A/N: This chapter fought me so hard... work has drained all of my brainpower recently, and all I've wanted to do is watch YouTube and crochet. Whoops. Anyway, welcome to Unfridge the Wives 2k22.

Elle went into sickbay. "I think I'm allergic to science tests," she complained to Nurse Ogawa.

"Improbable, but I could write you a doctor's note if that makes you feel better," Ogawa said, smiling at her. "What have you come into contact with recently?"

"I don't know, nothing unusual. I was playing Super Mario with a group on the rec deck all evening yesterday, and this morning when I woke up I was all stuffy. Sneezed all over my science test. Do you think it's just a cold?"

"When you arrived in the twenty-fourth century, we updated your immunizations, you can't have a cold," Ogawa said patiently. "Let me take a blood sample and run some tests, give me a second."

"Kay." Elle swung her feet off the edge of the biobed idly, and scratched at her itchy nose.

Data came in with a civilian, a woman who looked familiar. They went over to Dr. Crusher. Data spotted Elle and came over. "Elle. Are you ill?"

"Think I got allergies," Elle said. "Who's that?"

Data looked very solemn. "Tasha Yar's sister, Ishara."

Elle's eyebrows went up. "The planet we're orbiting? That's their planet?"

"Yes. Is this an episode?"

"It is, but I only watched it maybe once." Elle glanced over at Ishara. "She's attached to one of the factions down there, right?"

"Yes."

"She's going to use us for their own ends."

Data nodded. "We had already surmised."

"Well, as long as you go into this with your eyes open." Elle grimaced. "Don't get attached. Not unless you can convince her to come with us."

"I do not think she would come."

Elle squeezed Data's arm. "You doin' okay? Thinking about Lt. Yar?"

"I think so." Data gave her a slight smile. "I will be fine. Excuse me." He went back to Ishara and Dr. Crusher.

Nurse Ogawa came back with test results. "Congratulations, you have the Antares sniffles."

Elle blinked. "What does that mean?"

"It's a childhood disease, most kids get it in preschool. Sniffle like little water fountains for a couple of days. Like a lot of childhood diseases, the older you get it, the more severe it is. You'll be fine, though."

"How long am I gonna be sniffly?"

"Probably a few more days. Treat it like you would treat a regular cold, lots of rest, liquids, carry a box of tissues."

"Gross." Elle sneezed. "But necessary, I guess."

Nurse Ogawa handed her a box of tissues. "You can postpone your science test, after all."

Dr. Crusher, finished with Data and Ishara, came over. "Caught the sniffles?" she asked.

"Antares sniffles," Ogawa confirmed.

Dr. Crusher nodded. "Four different kids have come in with it. Most of them are actually from the class where you volunteer, Elle. One of the new crew members and his family are from Antares."

Elle groaned and slapped her forehead. "Ugh, I forgot. One of the toddlers sneezed right in my face yesterday. And then I went and played Super Mario in the evening."

"The little boy with blue hair?" Dr. Crusher asked, smothering a grin.

"Yup."

Dr. Crusher nodded and patted Elle on the back in sympathy. "There's nothing like a child sneezing directly onto your mucous membranes for infection rates. Makes for a stronger immune system."

Elle made a face. "Eughgggh." She sneezed again. "Ugh. I'm gonna go lie down."

"Drink lots of liquids," Beverly called.

"Yes, doctor!"

Elle made it to her room without sneezing, then immediately sneezed so hard it startled Simba the Third, who started Klingon-shrieking. "Relaaaaax," Elle said and sneezed again. "Ow. My lung hurts." She flopped down on the couch and wriggled under the throw blanket. "Computer put on my murder mystery queue."

Miss Marple came on the screen.

-/\-

The sniffles (and accompanying mild fever and rash) lasted longer than the Enterprise's sojourn at Tasha Yar's home planet. Ishara did not come with them.

"She made her choices," Data said sadly. He was hanging out with Elle since he couldn't get the sniffles or pass them on to anybody.

Elle blew her nose. "Even when you told her that Tasha was still alive?"

"To her, Tasha is dead. The Tasha that came out of the alternate timeline is not her sister."

Elle scoffed silently and sneezed again. "Ugh. Sorry Data."

"That is one way I'm glad I'm not human," Data said, passing her another tissue.

"You bet," Elle said. "When we get the technology I'm gonna upload myself as a brain in a jar."

"You will not," Data said serenely. "You enjoy the tactile world too much. You can't walk down a hallway without trailing your fingers along the wall or hugging or high-fiving a crewmember."

"Let a girl dream," Elle grumped, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

"That is unsanitary."

"Data I've been on this couch in this sweatshirt for three days. Trust me, this sleeve has already got fifty dozen zillion bacteria on it." A sudden thought struck Elle and she gasped. "Data! What if I've sneezed my nanites out?"

"You cannot, unless you have ruptured a capillary," Data assured her.

Elle sighed in relief. "Whew." She blew her nose and patted her sternum. "Do you think they're having earthquakes every time I sneeze?"

Data stared at her in bewilderment. "The scale is so disproportionate I don't think they even know you are sneezing. Where do you come up with these things?"

"My brain," Elle sniffed, attempting a lofty tone. It came out more nasally and clogged than lofty, and Elle gave up being dramatic. "Never mind."

Data patted her knee.

"You should call her," Elle suggested, once she'd forced her brain back on track.

"Who?" Data asked.

"Tasha. You should call her. See how she's doing."

Data looked intrigued by this notion. "Perhaps I will."

-/\-

"Elle to Transporter Room Two. Elle to Transporter Room Two."

She jumped up from the, ah, fascinating, lecture on Bolian cultural death rites. "Sorry, scuse me," she said, and ran from the class. "On my way," she called, confident that Alexa would relay her message.

Elle made it to Transporter Room Two on the heels of Picard and Worf. "Who's coming?" she asked.

"Ambassador K'Ehleyr," Picard replied. "And her, attache?"

Elle winced. "Oh, this episode. Worf, how do you feel about kids?"

"Wha-" Worf was interrupted as the Klingons beamed over the ambassador and a small Klingon child.

"Ohhhh he's adorable," Elle cooed, delighted with this mini-Worf. "I've never seen a Klingon that smol."

Alexander shuffled around behind his mother.

Ambassador K'Ehleyr stepped off the dais, one hand on her son's shoulder. "Captain Picard. Thank you for receiving us on such short notice."

"You are welcome, madam ambassador," Picard replied. "This is Elle Wilcott, our civilian mission consultant."

"This is Alexander," K'Ehleyr said. "My son."

Nobody looked at Worf.

Elle crouched down. "A pleasure to meet you," she said, extending a hand.

"Hello," he piped up, giving her a firm handshake.

She smiled at him. "Welcome to the Enterprise." She glanced up at the captain. "I can take him to the playroom with the other pre-kinders, if you want."

"Yes, and join us directly afterwards," Picard ordered.

"Thank you," K'Ehleyr added.

"Ambassador." Elle held out a hand to guide Alexander out the door.

He took her hand.

Her heart melted. "I'm not even Klingon and I would die to protect this child," she informed Worf solemnly. "If you don't claim him I'm keeping him."

Worf grumbled and glared at her.

K'Ehleyr snorted. "I see your Star Fleet children aren't soft, after all," she said, and their voices faded away as Elle led Alexander in the other direction.

"This ship is bigger than the other one," Alexander observed, eyes round with wonder.

"Yes, it is," Elle said. "This is a starship. It's meant to hold thousands of people."

"That's a lot."

"Yes, it is."

She dropped him off at the daycare and introduced him to a few of the other kids. "You can stay here and play, and me or your mom will come get you later, okay?"

He nodded solemnly.

"Okay." She ruffled his hair in farewell and hurried up to the conference room - to find Worf and K'Ehleyr shouting at each other. The captain was sitting in the corner, his gaze ping-ponging between them, stifled amusement visible in his eyes. The two shouting Klingons didn't even notice Elle sidle over to the captain. "Interesting tennis match," Elle observed.

Picard snorted. "Better for them to have it out before we start talking about whatever problem the Klingons are having."

Worf said something in Klingon.

Elle snickered.

Picard's eyebrow went up. "And where did you hear that kind of language?" he asked, in the most disapproving-dad voice she'd ever heard.

Elle smiled benignly. "We might have been enemies in the 23rd century but all the engineers know how to swear in the original Klingon. Especially when they drop sensitive equipment down Jefferies tubes." She grinned at the memory, and at Scotty's scandalized attempt to put his hands over her ears.

"Ah."

Both Worf and K'Ehleyr finished shouting at each other, shook it off, and turned to the captain expectantly.

Picard straightened up in his seat. "Well," he said. "What brings the Klingon ambassador to us?"

"The Klingon Empire is at a critical juncture," K'Ehleyr announced. "We may be facing civil war."

"War over what?"

"The usual excuses. Tradition, duty, honor. I won't bore you with the intricacies of Klingon politics. Basically, two factions are trying to seize power."

"Do you believe there is a threat to the Federation in this struggle?"

She nodded. "Klingon wars seldom remain confined to the Empire. Sooner or later they'll drag in the neighboring star systems, then the Tholians, the Ferengi. The Federation won't be able to stay out of it for long. This has been coming for some time. Only K'mpec, the head of the Council, has been able to maintain the peace. Now K'mpec is dying. He is aboard the cruiser. He has come specifically to meet with you, Captain. Alone." She offered Elle a grin. "He wouldn't mind if you tagged along, though."

Elle blanched. "Me?"

"You are known to be impartial and direct," K'Ehleyr said. "And High Admiral Kang respects you."

Elle frowned, trying to remember. "Admiral Kang...? Oh, Day of the Dove. Yeah, I totally kicked him and three of his officers. Punched somebody in the face. Good times."

Worf frowned. "Attacking a child is not honorable."

"Well, we were under the mind control of an emotional hate-feeder," Elle said. "I didn't hold it against them."

Picard tried his very best not to laugh. "You may come if you wish, Elle."

"I probably shouldn't. You can tell K'mpec, however, that it was definitely Duras who poisoned him."

Picard made a face. "Understood."

"That family has no honor," Worf grumbled.

Elle was about to say something pithy and clever, then decided against it. "In the meantime, Ambassador, you can stay on board the Enterprise and we can give you a security detail."

Everybody's eyebrows went up. "Why?" Picard asked.

"For the assassination attempts," Elle said cheerfully. "Mr. Honorless is definitely going to try and kill the people who hold evidence, so..."

Worf's eyes narrowed.

Elle held his gaze. "Everybody lies to protect everybody else. K'mpec is dying by poison. Everybody's gonna know that somebody on that council is dishonorable, and while we're at it we might as well uncover all the nasty little secrets."

K'Ehleyr grinned. "Yes. We might as well."

Picard nodded. "I will speak with K'mpec. Elle, consult with Commander Riker on how you think these events will go."

"Yes, sir." Elle glanced over at K'Ehleyr. "Do you want me to take you to your son, ambassador?"

"No," she said. "Let Lt. Worf escort me."

Elle gave a thumbs-up and left. Worf could be kind of a butt about interpersonal issues.

-/\-

K'mpec died. To mark that somber occasion, and to give Ambassador K'Ehleyr and Alexander more time on the Enterprise, Picard held a formal banquet.

"You would think that Klingons having two stomachs would mean they were more resistant to toxins," Elle said, contemplating the orange zest vinaigrette on her salad.

"Elle please, not while we're eating," Troi said.

"Sorry." Elle watched Riker and Troi make cow eyes at each other across the table and wondered if they were secretly engaged. Or if they had done an 'if neither of us marries in the next ten years we're gonna get married, okay cool' kind of pact without her or Guinan knowing about it.

Elle cut her gaze towards Worf and K'Ehleyr, who were having a murderous staring contest across the table. What were they going to do about Alexander? If K'Ehleyr survived the whole Duras encounter, would she and Worf split custody? Would they get remarried? What about Jadzia? It's not like Jadzia needed a man in her life, but it was a cute pairing. She'd make a great stepmom too, dealing with that whole multi-cultural baggage that Alexander has.

Elle stuffed another bite of steak in her mouth. No, Worf and K'Ehleyr wouldn't stay together. They weren't really suited (which they should've thought of before skimping on birth control). Worf was too uptight and K'Ehleyr was too chill. If they stayed together they'd probably kill each other, and not in a romantic way. Now what to do about Worf's reluctance to claim Alexander? If they could get Worf's family name cleared in this episode instead of waiting...

Picard leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Stop thinking so hard, smoke is starting to come out your ears."

Elle grinned sheepishly.

"Bad for the digestion," he continued. "Relax." He and Dr. Crusher shared an amused look.

Now that was a couple that was proceeding nicely... Oh goodness. Elle was trapped in a Jane Austen novel, and she was playing Mrs. Bennet. The thought made her wrinkle her nose, and she took a huge swig of her drink.

Riker raised his eyebrows. "You all right, Elle?"

"I forgot I don't like vinaigrette dressing and I got too much of it," Elle said mournfully.

Troi eyeballed her for lying, but Elle was not going to share her thoughts with the class.

They managed to get through the dinner without anybody (Elle) causing a diplomatic incident, and Elle escorted K'Ehleyr to get Alexander from the daycare.

"My son is not very Klingon," K'Ehlyer said, as they walked down the corridor.

"Seems Klingon enough to me," Elle said cautiously.

"No, poor dear, he's too sensitive, too human. He honours the Klingon culture, but that boy's going to turn out an artist or a scholar."

"Nothing wrong with that," Elle said.

"No, there's nothing wrong with that," K'Ehleyr said, "we need more scholars in Klingon society, anyway. But if I left him with Worf, on the Enterprise, perhaps he'd learn more about his human side."

Elle raised an eyebrow. "You better tell Worf that explicitly or he'll end up sending him to Earth instead."

"He wouldn't dare."

Elle lifted her hands. Maybe he wouldn't. That was TV-Worf after all.

They got to the daycare. Alexander had built a fortress of giant Lego bricks and was sitting inside it, staring suspiciously at the other children whose parents were on evening shifts.

Elle went over and looked at him. "How's it going?" she asked.

"They want me to 'share'," Alexander said, sniffing in disgust.

Elle looked over at K'Ehleyr. "Sharing isn't a Klingon concept?"

"No. You fight over resources, and if you are too weak to win, you go without."

Elle sighed and looked over at Alexander. "So you took all the Legos."

"Yes."

Elle put a hand over her mouth. "Very effective marshaling of resources," she said. "However, on this ship, we share resources."

He didn't look very convinced.

"Besides," Elle said, "it's time for bed anyway, so you're gonna have to vacate the castle."

"It is not a castle," Alexander replied, clambering out of the structure. "It is a fortified compound."

Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh. Elle led him over to K'Ehleyr. "Uh-huh. Good night!"

Alexander gripped onto her hand. "No, you can't go. You have to be part of the bedtime ritual."

Elle looked at K'Ehleyr. "Bedtime ritual?"

"Bath, snack, legend, sleep," K'Ehleyr said. "You do that, I'll speak to Captain Picard." And she straight-up left.

Elle stared after her, dismayed. "Okay..."

Bathtime went okay, snack went okay, and legend time... "Have you heard the legend of King Arthur?" she asked.

Alexander shook his head.

King Arthur was a hit. Two tales later, Alexander was fighting sleep. "I'm not tired," he insisted, blinking lethargically. "Tell me another one."

Elle used her 'Spock recounting mathematical analyses' voice to start the tale of Lancelot and the Lady of the Lake.

Alexander conked out in forty-five seconds.

Elle carefully stood up and tiptoed out of the bedroom. K'Ehleyr was still not back. Hm. "Alexa, can I leave him by himself?" she asked.

"No," Alexa said firmly. "He's a toddler."

Elle sighed, and sat down on the couch. "Okay, play Pride and Prejudice."

The dulcet tones of Mrs. Bennet's nerves were not enough to keep Elle from falling asleep. She woke up around the disastrous proposal scene to find Alexander climbing onto the couch with her. "I thought snuggling was un-Klingon," she drawled, as Alexander dragged her arm around to hold like a teddy bear.

"No's'not," he grumbled, and passed out again.

Elle watched 24th century Lizzy yell at 24th century Darcy (good cheekbones on this actor), and fell asleep again.

Waking up on the Klingon ambassador's couch with a living space heater on your stomach, while the Klingon ambassador eats breakfast and stares at you... not on Elle's list of top ten ways to wake up.

"I see bedtime was successful," K'Ehleyr said dryly. "Raktajino?"

"Yes, please."

-/\-

Duras and Gowron arrived.

"Why is there a child?" Duras asked, spotting Elle standing half-behind Data.

"This is our civilian mission consultant," Picard said crisply. "This is our Operations Officer, Lt. Commander Data-"

"The choosing of a new chief of the council is not a matter for children," Duras continued, pointing at Elle. "I want her out."

Elle resisted the mighty urge to stick her tongue out at him. She opened her mouth to retort, but Riker stepped on her foot.

"Elle, thank you, you're dismissed," Picard said crisply.

"Sir." Elle glared at Duras as she went out. "Thinks I won't stab him he's got a mighty surprise comin', I will freaking kuh-nife him if I have to."

Lt. Patterson frowned at her in the hallway. "You all right, Elle?"

"Just muttering to myself," Elle said, giving him a grin.

She went to class and couldn't concentrate on a single thing.

Her class let out and she bolted for the nearest wall panel. "Alexa what's the status on our Klingon guests?" she asked urgently.

"Well so far no one's dead," Alexa said dryly. "Unless you count Worf's blood pressure."

Elle snorted. "Good to know. Alert me once they've left the Enterprise, please. I need to prevent K'Ehleyr's assassination."

"Understood."

The Klingon parties left an hour later, and Elle informed Worf that if K'Ehleyr had done any digging or threatening at all, she was going to be assassinated. He was rightly enraged and went off to secure the battlements.

Elle went to go have a mango smoothie and rest her head on the bar in Ten-Forward. "I understand why Klingons give Captain Kirk high blood pressure," she told Guinan.

Guinan laughed and gave Elle a refill on her smoothie.

-/\-

K'Ehleyr did not die. Apparently, there was a stirring chase through the hallways of the Enterprise in which Worf captured Duras's lackey by flying tackle. Elle wouldn't know. Elle was asleep, like a normal person, unfortunately.

"I missed the whole thing?"

"The whole thing," Data confirmed placidly. "It was one of Duras' men, and K'Ehleyr found out about Duras' actions during the Khitomer Accords. He is now being sent back to Q'onos in disgrace, and Gowron has been elected chief of the council."

"Did Worf get his honor back?"

"He did, yes."

"So he'll claim Alexander?"

"I have not asked him."

She hugged him. "Thanks, Data! That's the best news I've had all week!" She inhaled the rest of her breakfast burrito and went off to find Worf. "Where's Alexander?" she asked him.

"They have left," Worf said. "K'Ehleyr will be on Earth in six months, we will meet there and I will introduce him to my parents."

"So you're gonna be sharing custody?" Elle asked.

"Perhaps." He looked disgruntled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."