A/N: For Barbara and Jo.
Oh, I'm scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothin'?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud
- The Story of Us / Speak Now Era
I'm unarmed
The waiting is a sadness
Fading into madness
Oh no, oh no
It won't stop
- Say Don't Go / 1989 Era
She'd stayed in the garage for little over an hour as she tried to wrap her mind around the revelation that had blindsided her. For weeks, maybe even months, she'd felt a growing connection to Tony. The sexual attraction had never surprised her. The man was in fantastic shape and he had those big, brown puppy dog eyes that could guilt her into agreeing to almost anything. More than once, she'd thought about what going to bed with him would've been like, but she certainly had never mentioned it to him.
She'd never considered that it could be verging from a physical attraction into something deeper than even friendshibp. It seemed like a moot point now that Michael was back and willing to try again with their marriage. She couldn't shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of her though, no matter how hard she tried. By the time Michael had returned with his things it was late and she'd been able to put off of making love with the tried and true excuse that she was too tired.
Once he'd gone to sleep, once she was sure he'd been out, she'd found herself staring at the ceiling again. Things were a mess and for the first time in her 34 years of life, she had no idea how she was supposed to fix it. Whatever she chose, there'd be a loss. She shifted awkwardly in bed, biting her lip as she glanced at the clock, then at the man next to her. His slow, deep snores had been a quiet comfort the night before. They'd been a return to the old and familiar life that she'd spent years cultivating. Tonight, they did nothing but annoy her. She slipped from bed and pulled her pink, chenille bathrobe on before stepping into her bunny slippers and silently padding out of the room. She shut the door behind her and snuck down the stairs.
Somehow she wasn't surprised to see the light on under the door. She debated heading to her study instead. He probably had so much on his mind and didn't want to be bothered, but she couldn't resist the magnetic pull to open the door. His head lifted as he saw the door move and their eyes locked as she stepped in and past him.
Silence had never been as loud as it was in the moments that followed as she pulled a ceramic mug from the cabinet then went to the kettle to fill it. She grinned to herself at the steam that appeared from the water as it rose in the mug. They'd become almost predictable in their nightly talks. It wasn't every night but at least twice a week that they found themselves alone like this. These were the moments where it had started. That much evident to her. She carried her mug to the table and set it down as she reached for the box of tea and pulled out a bag.
She set it into the mug, watching it sink and licked her lips. She wasn't sure what to say to him, and that had to be a first for them. She rubbed the back of her neck for a moment as she stared at the table, wanting to take a seat and being terrified to all at the same time. When the silence won out, she nodded to herself and reached for the mug. "Goodnight, Tony."
She'd just started to push the door open when she heard his low murmur. "You don't gotta go cause of me. This is your house. Well, yours and his."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to him. "Technically, it's mine. We agreed on that in the separation documents we filed with the court." She sighed. "Tony, I don't want us to be like this but I don't… I don't know what I'm supposed to say here." She moved to the counter, leaning back against it and set her mug to the side of her as she looked at him. "You don't want me to fight for you to stay and I don't want to see you go."
He nodded as he looked away from her. "Yeah, I know." Another pregnant silence filled the space. "We gotta tell the kids what's going on. I don't wanna spring it on Sam last minute." He toyed with the paper at the end of the string from his tea bag and continued on, "I gotta start looking for a job, another place to live."
"Well, you don't have to leave right away." She dipped her head, catching his eyes as she lifted her eyebrows. "I don't expect you to have any trouble. If Diane hears about you being available, Phoebe better watch out." She grinned as he chuckled. It was good to hear him laugh. It made all of it a little easier in some odd way. Her lips twitched into a wider grin as she imagined Wendy begging her to allow Tony to come work for her instead now. She'd have to tell her and Isabel about Michael being back anyway. Maybe they'd know someone who was looking for a live-in housekeeper. "I can ask around for you. You know, make sure you have some prospects that are decent and nearby."
"You want me nearby?"
"Of course, I want you to stay nearby." She took a step forward, pulled out a chair and sat opposite him. "Tony, Jonathan adores you and Sam. We all do. If we're going to keep in touch, I might as well see if I can make it easier for us all." She hesitated then reached out, covering his hand with hers and frowned. "Let me handle it, huh?"
He gave a nod and flashed her a half grin. "Yeah, okay."
The door to the kitchen opened swiftly and she pulled her hand back from him liked she'd been burned as Michael stumbled in, still groggy from sleep. "What the hell is going on? It's 2 AM."
She stood from the chair and picked up her mug of tea. "I came down to get something to drink. Come on, jungle man. Back to bed with you." She turned him around and pressed her hand on his back, guiding him back out the way he'd come then glanced over her shoulder at Tony. "Goodnight." She disappeared through the swinging door before he could reply and left him alone with his thoughts, exactly the way she'd found him.
And I hate to make this all about me
But who am I supposed to talk to?
What am I supposed to do
If there's no you?
- Soon You'll get Better / Lover Era
You told your family for a reason
You couldn't keep it in
- Champagne Problems / Evermore Era
She'd never dreaded breakfast the way she had that Saturday morning. The only silver lining was that Mona was gone and wouldn't be able to make things as awkward as she had the day before. She had a busy day ahead of her. She planned on calling the girls to see if they were available to meet for lunch, eager to share her news with them; but first, they would have to talk to the kids. Nothing could've prepared her for the tension that filled the air when she walked into the kitchen for breakfast. It felt like a standoff in the Old West with the two men staring daggers at each other. Her eyes ping ponged between them for a brief moment before she walked between them and began to fill a coffee mug. "Good morning, Tony." She turned and grinned at Michael. "Morning, honey." She headed to the table and took a seat as he nodded at her and went back to the paper.
It hadn't gotten much better aft that. Telling the kids had been harder than she'd planned on it being. She'd never expected easy but Samantha's steely cold stare into the corner of the wall and Jonathan's curious glances between them and innocent questions had been such polar opposite extremes that she and Tony had struggled with how to handle them both at the same time. She'd been thankful that Michael had chosen that day to go and see his own friends, and had given them the space to handle it separately from him. They'd answered Jonathan's questions as much as they could, and had made a point to reinforce what they had discussed the day before.
By 1 pm when she pulled into the country club parking lot and headed through the doors she was ready for a drink, a strong one She dropped into the chair waiting for her at the table that Wendy and Isabel were already at and breathed out a deep sigh.
"Well that doesn't sound good." Isabel folded her fingers together and rested her chin on them. "What's going on, Angela?"
"Better question, why do you look like you haven't been sleeping?" Wendy grinned and nudged her foot with hers under the table while wriggling her eyebrows. "Finally get Tony to buff your floors?"
Angela rolled her eyes and couldn't help the exasperated chuckle that escaped her as she eyed her friend. "No." She threaded her fingers together and rested her hands on the table as she leaned back in the chair. "I.. Well, I wanted to tell you that Michael came back on Wednesday."
"Oh yeah? Did he have a good excuse for missing Jonathan's birthday? Again?" Wendy took a sip of water from her glass then shot Isabel a look across the table as Angela licked her lips and tilted her head.
"Well he… he was in Kenya and then the Amazon. It's not easy to stay in touch in those environments, you know. Bu he brought him a snake. A uh…. Boa constrictor or something." She waved her hand and shrugged. "Anyway, uh, we got to talking and…"
Isabel studied her, her lips pursed for a long moment. "And what? Is he contesting custody? Did he sign the papers?"
Angela folded her lower lip into her mouth for a moment, sucking on it briefly then shook her head side to side. "No, no. He's not fighting me for custody of Jonathan. He… We decided to give the marriage another try. He moved back in yesterday."
"Oh, Angela." Isabel groaned softly as she dropped her head into her hand.
Wendy flagged a waiter down. "Can I get a glass of white wine please? And a shot of vodka?" She jolted as Isabel kicked her under the table then frowned and glanced up at the waiter. "Never mind the vodka. But we'll do three glasses of the wine."
Isabel shook her head, "I shouldn't drink. I'm on call."
"I'll drink yours."
Angela had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as her two friends reacted to the bombshell she'd just dropped on them. Isabel shook her head as she looked at Angela with confusion etched deep into her eyes. "You let him move back in, Angela? After everything he's done? After being gone for 9 months trekking around the world? Just like that, he's back?"
Wendy held up her hand and tilted her head. "Now hang on a second here. You get laid on a regular basis, so let me defend Angela here. When there's a drought, you chase the rain."
"WENDY!" Angela hissed her name and reached out to grip hr forearm lightly. "Wha…" She scoffed softly then looked between them "This is ridiculous. The two of you are as bad as my mother and Tony. I swear." She shook her head. "First of all, there was no drought." She narrowed her eyes at Wendy for a moment. "Second of all, why shouldn't he move back in? We're married. He's Jonathan's father. "
"Again, I'm going to remind you that he's been gone for 9 months doing whatever or whoever he wanted. Is this really what you want? A step backward?" Isabel's hand slid under Anegla's and she gripped it lightly. "Angela, I just don't want to see you or Jonathan hurt again. I.. I guess I thought you were over him."
"She was." Both women turned to Wendy as she nodded and shrugged, "Over him, and under him, and next to him, and- Ouch!" She glared at Isabel again as the regal woman sat straighter in the chair and raised one well-groomed eyebrow in challenge to her.
Isabel turned back to Angela as she lowered her voice. "What's happening with Tony and Samantha? Surely, Michael doesn't want the Italian Stallion around while he's trying to make the big comeback."
Angela nodded. "Tony is looking for something else. Michael… well, he-we let him go."
"Tony's available?" Wendy leaned forward.
Angela smirked at her then glanced at Isabel. "You know a lot of the older people around here. You have good leads? I want to make sure he ends up somewhere that is going to be good for him and Sam but not for the gossip mill."
"I can ask around." Isabel forced a smile and tilted her head. "You sure you're happy?"
"It all happened so fast. I don't really know what I am right now. I just… I just hope I'm making the right decision here."
All my friends are saying
Girl, what are you thinking?
You're better off,
you're better off without him
- Better Off / Unreleased
I tried to impress you
It didn't matter to you, I don't matter to you
But you tried to make me think I was crazy
"Put all these dreams on hold," that's what I was being told
- Why Do You Tell Me / Unreleased
Isabel had come through for her, like she knew she would, and by Tuesday afternoon Angela had been able to give Tony a list of possible options within a 15 mile radius of 3344 Oak Hills Drive. The relief had been evident on his face as he'd accepted the list and 10 crisp xeroxed copies of the letter of recommendation she'd spent a good portion of her Sunday working on. The original was tucked safely in a folder on her desk in the study along with all the other paperwork she'd acquired for him during the last several months. She rubbed her palms down the back of her dress pants as she smiled at him. "I looked it over. I think there's some really great candidates on there, Tony. You and Samantha will be well taken care of."
"Aye, Angela. Thank you for this."
She gave a sheepish shrug and bopped her head side to side. "Happy to help."
She carried her briefcase into her study in time o hear the front door open. "Honey! I'm home."
"I'll be out in a moment." She set the briefcase on her desk and opened it, pulling out two files or her to review before dinner while Jonathan and Samantha did their homework and plucked a pen from her penholder before coming out of the study and smiling at him. "Welcome home, Sweetheart." She hummed softly into the kiss then pulled away and blinked up at him. "How was the first day?"
"Chaotic. Had to learn all the new office equipment and layout. New names. Boring stuff that doesn't matter now that I am home and I've to you here." She sighed as he kissed her again, pinning her arm holding the pen and files between their bodies as the kiss deepened. He groaned as he pulled back and looked down at the files. "You're still working?"
She nodded and shrugged, "Yeah. Well, while Tony is cooking Jonathan, Samantha and I sit at the kitchen table. They do their homework and I review what I didn't finish looking over at the office and on the train coming home." He frowned. "What?"
"Well, I just thought that uh… you know, you'd come home and we could have some time together."
She tilted her head. "Don't bet on it, darling. With Tony leaving and us splitting the cooking responsibilities, one of us will always be sitting with Jonathan while he does his homework in case he needs help."
"Yeah but can't your mother watch him? That way we can do a little cooking and take breaks for," his hands smoothed down her back to cup her bottom as he pulled her up against him. "Other things…"
"Michael." She laughed as she pushed him away and pointed her finger at him. "You've been in the jungle too long, Tarzan."
"Oh come on, Angela" He followed her as she moved towards the kitchen door.
"Michael, I told you. I am the President of the company. I can't always finish everything in the office." Michael tucked his hands in his pockets and dropped his head. For a brief moment, he reminded her of a petnhulant child who was pouting for not getting his way and she almost gave in before she reminded herself how important these accounts were to the company. "I… How about this? No work after dinner. But before dinner, is fair game?" Michael nodded with a grin as she headed into the kitchen. "Oh yum! Something smells delicious, Tony." She smiled at him as she took her usual place between the kids and set her folders down. "Hello, sweethearts." She pressed a kiss to Jonathan's hair then did the same with Samantha.
She could tell Samantha was still not herself and glanced up at Tony, giving him a worried look. He shook his head in a silent communication to not ask. She opened one of her folders and had just started to read when Samantha snapped her math book shut. "All done! I'm going to go watch some MTV. Okay?" Angela and Tony nodded as she walked out of the room.
It hadn't been more than 15 minutes when a raised voice came from the living room and Angela and Tony were out of their chairs. Angela watched as Samantha stormed up the stairs, leaving Michael standing by the TV holding the remote.
"You allow your daughter to watch that trash on MTV?"
"Yeah. After she's completed her homework. What's wrong with that?"
Angela looked between the two men and headed for the stairs. They were big boys and could figure it out between them. She was needed elsewhere. She knocked softly on Samantha's door and peeked her head in. "Sam?"
She frowned at the girl sitting on the edge of her bed. "It isn't fair."
Angela came into the room, closing the door behind her and settled on the mattress next to her. She rested her hand on the center of Sam's back and tilted her head. "I'm going to need a little more than that, darling. What's not fair?"
"This. He shows up and all of a sudden it's like your real family is back and Dad and I have to leave." She sniffled softly. "And then he comes in and starts trying to be my Dad telling me I can't watch MTV and I should be watching something educational. I go to school all day. Isn't that enough?"
Angela's hand slid around to Samantha's shoulder as she curled the girl closer to her and rested her cheek to the top of her head. "Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry." She'd never considered what the implications of Michael returning and Tony leaving would be to a child like Samantha. She pressed a gentle kiss to Samantha's temple and rocked her slightly. "I know this isn't what we all planned on when you and your father moved in, but we're not going anywhere. I helped your father find a few houses that are around here and looking for help. You won't be far away, and I'm always going to be here for you." She closed her eyes as Samantha's arms wove around her waist before the girl's shoulders shuddered. "It's okay, Samantha. You let it out. I've got you."
And it was always on your terms
I waited on every careless word
Hoping they might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
- Better Man / Red
Things had calmed down as the week had gone on. Tony had been following up on the list of families looking for housekeepers that Angela had provided. For one reason or another, they'd all started to become dead ends and Tony couldn't pretend that he wasn't growing a little frantic. He had three names left on the list, and appointments for interviews with them lined up for Friday and Saturday. Mona hadn't called from Spring Break and he was relieved hadn't had to lie to her on the phone. If anyone could've sniffed out that something was wrong over the phone, it would've been Mona. At least he had Grover to keep him company during the days when the kids were at school and Angela was at work.
It had been different that morning though, when she'd come down announcing she was working from home and that she'd be in her study if he needed her. She'd seemed distracted in a way that was atypical for Angela and he wasn't sure what to make of it. She'd been closed off much of the day and aside from when he'd gone in to check if she needed a coffee refill or if she wanted some tea, he hadn't really seen her.
"Grover!"
Angela's voice broke out as she chased the dog into the kitchen with one shoe on and one shoe clearly missing from her hosiery covered foot. She struggled as she chased the sheep dog, rounding the breakfast table, trying to snag the show in his mouth away from him. Tony couldn't help but chuckle as she chased him for another minute then looked at up him expectantly. Tony snapped his fingers and called the dog, glancing up at her with a smug grin as he took the white loafer from Grover's mouth and held it out to Angela.
"Thank you. I kicked them off while I was working and-"
She realized Tony had still not let go of the show himself and that he was now staring at her hand as they both gripped the shoe on opposite ends. The air felt like it had been sucked out of the room around them as she glanced down and sighed. There on her left ring finger glinted the plain, gold band. She'd put it on that morning while getting dressed, deciding that since she and Michael were trying again, it seemed only right to put it back on. He let go of the shoe after a slit second that felt like it had dragged on for an hour. She slipped back into her then stuffed her hands into the pockets of her pants.
She knew logically that she didn't owe him an explanation and that Tony wasn't expecting one. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that by choosing to give her marriage to Michael a second chance, that she was being unfaithful to Tony and the relationship that they had been building. She muttered her thanks to him softly, then went back to her study. Sitting on the yellow sofa in her study, she dropped her head into her hands and closed her eyes.
She'd taken today to work from home because she had wanted to catch up on some projects without the added stress of co-workers coming in to bother her with meaningless chatter. The evenings spent with Michael were nice but there was no denying that she was starting to feel isolated and unhappy. She missed the evenings of trying to play board games with the kids and Tony, or watching movies curled up on the couch with them. Lately, everything had revolved solely around Michael and she'd noticed that even his time with Jonathan was ebbing. The man she'd fallen back into a week go was slipping from her grasp and she found herself wondering just how much of that had been genuine.
"Angela?" She glanced up as Tony poked his head into the office. "Michael's on the phone." She headed out to the phone in the living room and accepted the receiver from Tony's hand. Michael's smooth voice floated over the line as he apologized and promised that he'd be home later but that he'd be missing dinner. Some people from the department were going to be heading out and had invited him to join them.
"That's fine, Michael. Yes, we'll see you later. Okay. Lo-" The call ended there and she licked her lips as she hung up the phone and shrugged at Tony. "He's uh… going out with some co-workers for dinner."
Tony nodded. "Sam's at Marci's for dinner." Silence dominated for a moment as they slowly grinned at each other. "Wanna take Jonathan to Pie City tonight?"
"You read my mind."
This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
- Speak Now / Speak Now
I know I'm probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn't know what he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
- Better Man / Red
After Michael's late return from the city, he'd come home and had immediately sought her out in the bedroom to make up for missing dinner. Thursday had been a pleasant return to the doting man who had dropped by Wallace and McQuade with pink roses on her lunch. He'd taken her out to dinner that night to thank her for being so understanding as he got used to this new desk work life and she'd found her own way to repay his thanks when she'd gotten him home and back up to their bedroom. She didn't know what had happened that Wednesday night that he'd gone out with his coworkers but she was thankful for whatever it was. Having him show interest in Jonathan again, in her and her work again, and having him making love to her again was enough to allow her to stop thinking about the confusion around Tony.
She'd finally managed to come to the decision that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Tony was athletic and active. He was comfortable getting dirty and being outside. He didn't care about the social strictures of manners and good breeding and all the superficialities that came with her world. She'd found herself being reminded of a quote that she'd once heard. 'A fish may love a bird but together, where would they build a home?' Attraction to him aside, what did she really have in common with Tony? Michael was the better choice, the safer choice. She had started to remind herself of that every time that she and Tony would cross paths in the house. She hoped that one day, the small voice in the back of her head would stop reminding her that leopards don't change their spots. She hoped that eventually she'd stop worrying about it all being one big mistake. Still, once she'd made her mind up, she'd committed to it and had found it easier and easier to pull away from Tony and Samantha as she leaned deeper and deeper into Michael's arms and their renewed interest.
Saturday had finally rolled around and once Tony and the kids were out for the day with their busy activities, she'd found time to settle into her favorite chair with the Scrubbo campaign that she and Jim had been struggling with for days. The client wanted something fresh and unique but still something that wasn't going to be too off the wall. Jim had come up with some ridiculous ideas and while he was good with copy and the pitches to clients in person, his strong suit was definitely not coming up with campaigns for TV and print.
"Angela, how about some tea?"
She didn't even look up as she shook her head. "Oh, I don't feeI like any." There was a pregnant pause she looked up in time to see Michael standing with a tray. "Oh, Michael, you made tea. I'd love some." She scrambled to close the file and put it to the side. He'd been trying to be more thoughtful when he was home. He'd obviously remembered seeing her and Tony drinking tea that one night, and ever since, had been trying to make sure that they had time for tea themselves. It was nice, but it just wasn't the same. They both were trying too hard to make it work. That much was evident as they went back and forth trying to placate the other before she' finally had enough. "Michael! I'd like the tea now, honey."
"Whatever you say, sweetheart."
She told herself it was just growing pains and that they needed to relearn how to be together after 9 months apart. She followed him to the couch and took a seat next to him as he began to pour the tea into the mugs. "There was a time when it would have bothered you that I was working on a Saturday."
"Well, you're looking at the new, improved Michael. I respect you, and I respect your work. Besides, you don't do this every Saturday. Do you?"
"Not anymore." One more concession to make, but if he was serious and he was going to respect her and her work, it was worth it. Wasn't it? She caught his face in her hands and pulled him into a deep kiss. They had the house to themselves and if she wanted to fool around with her husband on their couch, why shouldn't she?
"Heyyyyyyyy! What do I have to do to get a bellhop, huh?" the front door flew open as Mona barged in with her fur coat and luggage.
Angela pulled back from him with a wink and whispered promise for later before she was up and walking to greet Mona. "Mother, welcome home." She hugged her and had to admit that having her home felt like a weight had been lifted from her. The one thing she was unsure of was how she'd handle the news of Tony leaving. As Mona went on about Hurricane Freddie and began handing out the bizarre little souvenirs she'd bought, Angela started to try to decide how it would be best to tell her. Angela sent Michael an apologetic smile and shrug as Mona took another shot at him as usual before unveiling the PG-13 beach towel that she'd purchased for Tony.
"As always, Mother, in perfect taste." Angela laughed.
"He'll love it. Where is he?"
It appeared that the time to tell her about Tony and Samantha's impending departure had come. Angela and Michael stuttered and stumbled their way through for a moment before Angela took a step forward and began to explain the situation. As she spoke, er mother's emotions played out across her face like a Shakespearian play; shock and then immediate anger.
"We'll have someone in to clean once a week, and I'll do the cooking."
Mona knew she never should've left for spring break. Displeasure was evident on Mona's face as she fixed her daughter with an unamused stare. "Angela the only thing you know about a kitchen is that someone's in there with Dinah."
Michael's arm wrapped securely around her waist as he stepped up next to Angela and she leaned back into him. She gazed up at him and silently thanked him for saving her from being harassed by her mother. "I'm going to help with the cooking. We're going to share everything."
The minute she'd seen him inside the house she'd known he was going to screw everything up. That was the Michael Bower way. He came in like a tornado and left a wake of devastation in his path. She could feel the nausea returning as she watched the two of them playing at being a happy couple. It was disgusting. She had to wonder what he'd done to brainwash her liberated, smart, powerful daughter into this vapid, mindless, happy homemaker. She knew what she needed to do. "Listen, have you two thought what this is going to do to Tony?"
She watched as Angela approached her, writing off her concerns, exactly as Mona had known she would. She waited until Angela was close enough to take her hands, then she sprang the trap. "Angela, it means he's going to have to move back to Brooklyn tear Samantha out of schooI pull her away from her little playmates and take her to a dark cramped apartment with disgusting graffiti all over the wall where her only playground is the means streets of a heartless city." As she talked and reminded Angela of all the depravities that could face that sweet, young girl she watched Angela's face fall. Just as she was getting ready to beg for Tony's job, the door burst open.
"I got a job!"
Prayin' the floor won't fall through again
And my mother accused me of losin' my mind
But I swore I was fine"
- Dear John / Speak Now
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
- Haunted / Speak Now Era