging at his senses. He yawned, kicking his feet out in front of him, and lacing his fingers with hers on the bed. His 'tool sounded and he jumped slightly. Momentarily disoriented, his eyes flew to the monitors, then to Sloan's still peaceful face. He sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face, digging his fingers into his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up. He stretched his neck from side to side, enjoying the pops and the release of tension. He wasn't sure how much time had passed as he dozed. He rubbed the back of his neck as he noticed the cooled tray of food the nurse had brought him. He reached and opened the juice as the door to Sloan's room opened behind him.
"Major Alenko." James's low voice broke the near silence and Kaidan turned and looked at him.
"Vega?" It took a minute for Kaidan to remember Hackett's message and the mission he'd sent James on. "What happened with Bryson?" Kaidan watched Garrus and Liara move to flank him as the trio stood before him. James was effervescent, rocking on his heels with his hands clasped behind his back; they must have found something.
"Well, not what we expected. Dr. Bryson believed he had found a race that predates the Reapers: Leviathan. He believed them to be reaper killers, an apex predator. Apparently, his colleague Dr. Garneau has more information," James started and Kaidan held up a hand.
"Who's Garneau? What happened to Bryson?" Kaidan took a long drink of juice as he eyed the stale sandwich left for him.
"Dr. Bryson's assistant was … indoctrinated," James paused when Kaidan's jaw dropped, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. "There was an artifact in the office, believed to be from Leviathan, and Dr. Bryson was killed by his assistant." Kaidan was sure there was a migraine in his near future. He pinched the bridge of his nose as James continued. "We have the information from Bryson, and before he was killed he said we would need the information from Garneau."
"Where's his assistant?" Kaidan asked, his gaze moving between James and Garrus.
"In custody," Garrus' flanging voice answered easily and Kaidan nodded.
"We've managed to track down Garneau's location," Liara added, and Kaidan looked to her as she opened her 'tool and pulled up a map of the galaxy. "He's in a cluster within the Caleston Rift." Kaidan's sigh seemed to come from his toes. He turned and looked at Sloan.
"Even at FTL that's a day's travel," Kaidan acknowledged. He hated feeling this conflicted. He knew he needed to go, but he wanted to stay here. He was always there when she woke up in the hospital. He didn't want this to be any different. He knew, though, that the mission had to come first, and he knew she would understand that. It didn't make it any easier. He stood, "Alright, let's go."
James cleared his throat and Kaidan turned towards the younger man. "Something on your mind Lieutenant?"
"Permission to speak freely?" James's question was answered with a simple nod as Kaidan leaned and rested his behind on the edge of Sloan's bed. His arms crossed over his chest. "I would like to request your permission to lead the mission to retrieve Garneau." Kaidan cocked an eyebrow at him and James sighed. "Listen, Viejo, we all know you'd rather be here, and there's really no reason for you to have to come with. I've lead teams before; this is a simple retrieval. We'll be there and back in two days, like you said."
Kaidan looked to Garrus and Liara. He knew this was a team trusted by himself, and Sloan. They were right. It was a simple mission. Once Garneau learned of Bryson's demise, Kaidan was sure he'd come back to the Citadel with no reservations. Why did he have this sense of dread in his core? He knew James was competent. He knew he was worthy of trust. He knew the man had proven himself. Even if he hadn't, he had Garrus, Liara, and the rest of the Normandy crew at his back if he needed it. There was no reason not to let him go.
"Vega's right, Kaidan," Garrus offered. The turian's eyes moving back to Kaidan from Sloan. "Besides, Liara and I will go with him, keep him in check." Kaidan looked to Liara who nodded simply.
"Stay here with, Lola. She needs you here more than we need you to get Garneau," James added, and it was that statement that decided it for Kaidan.
He simply nodded. "Very well. I'll submit the orders. I want you gone within the hour. I want to be notified immediately of any complications. Am I clear?"
"Crystal. I won't let you down," James promise held a sincerity that was usually lacking from his interactions. James liked to keep the mood light. He teased and flirted, but all of that was gone from him now. As he watched them leave, he knew he had left the Normandy and the mission in capable hands. He opened his 'tool as he sat and sent the orders. Once it was done, he picked up the hours old sandwich and took a bite. He glanced at the monitors, then at Sloan's face before kicking his feet out again and resting his head back against the chair, finishing his sandwich in just a few bites.
He ignored the trickle of unease as it slid down his spine.
Sloan would wake soon. The Normandy would be back in two days. Everything would be fine.