The Warriors: From Zero to Hero

Chapter 2

A baby boy was just born in Mount Olympus and was the son of Zeus and Hera but a certain god of the Underworld came to visit

How sentimental. a voice said

The camera moves to Hades fast after his voice is heard

You know, i haven't been this choked up since i got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh? Hades said

All of the gods look sternly at Hades

So, is this an audience or a mosaic? Hades said

Hade passes through the crowd of gods

Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. Hades said

As Hades is saying that he moves from one god to another until Zeus squeezes him in a hug

So Hades, you finally made it. Zeus said

I sure did. Hades said

How are things in the Underworld? Zeus said

Well, they're just fine, you know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do? Hades said

Interesting. Zeus said

Ah! There's the little sunspot, little smoochie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? Hades said

Hades weaves a sucker with a skeleton head out of thin mist

Here you go. Ya just... Hades said

Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger and after some fighting he gets away from the baby

Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke. Hades said

Come on, Hades, don't be such a stiff, join the celebration! Zeus said

Hey, love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me. Zeus. So...can't. Love to, but can't. Hades said

You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death. Zeus said

Zeus then realized he made a joke just now

Hah! Work yourself to death! Zeus said

Zeus Hera and all of the gods start laughing

Oh, I kill myself. Zeus said

If only, if only... Hades said

The scene changes back to the Muses

If there's one god who you don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. Calliope said

Cause he had an evil plan. Terpsichore said

The scene changes to a boat on the River Styx in which a skeleton is carrying Hades

(He ran the Underworld.)

(But thought the dead were dull and uncouth.)

Two souls lean up from the lake bed to grab Hades, who zaps them away and blows the smoke off his finger like a pistol

(He was as mean as ruthless.)

(And that's the gospel truth.)

A pair of skeletal gates open and Cerberus heads snarl and snap their jaws viciously

(He had a plan to shake things up.)

Hades throws them a piece of steak for the dogs to eat which the dogs fight over as the boat continues its journey down the river

(And that's the gospel truth!)

Soon Hades arrives at the dock with a staircase leading to his lair

Pain! Hades said

A short fat pink demon was running down the stairs

Coming, your most lugubriousness! Pain said

Pain trips bounces on the stairs and lands his butt on a sharp trident screaming

Panic! Hades said

A short thin blue demon was running down the stairs

Oh, I'm sorry. I can handle it! Panic said

Panic runs but he trips over Pain who just got free from the trident falls over and his horns get stuck in Pain's butt as Pain screams while Hades rolls his eyes disgustedly

Pain! Ow! Pain said

And Panic! Ow! Panic said

Reporting for duty! Pain and Panic both said

Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive. Hades said

Pain pulls his Panic's horns out of his rump

Oh! They're here! Panic said

Yeah! Pain said

WHAT?! The Fates are here, and YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! Hades said

We are worms! Worthless worms! Pain and Panic both said

Pain and Panic literally shape-shift into worms as they sob uncontrollably

Memo to me, memo to me: Maim you after my meeting. Hades said

The scene changes to a chamber with the Fates

Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight. Atropos said

Atropos cuts a thread with scissors and a woman's scream is heard

Incoming! Lachesis said

The Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000001 served"

Ladies! Hah! I am so sorry that i'm... Hades said

Late! the fates said

Yeah. Hades said

We knew you would be. Clotho said

We know everything. Lachesis said

They pass their only eye from one another as they speak the next three lines

Past. Clotho said

Present. Lachesis said

And future. Atropos said

Atropos whispers to Panic about something

Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. Atropos said

Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, i was at this party, and i lost track of... Hades said

We know! the fates said

Yeah. I know...you know. Hades said

Hades goes over to a map table depicting Greece with pawns of Zeus and the gods

So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has... Hades said

A bouncing baby brat. the fates said

We know! Clotho said

Hades angrily bursts into flames

I know! You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. Hades said

Good. the fates said

So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think? Hades said

Um... Lachesis said

Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. Clotho said

A spider lowers out of Clotho's nostril which she sniffs it back inside

Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Hades said

Yes? Lachesis said

Are you...did you cut your hair or something? You look fabulous. Hades said

(Giggles) Lachesis giggled

I mean, you look like a fate worse than death. Hades said

Lachesis giggles more until Clotho hits her on the head and the eye fell into the hands of Panic

Oh, gross! Panic said

Yech! It's blinkin'! Pain said

Pain kicks it into Hades' hand who pulls off a dust strand from the eye

Ladies, please, my fate... Hades said

Hades puts the eye to Lachesis' hand

Is in your lovely hands. Hades said

Oh? Lachesis said

Oh all right. Clotho said

The eye raises in the air showing pictures of the future

In 18 years precisely, the planets will align ever so nicely. Atropos said

Ay, verse. Oy. Hades said

The time to act will be at hand. Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. Atropos said

Mm-hmm, good, good. Hades said

Then, the once-proud Zeus will finally fall, and you, Hades, will rule all! Atropos said

Thrilled with the news Hades bursts into flames

Yes! Hades rules! Hades said

A word of caution to this tale. Atropos said

Excuse me? Hades said

Should Hercules fight, you will fail. Atropos said

The Fates then disappear while cackling as Hades angrily bursts into flames

WHAAAT?! Okay, fine, fine, i'm cool, i'm fine. Hades said

Suddenly a bell dings and the doors open to show Hades and his boys standing in front of a skeleton-decorated vault with a vial shown in the center

Pain? Panic? I got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god? Hades said

I do not...know! Pain said

You can't. Panic said

Why? Hades said

They're immortal? Panic said

Bingo! They're immortal. Hades said

Hades takes a vial with red liquid and the camera zooms at it filling the screen

So first you got to turn the little sunspot...mortal. Hades said

Uh oh it looks like Hades is going to use a dangerous vial to drain Baby Hercules of his godhood stay tuned

TO BE CONTINUED