As usual text in italics is in the Old Tongue.
Chapter XLIV - How Could She Have Possibly Thought This Was A Good Idea?
She was Gearan, one of the Da'shain Aiel.
Yes! She was right, the True Dedicated must have come from them. Although it had been pretty obvious once they'd mentioned the Way of the Leaf. A man again too, for fuck's sake.
Almost all she was able to think about was how hungry she was. Yet here she was with four other Da'shain Aiel to rescue Colline and Maigran from their kidnappers. Their families had been ready to mourn the girls and move on, as they had done for so many others, but the five of them had decided that they'd try to save them.
She snuck into their camp with the others, but the men who'd taken the girls heard their clumsy attempts at moving quietly. They all tried to get the girls to come, but they were terrified, unable or unwilling to run, even as the men roused themselves.
This was wrong. Why was no one protecting them?
The men were going to kill them all! "Can you squeal boy, or do you people just run?"
In desperation Charlin threw himself at one of the men and Lewin took a spear and stabbed another of them through the gut. While they were distracted, she picked up a branch and smashed a third man round the head with it. He fell and she just kept hitting him until he stopped moving, leaving her staring wide eyed and panting over his corpse.
Some Dedicated to Peace left the Covenant, of course they did. It was a free world. Others joined it. This though, she'd never heard of anything like it happening. Not that she could judge. The Way of the Leaf was a beautiful philosophy, but how anyone could be expected to hold to it in those circumstances she didn't know. It only worked because they lived in a better time and had the protection of the aes sedai.
They collected what they could from the mens' encampment and took it back to the wagons. No swords though, swords went against the Way because their only purpose was killing. A spear had other purposes.
Did Dedicated not use swords? She wasn't sure. She didn't really like thinking about swords, maybe something she had in common with them.
They took the girls back too, but when the inevitable revelation of their actions came they were turned away from their people, rejected forever.
"What of the Covenant? There is no reason good enough to justify killing another human being! None!" The words echoed in her head as their families turned their backs on them.
She insisted to an uncaring world that she was still Aiel, veiling her face against the dust as the wind picked up.
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Taija was shaking as she emerged from the vision. She could still feel the pain of Gearan's loss, bouncing off and amplifying the pain of her own losses. Flashing light surrounded her, too bright to look at.
Did Torerin not find these Dedicated until later? If she'd been there maybe she could have saved more of them. Couldn't the visions have shown her instead? She might have known more about what was going on too.
The Dedicated to Peace felt like a treasured relic of her time, but no more than a relic. How could they have survived in anything other than utopia? Without the protection of the aes sedai?
How could anyone be so cruel as to reject their own child for doing what Gearan did? That felt worse than breaking any Covenant. Why did the War have to happen?
Taija's hands were trembling. She desperately wanted to stop, but she took another step forward.
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She was Jacquin. One of the Da'shain Aiel.
All of her life she had followed the Covenant, served the aes sedai, protecting their objects of the Power as well as she could.
Her clothes were rags as she sat in the dirt and wept. Yet another attack on the wagons. Treasures of the aes sedai thrown aside into the dirt. Da'shain Aiel killed where they stood if they tried to interfere. Her wife had been taken, on the end of a rope like an animal.
Her family had almost all been gone before that. Fever, starvation, murder, her brother had hanged himself when he'd found he could channel.
The taint?
If she'd tried to do anything to stop the attackers they'd just have killed her and the baby she was holding in your arms.
In the background Sulwin and Adan were arguing. Adan had lost almost everything too, but he insisted that they all went on, that they kept to the Covenant, kept their promises to the aes sedai.
Why? Nothing could be that important. No fucking ter'angreal were worth this! Who cared about promises to the aes sedai?!
Sulwin had had enough, he wanted to take his followers to find safety, to abandon the wagons. He wanted to abandon their promises to the aes sedai for easy safety and the fantasy of a song.
She didn't hesitate, she would keep to the Covenant, go on with Adan. Sulwin and his followers were no longer Aiel, for all their claims that they still followed the Way of the Leaf. She despised them for giving up on their duty to the aes sedai.
What kind of monomaniacal madness was this? How could anyone despise someone for giving up on objects in favour of people?
After they'd left she wept harder still, despairing at when this would all be over and the future her daughter faced.
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Taija's legs didn't want to support her. She was struggling to think amidst the whirling lights. What kind of monstrosity was this ter'angreal?
What had been so important that the Dedicated to Peace would go through this? Where were the aes sedai to protect them? It was a Covenant, not a suicide pact! Yes they served the aes sedai, but it went both ways, they should have had the protection of the aes sedai too!
If she'd been there she'd have died before allowing this to happen to those people. So would almost every other aes sedai she knew. Why hadn't Torerin been there? Taija knew she survived. Or someone? Anyone?
Had her own people fallen so far?!
As she got her breathing back under control Taija wondered what happened to Sulwin's group. It seemed like the Dedicated to Peace became the True Dedicated and the Dedicated she knew split off from them, but she didn't know of any other people in this time following the Way of the Leaf. Maybe they died out?
Taija forced herself to take another painful step forward.
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She was Bedein.
She was tired, exhausted even. She missed Tzora, now gone like every other one of the Great Cities. It had vanished in the fire of saidin, some people said it had been a huge beam of balefire. Other cities were under new seas or buried in rock. There was nothing left, nothing except the wagons.
What in the Light happened to Tzora? It was nowhere near the frontlines. What about the other cities? Was that the Breaking? She didn't want to think about it. Was this just going to get worse and worse?
Her mother Erola had been one of the Da'shain at Tzora… No, she couldn't even think about it. She'd been lucky to be elsewhere… Although now she wasn't sure how lucky she'd really been.
What had happened?!
Her group of Da'shain, vastly diminished in number, stumbled along beside the wagons laden with objects of the Power. So many were dead with no aes sedai to heal them. Injuries, starvation, everything. Occasionally they met other groups, haggard looking figures, barely surviving amidst the roiling, changing world. They always tried to help them, but how could they when they had nothing themselves?
Where were the aes sedai? How could they call themselves that and leave the Dedicated to Peace like this?! It was a Covenant not slavery!
The last time she'd seen an aes sedai it had been a woman. Thank the Light they hadn't encountered any men. Then again she'd seemed half mad herself.
She'd appeared from between some burnt out trees wearing the tattered remains of her formal black coat, looking like she hadn't changed it in months, a golden globe still visible on one collar. She'd healed those she could, then taken an angreal from the wagons and Traveled somewhere else all the time muttering about some man being on the move and how she needed to stop him.
She should have stayed. It was an obscenity!
They were all heading south now. They'd been going north in the hope of finding food, water and shelter. However, other groups had told her that the north was swarming with trollocs and myrddraal. The War was meant to be over! Yet there was no safety to be found anywhere. She kept to the Covenant, but how could she feel anything but despair?
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Tears were streaming down Taija's face, turning the kaleidoscope of lights around her into a blur. What sort of a hell was this? She could still feel the hunger, the despair deep inside her bones.
She'd recognised Lemiad Namere Ganagin from Bedein's memories too. She'd only been a hundred years older than Taija, but there she'd looked five hundred. Why hadn't she helped these people? Had she forgotten her duty, was she mad too? Taija felted a growing sense of horror at what the Dedicated to Peace seem to have put themselves through to help the aes sedai, despite being abandoned by them. She didn't even want to think about the aes sedai, her mind skittered over what they had done. What they had failed to do. It was horrible. It was shameful! She wasn't there, she couldn't have done anything, but she could still feel it in her bones. She claimed to be aes sedai, yet the aes sedai failed these people! What was the title even worth?
Also, what had happened to Tzora? To Bedein's mother?
Taija tried to make herself take a step forward, feeling sick to her stomach, but her feet refused to move. She really really didn't want to see any more, but she needed to move. She could feel growing, threatening pressure from the ter'angreal and eventually she stumbled forward.
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She was Erola.
She wore her cadin'sor like she had so many other days. The comfortable work clothes marking her out as one of the ten thousand Da'shain gathering outside the city.
Oh Light she was the one Bedein remembered. She didn't want to see this! She needed to make it stop!
She tried not to tremble as she looked ahead past the crowd of her fellows to see Jaric Mondoran come ambling over the brow of a hill. The man was a hero, had been a hero, one of Lews Therin Telamon's Companions, but now…
She knew he'd been heading for the city for a while, obliterating outlying villages with the Power as he did. It had taken time for the Da'shain to gather, but now they were all here. Ready to serve, for the last time.
Why didn't this fucking ter'angreal have an off switch. Were there no safety features? Who invented this monstrosity?!
She glanced over her shoulder, back towards Tzora, towards home. Cars and people were streaming away from the city, fleeing his approach. She knew that four aes sedai, all women, had tried to stop him earlier. Now they were dead.
Why would Jaric do that? What was wrong with him? Was this the madness? She didn't want to see this. She'd been to Tzora with Tel, another fucking thing to lay at his feet. Why had everything gone so wrong?
In front of her Valrim called out, desperation in his voice, "Jaric sedai, please! Listen to us, you need to remember! This isn't you. Let us help you!" She already knew it wouldn't work, but that didn't matter. They needed to try. They were Da'shain and they served the aes sedai, that was what they did. Even then, every second they delayed him was time for more people to escape from Tzora.
Jaric looked curiously at Valrim like a baby examining a new toy. A second later the man exploded. Her stomach clenched, she had to do this! The aes sedai had tried to stop him in their way and now it was her turn to try the Da'shain way.
No no no! Not Jaric! No!
She felt hands grasp hers. Padom to her left and Zeralle on her right. A huge ring of Da'shain forming around the hill.
She joined her voice with the others, singing a song of peace and memory. Begging Jaric to remember, to remember them, to remember the man he was.
The ground shook and she stifled a scream, before picking up the song again. Moving with the circle, dancing and singing. Feet stamping out the rhythm as voices rose above it. A flash of heat to her right. She had to keep going, he had to remember. She had to buy time for the people of Tzora.
The circle shrank as each Da'shain died, was killed by Jaric Mondoran. She wanted to run and hide, to weep as lifelong friends, family, were obliterated, but she kept on singing. Please Jaric, remember who you are!
Zeralle exploded, showering her with blood and viscera. She'd known her for thirty years, her children called her auntie. She stepped forward, blood-spattered hand finding another to close the circle. She needed to keep singing.
Her voice was hoarse, tears flowing down her cheeks, but she was still singing. There couldn't have been many of them left. Perhaps a hundred of what had once been ten thousand. Jaric Mondoran seemed to have slowed down with his killing, seeming to ponder for a while before each murder. There was no malice in his eyes, just a wondering stare like a child seeing the world for the first time.
Her feet moved rhythmically with the other Da'shain, voices singing out to him. If only she could get through to him. Please Jaric!
Those childlike eyes met her and the last thing she felt was a flash of heat.
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Taija fell to her knees and emptied her stomach onto the dusty ground. Her own tears flowing freely. Those emptily wondering eyes still imprinted in her vision.
She'd known Jaric well, he'd been a real sweetheart. A dry sense of humour combined with a razor sharp wit, but always with time to help people. He'd hated the War, hated fighting in it. He just wanted to be a historian, he was no killer, but he'd still done his duty as a powerful channeler.
He wouldn't have, couldn't have killed those people. But she'd been there. She'd seen them die around her, seen the madness in his eyes! Felt herself die!
Taija stayed, hands on the ground, panting for breath, not seeing anything other than that scene. She couldn't deal with this. She didn't want to see more. She couldn't see more. She should never have come here.
She should have been there. Maybe she could have helped him, or if she couldn't help him then maybe she could have stopped him. Others had tried and died, but she'd been sleeping the centuries away safely buried in a buried stasis box while her civilisation died above her. Everything she loved obliterated in War and madness. Her own failures compounding top of the rest of the aes sedai. She should have been there! Maybe she could have made a difference…
Taija stayed down, unwilling or unable to make herself get up. Yet the lights of the ter'angreal grew brighter and she felt an increasing pressure on her mind. This was dangerous, she needed to move.
Eventually she gave in, levering herself to her feet tears still flowing down her cheeks as she stood. Without thinking she wiped away the blood trickling from her nose and took another step forward.
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She was Felyena.
She was on her way back from the fields where she'd been singing with the Ogier and Nym. It had been a tiring day, but she had a warm feeling of contentment inside her. She'd been doing this for many years now, but she still loved it, looked forward to every day of work.
Because of her, the Da'shain Aiel and the Covenant, people would have enough to eat. The crops would grow strong despite the ongoing War. There had been fears of famine, with the shadowspawn spreading across the world and the disruption to logistics, people had gone hungry. However, here, now, she was helping make sure that didn't happen to more people.
She still remembered the times before the War, when she was only a child when there had been peace. No soldiers or shadowspawn. No Forsaken. No Dark Lord. It was hard for her to imagine now though.
As she walked back through the outskirts of Tzora to the inn she was staying in, she looked over the drab buildings, peeling paint, dirty glass. Things had been better when she was young, she did remember that. The town wouldn't have been allowed to fall into this condition.
A homeless child held out his hand for money and she had to turn him away with a heavy heart. The Da'shain were provided for by the aes sedai, but she had nothing to give.
A beggar? A child?! The first beggar Taija had ever seen was in Caemlyn. How far had her people fallen before the end of the War? Another failure.
She saw Erola talking to one of the soldiers, something she'd never normally do, but there was an excitement to her, she seemed to be practically vibrating. As the older woman saw her coming she spun away from him almost bouncing over to her.
She looked so happy. How much time had passed since the last vision? She didn't look any different. How much longer did she have?
"Have you heard?" She was practically gasping. "The War, it's over! We've won! No more killing!"
She was confused, "what do you mean the War's over?"
"The Dragon! He did it!"
She found a smile growing on her lips at the thought of Lews Therin Telamon, the great leader of the Light. Hope blossomed. Maybe there'd be no more soldiers, like she remembered. "What did he do?"
"He struck Shayol Ghul, him and the Companions. The Bore has been sealed! With most of the Forsaken behind it!"
She let out a little cry of joy, before grabbing Erola and dancing around briefly. Across Tzora bells were ringing and happy shouts were rising up.
After a moment she pulled away. "I need to find Guilin sedai, she'll want to return to the Hall of Servants as soon as she hears the news."
Erola smiled widely, "of course, go! But make sure you celebrate too. Peace! At last!"
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When she emerged back into the light the pulses running up the glass columns were so bright Taija could barely see, everything seemed to hurt.
Everything looked so run down. Hunger? Even in the worst days of the War the government made sure there was enough food that no one starved.
Who allowed a child to be begging on the streets? Had the government given up? Had the aes sedai? Could she even say her civilisation, with all its technology and power, was worth saving if it had allowed that?
Was that what Tel saw? Was that what pushed him tot he Shadow? Or did he cause it? She didn't want to know.
She must be getting to the end, this couldn't go on much longer. She couldn't take much more of it. Taija took a step forward, ignoring the blood under her nails.
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She was Alindra. Da'shain Aiel and servant of Nerran sedai.
It had been a hectic day for her, running errands for Nerran sedai, but he was a busy man right now and needed her support more than ever. He wasn't one of the top researchers, no Mierin or Beidomon whose names were known across the scientific community, but he still had a vital role monitoring things. Something about wave function amplitude, she didn't really understand. But that didn't matter, she was Da'shain Aiel and she served.
He'd been in charge of ensuring that the web drilling the Bore kept within certain safety parameters. Many people had blamed him for not terminating the experiment when things had started to go wrong, but that was unfair, he'd probably never had the chance.
She was hurrying through the streets of V'saine, hoping to get one last delivery done so that she'd be in time to congratulate Nerran sedai when the experiment was completed. The silver and gold domes of the Collam Daam loomed ahead of her, the Sharom floating serenely above them. Nerran sedai was somewhere in there, doing great work for the world.
Suddenly she stumbled, the ground seeming to ripple under her feet. Coming to a halt she looked around in confusion, was there an earthquake? Her eyes landed on the Sharom, its pure white form hanging there. Then a tiny chip of white flew off it, and another and another, only blackness underneath.
Seconds later black flames were exploding from it, the huge sphere breaking apart and coming crashing downwards as darkness swallowed the light all around it. Nerran sedai was in there!
He'd died instantly. Poor man.
She needed to get to him! She broke into a sprint, maybe she could save him!
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Taija came out of what must surely be the final vision wanting to throw up again. There it was, the moment it had all gone wrong. She was still feeling Alindra's raw emotion at seeing the Sharom falling from the sky.
She'd seen it replayed again and again over the years. Of course she'd known about Mierin and Beidomon's experiment, it was the most significant development in centuries. She'd been eagerly waiting for news and then she'd seen the messages, turned on the news and watched in terrified horror. It was a scene she'd had to rewatch too many times since and she'd hoped to never see it again. Yet here she was, having 'enjoyed' one more viewing of that cursed moment.
Taija had even done interviews with that footage playing in the background. Stifling her distaste for it and trying to explain what might have happened, defending her friend from criticism. How could Mierin have known what would happen? The whole scientific world had been excited for her and Beidomon's work. It wasn't like she'd been acting alone.
Of course now with hindsight Taija wondered how true that was. Had Mierin known? Could she have known? She didn't think so, but…
As it was, on that horrible day Taija had needed some time to process what had happened, but then once she'd overcome her shock the first thing she'd done was to call Mierin.
Taija had been friends with the older woman and she'd needed support, someone who understood what she'd been doing. She could see how lonely she was sometimes, especially since she'd broken up with Lews Therin. After a disaster like that she'd need friendship even more. Most people wouldn't understand.
Thankfully she'd answered Taija's call. "What is it Taija? I'm not in the mood!"
Of course she'd forgiven Mierin's shortness with her. She'd mostly been relieved that she wasn't visibly injured, although she'd been able to see that Mierin had been crying, her normally flawless face marked with red, puffy eyes. "Mierin! I'm so sorry, so so sorry. Are you at home?"
She'd scowled, "thank you." Taija had been able to tell she didn't mean that, but that was ok. "Yes I am at home, they told me to go home and not to go anywhere until the investigators contacted me."
"They sent you home, on your own? After that?!"
"Yes." Taija had been more than shocked. How cruel could they be?
"Ok ok, don't move!" She'd run to her kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge, reconsidered and then taken a second, along with a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer. Jogging back she'd been relieved to see Mierin hadn't hung up, although she'd looked increasingly annoyed. "Right, I'm coming through."
"What do you mean? No, wait!"
Ignoring her protest Taija had spun a gateway straight into her living room and stepped through. "I have wine. I have ice cream. You shouldn't be alone right now." She'd offered her an awkward smile, Mierin could be so prickly sometimes and she hadn't wanted to make her angry by overstepping. "You're just going to stew here by yourself and that's not good for you. We can sit in silence or we can talk, about what happened or about something completely different, I don't mind. However, we are going to drink the wine and eat the ice cream."
Having said her piece Taija had decisively plonked the bottles down on Mierin's living room table.
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Taija sighed as she remembered that day. Look how that had turned out with Mierin. Was she ever really her friend? Was Taija the idiot and Mierin had always been evil or had she been warped by what happened and the Shadow? She'd probably never know. It was one of so many topics she didn't like thinking about, especially after what Mierin did to her family. Was she doomed to have everyone she liked turn out to be a darkfriend? That or dead it seemed.
She was aching in various places and still feeling nauseous, but she couldn't stand there on the edge of the ter'angreal forever. Taija really wished she hadn't gone through it. She'd wanted to know about the Dedicated, but well… curiosity killed the cat. She knew she was going to be waking up with nightmares about the Breaking. Jaric's face at that last moment… She shuddered violently.
All she could do was try even harder to solve the problem of the taint. If she could do that then maybe everything would be alright. Maybe it would go a small way to making up for the failures of the aes sedai. The utter failure of her people. It was a big if.
Why did she feel like she was bruised all over? She could feel dried blood on her face and neck too, but she didn't do anything to cut herself. This was definitely the last time she set foot in an unfamiliar ter'angreal.
Tentatively Taija started walking. She just wanted to sit under the Chora Tree again, to close her eyes and pretend none of this had ever happened. She could be back in Jalanda staring at the sky with Tel, or in her lab fiddling with a tricky web. Perhaps admiring the towering spires of Paaran Disen. Not here. Not now. That was the key. That was what she needed.
Unfortunately, as she painfully made her way round back to the tree there was no peace to be found. Instead she saw Mat and Rand. It was strange that she hadn't seen them before, Rand must have been in the ter'angreal at the same time as her and if Mat wasn't in it then he should have been in the square. As she got closer to them she furiously rubbed her face with her sleeve, she didn't want it to be obvious she'd been crying. The blood she couldn't do much about.
Mat seemed to be feeling even worse than her, propping himself up with some kind of strange spear staff while Rand fussed over him. Taija could see an ugly red mark around his neck. How did he get that? He also seemed to be wearing something on a chain around his neck, although she couldn't quite see what.
Rand on the other hand looked perfectly fine. Annoying.