Author's Note: Yes, I'm still here and still writing. I said it before, I'll say it again, I will finish this fic. I deeply apologize for the extended wait, and I cannot say how much it means to me that you're still interested in how this ends. We're getting there; we're so close now.
To those who left a review on the last chapter, THANK YOU! Kynlei, Kirabaros, mirxu, Jules Hawk, Alley McNally, Vorcha Girl, AbjectThread, and HeroInTraining. Your words truly keep me going. I will finish this... for myself, and for Kaidan and for Sloan, but it's nice to know you're there looking forward to seeing the end, too. So, thank you!
With no more from me... enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Ninety-Four
Kaidan watched Javik as he studied the information projected over the war table. Liara standing at Javik's side, staring ahead. Her eyes fixed on the image, wide and unblinking. Kaidan couldn't shake the feeling that he'd woken from a strange dream. The odds that he'd end up with exactly what they needed, in the moment they needed it – it didn't feel real. He pinched himself and winced; it wasn't a dream.
"We had heard of Ilos, and there had been rumors of what was happening there, but I never made it to the planet," Javik spoke almost absentmindedly. Silence hung heavy in the room as they waited for more information from the Prothean. Kaidan swallowed hard as he considered the ancient alien at the center of everyone's attention. "The Reapers have moved the Citadel, haven't they, Commander?" Javik's yellow eyes landed on Shepard, who continued to stand stone still.
"Yes," she answered after a heartbeat. It was clear she didn't know how Javik knew; that detail hadn't been shared with the crew.
"According to these plans, the Crucible, as you call it, works in tandem with the Mass Relay at the center of the Citadel. It uses the relay to connect to the others, much as the Reapers themselves did to invade, to send out the energy that – if it works – would destroy all Reaper technology."
"Destroy?" Shepard asked, her arms folding around herself as Kaidan attempted to calculate the amount of energy needed to accomplish that goal.
"Destroy, yes. It seems the Citadel works as part of the Reaper's harvesting. It is more than just their doorway from dark space. It is an integral part of their process. According to this, the Crucible takes advantage of that, and will wipe out anything with Reaper technology. Anything infused with Reaper technology would be rendered useless. Yet, it will not stop with the Reaper technology. To be thorough, it will decimate any artificial intelligence," Javik confirmed. An ache creeped up the back of Kaidan's head.
"So, it is a weapon?" Liara spoke softly, her arms moving to her midsection. He confirmed again, this time with a silent nod. "But it is not just for artificial intelligence and the Reapers, anything with their technology… the relays, the Normandy, EDI—"
"Me," Shepard croaked the word, and Kaidan's heart nearly leapt out his mouth when her eyes landed on his. Silence descended on the room, thundering in Kaidan's ears. With every second of quiet, Kaidan's chest grew tight, rage rose, burning, in his throat.
He coughed before speaking. "What kind of energy?" He took a step closer to her, his heart lurching when she stepped away maintaining the distance between them.
"It is, in its truest essence, a bomb. Once the Crucible docks with the Citadel, the panel on the Crucible will become accessible. There must be someone on the station to activate it – I have to insist that it be someone who can read Prothean – and then, an explosion centered at the connection between the Crucible and the Citadel, that will reverberate through the relays. A magnetic pulse, whose power grows with the destruction of each of the relays, the Reapers, and their technology as it spreads over the systems through the relays' connections until there is nothing left but Organic life."
"Nothing left but organic life," Shepard repeated as she glanced down at the bandage covering her hand. "So, I'll go. To activate it, that is. It's going to kill me, anyway, and this will allow you, Javik, to live in a universe free from the Reaper threat."
"You're not going alone," Kaidan finally spoke, the words like acid in his throat. She met his eyes and he watched hers soften, hew brows knitted together. She knew, understood, and accepted that while she would be sacrificing her life to end this war, to save everyone, he would be at her side – until the very end. If she made him pull rank, he would. He'd done it before, so he wasn't afraid to do it again.
"I have to agree, Commander, you should have someone with you. To watch your six, as you say," Javik agreed, and Kaidan felt an itch at the back of his neck as the Prothean held Shepard's eye contact a heartbeat longer than he liked.
His suspicion broke when she slid her hand into his. "Okay, gather the team. We need to fill them in and finalize our plans. Get Hackett on the comm for; I'll tell him what's going on. Traynor can get a message to Anderson. Tell him we're bringing the cavalry."
Once they started working, hours passed in the blink of an eye. They had a plan, they had a chance, and it was time to take action. Once the work was done, time seemed to slow to a standstill. With nothing to occupy his mind, he just continued to check the time and it never seemed to move. Kaidan hated moments like this. The overwhelming sense of hurry up and wait made his skin crawl. They finished what preparation they could, but they still had to get to Earth. There was no way to get them there any faster. Kaidan scrubbed his hands over his eyes, tearing them away from the plans before him in the process. When he considered all of it, it was still disorienting. The odds of having the info they needed. The odds stacked against them winning. All of it, it was … too much.
He sighed, scrubbing the back of his neck, before checking the time, again. It was late, but they still had a long way to go. How long had it been since he'd seen Shepard? She'd disappeared with Javik over an hour ago. He sighed, going over the numbers again. He didn't want to go to their quarters without her. His omni'tool pinged. Shepard had sent a ship-wide alert. Their ETA to the Sol System was twelve hours, which they would spend on Liberty. EDI would handle navigation and the essential functions so the organic crew could take the time off. The QEC was open for those who wanted to make calls to loved ones. They could do whatever they wanted with this time, to prepare. If she hadn't thought to extend the Liberty time, he would have suggested it.
"EDI?" Kaidan asked as he turned to walk towards the elevator.
"Yes, Kaidan?" Her response sounded distracted, somber even. He realized she'd just received the same news he and Shepard had – that their time was limited.
"How are you?" he asked, nodding at Campbell and Westmoreland as he continued through security. They saluted him and the doors sighed open. There was a quiet buzz in the air, a tension that made the hairs on his arm stand straight.
"I am … still processing this information. I admit, I never considered the reality of my own … mortality. I am not sure how to live with the knowledge that I will soon cease to exist," EDI had never sounded more human. An ache creeped up the back of Kaidan's head as he absorbed the news.
"Is there a way to back up your files? You started out as a VI; is there a way to protect that form of you and maybe … I'm not sure. I never really studied artificial intelligence," Kaidan admitted as he waited at the elevator. It was illegal; perhaps he should have started disregarding the regulations earlier in his life.
"Actually, EDI, I have an idea. Will you meet me at the AI Core?" Traynor's softly accented voice broke into their conversation. EDI agreed, and Kaidan wished them luck as he stepped onto the elevator and pressed the call button for the crew's quarters. He wanted to grab some food from the mess, to make sure Shepard had eaten. He doubted she did, come to think of it, he hadn't. He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. It sucked there was no way to back up his own life, or Shepard's. At least, this time, he wouldn't have to survive the loss of her. At least, this time, they had a warning; they had the time to say goodbye.
He choked on a breath and braced himself with a hand on the wall as darkness clouded his vision. He coughed, his eyes squeezed shut as he forced himself to take slow, deep breaths. He refused to let an anxiety attack steal this night from him and Sloan. Slowly, terror's grip eased and the air flowed easier to his lungs. As he calmed, the doors opened, and he stretched his neck from side to side as he walked towards the mess. He spotted Liara and James sitting close, her hands in his, and a smile tugged at his lips.
There would be life after this. Something made him absolutely sure of it.
The door to the battery was open, and he spotted Garrus' silhouette as he tinkered with the controls. That damn turian, always calibrating something. He turned on his heel and made his way towards his friend. Reaching the battery, he stepped in and leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting to be noticed. When moments passed with no reaction from Garrus, he cleared his throat.
"Spirits, Kaidan," Garrus exhaled, "you're lucky I didn't have my gear, or you'd have had an omni'blade against that really soft skin of your neck right now."
"I'm faster than I look," Kaidan answered, pushing away from the wall and standing next to him, looking at the panel in front of them. A comfortable silence fell over them as Kaidan watched Garrus tinker. He wasn't sure how much time ticked by before Garrus spoke.
"How are you holding up?" Garrus' sub-vocals were high, he was concerned, and that warmed Kaidan. If you had told him a year ago, that he'd be standing on the Normandy with having a friendly conversation with Garrus while waiting to spend the night with Sloan, he would have laughed you right into the looney bin.
"Are you kidding?" Kaidan exclaimed with a false sense of excitement. "I get to spend the rest of my life with Shepard. It's all I've ever wanted." The turian's voice rumbled with a somber chuckle before silence filled the room again. "You turians are a confusing species." Kaidan spoke again, knocking his shoulder into his friend.
"What do you mean?" Garrus asked, turning towards Kaidan, mandibles twitching slightly.
Kaidan's gaze narrowed as he thought back to another life trying to remember Garrus' exact words. A grin broke over his lips when he did, "We're heading off to a war-ravaged planet, chasing a psychotic terrorist, where we're going to set off an ancient bomb that could very well wipe out the galaxy…" Kaidan paused for effect, and Garrus' mandibles twitched, "and your female is…. Where is Tali?"
If Kaidan had to guess, he would have said that the quick stuttering response he received was the turian equivalent of embarrassment. Garrus coughed, dropping his eyes for a moment, "Tali is in with Chakwas." He met Kaidan's eyes again, mandibles flaring. "Antibiotics."
"Nice," Kaidan spoke on an exhaled chuckle before silence descended on the pair, and gooseflesh rose on Kaidan's arms. He'd always hated this part. He hated saying goodbye.
"It really has been an honor knowing you, Alenko," Garrus spoke quietly and without looking at Kaidan; he even went so far as to start tinkering with the panel again. Kaidan felt the heat of the blush creeping up his neck as emotion rose in his throat. "You're a brave soldier, a brilliant leader, and a good man. The galaxy will be a weaker place without you in it."
"Thank you, Garrus, for saying that. It's … this is not how I wanted this to end, I mean, I knew it was a possibility, but you never really think … you know?" Kaidan admitted, his voice thick as he spoke around the emotion lodged in the back of his throat. Garrus' talons gripped Kaidan's shoulder, and Kaidan sighed deeply as he let the silence linger, and his depression slip away. After a long moment, he spoke in a whisper. "Thank you for being there for her when I was too stupid to be there myself." Garrus just tightened his grip. His talons scratched Kaidan's uniform and it echoed loudly in his ear as it skipped over every individual thread in his shirt. He cleared his throat and pushed away from the console. Garrus released him, and he scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling the stubble scratch at his palms.
When was the last time he'd shaved? Did it even matter at this point? Shepard liked a little stubble, anyway. "Good night, Kaidan."
"Night, Garrus," he didn't look at him before he left the battery. He just went right towards the elevator. Right now, he just wanted Shepard in his arms, and his face buried in her neck. He wanted to hold her close and pretend he wasn't counting down the last hours of his life. He hoped she was already in their room. The elevator moved at it's typical pace, stretching each second as long as it could as it climbed the one level to their quarters.
Once the doors opened, he rushed forward with long sure strides. The doors sighed open at his approach and he startled Sloan as she exited the bathroom, fresh from a shower. He froze as his gaze moved over her. A towel was wrapped around her body and she'd been towel drying her hair. He watched the concern dance across her features as she reached for him. He stepped forward and slid his hand in hers. She smiled up at him; it was a slow, almost sad smile. "Hey," she whispered as she tugged him closer to her, dropping her hair towel and taking him in her arms.
He pulled her close, enveloping her in his arms, he held her against his chest. He inhaled, hard, through his nose. Taking in that intoxicating aroma and holding her impossibly closer. He had wanted so much for her, for them. He had wanted to give her everything she had desired. A home, a family, a future, and he'd failed. He pulled back and looked down into her eyes. "Don't," she whispered, moving one hand from his back to his face, smoothing out the worry creases in his brown and letting her fingers dance in the grey hair at his temples before slipping down his cheek and jaw. "This isn't your fault. This isn't your doing. It's how we win. It's how we do what we set out to do."
Slowly, like he was rising from beneath the water, his heartrate calmed, his anxiety eased. He was suddenly, really, truly bone achingly exhausted. He nodded. He knew she was right; it didn't mean he had to like it. "At least we're doing it together," he offered, locking his gaze on hers.
"Yeah," she whispered tearing her eyes from him. "Come on, take me to bed." He dropped his arms from around her and took her hands in his, leading her towards their bed. He didn't turn away from her, though; he didn't want to take his eyes off of her. He couldn't risk it. It felt like the moment he did she would disappear, like she had in so many of his nightmares. "EDI," she spoke quietly, but the AI answered anyway. "Lock the door, and Do Not Disturb for the next eleven hours."
"Yes, Shepard," the AI replied, her tone somber; the light on the door turned red. Shepard never turned on DND. She was always accessible, but not tonight. He let her hands slip from his as he toed off his boots. His belt buckle clanged as he opened it, letting his pants pool at his ankles. He sat on his side of the bed and kicked the pile away from him. He heard her towel hit the floor behind him. He pulled his shirt over his head and felt her climb onto the bed as it shifted beneath her weight.
He reached up to remove his amp and found her hands already there. His hands hit the bed beside him as he let her care for him. Chills danced down his spine and gooseflesh rose all over his body as she pulled the amp from its port and closed it. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his neck as she reached for the case with her free hand. Once she'd placed the amp case back on the table, he turned and found her, naked and sitting on her heels, looking at him. She offered him a smile and reached out and traced the side of his face with the tips of her fingers, like she was committing his features to memory. He caught her hand, turned his head, and kissed her palm. He laid back, and she followed.
She snuggled up close to him, tucking herself in against his side and resting her head on his chest. He pulled the blankets up over them and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He felt her sigh, but he said nothing. His hand traced patterns over the smooth skin of her back, enjoying the feel of it against his calloused fingers. She placed her hand over his heart on his chest. The lights were off in the cabin; the room was illuminated only by the fish tank. He stared at the stars racing by the ship as it navigated space towards Earth. Minutes ticked by slowly, inching them towards the finish line.
He felt more than heard her shuddering breath. He looked down and his breath caught when hesaw tears clinging to her long eyelashes. "Hey," he whispered the word, and she looked up at him and forced a shaky laugh through her trembling lips. He cupped her face, searching her eyes. "Don't—"
"I wanted so much more for us," the words slipped out on a whisper. "We wasted so much time, Kaidan, and I wanted so much … I want more," she looked away from him, her eyes dropping to her fingers running through the hair on his chest. "I just … it's not fair, but I think that or I say that and … fuck it feels so childish, so weak."
"It's not fair," he agreed, emotion burning hot and thick in his throat, threatening to steal his breath. Her eyes shot back up to his, and her face broke. She leaned in and kissed him. Her hand on his cheek. He loved her hands, and her kiss. He loved the feel of her lips pressed against his, the way her body fit against his. Her tongue flicked against his lips, and he parted them, deepening the kiss. She tried to move, to lie on top of him, but he rolled, pining her beneath him. She gasped into his kiss, and he briefly pulled back to meet her eyes.
Eyes glazed with desire, pupils blown wide, she lifted her leg and hooked it over his hip. He let his lips wander, dancing over her jaw, easing down her neck, nipping and sucking. No longer fearing leaving a mark. Let them see. What did it matter now? The last of his clothing was removed in haste. He slipped inside her and she called out, tears streaming down her temples and disappearing into her hair. His heart broke as he moved inside her. He dropped his head to her collar bone. Her nails broke the skin on his back and he reveled in the sweet mix of pain and pleasure.
It didn't take long for them to find their release. She kept her arms and legs around him, unwilling to let him go. He didn't mind; he didn't want to go anywhere, not ever. When she finally released him, he slipped from her and moved to lie next to her. She rolled with him, keeping her face near his. Their breath mingled sweetly between them. His eyes drank in the sight of her here in the dark, with just enough light to make out her features: the sparkle of her blue eyes and the glisten on her kiss swollen lips. Then, she was kissing him again. Slowly. Thoroughly.
They spent the night like that, limbs tangled with each other, and with the sheets. Their bodies moving together in a dance older than time. They spent the night chasing a release. The spent the night mourning the future they would never have by enjoying what they could: the feel of hands, lips, tongue, the heat and slickness of her as they joined over and over.
They cried, they laughed, they slept – eventually.
When morning came, Shepard woke with a start before the alarm. Kaidan stirred as she pulled out of his embrace. The loss of her warmth and softness acute enough to carve a hole in his chest. "Nightmare?" he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Yeah," she answered, looking down at him and offering him a weak smile, "but it's no worse than the reality of today." He scooted closer to her, wrapping a thick arm around her waist and she leaned back against his broad chest, sighing. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder.
"We're going together," he reminded her, and she nodded, "and we're taking them with us."
"Fuck yeah, we are," she said leaning down and kissing him, a gentle press of her lips against his. "The Reapers have no idea what's in store for them today." He smiled, running his free hand through her hair and kissing her again. She hummed as she pulled away. "Shower?" She offered, and he nodded. He watched her walk towards the bathroom. Skin illuminated by the fish tank, hips swaying with each step. He enjoyed the view before he followed her.
It was two hours later, and they stood on the Bridge as Joker docked with the Fifth Fleet. Hackett crossed through the decontamination chamber shortly after. He looked tired yet determined. He looked exactly the way Kaidan felt. He shook Shepard's hand first, a brief expression of sorrow flashing in his eyes before he turned to Kaidan.
"Your father would be proud, Major," Hackett offered, shaking his hand.
"Thank you, Sir. I sure hope so," he answered around the knot in his throat. He wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure if he would cry or vomit if he opened his mouth again. Hackett released his hand, and Kaidan fell into parade rest as Shepard took the lead and escorted them to the Conference room to finalize details.
Kaidan looked over his shoulder before following. Earth was in the distance, burning and scarred by the Reapers. He could barely remember what it looked like before the invasion. He sighed and fell into step behind Hackett.
It would all be over soon.